Work Text:
“Financial Audit” Podcast
Transcript of YouTube Video
WEI WUXIAN: Hi, I’m Wei Wuxian, and I’m 27 years old.
LAN WANGJI: Lan Wangji, 27 years old.
WEI WUXIAN: And this is “Financial Audit”!
JIANG CHENG: I’ve been told by my producers to describe this as a “special episode” because Wei Wuxian is my brother. In my opinion, the only thing special about it is that he’s especially irksome.
WEI WUXIAN: Thank you!
JIANG CHENG: Be quiet! Now, state your relationship for the record.
WEI WUXIAN: This is beginning to feel more and more like a courtroom.
JIANG CHENG: Well, you would know, wouldn’t you?
WEI WUXIAN: Objection! Leading the audience. I’ve only been to traffic court. And that was only a few times!
JIANG CHENG: State your relationship status so we can move on, or I’m kicking you out.
LAN WANGJI: Married.
WEI WUXIAN: Unlawfully wed.
JIANG CHENG: What do you mean unlawfully?
WEI WUXIAN: None of your business!
LAN WANGJI: He’s telling a joke.
JIANG CHENG: Okay, moving on. How much income do you both make in a year?
WEI WUXIAN: If I had to guess—
JIANG CHENG: Why are you guessing? Why don’t you know?
WEI WUXIAN: I’m the sugar baby in this relationship, so I only make, like, $100,000 a year.
JIANG CHENG: I want you to leave right now and not return.
LAN WANGJI: Another joke.
WEI WUXIAN: We can’t know that for sure!
LAN WANGJI: My annual salary is $150,000.
JIANG CHENG: You have a combined household income of $250,000? Why the fuck are you here, then?
WEI WUXIAN: What’s the purpose of this show, again?
JIANG CHENG: To help people improve their finances, you—
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, that’s right. We need help, because we’re living paycheck to paycheck.
JIANG CHENG: You must be fucking joking.
WEI WUXIAN: I’m dead serious!
JIANG CHENG: You’re bringing in more than double the median household income in this area. How is that even possible?
WEI WUXIAN: We have a lot of expenses.
JIANG CHENG: We’ll fucking see about that. How much do you make a month after taxes?
WEI WUXIAN: If I had to guess—
JIANG CHENG: Stop fucking guessing!
WEI WUXIAN: Like, $3,000-ish.
JIANG CHENG: Monthly?
WEI WUXIAN: Per paycheck!
JIANG CHENG: Are your paychecks monthly?
WEI WUXIAN: No, twice a month!
JIANG CHENG: Then why didn’t you say that? So, $6,000 monthly. What about you?
LAN WANGJI: $4,295.
JIANG CHENG: Okay, I just wanted an estimate, not your whole life story. Rounding, about $14,500 for the household?
LAN WANGJI: $14,590.
JIANG CHENG: What did I JUST say about rounding?
WEI WUXIAN: That $90 really means a lot to us.
JIANG CHENG: Do you even want my help?
WEI WUXIAN: Yes, definitely. Wise master, how can we overcome our financial challenges so I can buy a Cybertruck?
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian! You better be joking.
WEI WUXIAN: Yeah, Cybertrucks are hideous and impractical. I actually want a race car.
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: You’re not getting any fancy cars soon, I can tell you that much. Not with this massive stack of papers I have in front of me—is this all debt?
WEI WUXIAN: I forget, honestly.
JIANG CHENG: How can you possibly have this much debt?
WEI WUXIAN: One thing led to another, and then . . .
JIANG CHENG: Okay, shut up. I’ve heard enough nonsense from you. Robotron 3000 over there, what is your assessment of your financial situation?
LAN WANGJI: Medium.
JIANG CHENG: I don’t even know what that means.
WEI WUXIAN: Let’s just dive into the numbers, and then you’ll see!
JIANG CHENG: Jesus Christ. Okay, fine, let’s start with this account—is this a joint savings account? Are your finances combined?
WEI WUXIAN: Yes, indeed.
