Chapter Text
Shiv leaves Kendall there with a stranger, having been completely useless the whole way through, having only distressed her brother more.
"Hey, Shiv... what's— what's going on, why was he—" Roman's voice cuts off as he looks back at Kendall behind the glass wall, seeing McDermott trying to tell him something as he kept shaking like an abused dog.
"He's... I just..." Roman's presence seems to shock Shiv out of the weird trance that was the conversation with Kendall, and she sighs heavily, letting her head drop, "He was saying— some stupid shit about wanting to die and—" she felt her throat close up, "It was bad, Rome, it was really bad, okay?"
"Stupid shit about dying... how? Like did he say he wants to do it again or—"
"He said we had to leave him there, back at the apartment... and— Jesus fucking Christ, Rome, we... I fucked up," a lone tear made it down her cheek, "He though I was there to— to fucking gloat at him, have my ha-ha, hee-hee moment now that i've won the war or something, how much of an absolute waste of a sibling must one be to give off that impression?"
Roman stares at her, hands going up instinctively to hug her, but then thinking better of it and setting them down.
Shiv's mind snaps right back to that moment in Waystar.
'C'mere, give me a hug'
"Just— just fucking hug me, Rome, it's okay. We— we both need it."
Roman's eyes widen for a fraction of a second before darting all over the room in a frenzy, afraid that someone may see him showing affection, God forbid, but then his shoulders sag and he...complies, hands going up and bringing Shiv in for an embrace.
It's nice. It's the kind of gentle hug that is tight enough to show the richness of their bond, but also light enough to not suffocate the other. It tells everything that needs to be told; love, adoration, the tenderness between them that they could never formulate with words, because the love they felt and the experiences they shared can never be explained to another person.
"You are hug-tastic, you know?" Roman says gently to Shiv, who laughs wetly through her own tears.
They both know what exactly the hug lacks.
"You are hug-tastic too, fucking softie."
It lacks Kendall.
"Hugging without me, are we?"
Connor!
The hug breaks off in a flash, as if they were doing something extremely inappropriate and got caught out by their elder brother.
"Con!" Roman walks up to him and, to the surprise of everyone, including Roman, hugs him too.
"Whoa, buddy, hey—" this is a first, but even then, Connor puts his hands around Roman as if they always belonged there, "Hey, Rome, I missed you too."
What nobody else expected, though, was for Shiv to also come forward and throw herself into the pile.
"What—"
"Just fucking shut up, both of you, I'm a girl, I'm allowed to hug my brothers," you don't have to afraid of looking less masculine if it's me forcing you both into the hug.
"Well, if the little sister commands..." Connor smiles sadly.
Shiv has been hugged a lot of times in her life by a bunch of people, but not like this, never like this. The hugs her siblings give are warm and feel... right. Everything about the hugs with them feel right; the shapes of their bodies that melt into hers like puzzle pieces, their smell that was so uniquely them, the experiences they've gone through no one else in the world can hope to understand. In their embrace the world stopped on its axis. She could let her body finally relax, and allow herself to be cradled and cherished. There was no time, no responsibilities, no pain and disappointment. It was only Shiv, her brothers, and their fucked up love, that can be so soft and warm when unpoisoned by the horrors of the corporate world.
"Hey—" their hug is interrupted by a new voice from the door, and the siblings whip around to look at who it is.
Rava.
"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"
Shiv wipes out her tears with her sleeve, and motions for her to come in, "Uh— nope, nothing."
Rava isn't in a better state than her, it seems, judging by her red eyes.
Stupid Kendall. Stupid-stupid... making them all cry and become emotional like this. Who does he think he is to evoke so many unwanted emotions from them?
"Not that I'm not glad to see you guys, but I'm really fucking worried here, is he— uh, okay?"
For a second Shiv is mad at Connor for bringing them all down to the bitter and scorched Earth they were standing on, but she also understands. Her and Rome were here, they knew Kendall was... okayish. Others didn't.
"He's okay... physically at least," she motioned with her head to the glass panel, "he woke up a few minutes ago, the doctor's with him. We will probably be allowed in after that."
"He's—" Connor looks inside the ward to confirm Shiv's words, same as Rava, but the state that Kendall's in does nothing to reassure them, in fact, the opposite happens, "Well, did you get to speak with him? Has he said anything?"
