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"How do I find a good dom?"
Stede paused the video and blushed as the words sank in. Not something he was expecting to hear from his for you page first thing in the morning, even if his algorithm did tend towards the kinkier side. He took in the man on the screen. Long salt and pepper hair, a matching beard, dark intense eyes and something in his countenance that had Stede utterly entranced. He unpaused the video.
"Wrong question."
Stede wiggled himself down so he was even further under his covers, trying not to give into the embarrassment of letting himself explore this part of himself.
"The question you really need to ask is: 'How can I be the best submissive I can be to attract a competent dom?'"
Stede took a breath in.
"Look, dating is difficult, yeah? Even vanilla dating, where a lot of it is based on how superficially attractive you are as a person, feels fucking impossible. BDSM dating, if you're new, is gonna feel even worse than impossible. Greater risk, right? But you know what they say, with greater risk comes greater reward. It's worth it, trust me, but it's not exactly easy."
Stede nodded. Dating was hard, especially as a newly out gay man approaching fifty rapidly. He had no idea what he was doing. Adding in the fact that he was pretty sure he wanted to get into the BDSM side of things? Terrifying.
"There have always been more subs than doms, that's just the way it is. Especially when you're filtering down to competent doms. The odds are stacked against you, unfortunately. So, how are you gonna make yourself stand out? How are you gonna attract a dom that knows what they're doing and does it well? That doesn't cross boundaries?"
Stede licked his lips.
"You're gonna want to upskill." The man pulled a face. "Yeah, I know that sounds like corporate bullshit, but you get what I mean. It's not all about what you look like, or how much you earn, any of that surface level stuff. Competence is the key to making yourself attractive in this space. Knowing your shit, knowing your boundaries, being able to communicate what you want."
Stede gulped. He had no idea about any of that. He had no skills, none at all. How was he ever supposed to dip his toes into the BDSM scene if he didn't know the first thing about it apart from porn and erotica?
"So, I hear you ask, how do I upskill? Well, there's a bunch of different routes for information, yeah? Books, podcasts, all that shit. Experimenting - safely - by yourself or with someone else. But there's another option. Sub coaching. There are a bunch of us out there, and each of us have different skills. Fang? He's a shibari master. You want the masochism route? Check out Roach. Jim Jimenez is a certified sexologist and really knows their stuff. Looking for an all rounder? Well, that's me, if you're cool with a bearded gay dom teaching you about this stuff."
Stede's eyes went wide.
"So remember, the biggest part of BDSM is the community. Don't try to do all this alone, come find your people and let us help you. It's much easier that way."
The video restarted, and Stede watched it over and over.