Chapter Text
Sol awoke under the humming lights of the medbay, feeling moderately like throwing themself into a woodchipper. Only moderately, granted. Which was an improvement. After the breakthrough with Tammy, they had drifted through their phase of suicidality right back into determination. Knowing that their plan would work, and hopefully soon, had made the catharsis of repeated suicides lose its shine.
Still, Tangent was a harder challenge than a Faceless. Sol had been slamming themself against her impenetrable skepticism for weeks. Every new line of reasoning they figured out was matched with a dismissal. To keep their hopes up, they had even started timing how long they could get her to listen before she fully shut them down, usually by calling Instance or even sedating them if things got bad enough. Their record was five minutes and thirty seconds, but they hadn’t gotten that far in ages.
They looked to their side, at Dys in his chair. He sat up when he noticed that they had moved.
“Hey,” he asked. “Feeling better?”
Sol nodded and rolled their shoulders. “Yeah. You?”
“I’m not the one who got a migraine so bad they bashed their skull open.”
Sol nodded. It seemed so long ago, now. “Sorry about that. That was… probably upsetting to you, wasn’t it?”
It wasn’t even remotely the most gruesome act of self-harm that Sol had committed, but they thought it would probably disturb most normal people, even Dys; especially Dys, probably. He knew what it took to get to that point.
“It’s okay.” Dys audibly swallowed. “Do you—Do you remember much about it? About what you said?”
“I think I remember too much.”
His deep, dark eyes considered them carefully. “You said you were in a time loop.”
He was throwing them a lifeline, they realized. He wasn’t just listening because he thought he owed it to them; he really, genuinely, wanted to. He wanted to know—he wanted their honesty, even if he might not like what they said. They loved him deeply for that.
Sol sighed. “Yeah. I did say that. Because I am.”
He nodded. “I believe you. I know what it’s like when people don’t. I’m not going to do that to you.”
“You’re the only one who ever does,” Sol whispered. “Well, the only human.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Despite the many times they had repeated themself, they could never deny Dys this answer. “I never remember anything exactly. I usually just get bits and pieces. Feelings about things. Instincts. And all my instincts said something bad would happen if I told anyone. So I didn’t. At least, not when I could control myself.”
Dys frowned in thought. Then, his eyes went a little wider. “Wait, you said—you said you could make it work. Before. In the bar. Do you think you could—”
“I’ve been trying. You think this—” Sol made an effort to soften their tone. “It’s not the first time I’ve done this. I… I’ve figured out something with my dreams. I think having a migraine like that made me… more slippery, or something. I can slip between the timelines, like I can in my dreams, but I’m sort of… I don’t know… quantum? That makes it sound cooler than it is. I’m awake until I decide it’s a dream. And then I leave. I go to the next one. I-I’ve been working on convincing them for… it feels like years. It hurts, watching it keep happening. I-I don’t know if I can—”
Something stung in their head, an itch of their faded dreams. Their friends, looking at them with horror as they expounded upon their supposed delusions. Procedures and suicides and disappearances. It felt endless.
Their body was shaking. “I don’t know if I can do it again. I… I keep hurting you. When they don’t believe me, I—It goes so badly. Sometimes you lose me. I don’t want to hurt you, Dys.”
They couldn’t do it, they couldn’t do it. They were breaking. They needed to get out. Couldn’t they just—
Dys rubbed their arm again. “Don’t worry about me. All we need to care about right now is you. All I care about is if you want to try. If you want them to believe you.”
“I want that so much.” Sol felt tears prickling at their eyes. “I-I hate lying to them. I hate them for not believing me. I… I don’t want to hate them.”
“Okay. Then we’ll do it.”
They nodded, exhaling shakily. “You’re the only thing keeping me sane these days. You always tell me to keep going. And… when I get stuck, you’re always there to give me a hug and let me cry about all my problems. That means a lot to me, you know.”
Dys refused to meet their eyes. He bit his lip, then said, “Well, I can’t just… not do that, can I? I can’t tell you that you should let yourself be miserable.”