JIANG CHENG: Is this a joke? Why is there no money in this account? Where do you keep your emergency fund?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, we don’t believe in that.
JIANG CHENG: How do you “not believe” in an emergency fund? It’s common sense to have at least six months’ worth of expenses saved in case of emergencies.
WEI WUXIAN: In this economy? Just feels like a waste to keep that money languishing in our savings account when instead I could be investing it in high-risk, high-reward investments.
JIANG CHENG: Exactly what investments are you gambling all your savings on?
WEI WUXIAN: Tech startups!
JIANG CHENG: That’s where all your money is? In tech startups? Which have a failure rate of 90%?
WEI WUXIAN: Yeah, but the ones we invested in are gonna succeed for sure, and then we’ll be millionaires.
JIANG CHENG: How could you possibly know that? Based on what metrics?
WEI WUXIAN: I chose ones with a good vibe.
JIANG CHENG: Vibe? How many have you invested in?
WEI WUXIAN: At least three.
JIANG CHENG: You’re putting all your money into three high-risk investments? You’re not even trying to diversify? What if they all fail?
WEI WUXIAN: We did diversify! We picked three!
JIANG CHENG: How are you allowing this to happen?
LAN WANGJI: High risk, high reward.
JIANG CHENG: I’m going to kill both of you. So you have no savings, essentially.
WEI WUXIAN: Savings are bad luck! They’re practically a curse, begging something terrible to befall us.
JIANG CHENG: I’m going to curse you if you don’t watch out. Is this stack of documents all debt?
WEI WUXIAN: You’re the finance guy. You tell us!
JIANG CHENG: Let’s get into it so we can finish as soon as possible. What is this?
WEI WUXIAN: It’s an IOU note.
JIANG CHENG: Who do you owe money to without an actual contract?
WEI WUXIAN: I owe Huaisang $16,000.
JIANG CHENG: Huaisang? My producer, Nie Huaisang?
WEI WUXIAN: Yes!
JIANG CHENG: Explain!
WEI WUXIAN: All my money is tied up in my investments, so I needed some startup capital for a business venture.
JIANG CHENG: What business venture?
WEI WUXIAN: Exotic snake breeding!
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: It’s a legitimate business opportunity. Once it takes off, I’m going to be set for life!
JIANG CHENG: What good is more money going to do you? Clearly you don’t know how to manage it. When did you start breeding snakes?
WEI WUXIAN: Well, I got the idea a year ago, so I borrowed a bit of money to buy some snakes, but I haven’t managed to breed any yet.
JIANG CHENG: You haven’t even managed to breed any? After spending thousands of dollars? How are you planning to make money off of this?
WEI WUXIAN: I haven’t gotten that far yet!
JIANG CHENG: Just sell them and get your money back.
WEI WUXIAN: I would, but they’re kind of a depreciating asset.
JIANG CHENG: Excuse me?
WEI WUXIAN: You know, like . . . declining in value over time.
JIANG CHENG: I know what fucking depreciation is! What the hell is wrong with you? Who would even buy these from you if you managed to breed them? Pet stores?
WEI WUXIAN: No, I think they have their own suppliers. Probably, like, other people who want to get into snake breeding.
JIANG CHENG: Is this a snake pyramid scheme?
WEI WUXIAN: Objection! Leading question.
JIANG CHENG: Why are you just sitting there? Are you condoning this?
LAN WANGJI: Wei Ying likes snakes.
JIANG CHENG: I don’t care what he fucking likes! You clearly can’t afford to spend thousands on a depreciating asset!
WEI WUXIAN: What about my car?
JIANG CHENG: Oh, we’ll get to that. Where the hell is Nie Huaisang? Why is he selling people snakes?
WEI WUXIAN: He’s a true homie.
JIANG CHENG: He’s not here? How convenient. He knows I’m going to wring his neck. Where are you even keeping all of these snakes?
WEI WUXIAN: We had to buy a second house for them, obviously.
JIANG CHENG: What do you mean “obviously”? You took out a second mortgage for some snakes?
