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When she steps outside, the comforting pitter-patter of rain battering the earth, Noelle swears she sees a raindrop crystallize before her eyes.
That would be ridiculous, though. Things like that… don’t happen in the real world. But neither does mind-reading. In one day, the rules Noelle had set around her world, the boundaries of fiction and reality, had been completely shattered. The cracks had been there for years, though.
She knows it, now. She is special. Or she is cursed. Or maybe those are the same horrid thing, to be glimpsed by something greater. This was what years of prayer got her: communion with the Angel.
She’d wished
It could snow
Whenever she wanted.
And the Angel had delivered it.
She’d wished to find her sister, too. Now that she is stronger, now that she will continue to become stronger… surely, the Angel will grant that prayer too.
And so, she can’t sleep again. This time, she knows Kris won’t be back. They’re with the Angel, now. Or they are the Angel, now. It makes no functional difference. They’re both here for something greater, anyways.
The Angel, speaking through her childhood friend to assuage her fears. Hopefully, it had eased Kris’s, too. The way they had looked at her with wide eyes. Pleading for her to not go on. Weakly covering her mouth so it wouldn’t hear.
How funny, she thinks, now. The Angel would have heard everything eventually. And now it speaks to her, too. Such is the power of communion. She only wishes she could remember hers, now. What a shame. It must have been beautiful, earlier today, whatever force had joined her with the Angel; she shivers just thinking of it. She’ll have to thank Kris tomorrow.
Right now, she is searching. Peering through the slurry of water and ice for some sort of hint. Oh, Angel, Angel, give me something. Tell me about December.
A dull ache in her ring finger pulls her out from the stoop of her front door towards the main roads. Like any good vessel, she abides.
It’s only once she looks down at herself in a puddle, illuminated by the clouded moon, that she realizes she’s still in her pajamas, and certainly not wearing shoes. Well, that’s what she was granted hooves for. She walks on, her hooves rippling the paler reflection of herself.
Hometown’s streets are dead quiet, as she’d expect at this time of night. Something about the darkened, glassy windows of the buildings has always given her comfort. It feels like the world has frozen over, never to change again. Like she can hold things still just a little longer. She turns right past the Cattenheimer’s; vaguely wonders what Catti would think about this sort of possession. This can’t be the occult, though. Noelle is certain.
There is the temptation, a warm squeezing feeling in her chest, insisting she at least peer into the hospital window as she passes it by. After all, her father is there. …Berdly is there, too. Instead, she settles for praying from afar. Something claws at the back of her mind, saying you’ve done enough already. She doesn’t remember what, but heeds its warning.
…What was it that she did, though? Now it’s bothering her. All she remembers is that
It snowed
And snowed
And snowed
And snowed
And
“HEY!!! Noelle, are you good? You were just kinda… staring into space. What’re you even doing out here, at this time of night?”
When Noelle blinks, and the snow clears from her vision, Susie is watching her with the same concerned look that Kris wore last night. Perhaps this is another sign from the Angel.
“I was… looking for someone.”
“In your pajamas? At this time of night?” Susie seems uneasy, for some reason. Noelle supposes it would seem strange to somebody who doesn’t understand. Maybe she should have been more cautious, but it’s too late for that now.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she admits. It’s honest enough.
“Yeah, well… me neither. Today’s been… weird.”
Fahaha, weird doesn’t even begin to describe it. …Wait, Susie can’t hear if she just thinks it. They’re not as close as her and Kris, yet.
“It has, hasn’t it?” Noelle settles on.
“So, uh, it’s the same for you…? ‘Cuz Kris has been acting… off. And I was kinda wondering if it was… because of whatever you guys talked about?”
Noelle tilts her head. Finally, she’s not the only one who’s noticed Kris acting off. A few days ago, she would have been ecstatic that she wasn’t alone. Now, she’ll never be alone again. She can feel it in her chest.
“They, uh… won’t tell me anything. You can tell me if it’s none of my business or whatever, but Kris looked… really upset.”
