Work Text:
Song title comes from Better Than This by Lizzy McAlpine
Snowflakes plopped onto the windshield of her car as Eden arrived in front of the cozy cottage, willing herself to duck out of the warmth of her sapphire blue range rover. She felt fidgety in a way that had become familiar to her in these past couple of months and she tapped her fingers rhythmically against the leather of the steering wheel to will away any nerves. With one last deep exhale, she turned over the key in the ignition and grabbed her small suitcase from the passenger seat, stepping out into the frigid temperatures. Snow and sludge crunched underneath her boots as she trudged through the wintry terrain to arrive at the door to the cabin that her twin sister Atlas had surprisingly booked for a 3 day stay. Eden's sister was a lot of things; capable, self-sufficient, and brave, but kind and willing to seek out human interaction weren't any of them. She secretly wondered if anyone else had assisted her sister in the unsuspected plans; perhaps Shreya, who was good at figuring things out on a time crunch. Or maybe.. she stopped herself immediately, filing away any and all thoughts of what would have been about Beckett Harrington, Eden's ex. He was sweet and so patient after everything that happened, defeating Kane and figuring out that her mother was actually alive, and it all became too much. Sweet curdled in her stomach and patience frustrated her, and she soon couldn't stand to be around Beckett at all anymore. She had wanted to be amicable with him after she got over her feelings, but he refused to talk to her after their split, and he could barely even look at her these days. Eden supposed she had deserved his bitterness and indifference, but it didn't mean that seeing his scowl everytime she spoke around him didn't hurt any less. The group had become awkward after the breakup, every other party an unwilling participant in the Eden and Beckett show, and she soon started pulling away from everyone else too little by little.
She supposed this trip was meant to be a reset for everything that had occurred in the last 6 months, but as Eden dragged her suitcase up the stairs and knocked on the door, she knew that it would take a bit more than just this rendezvous. The door swung open to reveal her sister, and Eden felt her shoulders slump with relief, brushing past her to enter the inside of the cottage, which was much warmer than it was outside.
"Zeph and Griffin are in the kitchen talking and Shreya is in en route." Atlas had pointedly not mentioned Beckett or his impending arrival, and some part of Eden hoped that he wasn't coming at all, but she knew that was wishful thinking. She followed her twin to the kitchen, who instructed her to leave her suitcase propped near the entrance so it would be easier to grab when sleeping arrangements were figured out, and she complied before sitting down next to Zeph, who knocked his shoulder into hers in a friendly greeting. Eden felt safe, comfortable, as she talked with the men about their upcoming Thief season and what to expect when training began. They were champions, but even champions needed to work hard to keep that status, which is what she planned to do. Thief took her mind off the stress that was plaguing her life momentarily, especially any thoughts of Beckett that might still be lingering. Eden didn't think of him as often anymore despite seeing him everyday, and she had more or less mastered the art of not crying whenever his indifference stretched over her bones like a second skin. She was really trying to move on, she was trying so hard that it made her feel her worn down in a way she hadn't felt ever in what felt like an eternity away.. not since Hartford university.
"Are you alright?" She felt a warm hand lay over her forearm, and she was brought back to the present and into Griffin's dark but kind eyes. Eden didn't see herself reflected differently in his warm irises, but she knew that she was changed, changed forever in a way she never expected to be, and it made her insides twist into an ugly and gnarled thing.
"Yeah sorry.. I just didn't really sleep great last night." Eden had grown used to lying now about these trivial things, hoping she didn't seem as exposed as she felt. She didn't want anyone to worry about her, so she compartmentalized each and every feeling that she had and prayed she would be able to face them whenever the time came. She was sure she was convincing no one with her lies, but Griffin just gave her a sympathetic look and squeezed her arm before withdrawing and continuing his conversation with Zeph, who she felt watching her out of her peripheral vision. She opened her mouth to speak, but a knock at the front door stopped her and she swiveled her head to look in the direction of where Atlas was traveling to open it, welcoming another familiar part of their friend group. Beckett looked posh in a gray sweater and dark wash jeans, a black blazer bulging over his muscles as he carried his suitcase inside, snow falling onto the floor with every step he took.