"Uh—" Shiv's lip wobbles, "Yeah, I went in before the doctor came along. He's... not in a good headspace, to put it mildly."
"Not in a good headspace?" asks Rava, looking Shiv in the face, "What does that mean, exactly?"
"He tried to off himself, what do you fucking think it means?"
"Rome!" Chides Connor, looking at him like he so often did when they were kids. Roman hated Connor's disappointed gaze, it reminded him too much of dad.
"Oh fuck off, Connor! She shouldn't be asking stupid questions if she doesn't want to get insulted."
"This bullshit is why he couldn't confide in all of you in the first place," angrily butts in Rava, "Because if he did this is the reception he'd get."
"Who divorced him in his time of need, remind me please?"
"Rome!" it was Shiv this time, furrowing her eyebrows at Roman.
"Let's just... stop the blame game for a minute, okay? Kendall doesn't need it and he doesn't deserve it, just this once, please, be united."
Roman looks at Connor like he's eaten something sour, but he groans and relents, "Okay, yeah, sure, fuck it— truce?"
Rava, the beautiful angel that she is, smiles and raises up her arm, "Truce."
Roman accepts her offer of a handshake like a child that's being forced to take out the trash.
"Now that we've all gathered, I'd like to discuss something with all of you," starts Shiv, nervously picking at her lip with her teeth, "Dr McDermott, the one in the room right now, said that Kendall might need inpatient mental care, and for that to happen she needs an application written by someone close to him."
"So... what? Send him to the happy farm? Is that what she suggests?"
"Yeah, Rome, that's what she suggests, and given what Kendall said... do you think it's a bad idea? For his own safety?"
"What did Kendall say?" Inquires Connor.
"It's... uh..." Shiv swallows thickly, even thinking about Kendall in that state made her want to puke, "He may have... said that— that we should've left him there... to... y'know..." she averts her eyes from all of them.
"To..." repeats Rava, her face turning an alarming shade of green.
"Yes."
"Oh God..." Rava puts a hand on her mouth, "I had this... stupid hope that this might've been a mistake of some kind, that he didn't really mean to— to injure himself that deep, but..."
Connor puts a hand on her shoulder, "Me too, I won't lie... I guess we both just didn't want to believe that he would... do that."
"Yeah..." Rava wipes her nose.
"So what should we do?" asks Roman, trying to bring the conversation back on track.
"Kendall seems to be vehemently against the idea of being sent to a mental institution, he thinks we're gonna lock him up there to get rid of him."
"That's... very logical, considering what happened to Con's mom, no offense, Connor," Roman whips to face Connor and waves his hands in a surrendering gesture.
"None taken, I'd be afraid too, given the circumstances."
"But he needs it, right, if he's a danger to himself?" asks Rava, "Shouldn't he be somewhere safe, where he can't harm himself?"
"Ideally, yeah, it's just— I don't want to betray his trust like that... not now when he's vulnerable like this."
"It's not betraying his trust, Shiv," adds Roman quietly, "It really isn't."
"It feels like it, though..."
"I can do it," suggests Connor, "I can write the application, that way he'll know we're not doing this to— to lock him up or something, he knows I'd never do that to anyone after mom," and you won't have to worry about taking the burden of that decision on your shoulders.
"That... can work, but we will have to ease him into the idea—"
"I can try to do it," says Rava, "I've convinced him to go to rehab before, it might be best coming from me."
Shiv nods, "Yeah, it may sound a little less... threatening, if you break it to him."
"You know he's not gonna take it well in either case, right?" Rava begins, eyes downcast, "Kendall always winds himself up... thinks he knows better than anyone. It is the part of him I've always seen and hated... his Roy pride," she sighs, "Sometimes I wonder what would've been, if Logan didn't poison him from the moment he was born."
"Shut up," Roman dismisses, trying to defend his father, "Kendall has always been a self-centered prick, it's not dad's fault he turned like this, he was probably boasting about how cool he was to the other sperms in mom's vagina."
"You... uh—" Roman's comment leaves her speechless for a second, "It— it is true, and you all know it, it's— it's admitting it that's making you nervous, because if you do, it will mean that you did nothing to stop it," she looks them in the eye, "and that scares you shitless."