WEI WUXIAN: Well, it was also because we wanted a more scenic view.
JIANG CHENG: Tape some fucking landscape pictures on the windows! What are you talking about?
LAN WANGJI: Not the same.
JIANG CHENG: Oh, for fuck’s—
WEI WUXIAN: Do you want to hear about my other business ideas?
JIANG CHENG: “Other”? Is that a threat?
WEI WUXIAN: It’s an earnest question. I have a lot of ideas.
JIANG CHENG: Oh, this ought to be good.
WEI WUXIAN: The ideas are very good, thank you. Okay, so, first, I’m trying to start a company in the EDM world.
JIANG CHENG: The what?
LAN WANGJI: Electronic dance music.
JIANG CHENG: I know what EDM is! Why do you know that?
WEI WUXIAN: I feel like there’s a lot of untapped potential in the EDM scene.
JIANG CHENG: Potential for what?
WEI WUXIAN: Business!
JIANG CHENG: I’m asking what business!
WEI WUXIAN: Oh. I don’t know yet.
JIANG CHENG: Then what are you even talking about?
WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan thinks my ideas are genius.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: Where did you even find this guy? Did they build him at one of your tech startups?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, they’re not nearly competent or successful enough to build Lan Zhan. If they were, I’d be making a lot more money off them right now.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
WEI WUXIAN: I think my main aspiration is becoming a pro esports player, though.
JIANG CHENG: What game could you possibly play professionally?
WEI WUXIAN: I think I’ll just pick one and, like, become really good at it.
JIANG CHENG: Pick—? You really have lost your mind. Lan Wangji, you have no thoughts on this?
LAN WANGJI: Wei Ying is very talented.
JIANG CHENG: I’m going to flip this godforsaken table. What the fuck?
WEI WUXIAN: We can get more into my future plans later. Do you want to look at our spending now?
JIANG CHENG: No, I seriously want to leave. But fine. Let’s start with your loans. What is this one?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, right. I had to take out a payday loan to DoorDash boba.
JIANG CHENG: Not a single one of those words is in the Bible, you unholy creature. What are you talking about? With your income, why did you get a payday loan? Why did you even order boba for delivery?
WEI WUXIAN: I was really craving it, but my cards were maxed out.
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian!
LAN WANGJI: Wei Ying likes boba.
JIANG CHENG: I don’t know how many times I can express that I don’t care what he likes. And this—what? You left a tip for the payday loan company?
WEI WUXIAN: Yeah, well, they were doing me a favor, so I tipped them to say thanks.
JIANG CHENG: They’re not doing you a favor! They’re making money off you by charging a disgustingly high interest rate for this loan you didn’t even need in the first place!
WEI WUXIAN: But I did need it! For my delivery order!
JIANG CHENG: Why haven’t you paid this back yet? You’ve already been charged $10 in interest on a $50 loan! The interest rate is 250%!
WEI WUXIAN: Oh. I forgot about it.
JIANG CHENG: How many of these papers are just for mind-numbingly stupid payday loans?
WEI WUXIAN: I don’t know, actually. Should we move on to the bigger ones?
JIANG CHENG: Like hell we will—what the fuck is this? A $4,000 loan with a 35% interest rate? Did you go out of your way to find the worst possible interest rates?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, that’s for our pizza oven.
JIANG CHENG: You financed a $4,000 pizza oven?
LAN WANGJI: Wei Ying likes pizza.
WEI WUXIAN: Yeah! Do you want to come visit sometime to try it out?
JIANG CHENG: I will not touch a single thing that comes out of that piece of junk. What is this $1,000 loan for?
WEI WUXIAN: The pizza oven broke, so we had to fix it.
JIANG CHENG: And you needed a loan for that? Where is all your income going?
WEI WUXIAN: It’s tied up in higher priorities.
JIANG CHENG: Such as?
WEI WUXIAN: The investments, obviously. And, you know, mortgage payments, property taxes, insurance, medical bills—
JIANG CHENG: Medical bills? What medical bills?
WEI WUXIAN: For our rabbits!
