Chapter Text
Shauna was hiding something from her.
If there was one thing in her life Jackie had complete confidence in, it was her understanding of Shauna Shipman. She could teach a class in Shipmanology; she was the world’s top academic on the subject. She had dedicated her entire eighteen years of life to noticing every glance, every deflection, every smile, every tone, every non-verbal cue that Shauna had. Even though Jackie (unfortunately) couldn’t read Shauna’s mind, she knew without a doubt when something was bothering her—and when she was lying. And Jackie definitely knew when it was both!
Something had been up with Shauna for months; for the entirety of their senior year so far.
Ever since they were four years old, Jackie and Shauna had a long-standing sleepover commitment every weekend. No matter what, they would have a sleepover at least one of the days of the weekend, if not more. Jackie had never gone back on that, even when she started dating Jeff. She always made sure to keep at least one night free for Shauna. The only exceptions had been when her parents would drag her on vacations, but even then Jackie had a surprisingly high success rate convincing both of their parents to let Shauna tag along.
So that’s why, at the start of senior year, when Shauna said that Jackie couldn’t stay over one weekend, she knew something was up. At first Shauna gave the excuse of going to visit family out of town for the weekend. On the extremely rare occasions in the past where they hadn’t been able to have a sleepover, that had been one of the reasons.
Except when Jackie had asked Deb how the trip was the following week, Deb had been confused.
Jackie was quick to cover for Shauna, “I thought she said you were going to visit family and that’s why she needed to stay at mine, I must’ve misheard.” Deb accepted the answer without a fuss, too tired from her shift to read further into it.
So, Shauna was lying to Deb, too.
When Jackie tried to ask Shauna about where she had actually been that night, she spouted off some excuse about having a life outside of Jackie. Jackie had laughed from her spot on Shauna’s bed.
“Does. Not. Com-pute.” She joked, putting on a robot voice and moving her arms around jerkily. But Shauna didn't join her in laughing, scowling instead and turning to rifle through her clothes more. The wind was taken out from Jackie’s sails, and her smile dropped. Was that not a joke? Didn’t Shauna’s life revolve around Jackie’s just as much as her life revolved around Shauna’s? Her brow furrowed as she examined Shauna, still staring intently at her rack of clothes.
Jackie watched as Shauna took a deep breath, then she presented Jackie with her next proposed outfit for the night. Her scowl had lessened, but the prickliness was still present. Jackie shifted awkwardly on the bed, unused to not knowing what to say to Shauna. Instead, she shook her head at the outfit choice, making Shauna roll her eyes.
“Just pick the outfit you want me in, Jax,” Shauna stepped aside, motioning to her closet. Jackie knew this was Shauna’s version of…not quite an apology, but a concession. She let the interaction go in favor of joining Shauna, eager to pull out the red dress that matched her own outfit, but she added it to her mental list of Shauna oddities as of late.
The second month it happened, Shauna still refused to properly explain why she couldn’t meet up with Jackie all weekend. “I just have a lot of school work this weekend, Jax. These AP classes are no joke.”
“I could come do homework with you,” Jackie tried.
“You know we’d just get distracted,” Shauna countered. It was an excuse that would make sense—for anyone other than them. They had spent years doing homework together and getting distracted while doing it, and Shauna was still the smartest person Jackie knew. She would never let Jackie actually prevent her from getting her work done. Shauna was adamant about it, though, no matter how much Jackie pushed, so Jackie spent another weekend Shauna-less.
Her Shauna-less weekends always made her more irritable the following week, especially if she had to spend time with Jeff that weekend too. She tried to catch up with Shauna on Monday when she came to pick her up for school, but she tensed the second Jackie asked about her weekend.
“It was boring, Jackie. Something you’d know if you ever actually studied.” Shauna rolled her eyes and clenched the steering wheel.
Jackie scoffed in disbelief—a bit affronted—her eyes narrowing at her best friend. Fine. If Shauna wanted to be a bitch, she could be a bitch. Jackie turned to face the window, shifting her weight so she was leaning as far away from Shauna as possible. She crossed her arms and kept her mouth firmly shut.
She was not unfamiliar in the ways of a defensive Shauna Shipman. Like a caged animal, when Shauna felt cornered, she snapped. Usually Jackie was better at recognizing the oncoming signs, but she couldn’t figure out what could have Shauna acting like that. What had she done over those weekends that she didn’t want her best friend to know about? Jackie stewed as she watched Wiskayok pass by the window.
When they got to school, pulling into Shauna’s designated parking spot, Shauna sighed as she put the car in park. Before she could even start talking, Jackie was out of the car and slamming the door. Let Shauna stew in uncertainty for a few days.
Jackie spent the entire school day ignoring every sentence, glance, and note Shauna tossed her way (she tucked the notes into her pocket to read later). She even resorted to sitting with Jeff at lunch.
At practice, Jackie ran the girls hard. She wanted to get to National’s; she knew they could. Maybe she nitpicked Nat’s crosses too much and got on Mari’s case after losing possession during drills, but that was just her being a good captain. She needed everybody to be the best player they were capable of being. They had to be perfect.
By the end of practice, everyone was winded—except for Shauna. Shauna was standing there, barely out of breath. She looked relaxed, and Jackie could have sworn she was running even faster than usual. Coach went over the schedule for the week in the huddle, then dismissed them back to the locker room.