They do know it.
"Kendall wasn't always the way he's been the past few months, I really don't understand how any of you didn't notice or comment on it... it's like he's been switched out. He's been erratic... sad... not at all there, I don't know— just not himself," she frowns, "Before the vote of no confidence, we met up, even had dinner together. I felt— I felt like there was a chance... for a new beginning, maybe we could've made it work again. But then the articles came up that he's relapsed... and that was that."
Her eyes are red and teary by the end, and she keeps wiping at them in a hope the tears won't spill.
The siblings know what caused Kendall to become erratic and what exactly caused him to relapse, of course they do. Kendall hasn't always been the calmest or the normalest of people, but he hasn't been quite as bad as the last year. It is only Roman and Shiv in the whole world who know how much killing that waiter has cost Kendall. Things weren't good before that, but they went completely south afterwards.
"Those articles were bullshit, just so you know," Shiv tells her, "Dad made it all up to disgrace him since Kendall tried to take over."
For some reason, it seems important that she know.
"He told me they were... I just didn't have it in me to believe him, because if they were, I couldn't get— you know— get into it again."
A lot of the stuff Kendall did can only be blamed on him, but... this one is so— so wrong. He was holding on, he was being strong, and Shiv is positive Kendall would've kept on being sober if he had a single person who believed in him.
"Yeah, I do get it," Shiv puts a hand on her shoulder, "he relapsed soon after. I guess he thought that if everyone believed he's an addict might as well be one."
"Kendall is not as strong as he tried to show himself to be, you know?" began Connor suddenly, breaking off whatever Rava was going to say, "I know you guys thought he was resilient, and he is, don't get me wrong, but everyone has a limit... and he's clearly reached his."
He sighs.
"All those years spent hiding his emotions away, locking it all up inside, crying in empty rooms when he thinks nobody's watching, drugging himself to trick his brain into thinking he's happy—"
"How do you even know all of this?" Roman cuts Connor off, tilting his head in curiosity.
"I know things, Rome, even if you think I don't. I'm always on the sidelines, I just don't show you that."
"Well... that's... not creepy at all..." Roman rubs the back of his neck nervously, uncomfortable with the knowledge that Connor may have witnessed a moment of weakness of his, but never told him... never held it against him.
"No, it's not creepy at all, it's what normal big brothers do in normal families, because in normal families people do not tend to undermine and try to kill each other with every shred of negative information they find about their kin."
"Oh, shut up," Roman snaps, "As if you wouldn't have done the same if dad thought you had it in you to be the CEO, you're just mad he never even considered—"
"You are more fucked than I thought you were, Rome," Connor throws in calmly, "I did not want to be the CEO, I wanted dad to respect me without following in his decrepit footsteps, why is it so hard for all of you to get that?"
"You... you never did?"
"No," Connor says, as if it is the most obvious thing on the planet, "actually, the only person in this family who really wanted the job is laying on a hospital bed half-dead, because he didn't get it."
Shiv winces.
"None of you fucking wanted it, you wanted dad to think you did, because then, maybe, he'd consider you for the job, and then he'd love you and respect you and think you an equal when, in reality, he was pitting you against each other like fucking rabid pitbulls to make Kendall into a heartless fucking monster who would sacrifice everything and everyone to sit on that stupid chair in the office like dad did his entire life."
The words ring out, but no answer follows, because...
...It's Kendall.
It's always been Kendall.
The chosen one that didn't get to fulfill his destiny.
And what is the point of existing if that's the case?
"And... and he tried, you know? He tried to be the big bad wolf, but he's just not— not that, and dad couldn't see how he was destroying Kendall with no chance of recovery."
"Why not do something if you knew all of this then, Con?" Roman snarls, "Why not pull the big brother card and help him out? You knew what was happening, right? Could see through all of dad's bullshit like it was fucking— glacier water or some other crap— why not interfere, Con—"
"Like you little shits would ever listen to me!" Connor snaps, "You never took me seriously! What the fuck do my advice or my words weigh in your lives? Nothing. Zero. It's as useful as a vegan diet for a dog."
"A vegan diet for a— what—"
"Don't change the fucking subject, Roman."
