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Vessel set a fresh mug of tea down for II, taking the now cold and half-empty one beside it, and leaned over to kiss his head. He didn’t linger; II was busy and needed to get work done.
“Please stop,” II sighed.
Already halfway to the door, Ves stopped and turned back to look at his boyfriend. “What?”
“I need you to stop doing this, Ves. Please.”
Something deep twisted in Vessel’s stomach. He’d heard similar words before so many times in his life. He looked around the room to see if there were any clues as to what he needed to stop doing.
Not seeing anything obvious, he walked back over to the large desk where II sat in front of his laptop and extra screens. He didn’t really understand what it was II did, but he knew it was important. “I… what…?” He cleared his throat and tried again. “What do you need me to stop doing?” He was proud of himself for hiding the deep sense of dread building in him. He loved II so much—more than he’d loved any of his previous partners—and he just needed to make it okay.
II sighed again and took off his reading glasses to rub his eyes. “I can’t believe I have to spell this out,” he mumbled.
Vessel’s gut churned and a wave of nausea washed over him. He’d missed something big.
“You’ve been dancing around all day, flitting in and out, refilling my tea, asking how everything is going, and honestly it’s getting annoying.”
The room suddenly felt like ice as realization hit him.
“I can get my own tea when I’m ready for more; you’re not my waiter.”
Vessel looked down at the half empty mug he held as shame made his cheeks burn.
“And I can only tell you things are going fine so many times a day, Ves.”
He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t. This was always bound to happen, and he only had himself to blame.
“I’m sorry,” Vessel managed, forcing himself to stay calm and steady. “I didn't realize it was getting annoying. I’ll stop.”
II sighed again, this time in relief. “Thank you. I really need to get this report done. I’ll come find you after I’ve finished, okay?”
Vessel hummed an acknowledgement and hesitated as he tried to decide if a pat on the shoulder or a kiss to his head would be welcomed or not. He ultimately decided he’d already done that too many times already and just left. It felt wrong.
Everything felt wrong.
Will you just stop it already?
He went to the kitchen to wash the mug he’d taken and set it to dry, closing his eyes tightly against painful memories.
Don’t you have anything better to do?
He’d been told he was too much since he was a kid, he had too much energy or he was too loud or he needed too much love and comfort, or he… the examples were endless.
Could you maybe shut up for once?
All three of his past partners had broken up with him because he was too much. He needed too much reassurance and attention. He talked too much. He loved too much.
He had thought he was doing better with II. Vessel had fallen hard and fast for II, loved him more than he’d ever thought any one person could love. They’d been together for six months and he hadn’t chased II off yet. Hell, they’d even made the decision to move in together two weeks ago.
I can’t believe I have to spell this out for you.
With a deep breath, Vessel went upstairs. He was so stupid for not seeing this coming. He shouldn’t have said yes when II asked him to move in. He should have kept his apartment, at least. Now there was nowhere for him to go to give II a break from him.
He knew what was going to happen now. II was going to realize that Vessel wasn’t what he wanted after all. Because Ves truly didn’t know how to love right.
Everyone in his life had been right. Vessel was too much of everything. He couldn’t be normal about anything. He loved too deeply, shoved it in the face of his partners to the point of pushing them away.
He should pack up and leave now. He should spare II the heartache that would come with the downfall of their relationship.
But god, he loved II so much. Too much.
He swallowed and ran his hands through his hair. Maybe he could still fix this. Maybe he could rein himself in, keep himself from being too much all the time, and he could still keep II.
With a deep breath, he nodded his resolve to himself. He was going to be normal about something for once in his life. He didn’t have any clue how to do that, but he was going to figure it out.
It was either that or lose II.
An hour later II had finally finished his report and came upstairs to shower and change. Vessel almost asked him how he was doing but choked on the words when he reminded himself he wasn’t doing that. He’d asked too many times today.
He wanted to say something, but all he could think of were things he’d said multiple times already. Instead, he just smiled at II and made sure it didn’t wobble.
II smiled back and walked to their closet to get dressed.
In comfortable pants and a soft t-shirt, II sat on the bed next to him.
“Thank you, Ves. For listening. Just the last few days it’s been a little much, and I meant to say something earlier but I wasn’t sure how.”