JIANG CHENG: For your—what fucking medical issues do they have? They’re rabbits!
WEI WUXIAN: Ours have very delicate constitutions. They get weekly hydrotherapy.
JIANG CHENG: What?
LAN WANGJI: For their arthritis.
WEI WUXIAN: They need specialized treatment!
JIANG CHENG: What—how would—why?
LAN WANGJI: Arthritis.
JIANG CHENG: I’ve had just about enough out of you. How much are you spending on your rabbits?
WEI WUXIAN: Maybe $1,000?
JIANG CHENG: Monthly?!
WEI WUXIAN: No, weekly.
JIANG CHENG: Just on this hydrotherapy?
WEI WUXIAN: No, I was also including their food—
JIANG CHENG: Are they eating solid gold bars?
WEI WUXIAN: No, but it’s an organic, wild-foraged whole-food diet. Plus their grooming and enrichment, obviously.
JIANG CHENG: Obviously. There’s obviously something broken in your brain. These rodents are absolute money pits.
LAN WANGJI: Lagomorphs.
JIANG CHENG: Are you having a stroke?
LAN WANGJI: Not rodents. Lagomorphs.
JIANG CHENG: Sure, stay hung up on that distinction while your finances are completely underwater!
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, yeah. That’s another big monthly expense. Maintaining our aquarium walls.
JIANG CHENG: Your what?
WEI WUXIAN: I’ve heard that aquariums can reduce stress, so—
JIANG CHENG: You know what else can reduce stress? Managing your finances like a sane individual!
WEI WUXIAN: So three of the walls in our bedroom are actually just giant fish tanks. Aquarium walls!
JIANG CHENG: What the actual fuck?
WEI WUXIAN: You seem stressed. Maybe you should install an aquarium in your house.
JIANG CHENG: I’m going to put you in an aquarium full of sharks.
WEI WUXIAN: Our pet sharks? Sweet.
JIANG CHENG: Why do you have sharks in your fish tank walls?
LAN WANGJI: Sharks are fish.
JIANG CHENG: Why does he only chime in with the most useless pedantic bullshit?
WEI WUXIAN: It’s only a few sharks—not like they’re gonna break the bank! Except when we take them to the exotic vet. Their treatment is a bit pricey.
JIANG CHENG: Where did you even find this vet?
WEI WUXIAN: Huaisang recommended this vet for the snakes.
JIANG CHENG: I’d almost managed to block out all memory of the snakes. Why are you running a zoo in your house?
WEI WUXIAN: It’s not easy, but someone has to do it.
JIANG CHENG: No one has to do it! Get a dog like a normal person!
WEI WUXIAN: A what?
JIANG CHENG: You have literal snakes and sharks in your house, but a dog is scary?
WEI WUXIAN: The sharks and snakes are very honest about their bloodthirst.
LAN WANGJI: No dogs.
JIANG CHENG: I’ve had enough of this. Get rid of your expensive fish walls and your snake house if you can’t even afford your bills.
WEI WUXIAN: I hear what you’re saying, but I really don’t think they’re a major expense.
JIANG CHENG: What do you consider major?
WEI WUXIAN: Have you seen the loan for the kitchen renovations?
JIANG CHENG: No? Okay, here it is. What could you possibly be doing in your kitchen to warrant this loan?
WEI WUXIAN: Well, first we needed to replace everything with smart appliances.
JIANG CHENG: Do you need the blender to ask you how your fucking day is going? Are you trying to live in a surveillance state? What’s the point of that?
WEI WUXIAN: And I wanted lights you can turn off by clapping!
JIANG CHENG: Just use the light switches like a normal person! Is that so hard?
WEI WUXIAN: Also, we installed a wet bar, of course.
JIANG CHENG: For what? Your husband doesn’t even drink.
LAN WANGJI: For Wei Ying.
JIANG CHENG: He’s just going to sit there drinking alone?
WEI WUXIAN: For when we have company!
JIANG CHENG: When do you even have company? I’m relieved I’ve never been to your house.
LAN WANGJI: You’re not invited.
