Chapter Text
“Danna, what are you doing?” Sougo asked, peering over Gintoki's shoulder. He was wearing a pink frilly apron and holding a wooden spatula in his hand.
“Cooking. duh.”
“Are you stealing our food again?”
“What are you talking about, Okita-kun? I would never do such a thing. The person who stole your strawberry daifuku was my robot alter ego, Kintoki. If you ever see him running around, feel free to arrest that piece of shit.” He said while stirring the pot of okayu.
“Will do,” He sat down on the countertop as he watched the man cook. “Wow, Danna. Color me impressed. You're cooking all of this for Hijikata-san and Juu-san? I didn't know you were the housewife in the relationship.”
“Eh, it's not that bad. That bastard’s the one who lucked out in the salary lottery. All I need to do is cook and clean while he works his ass off, so it's a win-win.” He shrugged, not bothered by how freely Sougo was talking about their relationship, unlike how Hijikata reacted. “And it’s Ichiban, not Juu-san.”
“No, it's Juu-san,” He cocked his head to the side in mock innocence and smiled dangerously. “I think I should be allowed to name him since I get to have custody over Juu-san when Hijikata-san dies.”
“Like hell you do. It takes two to make a baby, Sofa-kun. I, the other parent, will be taking care of Juu-san if, God forbid, Hijikata-kun dies from lung cancer.”
“We can talk about it again in the near future. Also, don't add mayonnaise into his food, it makes him hurl,” Gintoki raised an eyebrow at him. Hijikata doesn't eat mayonnaise anymore? Him? The Prince of Mayonnaise Planet? How ironic was that! Sougo was being quite considerate today. Maybe he did care about the other man in some twisted way underneath all those layers. “It's disgusting to hear him running to the bathroom in the morning. I wasn't joking when I said that the walls were thin.”
And there goes that thought.
“I have to say that you’re taking this way better than I thought you would.”
“Hm? It’s not like it’s a big deal.”
It’s a HUGE deal.
He carefully flipped the salmon, watching it sizzle in the oil. Yes, he was shocked at first when he heard the news — who wouldn't be? — but he was actually taking it in pretty well if he says so himself. It wasn't the first time he'd heard the words ‘I'm pregnant’ directed towards him before. In fact, if he had a penny every time someone announced that they were pregnant with his child, he would have two cents. He had a pregnancy scare with his delusional ninja stalker way back in the first season, except the difference between Sarutobi and Hijikata's announcement was that one of them was actually for real.
How funny was it that he wasn't able to tell Hijikata that he loved him before he knocked him up? If it was someone else in his shoes, e.g. Takasugi, he would fall onto the ground and point at him hysterically while trembling with laughter, but of course, it had to be Gintoki cooking for the man he secretly loves but is too much of a wuss to confess.
Oh, and let's not forget about the whole kidnapping.
He was angry at Hijikata. That workaholic didn't even bother to tell him about the kidnapping during these past six weeks. Shouldn't he be notified about this immediately as his friend with benefits/fuck-buddy? Damnit! He knew something was off with him! What the actual fuck was this amanto scientist up to?
Both of them knew that Hijikata's loyalty and devotion towards his work would become a problem from the start but they never had a serious conversation about it. Gintoki could tell that Hijikata had a huge communication issue. He was a man who would go to extreme measures just to protect the people he cares about, even if he had to push them away to do so. He's seen it happen first hand with Mitsuba and the Shinsengumi.
Well, he sure as hell wasn't going to let it happen to him too. He was going to be the best fucking boyfriend and father there ever was. Yes, he'll confess one day but there are more important matters at hand.
Currently, Hijikata looked simply exhausted. He noticed that the other man kept rubbing at his eyes while they were talking and he looked even worse after throwing up. He barely stopped himself from commenting on how loose his clothes were after seeing them hang off his shoulder. Just how much weight did he lose?
“He really doesn't eat mayonnaise anymore?” He asked, still taken aback at Sougo's comment from earlier.
Sougo nodded and said, “Yeah. All of his mayonnaise bottles expired and he cried when I threw them in the trash, but what can he do? He runs to the bathroom whenever he smells it.”
“Man… He's throwing up that much?”