“You’d be surprised how many people want me to bottle everything up just so that I won’t make them uncomfortable.” They revised, “Well, I guess you wouldn’t be surprised, actually.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”
They added, “You… you really might lose me, though. I’m serious. Sometimes it just gets too much, or I screw up, like, really badly. I-it’s just a dream to me, but… it also isn’t. There’s a Sol who has to live with my decisions.” They looked away from him. “And… if I can’t kill myself, I might need you to do it for me.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Why?”
“I don’t want to live if they take away my dreams. Just shoot me. Please. It hurts less.”
He hesitated for a couple seconds, then murmured, “If that’s what you need, I’ll do it.”
Sol sniffled. “That’s why I love you. You trust me.”
“Of course I do.”
His mouth twisted upward at the sides, just on the edge of a smile. Sol put a hand on the back of his head, bringing him closer so that they could kiss his cheek. He flinched, surprised, but lingered a few more seconds than he needed to, as if hoping for more. Sol obliged.
They smiled, skin warmed by the heat radiating from his face. “If only you’d believe me when I told you that I love you.”
Again, the little twitch in Dys’s posture as it startled him. He asked wonderingly, “Y-you do?”
“Every time.”
“Oh.” He fidgeted with a loose thread on the knee of his pants. “Well, um… you already know I like you back, then.”
Sol nodded. Their brain still felt a bit weird when they moved their head. Dys silently reached out a hand, and Sol took it. It felt like a perfect fit, like one of the puzzle pieces in Sol’s head clicking neatly into place. They knew where their fingers would find each callus and scar, exactly how the softness of his palm felt against theirs.
“This means so much to me,” they whispered. “You being here, I mean. I’ve woken up in this medbay probably hundreds of times, and you’re always here. It’s a lot easier to talk to Tangent when I know I’ve already got you on my side. A-and it’s a lot less scary, actually. It’s really jarring to wake up again after—after hurting myself in another attempt. But I know I’ve got you, and that makes me feel so much better.”
Still avoiding their eyes, Dys mumbled, “I wouldn’t leave you alone in here—you seemed really scared.”
“Yeah. But… I love you a lot for this, okay?”
“Okay.” He paused, managing to meet their eyes for a couple seconds. “I love you, too.”
Sol already felt better. They kissed him on the cheek one more time, then lay themself back down, still holding his hand. Something in the room chimed again—this time, the medbay door. Tangent swept into the room, locking onto Sol like a combat drone. Sol’s brain tried to evacuate them from the situation by simply ceasing to be conscious, but it had exhausted its privileges of making them do things, and therefore had to give up after merely making them a bit dizzy.
The vertigo passed quickly, and Sol’s vision spun back up with Tangent looming over them like a vulture in a cowboy movie.
“Hi,” Sol said.
“Good. You’re up. And not too brain-damaged, either.”
Sol grunted. Some tiny part of them still wanted to hurt her for what she kept doing to them. For never fucking believing them. She was supposed to be a scientist, and yet she hid behind her biases like a coward. She really was such a liar, right down to her core. Such a hypocrite, talking down to people based on principles she couldn’t even apply to herself.
Sol took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry for yelling at you and saying I hated you.”
No good debate started with hostility. They kept themself calm with thoughts of Dys and the feeling of his hand in theirs. They thought about how it had felt to see him understand that they loved him. He was one of their most valuable assets here: a reassurance that their existence didn’t have to be horrible forever.
“Don’t apologize.” Tangent replied. “You weren’t in control of yourself.” She glanced at one of the holograms projected above the medbed. “As far as we can tell, the migraine induced a psychotic episode. You caused yourself some… cranial trauma, which the medbed healed. We—”
Sol held up their hand. Tangent paused, staring at them quizzically.
“Tangent,” they said, “I don’t care. I already know that you didn’t find any underlying causes, that I was dehydrated and all that. Have you ever thought that it might be really shitty to be in a time loop? And yes, I know, you think I’m psychotic and bla bla bla confirmation bias or whatever, uptick of psychosis around Glow, whatever. But, like, look at it from my perspective! If you were trapped in a time loop with a hypocritical asshole who kept talking to you like you were an infant, I bet you’d go insane. So, I’m going to present you with some evidence soon and I’d really appreciate if you could get your head out of your ass and maybe consider that you’re a shit friend and also a disappointment to the scientific community for not even bothering to look at the massive boatload of evidence I’m going to give you because you’re too impatient to wait a few months.”
