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Shen yuan smiled
"Don't worry , what's the worse that could possibly happen ? " he carresed his cheeks , love in his gaze , his hands had a slight trembling , he was nervous
"Shen shidi" mu qingfan called from outside the room , and shen yuan quickly retracted his hands
"I am coming"
Mu qingfan gave a questioning glance at shen jiu , but he had a patient that was way more important than why his shen shixiong was here
Shen jiu observed them as they quit the room , as the door closed before his legs gave out and he sunk into the bed
Shen jiu feels guilt
He knows how much this means to shen yuan , for someone who lost his eyesight as a child , having it back must feel like a dream , and he said as much after liu qingge came with an apparent cure
And yet shen jiu is scared , what if shen yuan regains his eyesight and dislike the way shen jiu looks ? What if he sees how trully rotten shen jiu is ?
What if he saw how others looked at him ? The contempt and hatred in their eyes ? The pity they give shen yuan , because they can't understand why he would choose to hang out with shen jiu
'They don't know anything' shen jiu would think every time
They don't know the way shen yuan would kiss shen jiu's cheeks , how tenderly he pressed his lips into shen jiu's
They don't know that shen yuan would sleep next to him every night , hug his back tight, his chin on shen jiu's shoulders , muttering sweet nothings until sleep take him , while shen jiu will stay awake a little bit longer , he would tell himself he was indulging shen yuan , all while basking in his lover's arms , a feeling of true salavation
Lovers , yes
Shen jiu sighed
Shen yuan was his lover , so he should be happy , and he is , a huge part of him is , he is ecstatic that shen yuan would finally be able to see the world, to see him
And for that same reason he is afraid
Knock knock
Shen jiu sat straighter
"Come in"
A disciple open the door , looking awkward
"Shizun told me to inform peak lord shen that he should return to qingjing , since the operation will take a lot of time"
Damn that man , he sent a disciple so that shen jiu wouldn't be able to complain
"This master understands"
.
.
.
Being in his bamboo house without shen yuan feels wrong and empty , working on his paperwork doesn't help at all , not when he came to expect a certain someone to bother him every quarter of a shishen
He tried to paint , using cold colors that wouldn't tire his a-yuan's eyesight when he looks at it , but he found himself unable to focus , not without the guqin shen yuan usually plays in the background
The silence didn't help with his worries , it made them worse
Shen jiu found himself walking in circles as meditation didn't work either , of course it wouldn't-! It was shen yuan that helped him-
...
More time passes, more shen jiu realize in how many ways he depends on shen yuan
It should scare him
And it does
His earlier worries come back in force , what if shen yuan doesn't like me ? What if he decides to leave me ?
He pause his steps
Oh I will just kill myself
That seemed like a good plan until he realized shen yuan would hear of it and maybe (hopefully) feel guilty , and shen jiu can't have that
He didn't have the chance to think more , someone knocked on the door
"Shizun ! Shen laoshi is here !"
Shen jiu gaped for a second , before yelling out "let him in"
The door opened, revealing shen yuan with a white cloth over his eyes , smiling -wide- in a way you just know he was fighting off a grin
"A-jiu , I am back"
Shen yuan walked inside , and ming fan closed the door , not entering
Shen jiu imidiatly came to his side , cupping his face in his hands
"Why are you covering your eyes ? Are you hurt ? Did it not work ? Are you okay ?"
"Woah there calm down" shen yuan giggled , pure joy in his voice "it did ! I just wanted the first thing I see to be you , so I didn't take it off yet"
"Huh" replied shen jiu , intelligently "why ?"
"WHY ?!?!?!"
shen yuan pulled shen jiu's collar , shook him twice before pulling him over
"You are asking me why ??? A-jiu did we NOT court eachother for years now ?! Was I reading it all wrong ? Surely it wasn't platonic when you said 'my feelings for you , are ones I will never give anyone else'- Humffp"
Shen jiu stopped shen yuan from saying anything more , his cheeks warm
"I get it I get it"
Shen yuan bit his hand
"You didn't let me finish , confess to me again later , I want to see you say it"
"You want my death"
"Never " shen yuan sighed , falling into shen jiu's arms and enveloping the younger man into a hug "unless it's with me , I won't allow it" he mumbled
Shen jiu held in a breath , the only thing he feels like he can do is nod
Shen yuan's bandage fell from a simple manipulation of qi , his face on shen jiu's neck , taking in his scent and using his body to block the light
His eyes fluttered open and closed repeatedly , tearing up , the circles shen jiu drew on his back warmed him as he stayed in that position for a little longer
When he was half sure he got used to the light , to being able to see , he slowly separated himself from shen jiu , raising his head to look at him
His lips parted but words got stuck in his throat, he imidiatly started feeling his lover's face with his hands , remembering the hundreds of times he did it , remembering the first time he was allowed to do it , back when they were disciples
His eyes were wide in wonder , a look of awe in his face
'So this is how you looked like ..?' He thought
"Beautiful" shen yuan said , his eyes filling with tears , this time not from pain , but happiness "you are more beautiful than I could ever imagine" he repeated
Shen jiu's eyes were shining with unshed tears
In one moment, they hugged each other again , tighter , then shen jiu passed his hands through shen yuan's hair , and shen yuan cupped his cheeks , grinning like a fool
They kissed eachother , once , twice , until they fell into the bed , giggling, crying , sharing more kisses and happy
They were happy
"I love you" shen jiu said , brushing shen yuan's hair away of his face "these feelings , only you would ever have them, nobody else"
The first time shen jiu had said a similar confession , they were disciples on a rainy day , shen yuan playing the guqin , they were sitting close , a grin on shen yuan's face
Shen yuan had been happy , that shen jiu came to him again , after he confessed the day before , he had been anxious that shen jiu would hate him
The roof of shizun's house protected them of the pouring rain, it was loud , but shen yuan heard shen jiu loud and clear
He turned to 'look' at him
Shen jiu didn't move an inch , so shen yuan scooted closer
"Does that mean I am allowed to court a-jiu"
"Mhm"
Shen yuan rested his head on shen jiu's shoulders, the head disciple's face was warm , and the spot where shen yuan's hot breath landed tickled him
"Am I allowed to kiss a-jiu"
Back then , the answer he received was no
Today, while holding each others hands , they kissed once again , to seal this memorable night