“Shipman, hang back a second.” Coach called out. Jackie hesitated for only one, instinctual moment—a stutter-step—before continuing toward the locker rooms. She wasn’t waiting up for Shauna today.
“Okay, did Shauna shit in your cereal or what?” Van asked from across the room as Jackie opened her locker. Her face scrunched up in disgust at the thought.
“Ew, no—what?” She turned to face Van, only to find the rest of the team looking at her expectantly.
“Obviously something is going on,” Mari pointed out, and even Laura Lee nodded in agreement.
“You’re only this uptight and on our asses when Shauna is involved.”
“Oh, fuck off, Nat.” Jackie rolled her eyes, but the words had no real bite to them. The entire team stared at her, just waiting.
“Ugh, fine,” Jackie caved with a pout, “Shauna cancelled our sleepover this past weekend and is lying about why.”
“Jesus Christ,” Tai said to herself, rubbing her temples.
“I just don’t get why she’d lie about it—“
“Yeah, no clue,” Van mumbled to Tai.
“Do you guys think she’s secretly dating someone?” A pit formed in her stomach at the thought. A worst-case scenario. Shauna wouldn’t cancel their sleepover to hang out with some boy, would she? Never. Jackie tried to convince herself.
“I think you’d be the only one to know if she was, Jackie.” Lottie offered, unhelpfully.
She opened her mouth to tell Lottie just how helpful she found that, when the locker room door opened. Everyone simultaneously turned back to their lockers and continued to get changed as Shauna walked in. Jackie tugged on her shirt, flicking her pony tail out from beneath the collar, and pulled her necklace to rest on top of the shirt.
She was packing her practice clothes away into her bag, when Shauna cleared her throat. Jackie paused but didn’t look up. “Hey, want to have a movie night? We could watch Beaches?”
Jackie fought back a smile, zipping her bag up. She would not give in to Shauna that easily. She had been lying to her, Jackie tried to remind herself. Throwing the strap of her bag across her shoulders, she straightened and looked at Shauna. She hadn’t really looked at her all day, so Jackie was less prepared than usual for her wide, imploring, brown eyes. She had to fight physically recoiling from the immediate effect they had on her.
“We’re stopping and getting snacks at Wawa first. Your treat.” She aired on the side of nonchalance to try and cover up just how quickly she folded.
“I was gonna do that anyway,” Shauna rolled her eyes, but this time there was no agitation behind it. A small smile formed at the edge of her lips, like she’d won something. She picked up her bag, and Jackie smiled, walking alongside Shauna toward the exit.
“Great job out there today, girls! See everyone tomorrow!” Jackie called over her shoulder with a large grin and wave.
“Oh my God.” Jackie ignored Tai, and Laura Lee’s quiet admonishment as they left the locker room. She was too excited to make up for her lost Shauna time.
Exactly 48 minutes later, Jackie was entering Shauna’s room, head tilted forward as she towel-dried her hair. She hung the towel on her designated hook on the back of Shauna’s door. “Your turn,” Jackie collapsed onto the bed, making Shauna bounce slightly from where she was lying back on her elbows.
“I can’t believe you showered before me in my own home,” Shauna rolled her head to the side so she was eyeing Jackie.
“Dibs,” Jackie shrugged.
Shauna quickly dug her finger into Jackie’s waist, tasering her, and leapt up before Jackie had the chance to retaliate. She simply yelped in surprise, stuck watching Shauna leave the room as she rubbed her waist soothingly.
Sighing wistfully, she stared up at the ceiling. This was what she had missed. Simply being in each other’s presence. Getting to be themselves without any pretenses. Jackie needed these moments—moments where she wasn’t thinking about how she should act, what she should look like, who she should be. She was just Shauna’s Jackie, which usually came easier to her than breathing.
The shower started up in the bathroom, the steady sound of rushing water from the shower head crept into the room. Now, they could hang out, and Jackie could move on from the weekend. Jackie didn’t have to think about it anymore. Shauna would tell her whatever she was hiding when she was ready. She could let this go and just enjoy their night.
Her fingers drummed against where they rested on her stomach.
Jackie leapt out of bed.
She immediately surveyed Shauna’s room for any obvious clues, arms crossed and foot tapping. Walking over to Shauna’s vanity, nothing seemed out of place. Their pictures decorated the mirror as they always had; there was a smattering of accessories across the top of the vanity, including Shauna’s heart choker. She didn’t wear it frequently (usually only when Jackie begged before a party, claiming that it would bring the outfit together), but Jackie always loved it when she did. The small and subtle matching touch that let everyone else know that they were a pair. Not to be separated. She traced a finger over Shauna’s heart as she twisted her own. After, her finger dragged along the surface of the vanity until it dropped off back to her side.
Shauna always took quick showers, so Jackie knew she didn’t have the time for any deep digging. Spinning on her heel, she walked over to Shauna’s closet. She scanned the rack of clothes briefly, then her eyes narrowed in on the hamper. Seeing what she wore over the weekend could give Jackie an inkling as to what she got up to, Jackie reasoned with herself. She wasn’t being a creep; she was being investigative. And who was she to disagree with such a well made point?