“Upset…?” The thought escapes her lips. She remembers hearing herself scream in fear, earlier. Poor Kris, they must think she’s still quivering with fright like when they were children. She’s older, now. She’s stronger, now. All thanks to them.
“Yeah. They were… I don’t know what it was, but I just heard this slamming from the bathroom. I mean, I like to wreck stuff as much as the next guy, but… that doesn’t seem like Kris.”
Noelle can’t recall hearing anything like that, herself. But her memory has been bad ever since Dess went missing. Ever since remembering started to hurt. She shivers.
“Oh, Kris…” How to explain this? How to assuage Susie’s fears? Was it wrong, that even with the Angel’s blessing, she wanted to reach out and touch her still? “They… scared me earlier. But I’m okay now. Fahaha, if anything, I should thank them for what they did.”
Susie’s eyes widened, full of burning fire. “They did something? What… did they do?”
“Oh, it was nothing bad, fahaha! They… We were talking on the couch, and then they got closer, and they took my hand, and… and… and I tried to leave, and…”
She had tried to leave? Why would she have tried to leave? She was safe, with Kris. They would never hurt her. Kris would never hurt her. So then, why… couldn’t… she… remember?
“And… I… Don’t remember. What they did.” She looks to her left hand, trembling, as a snowflake lands atop it. It doesn’t melt.
Susie looks as if she’s shaking, too. It must be the cold; it seems to cloak itself around Noelle. In contrast, Susie seems to radiate heat, the sort Noelle can feel just from her approach. She is the sun, the girl decides; fiery and radiant and bound to melt her if she isn’t careful. Right now, she isn’t particularly given to being careful. Maybe Susie’s proximity could melt her frozen memories.
“You… Noelle, are you hurt? Did they… Did Kris…”
“Kris would never,” Noelle assures herself.
“They would never do what? Noelle, now you’re worrying me, too. If Kris really… If they did something to hurt you, then I don’t care if they’re my friend, or Toriel’s kid, I’ll… I’ll beat the crap out of them. Even if it gets me expelled.”
“Susie…” She draws air through her lips as if to say something, anything in her oldest friend’s defense, but instead yelps at Susie’s gentle touch under her chin. It burns, burns, burns, like she’s laid her head onto the oven to carve its warmth into her memory. It’s the warmest touch she’s known in years, and she melts further into it even as Susie cups her whole head, tilts it upwards, brushes a matchstick of a finger across her forehead to lift her bangs and check for bruises. She wants to swallow that heat whole. She wants to catch fire from Susie’s touch, watch the ripple of the flames as they burn her from the outside in, even if it kills her.
What a traitor her will is. Handed the power of the Angel in the palm of her hand, and she wants to burn it. It’s like she never even cared about December; no, all she’s ever wanted was to recapture the same thrills she’d felt when she was young. But she still can’t allow herself to let go. Her cage of ice might be killing her, slowly, but to melt it felt just as deadly.
“You’re freezing, Noelle.”
“I know.” She drinks in the searing feeling as Susie’s palm presses desperately to her forehead, whimpers as she instead takes Noelle’s right hand with both of hers. It’s more than she can take.
“We… we have to get you to the hospital.”
“They’re closed.” She says it matter-of-factly. This is her fate. She chose it. She accepted it. She could have refused it at any point, she tells herself, and yet… she hasn’t. So she must want it.
“Then… then… fuck, I don’t know, an ambulance? I can’t just… leave you like this, Noelle.”
Noelle looks absentmindedly to the far end of the road, past the police station, beyond the haphazardly strung caution tape. The road’s gone; she hasn’t seen it, but she feels there’s no leaving this town in her bones. Courtesy of the Angel. She doesn’t find herself particularly resentful of this fact; if anything, it’s a comfort. Everything important is in this town. She never has to leave. And neither does Susie.
“Then don’t leave. Stay here. If you’re here, now, then… it has to be a sign.”