"Hey man!" Griffin greeted him with an easygoing grin, but Eden remained rigid in her chair as he approached closer and closer to the kitchen, his scent curling around her, longing sticking to her intestines like a bead of sweat to her hairline. She saw Zeph's mouth moving, but the blood rushing in her ears muted the sound altogether, and she would be left to wonder whatever it was that he said until the desire to know escaped her.
"Good afternoon, Eden." His voice had barely registered within her brain, and she blinked at him owlishly for several seconds before swallowing and waving pathetically at him, ducking her head to look at the placemat on the table that suddenly captured her interest on a whim. Beckett shrugged past her and fell into the seat unoccupied on Zeph's left, almost completely diagonal to where she was sitting. Eden's sweater felt too hot around her collar all the sudden, and she placed her fingers around the wooly material and tugged it away from her skin, giving her some momentary relief.
"Shreya is a few minutes away so we're gonna go over arrangements now. I get my own room for obvious reasons, Shreya has requested her own room, Zeph and Griffin will share a room, and Eden and Beckett.." The words had been replaced with a high pitched buzzing sound, and Eden couldn't help but look in Beckett's direction, seeing the helpless expression on his face that she was sure was mirrored on her own. She could be around him in brief intervals, and she could pretend to smile at him and reassure herself that this feeling would go away, but she could not share a space with him for 3 days, she couldn't.
"Umm are these set in stone? Because I don't think it's going to work for me and my.. partner." Eden said through gritted teeth, and Atlas looked at her with a raised eyebrow, both a question and a challenge, and deep down she knew she wouldn't win this battle. She slumped back in her chair in defeat, and prayed that this trip would go by fast.
Later that night after Shreya had finally arrived and they had all unpacked, everyone sat crowded in the living room, open alcoholic beverages and discarded cups littering the floor. Most of them were 21 now (save for her and Atlas) but Eden still knocked back liquor shot after liquor shot, willing herself to forget everything that she could in that moment.
"This is a new and different experience.. but I'm glad it's with all of you." Shreya was pretty drunk herself, and not many of them knew what she was referring to in their own alcohol riddled minds, but Eden still squeezed her best friends hand in support regardless, feeling like it was the right thing to do.
"Should we play a game?" Zeph suggested, and Eden swallowed at what that might entail. Her friend was a wild card and on any normal day she would have embraced that, but mixing drinking with any sort of game was bound to have disastrous consequences, and she couldn't help but slide her gaze over to Beckett, who she found was already looking at her. She felt a shiver race down her spine as she looked away from him quickly, unsure of how to proceed.
"I'm down with a game." Atlas surprised everyone by saying, and she shrugged her shoulders when she was met with apprehensive looks. Murmurs of agreement broke out around her and Eden had to resist the urge to groan as Zeph's face split into a grin.
"So many possibilities.. but there's only one that keeps coming back to my mind. Truth or dare!" Eden rolled her eyes as soon as the words left her friends lips, and she was ready to back out promptly before a voice stopped her dead in her tracks.
"I think that's a fine idea." Beckett's speech was slightly slurred, and his British accent was more prominent whenever he wasn't sober, but everyone was shocked nonetheless that he agreed. He wasn't a person that enjoyed drinking or having fun like this, and Eden wondered then if he had changed just as much as she had in the past 6 months.
"Since you agreed first, you get to go first. So Beckett, make your choice." Zeph said around a mouthful of drink, swallowing thickly before leaning forward conspiratorially. Beckett looked around the circle, his eyes dragging over everyone else before swiftly landing on Eden, his gaze pinning her down in place.
"Eden.." Her name on his tongue sounded heavy but familiar, and she tried not to think about all the times she had made him sound like that in the privacy of their dorm rooms. "Truth or dare?" The question was simple, but there was so much weight behind the question, and Eden felt herself grow more scared as the seconds crawled by.
"Truth." She had chosen the safe choice, the default choice, but somehow Eden knew Beckett wouldn't make it so easy for her. He bit his lip as his eyes bore into hers, her skin growing more and more heated under his intense gaze, and she felt like she would burst into flames on the spot.
