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YOU- You have no idea what time it is when you stumble up the steps to Kim Kitsuragi’s apartment. What you do know is that it’s a Friday night, that it’s unseasonably cold for spring, and you feel like absolute, total, complete shit.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT)- The streets are near empty. You passed maybe two people on your way here, and most lights in people's windows have been shut off for the night. It must be at least two in the morning.
SHIVERS [Medium: Success]- You shake, the cold of the night seeping into your bones. People across Revochol are asleep comfortably in their beds. Somewhere in the city a woman stirs for a moment in her sleep. She pulls her partner closer, sighing contently at the warmth. You step on an empty beer can left on the street with an echoing crunch.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Easy: Success]- You should go home. You’re freezing. The tips of your fingers are blue, your hands are shaking.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success]- That’s not the reason your hands are shaking. You know what you need, and it's waiting at the bar just down the road.
YOU- It's been more than a month since Martinaise, since you woke up with no memory of yourself or the world around you. More than a month since you met Kim and he transferred to your precinct. Life has been tumultuous since then, to say the least. You settled back into work at 41st, trying both to relearn how to do your job and navigate the rocky relationships that you decided were less important than the bottle.
You’re trying to get better. You really are. You barely remember most of your life, and yet you can see the scars you’ve left on everyone and things around you. But… old habits die hard, and years of alcohol abuse seem to be no exception. You want to get better, and you truly are trying, but you can’t help it when the days or nights get bad and something to dull the feelings seems like it’s the only option. Whatever temporary relief you feel is always quickly followed by unbearable shame.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success]- But not this time, surely .
VOLITION [Formidable: Success]- No, it will. You know what happened last time you felt like this, remember?
YOU- I do…
THE FIRST TIME- You didn’t know what to expect when you returned to Jamrock, but you learned very quickly the state you left your apartment in. Your small basement apartment was a disgusting cesspit of destruction and self-loathing, filled with the stench of a man who wants to die. It made your hotel room in Martinaise seem like paradise. The idea that you lived in a place like this had you floored. You couldn’t believe your landlord hasn’t evicted you yet.
INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]- He dreams of it, but you’ve wrecked the place too much for anyone else at this point. He’s cutting his losses letting you stay.
THE FIRST TIME- You tried your best to turn it into a livable place. Kim helped too, in a gesture you surely don’t deserve. You tried to gut the place, to get rid of broken objects, moldy takeout containers, and of course, the countless bottles found in places that shouldn’t make sense. Under the stained couch, stuffed in a boot, even one jammed in a fist sized hole in the drywall. The lieutenant knows your habits as much as anyone, but still you couldn’t help the fact that you wanted to shrivel up and die as he saw the state of the home you can’t even remember. It was a fucking shithole, a graveyard to your past habits.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success]- People, places, and things- a saying in addiction recovery. Refers to individuals, locations, and objects that trigger those with substance abuse issues.
LOGIC [Easy: Success]- Yeah, and your apartment has at least two out of three of those. You should have known that you’d relapse living like that.
EMPATHY [Challenging: Success]- It wasn’t your fault what happened. That environment would be damaging for anyone.
THE FIRST TIME- It took you three days of living there again to lose your absolute shit. The place reeked of ghosts and memories that meant nothing and everything to you at the same time, with alcohol and drugs stuffed in the absurd places causing the most mundane tasks to reveal the skeletons in your closet.
THE FIRST TIME- On your third day you were late for work, and Kim found you passed out on your floor, powder and bottles around you like a crime scene.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Trivial: Success]- You remember the look on his face when you stirred, only after he shoved you fully clothed into your shower to sober up-
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Success: Medium]- Disappointment.
HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]- Disgust.
EMPATHY [Formidable: Success]- Fear of losing you.
THE LAST TIME- You were good for a while after that, even if you were suffering through the effects of at least 3 different types of withdrawal. It was fucking hard, but you were determined. Well- at least for a bit. You don’t even know what it was that time that set you off.
INLAND EMPIRE [Godly: Success]- The smell of apricots, following everywhere you went. You couldn’t find the source no matter what.
THE LATEST TIME- Everything that day was awful. Work was sucked, home was empty and painful. Not that it matters, you can barely remember that day anyway. Flashes of it exist in your memory, the rest drowned in Commodore Red. You wandered the streets of Jamrock, moving from Frittte to Frittte, bar to bar until the sun came down, the rain started pouring, and you could probably track your movements from the bottles left in your wake and the scent of booze that followed. You don’t know how you got there (it seems like your feet know the city better than your mind these days) but suddenly you’re walking up a set of steps, knocking on a door, and you’re face to face with lieutenant Kitsuragi.
