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“So, yeah,” Matt says once their dicks are out. “Yeah, and, as an aside, cool thing about guys is that it’s not really gay until you touch someone else’s dick.”
“What?” Jay says, face twisted.
“Yeah, right? It’s cool. So, like, dicks can touch because those are just dicks, right? But if your hand gets involved —”
“Who told you this?”
Matt shrugs.
“No, like. That’s some of the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard, Matt. Did the same guy tell you that too much masturbation makes your palms hairy?”
“Well,” Matt leans forward. “Do you know that this one time I legitimately found a hair growing in my palm after I jerked off? Chilling, Jay. It was chilling.”
“It was probably one of your pubes, dude. Which, by the way, have you ever fucking — I don’t know. Like, shaved?”
“Am I supposed to?” Matt looks back down at their dicks. Jay’s pubes are trim and neat. “That’s kind of faggy, man.”
“You’re not supposed to say faggy.”
“Our dicks are about to touch, I think I’m allowed to say faggy,” Matt snorts.
“I thought you said it wasn’t gay unless hands were involved.”
“And you said that was stupid. So. I’m not gonna, like, keep going around spreading misinformation when I’ve just learned something new, Bird.”
Jay sighs. Matt notices that his dick is less hard. He thinks about reaching out and tugging at it until he is again, but that would be super fucking gay. Beyond the pale levels of gay. Rubbing their dicks together is only a little gay, is what Matt has decided in the wake of the info that it is still gay even with hands removed.
“So, uh.”
“Man, this was your idea. I’m just going along with it.”
“Because you want to. I mean. You want to, right? Like, consent is key or whatever.”
“Consent is key???”
“Yeah?? What, are you, like, going around doing rapes left and right?”
“I’m not fucking — Matt. We’re doing this because neither of us are getting off at all.”
Which is true. The way it had gone was that Jay had gone on a date that ended catastrophically (he accidentally tripped her — “accidentally”, Matt thinks, knowing that Jay will fake-out trip people when given the opportunity — and she fell into a fountain). (And then when Jay tried to salvage the date by giving her his sweater, she took it and threw it into the fountain as well — Jay had really liked that sweater). (And then she stormed off, but not before sneaking up behind Jay and pushing him in with his sweater — which is fucked up) and then he had come home soggy and expressed his displeasure at having been pushed into a fountain and also not having had sex in years. (“Years??” Matt had asked, agog, despite also not having had sex in years.)
From there, after a few hastily scribbled words on the white board, they came to the conclusion that the only way that they were going to have an orgasm with another person in this decade and probably beyond was if they did it together. (“We do everything together,” Matt had argued. Jay went upstairs without answering, took a brief shower, came back downstairs, and agreed to the plan.)
“And that’s true and fair,” Matt says. And then he crawls forward and gently presses his dick to Jay’s. It’s weird. Matt doesn’t really get how gay guys do this all the time. “Is that good?”
Jay’s eyebrows bunch. “You laying your dick on top of mine?”
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re supposed to move.”
“How would you know?”
“I don’t know, just, like, common sense? I’m not gonna come from just your dick touching mine.”
Matt, actually, feels eerily close to coming from just their dicks touching, so that’s weird and kind of insulting that Jay isn’t in the same boat.
“Uh,” Matt says. He attempts a thrust and then has to pull back for fear of actually instantly losing it.
“Dude,” Jay says. “Are you seriously about to —”
“I’m sorry!” Matt exclaims. “This is my first gay experience.”
“But you’re not — Matt, you’re not gay.”
“Maybe I am!” Matt says, feeling like maybe he’s making some discoveries about himself.
“You’re not, dude.”
“Then why am I rubbing my dick on yours!?”
Jay’s eye twitches. “Matt, we’re just two straight guys getting off together.”
“Do you hear what you’re saying? Straight guys don’t get off together, man. They just don’t.”
Jay starts scooching back on the couch. “Fine, then I guess we’re not getting off together.”
“Wait-wait-wait, no. We’re straight. We’re totally straight. Hetero. Total hets, over here,” Matt says. “Love the ladies. Toootally love them. In a huge way.” And then he reaches out and takes Jay’s dick in his hand.
It is as if the room fills with rainbow light. It really is like 1000x gayer to touch a guy’s dick with your hand than it is with your own penis. Kind of crazy. “Do you see that?” Matt says, marveling in the technicolor light.