The last few days? II had been annoyed with him for days?
“I’m sorry,” he managed, still forcing himself to stay steady. II didn’t need to know how much this hurt. It was Ves’s own fault, another way he was just too much.
II’s smile was small, but it seemed genuine. “I know, love. We’re still working this out, living together. We’ll figure it out, yeah?”
Vessel nodded. He didn’t have another choice. He would figure it out, for II. He’d figure out where all his too much was and he’d cut it out, bleed out all his excess so he could love II the right way.
II leaned over and gave him a small kiss. “I love you.”
Vessel swallowed. He loved the charade Vessel had put on the last six months. The pretense that he could contain himself. He didn’t love all of Vessel. No one could.
But he wouldn’t ever say that.
“I love you, too,” he said back instead.
“Is it okay if I lay in here with you for a while?” II asked. “I might take a nap before dinner.”
Vessel nodded. “Yeah, of course. Are you—do you want—” he stopped and made himself breathe. II had specified with him. “Do you want to snuggle, or just lay beside me?”
“No, you don’t need to stop reading for me. I’ll just lay here next to you.”
He did just that before Vessel could respond, laying down and making himself comfortable.
Vessel had barely been able to focus on the book since he initially picked it up an hour ago. His whole being itched to set it aside and to curl up behind II, to hold him and nap with him.
But he refused to let himself, because that would be too much. A normal boyfriend would read their book and let II nap in peace.
So Vessel continued trying to read. He forced his hands to stay on the book lest he reach out to comb his fingers through II’s hair or caress his shoulder or rub his back. II didn’t want touch. He wanted to sleep. Vessel needed to keep his hands to himself, and dammit, he was going to do that.
It was near torture. Vessel almost got up to leave three times before reminding himself that II wanted Ves there with him. He could do this.
II woke up an hour and a half later. Ves had to remember that just because II was awake didn’t mean he could suddenly touch him and kiss him all he wanted. He still had to be normal.
They made dinner together, and Ves was horrified by just how often he wanted to say or do something that he shouldn’t. He was so used to kissing II’s head any time they moved past each other, or brushing his fingers over II’s shoulder or arm, or touching him in some other small way.
Had II been annoyed then, too?
As they ate dinner, Vessel forced his feet to stay underneath him. He wouldn’t seek out II’s feet to play footsie. He didn’t know if that was normal or not, but it wasn’t worth the risk.
Days. II had been annoyed for days.
Vessel found he didn’t have much of an appetite, but he ate as much as he could so he didn’t raise suspicion. Cleaning up was a repeat of cooking, focusing on every single movement so he didn’t accidentally do something stupid.
He was able to relax for a moment in the shower. II had already had one, so he didn’t offer to take another one with Vessel.
After getting out and drying off, Ves brushed his teeth and gave himself a mental pep talk. This afternoon had been so hard because he’d somehow been blindsided by everything that he was finally catching up to him. It would be easier going forward to pay attention and avoid annoying II or being too much. He could still save their relationship.
He nearly panicked that night as II curled up to him in bed. His body was responding to II’s closeness despite his desperate need to calm down. It wasn’t uncommon to go a few days without having sex, and especially with him annoying his boyfriend he certainly didn’t expect II to want anything. He needed to be able to show II that he could be calm and not weird about it.
“I love you, Ves,” II said softly against his throat.
Vessel felt himself shiver. “I love you too.” He held II gently, needing to make sure II could easily move away if he wanted to.
Eventually he was able to get a few hours of sleep.
Every day that passed hurt worse and worse.
He managed to find what he thought was a normal level of loving II. He’d allow himself to ask II how he was doing or how things were going twice per day. He limited himself to three “I love you’s” per day unless he was responding to one of II’s. He had to choose the moments that meant the most to gently touch his shoulder or rub his back, and if a better moment showed itself later then he was just out of luck. He’d wasted it.
Making love was awkward the one night II initiated it. Vessel wasn’t sure how much was too much when it was supposed to be a manifestation of their love. He didn’t know how to ask, either. So he just went with the motions and tried to follow II’s lead.