Nodding to herself, Jackie flipped open the hamper. Flannel. Flannel. Jeans. Underwear. T-shirt. Flannel. Jackie huffed. Nothing out of the ordinary or anything in particular that would signal a date. Though—Jackie hesitated—without her input, Shauna absolutely would wear these on a date. She stared down into the hamper like Shauna’s secrets were hidden within the folds of fabric. Noticing her favorite of Shauna’s flannels half-buried under the rest of the clothes, Jackie picked it out, rubbing the soft, worn fabric between her fingers.
It was the one Jackie always stole to wear when she was over, but that unfortunately meant she couldn’t wear it today. Shauna would definitely notice if she wore it, and would probably be disgusted at the fact Jackie dug through her dirty laundry. She rubbed the fabric once more when her thumb brushed over an unexpected texture. She lifted the flannel up to her face, examining it. She pinched against the unexpected texture, rolling it between her fingers. It was…animal hair? Probably dog hair of some kind. It was shorter and had a different texture than Shauna’s hair, and when Jackie patted the flannel mid-air, more hairs drifted off of the shirt.
Shauna didn’t have a dog. The Shipman’s hadn’t had a dog since Shauna’s dad left. He took their St. Bernard mix, Daisy, in the divorce, since Deb wouldn’t be able to take her out during her twelve hour shifts at the hospital. Shauna would stay at Jackie’s until Deb’s shift was over, but Jackie’s mom was allergic, so Daisy couldn’t come.
The only reason Shauna ever really visited her dad was to see Daisy. When Daisy passed away, they were fourteen. Shauna spent an entire night crying in Jackie’s arms, inconsolable. She didn’t really go visit her dad anymore after that.
So Jackie would definitely know if Shauna’s dad had gotten another dog; there was no way Shauna would start visiting him again without telling her. Last she heard, he was dating some college girl barely older than them. Which left one blaring possibility in Jackie’s mind—
Was Shauna actually seeing somebody without telling Jackie? Who did they know who owned a dog with brown fur? What if they were from a different school? What if it was Randy? Jackie was nearly sick.
The shower turned off, and Jackie hurriedly tossed all of the clothes back in the hamper, throwing open Shauna’s pajama drawer instead and scrounging through that. She had just grabbed a shirt and a pair of shorts when Shauna reentered the room.
“I decided I want to be more comfy,” Jackie turned on her heel.
“Yeah, sure, help yourself,” Shauna deadpanned and passed Jackie in her towel to grab some clothes. Water was still slowly dripping from her hair onto her shoulders.
“I always do,” Jackie teased breathlessly as she changed into Shauna’s pajamas on the other side of the room.
Once they were both changed into more comfortable clothes, they relocated downstairs where all their snacks awaited. Jackie grabbed the tape from the cabinet while Shauna moved about the kitchen.
“Mom left a twenty on the counter, do you want pizza?” Shauna called from the other room. Jackie popped the tape into the VCR and groaned when the credits appeared on screen. She stopped the playback and hit rewind.
“I’d have a slice!” Jackie called back. She couldn’t have more than a slice, especially with the snacks they had bought, but being with Shauna always made her want to splurge. She sat, listening to the whirring of the VCR, while Shauna called in a pizza.
By the time the tape had reached the beginning again, Shauna walked into the living room with two glasses of water, her arms full of their snacks. Jackie hopped up to sit on the couch as Shauna placed their water on the table, dumping the snacks from her arms there too. Pressing play on the remote, Jackie settled in to watch Beaches.
She picked at the snacks here or there, but for the most part she just watched. They had to pause about twenty minutes into the movie since the pizza arrived, a forgivable offense in this particular instance in Jackie’s book. Shauna quickly grabbed their food and two paper plates.
Jackie grabbed her slice, then resumed the movie. When Shauna sat back down, she chose the middle cushion instead of the other arm. Her body warmth alone was enough to be a constant presence at Jackie’s side.
The movie became much harder to pay attention to after that since she could see and feel each time Shauna moved. Shauna usually had two slices of pizza, maybe three after a particularly grueling practice, but she had completely finished the rest of the pie. On top of that, most of their snacks were also gone. Jackie watched Shauna from the corner of her eye, trying not to be obvious. Had Shauna eaten at all over the weekend? Was her mysterious date not treating her properly?
Jackie fought back a frown as she thought about it. Maybe she should comment about it—it was just out of the ordinary for Shauna. As she contemplated whether or not to breach a confrontation with Shauna, all her thoughts halted when Shauna rested her head against her shoulder. Shauna rarely initiated cuddling, especially since they had entered high school. It was always Jackie reaching out and holding Shauna to her, unless Shauna wasn’t sober. There was no way she could do anything now that might push Shauna away.
Jackie subtly leaned further into the arm of the couch, turning outward, opening up her body more. Shauna’s body followed where led, her head resting more on Jackie’s chest now as her arm snaked behind Jackie to wrap around her lower back. Her other arm slung loosely around Jackie’s waist. Jackie felt like she was dreaming, the only thing missing was if their legs could be intertwined.
Shauna sighed, and the arms around her tightened a bit. “You smell like me.” Shauna mumbled into Jackie’s shirt.