YOU- “Kim!-” You slurred happily at the sight of the detective, like it was a surprise that you were walking up to his apartment and about to interrupt his dinner. You threw your arms open wide as if going in for a hug, his eyes glancing from the look on your face to the bottle grasped in your right hand.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Trivial: Success]- And then you threw up all over his shoes.
THE SECOND TIME- And then his kitchen sink. And also his bathtub
VISUAL CALCULUS [Challenging: Failure]- Somehow.
VOLITION [Medium: Success]- You had alcohol poison then, Harry. You were lucky you were with Kim that night.
YOU- Yeah, well I must be the luckiest bastard in Rechoval.
YOU- You blink, and suddenly you realize you've been walking for a long time.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT)- Just like last time, here you are. The bottom of Lieutenant Kitsuragi’s stairs. However, unlike last time, you’re stone cold sober.
HALF LIGHT [Medium: Success]- The urge to turn around overwhelms you out of nowhere.
VOLITION [Challenging: Success]- It’s okay. Just take it one step at a time.
RHETORIC [Easy: Success]- and he means like literally
YOU- Slowly, you make your way up the stairs, hesitating for a moment when you actually reach the door. After a long moment you finally knock on the door, incredibly softly, as if you’re afraid to wake him up.
HALF LIGHT [Medium: Success]- You are. You should go home. Now.
LOGIC [Easy: Success]- It’s late, there’s a good chance the lieutenant is asleep.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success]- Yes, better to bother a bartender instead.
EMPATHY [Challenging: Success]- Knock, he will not mind. You know this.
YOU- You stand there for somewhere between thirty seconds and a lifetime. Your heart hammers in your chest for some reason.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium: Failure]- Maybe you’re having a heart attack.
YOU- What? Am I?
LOGIC [Trivial: Success]- No.
PERCEPTION (HEARING ) [Easy: Success]- Finally, when it feels like you’re approaching your second lifetime of standing there you hear something behind the door. Quick footsteps, followed by the sound of the door unlocking.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success]- The quiet, practiced steps of a RCM officer.
KIT KITSURAGI- The lieutenant opens the door, its hinges squeaking slightly as it does. “Detective?” He says blinking at you.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success]- Though quickly clearing up, his eyes hold the fog of sleep. You most definitely woke him up. He’s wearing just a tank top and a pair of shorts, showing off lean but toned limbs. He shivers as the cold spring air brushes past him and into his apartment.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success]- Goosebumps appear on his pale arms like a trail leading up his shoulders to his neck-
KIM KITSURAGI- “Detective.” He says again more firmly when you don’t answer right away. “Are you alright?” He’s looking you up and down, taking in your appearance.
SUGGESTION [Trivial: Success]- He thinks you're drunk. Or high. Again.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success]- You should be. You could be right now.
- DRAMA (Formidable)- Look around at your surroundings dramatically, “Huh… This isn’t my apartment. Oops, see you tomorrow, Kim”
- “Kim, I miss alcohol so fucking bad I'm this close to drinking myself to death tonight. Help me, please.”
- Start uncontrollably sobbing.
- “Hi…”
YOU- “Hi...”
LOGIC [Failure: Medium]- That’s all you say!?
YOU- I don’t think any other option was any better.
KIM KITSURAGI- His eyes continue to run over you, taking in your appearance. From the dark circles around your eyes to the clamminess of your face, you look downright miserable. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
EMPATHY [Medium: Failure]- Oh God, you’re making him worry. Fuck , you massive fuck up. You’ve made the lieutenant worry about you.
YOU- You’re getting cold feet. You desperately want to turn around, fuck whatever happens. “No, no. Nothing happened. I- I just-” Your hands shake at your side, and you put them to your lips, trying to warm them up. It’s just now you realize your whole body is shaking.
LOGIC [Trivial: Success]- You’re wearing not nearly enough clothing for this weather.
KIM KIRSURAGI- The lieutenant’s mouth is a thin line. He says nothing for a moment, as every nerve in your body feels like it’s in flight or fight (with an emphasis on flight) when finally he opens the door wider, “Come inside, now.” He says, tone even.
YOU- You follow Kim wordlessly. He closes the door behind you, shutting out the cold. He walks ahead of you as you slip off your shoes, placing them on the mat where his already sit. You follow him through the doorway, entering the kitchen.