"No, man, what the hell, is this the day of competitive metaphors or something? Are we going to measure dicks the middle ages way, by reciting epics and trying to determine who can outbard the other?"
"You're impossible to deal with, Rome," Connor is pissed, and it shows in his tone.
"I think she's done, guys," Shiv cuts both of them off, her eyes focused on the way McDermott pats Kendall's hand gently and turns to face them, giving a slight nod to indicate everything is alright.
Nothing is alright.
Everyone in the room seems to sag in relief at the small gesture. Whatever episode Kendall was in seems to have passed by without further damage... at least physically. The way he was acting in that moment... the way his body started shaking beyond her brother's control... chilling.
Kendall looks awful, his eyes are red and puffy, skin pale and translucent. He's been crying in a stranger's arms while they were out here arguing with each other.
It keeps getting worse and worse, doesn't it?
McDermott gives Kendall's shoulder a pat, and tentatively leaves the room.
"How is he, what did he say?" Shiv doesn't waste a single second as the doctor approaches them, as if afraid she'll change her mind and revoke their visiting rights because of how much they distressed Kendall.
"I'm afraid I can't say," McDermott smiles sadly, "doctor-patient confidentiality, remember?"
"Yes, but..." Shiv's shoulders drop, her fighting stance wilting in the face of an authority she can't budge, "you can tell us how he is, right?"
"That I can do, correct," the doctor looks at the extra people in the room, "I think it goes without saying that he's not feeling good right now—"
"Obviously," Roman mumbles under his breath venomously, and Shiv elbows him in the side.
"—he's in a delicate state, he's vulnerable, he feels as if everyone is against him, okay? You need to be ready to be blamed, cursed, yelled at, or the opposite, for him to blame himself, accuse himself of weakness and cowardice, and that's where you come in..."
McDermott looks them all in the eyes, "This is the part where you can either make or break Kendall, what you say, how you react, it all will affect him very, very deeply. Every single word out of your mouth may shatter his already fragile mental state into pieces that may not be eligible for recovery, be very careful, choose your words wisely, think—" she looks at Roman, "—before you speak."
Roman scoffs, but doesn't say anything, because it will prove her point.
"You can visit him right now, if you wish, but be careful, don't overexert him, and yourselves."
"Thank you, doctor," says Shiv, shaking her hand.
"I will be nearby if you need anything."
McDermott leaves the room, as everyone gathers in a circle.
"Who should go in first?" it's Connor who breaks the silence.
"I will."
Everyone turns to look at Roman as if he grew a second head.
"What, did Connor smear his lipstick on me when we were hugging?"
Shiv clears her throat.
"Nothing, you just ran out of Kendall's room the second he opened his eyes, and now you can't wait to go in?"
"I ran out—" Roman looks at Shiv impassively, "—because I didn't know how to alert the doctors that he was awake."
"Yeah... sure."
"Shut up, Shiv, i'm going in."
"Yeah... yeah, okay, don't say anything that will upset him, though, please—"
"Oh, like you did?"
The words cut her deeply, but her face remains blank.
"Okay, that was uncalled for."
"Yes, it was. Go on before you change your mind."
Roman doesn't say anything else, he jumps around from one foot to other, as if warming up for a jog, and heads straight for the door to Kendall's suite.
The moment he sees Kendall's sad face staring up at him, he can't help himself.
"Hey, asshole."
Kendall blinks and Roman freezes.
What the actual fuck did he just say?
A moment of uncomfortable silence passes between the two brothers, and Roman is about to turn back and leave as to not damage the situation any further when Kendall huffs and smiles weakly.
"Fuck you, Roman, just fuck you."
Taking this as a permission to continue, Roman smirks and approaches Kendall.
"What, you thought that your sad attempt at cosplaying a teenage girl would make me pity you?"
"Didn't plan on surviving long enough for you to pity me."
The nonchalant way in which Kendall says it sends shivers down Roman's spine, because it proves that what Kendall did was no mistake, he thought it through, mulled over it for days before deciding to actually go through with it.
It's a sobering thought, one that brings Roman back to Earth, where reality dwells.
He wets his lips, tries to say something, but it gets stuck in his throat like a piece of rock. He tries swallowing the lump down, but it refuses to go.
