Chapter Text
Buck is nervous. His stomach is doing flip flops that have synced with the approaching rotor blades - seemingly speeding up as the sound grows louder. He is sweating beneath his turnouts. His breathing hitches as the skids make contact with the pavement. His name is called over the cacophony of chaos drawing his focus back to the accident scene. The task at hand that should have his full focus. He’s trying to remain professional. He is trying to remain calm. It’s been months. He shouldn’t be this nervous about a potential work related meeting. He shouldn’t be excited either.
“What have we got?” A familiar voice asks, not the one he wanted to hear but not an unwelcome one. Hen relays the details to Lucy as Buck helps wheel the stretcher towards the waiting helicopter. Buck smiles inwardly, if Lucy Donato is here then Tommy most certainly is waiting for her and their patient in the pilot’s seat. He tries his best not to sprint towards the helicopter. A quick hello and a smile isn’t going to magically fix things between him and Tommy. It’s really not the place to ask about making a time to catch up. Would Tommy even agree to that? Will Buck even get a smile - a smile he has missed more than he thought possible - it’s not like he’s tried to reach out to Tommy. Maybe Tommy is seeing someone else. Oh God, that hurts to even think about. Maybe Buck is getting all worked up for nothing and he won’t even get any acknowledgment. Buck is certain the type of interaction he gets in the next few moments will determine whether he has a second, third, whatever, chance at making things work with Tommy.
Buck helps lift the patient into the helicopter, looking over Lucy’s shoulder, he readies himself to finally see Tommy. Only to have his heart drop into his stomach as a stranger stares back at him.
“Lucy!” Buck yells over the noise of the blades. “Where’s Tommy?” He asks without remorse, watching as several emotions play out across Lucy’s face. She opens and closes her mouth several times before finally offering a short and sad “Not here, and why do you care?” She slides the door close and Buck is forced to move away, shielding his eyes as dirt is flicked up by the helicopter taking off. Buck watches the helicopter as it retreats, wondering what the hell Lucy meant and where Tommy was. A sinking feeling settles in, turning his stomach and worst case scenarios begin flooding his mind.
Buck sits in the engine on the way back to their station in anguished silence. Where is Tommy? Why did Lucy look equal parts sad and angry when he asked? He opens his phone to look at the last message exchange he had with Tommy, instantly feeling guilty when he sees the two messages he never replied to. Tommy asked to talk and Buck just can’t even remember reading the message, he would have jumped at the chance to talk to him. A horrible memory surfaces. A memory of him, alone, crying himself to the point of exhaustion and promising himself he will reply to the long awaited message when he had pulled himself together. Only to fall asleep. Present day Buck is kicking himself. God damn it, has he ever fucked up so big since he put his foot in his mouth in Eddie’s kitchen – inadvertently telling Tommy he didn’t have feelings for him. Buck groans at his idiocy.
“What’s up Buckaroo?” Hen asks over the headset, more wonder than concern in her voice.
“Where do you think Tommy was today? He always works with Lucy.” Buck asks, staring at the forgotten message. Wishing he could go back in time and reply. Or go back further and shut his mouth that last morning they had together.
“Probably having a day off. Why does it matter?” Eddie interrupts drawing Buck’s attention from his phone, irritation at him inserting himself thrums through Buck’s body.
“Tommy doesn’t take days off, he picks up shifts. More than he probably should.” Buck defends sharper than he intended, satisfied when Eddie throws his hands up in surrender and sits back.
“There could be a lot of reasons he wasn’t there today Buck.” Hen tries to calm the tension. “Maybe it was their scheduled day off but Lucy picked up a shift. Maybe he swapped with a co-worker who asked. Maybe he is sick. Maybe he switched shifts since you talked to him last. There could be so many reasons, why are you looking so concerned about it? You aren’t even dating him anymore.” She asks not unkindly.
“I, I don’t know. The way Lucy answered me, it made it feel like it was something more. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong.” Buck answers as he is met with an eye roll and shakes of the head.
“Why does it matter? You aren’t dating anymore Buck.” Chim adds turning around to look at Buck.
“He’s your friend as well, aren’t you even a little concerned?” Buck shoots back, he would have thought Chim might have been on his side with this. Tommy helped save his life, surely Chim would want to know Tommy is ok.
“Buck, you don’t even know why he wasn’t there. Don’t you think you should find out that first before you send up the flares? Why are you getting so worked up?” Chim turns back around, seemly uninterested in a reply from Buck.
Buck stops for a moment, he has no reason to worry that something is wrong with Tommy. Not really. He wasn’t working with someone he normally works with but how many times has Buck worked without Eddie back when they were close? How many times has he worked without Ravi recently for one benign reason or another lately. He really shouldn’t be worried about Tommy.