Jay squints. “See what?”
“Nothing,” Matt says. The world continues ROYGBIVing all over the place. “Is this alright?”
“Jesus, Matt, just keep going.”
So Matt keeps going. He jerks him off the way he likes to jerk himself off, and it seems to be working judging by the little whimpers that keep coming out of Jay’s mouth. “You sound like a girl,” Matt says, not really judging so much as observing.
“Shutthefuckup,” Jay responds.
He’s started leaking, so Matt pulls his fist up to the tip and slides it back down. Jay takes a sharp, hot breath, head tilting back.
“Do you ever finger yourself?” Matt asks.
“Matt, please shut up.”
“Just, like. I’ve never fingered a guy, either.”
“And you’re not about to.”
“C’mon, please? Just, like, a little,” his other hand cups Jay’s balls, rolls them around a little in his palm before sneakily squirming down to press his thumb against his taint for a moment before sliding down to just brush Jay’s hole and —
It is at that point that Jay comes over Matt’s fist, so the fingering point is moot. They sit there for a while as Jay catches his breath.
“So, uhh,” Matt starts. “What were you thinking about while I was —” he makes a jerk off motion with his hand.
Jay blinks. “Why do you wanna know?” His voice is still thready, a little hoarse.
Matt shrugs. “Curious, I guess.”
“I wasn’t, like. Not thinking about you. If that’s why you’re asking.”
Matt grins. “Dude.”
“Oh, shut up, man.”
“You were thinking about me while I was jerking you off? That’s so gay.”
“That I was thinking about the person jerking me off while they were jerking me off?”
“Yeah, I don’t know. I thought you would like. Think of tits, or something.”
“Just tits?”
Matt shrugs. “I guess they could be attached to a person.”
“When you jerk off you think of disembodied tits?”
“This isn’t about me,” Matt says, knowing that he does sometimes think of disembodied tits when he jerks off. “What was I doing? Like, in your head.”
“You were jerking me off. Like you were in real life.”
“Was I wearing something sexy?”
“Matt, I wasn’t picturing anything but what was happening in front of me. Like a normal person.”
“Was I wearing the hat?”
Jay looks away, but he flushes.
“Oh my god, you superimposed my hat onto my head,” Matt laughs, tickled pink. “You used mental fucking photoshop, dude.”
Jay sighs, tilts his head back against the arm of the couch. “So, what about you?”
Matt looks down at his own dick, which is apparently the hardest it’s ever been in his life. “I dunno.” He wraps a hand around it and feels his pulse move hot.
“Just, uh. Can I make a request?”
Matt’s head reels from how fast it shoots up to look at him. “Yeah. Yeah, whatever.”
“Just, like, don’t think about disembodied tits this time, okay?”
“Like, attach the tits to someone?”
Jay squints. “No, Matt. Just look at me.”
Matt does, his fist moving over his dick for about 30 good seconds before he’s coming over Jay’s dick and stomach with a low groan. “Oops.”
Jay gives him an unimpressed look. “Couldn’t aim anywhere else?”
“Eeehh,” Matt grimaces. “Fuck. Probably the gayest thing I could’ve done, huh? Save, like, coming inside you. You don’t really come back from that, I’ve heard.”
Jay is staring at him, eyes wide and stricken. Against his belly, Matt watches him twitch a little.
“Heheh,” Matt laughs self-consciously. “Not that I would. Too busy… fucking girls. Of course.”
Jay swallows. “Yeah.”
“But not really.”
“No.”
“Yeah, so. Maybe part two of the plan is, like, we actually fuck. Because. We’re not doing it with other people, so. Maybe we do it together. Maybe.”
“Maybe,” Jay says, like he’s rolling the word around in his mouth.
“And it wouldn’t be gay.”
“...No?”
“No. Because it’s, like, what b-friends do. Best. Friends… Right?”
“Sure.”
Matt shrugs. “Then it’s decided. Decreed.”
“Oh, it’s decreed, is it?”
“Yeah, it’s fuckin’. Legally mandated, and shit.”
“Cool,” Jay says.
“I’ll get a wet rag,” Matt says, standing up.
“Yeah, uh. Yeah,” Jay says. “And, uh. Maybe we could rehearse when you get back? Run through the act?”
Matt grins. “Totally. I’ll grab the hat.”