Chapter Text
Harry, Ron and Hermione made it to Lockhart’s classroom with a few minutes to spare. Harry took a seat in the far back and Hermione and Ron sat down on either side of him. The rest of the class came clambering in not long later.
When everyone had settled down, Lockhart loudly cleared his throat and silence fell. He reached down and picked up Neville Longbottom’s copy of “Conquering Cyclops” and held it up to show his own portrait battling a one-eyed monster on the cover.
“Good afternoon, class. My name is Professor Gilderoy Lockhart. This,” He pointed to the portrait of himself on the book cover. “‘Is me. Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award. By the end of this year, you’ll all be able to defend against a Cyclops yourself. Maybe you won’t even need to fight them if you could come to see eye to eye!”
Lockhart waited for them to laugh at the terrible pun; a few people smiled weakly.
“I think we’ll start today with a quick reading then a short quiz to see what you all know so far. Everyone, open up “Chilling with Centaurs” and look at the back of the front cover. There should be instructions for a spell there. Use that spell to reorganize the book then read chapter one. You have ten minutes starting now!”
Harry pulled out the book and looked at the back of the front cover like Lockhart said. There were instructions for a spell that Harry hadn’t noticed before. The Reorganizing spell “ cribra ” meant for highlighting the important parts of a book. Harry easily learned the spell in just two tries and the pages of “Chilling with Centaurs” lit up with a slight glow before dimming down. When Harry looked at the pages again, every page was full of only the instances the character used spells. Harry quickly rushed to complete the chapter. Without all the extra story, it was only a few pages long.
“Time's up! Close your books. I’ll be handing out the quizzes now. These won’t be graded so don’t panic if you didn’t finish reading.” Lockhart passed out the test papers and returned to the front desk. “You have fifteen minutes. Begin!”
Harry looked at the paper in his hands and scrambled to answer each one. It wasn’t going to be graded, but he still wanted to be able to hand in something completed. Before he knew it, time was up and Lockhart had gathered up all the quizzes at the front. He took a quick look at each one with a troubled look before putting the stack of papers down.
“Well, we have a lot of catching up to do. Barely anyone in this class got a good score, which should have been easy as chapter one only had first year spells and this quiz was just first year review questions.”
“Alright, everyone stand up,” Lockhart commanded. The students rushed to stumble out from their seats. “This won’t do at all. At your age, I’d have already been practising subduing dragons,” He bragged, puffing out his chest and pulling down his designer shades. “All it took was just a couple well aimed spells and just like that, the dragon was out. I’ll be showing you all how to do that spell, the Freezing Charm.”
Lockhart pulled out his wand and waited for everyone else to copy him. “Repeat after me. Immobulus!” The class repeated it over and over for a while until Lockhart was satisfied with their pronunciations.
“Perfect, just like that. Master the Freezing Charm, and you can catch dragons just as easily as I can!” Lockhart proudly said. He stood still in deep thought for a moment before lighting up with something to say.
“Work hard and learn spells,
Beat dragons with elegance,
I am so awesome,”
The whole class was silent in befuddled confusion. Lockhart waited for any reaction at all. Harry wasn’t sure what he’d just heard. Was that some sort of poem?
“Erm, Professor Lockhart? Is that supposed to be a Japanese haiku poem?” Hermione finally asked.
“Yes, wasn’t it incredible?” Lockhart asked, clearly pleased with himself.
“Uh, of course, Professor. It was … unique," Hermione complemented with a strained smile. At least Lockhart didn’t blind Hermione from having a decent taste in poetry, Harry thought.
Lockhart joyfully thanked her before moving on and bending down to pull up a large cage covered with a cloth beneath the desk. “Luckily, I happened to have prepared a very special lesson today. I caught these wild ones in the forest just this morning. Careful now, try not to scream or else it might provoke them,” Lockhart warned.
As the whole class tensed and held their breath, Lockhart extravagantly flung off the cloth. “Behold, freshly caught Cornish pixies!” Lockhart dramatically declared like he was presenting a ferocious Cerberus to the class.
Seamus Finnigan couldn’t control himself as he let out a snort of laughter. “But Professor, well, pixies aren’t so dangerous, are they?’ Seamus asked.
“Don’t be so sure!” said Lockhart, waggling an annoying finger at Seamus. “If you’re not careful and don’t assert your immediate dominance like I did, these seemingly harmless pixies can turn into devilish, tricky little blighters at the blink of an eye.”
The pixies were bright blue and about eight inches tall, with pointed noses and voices so shrill it sounded like a whistle. The moment the cloth covering the cage had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around inside.
Lockhart mumbled a spell with his wand, forming a blue barrier around the classroom. “Now, remember the Freezing Charm, don’t let yourself panic or the pixies will sense your weakness, and try not to scream. Good luck!” With no other warning, Lockhart opened the cage.
It was immediately pandemonium. The pixies flew off and shot in every direction like little rockets. They proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging elephant. They snatched ink bottles and sprayed the walls with them, shredded books and papers, flipped chairs over, and upended the waste bin. Some tried to break through the window but the blue barrier prevented them from leaving. Within minutes, half the class were sheltering and screaming under desks and only a few students remembered the Freezing Charm. A couple quick-witted Slytherins crouched in the corners and were freezing any pixies that came near while the golden trio bunched up together and froze pixies left and right.
“Come on now, round them up, they're only pixies! For Fate’s sake, remember your Freezing Charms!” Lockhart shouted.
Lockhart sighed at the chaotic scene before brandishing his wand and bellowing, “ Immobulus !” Instantly, every pixie in the room froze and fell to the ground. He repaired the classroom back to its original form with a quick “ Reparo” and with an “ Accio pixies ”, he gathered them all back up and stuffed them into the cage, covering them again and canceling the charm and the blue barrier.
Lockhart turned to the few Slytherins who had used their wands and the golden trio. “Ten points to Slytherin for successfully using the Freezing Charm,” He told the Slytherins. “Ten points to Gryffindor for also being the only few to use your wands,” He told Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
Lockhart turned to the rest of the class and gave everyone a disappointed look. “Harmless, eh? Not so harmless now. What happened to the Freezing Charm we practiced? There won’t be any desk to hide under if it were a real threat like an Acromantula.” The students all looked at the floor or walls in shame.
“For homework, I want all of you to be finished with chapters one through five of “Chilling with Centaurs” by next class. We will be having another short quiz on the Freezing Charm and the chapters next time will be graded,” Lockhart said just as the dismissal bell rang. “Class dismissed. Go on now, and don’t forget to study!”
The Slytherins and Gryffindors packed up their belongings and rushed out the door for their next class. Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the room and made their way down the hallway.
“Ugh, remind me never to piss off pixies. They’re horrid!” Ron complained as they walked.
“At least Professor Lockhart was there to stop them,” Hermione responded. “I think it was a pretty informative class.”
“Of course you do; you have a crush on him. Sure, he’s not as bad as I thought, but did you even hear that haiku-poem-thing he said? I cringed just listening to it!” Ron retorted.
“I don't have a crush on him! And the haiku wasn't so bad. It just needed a little work.” Hermione excused.
“I just hope he doesn't turn out like Quirrell and tries to kill us or something,” Harry commented, hoping that they might at least get a somewhat decent DADA professor this year.
“Rubbish, you’ve seen his books! He’s a hero, he’d never turn out like Quirrell. Just look at all the amazing things he’s done,” Hermione said, clutching her “Chilling with Centaurs” book.
“He says he’s done,” Ron muttered.