Her fingers lifted to play with Shauna’s hair, running through it. “I probably smell like you almost as much as I smell like me most of the time,” Jackie admitted, and Shauna hummed, content.
Jackie ended up staying the night, since her parents were away for the week anyway. She and Shauna remained cuddled up for the remainder of the night, and Jackie could almost forget the fact that Shauna was lying to her. Almost.
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Throughout the following month, Shauna continued to act…differently, though not all of it Jackie minded. She had actually sought out Jackie even more, dropping by her locker between classes sometimes. She glared at Jeff more so than usual, but Jackie couldn’t blame her for that. Jeff usually got on her nerves, and Shauna had never really liked him in the first place. She could’ve sworn that she heard Shauna growl under her breath once when Jeff had called after her in the halls. The sound had Jackie sucking in a breath of surprise. She had been unable to stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.
The not-as-great differences reminded Jackie of when Shauna’s parents were going through their divorce. She had been much quicker to lash out in ways Jackie was unable to predict, which was bad for team morale. Jackie had to reign her back in scrimmages now to keep her from getting benched. The aggression was getting a bit concerning and more than a bit attractive.
One of their rival team’s captains had even pulled Jackie aside after a friendly match to tell her, “You need to take your beast of a midfielder off whatever juice she’s on.”
The sentence didn’t make sense to Jackie. Why was she concerned with what juice Shauna was drinking? Jackie’s brow furrowed, “Shauna only likes apple juice.” She thought orange juice was too pulpy, and really, who even liked grape juice?
The other captain looked dumbfounded for a moment before shaking her head, “Just—keep her on a leash next time.” She jogged off to join her team loading onto the bus.
Jackie crossed her arms, glaring at the captain. When she turned around to walk back, she nearly yelled and jumped at the sight of Shauna standing right behind her. Shauna, gave her a once over, then stared at the opposing team’s bus.
“Everything okay?” She reached out, cupping Jackie’s elbow.
“Yeah, just a weird conversation.” Jackie shrugged and started walking back to the locker rooms, Shauna following alongside her.
————————————
Another month, another flimsy excuse to not spend the weekend together. None of the team had any inkling as to what Shauna had been up to, and Jackie’s subtle questions had been getting her nowhere. Feeling more drastic than ever, Jackie went to her last resort.
“Do you know if Shauna is seeing anyone?” Jackie pulled back from Jeff’s kiss to ask. He was dropping her off from their usual date where Jeff took her to the diner, and she pretended to care about the baseball team. He blinked, a bit dazed.
“Uh, no…why?” Thankfully, Jeff’s answer ruled out Randy and most of the guys at the school. If any guy was dating Shauna, they’d have definitely bragged about it by now.
“She cancelled our plans for this weekend and won’t tell me why.” Jackie looked out the window contemplatively.
“So you’re free for the weekend? Maybe I could come spend the night instead,” Jeff said suggestively. Jackie’s face scrunched in distaste at the idea. Spending more than three hours with Jeff? She’d literally rather do almost anything else.
“I was actually thinking we should break up,” Jackie popped open the door. Jeff groaned.
“What’d I do this time?”
“I just think we’re going into this year with different priorities. I can’t afford any distractions. Thanks for dinner!” Jackie shut the door and headed for the house.
“Seriously?!” Jeff called through the car window. She was too distracted by her thoughts of Shauna to notice his reaction.
“Bye, Jeff!” Jackie threw over her shoulder and opened the door to her house.
Once again, her parents weren’t home. They were out at some country club event, but that worked just fine for Jackie to avoid any questions about Jeff. She rushed up the stairs to her room, flopping face first onto her bed with a sigh.
She was relieved she didn’t have to kiss Jeff anymore; it was like this massive, looming dread had suddenly disappeared. She was always relieved whenever they broke up, but something about this time felt final. Rolling onto her back, she instinctively reached out, grabbed the phone, and dialed Shauna’s number.
It rang several times, longer than usual, before it was answered. “Shauna?” There was no immediate answer on the other end. “Deb?”
“Sorry, it’s me. I was just...what’s up?” Something sounded off about Shauna’s voice. She sounded disheveled and strained, almost like she was out of breath.
“Ship, are you okay?”
“Fine.” Her answer was short, followed by a deep, steadying breath. “What did you call about?”
“Oh,” Jackie had nearly forgotten why she had called in the first place, so thrown by Shauna’s response, “I, um, I broke up with Jeff tonight.”
The line fell silent.
“Yeah, I just couldn’t keep pretending to find him interesting anymore, and you know how needy he’s been recently. It’s like he can’t even go a day without seeing me. It was honestly getting a little pathetic... Anyways, now we can have our full weekends back, right?” Jackie asked, hopefully. The line was still quiet. “Shauna?” Jackie prompted.
“Right! Right,” Shauna snapped back to the conversation. “You’re way better off without him anyway.”
“You’re sure you can’t hang out this weekend?” Jackie twirled the phone line around her finger.
“Sorry, Jax. Really wish I could, but something came up. I, um, actually have to go now, sorry—love you, bye.” Shauna hung up in a whirlwind. Jackie pulled back the phone to look at it as if it had any answers. She put the phone back on the receiver with a sigh.
She was going to get to the bottom of this if it was the last thing she’d do.
