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Alastor looked up at the canopy above him, trying not to squirm uncomfortably as Lucifer’s lips trailed downwards, carving a path across the flat expanse of his belly towards where his cock was lying soft against his thigh.
Lucifer had wanted this for a while, he knew. They had been together for almost six months, longer than any relationship Alastor had ever maintained in his life or afterlife (if his brief forays into the dating world could even be considered relationships- most of them had been singular dates that his coworkers or mother had pressured him into).
While Alastor had never been interested in having a relationship before, something about Lucifer had intrigued him. At first Alastor believed it to be his own gluttony for power and status, but once he and Lucifer had set their arguing and antagonizing aside, he began to find that he actually liked the little angel. Lucifer was funny in his own quirky way, not to mention extremely intelligent when his mental barriers were not getting the better of him. He was also kind, and generous, and overall a decent, lovable person - a rarity, for Hell’s standards. Alastor held no small amount of affection for him. He didn’t quite dare to call it love, not now, not yet, but he imagined that one day, such a thing could be possible.
Their relationship had been tentative and tumultuous at first. It had taken weeks for it to progress into simple hand-holding, and longer still for dry pecks on the cheek to turn to fleeting, closed mouth kisses on the lips. They had cuddled before they had ever truly kissed, lounging on Alastor’s sofa in front of his fire. The first time they had ever kissed - really kissed, with teeth and tongue and passion igniting between them - Alastor’s heart had pounded so hard he could feel his pulse in the tips of his ears. He had enjoyed it immensely, but when Lucifer’s hands began to wander to his hips and thighs, Alastor pulled away with a screech of static.
He knew that Lucifer was attracted to him, and not just romantically. He had caught the king adjusting himself in his slacks with a blush and a muttered apology more than once after their little necking sessions. He also knew that sex was a natural continuation of what they had already been doing, but the thought of engaging sexually with Lucifer made his stomach go queasy and his palms slick with sweat.
Every couple had sex. It was no big deal. Lucifer wanted it, and Alastor wanted Lucifer. So why did his stomach turn every time Lucifer crawled into his lap to begin grinding himself on Alastor’s knee? Why did he feel weak in all the wrong ways whenever Lucifer cupped the front of his slacks, searching for an erection that was never there?
Alastor hissed through his teeth when Lucifer suddenly nipped at the sharp jut of his hip bone, pulling him from his thoughts. The angel soothed over the spot with his tongue apologetically and moved on, kissing down the outside of Alastor’s thigh.
Alastor had asked for this. He had told Lucifer to do whatever he liked, that he would catch up, get hard eventually, sometimes it took him a moment, no big deal, mon cher, I promise.
He knew Lucifer would never force him: he had always been adamant that they would go at any pace Alastor wanted, venture as slow as he needed. His affectionate reassurance made Alastor feel almost as sick as his sexual touch.
None of it was Lucifer’s fault, of course. Lucifer was perfect, everything Alastor had ever desired in a partner. No, the fault lay solely within himself. He was broken, he knew: he had the most gorgeous being in all of creation prostrating themselves at his feet, and his cock couldn’t so much as twitch with interest. His skin crawled when Lucifer touched him below the belt, and his self-hatred because of it clung to him like a second skin. Lucifer deserved to have his desires fulfilled, to pleasure and be pleasured in turn. He had assured Alastor time and time again that the demon’s inexperience was not a turn-off, that he adored him whether they had sex or not, but Alastor knew in his heart of hearts that being intimate was something that Lucifer wanted, and he could not - would not - fail him.
So he had pushed Lucifer down onto the bed earlier in the evening, kissing him heatedly. That was alright; Alastor enjoyed Lucifer’s kisses, and the way that he would cup Alastor’s jaw, pulling him in deeper as if he could never quite get enough. Alastor had ignored the small surge of unease that rose within him when Lucifer wrapped a leg around his hip and pulled him in, encouraging Alastor to lay flat on top of him. Alastor had refused with a small, playful smile, pulling back instead to begin undressing himself. Lucifer watched with a heated expression as Alastor divested himself of his clothing, unvoiced disquietude rising with every article of fabric he set aside.