“Yup. Every morning. He's getting better at keeping food down but he still can't eat anything with mayonnaise, crab, or strong smelling meats.” Kondo walked into the kitchen. He threw him a welcoming grin. “Yorozuya. You talked to Toshi, I presume.”
“Yo, Gorilla.”
He sits down on one of the chairs in front of the countertops. “I appreciate the amount of effort you’re putting into this. I’ve been really anxious lately with how little he’s been eating but it looks like I won’t have to worry about that anymore because you’ll be taking care of Toshi and your kid, right?” Suddenly, a dark and almost menacing cloud covered his face. Gintoki stared at him in caution. Was it just him or was it a little chilly? And was the Gorilla’s smile a tad bit strained? Aren’t the corners of his mouth twitching?! Being around Otae all the time was seriously starting to rub off on him!
He turned to glance at Sougo for protection but the First Division Captain also had a ring of terror behind his back. He raised a kunai not-so-subtly (when the hell did he get that from?!) with obvious meaning to it.
“O-of course! I’ve decided from now on I’ll be cooking all of his meals for him! I’ll even force feed him if need be!” He answered quickly. Was this their sick way of showing their protectiveness?! Was this how all of Hijikata-kun’s exes felt when they were being confronted by these demons?!
“Good.” Kondo said. To Gintoki's relief, the weird ambience disappeared along with Sougo's kunai. A concerned expression took over his hairy face again. “Is Toshi still working on those papers? It's been two hours.”
“Nah, he fell asleep after throwing up again.”
“Ah, of course.” Kondo sighed heavily. “Well, at least he's finally sleeping. I want to take him off of paperwork too but the higher-ups are already suspicious and Toshi himself refuses to take an early maternity leave.”
“That idiot doesn't even notice how much stress he's giving Sadistic Hitman 13. Typical Hiji-baka. Only thinking about himself.” Sougo chided.
“Gin-san!” The mess hall’s massive doors burst open as Kagura and Shinpachi raced into the room. They looked like they just ran from their house to the barracks, judging by the amount of sweat that dripped off of their bodies. Recently, the temperature in Edo had skyrocketed. As his beloved Ketsuno Ana has described it: It was the ass-burning, hair-frizzing, face-reddening type of day, so she kindly advised bringing a sun protecting umbrella outside. Needless to say, these brats have foolishly ignored her warning.
He wondered if Hijikata was feeling hot under the thin blanket he covered over him.
“Huh? Are you seeing what I’m seeing, Kondo-san? It looks like a wild pig is running towards our direction-”
Kagura jumped on top of Sougo’s head and leaped off, causing the other boy to fall backwards. The two teenagers halted in front of Gintoki, huffing and puffing.
“We came as soon as you texted! What’s the matter?! Is the Shinsengumi under attack?!” Shinpachi asked frantically before stopping when he saw the sight in front of him. “Why are you-”
“Did Toshi lose all of his money? Are we going to have to eat Sadaharu’s dog food for dinner again? Don’t tell me he won’t be able to buy me food anymore!” Kagura shook his collar aggressively. “Is this why you’re cooking for them? Because we’re in debt now?”
“Get off of me, brat!”
“This is all your fault, shitty old man! You and your disgusting parfaits took up all of the space in Toshi’s wallet!”
“You’re acting as if you haven’t forced him to pay for your Sukonbu a million times! If anyone's milking the crap out of his wallet, it's you!”
“Gin-san, what’s actually the problem here? You don’t usually text us… Or cook.” Shinpachi asked, eyeing the fresh food and his silly apron.
Gintoki shook Kagura off of him and turned to look them in the eyes. “Right. You two might want to sit down for this. It’s… pretty serious.”
Shinpachi and Kagura exchanged confused glances before sitting down next to the Shinsengumi officers. Gintoki’s lips pressed together and his normal dead eyes had a sharp glint to them which made the kids tense up.
“Gin-san is a dad now.”
Shinpachi’s mouth dropped.
“Gin-chan knocked someone up?” Kagura wondered out loud. Gintoki nodded solemnly.
“What?!” Shinpachi sputtered. “You're kidding, right?”
“He isn't.” Sougo popped his bubble gum.
“Huh?!”
Gintoki placed his salmon onto a plate before saying, “Oi, don't get too surprised. We've dealt with a baby arc once and you seemed to take it well.”