Tangent was stunned by this, which Sol expected. She tried to say, “I thought the medbed would…”
“It did heal the head injury. I’m not psychotic.” They looked at the clock. Already a minute past Tangent’s arrival. “Here, here—I know this doesn’t prove anything, but… in about thirty seconds, all my friends and family are going to come through that door and they’re going to try to hug me, but Tammy’s going to manage to hug me first. And then I’m going to finally tell them the truth. Understand?”
Tangent frowned at them. “You think that listening to delusions is at all scientific?”
“You listened to my ‘delusions’ to help cure the Shimmer. I just didn’t tell you I knew how to do it from my dreams.”
She hesitated. Sol internally cheered at that little victory. “I… that could have been luck…”
“So I just happened to make a discovery when the smartest girl in the colony was clueless?”
“You’re appealing to my ego,” Tangent accused.
Sol shrugged. “A little. But I am right. You’re a little egotistical, sure, but you know how competent you are.” Sol raised their eyebrows at her and started to sit up. “Listen, this is interesting and all, but I’d rather talk about it in front of everyone else.”
The clamour of their friends approached, then spilled into the medbay like a storm. Hate pounded at Sol’s ribcage, unceasing and surprising in how strong it was. They had told these people again and again and again, about the loop, about how much Sol despised them for never believing. Why would it work now?
It’ll happen eventually, they reassured themself. Time was an illusion, after all. If it was physically possible—which they knew it was—then they would eventually arrive at it. They just had to wait.
Tammy launched herself at them for a hug, and Sol exhaled heavily.
They allowed everyone to touch them, safe in the knowledge that it would end eventually. As promised, they were mercifully released by the crushing heat soon enough. Sol took a few breaths to keep calm.
Dys moved from where he was sitting behind them, shifting onto the medbed and putting his arms around Sol protectively. He rested his head on their shoulder. Sol could have cried from relief. They put their hand on his forearm, as if to keep him there.
“I’m sorry for being weird to you all,” they started. They needed to reassure their friends first.
They still hated it, though. Why should they be the one apologizing, when it was all the truth? When Sol sacrificed everything for these people who wouldn’t even deign to know them?
Anemone grasped their free hand, saying, “It’s okay. I know it’s been hard. It’s been hard for all of us.”
Sol wanted to punch her so badly. She didn’t know, but how dare she say that. Sol hadn’t just lost people; they had lost everything, they had died and they had killed, thousands upon thousands of times. They had seen Anemone die in the most gruesome ways imaginable, only for it to all crumble into nothingness when their life rolled over into the next one. And she never even believed them.
They frowned at her silently, not trusting themself to respond.
“I was so worried about you,” Marz said. There were general nods and murmurations of agreement from the group. “Like, yikes, Sol. Why didn’t you go to the medbay sooner?”
“Ah, well, I… I had a bad feeling about it. But I probably would have hurt myself a lot worse if Dys hadn’t been there. If Tammy hadn’t brought him. So thanks, Dys, and thanks, Tammy.”
“You can always come to us if you need to talk,” Cal said benevolently.
“But that’s the problem,” Sol snapped. They immediately regretted the tone, but… well, they were too far to back off now. Besides, they could always try again. “I can’t actually talk to you. To any of you. I tell you what you want to hear, because you’ll hate me if I don’t—yes, even you sometimes, Dys—but not a single one of you except Dys actually knows a goddamn thing about me. Go on. Tell me one thing about myself that’s true. I dare you.”
This was part of the approach. Sure, they were usually nicer about it, but they still needed to make this about everyone else and not about Sol. To make their friends feel guilt. Their human brains tried as hard as they could to avoid feeling like they were in the wrong, so Sol would have to force them into it for them to actually start listening.
And, yeah, Sol really did think they deserved some honesty in their farce of a life. Even if it meant being a little mean. Maybe they liked being mean about it. They weren’t sure. They hated it all too much to tell.
Everyone looked at them, stunned for a few seconds, before Nomi said hesitantly, “Y-you like Lazer Fable?”
Sol shook their head. “I’m fine with it. I only play it because you like it and it gives me something to talk about with you.”
