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It was Eddie that had done it.
He’d had to, Buck knew that.
He’d watched Eddie try and save that girl’s leg. When he knew it wasn’t going to work, he amputated it. It saved her life.
Buck had had to watch that too. He’d watched as the saw cut through the flesh and the bone. He’d felt every second of it, the constant ache in his own leg roaring into agony in sympathy.
He’d imagined it so many times, the removal of his own leg, mangled beyond saving. He’d dreamed it, endured it inside his mind like torture.
Sometimes it was a nameless paramedic who amputated his leg in the field, leaving it under the firetruck when he was rushed away. Sometimes it happened at the hospital, a mix up with the anaesthetic meaning he was awake through the amputation procedure.
It was the worst of his nightmares, worse than the well, worse than the tsunami, worse than the lightning. Those had all faded with time and therapy. This one never changed. It was always so vivid. He felt every stroke of the saw blade, every cut sent waves of pain screaming through him. Sometimes it ended with the limb separating from his body. Sometimes the nightmare would include the aftermath, and he endured his recovery, the PT, losing his job, his friends. His life.
He always woke screaming in pain, his leg responding to the dream to remind him it was still there. Sometimes he wondered if the dreams caused the pain or if the pain caused the dreams. Not that it mattered. The result was the same.
These were the only nightmares he hid. He hid them from Frank, his therapist. He hid them from Maddie, from his team.
He hid them from Eddie.
Buck and Eddie had finally got together about six months ago. Eddie was back from Texas. They were living together. Everything had just clicked. After years of growing together, towards each other, a fight in the kitchen one night brought everything to a head. The tension was unbearable, and they broke into each other’s arms, clinging together, healing one another.
It was everything to Buck. They were partners in the best sense, building a family with Christopher. Still best friends but now so much more. No secrets. No lies.
Except this.
Eddie knew he had nightmares. Of course he did. He’d seen Buck struggle with them for years. They both did, occasionally, though Buck’s were more common and usually more intense. They consoled each other, held each other, grounded each other till the storm passed and sleep could come again.
Yet, Buck still hid the cause of these nightmares from Eddie. He lied. Pretended he’d dreamed about the tsunami, or his first loss, or Eddie being shot. Anything but the truth.
Because the truth was shameful. Buck sometimes wished they had taken his leg. Some days the pain was almost unbearable. He thought Eddie saw, but Eddie didn’t know how bad it really was. No one did. And he wondered what it would be like to be free of that pain. And sometimes, when it was really bad, Buck wanted that.
He knew he was ungrateful. To everyone who saved him, who saved his leg. To the medical teams who worked on him, to his 118 family for getting him back on his feet, literally. To everyone who’d loved him through the misery. To everyone who loved him now.
Ungrateful.
And the dreams, the pain of the amputation that never happened, were a punishment for Buck being ungrateful.
Seeing Eddie take someone else’s leg twisted inside Buck. He knew her pain, knew her fear.
He knew taking the leg saved her life. But would she be happy again? Would she thrive? Buck hoped she would thrive, living a good life, loved and happy. He hoped the loss of a leg would be a sacrifice she thought worth making to save her life.
Buck had been quiet at the scene. Calm, efficient, but quiet. He was even more quiet in the truck on the way back to the firehouse. He wouldn’t look at Eddie, didn’t meet his concerned eyes, didn’t press his leg against Eddie’s as they normally did. Buck was somewhere else, not present, not with them.
Inside his head, Eddie cutting through the bone and sinew played on a loop. And he felt every cut.
Back at the firehouse, Eddie had to nudge Buck to bring him back to reality. They were the last ones in the truck. Buck didn’t know how long they’d been sitting there.
Eddie gave him a searching look. “You Ok, Baby?” he asked, voice low and gentle.
Buck thought about lying, but Eddie knew him too well.
“No, not really. That was… a lot. Too close to home.”
Eddie nodded. “What do you need? You want to talk about it?”
And, suddenly Buck did. But not there, not at the firehouse with the team so close by. He needed to tell Eddie at home, somewhere private, just them.