“Yeah, but this time it's real! How could you be so careless, Gin-san?”
“Alright, Patsuan, if you must know, we were in the heat of the moment and-”
“Ack! Stop it, right there! I don't need to hear about that.”
He snickered. “Cherry boy.”
“Don't call me that either!” He shouted. Then he realized a very important question he forgot to ask. “Wait, who's the mother?”
Not even a second later, they hear loud footsteps making their way towards the group, causing a shadow to fall onto the floor. All heads snap in its direction to see who the newcomer was. Gintoki smirked.
“Does this answer your question, Patsuan?”
It was silent for a moment while the rest watched as the gears in Shinpachi's head began to turn rapidly. He opened his mouth. Then he closed it again.
Hijikata frowned at them. “Why the hell are you guys looking at me like that?”
“So yeah. That's basically it.” Gintoki finished. He was sitting next to Hijikata. Closer than usual, he had noticed. He yawned quietly, absently leaning towards the other man. The kids and even Kondo-san weren't surprised seeing them together, which got him questioning the amount of effort they put into being discreet. He made Gintoki explain the situation because A, he doesn't want to talk about how he got pregnant ever again, and B, he was hungry as fuck. Gintoki grabbed a piece of spinach with his chopsticks and brought it to Hijikata's lips.
He used his own chopsticks to snatch it out of his hold.
“I can do it myself.”
“You're too slow with it. I can practically hear Ichiban crying out for help as he curls up in your empty stomach.”
“Your kid's the one who keeps sending food back up my throat. Blame him for making me hungry.” He grumbled and continued to eat. As much as he hated being wrong, he had to admit Gintoki's cooking was delicious.
He was conscious of the curious eyes that followed their every move but honestly he couldn't bring himself to care. He was just too tired to do something about it. Besides, the cat was out of the bag. Seeing how his men were looking down whenever they passed him in the halls and how Yamazaki pathetically stammered out ‘Danna's in the kitchen, Fukuchou’ before sprinting away, it was obvious that Sougo must have spread the news around after getting confirmation. Damn him.
“I- I see.” Shinpachi finally said. He had calmed down pretty quickly after the initial shock. “I'm very happy for you, Hijikata-san and Gin-san. We'll help you of course. If you need anything, feel free to call us, Hijikata-san!”
“Thank you.” Hijikata nodded.
Kagura, who was sitting beside Gintoki, finally spoke up after a long time. “Gin-chan?” She asked in an oddly meek voice. “Are you going to throw me out?”
Hijikata lowered his spoon of rice porridge, taken aback at the unexpected question. The others also stopped what they were doing to stare at them curiously.
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“To make room for the baby? We don't have any space for all of us with those massive piles of jump issues that you're too old for!” She turned her head to the side and flicked a tear out of her eye dramatically. “I guess there's nothing else I can do. I'll take one for the team and live with Anue forever, but you're going to have to pay me so I can buy my own food.”
“No one is too old for jump!”
“That’s what you're concerned about?!” Hijikata exclaimed before sighing heavily. “China, you don't need to move out. The kid's not going to live there anyway.”
“What?!” Gintoki whipped his head towards Hijikata's direction, apparently unaware of that fact. “You're not actually planning to raise Ichiban here, are you?”
“No, of course not. I'm going to buy an apartment soon.”
“That’s even worse! Why would you waste your money on an old, musty apartment when you can move in with Gin-san?”
“I'd rather take my chances with the apartment.”
Kondo raised his arms anxiously at the sight of the two grown men engaging in an intense staring/glaring contest. “Guys, guys, let’s settle down. Toshi, the doctor said you’re going to need someone to watch over you when you head into your second trimester, remember? I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone in that apartment. I think you should consider moving into Yorozuya's place for the time being.”
“Yeah! And circling back to what you said before, how is it any bit fair that you get to keep Ichiban? You sounded like you were going to raise him by yourself!”
His blue eyes flashed. “This is about the kid? You can't seriously be jealous! How childish can you be?”
Shinpachi and Kondo threw them worried glances from the side. Kagura and Sougo watched in mild interest like they were watching a rerun of Ladies 4.