But the look Lucy gave him, the way she snapped, set off warning alarms in his mind that he was missing something crucial.
Buck opened his phone again and started to type out a message before deleting it and taking off his headset. He dialled Tommy’s number and pressed the phone to his ear, needing to hear Tommy’s voice to ease his worry. It didn’t ring.
“Hey you’ve reached Tommy Kinard.” Buck hangs up immediately.
“Fuck.” He mutters under his breath trying to convince himself that this isn’t an ominous sign. His inner voice won’t shut up about how he is lying to himself again. That something is wrong.
Buck is sitting at the table - the table he finally found where he belonged - alone, in the dark. Staring at his phone, willing Tommy to call him back. He tried calling several times since they returned from the accident and seeing Lucy. Lucy but not Tommy, the unhelpful voice in his head adds. Every time he called it went straight to voicemail, Buck even tried sending a message or two all without answer. All showing up in green rather than blue. It added to his worry. Which made him toss and turn in his bunk, getting him kicked out of the room because he was keeping everyone awake. So now he sits alone at a table that no longer feels like home, waiting for a call that deep down he knows isn’t coming.
The worry wears at him until he throws caution to the wind and dials another number.
“-ello?” The sleepy voice comes through before Buck has a chance to change his mind.
“Why wasn’t Tommy there today?” Buck asks his knee bouncing with anticipation and anxiety.
“What?”
“Why wasn’t Tommy working with you today?” Buck asks again.
“Buckley?” Lucy asks and Buck can hear sheets rustle and a voice murmuring to shut it.
“I know you two always work together. I know you work the same 24 hour shift as I do on Thursday & Friday. So where was Tommy today?” Buck asks his voice growing louder as his anxiety screams at him something is wrong.
“I’m not doing this Buckley. Especially on the phone. Don’t call me again when the suns not up.” Lucy grumpily answers before hanging up on him. Buck tries to call her back straight away only to be sent to her voicemail.
“Fuck!” Buck exclaims slamming his fist against the table. He needs a straight answer and the several hours left of his shift is going to drive him insane.
“You ok Buck?” Ravi asks quietly taking a seat at the table startling Buck. When did Ravi learn to move so quietly?
“Yea-, no actually.” Buck says putting his head in his hands. “I know I have no reason to be so worried, or any right to know where Tommy is. But I can’t help but feel. Feel.” Buck trails off, waiting to be ridiculed for his feelings.
“Not to be an asshole but could Tommy just not want to talk to you?” Ravi asks as softly as he can but he slightly recoils when Buck’s head snaps up at the question. “I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down but it’s been months since you guys saw each other. Could he have moved on?”
“Yeah. It’s probably the case but I. I don’t know and my brain isn’t good at the not knowing. I just need to be sure he is ok. Even. Even if it means he is ok without me.” Buck slumps in his seat.
“But you want him to still need you? Because you still need him or because it feels good to have someone need you?” Ravi asks, his voice calm and possessing more wisdom than Buck has given him credit for.
“Because I’ve never stopped caring about him. Because I miss him and how he likes me for who I am. For how he makes me want to be completely myself when I’m with him.” Buck replies honestly. “Mostly I want to know if I can fix what I broke because, because.”
“Because you’re in love with him.” Ravi finishes for Buck. It wasn’t a question but a statement.
“Yeah I am. I never told him. And I. I need to apologise for not telling him how I feel. For messing everything up.” Buck rubs at his eyes hoping Ravi doesn’t see the tears that started to form.
“Give me his number.” Ravi says pulling his phone out. “I’ll call him and see if he picks up, at least if he does we will know one way or the other.” Passing his phone to Buck, Ravi accepts his phone back and puts it to his ear.
“Straight to voicemail. So we can assume it’s not just you he isn’t talking to.” Ravi offers a small smile and continues to listen. He redials the number and places his phone on the table, Tommy’s voice comes through tugging at Buck’s emotions again.
“Hey you’ve reached Tommy Kinard. I’m not reachable most days so if you are in need of a time sensitive favour I can’t help. If this can wait leave a message and I’ll get back to you ASAP but I can’t promise when that will be.”
“So he’s not ignoring you. He’s just somewhere unreachable.” Ravi says locking his phone and pocketing it.
“Where wouldn’t he be reachable? We are in LA for christ sake.” Buck asks feeling a little lighter that he isn’t specifically being shut out but the nagging voice that something isn’t right won’t stay quiet.
“Have you asked Lucy? Or anyone else at his station?” Ravi offers. Buck relaxes a little more, it’s nice to have someone offer him suggestions or help rather than snide comments and eye rolls.
“I called Lucy just before you came out here. She told me never to call her again when the sun isn’t up. I woke her up and she hung up on me.” Buck admits sheepishly.