"When was the last time you truly loved someone?" The question was sobering, a bucket of cold water doused into her face, and suddenly she didn't feel like playing anymore. Eden looked at him and he looked back, expectant, waiting.. and something else she couldn't decipher, and she was pissed. Pissed at him for putting her on the spot like this, pissed at him for doubting her affections for him, but she was most pissed at herself for making him feel like she had never loved him at all.
"6 months ago." Eden's answer was short and simple, but it might as well have been a bomb landing directly in the middle of the living room floor. 6 months ago, the last time she had been in Beckett's dorm room, his eyes shining with unshed tears as he pleaded with her to tell him what he could do to make her let him in again, what he could do to make her love him again like she used to. She didn't have the answers for him then, but she knew now why that situation had played out the way that it did, but she couldn't go back to that time, too afraid of what waited for her there if she tried. The group descended into an awkward silence, but eventually, they regained their footing. All sorts of dares and truths were revealed; Shreya admitted to shoplifting more than once, Atlas had to eat a horrendous concoction of mayonnaise, pickles, and lard, Griffin had to streak naked from the front door to the big oak tree closest to the house in 30 seconds, Zeph revealed how he had found out he was aromantic, and then it was finally Eden's turn.
"Beckett. Truth or dare?" Everyone watched with bated breath as Eden stared daggers through him, and he finished off his drink before sitting up straighter, looking back at her with defiance.
"Truth." The weight of the word was heavy, but Eden just smiled at the challenge. She pretended to think long and hard about what she was going to ask, her eyes sweeping across everyone else in the living room before landing back on him.
"When was the last time you got laid?" That question was one that most of them weren't expecting, confusion crossing most of their faces as they pondered why that would matter. But Eden knew why it was relevant, and apparently, so did Beckett by the way his jaw clenched at the question.
"A few weeks ago." His answer was just as short and simple and everything fell quiet. A muscle ticked underneath Beckett's eye as his gaze never left Eden's, and the tension within the room was palpable. Atlas cleared her throat and clapped her hands together, severing the spell for the time being.
"We should uh, probably start cleaning up and getting to bed. Shreya wants to go sledding tomorrow while it's still early." Everyone silently mumbled and began cleaning up their messes, with Eden and Beckett remaining behind in the living room as everyone else tapered off to their bedrooms. She didn't look at him as she collected her bottles in her hands, walking them over to the nearest trash can and dropping them inside with a resounding clatter, but she felt Beckett's eyes on her back, searing through the material of her knitted sweater like a serrated blade.
"Do you wanna explain what that was?" Beckett questioned after the silence continued to stretch further and further between them. Eden didn't look at him, offering him a half hearted shrug before taking a deep breath to steady herself.
"You decided to play dirty, so I did too." Eden replied, and he scowled at the answer she provided him, unsatisfied and aggravated in every way that mattered.
"We're supposed to be broken up.." Beckett trailed off, the words sticking in his throat as he willed them to unlodge themselves from his esophagus, and Eden just stared at him.
"We are, just because you fucked me in the lost and found for the millionth time doesn't mean that anything has changed. We're nothing past that impulsive moment anymore, you've made that abundantly clear." Eden's voice had a sharp edge to it, and she winced internally at how his expression faltered slightly before returning to his look of caged resignation, something she was all too familiar with at this point.
"If I remember correctly, you came onto me." Beckett pointed out, rolling his eyes at the expression she made at his statement. Eden hardly thought it mattered who initiated what and when, but she was always going to be caught in this dance with him, everything between them an unwritten competition even more so now than before. She wanted to hate him, but she knew deep down that she never really could, no amount of change would erase Beckett Harrington and the mark he had left on her heart.
"Who cares?" Eden was exasperated and felt her eyes growing moist, and she pressed her fingers tightly into her eyelids to push the sensation back into her irises. Her head was pounding and her body felt hot, but she doubted the latter could be chalked up to the alcohol running through her veins at that very moment. She felt lightheaded all of the sudden, swaying on the balls of her feet as she gripped the couch arm to steady herself. She felt a strong arm grab her underneath the arm, holding her upright. Eden knew without opening her eyes that it was Beckett, still wanting to look out for her even after things had became so strange, so distant between them.
