This is devastating and remarkable and so so so filled with so much love, I can barely type through my tears. This is exactly the catharsis I needed tonight, thank you. I apologize, this comment is rather long and disjointed as I jotted down my feelings as I read - something about this story really captured and held me, and I can already tell that this is going to be one of those stories that sticks with me for a long time afterwards.
One detail I particularly loved was how Essek’s willingness to talk and think about death changed as he aged, and what a shame it was that the younger version of him could not talk about it with Caleb, no matter how understandable it was. That’s a detail not many lifespan fics include, and I really loved the wisdom that went into it. And the insight that it was Essek approaching his own death that brought him there, that Essek was the one who needed to talk about it, who was afraid of it — this was so lovely and poignant and realistic.
The discussion of the path of Essek’s grief was also so interesting and illuminating - it all felt very real, the loss that he felt and the way that he slowly built his life back afterwards. (And that he is still close to Brenattos after all this time! This little detail gave me such a smile.)
I loved that you included that Essek found love again, too, and that all of his loves have been different - because all love IS different, and the things that have bound Caleb and Essek to one another transcend time and death and definition. It’s really a lovely sentiment. And his partner is someone consecuted from the Dynasty! The way Essek talks about him, I want to know more about them - how they met, how they built a life together, how Essek found small ways to share Caleb with him. I normally have difficulty imagining Essek with anyone other than Caleb, but this relationship that Essek will be leaving really struck me more than I was expecting.
This line in particular really took my breath away: Caleb wonders what it is like to look into the face of what has been mere memory for longer than it was ever material. He hopes he lives up to it. The realization that Essek has lived without Caleb for SO long after their brief time together, how much he still loves him, how deeply vast an elf’s concept of time must be - it’s just so good.
This one as well — ”It must be difficult to face finality after a lifetime dedicated to possibilities.” The contrast of this and how realistic it would be, that Essek would be fearful of death while Caleb was not, is such interesting insight into their characters.
And what a delightful ending, with Essek returning home to Caleb’s changed feelings about their relationships, to a Caleb who wants to give him all of the affection he deserves right up until the end, to a Caleb who KNOWS without a doubt that Essek will live on and be happy without him.
This fic was spectacular, a perfect moment of grief and love and joy, like popping a bubble filled with all of these swirling and complex emotions. I was in a maudlin mood this evening and I think this has almost completely banished it and given me the good cry I needed. Thank you for writing this lovely story that inspired so much emotion.
Oh my gosh, it has taken me so long to write a response because I was overcome with emotion when I first saw your comment—I genuinely cried—and then could not find the words.
I am so glad this fic could be cathartic for you! Writing this was cathartic for me as well. I'd nearly scrapped the fic because I'd felt like I had lost control of it, so to see that it has landed for others and that you've picked up on all the things I wanted to express brings me immense relief and joy. I spent a lot of time thinking about Caleb's pragmatism versus Essek's cowardice and how that would inform their approaches to death, and I am so pleased that the result reads as realistic to their characters!! The two lines you called out are honestly my favorites that I wrote, so I am beyond thrilled that they would stand out to you as well.
While writing, I developed all these thoughts on what a future partner of Essek's would be like and how they would meet. Ultimately I preferred leaving this ambiguous for the reader (and Caleb) to wonder about and fill in themselves, but as a little bonus tidbit: one of the central ideas I kept returning to is that he would perhaps be an alchemist—a nod to the way Essek's unexpected bond with Yeza would continue to resonate in his life even centuries later. I was rather taken with the thought of "the way that your narrative foil can irreversibly change your life" ➡️ "the way the personification of the consequences of your wrongs can, too", and of course it would serve as yet another indication of how Essek would grow independently from Caleb's influence as he moved on. But that concept starts to become a whole other story!
Thank you so, so much for reading and for sharing your thoughts with me! 💜 Words cannot express how touched I was by your comment. (Also, hey, hello, hi, I love and admire so many of your fics!!)
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kaeda Tue 02 Aug 2022 02:54AM UTC
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mieletthe Wed 17 Aug 2022 06:56AM UTC
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