KIM KIRSURAGI- He turns to his cabinet, opening it to reveal a collection of dishes. “I know it’s late, detective, but can I get you anything? Tea, water?”
YOU- You shake your head, the thought of anything in your stomach right now makes you want to hurl. “No thank you, Kim.” You say, slumping into the kitchen chair behind him.
KIM KIRSURAGI- He nods, before turning back to you. He takes the seat opposite of you, leaning forward on his elbows, folding his hands in thought. You feel like you’re being analysed. A bead of sweat trickles down your back.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Failure]- He’s thinking what to do with you. What that is, you have no idea.
YOU- You sit there for a long moment, the tick of a clock from somewhere in the apartment echoing in your head.
KIM KIRSURAGI- “Harry.” He says finally, your first name on his tongue snapping your head up from where it slumped. Behind the lenses of his glasses his eyes seem deadly serious.
KIM KIRSURAGI- “Please tell me what is wrong. Truthfully.”
YOU- “I-” You hesitate.
VOLITION [Challenging: Success]- Deep breathes. It's okay. Be honest with him, he’s seen you worse.
HALF LIGHT [Trivial: Success]- Much worse.
YOU- “I haven’t-” You swallow. It feels hard to get words out suddenly. “I haven’t done anything in week-”
DRAMA [Easy: Success]- 6 days, 17 hours.
YOU- “No alcohol, no… no nothing. I’m trying to be good Kim, but-
- “I miss her.”
- “I can’t do it”
- “I feel awful.”
- Saying nothing
YOU- “I feel fucking awful. Like, not even just in my brain. I can’t sleep. I feel so sick, I can’t stop shaking.” Your voice dies in your throat, and you run a shaky hand over your face. “I’m going to do something bad, Kim.” You whisper.
KIM KITSURAGI- He looks at you, carefully composed as always, but you can tell there’s a million different thoughts flying through his head.
EMPATHY [Easy: Success]- He is deeply worried about you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success]- For no fucking reason, brother. You’ve been drinking since you came out of the womb. Why stop now?
KIM KITSURAGI- He hesitates for a millisecond, something barely recognizable to anyone but those that would know his mannerisms, before reaching across the table to you. He places the back of his hand to your forehead. It's warm and clammy to the touch. He frowns
KIM KITSURAGI- “It’s freezing outside but you’re sweating. Shaking too.” He says, more to himself than you. Another pause. “When was the last time you slept, detective?” He says finally.
YOU- “Uh,” You say, letting out a breath. You feel your head droop against the lieutenant hand. He’s not wearing his gloves, his hand cold but rough with his years in the force. “I… got maybe a few hours last night.”
RHETORIC [Medium: Success]-You're lying. You have no clue.
PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Trivial: Success]- The lieutenant lets out a little sigh, the only visible sign of stress from him as he pulls away.
INLAND EMPIRE [Formidable: Success]- You feel colder all of a sudden.
KIM KITSURAGI- “All your symptoms are typical of a person in active withdrawal still. Since you’re so used to… substances… your body is suffering without them. That's why you're physically so unwell.” He looks around the room, crossing his arms. “Don't walk home tonight, Detective. Sleep here tonight, please. We can figure out longer term solutions tomorrow, but right now you look like you really need to sleep.”
SUGGESTION [Easy: Success]- He’s saying you look like shit.
YOU- You nod, your head drooping as you do. The idea of sleep seems like paradise- divine yet unachievable.
ENDURANCE [Trivial: Success]- You’re absolutely fucking exhausted, right down to the bone.
KIM KITSURAGI- “I will get you some blankets and set you up on the couch.” He stands up from the chair. He’s about to leave, when he turns and places a hand on your shoulder.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Formidable: Success]- There's a look of something in his eyes-
EMPATHY [Challenging: Success]- Sympathy. He hates to see you like this. If he can do anything to help he will.
KIM KITSURAGI- For a moment you think he’s going to say something, but he just squeezes your shoulder. He then turns and walks around the corner to retrieve your blankets.
YOU- As he leaves you let out a deep, shaky breath, placing your head in your hands as you try to soothe your nerves. Despite everything it feels better to not be alone.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable: Success]- But it doesn’t fix everything, does it? There’s still a deep, black, hole in your heart. One you can’t mend with “friends” or talking about your feelings like a fucking child. Get out of here, loser .
VOLITION [Medium: Success]- Don’t listen to him. If you leave now you might never come back. Ever.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY- You’re starving yourself, Harry. Sobrieties supposed to be good for you, huh? So why do you feel like you’re fucking dying?