JIANG CHENG: As if I want to see your talking fridge and fish walls! Great, so you’ve wasted all this money on unnecessary upgrades. What happens if your water heater explodes or something and you can’t afford to replace it because you spent all your income on useless junk?
WEI WUXIAN: Our water heater is solid. Are you trying to curse us?
JIANG CHENG: If only I could. What’s this? Car loan?
WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan owns his car, but I just got a new Jeep.
JIANG CHENG: What are you doing with a Jeep Wrangler? Are you driving through the fucking wilderness? Why did you finance this for $50,000? With your income, why aren’t you saving up to buy it in cash?
WEI WUXIAN: You can do that?
JIANG CHENG: Maybe you can’t because you’re incapable of saving money, but people with discipline could!
LAN WANGJI: No need.
JIANG CHENG: What do you mean no need? This has a 12% interest rate! How bad is your credit score?
WEI WUXIAN: Pretty good. At least 100.
JIANG CHENG: At least—what are you fucking saying? The range starts at 300!
WEI WUXIAN: Oh. Then at least 300.
JIANG CHENG: I—okay. What is your retirement looking like?
WEI WUXIAN: Really good. I think I’ll learn how to crochet. Lan Zhan wants a hat.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: Who is talking about hobbies? I’m asking about your retirement accounts. Do you have a 401k?
WEI WUXIAN: Yeah, totally.
JIANG CHENG: Thank god. How much do you have in it?
WEI WUXIAN: At least $100.
JIANG CHENG: What?
WEI WUXIAN: There was more, but I cashed it out to buy something.
JIANG CHENG: To buy what? Are you serious?
WEI WUXIAN: I don’t remember, actually.
JIANG CHENG: What are you going to do when you retire and don’t have any money to live on?
WEI WUXIAN: I’ll live off of Lan Zhan’s money, obviously.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: What money? If you haven’t cashed his retirement savings yet, you’re probably on track to do it within a year. Do you even know that your twenties are one of the best decades for compound growth?
WEI WUXIAN: No idea what that means, but I think it’s fine. If fate leaves us destitute in our old age—
JIANG CHENG: What fate? This is all directly a result of your own actions!
WEI WUXIAN: We can just live off the government, right?
JIANG CHENG: Live off the—no! Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: Wait, I meant to ask you, can you still get government assistance if you owe taxes?
JIANG CHENG: Do you owe money in taxes? How much?
WEI WUXIAN: At least—
JIANG CHENG: I swear to god, if you say $100—
WEI WUXIAN: Probably a bit more than that.
JIANG CHENG: Where’s the—okay, let’s see. What? What the fuck? Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: Present!
JIANG CHENG: How do you possibly owe the IRS $50,000?
WEI WUXIAN: I think they must have fudged the numbers a bit. I don’t recall owing that much.
JIANG CHENG: Why are you evading your taxes?
WEI WUXIAN: I pay my taxes!
JIANG CHENG: The IRS begs to differ.
WEI WUXIAN: Well, they don’t get it. It’s just some minor misunderstandings from my prior freelancing work and some gambling winnings.
JIANG CHENG: When and what were you freelancing?
WEI WUXIAN: It was just a few years ago! I was a ghostwriter.
JIANG CHENG: A ghostwriter for what?
WEI WUXIAN: Lots of things. Online dating profiles, memoirs, influencer apologies, fake Yelp reviews—
JIANG CHENG: And this was your main job?
WEI WUXIAN: Nah, just a side hustle. It made pretty good money, though.
JIANG CHENG: But you didn’t set any aside for taxes?
WEI WUXIAN: I just feel like it’s none of the government’s business if I have a little extra income. It’s just my good fortune.
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: Is that a no to government assistance, then?
JIANG CHENG: I will sooner vote for a cow to be president than allow you to take a dime of government aid at your income level.
WEI WUXIAN: Do you think we should get any pet cows?
JIANG CHENG: No! Sell your zoo! Put them back wherever the hell they came from!
WEI WUXIAN: But they’re like family to me!