"What is it, Rome?" Kendall says, his tone slightly impatient, but then his eye catches something, and he recoils, "Oh... you—"
He stops mid-word, not willing to finish his thought, as if it might be wrong, and he might be made fun of for even thinking—
"Wh- what?" Roman looks down at himself, checking his clothes out to see whether there's blood somewhere he forgot to clean up, even when he knows he changed them.
"I'm just... Rome—" Kendall seems like he is really struggling to articulate whatever it is on his mind, "—you... you really give a shit?"
Roman stops.
"Give a shit whether your stupid ass remains intact and in this world?" he says, slightly angry, slightly sad.
"Well... yes."
"Are you actually fucking stupid?" Roman snaps, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Oh get over yourself!" Kendall half-shouts angrily, "you're acting as if it wasn't you that did... did that to me... on my own birthday!"
"You were trying to kill dad, asshole!"
"That didn't matter!" Kendall bit back, "You were supposed to be there for me, you were supposed to ignore all of that bullshit around us for one fucking day, you were supposed to be glad that I was alive and there with you all for one fucking day, Rome."
Roman honestly didn't even assume the possibility of Kendall being so broken up over what happened that day. He noticed that his brother wasn't in a good frame of mind, but to think that he took it this bad.
"You just came there with Shiv to make fun of me... to do business, humiliate me in front of everyone and fuck off," Kendall's eyes were glassy, almost translucent, but it wasn't drugs this time. Those were tears.
It was horrifying, now that Roman looks back. He didn't just make fun of Kendall verbally, he pushed him in front of everyone.
He was high on Logan's approval, wired like a toy soldier on a path to destruction, and Roman didn't care who he had to trample to get to his goal of appeasing his father.
What a fucking joke.
"I'm... uh— Ken, listen—"
"Fuck you!"
"You fucking popped the stitches on my forehead, asshole, the least you can do is listen!"
That seems to do the trick and snap Kendall back to himself, because the one thing you can count on to shock Kendall out of any rabbit hole is his sense of guilt.
"Listen, Ken... I didn't mean to shout," Roman finally sits down on the chair opposite Kendall's bed, "what I wanted to say is that I'm..." he scrunches his mouth up, as if the very thought of uttering the words is disgusting, "I'm... sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry I did that."
Kendall freezes, eyes locking onto Roman's, radiating a desperate hope that Roman can almost feel — like a gun to the head.
"I know I didn't say this enough... because it's fucking corny and I didn't think you would want to hear it, but... oh I'm gonna vomit all over your wounds..." Roman rolls his eyes as if what he's gonna say is absolutely ridiculous, "I love you, Ken, okay? I'd be very... very sad if you died."
Kendall stares, non-believing.
"You're not having me on, are you?"
Roman purses his lips.
"No, promise I'm not."
"Because if you are, I'd rather you tell me right now."
"I promise, Ken. Jesus. You're my brother."
"I mean, it's just..." his eyes dart around wildly through the room, stopping for a second on everyone else outside the room watching them speak, "I'm sorry too, Rome, for the..." Kendall indicates to his forehead, "...that."
"All's forgiven."
"I'm serious, Rome."
"I'm also serious," Roman pats Kendall's bandaged arm gently, as to not hurt him, "I asked for it anyway."
"Doesn't excuse it."
"What were you supposed to do, tell me I was crazy?"
"Maybe... probably, just not what I did."
"It's okay, Ken, I've forgotten all about it."
"No, you haven't, and I'm sorry."
"The angsty teenage girl cosplay is going better than expected, Ken, you should've gone into acting."
"I actually tried... in high school," Kendall smiles lightly, "but dad said it's for sissies or something, I don't really remember, so away I went to study business."
"What, really?"
"Yeah," he snorts, "I also wanted to learn to play the violin."
"You're shitting me. You? The violin?"
"Yeah, man, I could've played Vivaldi's storm or some shit instead of L to the OG back then."
"Oh, I would've been a single mental trauma short if that happened."
"Fuck you, it wasn't that bad, was it?"
"Uhhhhh... life changing experience, that's all I'm willing to say."
Kendall chuckles under his nose, and Roman's face lights up.
"Thanks, Rome."