II seemed happy. He smiled brighter, gave Ves maybe a few more kisses throughout the day. It had to mean he was doing good if II was initiating those kisses and touches more often, right?
It had been a week, and Ves was miserable. He felt like a fraud. He wasn’t what II thought he was in love with. One day he was going to slip, and II would get annoyed again. It would happen over and over again until II finally had enough.
He needed to give it up and admit defeat. But he couldn’t do it. Every time he stopped himself from checking on II made the desire stronger. At this point he just wanted to gather II up from his home office and take him upstairs to just snuggle all day, to whisper in his ear how much he loved him, to dote on him and give him all the things Vessel already knew he didn’t want.
At dinner that night, Vessel once again kept his feet to himself. II hadn’t initiated footsie once, and it made Vessel wonder just how annoying that had been for II. He still didn’t have much of an appetite, but he ate as much as he could.
II talked about his job and how his bosses had been so impressed by his report they were going to ask him to take on more. Ves kept himself from asking too many questions. He was really proud of II; he’d worked hard to get to the position he was in and he’d proven himself several times over. It seemed the bosses were finally starting to realize how amazing he was.
But he didn’t dare express that the way he might have before. He had so many questions, wanted to tell his boyfriend all about how he’d known since he met him that II was going to do great things.
He did ask a few of the most important questions. The ones he knew II would be happy to answer. He kept a tight lid on his enthusiasm. It hurt, especially when he remembered celebrating II getting this job. They’d danced and laughed together, and II had smiled so much that day. Ves hadn’t even tried to contain himself then, and II still loved him.
But then, he’d been able to leave the next morning to get a break from everything Ves was. He’d always been able to leave before. Now he was stuck. Stuck with a partner who annoyed him.
“Ves?”
Vessel looked up from the dish he was washing and into those big blue eyes. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” II asked, his brow slightly furrowed as he dried the dishes Vessel had already cleaned.
Not sure what to say, Vessel nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’m okay.” He wasn’t, but that also wasn’t something II needed to know.
But II pursed his lips. “Are you sure? Have I done anything to upset you recently?”
That time Vessel shook his head as he handed II the newly cleaned plate. “No, not at all.” II had been nothing but perfect. Ves was the problem.
II sighed. Vessel’s gut plummeted. That wasn’t a happy sigh. He was quiet for a second as he rinsed and then dried the plate, then reached over to put it in the cupboard.
Turning back, he looked up at Ves. “Please don’t lie to me, love.”
Ves wracked his brain to think of anything he could have done to make II think he was upset. He thought he’d been being so normal about things.
“I don’t… I don’t understand.” He hated to admit it. His hands trembled as they reached into the warm, soapy water for the next dish.
“Well, it’s just that you… I don’t know how to say this, really, but you’ve been withdrawn recently. Like you don’t talk to me the way you used to. You don’t kiss me or touch me or ask me about my day the way you used to.”
Vessel’s hands stilled on the glass in his hands. He stared at II, so confused. “But I…” he’d been too much before. II had said it himself. He licked his lips and set the glass back down in the water before he could drop it. “I just don’t want to be annoying.” His gut churned. “I thought I was doing better.”
II’s brow furrowed as he stared back, something in his expression that Vessel really didn’t like. He looked pained in a desperate sort of way.
“Ves, baby, did you…” he stopped and swallowed before he took a slow, deep breath. “Can we talk about this?” He set the towel down and turned to fully face Vessel. “Because I think we’re both misunderstanding something big.” He reached out a hand.
Vessel could only nod. He took his hands out of the water and reached over to get a towel to dry them off. Once dried, he put the towel back down and took II’s hand.
II led him back to the table where they sat on either side of a corner, sort of facing each other. II kept Ves’s hand in his, gently stroking his knuckles with his thumb.
“Okay. You said you don’t want to be annoying. Is that from what I said the other day, a little over a week ago?”
Ves nodded again, feeling like he’d messed everything up past the point of saving it this time.
“Are you mad about that? That I said you were annoying me?”
Quickly, Ves shook his head. “No, not at all. I wish you’d said something sooner since you said you’d been annoyed for a few days before then.” Maybe he could have actually fixed it then.
II nodded. “Okay. Will you tell me then why things have changed so much? Why it seems like every single facet of who you are is different?”