“O-oh,” Nomi said dejectedly.
Their mom offered, “You always said you wanted to be a professor.”
“Have you asked about any aspect of my life since I was, like, twelve? No, I don’t want to be a professor. I want to get the hell away from this place and run a homestead.”
Vace said, “You like hunting?”
“I go hunting to hang out with you. But I hate killing things.”
The group was getting rather nervous. After a couple awkward seconds, Rex finally said, “Well, you… you like collecting things. And giving them to people.”
“Again, it’s so I can make friends with you all. Honestly, do you think I like carrying around shitloads of useless crap in my pockets? Just for no reason?”
This was getting too nasty. They should stop. They should have stopped ages ago. They couldn’t bring themself to. They hated this. They wanted so badly to be mean and awful, to make these people understand a fraction of what was happening in their head.
Rex pinned his ears back. Anemone shuffled nervously. Their parents looked like Sol had just told them they were a serial killer, and Vace seemed almost on the edge of punching them. Sol didn’t care. They couldn’t find the energy. They were absolutely sick of lying, of dreaming, of going in circles while everyone around them refused to even listen. If all that caused this was the truth… maybe they all deserved to feel bad.
Tammy said, very quietly, “Um, you like making friends. You’re doing all this to make friends with us. Right?”
And Sol… felt their hate melt. Just a little bit.
“Yeah,” they breathed. “Actually, I am.”
Tammy smiled at them gently. Sol smiled back. Despite everything, they realized that they really did like it when she smiled, even if they were upset at everybody right now.
So… it seemed like this one wasn’t a lost cause after all.
Marz raised an eyebrow at them. “That sounds really manipulative.”
“It is. I need to do it, though. See, none of you actually like me. You just like what I pretend I am. You—you like the mask. If I didn’t do all of this, then none of you would want to be friends with me, because I-I’m really just selfish and weird, underneath it all. And, yeah, I’m manipulating all of you, but I… I had to, okay? I needed to keep you all safe and make sure you’d all have the best lives you could. I mean, I guess I’m mostly done now, though, so… I’m stopping. I’m not lying to you any longer, and I won’t blame you if you don’t actually like me. And Marz—I’ll still help you with your… your thing. Even if you aren’t my friend. It’s still important. I still care about you—about all of you—even if you don’t care about me.”
Tammy settled down beside them, putting a hand on their arm. “I don’t think you’re selfish. You’re actually one of the nicest people I’ve met. You’re still trying to take care of us, even if you don’t feel like we’re being good friends to you. That’s one of the least selfish things I’ve ever heard about. But I’m so sorry you feel like you can’t talk to us. I-I… I’d like it if you could, um, tell me how to make you feel like I’m really listening to you. Because you’re my friend, Sol. I mean, if you still want to be.”
“Of course I do.”
Everyone seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Cal agreed with Tammy, “We’ve got your back, Sol. Trust me, you can talk to us.”
“Really? Because I seriously don’t think I can.”
He frowned. “Come on. You know us.”
Every single one of Sol’s instincts screamed not to do this. No one would believe them. They would be called crazy, delusional, have their dreams stolen. And yet… this would never work if they stopped trying. And they never would stop, because they hadn’t, in the future. They had promised themself this would work, and although their body was panicking, they knew better than to act on fear. As terrifying as it was… they chose to trust themself again.
They took a deep breath. “The time loop’s real.”
They could see the pity glassing over everyone’s eyes. Sol had to act fast, before those beliefs were solidified.
“I’m not psychotic,” they blurted. “I swear, just let me explain. Let me prove it. I promise I can, but I just—I just need time. It’s not instant. That’s not how this works. I-I’ve—I’ve seen everything, but… it’s a long game, right? Life’s a long game. My plans all take years. I have to start practically as an infant just to get it all to work. To keep you all alive. I need to be good at everything, to know everyone and everything, just to have a chance at helping you all—if I mess anything up, if I forget at the wrong moment, someone dies. Someone dies, someone gets hurt—I have been watching you all die for literal millions of years, just because I messed up, and I am sick of going through this shit because nobody except Dys believes me. I have to lie to you constantly. I’m optimizing to make you all happy, but I have to sacrifice my whole childhood to get there. And I’m completely alone in this because none of you ever fucking believe me!” They took a much-needed breath to calm themself. Dys squeezed their hand, which helped. “I promise I can prove it. But—and I really need you to pay attention here—I am not omniscient. I can’t tell you exactly what’s going to happen all the time. But… I can tell you the major points. Tangent, I know you want evidence. I promise I'll give you some—I will give you the most concrete evidence fucking ever—but you need to be patient, okay?”