“So, go see her when we get off shift. She can’t hang up on you then.” Ravi shrugs like it is the only sensible solution.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s a great idea. Thanks. Thanks for talking to me about this. I know I can be a lot and that I haven’t really stopped talking about Tommy since I met him. But. Yeah I appreciate it.” Buck shrinks into himself waiting for a comment about how he should be happy someone actually listened to him. Or how he shouldn’t speak about Tommy after this.
“Of course. It’s what friends are for right? Get some sleep Buck, go see Lucy after work and find out for sure what’s happening. I’m sure it’s going to be fine.” Ravi smiles as he stands and claps a hand on Buck’s shoulder.
“Ye-yeah. Thanks man.” Buck can feel tears starting to well in his eyes again and he drops his gaze, thankful that Ravi has moved back towards the bunk room already. He has a plan, he has been heard about his concerns and not mocked. He feels better than he did but now he needs the ability to speed up time. The end of shift can’t come soon enough.
~
Buck pulls up at the Harbor station, getting out of his car takes a pep talk and two failed starts to even open the car door. He walks towards to door before turning on the spot and walking back to his car - immediately telling himself to get in there and find out what he needs to know - has him looking like an indecisive mad man.
“Why are you here Buckley?” Lucy asks walking towards Buck, her bag slung over one shoulder and her arms crossed over her chest. Animosity shooting at him and electrifying the air around him.
“Lucy I need to know why Tommy wasn’t working yesterday. Why he’s not finishing up his shift right now with you.” Buck says, his tired eyes imploring Lucy to tell him.
“I promised I wouldn’t say anything but.” She answers running a hand through her hair and deflates before Buck’s eyes. “Tommy reenlisted in the army. So he is wherever we’ve started a war recently.”
“What? Really?” Buck asks shocked, his heart dropping at the thought of Tommy in danger.
“No, not really.” Lucy replies a smug look on her face but Buck is relieved Tommy is safe. Safer than he would be if he was in a war zone at least.
“Where is he?” Buck asks again, more patiently than he believed he could be right now.
“On maternity leave. Congrats you’re gonna be a daddy.”
“Lucy! Seriously where is he?”
“I think he got abducted by aliens, or was it the Men in Black? Pretty sure one of the guys looked like Tommy Lee Jones.”
“Please. Lucy. I need to know.”
“Fine. He got fired.”
“Ha ha very funny. Where the hell is he?”
“I’m being serious. He got fired, he moved out of state.”
“What!?”
“Yeah you and your friends got a pat on the back and a get back to work after that lab fiasco. Tommy got the boot for stealing a helicopter again. And no matter how much all his current co-workers vouched for his character and his record, without any of the 118 there to back him up the brass tossed him out of the LAFD. No second chances, no retirement package, no pension. Just a get out and don’t come back. It really goes to show how self-centred the 118 is. You lot drag Tommy into your mess and leave him to take the brunt of the higher up’s wrath.” Lucy is all but yelling by the time she is done, shaking her head she turns and stomps towards her car.
Buck is speechless. He had no idea. The sudden realisation of Tommy’s need to talk and that message that sits on his phone – unreplied – hits Buck hard. His knees feel weak, the ambient sounds go silent, his body wants to give up holding him upright, he stumbles, taking a couple of large strides he quickly catches up to Lucy. She must sense him as she turns around quickly, hitting him with her bag. Buck takes the hit, feeling like it’s the least he deserves.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me? Tell us?” Buck asks as the guilt chokes his words, the lump in his throat making it harder to breathe.
“Tommy reached out to all of you, no one replied to him. After all the help he has given, at the drop of a hat, did he really have to say that his job was on the line for anyone to answer his ask for help?” Lucy demands essentially digging the knife deeper into Buck’s heart.
“He asked to talk, I was a mess over Bobby. I was talking Chim down from his survivors guilt, trying not to be beaten up by Eddie for not doing enough to save Bobby.” Buck tries to explain. “I meant to get back to him, I just. I was barely surviving Lucy, but if I knew.”
“He didn’t tell you he was going before the disciplinary board?” Lucy asks, her tone softening. “Fucking martyr.” She mumbles under her breath and shakes her head. “I am sorry about Bobby, about what you went through after he died. I know how much it hurt me, I can’t imagine what if felt like for you. But I am still going to hold some resentment for losing my work partner. He risked his life and his job more than once. It’s lucky he wasn’t arrested and sent to prison, yet none of your team even checked on him after the funeral. Or even after you broke up. That’s kinda shitty behaviour from friends, isn’t it?” Lucy asks looking as if she doesn’t need an answer from Buck. The softness having turned harder once again.