“A… sign…?” Susie eyes Noelle up and down; it’s with some disappointment that she registers the drake’s look as one of skepticism, not bare-faced desire.
“A sign from the Angel, that you can help me.” She blinks up at Susie, aware of the way in which her eyelashes threaten to freeze together as she bats them. What was once a burning in her hand has become a smoldering flame, doused by sweat; whether hers or Susie’s, she has no idea.
“A sign. From the Angel.” Cheezus, she likes to repeat things. “I… uh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. I mean, I knew you were religious, since you’re in the choir and everything, I just didn’t think… it was like that.”
How couldn’t it be like that, after what she’d seen today? After she’d experienced something so astounding, so miraculous that there was no logical explanation? It’s not like you’d understand without seeing it, Noelle supposes.
And so instead of saying anything more, Noelle takes Susie by the hand, leads her down the street towards the church. At least Noelle won’t make it snow inside. Probably. It’s only as they reach the doors that Susie moves to stop her.
“Hey, wait, we probably shouldn’t…”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s always open, Susie. I’ve spent… a few late nights here, fahaha.” Praying for her sister, for her to be found alive, and eventually, desperately, to be found even if she was dead. (Which she wasn’t, she could feel it.) Praying for Kris, for their family. Praying for her father to get better soon. They’d all fallen on deaf ears until now. She’d make them all come true. She had to.
“No, I mean, uh… Kris and… I was there, earlier, to see Toriel. But when I went in, she wasn’t there, and… it was, uh. Kinda wrecked.”
Noelle chuckles. “You’re a bad liar, Susie.”
“Hey, I’m not— Okay, well, maybe we were sort of responsible for. That. But it wasn’t on purpose, I swear.”
“Then I don’t mind, really. It’s better than standing out in the snow, right?”
Susie cups her hand in front of her and mouths a soft whoa as a snowflake settles onto her scales. “Huh, you’re right. Since when was it…”
Since two days ago, she answers to nobody.
Noelle throws open the church doors, doesn’t even flinch as they collide with the walls, wood on wood. It doesn’t look as bad in the foyer as she’d expect, save for the display of hope candles. She kneels to tidy them, and soon Susie is beside her.
“How do you use these?” Susie reaches for Kris’s, fallen to the ground, but stops herself before picking it up.
Seeking an excuse for touch, Noelle brushes Susie’s hand aside, replacing Kris’s candle. It’s been burned quite low, by now. Kris doesn’t even know how lucky, how loved they are, to be prayed over like this. Noelle’s has just barely begun to drip wax. She could melt right now, though.
“Oh, you just light the candle for somebody, and then you concentrate on the prayer you have for them. When you’re finished, you blow it back out. It’s sort of like… sending a signal to the Angel, so they’ll notice your prayer and listen. The light’s also supposed to represent our souls—the Angel’s light shines on our souls, so our souls can shine on everyone else’s.”
“…Huh. That’s kinda cool, actually. You got a match?”
“No, you’re not really… supposed to light them without Father Alvin around.”
Susie hums in acknowledgment, but then stands, a glint in her eye. “I bet they’re in his office.”
“Suuuusie!!!”
“Hey, I’m sure he’ll understand. It’s important.”
Noelle remains, crouched before the candles. Hers seems to have cracks in the glass, she notices up close; Susie’s has fallen on its side. There isn’t one for Berdly. She should fix that, sometime. Maybe it would warm his spirits. Her father’s, she notices, is nearly at the end of its wick. She’ll have to purchase a new one, soon; her mother has been far too busy to attend church these days. December’s candle is gone, too. Nobody’s ever told Noelle where it went, but she has her suspicions; her mother always did prefer to keep everything important at home.
From the other room, there’s a banging noise, and Susie reemerges, waving a pack of matches.
“C’mon, let’s set some shit on fire. Might help you feel better.”
Does Noelle seem upset…? She’s fine, really. She’s just… just… looking for her sister. But she’d been gone forever, hasn’t she? Then, why…
There’s the scratching of a match being struck, and a flame, grabbing onto a candle’s wick hungrily.