————————————
When Shauna picked her up for school on Monday morning but wouldn’t turn to face her when she got in the car, alarm bells went off in Jackie’s head. Shauna always greeted her when she entered the car; half of the time they held each others’ gaze for Jackie’s entire walk from her front door to the car. It was one of Jackie’s favorite parts of the day, watching Shauna’s lips twitch up into a small smile that she tried to hide every morning.
“Shauna?” Jackie leaned forward to look at Shauna, but she turned her head further away.
“What’s up, Jax?” Shauna asked her window.
“What are you doing?” Jackie tugged at Shauna’s flannel from the elbow. Still, she didn’t budge.
“Nothing.”
“Turn this way.”
“I’m good.” Jackie sighed at the flippant response.
She slid her fingers up Shauna’s nape, grabbing a hold of her hair and tilting Shauna’s head toward her. She could’ve sworn Shauna’s eyes flashed gold, but that might’ve just been the morning sun shining on them. Her eyes had always been really gorgeous in the sunlight.
Jackie didn’t have time to dwell on her eyes, as the bandage across Shauna’s nose immediately grabbed her attention. She cupped Shauna’s face in her hands, pulling her slightly across the center console as her brows furrowed. “What happened?”
Shrugging, Shauna looked off to the side as her cheeks reddened. “I just…ran into a door. It’s not that bad.”
She was lying again. Between the tone of voice and the way her eyes flickered, avoiding Jackie’s, it was clear. “Okay, what is with you!?” Jackie squeezed Shauna’s cheeks between her palms in frustration. Shauna winced, and Jackie immediately lessened the pressure, torn between concern and frustration.
“Let me see,” she soothed, bringing one hand up to the bandage. It was obvious that Deb hadn’t seen the injury, as the wound care was missing the usual professional flare.
“Jackie, don’t—“ Shauna tried to start but stopped at the glare Jackie sent her. She eased her nail under the bandage and peeled carefully. Shauna still winced at the adhesive separating from her skin, but a petty part of Jackie was satisfied with that.
A frown firmly set on Jackie’s face when she uncovered the wound. There was an open gash across Shauna’s nose with bruising surrounding it. Jackie probably would have believed that Shauna had walked into a door if it hadn’t been Shauna who said it. (Her lying habits hadn’t changed since she told Jackie that her dad was leaving to become the president of Hello Kitty.)
Relieved that there wasn’t a whole chunk of Shauna’s nose missing—Jackie tended to catastrophize—she resealed the bandage. Leaning in, she pressed a gentle kiss to Shauna’s nose before sitting back in her seat. Shauna’s eyes fluttered then turned confused as she looked at Jackie, arms crossed with a prominent frown. “What happened?” Jackie asked again.
“I told you—“
“You lied,” Jackie corrected, and Shauna floundered.
“Are you seeing someone?” Jackie blurted, “Are they hurting you?”
“What?” Shauna shook her head in disbelief, her brows furrowed and her mouth dropped open. “How did you even get—No!”
“…to which question?” Jackie played with her fingers, trying to look unaffected. Shauna scoffed, and even though Jackie wasn't looking, she knew that meant Shauna had rolled her eyes and shaken her head.
“We’re gonna be late for school.” Shauna ended the conversation, throwing the car into drive and pulling away from the curb.
Glancing over toward Shauna, Jackie saw the telltale grip on the steering wheel. The leather of the wheel creaked beneath her fingers—she was upset. So if Shauna wasn’t seeing somebody—what was it? Why had she been lying and avoiding Jackie?
By the time Shauna parked, the parking lot and sidewalk was swarmed with their classmates. Jackie turned toward Shauna, but she was already out the door with keys in hand. “See you at lunch,” she grumbled and slammed the door shut. Jackie leaned her head back against the headrest and sighed. This really was taking all of her accumulated Shauna knowledge to crack. She got out of the car, locked the door behind her, and entered the school.
She had nearly forgotten that she’d broken up with Jeff over the weekend until she saw him waiting at her locker with roses in hand. She looked around, trying to find any of the team who might be able to intervene, but saw no one but Allie. Fuck her morning.
Jackie walked up to her locker, ignoring Jeff leaning next to her. She input her code, popping it open to put her bag away, and pulled out the books she needed for class.
“I’m sorry, Jackie,” Jeff held out the bouquet of flowers. Jackie sighed, already over the incoming conversation.
“What are you sorry about, Jeff?”
“I—um, I’m sorry about whatever I did to make you break up with me…again.” Jeff smiled as if that had been a good answer. Resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose, Jackie took a deep breath.
“We’re not getting back together.” Jackie slammed her locker door shut, drawing a few onlookers.
“Come on, Jax,” Jackie almost flinched hearing that nickname from him, “we always get back together.”
“We’re done, Jeff.” Jackie turned to head toward class, but his hand on her shoulder stopped her. It wasn’t aggressive or cruel, just a touch to regain her attention.
“Hey, can we talk about this—“
“She said it’s over, Jeff,” Shauna interrupted, grabbing his arm and throwing it off of Jackie. Jackie startled at Shauna’s sudden appearance, turning to face her. Shauna definitely hadn’t been in the hallway earlier, and Jackie knew she had AP Lit first period today, which was in a completely different wing of the school.