“Later”.
Eddie gave him a look.
“I-I promise, Eds. Really. I… not here.”
Eddie pulled Buck to his feet, noticing the grimace as he put weight on his bad leg. Buck never said anything, but Eddie saw how he limped sometimes, how he rubbed at his calf when he thought no one was looking.
But Eddie was always looking.
He helped Buck down from the ladder truck and wrapped him into a hug. It took just a beat before Buck melted into his arms. He was suddenly exhausted. Eddie gently kissed Buck’s forehead.
“I got you, cariño. I love you.”
“Love you too, Eds. So much.” Buck’s voice was sounded so tired and the words were soft, almost slurred.
Eddie pulled back, keeping one arm around his boyfriend’s waist.
“Shower? Or sleep?” he asked.
Buck didn’t reply, but Eddie felt him sway slightly. Eddie smiled.
“Ok, querido. Sleep it is.”
Buck followed as Eddie towed him to the bunk room and settled him onto one of the cots.
“Rest, baby. We’ll talk later.”
Eddie gave Buck one last kiss, pressing his lips softly to the flush of the birthmark above Buck’s eye. Eddie loved kissing him there, touching his lips to something so uniquely Buck.
He watched Buck as sleep quickly claimed him. Then Eddie quietly left and headed for the firehouse loft.
He joined Hen and Chim at the table. Bobby, happy in his retirement but still a regular fixture at the firehouse, was serving lunch. They looked up as he sat down.
“No Buck?” Chim asked. “He Ok?”
Eddie sighed. “I’m not sure. That was a hard call, but for him more than anyone. He’s so strong, I think we forget sometimes just how much he’s been through. Watching me… do that… must have been so difficult. He’s sleeping now, but he promised to talk to me later. I didn’t want to push.”
Eddie looked down at his hands, not really wanting to ask the question on his lips, but needing an answer.
“Has he ever spoken to any of you about being in pain?”
Hen looked at him, face concerned. “No. Why? You worried?”
Eddie nodded, looking round at the others.
Chim just shook his head. “No. And he hasn’t said anything to Maddie either.”
Bobby was quiet.
“Bobby?” Eddie pressed.
Bobby sat down heavily at the table.
“He’s never said anything to me. But I’ve seen it. He hides it well. But he’s always careful. Sometimes there is the hint of a limp. Sometimes he’s half a step off his usual pace.”
Bobby paused, then continued.
“Once, a while back, I saw him take some pills. I asked what they were for and he brushed it off. But they were pain meds. I never saw him take anything again.”
Eddie frowned. “He doesn’t have any meds at home. No prescriptions. Nothing. He doesn’t even take Tylenol.”
Hen sighed. “It would be just like him to push through.”
Eddie agreed. “Sometimes he has nightmares and I can see he wakes up in pain. He doesn’t talk about it. He always says he’s been dreaming about something else. And, you know, he’s not short of trauma. Sometimes I can’t believe what he’s survived.”
They fell silent, thinking about everything their youngest team member had been through, what he was still going through.
Eddie stood. He was worried and needed to see Buck, even just to watch him sleep. Ever since the lightning took him for those terrible few minutes, Eddie has needed Buck close. Their time apart while he was in Texas was the worst period of his life. Now he was allowed to, just being with Buck while he slept always brought Eddie peace, his hand on Buck’s chest to feel his heartbeat, watching him breathe.
Eddie could watch Buck breathe forever.
Just as Eddie reached the stairs, though, a loud scream cut through the quiet of the firehouse.
Buck.
Eddie flew down the stairs and sprinted to the bunk room. He knew Bobby and the others were close behind him. Crashing through the door, he paused to take in the scene before him.
Buck was on the floor, twisted in obvious agony. His eyes were open, but vacant. His breathing was fast and erratic. He was moaning and clutching at his leg. Eddie couldn’t make out his mumbled words, but then suddenly, in a voice filled with agony, Buck screamed “it hurts, it hurts. Eddie, cut it off”.
