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“Guys I realised something....”
Maomao looked up at Xiaolan, who broke their 30 minutes of silence on refreshing their memory for their Anatomy test. Maomao looked at her as if she hit her head, brows furrowing slightly with the tilt of her head.
Currently, Maomao, Xiaolan and Shisui were in their dormitory, sitting on the floor with their textbooks open and papers scattered across the floor. Flashcards with diagrams were stuck across those notes.
The heat slammed Maomao’s day with a contract driven mission. She couldn't understand the feeling of heat as much as the former aspired to learn about her. She was still focused on passing her test.
But after the distasteful silence that came after Xiaolan’s words disrupted her, all she could do now was listen in on her best friend's choice of words instead of focusing her gaze on boring through the context of the textbook.
Also human anatomy wasn’t her thing.
“That’s a weird way to start a conversation.” Shisui quipped at Xiaolan, leaning closer to her with a mischievous smile gracing her lips. “Are you trying to slack off?”
The poor girl blushed bright red at the sudden closeness, “N- No! No!” her hands flailed around aggressively, forming into an ‘X’. “It’s just, I realised that next week’s an… Anarchy-Inspired Day.”
It took a moment for Maomao to properly understand Xiaolan’s words, furrowing her eyebrows at her realisation. Her gaze flew to the high stuck calendar on the wall, the distracting cartoon images ignored as her eyes fell on the . “Y- You mean April Fools?”
Perhaps it was how Maomao asked her the question and not the question itself that slightly spooked her into hiding her face. Although it wasn’t as if Maomao would jump over the table and tackle her..
Right..?
“Why say it like that..?” Maomao muttered, her words unfortunately unheard.
Xiaolan spoke louder with more confidence, “I mean, there aren't any ruled on April fools. You can do whatever you want for funsies. Like prank a friend, trick everyone else into a scheme.”
Shisui’s face contorted, her lips quaking into confusion while her brows formed the hill above her eyelid. She craned her neck forward, leaning toward the hiding Xiaolan, the latter in response bringing a book onto her head.
“And what about it?” Suddenly, Shisui’s face lit up, a moment of realisation turning into sudden mischievousness. “You got a date to screw?” Her grin grew larger and larger by the second, unable to properly hide it.
Maomao watched as Xiaolan stilled for a few seconds before vigorously shaking her head, the book falling off her head, revealing the flush tomato red color that grazed her face. “Guys—”
“N- N- NOOO!! I don’t!!! I- I…” Xiaolan hid her face in her hands, still blushing furiously. And Shisui made sure to use it to her advantage.
“Oh? What happened? You realised that what you said was valid and that nothing counts? Was this a free pass to do something you technically didn’t do?”
That struck Maomao directly in her heart. Something she didn’t expect from the bundled hair girl. She felt herself twitch at the thought , her mind immediately flying towards a certain dark haired political science major. Or was it economics?
The image was clearer and clearer by the second. Cascading hair that glided through the air— even her hands. The silky soft touch of hair that not only brought pleasure and relief, but something else that was buried deep in her heart.
It was a spark that ignited the log that melted the icy walls of solitary, forcing her to reveal herself to him.
It was that same fire that diminished. The same fire that used to keep the walls away that brought the past all back. The flames that dragged down the cold heartless walls were the same reason for them to be built again.
It was to survive. And by letting it all out, she broke herself willingly. She allowed a stranger to break her in ways she couldn't heal— something she refused to accept till this day.
Till this day, she tries her hardest not to think of him. Locking herself up in her room, focusing on her studies. Rushing in and out of classrooms to prevent unnecessary conversations.
Perhaps it was only after she was confronted by Shisui and Xiaolan that she could properly process everything and let out those few weeks of pain she held back.
Something only he knew.
The way his face immediately occupied her thoughts at the words of Shisui struck her. She was already struggling to accept it, and now she had to hear these words from her?
Yeah, they were joyful and playful words meant to tease Xiaolan, but the more Maomao thought about it, the less she could hide the growing blush of her ears.
Was she truly over him? Could she bear herself to see him again? To be within a few meters of him? She didn't know.
She didn't know if that also meant that she was over him. But by the obvious thoughts of him flooding into her brain, his sleek and defined features, the beautiful amethyst colored pupils staring at her with a look she never knew existed.
A look she could never decipher, that only screamed; I'm yours.
If she could, she would've written an essay on how she felt whenever she looked at her that way.
A look that still sends shivers down her spine. Something she could never physically or mentally shake off or erase from her life.
It was sorrow handed to her on a silver platter.
Her thoughts only got interrupted after the continuous audible snapping of the fingers that got her out of a trance.
Maomao shook, her eyes suddenly adjusting to the 2 figures crawling on top of her.
“Uhm..?”
“Maomao, Maomao! You wouldn't respond when we called you!” Xiaolan sounded awfully familiar to a brown haired woman (married) she knew.
The cat was confused, “Uh.. I think I was daydreaming.. I don't..”
Xiaolan got into her face, “About what?” She paused, then slowly grinned, “or who?”