Rolling his eyes, Jeff scoffed. “This is between me and Jackie, Shauna.” Jeff looked at her, as if she would support his side of things when Shauna was right there.
All the while, Jackie hadn’t taken her eyes off of Shauna, her form primed for a fight. It was a sight not uncommon, but usually she was in her soccer uniform. The way that her back tensed against her flannel wasn’t a sight Jackie was often treated to, especially not sober.
“Jackie wants you to back off, right Jax?” Shauna met her gaze, and Jackie’s breath hitched quietly at the intensity there. She nodded, and then seemed to remember herself.
“Right. We have nothing else to say to each other.” She turned back to Jeff. He looked more put out at her response than anything.
“Whatever, Jackie.”
Shauna snatched the bouquet of roses from his hand and threw all but one of them into one of the hallway trash cans. “And Jackie likes poppies, idiot.” Jeff gaped at them as Shauna led Jackie to her first period.
Once they were far enough away, Shauna handed Jackie the single rose, “Just in case you actually wanted one.”
The action gave Jackie butterflies. She grabbed the rose from Shauna, didn’t even look at it, and tossed it into the next trash can they passed. “You were right. Roses are so cliché.” Jackie shrugged, and held her books tighter to her chest.
Shauna’s lips lifted into a small smile at that, and it was almost enough to make Jackie forget about this morning. Almost. Except evidence of Shauna’s lies was still staring her right in the face.
When they reached her first class of the day—Physics, ugh—Jackie turned to Shauna. “Thanks,” Jackie’s smile was small but genuine, “but you should go. You’ll be late.”
Jackie reached out to push against Shauna’s shoulder, playfully urging her away, but Shauna didn’t even waiver an inch. She gently pulled Jackie’s hand from her shoulder, giving it a squeeze before dropping it to the side. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll make it in time—see you at lunch, right?”
Jackie had whiplash at how different Shauna’s tone was compared to just ten minutes ago. Ten minutes ago the sentence had sounded so disgruntled, and now it sounded almost hopeful. Wordlessly, she nodded. Shauna flashed one of Jackie’s favorite smiles—her cute, shy one—before briskly walking off into the hallway among the thinning crowd. Jackie felt dazed. She clenched her hand, trying to conjure up the feeling of Shauna underneath her when she tried to push her. Had she always felt that solid? Surely Jackie would have noticed that. It was extremely important.
She guessed that Shauna had forgiven her? At the very least she didn’t seem to be upset with her anymore…for the moment. Though, Jackie had the tendency and unique ability to alter Shauna’s moods at the drop of a hat. Still, the image of Shauna’s back, standing between her and Jeff, paired with the hopeful smile she left with? Jackie had a lot to focus on.
The bell rang, and she doubted Shauna had made it back to class in time. A throat clearing knocked her from her thoughts as Mrs. Calhoun stood in the door, waiting to close it.
“Sorry, Mrs. C!” Jackie smiled sheepishly and ducked into class, hurrying to her seat.
She placed her books out on the lab bench, already knowing that she was not going to retain a single concept taught that day.
————————————
As the days passed, Jackie and Jeff’s break up became even more solidified. Jackie had meant it when they broke up, and it seemed like Jeff was finally starting to understand that. She wasn’t all that upset about it; she never even really liked Jeff. She just knew that she should. He was what was expected and most of the time, when he wasn’t begging for intimacy and sex, it was easy. Just something Jackie had to deal with. It was pretend, and she had always been great at pretending.
It’s not that her excuse was made up either; she did have other priorities at the moment. Like graduating and National’s and Shauna.She was always just biding her time until she and Shauna could leave Wiskayok together.
Whenever she pictured her future, Shauna was the only one that mattered. The only constant. She and Shauna at Rutgers. She and Shauna in their apartment. She wasn’t sure if they’d move to New York or Philly or Boston yet, but she knew they’d be there together. It wasn’t even a question to Jackie—it was an inevitability.
An inevitability that never had space for a boyfriend or a husband—not really.
By the end of the week, Jeff had finally stopped hovering around trying to talk to her, but every time he so much as glanced her way it seemed like Shauna popped up out of nowhere, glaring daggers at him. It usually turned some heads. Most of the team rolled their eyes, but Jackie always felt a rush. She purposefully started walking in areas of the school she knew Jeff would be at, just for the thrill of seeing Shauna’s reaction.
There had been nary a moment throughout the week where Jackie had been without Shauna by her side. The only times where they weren’t side by side were when they were in different classes.
It was a sudden—but not unwelcome—change. In fact, Jackie welcomed it wholeheartedly. Usually, Shauna liked to have her own time and space at school, and they only met up at lunch, practice, and shared classes. But now, Shauna was meeting her between each and every class. Even when they got into another early morning spat on Thursday, she still showed up between classes to walk next to Jackie while simultaneously giving her the cold shoulder.
Jackie had been the most confused about Shauna’s behavior in years. Whenever Shauna was upset, she always wanted space—except suddenly now, she didn’t. The whole fight itself had been strange too. Jackie had wanted to see how her nose was healing, and Shauna completely shut her down. Then she went all silent treatment—which was usually Jackie’s thing. It blew over by practice, but it was another thing added to Jackie’s ongoing list.