Roman smiles as he stands up to leave.
"You owe me a hug after this, fuckhead," he says.
"Will do."
"I'll tell Rava to come, she wants to see you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, man, she went on a tirade how it's our fault you decided to try and kick the bucket and how she was very disappointed in us blah-blah-blah, please ask her to back the fuck off, it wasn't us that divorced your sorry ass."
"Rava chewed you off?" Kendall snorted, "Damn, wish I could hear that."
"Pervert, does your ex-wife know it turns you on when she protects you in front of the big boys?"
"How did you even come to that conclusion?"
"I don't know, Ken, probably the same way you decided that rapping for dad was a good idea."
"Uh-huh, you're going to hold that against me forever, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am. Also... Ken... uh—" Roman rubs his neck nervously, "I probably should've told you this ages ago, but I don't blame you for the tree."
Kendall freezes minutely, and it's the only confirmation Roman needs that the whole thing has been bothering Kendall even more than twenty years later.
"It was just a thing that happened, mostly my fault, so... yeah, no hard feelings."
Kendall smiles weakly, "Yeah... okay, didn't even remember about the whole thing."
"Of course," Roman waves his hands dismissively, "it was long ago. I'll tell Rava to come, get ready, hide the porn mags under the blanket, I can see them."
Kendall laughs weakly, he can't help it.
Roman throws another look at Kendall, takes him in, and goes to the door, thinking that the whole thing went better than expected.
As he exits the room, everyone swarms around him.
"How was he?"
"What'd he say?"
"Was he okay?"
Roman shushes them with his finger.
"He's fine, a bit antsy, but that's to be expected," he points at Rava, "he wants to see you, so you're next."
"Really?"
"No, he didn't say that, but I may have told him that you were his knight in shining armour out here protecting his honour, so you're gonna go in next," he shrugs, "sorry, Con."
"Maybe that's for the best, considering what I will have to tell him."
"Uh... Con," Roman cuts him off suddenly, "maybe it'd be best if you leave that conversation for tomorrow?"
Shiv and Rava look at Roman confusedly, "Why?"
"Maybe, I don't know, assess how he is, and then decide?"
"Assess? There's nothing to assess. He told me he wanted to die."
"I don't know, Shiv... I—" Roman rubs his neck, "Just— fuck, I really don't want to say this, cuz it's fucking horrible, but what if that was a reaction to you specifically?"
Shiv immediately loses all colour, "No— I—" she looks behind the glass to Kendall, who is watching them silently. Is it really possible? "Why would you say that?"
"I just... when we talked he would smile and make those little piggy sounds under his breath that usually indicate he's half-laughing, doesn't that mean not everything's so grim?"
"He might be trying to trick you," Shiv deadpans.
"Jesus Christ, Shiv, he just woke up from trying to kick the bucket, he's not trying to do anything," Roman answers, agitated, "I'm not saying don't consider it anymore, I'm just trying to say that deciding stuff on the whim is a disservice to him, okay? We can't just toss him to God knows where and wait for others to make it better."
"He's got a point, Shiv," Connor butts in, "I mean... he's our brother, who can take better care of him than—"
"Us?" Shiv says, "The people who got him here in the first place?"
"No— no, don't do that," Connor adds, "don't take blame for this, I know you feel guilty, and there is a lot to be guilty about, but doing this," Connor rotates his finger around to indicate the situation they're in, "doing this was his choice, and his choice only."
"But we—"
"But we didn't do anything?" Connor completes, "Who said so? We tried to check up on him, it was Ken that went and hid himself somewhere, Shiv, if he wanted help, he would've answered our calls or contacted us. If not you both, for obvious reasons, then me."
Shiv sits down on one of the armchairs, defeated.
"Okay... okay, let's wait a bit before making a decision, I agree."
Roman claps his hands together, diffusing the tension in the room, "Cool! So we're done? Rava, go in, please, he's all alone there."
"Okay... so, right now?"
Shiv looks at Rava.
"Yeah, okay, I got it."
Rava rubs her face, then lightly taps her cheeks, as if to get herself ready.
"Let's go."
She opens the door to Kendall's suite with the confidence of a student that left everything to the night before the exam, and marches to Kendall's bed.