JIANG CHENG: The snakes you’re trying to breed are like family to you? What the fuck is your actual family, then? Chopped liver?
WEI WUXIAN: The snakes are like distant family that I am willing to part with for money.
JIANG CHENG: If we weren’t on camera right now, I would punch you in the face.
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: What “no”? I’d punch you too, to see if it would knock some sense into you about this financial catastrophe!
WEI WUXIAN: I don’t think it’s really that bad, though.
JIANG CHENG: No? Really? How about we go through your credit card statements next?
WEI WUXIAN: Those are mostly just small purchases, so they don’t really count.
JIANG CHENG: Yeah, well, what if you add them up? To see that you spent two-fucking-thousand dollars on eating out!
LAN WANGJI: $1,981.03.
JIANG CHENG: I’ll punch you right now. I don’t even care about the cameras.
WEI WUXIAN: Yo, chill. That amount seems fine to me?
JIANG CHENG: You used goddamn Afterpay for a Dunkin’ Donuts delivery order! Why would you possibly need to pay that in installments?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, yeah, I realized I could do that instead of the payday loans. It was, like, $60. I’m not gonna pay that much for Dunkin’.
JIANG CHENG: You still have to pay it! Just in installments! How did you even buy that much at Dunkin’?
WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan was really hungry.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: This credit card statement is ridiculous. What is all this miscellaneous bullshit?
WEI WUXIAN: Hard to say, really.
JIANG CHENG: What is—why did you spend $300 on Canva this month?
WEI WUXIAN: Canva? How’s that possible?
JIANG CHENG: I’m asking you! What do you even need Canva for?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, right. I was designing our family Christmas cards.
JIANG CHENG: It’s July. What Christmas? What designing?
WEI WUXIAN: I gotta get a head start on my graphic design projects, otherwise how will I finish them in time?
JIANG CHENG: I’m not even going to answer that. What the hell are you buying on eBay that cost thousands of dollars?
WEI WUXIAN: I got into an intense bidding war and accidentally bid $3,000 instead of $30.
JIANG CHENG: And you didn’t cancel the transaction?
WEI WUXIAN: Well, the thing is, I really wanted to have the winning bid, so I just took that as a sunk cost.
JIANG CHENG: $3,000 is a sunk cost? For what?
WEI WUXIAN: A flask.
JIANG CHENG: You spent $3,000 on a flask? Is it fucking diamond-encrusted?
WEI WUXIAN: It looks like an umbrella!
JIANG CHENG: So?
WEI WUXIAN: So I have a collection of flasks shaped like regular objects to see if Lan Zhan will notice.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: All you do is enable him! How are you sitting there so calm?
WEI WUXIAN: Hey, I enable him too. Look at his purchases! He spent $7,000 on a guqin.
JIANG CHENG: Is that also diamond-encrusted? Is it blessed by a shaman?
LAN WANGJI: It’s antique.
JIANG CHENG: What the hell is that supposed to mean? So it’s just old? How is that worth $7,000 when you guys have no money? I’d say you should just get divorced—
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: But you couldn’t fucking afford a divorce anyway! You’re doomed!
WEI WUXIAN: So now that you’ve gotten a feel for our financial situation, what advice do you have for us?
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: I’m listening with rapt attention.
JIANG CHENG: My advice is to fake your deaths and hope these lenders don’t manage to catch up with you.
WEI WUXIAN: Not a bad idea, actually. Thoughts, Lan Zhan?
LAN WANGJI: Life on the run is not suitable for rabbits.
WEI WUXIAN: Actually, that’s a really good point.
JIANG CHENG: Enough with the rabbits! I’m going to turn them into a stew so at least I get some compensation for what I’ve had to endure during this conversation.
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: Is that all you know how to say? Why don’t you try saying it to this moron the next time he wants to adopt some exotic pets or smuggle alcohol into a public place?
LAN WANGJI: No.
WEI WUXIAN: Flasks can carry nonalcoholic drinks too! They’re versatile.
JIANG CHENG: There is something so wrong with you. Why did you even come here today?