“Yo, angel, it’d be pretty cool if you could help Noelle right now. She’s really cool and smart, but she’s too nice to kick people’s asses, so it’d be really cool if you could kick their ass for her. Hell, I’ll do it myself if you don’t.”
“Susie, don’t!” Noelle laughs, her breath ever-so-slightly visible next to her candle’s dim light. “Kris didn’t do anything wrong, they were just… just…” Her head hurts.
“Noelle… you don’t… just have to put up with being treated like shit. Maybe the police won’t do anything, or school, but… if you told your mom, she’d probably do something. She actually… likes you. Even if she’s kinda fuckin’ scary.” Noelle chuckles, and chuckles even more as Susie starts to stammer over her words. “I-I mean, uh… shit, I don’t mean to make assumptions about what’s going on. It’s just… you said they wouldn’t let you leave, and… nothing good ever happens with that, in my experience. I know they like to pull stupid pranks, and stuff like that, but if you can’t remember, then… usually, that’s your mind blocking out the bad shit. I think.”
Was that… what had happened? No, no, it couldn’t be. This is good. The snow… is good. Even if it’s so, so cold, she was made for the cold, she’s lived in it her whole life. “But Kris wouldn’t… I know Kris. I can trust Kris.” Even if she doesn’t know this Kris.
Susie takes the sort of long, thoughtful breath where Noelle can hear the hum of her vocal chords on the exhale. “Just ‘cuz you think you can trust someone… doesn’t mean they’re going to be good to you. I… trusted a lot of people, as a kid. Lotta good that did me.”
“Susie…” Steeling herself, Noelle presses her hand to Susie’s chin in much the same way Susie did to her. Is she sure that Noelle’s not the cold one, and that Susie isn’t just burning up? Burning brighter than anybody else ever has? A girl with as much fire as her… there was no way a girl like that hadn’t drawn the Angel’s attention, too.
“You didn’t deserve that, you know.” She can swear that Susie purrs against her.
“Yeah, well… neither do you. Which is why I wanna help, I guess.”
“You’re already helping, I think.” Even if Susie doesn’t quite understand, she thinks, it’s nice to feel heard. To feel… like somebody’s… listening.
“Uhh, you sure? You’re… you’re shaking, again.”
Noelle’s breaths come out as wheezes. They can’t be… It can’t be… listening now, right? If… If you’re listening… say, I’m watching. Say, this is a sign.
“Noelle, hey, it’s just me. It’s Susie. I’m not going to hurt you, okay?” Even Susie’s breath feels searing. Like it’s too close and too far all at once.
Say… say… say you’d never hurt me. Say you love me, say you’re sorry, say…
“Are you listening, Noelle? Is it okay if I touch you?” Noelle nods; to which, she’s not sure. She still screams as Susie’s hand brushes her shoulder.
“It’s—ha, ha, of course it’s you, Susie. Not Kris. Kris wouldn’t… be here.”
“Sorry, I really should’ve… known better than to touch you.”
“No, no, I… I want you to.”
At that, Susie flushes. Some horrible, perverted part of Noelle delights at that; she pushes it back.
“Then… you said, earlier, Kris grabbed your hand, right…?”
Noelle nods.
“Show me… what they did. If, um, if that’s not…”
It takes no more prompting for Noelle to back Susie against the wall, noting the way her skin glistens against candlelight, or for her to grip Susie’s left hand with such force that she’s astounded it’s her own. Did Kris really pull her towards them? Did they really close their other hand around hers, pressing and pressing until… Her finger aches. She doesn’t want to think, anymore.
Instead, Noelle presses her lips to Susie’s, melting into the heat until she can’t feel the dull ache in her finger, in her chest, in her whole being, anymore. It’s nothing like she imagined, kicking her feet and screaming into her pillow. It’s even more intense, the kind of intensity that causes her to break into a cold sweat, like her very heart’s defrosting.