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That weekend, Jackie went over to Shauna’s for their standing sleepover. Something in her was buzzing with anticipation for her Shauna time. Maybe it was the fact that they hadn’t had their sleepover the week prior, or maybe it was the fact that Shauna had been driving Jackie crazy all week. Barely throwing a goodbye to her parents over her shoulder, Jackie was out the door as soon as she was out of the shower and finished packing her overnight bag.
She drove over to Shauna’s (Yes, she was able to drive. She just preferred it when Shauna did.) She parked in front of the house, grabbed her bag, and hopped out of the car. She didn’t knock on the door, simply used her spare and strolled in. Shutting the door behind her, the smell of Chinese food hit her nostrils. She hummed happily—her parents would sooner be caught dead than eat takeout.
“Jackie?” Deb called out from the kitchen.
Walking into the home, she tossed her bag on the recliner in the living room, and entered the kitchen. Deb was there, portioning out the various foods from their containers onto three plates.
“Hi, Deb!” Jackie joined her side, giving her a quick hug. Deb’s hands were occupied, so she simply rested her cheek on Jackie’s head to return the embrace. It was still more warmth than Jackie’s mother had voluntarily shown her in years. After a moment, Jackie stepped back from the hug and looked at the food. She saw her favorite, chicken fried rice, among the containers.
“Shauna’s still up in her room. I’m gonna have to dine and dash to make it to the hospital on time, but you girls will be fine, right?” Deb wiped her hands off on a dish towel, then squeezed Jackie’s shoulders. Jackie nodded.
“We’ll be perfect.”
Deb smiled, giving Jackie one more squeeze before grabbing her plate and heading to the table.
Jackie walked back to the living room to grab her bag, then headed up the stairs. She took them two at a time in order to get up to Shauna’s room as quickly as possible. She heard the shower running as she headed up to the attic, and figured Shauna was getting rid of the post-practice funk.
Entering Shauna’s room, she placed her bag where she always did beside the vanity, kicked off her shoes, and then flopped back onto the bed. Sighing, she stared at the ceiling, then glanced around the room. It had the usual untidiness of Shauna’s room, but Jackie did see some used gauze in the small trash can next to the vanity. She frowned—had Shauna gotten hurt again? If she had, it definitely hadn’t been at practice.
The water cut, and a few minutes later Shauna was entering her room in her towel.
“Hey, Jax,” she didn’t even look surprised to see her. Jackie pouted a bit at that, she had been hoping for some bit of surprise. Her eyes followed as Shauna walked into her closet area, heading for her pajama drawer.
“Hey, your mom is heading out soon, but dinner is downstairs.”
Shauna laughed at that. Used to towel changing, she slipped on her underwear and tossed a t-shirt on before letting the towel drop. Jackie didn't look away—maybe she should have.
“Of course, she tells the favorite,” Shauna joked as she slipped on a pair of pajama boxers. Jackie’s head tilted to the side as she examined the way they fell against Shauna’s thighs. “Jax?”
Jackie glanced up just in time for Shauna to turn toward her. She shrugged, trying to fight back the sudden heat in her cheeks, “I’m just not embarrassed to hug her in public.” Jackie hopped out of the bed and grabbed Shauna by the shoulders. “Chop, chop. We have food to eat and activities to do.” She spun Shauna around, Shauna allowing it to happen this time, and walked her out of the room.
Dinner was a fast affair, especially with how quickly Shauna wolfed down her plate. She went back for seconds before Jackie even finished her serving of chicken fried rice. Was this appetite really just from practice? Was Shauna going through another growth spurt? Jackie still remembered the day Shauna had inched past her height.
“You’re still hungry?” Jackie couldn’t help but ask when Shauna went for a third serving. Shauna frowned. Shit, Jackie had definitely sounded like her mother. “I mean, you just normally have two servings.” Shauna looked at her like she was the weird one for noticing.
“I’ve been running more outside of practice, Coach wants me as fast as possible by the start of the actual season,” Shauna explained as she dished out her third—but final—serving. Jackie nodded, staring down at the remains of her chicken fried rice, pushing it around the plate, and feeling a bit chastised. As if she could comment on anyone’s eating habits.
Luckily, Shauna didn’t seem too upset with her, and didn’t bring it up again as they finished eating.
After cleaning up, they moved to the living room to watch a movie. It was Shauna’s turn to pick. She chose Thelma & Louise, a favorite of hers, and Jackie could never argue against Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon. By the end, Jackie was crying yet again, leaning against Shauna who had some tears rolling down her cheeks too. They sat after the movie finished for a bit, giving themselves time to breathe. The movie never got easier to watch, but Jackie still loved it. She would do the same if it was her and Shauna—in a heartbeat.
She made sure to rewind the tape this time, then the pair retreated back to Shauna’s room for the rest of their night.
They gossiped about their classmates, listened to music, took some magazine quizzes, talked about anything and everything that came to mind (though Shauna was quick to steer the conversation away from Jackie prying into the previous weekend), and laid side by side, just basking in each other’s company. Jackie was struck once more by how warm Shauna was. She always ran warmer than Jackie did, but Jackie could actually feel the warmth buzzing off of Shauna from a foot away. It was inviting, beckoning her to cuddle closer.