WEI WUXIAN: To seek wisdom, obviously. It’s come to my attention recently that we seem to get a lot of annoying letters in the mail from the bank, so I thought maybe we should clean up our finances a bit.
JIANG CHENG: And how are you going to do that when you’ve proven to be a lunatic with an enabling husband?
WEI WUXIAN: Maybe I’ll start packing lunch for me and Lan Zhan one day a week to save a bit on food.
JIANG CHENG: One day a week? You shouldn’t be buying lunch ever! You can’t afford to eat out at all until you pay down this debt! Do you even know how much interest it’s accumulating?
WEI WUXIAN: I don’t have any interest in it, to be honest.
JIANG CHENG: No, interest like—forget it. There’s no point.
WEI WUXIAN: Everyone has to start somewhere! This is the first day of my financial literacy journey.
JIANG CHENG: It’s about to be your last day on planet Earth if I get my way.
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: At the rate you two are going, you’re going to end up on the streets, not even able to afford your house. What is the plan?
WEI WUXIAN: We could adopt an adult child who’s financially successfully to leech off of?
JIANG CHENG: You could do what? What are you saying? What financially successful adult child? Who would possibly agree to that?
WEI WUXIAN: I could sell feet pics!
LAN WANGJI: No.
WEI WUXIAN: Unimportant organs?
LAN WANGJI: No.
WEI WUXIAN: Lemonade?
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
WEI WUXIAN: Those are all my ideas.
JIANG CHENG: What good is more money going to do when it’s just going to encourage your current habits? I’d sooner recommend a lobotomy.
LAN WANGJI: No.
JIANG CHENG: Who asked you? Anyway, you need to cut up your credit cards right fucking now.
WEI WUXIAN: Can’t do that.
JIANG CHENG: Why the hell not? You can’t keep spending on them without paying them off!
WEI WUXIAN: No, it’s just that my card is customized, so I don’t want to ruin it.
JIANG CHENG: How is it customized? What do you mean?
WEI WUXIAN: It has the Illuminati symbol on it!
JIANG CHENG: Give it to me. I’m going to chop it up right now.
WEI WUXIAN: That might be hard. It’s made of 24-karat gold.
JIANG CHENG: I will personally row out to the middle of the ocean to dispose of it.
WEI WUXIAN: Hey, this channel makes you pretty good money, right?
JIANG CHENG: Why?
WEI WUXIAN: How about you lend us some?
JIANG CHENG: No! Absolutely not! For what?
WEI WUXIAN: We’re thinking of having another wedding, but we don’t have a lot of cash on hand right now.
JIANG CHENG: What do you mean another wedding? You already had a wedding. Did you get divorced and get back together?
WEI WUXIAN: No, we just thought, like, why not have another one so people have to bring us more gifts?
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: Why not? Why fucking not? Because it’s stupid! And wasteful! And you don’t have any money!
WEI WUXIAN: Right, so that’s where you come in.
JIANG CHENG: How thick is your face that you can even ask me that?
WEI WUXIAN: What’s a little borrowing between brothers?
JIANG CHENG: I’ve seen how you borrow! You never pay any of it back!
WEI WUXIAN: But I’ll write you an IOU note and everything.
JIANG CHENG: Okay, this show is over. I can’t talk to you anymore without strangling you. I don’t know how you’ve managed to get this far in life with this kind of financial attitude, but you are beyond—
NIE HUAISANG: Hey, boss! I just realized I gave you the wrong paperwork for this episode.
JIANG CHENG: What the fuck are you talking about?
NIE HUAISANG: Yeah, I don’t know, but somehow the documents got mixed up. Here are their actual bank statements.
JIANG CHENG: What do you mean? What the hell do you mean? What are these?
WEI WUXIAN: Oh, yeah, those do look like our documents!
JIANG CHENG: If these are your bank statements, what have I been looking at for the last however fucking long? Are these all fake?
NIE HUAISANG: I just received word that they’re not real, yeah.
JIANG CHENG: Word from who?
NIE HUAISANG: An anonymous source.