Vessel swallowed against nausea threatening to make him lose what little he’d eaten the last few days. He couldn’t look II in the eyes as he answered, his gaze instead on II’s glass of water still on the table. “I wanted to be normal.”
“Normal?” II asked, his brows shooting up his forehead.
He nodded slowly, still unable to look up. “Yeah. I guess I… based on this I maybe… I’m not doing a good job of it, am I?”
II’s huffed laughter was not humorous at all. “Baby, what on earth makes you think you need to change to be normal? I liked our normal.” He squeezed Ves’s hand.
II’s words were a sword through his heart. The last week of hell had been for nothing. He still couldn’t get it right; he went from too much to not enough.
“But I was annoying you.” Vessel had to fight to make certain he didn’t whine. He just truly didn’t understand what he needed to do to be what II wanted.
II groaned. “Yeah, you were a little bit. But that didn’t mean I wanted our love to change.”
He still couldn’t look at II. “But you did. You asked me to stop.” He was going to lose II. There was no avoiding it. He took his hand back and tucked both of his under the table, clasping them together between his knees.
“I asked you to stop checking up on me every five minutes and constantly refilling my tea when I hadn’t even finished my previous cup. How did you even twist that to mean everything?”
He wasn’t ever going to understand, and he could sit here and justify what he thought and why he did what he did, but it wouldn’t ever be enough. He shouldn’t have even tried.
With a halfhearted shrug, Vessel couldn’t hold back tears anymore. He felt torn apart already and the fight hadn’t even really begun yet. “I’m always too much,” he managed. “I thought if I could maybe stop being too much you’d still love me.” He needed to stop thinking things. He was always wrong.
“I do still love you.”
Vessel sniffled. “You won’t. You’ll get sick of me. Everyone does. If I’m not too much then I’m not enough. I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m sorry I tried to be.”
II was silent for a second. When he spoke again, the demand in his voice was harsher than Ves had ever heard out of him before.
“Vessel, look at me.”
Shocked by II’s stern tone, he did.
“What the fuck was that?” He demanded, eyes fierce under a furrowed brow. “What the hell do you mean I’m going to get sick of you? You don’t get to decide that.” He sucked in a deep breath and held both of his hands up, palms out. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, but this last week has really freaked me out, and now you’re telling me that you stopped being the man I fell in love with because you think you get to decide how I feel?”
He hadn’t even yelled, not really. A raised voice wasn’t the same; Ves knew from experience.
“I just want to love you the right way,” Vessel said, trying not to show just how desperate he really was.
“You do love me the right way, Vessel. I love it when you touch me and kiss me and hold me close. I love knowing that you’re thinking of me when you ask how I’m doing. When I’m busy working on a project though, I guess I need a little more space. That report had been eating at me for two weeks. I was impatient for it to be done and maybe I was a little grumpy because of it.”
II ran his fingers through his hair and sighed again. “I’m sorry I made you think I was annoyed at you in general. I could probably have explained myself a little better.”
Vessel shrugged again. He wasn’t sure what to say, what wouldn’t make II more upset. His eyes flicked to II’s hand when he put it out on the table, a request for Ves’s. He gave it to II and fought the urge to hold too tightly.
“I just wanted you to stop for that time that I was working on the report. Once I finished it, you could have started again.” He squeezed Ves’s fingers gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize I needed to tell you that.”
They sat in silence for a few moments as Vessel kept his watery eyes on their hands. He missed II horribly, but he had told himself over and over again that this was better than nothing. He’d rather force himself to touch and kiss and talk less if it meant he didn’t have to leave altogether.
“Will you say something, please?” II asked, his voice pleading.
Clearing his throat, Vessel nodded. His eyes flicked up to II’s for a second before darting back down to their hands. He couldn’t force himself to look up again.
“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “It’s not fair to ask you to tell me how to be… right.”
“Why not?” II squeezed his hand again. “I’m going to ask you to tell me what you need, so why can’t you ask me about what I need?”
“I just need you,” Ves answered automatically. “But you deserve better than me.”
“No, see, that’s bullshit. What I want or deserve isn’t up to you. And what I want is you. I want you the way you were before that stupid report.”