Gintoki bit back a sharp retort and instead, took the higher road. “I'm not fucking jealous, you dumbass! This isn't all about Ichiban- it's about you too! You think I feel okay knowing that there's a higher chance you'll get hurt now that you're pregnant? What if you get attacked in your apartment?”
“I’m not weak-”
“And no one is saying that you are, Toshi.” Kondo cut in. “But you have a lot of enemies out there. If word gets out that you’re pregnant, there's no telling what they might do to you. I trust the Yorozuya to protect you when we can't.”
“That's right. Please move in with us, Hijikata-san. We need a functioning and stable grown up in the house.”
“Oi, I'm right here.”
“Of course we'll protect the Mayora!” Kagura slammed her third plate of food onto the table and Hijikata couldn't help but feel weirdly warm about their enthusiasm. Shit. He really did have it bad for these kids. “I'll guard him with my life as long as I get paid for it!”
Well, like father, like daughter. He frowned in disapprovement.
“Yes, Hijikata-san. The sooner you get out of here, the sooner I’ll be known as the new and improved Shinsengumi Vice Commander. I'll get Jimmy-kun to start packing your bags.”
“The fuck you mean ‘new and improved’?!”
“See? Everyone agrees with me. What's stopping you?” Gintoki stubbornly asked, resting his head on his left hand.
He pressed his lips together. “What about the Shinsengumi? I don't trust these two to run the Shinsengumi on their own. They’ll lose their edge.” He jabbed a thumb towards Kondo and Sougo.
“Hey!”
“They'll be fine,” Gintoki waved a hand around dismissively. “They're grown men, are they not? Besides, it's not like we're locking you up. You can go whip your precious government dogs back into shape whenever you want. Yeah, you're going to have to be accompanied wherever you go, but the deal isn't that bad, right? You’ll be protected by yours truly. Plus, actual good food will be served at Yorozuya.”
He had a point. He glanced at Gintoki, who shrugged and gave him a fond look that told him all he needed to know.
“Fine. I'll move in with you, perm-head, but just know I'll be setting some ground rules.” He scowled, stuffing his face with food again. Gintoki just grinned and threw an arm around his shoulders.
“We can discuss that when we get home, babe.”
A loud ‘thud’ with a chorus of laughter following after could be heard all the way to the lawn outside.
It was around five P.M. when Hijikata was dropped off at the Yorozuya with his stuff. Gintoki helped him get settled in quickly by moving his boxes into his bedroom before calling it quits. He decided to start cooking seeing that it was only fair for him to prepare dinner when Gintoki made lunch. He rummaged through the comically empty fridge and managed to find enough ingredients for omurice. Dinner was loud. Chopsticks flew in the air, insults were spat out along with clumps of half-eaten rice, and punches were thrown. However, Hijikata thought behind his bowl, it felt right. It felt right to see them fighting like usual. He would almost feel out of place, if it weren’t for Gintoki’s antics riling him up.
After dinner, they went to the living room. The trio were sitting down on the couch with their hands on their thighs and posture straighter than a ruler. On the opposite couch sat Hijikata, who was holding multiple sheets of paper in his hand and a matcha pocky in his mouth. He wasn’t joking when he said he was going to set some ground rules. There wasn’t going to be any more empty wallets and dirty laundry laying around with him in this house, that’s for sure.
“This is the cleaning rotation: I'll clean on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Glasses will clean on Tuesdays and China will clean Thursdays. Yorozuya will clean on the weekend. Glasses can’t do all the cleaning by himself. Now, for finances-”
“Wait, wait!” Gintoki raised his hand like a secondary school student. “I have two complaints. Why am I called Yorozuya? Technically, we're all ‘Yorozuya’ here. Call me by a cuter nickname or better yet, call me by my actual name. And how come the kids only have to do one day of cleaning while I have to do two? Oh and side question, why are you cleaning three times a week? I don't think you should be doing that.”
“What, cleaning?” Hijikata scoffed. “I won't die by moving around more. If I'm going to stay here all day, I want to do something productive. And about your first complaint, would you rather be referred to as perm-head? Because I can always call you that.”
Gintoki huffed in annoyance. “Whatever. Stick to Yorozuya. See if I care.” He pouted. “Answer the second question please.”