Buck takes what she says and just nods. “Yeah I get it. We messed up. I messed up. I should have jumped at the chance to talk to him, I should have checked on him.” Buck might just kick himself until the day he dies that he didn’t respond.
“No. Ok maybe. I don’t know. But Tommy also should have said he needed help. You can’t be expected to know what he wanted to talk to you about. It’s a mess. You’re both messes. Neither of you are very good at communicating with each other. With everyone else you both manage. But when it’s between the two of you. You both suck.” Lucy stated tiredly, giving Buck the impression she knew all about the ups and downs he and Tommy have had.
“I hate that I couldn’t or didn’t help him. I need to make it up to him. I need to see him, to talk to him. To fix. To fix this if I can. I lo-, I miss him Lucy. Please. Please tell me where he is.” Buck is ready to get on his knees and beg if it helps his case.
Lucy sighs deeply and pulls out her phone. “I shouldn’t tell you anything about him. I should let you all suffer the consequences of your indifference towards him. But I’m not heartless. I don’t know where he is living exactly but I’ve sent you an address that will help you find - oomph.”
Buck wraps her into a hug before she’s fully stopped talking, holding onto her with all the hope he has of making things right with Tommy. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” He murmurs against her head.
“I need to breathe Buck.” She says pushing Buck off her playfully. “When you find him, tell him something for me? Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass for lying about asking all of you for help. And….. that I miss working with him.”
“Of course. Anything else?” Buck asks feeling lighter than he has in months.
“Yeah. If he doesn’t want to see you, let him go Buck. It won’t do either of you any good to drag this out any longer.” Lucy adds somewhat mournfully. Breaking Buck’s heart in the process. He never once’s stopped to think that Tommy wouldn’t want to see him. That Tommy might be resentful for losing his job, while Buck and the rest of the 118 got to do what they loved.
“Is he. Does he hate me?” Buck’s voice sounds scared and childlike even to his own ears, he doesn’t really want an answer to that but he needs it.
“No. I think he loves you, which makes it harder every time you give him hope that you’re going to stick around.” Lucy turns to leave, shouting a good luck over her shoulder.
“He’s the one who keeps leaving me though.” Buck mutters, running a hand down his face. He may have a lead on finding Tommy but will Buck be welcomed when he finally tracks him down?
Buck returns to his car and immediately googles the address Lucy sent him. It looks to be an empty field somewhere in Wyoming. Buck wonders if Lucy has given him a random address to see whether he would actually put in the effort to track Tommy down. He could almost see her doing it too, the anger in her words was cutting but deserved. Buck hits on contact in his list and puts his phone to his ear.
“What’s up?” Chim answers brusquely “Nononononono Jee you can’t pick your brother up.” Buck hears him say before he has a chance to answer. “Sorry. Jee thinks her brother is just like a baby doll. What did you need Buck?”
“Do you remember getting a message from Tommy after Bo-, after the funeral?” Buck asks, not sure why he is asking, Lucy already told him no one replied to Tommy, but he is suddenly nervous to tell Chim why he really called.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Why?” Chim asks distractedly.
“Can you check?” Buck hits back. Chim sighs loudly and Buck doesn’t hear anything for a moment.
“Yeah he did.” Chim finally replies. “Why does it matter?”
“What did it say?” Buck asks growing increasingly frustrated.
“Something about he’s around if I need to talk and then a few days after that asked for my help with something. Didn’t say what. Happy now?” Chim’s annoyance feeds into Buck’s anger at himself and his team.
“Did you ever reply to find out what he needed help with?” Buck tries to sound calm but the grip on his phone will likely crack it if he doesn’t relax.
“No. What is going on? Why am I being interrogated about my interactions with Tommy?” Chim demands and Buck can imagine him standing with a hand on hip looking stern - exactly how he is when Jee won’t go to bed, it doesn’t intimidate her and it doesn’t intimidate Buck.
“Look I’m going to take my leave as of next shift. A week to start with but maybe two.” Buck is going to chase down this lead, even if it’s a wild goose chase that Lucy is sending him on.
“What? You can’t. I can’t get cover for you that soon, whatever it is you will have to postpone.” Chim quickly replies.
“I’m not asking Captain. I’m informing you I will be on leave. We have two days before our next shift, that’s plenty of time to find cover. I’ll let you know in a few days if I need more than the week. Thanks.” Buck quickly hangs up the phone before Chim can argue with him further. He ignores the call from his acting captain as he purchases a ticket for the next flight to Wyoming. With that secured he heads home to pack and figure out how he is going to make his way to the address in the middle of nowhere. He also needs to find a way to get Tommy’s job back and how to beg for forgiveness. That’s like four things, should be easy. He rolls his eyes at himself, time travelling back before this whole situation became messed up would probably be easier.