Eddie ignored the gasp from behind him. He was moving again and was by Buck’s side in a moment. He tried to meet Buck’s eyes, to get him to focus, but Buck was somewhere else.
Gently taking his hands, Eddie spoke softly to Buck.
“Baby, it’s me. I know you are scared, in pain. But I want you to try and hear this. You are safe. I’ve got you. Always. You’re in the firehouse. Bobby’s here. And Hen and Chim. We’re going to help you. I think you’re having a nightmare, my love. It feels real, I know, but it’s not. Try and listen to my voice, sweetheart. Can you do that?”
Eddie was rubbing gentle circles to the backs of Buck’s hands, feeling them tremble in his own. Nothing changed in Buck’s vacant expression but Eddie felt the hands he was holding twitch. Just a slight, fleeting pressure on his own. But it was there, and Eddie would take it for now.
He carried on talking to Buck in that same, calm voice.
“We’re in the bunk room, Evan. I’m here with you. I’m holding your hands. I’m going to put one of them on my chest so you can feel my breathing. There you go. In. Out. In. Out. Can you feel that, baby?”
Another twitch in the hands Eddie was holding. Stronger this time.
“That’s good. That’s good. You’re doing so good, baby. Can you breathe with me? Feel my chest move. Listen to my voice. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.”
They sat like that for what seemed like an age to those watching. Eddie breathing. Talking. Buck not yet back with them.
Gradually Buck’s erratic breathing slowed into the same rhythm as Eddie’s. He blinked and suddenly he was present. He locked eyes with Eddie for a heartbeat then looked away. He tried to pull his hands out of Eddie’s grasp.
“Hey, Baby. No. Those are mine. You are mine. So whatever you need. I’m here. But you don’t get to pull away. You’re Ok, sweetheart. You stay with me though.”
Buck looked back at Eddie, then he lifted his gaze to the door where Bobby, Hen and Chim stood.
Eddie glanced up.
“Guys, can you give us some space, please? Buck’s ok, aren’t you babe?” Buck nodded. “We just need a minute”.
Bobby gave Eddie a quick smile, then herded Chim and Hen out of the doorway. Eddie heard them on the stairs back up to the loft.
Eddie moved, slowly still, helping Buck up from the floor and back onto the cot, settling in beside him. Still holding his hands, like Buck was precious.
He looked at Buck.
“Tell me” he said simply.
And Buck did.
He told Eddie about his pain, about the nightmares, about the guilt. He told Eddie how hard it was today to watch Eddie perform the amputation, not because he thought it was the wrong call but because it was the right one.
Buck told Eddie everything.
Eddie listened. He just let Buck talk. All the while, Eddie massaged Buck’s leg, working through the tension and unknotting the muscles. He could see the relief as the pain drained from Buck’s body. Then, when Buck was done, Eddie pulled him into a gentle hug.
“Thank you, cariño. Thank you for trusting me with all that. I promise I will try and help you. There are a range of therapies, things you can try, that might help with the pain. We can talk to your doctors again, and to Frank. I’ll be there with you, always.
But, mi amor, I need you to promise me something. No more secrets. You tell me when you hurt, when you’re in pain. You tell me when you need help. You tell me if it gets too much.”
Buck nodded shyly.
“I-I didn’t want to say anything, Eds. I didn’t want to be too much for you.”
Eddie smiled and shook his head.
“Querido, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you.”
Buck blushed, and Eddie thought he’d never looked more beautiful. He pressed the softest of kisses to Buck’s mouth.
“I love you, Evan Buckley.” Eddie whispered it, soft and low.
Buck thrilled at the words. “I love you too, Eddie. More than I could ever say”.
And, with that, Buck pulled Eddie to his side. He kissed him again, different this time. A kiss full of heat and intention. Eddie felt the want, the need, in that kiss.
“Hold that thought, baby” he almost moaned into Buck’s mouth. “I’m gonna tell Bobby I need to take you home and take care of you.”
Buck giggled and Eddie smiled at that. Buck would be Ok, Eddie would make sure of it.