If Maomao could physically show the disgust a normal person would have after seeing a worm contort its body, she'd have made it possible due to the vile look she gave Shisui.
The latter just laughed it off, waving her hands as if to wash it away. “So it was someone.”
Xiaolan pulled Shisui back, putting distance between them, sensing the incoming attack from Maomao. “M- might I ask who?”
Maomao shook her head. “It was nothing. I don't know why you guys are fussing over me so much.”
Xiaolan pouted, her face showing a hint of disappointment towards Maomao. “Cuz you just had a nasty breakup with the campus prince J-”
Before she could finish that sentence, it was now Shisui’s turn to prevent having their heads cut off, covering Xiaolan's mouth, “Don't!”
Maomao's eyebrow twitched at the mention of him. The only reason she agreed to this group study was to take her mind off of him. And now, the place she called her own retreat spot had become an advocate to publish his presence.
“I'm fine. And I don't want to talk about it.” Maomao kept her head low, afraid of scaring Xiaolan with whatever the emotion that was currently radiating off her face.
However, what she didn't expect was a whine from the same girl, “But it's not fine!” Her hands waved in the air, “You've ignored this issue for almost 2 months! Two! And you still don't wish to talk about it to atleast a therapist?”
Maomao scoffed, “I'm not weak enough to visit a therapist for my problems. Plus I'm already over him.”
Shisui's voice cut in, her hands crossed and tucked in, “If you truly were over him, you wouldn't have locked yourself in your room for 2 months straight.”
It was the seriousness of her voice that brought Maomao back to reality, not the words. If Shisui was serious, she had to think of the options in front of her.
Perhaps Maomao did need help. But how could she accept that so easily? Where she grew up, asking for help was a matter of equivalent exchange. If she wanted something, she had to pay a price for it.
And the price was never money.
That one principle brought her to where she was now. A strong individual. That too a woman. God knows how women are treated in this economy.
The environment she grew up in thought her to be tough. If you had no value, you had no use.
She was useless most of the time.
But what helped was her passion— and her adoptive father and sisters. He had taught her everything she needed to know about the wilderness of homosapiens.
Maomao felt a wave of nausea, bile piling up at her throat as her face flinched forwards, hands immediately flying to her mouth, trying to prevent a spillage.
“Maomao! Quick!” She felt her hands being pulled upwards, along with her entire body as her feet finally gained stability. She rushed to the bathroom, the bile spilling in the trash can.
The world around her became dizzy, as the constant pile of up bile porued out of her mouth in a continuous motion, not even allowing her to catch a breath.
After what felt like an hour (it was 5 minutes), Maomao let out a pained whine, clutching her throat, her nails digging through the skin in absolute frustration.
The culmination of all these past events finally caught up to her as she felt her vision starting to blur slowly, wet trails sliding down her cheek as she finally realised what was happening to her.
She was crying again. And it was all his fault. It was everyone's fault.
She cried twice because of one pesky brat. And that same brat was the reason she was wasted in her room, endlessly studying.
She could feel a pair of hands smoothing down her back, almost trying to comfort her.
Something she missed from him too.
The words they muttered went blank like her vision. She couldn't understand anything happening around her, only the pain of heartburn that blew through her chest. She despised him with every being, trying her hardest not to punch something or someone. Maomao had a compulsion to give herself amnesia just to forget these traumatic events.
The sobs kept growing, getting even more uglier and uglier by the passing second. All she could do was continuously wash her face, trying to convince herself that it was the tiny dust particles in the air causing her eyes to test up. The whimpering sounds that escaped her mouth? That was the byproduct of the bile.
She could only convince herself that she wasn't crying twice over the same person. She tried so hard.
Even being in denail couldn't help her as all she felt was the fiery burn that sentence pain across her body. Her heart hurt the most, unable to stand the breakage she experienced.
Her knees started buckling, the weight of the burn being too heavy for her to contain.
“Maomao! You're legs are shaking!” She felt Xiaolan's hands go under hers, trying to pull her away from the sink.
“I’ll go get some water and food, please get her off the sink!” Shisui ran off, grabbing her wallet and closing the dorm room.
Xiaolan managed to pull her away, only for Maomao to whine and hiss in protest, The sobs getting harsher and harsher as she fell on the floor, landing backwards onto Xiaolan.
Finally, after so long, she let everything out, her cries after echoing off the dorm floors, probably audible in the hallway. She tried to control herself, but all she could think about was how she was destroyed by him. Physically and emotionally.
Are you fucking happy?
She called to Xiaolan, fulling letting out all she could, giving up into the shackles of her friends support. Xiaolan could only hold her firmly, comforting her with words of affirmation.
After what felt like hours, Maomao calmed down. Her tears subsided, and The only thing that followed were inconsistent strings of hiccups. She could manage that.
Slowly, Maomao pushed herself off Xiaolan and noticed how they were sprawled across the floor.
“F- Forgive me. I went too far.”
She didn't.
Maomao didn't know (She might've).
“Hey it's fine… just.. Are you alright now?”
She wasn't.
No.
“Yes.”
Love was a cruel thing.