When he was finally bare, he allowed Lucifer to snag his hips and pull him onto the bed. He watched with a rolling stomach as Lucifer positioned himself between his thighs, his own cock hard and straining against the front of his trousers. Lucifer dipped his head and met Alastor’s lips in another kiss, this one more subdued and affectionate. Alastor had willed himself to relax, had forced the mantra of he deserves this he wants this be good be good be good to play over and over in his mind as Lucifer kissed down his neck, licking across his collarbones and nipples, dipping lower and lower towards where Alastor could not hide his misgivings.
Now here they were, with Lucifer pressed fluttering kisses to Alastor’s knee, his lips soft and reverent. Alastor swallowed, his mouth dry as cotton as Lucifer began to make his way back up, his eyes fluttering open to hone in on Alastor’s cock, still damnably soft. His gaze darted upwards, his eyes meeting Alastor’s questioningly.
“It- it’s okay,” Alastor said, his voice cracking. “You can continue. Eventually, I’ll… it doesn’t always…”
“Shh,” Lucifer whispered against his knee. “Whatever you want, Al.”
“I want you ,” Alastor quietly confessed. It wasn’t a lie, not entirely: he did want Lucifer. Just, not exactly how Lucifer wanted him. Still, he said nothing as Lucifer smiled, pleased, and continued kissing a path up Alastor’s soft inner thigh.
Each kiss left a trail of fire in its wake, making Alastor feel dizzy and ill. He was sweating, he realized, but not in anticipation - it was a cold, clammy sweat, a testament to his unease. His heart was hammering in his throat, a jumpy staccato with no real beat.
Lucifer reached the crux of Alastor’s thighs, his breath ghosting over Alastor’s hip. Alastor flinched, his ears pinning to his skull involuntarily. He wound his fingers into the bedding, gripping tight enough for his knuckles to creak with the strain as Lucifer kissed and licked across the concaved skin between his hips. He nosed through Alastor’s pubic hair, a move that made Alastor’s stomach swoop with anxiety.
Logically, he knew that if he asked Lucifer to stop, he would. But there was still a nagging, niggling idea in the back of his mind: what if Lucifer didn’t stop? He was owed this, after all. Alastor was his partner, and partners had sex . Lucifer had waited six long months, patiently guiding Alastor through the very basics of romantic intimacy. What if his restraint was finally wearing thin? If Alastor called their antics to a halt, would Lucifer actually comply? Would he go without a fuss, despite being denied his pleasure for the umpteenth time?
Alastor swallowed around the hard lump building in his throat. His thighs were trembling around Lucifer’s shoulders, betraying his anxiety, but Lucifer didn’t know that - the angel must think he was eager, with the way he was laying there, allowing it all to happen. It wasn’t like he was saying no; and, truth be told, he didn’t want to say no -
(he did, he did)
- he wanted to do this for Lucifer, because Lucifer deserved it, because what if Lucifer left him when he realized how weak and incapable Alastor truly was, what if what if what if-
“Alastor?”
Alastor’s head snapped down from where he had been staring up at the canopy. Lucifer was looking at him with an expression of alarmed concern. Humiliatingly, Alastor realized that tears were pricking the corners of his eyes, making his lids burn with the need to release them.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine,” Alastor said. He winced when it came out cracked and warbly with static. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m fine, mon cher.”
Lucifer frowned. “You’re not. What’s wrong? Am I pushing too fast, or…?”
“I said I’m fine,” Alastor snapped. “Get on with it.”
Lucifer flinched, his eyes going wide. Then, his mouth set into a firm line. “No.”
He pushed himself up onto his haunches and leaned away. Alastor shivered violently as cold air swept into the space between him, making his skin pimple with goosebumps.
“I’m not going any further until you tell me what’s wrong,” Lucifer said sternly. His brow lowered into a stubborn draw, a look that Alastor knew well. He wasn’t budging.
Alastor sighed, mindlessly kneading at the duvet with his fingers. “I am fine, truly. You can continue; do not worry about me.”
“You aren’t enjoying yourself.” It was a statement, not a question, and the finality of it made Alastor look away.
“I am, I only-”
“You aren’t,” Lucifer sighed, and the sound made Alastor’s heart clench. “Tell me, please, so I can fix it. Was it something I did? Was it because I was on top? Please, Alastor, look at me.”
Alastor reluctantly tore his gaze away from his radio sitting on the mantle and turned his head to look at Lucifer. His heart broke when he saw the look of worry on the angel’s features, as if he were to blame for Alastor’s shortcomings.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” Alastor blurted.