When Susie pulls back, gasping, Noelle falls backwards to the cold floor. She’s shivering, but that’s nothing new—did she do that?! Did she just do that?! Noelle, what is WRONG with you??? Susie was just trying to help, and you just— you just—
“Whoa, hey, hey, it’s okay. Iiiiit’s okay. Let’s, uh… maybe take a breath. I think I could… kinda use it.”
Noelle obliges, her breath crystallizing in front of her eyes. She feels even colder now that she’s separate from Susie. She wants to curl up inside her forever.
“Okay, so. First things first. Did Kris do, uh… that last part?” Susie’s blush is even more intense under candlelight.
“U-um, no, I’m pretty sure… not. That was, um… me.” Noelle wants to scream, again. Her voice is going to be positively fried tomorrow.
“Okay. Cool. Alright. Good. I mean, it’s good since you didn’t want them to, not because I care about who you kiss—”
“I know.” Noelle leans in again, fighting and kicking herself every inch of the way, until—her mouth meets Susie’s palm, instead. Huh. She tries to speak, but instead what comes out is “Mmrh?”
“That’s… probably not a good idea? I MEAN, not because I don’t like you, but because… we’re in a church. Next to a candle. On fire. And you’re kind of, uh, still acting weird.”
Noelle sits back, pressing her own hand to her lips. They’re probably the warmest part of her body, now.
Angel. She kissed Susie. And she almost did it twice, without thinking. She’s just as bad as… as…
“…Did Kris… do that to you?”
Noelle opens her mouth, but no words come out. She feels like she’s fallen into a frozen lake, gasping for air, grasping for a way out. That can’t have been it, she knows it, but whatever did happen is deep, deeper, yet deeper in the depths. Go any further and she’d surely die of hypothermia.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but…” She can’t. She can’t. Doesn’t Susie understand she can’t?! If this was just a matter of want, Noelle wouldn’t be here. Not like this. Not in this state.
Noelle’s hands are shaking. Susie, because she’s herself, so kind, so warm, so bright despite her best efforts to conceal it, reaches for them.
It’s only when she’s already moved that Noelle realizes she’s jerked her hands away, up and over her horns. The candle beside them flickers, threatening to snuff itself.
“…Sorry. ‘m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.” Susie’s so sincere, so forthcoming, it burns like looking into the sun, like the sort of sunburn she’d feel on her nose for weeks. It’s getting tougher to bear. Noelle backs up, sliding on the cold wooden floor. She barely even winces when she finds an old nail, poking up and snagging on her dress’s skirt.
…Wait, she’s not wearing a dress, is she? Susie says something else, speaking softly and only looking toward Noelle in glances, as if the slightest move would send her flying off. Somehow, Susie’s light melts her more indirectly, like it’s being refracted straight onto her soul. Everything is swimming, deforming and reshaping itself, in this dim light. The shadows move as if to drag Noelle under, and the light dances erratically, as if to feint and steal her very being. She startles, standing on buckling legs like they, too, were melting.
“Noelle, hey, Noelle, wait–” The sound of Susie’s voice is garbled, nearly garbage noise through the ocean of space between them. It had felt so small a moment ago. But perceptions weren’t to be trusted, here. She wants to stay here, wants to bask in that warmth, but Noelle’s body is betraying her in new and unexpected ways; where she had wanted to bolt out of her room earlier, and froze, now all the pleading in the world can’t stop her from moving away, melting ice repelled by a lit flame.
A lit flame. A hope candle. The Angel is still listening. No, it’s not just listening, it’s… it’s…
Before she bolts, before she’s stolen away from the only person who can save her, Noelle gathers all her willpower to blow out the candle, burned low, low, low. It’s a silent prayer.
Angel, Angel, take me away, but please don’t take my Susie.
Over her shoulder, as she bolts into the woods, a deer in cosmic headlights, she can still see Susie’s flame, reaching for her. She hopes it never dies.