“You're a grown man who doesn't give paychecks to his teenage coworkers. You shouldn't be whining about having to clean one more day than them.”
“Hmph. ‘S not fair.” He grumbled.
“Alright, moving on. Okay, what you want to do is use 50% of your after-tax income for your needs. That includes utility bills, insurance, groceries, and the rent, which I know you won't pay for.”
“Aw babe, you know me so well.”
“Do you want me to punch you again?” He deadpanned, tilting his paper down to throw him a judgemental glare. The kids scooch away from him as well with a dead look on their face.
Gintoki threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Why are you guys acting like I said something dirty?! Is it a crime for a man to call his boyfriend by an endearing nickname?! Hah?! Answer me, Mr. Policeman!”
“Shut up!” He shouted over him. A vein pulsed irritably on his flushed face. Boyfriend? “I'm trying to sort out your sad financial situation!”
“It's a lost cause, Toshi.” Said Kagura as she picked her nose with her pinky finger. She took it out, examined it, then blew at it. “He's just going to spend it all on parfaits and pachinko. I had to go downstairs for dinner last night.”
Hijikata's gaze hardens as he diverts his attention back to Gintoki, who immediately straightens up. “Listen to me, Sakata Gintoki. I'm fine with you gambling from time to time, but if you want to be part of your kid's life, I suggest you pull back from it before I kill you. You will use your money the way I tell you to. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, sir.” Was his meek reply. The kids shiver, getting flashbacks to the time Hijikata was their leader for a day.
“Good. As I was saying, 50% goes to your needs, 30% goes to your wants, and then 20% should go into your savings; hence, the 50-30-20 rule.” He gestured with his hand to his paper. “Be careful with how much money you're spending on your wants. Cut back on sweets.”
“Whoa there. Let's take it down a notch. The doctor told me I needed to increase my sugar level or I'll get diabetes.”
“Idiot, he meant decrease, not increase! Didn’t you get a cavity last week? The amount of money you spend on both your god awful desserts and dentist fees is enough to pay rent for three months!”
“You want me to die, don't you?! This is why you're ruining my life with all these annoying rules and shit! I could tolerate all that, but I draw the line when it comes to my sugar intake!”
“You're atrocious sugar intake is the reason why-”
He was cut off by a loud, persistent knocking on the door. He faltered, turning his head to glance at the hallway leading to the entrance. “Oi Gintoki! Open up! I know you're in there!”
Hijikata recognized the voice. It was the old woman who ran the bar underneath the upper level. He visited Otose's Snack House multiple times and he's always respected her for dealing with Gintoki on a daily basis.
“Everyone shut up!” Gintoki whisper-yelled before sinking to the ground and hugging his knees into his chest. The kids huddled up closer to him immediately. Hijikata frowned. What was their problem?
“Gintoki! You owe me three months of rent money!”
“It's no use, Otose-sama. These low-lives won't open the door.”
He met Gintoki's sheepish eyes and sighed. Taking another matcha pocky, Hijikata stood up, ignoring the panicked ‘what the fuck are you doing’ that followed not too shortly.
He twisted the pocky in his mouth in annoyance. That damn procrastinator. He was a lazy excuse of a role model to those kids. How was he supposed to trust him with their own kid if he's not willing to fix these issues?
It was plain ironic for a man of the law to be with the worst criminal to ever exist. But what could he do? His plan to avoid the Yorozuya forever turned out to be ineffective at the start, considering how he’s literally living with him now. He couldn't make sense of what their relationship was anymore. It no longer revolved around sex, which was the only thing keeping it together in the first place, but there was a baby chain connecting them together. He didn't fully understand why Gintoki wanted him to live together when he wasn't able to have sex anymore. Did he want full custody of the baby? He knew that Gintoki had more experience dealing with children than he did. Maybe he wanted to make sure that Hijikata wasn't going to fuck things up like he normally did. Great. All this stress was giving him a migraine again.
He opened the door to see a black sandle hurling towards his stomach. Hijikata could literally hear his fucking heart jump out of his rib cage and plop onto the floor before years of instinct took over. He dropped into a low crouch, narrowly avoiding the kick that would have sent him flying across the hallway. His matcha pocky broke into two when he clenched his teeth.