They stared at each other for a moment, and Alastor winced when he realized how corny that had sounded. “What I mean to say is that you deserve to be pleasured as you desire. I wish to give you that, more than you know. I thought that I… that if I could just be good for you, that even if I did not enjoy it, as long as you did… but I botched it, didn’t I?”
He let out a bark of humourless laughter and shoved himself up the bed into a sitting position. He pulled his legs from either side of Lucifer’s and brought them up to tuck them under his chin, hugging them to his chest for meagre comfort.
“You…” Lucifer swallowed. His face went very pale, even more so than usual - enough that even the red circles at his cheeks turned pink rather than their usual rosy red. “You were going to let me rape you?”
Alastor winced, feedback squealing through the air. “No. I just-”
“Oh, God,” Lucifer’s lower lip trembled, his hands beginning to shake where they were clasped in his lap. “What made you think that I would ever want that, Alastor?”
“Do not blame yourself for this!” Alastor exploded, his voice rising to a hysterical pitch with his effort to get Lucifer to understand. “This has nothing to do with you, I am the one at fault, I am the one who cannot provide even the most basic requirements for a relationship. I have failed you, over and over, and I- I just wanted to give you this, to allow you to take the pleasure you are worthy of, and I can’t even do that!”
“Our relationship has never required sex to be fulfilling, Alastor,” Lucifer snapped back. “I care for you whether we do things like that or not. What, do you think in ten thousand years I haven’t learned to exercise a little restraint over my own libido? Even if you never said yes, that doesn’t diminish your- your value or whatever the fuck you might think. I care about you, not your cock, and if you never wanted me to touch it, or never wanted to touch mine, I don’t care!”
Alastor scoffed, refusing to believe him. “However could you not care? You are a man, are you not?”
“Actually, I’m an angel,” Lucifer said. His voice was low and serious, more serious than Alastor had ever heard him. “I gave myself my own genitalia, Alastor. My sexuality and pleasure are my own choice, not God’s design, and they have been used against me before. To tell you the truth, it was a relief to not have you jumping my bones the moment we got together. Not that I would have truly minded, but taking things slow, that’s something I’ve never gotten to experience before. I am not some fucking frat boy who can’t keep it in his pants, and if you truly think that low of me, maybe this won’t work, after all.”
He moved to stand, and panic flashed through Alastor hot and bright. His hand shot out, snagging Lucifer’s wrist before the angel could turn away.
“Don’t-” Alastor blurted. “Don’t go. Please, I’m sorry.”
Lucifer cocked his brow. “But what are you truly sorry for?”
Alastor hesitated. He thought it over, until the answer dawned on him. This wasn’t about apologizing for his lack of sexual interest - there was nothing there to apologize for, at least the way Lucifer saw it. He took a breath and met Lucifer’s eyes, who was watching him intently.
“I am sorry for implying that sex is a requirement for our relationship. For- for trying to trick you into defiling me, which would have hurt you… would have hurt us. For not telling you that I did not want this.”
Lucifer’s expression softened. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to cup Alastor’s cheek, running his thumb along the sharp bone of it. “And I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you had to do that. I care about you, Alastor. I want you safe , and for this to work between us. I’ll be ready when you are, and even if that’s never, I’m ready for that, too.”
Alastor nodded against Lucifer’s palm, relishing in the smooth heat of his skin. “Can I kiss you?” he asked, and he blushed when Lucifer’s face lit up.
“Of course.”
Lucifer leaned in, and their lips met tentatively. It was Alastor who deepened it, pulling Lucifer in until they were lying on the bed next to each other, exchanging slow, languid kisses.
“I like this,” Alastor admitted after a long moment. He opened his eyes to see Lucifer watching him with a soft expression.
“Then this is what you’ll get, until you ever decide you want more. If you ever decide that.”
He reached up and brushed a stray lock of Alastor’s hair back, his fingertips gentle and soothing across Alastor’s face. “Relax, now. I’ll stay for as long as you like. Just don’t ever try to pull a stunt like that again, okay? You need to let me know what’s going on in that noggin of yours sometimes.”
Alastor huffed a laugh and curled forwards, letting his forehead rest against Lucifer’s chest. “I will let you know my opinions on this, but some things I must keep to myself. Some secrets are my own, cher.”
He practically felt Lucifer roll his eyes, but nonetheless he curled his arms around Alastor’s thinner frame, pulling him in closer.
Alastor allowed his eyes to slip closed, basking in the love of his angel.