Tangent, who had been staring at them pointedly said, “If you don’t give me proof, I may have to put you on house arrest until your safety can be assured.”
“Tang… I know you’re scared, but I need you to work past it. Please. For me.” They sighed. “But as for proof… The closest significant thing is next year. During Glow, the xenos are going to send someone to negotiate peace. Yeah, I know, you think they’re just animals, but they aren’t. The attacks are coordinated. Mom, you know that as a member of the council. Now, they haven’t offered yet, but they will, and at that point I get to introduce you to my second boyfriend as well as his murderous sibling who I hate. And then I’m done fixing things around here and I’m going to blow this fucking popsickle stand and go live in the wilderness. Happy?”
Tangent said, “Fine. But if you’re wrong…”
“I’m not.”
Their mom, unexpectedly, added, “Well, you… you are right. About the xenos.”
Dys agreed, “They really aren’t delusional. I’ve met him, too.”
“You have two boyfriends?” Rex said incredulously. “Why is this the first I’m hearing of this? And you have awesome time powers?”
Sol wasn't quite swayed by his enthusiasm just yet. They had failed too many times to count. This would probably be another. “I… yeah. I do. But… maybe keep it on the down-low for now.”
“Oh, so that’s why you keep sneaking off and coming back with your shirt on backwards when we’re out hunting,” Vace chuckled. “And the… time thing would explain why you wanted to be my friend. I was such a dick, but you always stuck around. You… you knew you could kick my ass to therapy, didn’t you?”
“You were an asshat,” Nem agreed, although it was fairly joking.
“Oh! Oh! And you knew he’d tell his buddies to stop bullying me!” Rex said. “That’s why you did it!”
Nomi added, “And you helped me and Rex get together, too!”
Dys squeezed them tightly, and, much to Sol’s surprise, kissed their cheek. A hot blush spilled over their face. They kissed him back on the nose, to which he said, “You’ve always looked out for me, even when I was being shitty to you. Thank you, Sol.”
Tangent grimaced, unconvinced. A skeptic to the last. She started to say, “Classic confirmation bias—”
“Shut up,” Sol snapped. “Shut the fuck up.” They looked at Tammy, feeling like a begging dog. “Tammy… please tell her.”
Tammy’s eyes widened in shock. But then, she started to laugh. She put a hand on Tangent’s shoulder and said, “I… I really think I have proof. Like, real proof.”
Tangent raised an eyebrow.
Tammy explained, “Um, y-you remember when we were little, and we'd just landed? When I almost got killed by the holoprojector? Sol saved me. I-I always wondered why they were there. I thought they were going to get candy with Auntie Seedent. But then they were in the creche. They pushed me away right before the projector exploded. Why would they do that if they didn't know? Why were they always right where everyone needed them—they helped my dad, too. And Professor Hal. Once might just be a coincidence b-but… I think they knew.”
Call seemingly perked up at Tammy’s support. “And… they knew about Socks before I even told them. They even knew her name. And what she eats, too! When it wasn't even in the bestiary!”
Anemone said, a little waveringly, “What about Kom, then? Why not save him?”
“I’m so sorry, Anemone. I… I don’t know how. I just can’t kill the Faceless fast enough, no matter how much I try. He won’t agree to hide in the creche, he won’t follow my instructions… I’m really, really sorry.” They swallowed, trying to keep their tears at bay. “I, um… I have to make choices, sometimes. About what my priorities are. Between a hopeless fight where I’ll have to watch him die again and a very good chance to save Eudicot… I can’t get hung up on the people I can’t help. Not when I could spend that time saving someone else. And… having her means I can save so many more lives.” Their vision flashed with screams and fire and gore. “I failed once, because I didn’t save her. Because Seeq wouldn’t agree to vote for Marz, and without Marz—”
“Oh, so that's what you were on about,” Marz said. “You, like, literally meant you dreamt about it.”