"I.." Eden trailed off, not even knowing where to begin with her drunken rant or speech or whatever she thought it was. There was so much she wanted to say, so many things she wanted to apologize for, but she felt trapped within herself and had for the last 6 months. She was hardly a person anymore, a husk of the vibrant and optimistic girl that she once was, and she wondered for the millionth time how she had been blessed with such precious powers, had been deserving of such an incredible and patient group of people who loved her just as she was. It all became too much, and she wrenched her arm out of his grasp and backed up on unsteady feet.
"Why do you always do this? You're so infuriating!" Beckett's voice sliced through her, cutting deep into the marrow that resided in her bone structure. She opened and closed her mouth, shocked by the outburst. Beckett was usually the calm and collected one of the two of them; he had a way of bringing her back to herself when her mind tended to stray. He had been one of the first people who made Penderghast feel like home to her, despite their unpleasantness in the beginning. He had taken her in the same way she had done for him, waiting at the end of a hard day with a hug and a delicate kiss to the center of her forehead. He had reassured her, he had loved her, and she had thrown it all away. Shame was the only feeling that didn't seem to elude her, and she hated herself deeply for it.
"I.. I don't know. I'm really trying not to but I just.. can't." It was the first time Eden had admitted it out loud, that she had no idea what she was doing anymore, and it felt good to release, even though neither of them would likely remember this conversation in this morning. She felt very small all of the sudden, like she was a child being scolded for being petulant one too many times. Beckett slowly crossed the room to stand in front of her, holding up his hands in front of him as if she were a frightened animal that would run away at any semblance of sound, and she almost laughed at the action and how ridiculous it was, even though she knew deep down she was constantly in a state of fight or flight now so she probably would.
"I was so angry at you for leaving me, I struggled for months trying to understand it all. But I don't want to feel this way anymore about you. I just want us to be.." Beckett trailed off, not really knowing what adjective he wanted to use. They were past the point of a regular friendship now and both of them knew it but there was an internal struggle present for both of them that couldn't be fixed by a relationship.
"Equals?" Eden didn't know why that specific word stuck out to her so much, but it felt like the right fit based off of what they had gone through together, and Beckett smiled at her, the first genuine smile he had given her in months.
"Equals.. I like the sound of that." Beckett's smile was contagious, and she couldn't help but smile back at him. He had told her once that she could outshine the sun if she wanted to, and Eden always thought that had been about her smile. But standing with him now, in the low light of the living room in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, she knew that he simply meant it about her presence.
Things became easier over that three day trip, and when they returned to Penderghast, everything felt like it had before. But stepping back into this world reminded her of everything she was trying to forget, so Eden had volunteered to go back to the cabin until they were mandated to come back to school, and everyone left her to her own devices. It wasn't a question that Beckett was coming with her, and they sat within the cabin now, the TV playing some Christmas movie she vaguely remembered being allowed to watch at the orphanage she grew up in.
"You've really never watched Home Alone before? Do they not have tv in England?" Despite not really being familiar with the movie herself due to years passing between when she first saw it to now, Eden knew the basics at least. Beckett however had never heard of the movie at all, and there were several holiday movies he was unfamiliar with. Beckett shrugged and continued reading his book, his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. She allowed herself a moment to admire his side profile, his nose a perfect curve and his eyelashes so long they put even hers to shame. Beckett Harrington was beautiful, but he wasn't hers to admire, not anymore, so she begrudgingly pulled her eyes away from him and settled them back onto the movie.
"Are you hungry? I could whip us up something in the kitchen." Beckett's voice startled her after sitting in silence for so long, and Eden swallowed the feeling as she shook her head. He put the book down on the table and placed his glasses on top of it and made his way to the kitchen to rummage around for something quick and easy to make for lunch. They had stopped off in the small grocery store located at the edge of town to stock up for their extended stay, and they were met with strange looks all throughout the store. Eden was good at suppressing her aura in the normal world, and the cold was helping make the task a bit easier, but she was sure she still had that strange golden aura following her like a second shadow no matter what she did to distract from it. She was irritable and felt herself scrambling to be anything but, and she hoped that he would be understanding of her surly mood.