Jackie flipped onto her side, looking at Shauna’s face as she stared up at the ceiling. She loved Shauna’s profile. She could gaze at her stern brow—always thinking about something—for hours. Jackie could fall into Shauna’s eyes, and quite often found herself lost in them. She had agonized over the adorable bump on the bridge of her nose for years, pressing her fair share of kisses to it since they were toddlers. Surprisingly, there wasn’t even a mark left on it from her injury earlier that week. Not to mention her lips, always so pouty; it had been worse since she knew what they felt like against hers. Just as soft as they looked.
“What?” Shauna asked, flipping onto her side to face Jackie. Jackie quickly looked up to Shauna’s eyes.
“Nothing—I just…” She trailed off, eyes trailing back down to Shauna’s mouth. Something settled within her. There was no need to pretend here. There was only something that Jackie always felt but never truly allowed herself before, coming to the surface—want.
“Jax?” Shauna whispered into the space between them. Her eyes wide, her breath short.
At the nickname, Jackie closed the gap, pressing her lips to Shauna’s. She just couldn’t help herself. It had been a while since they’d last kissed, but it was just as soft as Jackie remembered. She pulled back slightly, just a few millimeters, after one kiss to see what Shauna would do. She barely had to wait a second before Shauna was surging forward with such fervor she rolled Jackie onto her back. Jackie hummed happily, cupping Shauna’s face.
Kissing Shauna felt so much better than kissing Jeff ever had. Jackie felt present in the kiss, not like she was simply going through the motions and watching herself from the outside. Kissing Jeff had been predictable—kissing Shauna was anything but. It was a dance where they took turns leading, a push and pull. Why had she ever done something other than kiss Shauna? Was she an idiot?
Shauna grabbed at her waist as she tilted her head, deepening the kiss. Jackie gasped at feeling each finger sink into her skin, rolling up into Shauna, chasing a delicious pressure. Now with Shauna fully on top of her, Jackie realized what a furnace she was. Jackie slipped her tongue into Shauna’s mouth, sliding it against Shauna’s. She wanted to catalogue each and every one of Shauna’s teeth by the time she was done.
There was a squeak, a gasp, and then Jackie was cold. Her eyes opened at the sudden wrongness. Shauna had practically thrown herself to the other side of the bed. Her arms were crossed over her heaving chest, with her hands tucked away under her arms. She cleared her throat. “I think we should, um, stop there.”
“Oh,” Jackie mumbled, her throat suddenly tight. She thought Shauna had been enjoying herself—had she not been? Had Jackie misread everything about them? She was not going to cry about this, she thought while fighting back tears. “Okay,” Jackie tried to smile through the rejection. Shauna was her best friend; she didn’t feel the same way Jackie did, and that was okay. She would get over it, she lied to herself.
Jackie flipped on her side facing away from Shauna and curled up slightly. Gravity freed some of the tears she’d been holding back. They dropped down onto the pillow. “Goodn-ight,” Jackie tried to say steadily, but her voice cracked in the middle. She slammed her eyes shut, hoping that the mattress might break open and swallow her whole. There was no way Shauna hadn’t heard that.
“Jax, are you crying?” An insistent hand pulled at her arm, turning her on her back once more. Jackie had already covered her face with her hands. She shook her head. Shauna apparently couldn’t leave well enough alone, though, and grabbed her wrists, pulling them away from Jackie’s eyes. “Hey, what’s going on?”
Jackie still had her eyes closed, refusing to see the look on Shauna’s face at the moment. She didn’t want to see the disgust, or worse—pity. She doubted she could run away before Shauna caught her, since she was apparently The Flash now. The best thing she could do was apologize, try to save face, and hope Shauna didn't hate her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to force you.” Jackie spoke so quietly, she doubted Shauna would have heard her if they weren’t in bed together.
“What?”
“It won’t happen again. It didn’t have to mean anything.” Jackie rambled on, saying anything and everything she could to make sure Shauna didn't leave her.
“We could just forget about it, right? It was just practice. A-and—“Jackie spiraled, losing track of what she was even saying, when arms wrapped around her tightly, pulling her back into warmth once more. Shauna squeezed like she was afraid Jackie would try to run, and Jackie felt herself instantly soothing.
“I just meant to stop for tonight. You didn’t make me do anything, and…I’d like it if we did that again. Not as practice.” Shauna spoke directly into Jackie’s ear then pressed a long kiss to her cheek.
“Really?” Jackie mumbled. She had no idea what kissing without the pretense of it being practice would make them—she hadn’t really thought that far ahead—but Jackie would take it. Anything as long as she was able to keep kissing Shauna.
“Really,” Shauna nuzzled against Jackie’s cheek.
Peeking her eyes open, Jackie turned her head toward Shauna, until their noses touched. “Okay,” she whispered. Shauna quickly leaned forward, giving Jackie a peck before separating once more.
Turning her entire body toward Shauna, she curled into her warmth, tucking under her chin. Shauna kept her arms wrapped around Jackie, and Jackie was quick to tangle their legs. They were so intertwined that Jackie wasn’t sure where she ended and Shauna began. It was a wonderful, secure feeling, and for the first time in months, Jackie wasn’t thinking about anything else.