Kendall looks up at her with the sad doe eyes she fell in love with, and Rava is immediately pulled in with the mysterious aura Kendall always somehow possessed, even after a suicide attempt.
"Hey, Ken."
"Hey, Rava."
Rava stands in awkward silence for a second, not knowing what to say, what's appropriate and what's allowed. Every word had to be weighed down and considered as to not make anything worse, and—
"I can physically feel you thinking, Rav," Kendall breaks the silence, "Like, the brain waves are reaching my nervous system, I'm pretty sure."
The comment snaps Rava out of her stupor, and she remembers.
This is still Kendall. The dork. He hasn't changed. He's just sad, sadder than he's allowed to be.
"Roman snitch about anything out there?" Kendall inquires half-jokingly.
"Nothing important, just your social security number," she smiles.
"Typical Roman. Nothing to worry about, though, I'm positive he didn't memorize half of it correctly."
Rava giggles, "Oh... that's why my application for a credit card was rejected. Pity."
Kendall smiles, an honest to God smile, bright and warm, and Rava's heart jumps a beat. After all this years he still has that effect on her.
"I know you're probably trying to say the right thing so I don't get sad or whatever, but I don't need that... Just tell me one thing," Kendall stammers, it looks like he wants to mingle his fingers in anxiety, but his arms hurt too much to move, "do you... care about me?"
Rava is shocked, not because the question is weird or out of line, but because Kendall really, honestly, doesn't know the answer to it, and it breaks her heart.
More than a decade of marriage, nights spent together in the same bed, shared laughter and happiness, moments so special and unique they will always remain as the landmarks of her life, and Kendall was still unsure if she loved him.
She doesn't know if it's her, or if it's Kendall's father that was the reason for his confusion, but either way, it is her duty to clear it up.
"Kendall... God," she starts, suddenly nauseous, "I really don't understand how you don't see."
Rava, of course, means that it is very obvious that she cares deeply for him, and that he must be either stupid or blind not to notice it, but Kendall seems to take it in a negative sense, as his face twists into a very disturbing amalgamation of despair and pain, so potent and distressing that Rava thinks he's about to die of heartbreak right there and then.
"Kendall, no— no, listen to me," she cups Kendall's head with her hands, firmly and warmly, "I care about you, okay? I care about you very, very deeply," her words are pure honesty, and Kendall can't help reaching out clumsily putting his right hand onto her chest, because doing anything else hurt too much, "when we didn't have the kids yet, you were my whole world, Ken, you were everything. Maybe I didn't tell you enough, or maybe it's your illness that won't let you see, but I never stopped loving you, okay? Never."
"Never?" Oh God, he's so sad, Rava can't bear it.
"Never."
Rava sees it coming before it happens; Kendall's bottom lip trembles, his eyes well up, and then he sobs.
"I n— never stopped either," he mumbles, "never, never."
Rava brings his head close and lays it on her neck in a strange kind of embrace, holding him there, tethered to the Earth, the only person who, all this time, admitted to loving him without any negative connotations following, without any expectations, or to soften the blow of the upcoming betrayal. She simply loves him, nothing more, nothing less, and Kendall craves that love like a man drowning.
"I know you had to leave... for the kids, I agree with your decision, actually, I just, uh— I just wish... we didn't drift apart so much."
"You were so unapproachable lately, Ken," Rava says sadly, "I don't know what it is that made you so, and I wish I could help you, but you need to let me, okay, do you understand?"
"Yes... yes, okay," he agrees, "I missed you."
"I missed you too..."
They hug and talk and sit there for some time, before Rava realises that Kendall is growing more and more sleepy each second, and Connor is still waiting for his turn.
"Hey, Ken, Connor also wants to see you, and I don't want to tire you too much."
"You can never tire me."
Rava giggles, "yeah— yeah, not even that time I read my dissertation to you?"
Kendall smiles fondly at the memory, "okay, maybe that time."
"I will tell him to come in, okay?"
"Okay."
Rava rubs his shoulder for one last time, and leaves the room.
"How was it?" Shiv is the first to ask.
"He seemed... okay," Rava answers, "he's sad... very sad, but that's nothing we didn't know, I guess."
She turns to Connor and motions the door, "you're next."