“Beckett?” Eden hated how small her voice sounded as she called out for him, and he was immediately turning around to face her, his boyish features softened with nothing but concern. She touched the tip of her tongue to the sharpest canine point in her mouth, a nervous habit she had acquired after everything had happened, and she wondered foolishly why she was so nervous all of the sudden.
“Thank you.” She couldn't think of anything else to say, and she felt really lame and annoying for interrupting his task at hand, but the way he smiled at her proved that he didn't mind the distraction. Eden turned to face the movie once more and Beckett went back to preparing them lunch, and it felt like they were suspended in time, nothing else mattering outside these 4 wooden walls. She allowed herself to be comforted by the thought, even if it was fleeting.
After dinner and dessert that night, Eden was laying on one end of the couch, her feet curled underneath her as she watched A Christmas Story, never one of her favorite Christmas movies but it was enough to pass the time. Beckett occupied the other end of the couch, his head buried in the book he had been reading earlier that afternoon, and she allowed herself to sneak another small peek at him. With his glasses on, he looked so much younger, a version of himself that she hadn't had the chance to meet yet and the thought made an ache spread throughout her chest. She cleared her throat and blinked rapidly before poorly mimicking a person watching a movie, her mind far away from the adventures of Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB gun.
“Not enjoying the movie?” Beckett's voice surprised her, and she realized with a start that her eyebrows were creased and she probably wore a scowl. Eden tended to disappear into her thoughts a lot, and tonight was so different. She lifted her fingers to smooth down the lines in her forehead and offered him a shrug, pretending yet again. All she did now was pretend, and she was growing tired of it.
“It's never really been my favorite Christmas movie. The director at my orphanage really liked it for whatever reason.” There was a lot Beckett didn't know about her past and she generally preferred to keep it that way, but she didn't mind giving him small glimpses into that part of her life, the life that she had never thought she could escape happily from. It had been hard, but Eden was strong, she always had been. But she didn't know how much longer she could keep doing it all.
“I've never seen it but.. well I'm sure you already knew that.” Beckett laughed lightly, and she forced a laugh herself even though they both knew it wasn't genuine. There was so much distance still between them, and Eden didn't know how to bridge that gap, she didn't know how to meet him on the other side yet, or if she ever could again.
“I know that this isn't really related to the holidays or whatever, but I appreciate you being here. I'm sure you had other plans with your family and I wish you hadn't canceled them, but I'm just glad you're here. Even if that sounds selfish or unfair.” Eden’s cheeks flamed as she confessed this, looking down at her plaid pajama pants to avoid meeting his eyes. She heard the couch creak and then her senses were flooded with fresh pine and the hint of something metallic, Beckett.
“You don't have to thank me or worry about any of that. I'm right where I want to be.. where I need to be.” The words hung between them, charged and heavy, and Eden felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest at how close Beckett had gotten to her. Their knees knocked together as she looked up at him, hoping that he couldn't hear how loud her heart was beating right now. She silently wished his was beating as ferociously as hers.
“Eden…” Beckett's voice was thick and smooth, an edge to his words that was as familiar to her as her own breathing. Eden didn't think before she surged forward, pressing her lips against his. She kissed him hungrily, as if this was the last thing she would ever do, and he matched her desperation perfectly as his hands gripped her hips tightly. She tugged his bottom lip between her teeth and the moan that slipped from his lips shot straight to her core. She leaned back and coated her palm in her saliva, slipping her hand underneath the band of his sleep pants and into his underwear. He was heavy in her hand and she rubbed her thumb over his tip, spreading the precum that had dribbled out during their kiss. She felt his fingers sliding her panties to the side, and she flicked her wrist just once, his hips jutting forward into her hand.
“E-Eden..” Beckett's voice was breathy and pained, and she looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes, her movements never stalling for a moment. His fingers had been teasing her folds for the last few moments, but the sudden speeding of her hand had his fingers breaching her entrance and slipping inside of her. Eden felt her knees go weak even though she was sitting down, and she subconsciously spread her legs to give him better access. He took the invitation eagerly, and she felt her head began to swim at the feeling of his fingers dancing between her thighs. He was a nerd in every way, which is why she wasn't surprised to find that he excelled in bed just as much as he excelled everywhere else. She had a few boyfriends throughout her life, but none of them had ever made her come during sex. Beckett was different.. because of course he was.