Sol nodded. “The peace doesn't work if Lum's governor. And that's only if he doesn't genocide the planet with Tang’s little project.”
The almighty Tangent actually looked shocked. “How did you—”
“No, I didn't break into your lab. No reason to. I don't bother talking to you about it anymore, really. Marz wouldn't use it.”
“I'm sorry, what?” Dys hissed.
Sol waved their hands. “No need to blow up the engineering wing about it. I've got it handled.”
Tangent glared at her brother. “Were you—”
“No!” he said. “Maybe. Look, Sol already convinced me not to.”
“Convinced you?”
Sol rolled their eyes and said, “Ugh, just shut up. Both of you. I didn't spend eight months working at the bar just for you to start arguing again.”
The twins fell into silence for a few seconds. Tangent broke it with, “Why is the bar important?”
“Only place I can get you to talk to each other.”
“Hm,” she said. There was a certain spark of belief about her. Sol found themself hopeful that, this time, it would really work. “This… might require more testing.”
“Exactly. What sort of scientist would you be if you just ignored all this evidence? Tang, you're human, too, as much as you hate it. You've got just as many biases and fears as we all do. Don't let them get in your way.”
She… she nodded! They were making progress!
“You're correct,” she admitted. “We can… look into this. I can't ignore your evidence.”
Sol pumped their fist and said brightly, “Oh, thank fuck. I feel like I've been here for years.”
In a fit of joy, they kissed Tammy on the cheek. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
Tammy shook her head. “I think we should be thanking you. You’ve done so much for us. I mean… you actually saved my life!”
The world was suddenly less immensely crushing. Less hostile. Sol felt bright and new, exposed like fresh skin healing over a wound.
And they… they smiled. Really smiled, and it wasn’t fake or forced. It felt amazing.
“Thank you for believing me,” they whispered. “Finally. Thank you. I… you have no idea how long I’ve had to hide this. I love you all so much.”
Nomi threw their arms around Sol, and Tammy joined in, even wrapping Dys up in it. He didn’t make any objection, not even a nonverbal one. He only kissed Sol on the cheek again. Soon, everybody was piling into the hug. Even Tang joined in with a hand on Sol’s shoulder.
“Thank you,” they repeated.
They could feel the wormhole rising above them as Glow season began again. It was almost like it was humming, like their own bones were humming, like everything was all one infinite and beautiful moment. They recognized themself as part of a whole now, not just one desperate individual throwing variations of themself into a temporal meat-grinder. Every Sol that ever was, that ever would be, would remember this timeline: the one where they had been believed.
They could see the darkness behind the universe again, and they were suddenly terrified that they would have to leave. After all, this wasn’t really their life. They had lived it for a few minutes, just enough to know that things could be good again. That wasn’t too bad, though; it had been worth it.
“That’s not quite how it works.”
Sol looked up—actually, maybe not up, maybe some different direction that they had no idea how to quantify. They saw themself, like they always saw between lives, gnarled and wrinkled with age, but looking utterly content with themself.
The older Sol said, “It is your life. It’s all our lives, and you have every right to live it. You’ve done more than enough searching, I think. Go ahead and enjoy it.” They reached out their hand. “There’s just one more thing for you to do.”
Sol let their palm meet the softly creased skin of their older self. Something flickered.
They were in the bar again, with Dys. Two weeks ago. Forever ago. He looked monumentally pissed-off. They hadn’t quite realized it in the moment—they’d been too disoriented—but… it was his way of showing he cared. He wasn’t very vocal about it, but it was so important to him that Sol was safe.
“You mean so much to me,” they said. “You don’t know this yet, but… you’re important in this. To finding a way through this.”
He looked to the side, pressing his mouth together in a grimace. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Can you tell me something when I ask you what just happened?”
He nodded.
“I need you to tell me that I don’t have to lie any longer. That I can tell them. And I know I’ll do it right, because I already did.”
“What?”
And then, Sol was back in the medbay, together with the people they loved. They really had been right to trust themself. They had done it. They were loved. They were understood. And they hugged their friends back, and they remembered why they were doing all this in the first place.