"It's time then," he stands up and sighs, "here I go."
Connor enters Kendall's suite slowly, and approaches his bed with his brother's eyes following him tentatively. Nobody breaks the silence as Connor sits down on the chair where every visitor has sat so far.
Their gazes meet, and Connor smiles, "how could you be that stupid."
Kendall blinks confusingly, "what?"
"Did you really think we wouldn't miss you? Wouldn't grieve you? That we would just go on like nothing happened?" Connor chastises, "Kendall, can you imagine what it would do to me if you died? To Roman? To Shiv? Rava? Hell, what it would to to Stewy?"
Kendall doesn't answer, just keeps staring silently. He's sleepy, and tired, Connor can tell.
"Do you know Stewy has been texting me non-stop since Rava told him you were here?"
"You?"
"Shiv and Roman are not in the state of mind to text right now, Kendall."
Kendall hangs his head as much as he's able.
"Listen, Ken, I'm not here to make you feel guilty about all of this, but I also want you to understand that it was foolish and that it would've destroyed your siblings down to the core. There's no universe out there where your death makes any one of us happier."
Kendall swallows, mulls over Connor's words, and opens his mouth.
"It's this thing, I never understood it, Con," Kendall looked at him like an art student would look at rocket physics, "It may sound a bit pathetic, but it always boggled me— like—" he stumbled over his words, trying to pick the best ones to bring his point across, "like— why do you care?"
Connor blinks, then blinks again, gapes like a fish on shore, then blinks another time.
"I never could decipher your behaviour, it was like the fucking— Bermuda triangle— you have no angle, you gain nothing from being nice to me, yet you still do it... why?"
Connor's brain stutters for a moment. Every thought he had wandering in his mind quietens in response to Kendall's speech while his neurons try to catch up. It's like Kendall has hit the reboot button hidden deep inside Connor's chest.
Forty years together, and Kendall had no idea.
"It's actually very simple, Kenny," he smiles warmly, "I care for the same reason you care about Rome, and about Shiv, heck, I'd even go as far as to say about me. I care, because you're my brother, Kendall. That's all there is to it, and that's all there ever will be."
Connor feels emboldened by his little speech, and puts his hand over Kendall's bandaged one, raising his eyes up to look his brother in the face.
"As long as I am alive, you do not have to go to sleep feeling unloved, or feeling like there's nobody that cares for you, okay? I promise."
Kendall looks like he has just discovered the secret to immortality.
"Of— of course," he stutters, his brain catching up to what Connor implied in his speech, "of course... I care about you too, Con, of course I do."
"See?" Connor chuckles lightly, "There shouldn't be any requirement for you to have my love and concern, Kenny. If there was one, it wouldn't be real anymore, it would be as artificial as Tabitha's boobs."
Huh?
The last comment takes a moment to register, and catches Kendall so off guard that he tries to laugh and inhale at the same time, but in the end only manages to get air stuck in his throat and choke.
Connor moves forward concernedly and rubs the (now) hysterical Kendall on the back while his brother coughs and laughs desperately.
It's so weird. Kendall knows that he was feeling like a moldy piece of pizza stuck under someone's shoe only seconds ago, but now his whole inner world has flipped on its head, and he feels like he can climb Everest with a grappling hook and only an apple in his pocket.
"Jesus Christ, Con, don't ever do that to me again," says Kendall, out of breath and trying not to fall over in exhaustion, but still smiling like an idiot.
"Okay— okay," Connor puts his hands up in defeat, "cross my heart and hope to die."
Kendall rides out the last of his little laughs and giggles, clumsily trying to wipe the tears from his face with his bandaged hands. He can't remember the last time he's laughed like this... so unburdened by anything or anyone. He leans back onto his bed, eventually, and looks up at Connor.
"...thank you."
There's so much in Kendall's eyes, they're so full of everything that Connor is afraid it'll all spill out and pop his eyes with it.
His face softens.
"Of course, any time," Connor looks at the glass window, spotting the bewildered faces of the younger ducklings, "I'll be back, try to sleep for now, okay?"
"Okay..." Kendall closes his eyes, spent and exhausted.
Connor leaves the room feeling lighter.
Yes... tomorrow will come, and the good with it. At least he hoped so.