“I'm close..” Eden was barely holding herself together, but she was trying to match the speed that Beckett had set between her thighs. She was sure her inner thighs were soaked with her wetness, and she couldn't even be embarrassed about the squelching sounds that grew in crescendo as he continued fingering her as if his life depended on it. She rode his fingers with reckless abandon, and he rutted into her fist as a result. In the bedroom, there was no push or pull, they knew exactly how to satisfy one another in a way that left them both fulfilled. The light fixture above their head started going crazy, and she knew that he was close too without him having to verbalize it. With one last yank and twist of her wrist, Beckett was spilling onto her hand and she wasn't far behind him. She collapsed against him, her cheek pressing against his warm skin as he coaxed her through the aftershocks, her thighs shaking around his hand.
“You're absolutely gorgeous ” Beckett said as he withdrew his fingers from her pussy, and she grabbed his wrist and guided his fingers into her mouth, her tongue swirling over them to collect every last drop. He watched her with hooded eyes, and something told Eden deep down that they weren't done yet. She was still sensitive, but she felt herself stand up on wobbly legs to yank her pants and underwear down, leaving her in nothing but a warm sweater. She sunk to her knees on the floor and Beckett lifted his hips so she could pull his pants and underwear past his mid thigh, leaving his cock exposed to the slightly chilly air. He was erect and despite already coming, more precum bubbled at his tip. Eden resisted the urge to take him into her mouth and inside pushed against his heaving chest so she could crawl onto his lap, bracing herself on his thighs for a moment.
“Do you want this?” Eden couldn't help but ask him everytime they ended up like this, afraid that he would stop wanting her as much as she wanted him, and Beckett grabbed her face between his hands and pressed their foreheads tightly together.
“There is nothing I want more on this earth right now than you, baby.” Beckett reassured her, and she felt her body flush warmly at his words. Eden was sure he just meant that he wanted her warm body in that moment, but she hoped with every beat of her heart that he meant he still wanted her in general, even if it was unattainable to have each other in the way they both wanted presently. Eden bit her lip and nodded, lifting up slightly before sinking down onto him. He was buried to the hilt inside of her, and her mouth fell open at the sensation no matter how many times it had happened.
“Are you okay, darling?” Beckett's hands on her face were gentle and warm, and she nodded once, allowing herself this moment of closeness with him. There had been times in the past where they had just sat like this; Eden unmoving on his lap as Beckett pressed kisses into her bare skin, both of them needing the unbridled connection of being so close to another person that it felt like you could melt into their skin.
“Beckett..” Eden's voice was ragged, thoughts suddenly becoming hard to form at the fullness she felt. Her fingernails dug into his shoulders as she lifted herself off of him and sunk back down, the tip of his cock nudging that spot inside of her that made her feel all fuzzy inside. He wasn't huge by any means, perhaps 8 inches or so, but it felt like he was made to be inside of her the way he was always able to reach so far into her depths without much effort. His groan reverberated through the room, and she smiled to herself at the action. Eden lifted herself off of him once more and snapped her hips forward quickly, the new feeling making her eyes roll back into her head.
“Christ you're so tight..” Beckett's voice was wild, barely contained want oozing between his words. Eden whimpered at the statement and gripped his shoulders roughly before she started riding him, swiveling her hips in the way she knew he liked it. His head fell back onto the couch but Eden lifted his head and gripped his chin between her fingers, keeping his gaze locked onto her. In the bedroom, Beckett usually took on the ‘submissive’ role, allowing Eden to do whatever felt good for the both of them, and she reveled in the power she felt whenever she made him feel this way. She felt that familiar warmth pooling in the bottom of her belly, and she knew she was close for the second time that night.
“I-” Eden started to say, but she was surprised when she felt herself being lowered onto the couch, Beckett lifting one of her legs over his shoulder as he pistoned into her. This angle allowed him to hit her g-spot, and the tip of his cock kissed that spot over and over again as he fucked into her with uncontrolled lust. Eden scrambled for purchase against the edge of the cushion, her fingernails digging deeply into the material and she threw her head back as she gasped loudly at the feeling of his cock sliding smoothly in and out of her. Her thighs were soaked with her want for him, and she had a feeling that he knew the effect he had on her. His fingers circled her nipple and he pinched and twisted the peak between his thumb and pointer finger.