II scooted his chair closer and lifted their hands to kiss Vessel’s fingers. “I love you, Ves. So much. It kinda makes me sick to think you’ve been doing this for a week because of what I said. It’s obviously been hurting you, too.”
Vessel shrugged. “What I want isn’t important.”
II scoffed. “Maybe not to you, but it’s incredibly important to me.”
Ves finally looked up to meet II’s eyes. His first thought was to say that it wasn’t; what he wanted had never been important to anyone, not ever.
Except that wasn’t true. It had been important to II. During the six months they’d been together, II had proven that he was concerned about Ves having things he wanted, that he was interested in Ves’s opinion.
“So please tell me what you need,” II asked.
Another tear dripped down his cheek. “I want to love you,” he said softly. He licked his lips and swallowed before speaking again. “I want to show you how much I love you. To touch you and kiss you and ask about how you’re doing. I want to just… love you. But I… Two, I’ve been told my whole life that I’m too much. I don’t want to be too much for you. I’m really scared this is just the beginning. The report was just the first time I annoyed you, and there’s going to be more.”
II nodded. “There will be more. And I’m going to annoy you sometimes, too, Ves. I can guarantee it. But what I want us to promise each other is that we’ll talk about it. I promise to tell you when I’m feeling irritable, if you’re doing something that gets on my nerves, or whatever else, and I promise to tell you what I need in those moments. But I need you to promise me the same thing back.”
“I don’t understand,” Ves admitted. “You don’t annoy me.”
II scooted a little closer again. “Not right now I don’t, but just with the nature of living together, it will happen someday. Even if it’s just a little bit over something trivial. I still want you to tell me.”
“But you’re—”
II shook his head, interrupting. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, love, but please, just humor me.”
Taking a deep breath, Vessel finally nodded. “Okay, I promise.”
“Thank you. And there’s something else I want you to promise me.” II met his eyes. “I need you to listen closely, because this is important.”
Vessel nodded again. “Okay.”
“I need you to promise me that if I ever say or do anything to make you feel like this again—like you’re too much or you’re doing things wrong—that you’ll tell me. I didn’t know you felt that way, baby. If I’d known I could have reassured you; I could have cleared up that misunderstanding and told you that it was just those few things in that one moment that I was struggling with.”
He wasn’t sure he could actually say something if this happened again. “I promise I’ll try,” he said, hoping it was enough.
II nodded. “Okay, good. And I also promise that if I notice you pulling away from me again I won’t wait a week to ask you if you’re okay.”
He stood up and stepped up close to Ves, hugging him around the shoulders. “I love you so much, baby. I’ve missed you terribly. Please come back to me.”
Vessel hugged him back and nuzzled his face against II’s chest. “I love you too, so damn much.”
II kissed his hair and rested his cheek against the top of his head. “We’ll be okay, baby. Please try to remember that I really do love all the little ways you love me. All the random little kisses and touches throughout the day, asking how I’m doing, saying you love me just because you want to. You’re the first partner I’ve had that has given me those little things and I had no idea what I’d been missing. I really want them back.”
Vessel swallowed hard and nodded against II’s chest. “I do, too.” He squeezed II a little harder. “I’m sorry.”
II kissed his head again. “It’s okay. I think I understand why you stopped. Either way, I’m glad we had this conversation. Thank you for talking to me.”
“Thank you for bringing it up.” Even though he’d been beyond convinced that II was going to break up with him and demand he leave the house. He knew better now, and it was worth that little bit of terror to be on the other side of it where he gets to keep II.
II finally pulled back and famed Vessel’s face with his hands. He gently wiped away tears from his wet cheeks and leaned in to give him a soft kiss. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
With a sweet nuzzle to Ves’s nose, II pulled away and tugged on Ves’s hand to get him to stand up with him. “Let’s go finish cleaning up, then I want to go snuggle with you. And I want all the little kisses and everything you’ve kept from me the last week.”
Ves looked down at him with a huff. “I don’t think you know what you’re asking for.” If he were to try to catch up on everything he’d kept hidden, he’d literally smother II.
II grinned up at him. “I think I know exactly what I’m asking for.” He tugged Ves’s hand again. “Come on. We have a lot of love to catch up on.”