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“What’re you doing?”
A curious voice had Jinchul looking away from the dark sky above. Someone sat on the edge of the ledge next to him with a subtle but prominent presence. He glanced over at where an unfamiliar man dressed in black was swinging his legs into the open air like they weren’t well over twenty stories up.
“Sitting,” Jinchul answered, turning his gaze out at the city covered in darkness beyond them.
“On a building ledge?”
“Is this your building?” It was an honest question.
There was a small pause from the man. “No,” he said after it was over, “I was simply passing by.”
“Mm, I suppose it’s a good night for that.” Jinchul traced a finger over the stone underneath him. “I can find another building if you’d like this place to yourself.”
“I think I’d rather have a chat.”
A hand settled next to his. Black glove covering it, long fingers copying his mindless movement. For probably too long Jinchul watched them. It was almost comforting to be sitting next to this stranger.
“So…why’re you up here?” The mysterious man asked, clearly looking at him.
“Why would anyone be up this high in the middle of the night?” He asked in return. It wasn’t a pointed question, just a simple ask.
“Okay, why would you be up here?”
“I…find that it’s time to move on.”
Jinchul tilted his head back to look up at the sky once more. There were clouds blocking it and if they weren’t there would be too much light to see the stars. It was a peaceful night. A good one.
“Why is that?” The stranger asked, full of questions but not accusing.
“I don’t really know,” he replied, glancing over at the man without lowering his head. “I guess I’m tired.”
“Is there something wrong with this life?”
The way the question was asked made it seem like there was more to it. Like this was just one life that Jinchul could be living. Which could be the guess if he believed in reincarnation.
“No, I don’t believe there is.” His eyes turned back to the sky.
“Then why leave it?”
“Why do people do anything?” He asked in return. But instead of waiting for an answer, he sighed and closed his eyes. “I find that I’ve been missing something. Something that I’m tired of missing, I guess.”
A soft noise came from the stranger as if what he said pained them. “You don’t want to continue living while missing them.” It wasn’t a question nor did it match exactly what Jinchul had said but somehow it fit much better. He was missing someone. “I’m sorry.”
“Why ever would you be apologizing?” Jinchul asked, opening his eyes and lowering his head to look at the man head on.
“Because I know what you’re missing,” he said, gray eyes holding his own dark ones, “and I can’t give it to you.” There was a pain in those eyes that he couldn’t give meaning to but that he felt the same in himself. “It already belongs to someone else.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright,” he said with a shrug. “I’m not entitled to something I never had.”
“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” the glove covered hand grabbed his off the ledge, “knowing that what can help is something that I can never give.”
Jinchul offered the unknown but strangely familiar and comforting man a small smile. “It’s okay,” he said, squeezing the hand holding his, “you don’t have to take on a hurt like that. Whatever this is that I miss isn’t mine to take and you have no obligation to give it.”
“But how is that fair when you would rather end it all than live without it?”
“That’s also not your burden to take on.”
The hand holding his moved to link their fingers and Jinchul couldn’t help looking down at them. It felt right to be like this. With this stranger and holding their hand. Like what he was constantly missing was only a few inches away even if he could never have it.
“I hate doing this to you,” the stranger confessed, voice quiet and head down.
“It’s alright.”
“I…thought you could be happy in this life.” Fingertips pressed into the back of his hand in some sort of act of comfort. “That you could find love and happiness in someone that was capable of loving you back like you deserve.”
“I’m not unhappy,” Jinchul corrected softly even though he didn’t quite understand what the man was talking about. “There’s plenty in my life that makes me happy. Like my sister and her family. My work and parents.” Truly, his life was very nice. “I just…find that I’m tired of missing half of myself that I can’t find.”
Gray eyes lifted to look at him and it hurt to see that sort of guilt sitting in someone. “I’m sorry,” the man apologized, sounding close to tears despite those eyes being dry.
“I don’t see why you should be apologizing.”
“You’re my other half too,” the stranger said, heavy and breakingly honest, “but I know that it means more to you. That it has another meaning.”
“You shouldn’t apologize for that,” Jinchul said with a shake of his head. “It’s not your fault that you can’t reciprocate something.” Something that he could feel in his soul for someone that he had been missing his entire life.
Tears finally made their appearance in gray eyes. Jinchul shifted his position on the ledge to reach his free hand out to wipe them off pale cheeks. It felt wrong to see the man cry. Like it would break his heart. That the very idea of him crying because of him would irrevocably shatter something in him that he didn’t think he could lose.
“I…I can find you another life,” the man said, lifting his other hand to hold the one on his cheek. “You could try again. Find someone that’ll be as devoted to you as you are to me so you can move on.”
“Would that make you happy?” Jinchul didn’t want to see this man sad or hurting because of him.
“I don’t know,” the stranger replied, gray eyes squeezing shut. “You make me happy. You’re…you’ve always been what’s made me happy.” There was a ‘but’ waiting in there that Jinchul was patient enough for. “But I know that it’s different from how I’ve made you happy in the past. It hurts you as much as it mends.”
“That’s okay.” He ran his thumb over the man’s cheek with a smile he couldn’t see. “I’m more than certain that the me that you know was more than content with that.” In another life, he could have been too.
Those tears broke again. The stranger in black sobbed into his hand and Jinchul untangled their fingers to pull him into a hug. It felt like the right thing to do. To hold and comfort this oddly familiar man on the same ledge he had every intention of slipping off when they were done talking.
“It’s not fair on you,” the man cried into his shoulder. “You’re my other half and it hurts to know that I’m the one causing this pain for you.”
“It’s okay,” Jinchul hummed softly, “it’s not your burden to carry. Nor your obligation to fix.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
The confession had him opening his eyes to the night around them. “You don’t have to,” he said quietly. “You can give me a new life and keep me around if that makes you happy.” He couldn’t keep this one but there was always another.
“But you won’t be.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Jinchul took his hand from the man’s cheek to brush back black hair. “I think I’ll be more than happy knowing that you are.”
If this stranger was truly the other half he had been missing his entire life then he was sure he would be happy in another life knowing him. Even if he couldn’t love him back. Because Jinchul knew what it was that he was truly missing and that it simply wasn’t something he could have.
It hadn’t been possible in this life to reconcile with that but there was always another. And one after that and that if his other half truly saw it fit. Jinchul could take an eternity of restlessness and longing if it meant that the one he loved was happy. Maybe not for forever in some lives but in his soul it would be. Whether he made it to thirty or eighty in the next, he knew he could handle another afterwards if he was still happy and whole and loved.