WEI WUXIAN: Hey, I painstakingly Photoshopped all of these. My Canva membership is real too.
JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian!
WEI WUXIAN: I don’t know whether to be pleased my document forgery skills are so convincing or offended that you actually thought we have a second house that’s just a snake habitat. Although, the more I say it aloud, the better an idea that seems.
JIANG CHENG: What is your fucking problem? How much time did you waste on this? How much time did I just waste on this? Get off my fucking set.
WEI WUXIAN: I’m helping you boost your viewership! I read your comments, and they all love it the most when you’re super angry.
JIANG CHENG: They’re all freaks, and so are you. Scram!
WEI WUXIAN: Lan Zhan, great acting today. I really believed that you supported my fake financial decisions.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
JIANG CHENG: Does he need to be reprogrammed? Why does he just have a starter pack of responses? And why are you still here? Didn’t I say scram?
WEI WUXIAN: Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Financial Advisor.
JIANG CHENG: Huaisang, if you ever suggest doing another “special episode” I’m going to hang you out the window by your ears.
NIE HUAISANG: A what?
[Comments]
mars: rage bait final boss
no1: Hello I am once again asking the production team to hook Jiang Cheng up to a blood pressure monitor during these episodes and display the results on screen so we can follow along
heartbreakavenue: Why the fuck don’t i have a beautiful husband willing to indulge my mischief and shenanigans
skin: given what other guests have admitted to on this channel, these two genuinely had me in the first half
free: aquarium walls, snake breeding pyramid scheme, tax evasion, rabbit hydrotherapy, using a payday loan for boba...this episode really had it all.
castle: Can someone explain the science behind the dopamine rush i get from watching jiang cheng crash out
talk: wei wuxian is such a specific type of extremely hot where he actually gets hotter the crazier he’s being. lan wangji, i totally get you
slidetome: So are Jiang Cheng’s brother and brother-in-law still alive after this or did he go to their house after to kill them?
hihello: nhs is the most diabolical producer of all time
golden: that acting ability tho..............u can tell he’s been dedicated to his craft (pissing off jiang cheng) for his whole life, as only a brother can be
legacy: The husband is the most stealth funny guy I’ve ever seen in my life. The way he can just say one word to make jiang cheng rise to the bait every time is crazy work
youridol: I have trouble believing there aren’t any seeds of truth in their outrageous lies and I want a tour of their house immediately
thisisfor: Came here to feel better about my shitty finances, left feeling worse about my shitty love life
bridge: weirdly a useful lesson on how having a high income doesn’t mean you’re financially well if you make wack decisions
creep: is this a finance show or a social experiment
howitsdone: they’re both so hot they’ve got me thinking their wack ideas are good ideas. maybe i should start breeding snakes
peachgelato: I want to see their real credit card statements so bad
roar: the way Nie Huaisang is literally Jiang Cheng’s biggest opp
options: Everything about this is amazing. Wei Wuxian really took us all on a journey.
whatitsoundslike: Tell me why i was sweating thinking about their financial situation until i realized it was all fake. Like please you guys are too hot to live like this!!
sagittarius: I’m an empath and I could sense that Jiang Cheng was a little angry this episode?
letlovego: 5 seconds in, part of me was hoping this episode would end in divorce so I could slide into Lan Wangji’s DMs ngl
sodapop: Vividly picturing jiang cheng going through the comment section later and deleting every positive comment about his brother in a rage LMAO
tobeyourlight: Gorgeous rich people have problems too! Like, having so much free time that they have nothing to do but painstakingly forge documents for a prank.
takedown: what the hell did i just watch and how do i get 50 more hours of it
seesaw: wei wuxian ur so funny pls don’t go bald (jiang cheng ur so cool pls don’t go rip ur brother’s hair out)
lemondrop: I feel like I just watched Jiang Cheng age 50 years in real time. Can we crowd-source a yoga session for him or something?
masterpiece: i don’t know what’s funnier: wei wuxian saying all those absurd things or jiang cheng genuinely believing they could be true