“Fuck!” Eden cried out at the new stimulation, and she arched her chest into his hand. Beckett continued twisting and rolling her nipples between his fingers while keeping up the maddening pace he had set, and she felt a gush of warmth rush from between her legs and land against his lower stomach and her lower half. The first time it had happened she had been confused and embarrassed, thinking she had peed on herself and him and refused to have sex with him for 2 weeks. After lots of research, they had discovered that Eden was a squirter, and Beckett had been delighted to learn that little tidbit to say the least. His noise of thinly veiled approval made her think he had made this a goal of his tonight, but she couldn't focus much on that while he was still drilling into her.
“I love you Eden, fuck I love you so much.” Beckett leaned forward to press a kiss into her inner knee as he continued fucking her, and with one last cry, Eden felt herself coming hard, her body shaking as her back arched so far off the couch she was sure she would feel it later. The room filled with a golden hue, and he thrust into her one more time before coming deep inside of her. There was a loud creaking above them at the same time, and the metal chandelier crushed like a soda can as he continued guiding her through her orgasm, her leg slipping off his shoulder as he collapsed on top of her. Eden quickly wrapped her legs around his lower back, keeping him snugly inside of her as they laid together on the couch, catching their breaths.
“Are you okay?” Beckett asked her quietly, his fingertips skating up and over her arms as she carded her fingers through his tussled hair. She wasn't usually pensive after they had sex, but it had become something she couldn't escape after a while. The more time that passed by, Eden grew more fearful. She knew that no one had ever loved her like Beckett did; all-consuming, patient, as simple and as natural as breathing, and that no one else ever could. But she was sure he could find someone else that could and would love him in a way that made sense, without the paranoia and the constant confusion and doubts, and it made her feel sick to think about.
“Not really.” Eden decided to be honest for once, tears she didn't even know she had left to cry gathering in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. Beckett was immediately hovering over her, his thumb rubbing at the wetness against her skin and that simple action made her cry even harder. Her body was wracked with sobs and she could barely breathe, all that self hatred and shame and guilt erupting at the most inconvenient time possible. He didn't say anything, he just sat up and took her hand and led her to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind them. Beckett turned the shower on and looked for a rag and a set of towels, and Eden let herself be guided under the stream of warm water. She wrapped her arms around his waist as he cleaned her body, the roughness of the rag bringing feeling back into every limb he scrubbed at, and she felt grateful for him in the way she always had.
“Give me your hand sweetheart, let's get you dressed.” Beckett's instructed, his voice soft and sweet as she stepped out of the shower and onto the mat. Eden stood with the towel wrapped around her body as Beckett disappeared into their rooms to grab them fresh clothing and undergarments, and when he returned to the bathroom, she felt a wave of relief wash over her. He patted her skin dry before quickly running the towel over his body, uncaring about his clothes getting wet whenever he dressed himself. She was dressed in a pair of warm and fuzzy pastel pink sweatpants and a faded sweatshirt with their school's crest on it, something she had borrowed from her sister months ago and had forgotten to return.
“I'm sorry, Beckett.” Eden's throat was hoarse from crying, but she might as well have used an airhorn to amplify the volume of her words. Beckett looked down at her with sadness reflected in his eyes, and she shrank underneath his probing gaze. She elected to take his hand instead, threading their fingers together like they used to. They walked hand in hand back to the living room, and Eden winced at the mess they had left behind.
“We can clean it up later love, we can stay in my room for a little bit until then.” Beckett tugged her in the direction of his room, and stepping over the threshold into his room felt like a homecoming Eden had been waiting for. The room wasn't much, but in the short time they had stayed here, he had made it his own. His black blazer was draped over the chair that connected to a desk that still had the overhead lamp on. So painfully Beckett she felt tears pressing at the back of her throat again.