“Eh? What's the Demonic Vice Commander doing here?” He heard Otose ask from above, but he couldn't bring himself to look up. His stomach churned uncomfortably as he slowly processed what just happened. In the back of his mind, he recognizes that something was dripping down his neck. Sweat, maybe?
“What the hell!” Gintoki growled, popping out of the corner to pull him up. He grabbed him by his bicep. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” He said breathlessly after a moment. He stumbled to his feet; his heart still pounding in his chest. His fingers trembled against Gintoki's steady forearm. “Shit. Yes, I'm okay. Let go already.”
“Hmph. Should've opened the door the first time.” The weird cat lady sniffed at him.
“You…” Gintoki began to say to him. His brows were furrowed and his jaw was tightly closed. He was definitely angry. He dropped his hand. Then, he exhaled loudly through his nose and turned back at the two women standing near the doorway.
“Oi, what's going on here?” Otose questions. She took her cigarette out of her mouth, causing Hijikata to feel a sudden pang of jealousy and longing.
“We can talk about it downstairs.” He answered absently while giving him another look over. “Just give me five minutes, will you? Okay! Thank you!” He chirped, yet he lacked the enthusiastic tone.
He slammed the door and whirled around on his heel. His face had done a 360, going from dead to absolutely pissed the fuck off. “You seriously could've gotten hurt that time.”
“Gin-san? What's going on?” Shinpachi and Kagura walked into the hallway, concerned about the heavy atmosphere.
“It's nothing.” Hijikata shook his head.
“You almost got kicked in the stomach! How is that nothing?”
“Yeah, almost.” He glared at him. This wasn't going to turn into one of their usual fights. He was in no mood for that. “You two. Go downstairs.” He says to the kids. They shouldn't be hearing this. Shinpachi seemed to understand the situation and he dragged Kagura past the two of them. He noticed the Yato girl gave him an anxious look as she walked by and he's sorry that she had to see this. As soon as the door slams shut, Gintoki inhales sharply and his anger returns tenfold.
“Are you crazy? What do you think would've happened if you didn't duck?! I’ll tell you what. Ichiban wouldn’t be in this world anymore!”
“Yet, I’m still alive, aren't I?” He deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest. “If I tried to imagine the ‘what if's’ in every single choice I make, I'd be long gone. Your baby's safe and that's all that matters.”
“That's not what I'm fucking worried about! You have to be careful now that you're pregnant!”
“Why the hell are you so worked up about this?! I avoided it, didn’t I? Everything’s okay!” He demanded, his voice gradually rising to match Gintoki's volume.
“I meant to say this earlier, but you’re way too relaxed for someone who has like ten thousand enemies after his neck! And it’s not just that. Do you know how pissed off I get whenever something serious happens to you and what, you brush it aside and pretend that it’s not big of a deal? Like you didn’t get kidnapped by an amanto scientist and then end up getting pregnant the day after? Like you aren’t affected by almost getting kicked in the stomach? ‘Cause I know what I saw. You were shaking like crazy.“
Hijikata knew he was right. He could understand his complaint, but he really didn’t want to. His eyes grew cold. “Well, then. I’m fucking sorry for pissing you off, Yorozuya.”
He sees Gintoki’s face crumple up into a conflicted expression. He tried again in a softer tone. “Hijikata–”
“No.” He stopped him. A wave of exhaustion washed over his tense body. “No, Yorozuya. I can’t do this right now. Go tell your kids and landlady what happened. I’m going to sleep.”
He turned around and walked away. After a few seconds of feeling Gintoki’s piercing stare on his back, he hears the door creak open and close. Once the coast was clear, he ran to the bathroom. He gasped before throwing up ugly pieces of omurice into the toilet. When was this going to end anytime soon? He wanted to die. Seriously. Now Gintoki was angry with him and he’s not even sure if this was a good idea to move in with him. He slowly got up, his knees pathetically trembling as he did so. He sways over to the sink, running through his post throw up routine that took an excruciating amount of time. When he managed to make his way to bedroom, he fell on top of the first futon he sees, not caring if it was his or Gintoki because he was just so fucking tired. A lot of shit happened today. That’s a lot of shit he could deal with the next day.
So he stops thinking. Taking in the faint music coming from the bar downstairs, he drifts into an uneasy state of unconsciousness.