- You're right…
- VOLITION (Challenging)- Stop it
VOLITION [Challenging: Failure]- Shut up.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY- What? Are you seriously telling me I'm wrong? You're more pathetic than I thought. I know you better than you know yourself, Harry-boy. Stop pretending that you're better than you are. You'll never, ever, be truly happy with yourself, but you can at least find some glimpses of it in bottles and pills.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success]- Completing cases makes you feel good.
EMPATHY [Easy: Success]- Kim makes you feel good.
VOLITION [Challenging: Success]- You're going to kill yourself like this.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY- WHO CARES! You're here for a good time, not a fucking long time.
YOU-
- I do.
- I don’t
HALF LIGHT- It's been long enough, hasn't it?
YOU- An awful, violent wave of nausea washes over you out of nowhere, your head swimming as you look up around the kitchen. Hot bile swirls in the pit of your stomach, feeling dangerously close to coming crawling up your throat.
HALF LIGHT [Trivial: Success]- You can’t breathe right. No air getting into your lungs.
YOU- You’re on your feet suddenly, feeling like you’re starting to float outside your body. You’re moving, and a moment later you feel more than actually see your hand close around a door knob. You open the door, shivering as the cold air once again crashes over you. You half expect to be on Kim’s front step, but instead you find yourself on his balcony. Good enough. You lean onto the barrier, it’s cold metal seeping into your bones. With one hand you grip onto the bar, knuckles white, the other digging into your pocket. You barely even register what you're doing.
PERCEPTION (TOUCH) [Easy: Success]- Your fingers curl around something, a small rectangular box.
INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]- It’s light, yet feels like a weight.
YOU- You pull out the pack of cigarettes and flip open the top. Three cigarettes jumble around in the carton, the empty space around them loud. You pluck one of them from the box, the feeling familiar to your fingertips. You place the cigarette between your lips.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY- Finally. If you’re not going to drink, the least you can do is smoke. Get that sweet, sweet nicotine in your bloodstream, now . See how you feel after, maybe if you smoke a whole pack you’ll feel better.
YOU- You grab your lighter. With a click a little golden flame appears at the end of it, dancing in the night. You lift the lighter to the cigarette-
HAND/EYE COORDINATION [Godly: Failure]- The flame wobbles, from both the wind and your hands still shaking excessively.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium Success]- Tremors are a common symptom for people going through withdrawal.
COMPOSURE [Legendary: Failure] - You try your best to steady your hands but fail. You can’t keep the lighter still enough, the tip of the cigarette not catching. With a large gust of wind the flame is snuffed out.
COMPOSURE- Frustration rips through you at the betrayal of your body. Why can’t anything go right for you?
“FUCK!” You shout suddenly, the sound guttural in your throat as you rip the cigarette from your mouth and chuck it as far as you can over the balcony.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Easy: Success]- It arcs over the balcony and curves downwards. It's a pretty nice throw.
PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Medium: Failure]- “Detective?” Kim says suddenly from behind you. You’ve been too caught up with yourself that you didn’t even hear him. “What are you doing?”
COMPOSURE [Formidable: Failure]- Your face feels warm, embarrassment creeping into you at the thought of the Lieutenant witnessing your outburst.
- “Nothing. Just getting some fresh air.”
- “Contemplating throwing myself off this balcony.”
- “Needed a smoke, but can’t get my fucking hands to stop shaking.”
- “Needed a smoke but my lighters out.”
KIM KITSURAGI- He nods, frowning. “One moment.” He says, walking back inside. Just a few seconds later he returns, lighter and carton of cigarette clasped between his fingers. He takes one from the pack and puts it in his mouth. Using his own lighter he lights it and takes a drag.
YOU- A sudden thought crosses your mind as you watch him do so, “Didn’t you already smoke today?”
KIM KITSURAGI- He exhales, the cloud of smoke floating lazily in the air in front of him. “It’s after midnight, detective. This is my one for today.”
SUGGESTION [Easy: Success]- He *wants* to smoke with you.
Rhetoric [Easy: Success]- Orrrr he just likes smoking in general.
SUGGESTION- No, it’s definitely the former.
KIM KITSURAGI- The lieutenant motions for you to move closer, holding out the carton, his cigarette glowing like a beacon in the dark. You step towards him, taking one from the pack, mirroring him as you again put it between your lips. He takes one more step, extending his hand to you as he flicks on the lighter.