“I'm sorry.” Eden said again, and Beckett lowered her into a sitting position on the edge of his bed before crouching down in front of her so that they were eye level, equals, her mind thought as she looked at him.
“What on earth are you apologizing for? You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.” Beckett was so patient and reassuring, even after all that she had done to hurt him. Tears welled in her eyes as she bowed her head, unable to meet his gaze once more. Eden's skin felt wrong, stretched thin over a skeletal and nervous system that hadn't felt like her own for months. She took a deep breath, exhaling providing her only a temporary reprieve before her chest became tight again. She felt fingers pressing into the divots of her spine, rubbing circular motions between her shoulder blades in an attempt to calm her down, and her heart felt like it was going to soar out of her chest at the warmth seeping through her shirt from his touch.
“It's okay darling, just breathe. I'm here, I'm here.” Beckett's voice sounded far away, but she knew that he was right there next to her, the left half of his body pressing against hers in a perfect puzzle. Eden was made for Beckett, and Beckett was made for Eden, and she couldn't fathom how that wasn't enough. His hand found hers and his fingers slotted in between her own, and the pressure and familiarity of his calloused palm pressed against her own was grounding, a beacon for the uncertainty inside of her head.
“You deserve better than this.. better than me.” Her statement hung in the air, an intangible thing that neither of them could mold into something different, least of all Eden. She hated that she couldn't be what he needed her to be, the perfect version of herself she had tried so meticulously to craft shattered like a pile of fine china on the floor in front of them. Her self hatred was palpable and unforgiving, an iron fist squishing her insides into mush.
“Listen to me very carefully. I have never thought that way, ever. Measuring your self worth on what I feel is a disservice to yourself and everything you've worked to build since I met you. You're everything that I have ever wanted Eden, I want you so much that I can't remember how to want anything else. No matter what happens, I want you. I don't want the prestige of my family or some stupid award that won't matter 10 years from now. I want you. Just you. Exactly as you are.” Beckett grabbed her hand and placed it against his chest, his heart thumping strong and secure. “My heart has only ever beat for you. I've never loved another human being as much as I love you. My feelings will never change, I promise you.” The sincerity of his words made her stomach twist, and Eden knew that what he was saying was genuine.
“I've never loved anyone the way I love you, my love for you is the one thing I know is real anymore, the only thing I can depend on if nothing else. I love you, but I don't know how to cross that bridge back to you.. back to who I used to be.” Eden felt extremely vulnerable, a rarity in her life that only a few had gotten close enough to see, and Beckett had been the first person in her life to witness it. He understood her in a way that no one else did, not even Atlas. Every molecule inside of her body called out for him, every rush of blood accompanied his name into her heart, leaving behind an imprint that she cherished even more than her own life. Beckett was her safe place, her soulmate, her home, the other half of her heart, and she wanted more than anything else to brave her fear and anxiety.. but she couldn't. Not yet.
“You went through something awful, something only you and your sister can understand, but you don't have to be who you used to be, Eden. You can be whoever you want to be, and I promise you that me and Shreya and Griffin and Zeph and Atlas will love whoever you become. You have to forgive yourself for whatever it is that's plaguing your mind, baby.” Beckett stroked her jaw carefully, smiling sadly at her as he did so. His eyes held no pity or disgust towards her, only love, the most important love that she had ever known. Eden leaned forward to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders, burying her face into his neck. The scent of pine and fresh detergent comforted her just as much as his arms encircling her waist did. Beckett's lips brushed against the pulsepoint in her throat, an unspoken promise - I'm not going anywhere, I'll never leave you.
“I love you Beckett, I love you so much.” Eden whispered into his shirt, right above where his chest was protected by the thin flannel he had hurriedly pulled on, and his arms tightened around her, pulling her flush against his body.
“I love you Eden, I love you more.” Beckett mimicked her previous action of whispering the words above her chest, and she buried her nose deeper into his skin. Eden had a lot of work to do, they had a lot of work to do together, but for now, this embrace was the safest place to start.
This love between them wouldn't be enough to fix Eden or make her whole again, but Beckett's heart beating in time with hers was a promise that maybe, just maybe, she could be back to a point where she felt deserving of him and all of the love he had to give her. So many promises..
Eden intended to keep them all.