YOU- You lean down slightly as he raises the lighter to the tip of your cigarette, the move feeling as natural as breathing to you. The wind blows by, sending a chill through both of you, and Kim cups a hand around the lighter to shield the flame.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial: Success]- His hand grazes your cheek as he does so, and with a start the cigarette lights up. You breathe in, smoke immediately rushing to your lungs.
YOU- You inhale, feeling the nicotine flooding into your bloodstream like an old friend. You take a few more puffs, and while you still shake eventually it settles down enough to easily raise the cigarette to your mouth over and over.
YOU- You let out a deep exhale, your smoke mixing with Kim’s as you finally turn back to him. “Thank you.” You say.
KIM KITSURAGI- “Don’t mention it.” He says, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Trivial: Success]- Really. He means it.
YOU- The two of you stand in silence for a minute. Despite Kim and your best efforts your head is still a swirling jumble of thoughts. You feel like everything inside you is begging to burst out, damn the consequences.
EMPATHY [Easy: Success]- You can tell that the lieutenant sees this too, but he doesn't say anything. He's letting you decide what you want to say.
- Stub your cigarette and go back inside.
- COMPOSURE [Challenging]- Tell him just enough to feel better
- VOLITION [Medium]- Tell Kim how you're *really* feeling.
YOU: “It’s so fucking hard, Kim. Sobriety, all of it.” You say finally, feeling like you're confessing something. You try to think, to compose yourself before you speak, but the words start to fall out of your mouth uncontrollably, as if someone opened a dam. “ Fucking hard. And… and I hate myself for it. And I hate everyone else for being able to function without being drunk or high, and I hate… I hate that I’m so much fucking happier when i’m high out of my mind”
COMPOSURE [Failure]- Oh my god…
YOU: “and for a little bit everything just feels so much better, not caring, not feeling, but then I see how else everyone feels, and the fucking look on your face when you see the state I’m in I…” Your voice cracks. “I want to be good. For you, but holy fuck it's hard.”
HALF LIGHT [Challenging: Success]- TOO MUCH.
YOU- You cut your words off with a start, your body jerking almost involuntarily towards the railing. You look at the sea of lights as you take a drag, trying to compose yourself before speaking again.
HALF LIGHT- A wave of regret washes over. Why the hell did you just say all that?
YOU- After an excruciating moment of silence you finally speak, eyes towards the city, not the lieutenant. “Shit, I'm, I’m sorry Kim. I think… I'm just really tired, y’know?” You swallow the lump forming in your throat. You go to smoke again, brow furrowing as you realize it’s burned down to the filter. You groan, snubbing out the butt on the fence. “Sorry…”
YOU- “Just… How do you do it? All of it.” You gesture vaguely at the space in front of you. It doesn't make much sense to you what you're even trying to say, you can't assume it means much more to Kim. “You always seem to know what you're doing.”
KIM KITSURAGI- You let out a deep breath, and finally look at the lieutenant. You don't know what you expect, but it's not the troubled look that has been embedded onto the lieutenant's face.
EMPATHY [Medium: Success]- You don't like that look. It is not one that belongs on him.
KIM KITSURAGI- Kim blinks, “I do not know everything, detective.”
DRAMA [Challenging: Success]- Impossible. He always knows everything.
YOU- “Impossible.”
KIM- Kim takes the last drag of his cigarette, it just now finally burnt down to the filter. “I don’t know how to quit these,” he says as he snuffs the remaining embers under his shoe. “I don’t know the city as intricately as you, nor do I know how to connect to the rest of the 41st. And you seem to always know what's going on in my head despite me almost never knowing what's going through yours.”
YOU- You pause, not really knowing what to say.
KIM KITSURAGI- He looks you in the eye. "No one knows everything, Harry. We all just pretend we do.”
KIM KITSURAGI- The Lieutenant looks out over the balcony, a look you can’t quite decipher in his eyes. Despite his previous claim, for once you don’t know what's swirling in his mind. Finally he sighs, and stands back from the railing. “Let's head inside, detective. Don’t want either of us to catch a cold, hmm?”
ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success]- With that he turns around and enters the apartment, not looking behind him to see if you’re following right behind. Despite saying that he never knows what you’re thinking he seems to realize you need a moment to recollect yourself.
YOU- The wind blows by you, howling as it moves through the corridor of the city. Somehow, some way, despite the pounding in your head and tremors still in your hands, you feel slightly better than when you first knocked on Kim’s door.
VOLITION [Medium: Success]- Not just slightly.
YOU- With one more breath of the icy air you turn back to the door, shutting out the cold as you close it.
INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success]- You're gonna make it to 7 days.