Chapter Text
The morning came as it usually did, too soon, chasing away any hopes of falling asleep again.
The moment the first rays of sun filtered through the half-opened curtains in his kitchen, Lin Nansheng was certain that he’d lost yet another night. How many hours had it been? How much time was wasted, lying in a bed that was too soft to be truly comfortable, wishing for something that would not come? There would be no oblivion, no rest from his own thoughts, he knew that, and yet each evening, Lin Nansheng tried. Naive, that’s what they used to call him back at the beginning of this all.
Naive.
Lin Nansheng left his bed without much remorse and moved towards his wardrobe. It wasn’t big by any means, but it was enough to store his sparse clothes. A few changshans, grey and unremarkable, more fit for the times.
One elegant suit. He never reached for the suit these days. He hadn’t been the one to pick it, and now it seemed to belong to a different era.
To a different man.
He moved to the kitchen and for a short while, simply watched the sun rise outside of the window, a bone-deep resignation settling in his bones. It was a Tuesday, the test day. It would be profitable to be there earlier, Lin Nansheng supposed. There wasn’t much else he could do at home - there was no one to talk to, not even a pet to look after. Maybe he should invest in some plants, to introduce some semblance of life to the place, but it still didn’t feel entirely his. Truth be told, Nansheng wasn’t sure if he wanted it to, if he wanted to get attached to a place at all. Maybe he should. Men should settle in times of peace after all, and yet he struggled to consider the house his, even after all those months spent here.
Lin Nansheng put the kettle on and decided to forgo breakfast altogether, not feeling hungry at all. He would eat lunch with his colleagues, most likely, and even if it turned out to be impossible, he could just go and buy something on his way back home.
With a chipped mug filled with coffee, he sat down at the table and tried not to look at the chair opposite him. Empty. He remembered another kitchen, a warm supper and an empty chair, its owner forever gone because of one request they were forced to fulfil.
Different life. Different man .
The exhaustion Nansheng was feeling now had grown to be like an old coat, well-worn and familiar - it had nothing to do with pleasant work, with achieving something, no. At this point he had almost forgotten what it felt like, to fall asleep after a day of physical exertion, to crash into the bed at peace with himself, after having spent his energy on doing .
Lin Nansheng was not doing anything now, not like he used to. He simply existed. Much more than many were allowed, but so much less than others.
With his cough as it was, he couldn’t do much. He had a medicine prescription, a whole litany of advice and suggestions as to how he should improve his health. Whenever he felt worse, the doctor allowed him inside the office without waiting in line, but there was not much any pills could help for bullet wounds and fractured lungs.
Coughing loudly as he put on his shoes, Lin Nansheng left the house without much regret, welcoming the slightly chilly air with something akin to relief. He locked the door, noticing the poor state of the wood with very little interest, and headed for the gate.
Over the fence, Lin Nansheng caught the eye of his neighbour, Madame Qin. Once upon a time, he would have had a whole dossier on her, ready on his desk. Her life story, her family. He might have had her house bugged, to make sure she was not working against him. Or maybe he would have wasted his time trying to get rid of the bugs planted by his colleagues, afraid of what Madame Qin’s conversations could reveal about his new masters. Lin Nansheng had done many things for and to people around him. It was Madame Qin’s luck that her presence did not stir much curiosity in him, Lin Nansheng thought to himself, returning her curious gaze with one of complete disinterest.
She was a bit older than him, judging from her wrinkles and a few white hairs visible above her forehead, as well as from her calm bearing. After the war came to an end, the young were the ones celebrating loudly, breathing in the air of change and releasing it in excited shouts of wonder. The elders grew quiet, satisfied to have survived. Or mourning those who had not.
Lin Nansheng hadn’t spoken to Madame Qin at all, not since he’d been assigned the place. The local party bureau saw fit to grant him a home in this street, after the necessary purges were made. The old owners of the houses at the newly named Beijing Road were evicted after the triumph of the Communist party, the mansions and houses used as rewards for those who made it possible. The return of the stolen riches to the people, the justice after the centuries of oppression - it didn't matter what it was called, it still made people remember they were only people, no matter the government that represented them. The squabbles over who got which and what state the building was in was one part of the whirl of changes that Nansheng did not take part in.
He didn’t mind not getting anything bigger, he even welcomed it, and from what he had seen so far, Madame Qin seemed to still be unused to having that much space for herself. She lived alone and Nansheng wasn’t entirely willing to strike a friendship with the woman, in fear of causing rumours or giving her expectations that he had no intentions to fulfil - the country might be determined to rebuild, but Nansheng was not.
Her gaze finally left his, her eyes dropping to his clothes, her frown deepening. If he had to risk a guess, Lin Nansheng would say she used to be a seamstress, maybe a tailor, for she did that often: looked at his attire with as much judgement as she could without seeming impertinent. How would a seamstress earn herself a commendation from the Bureau was a question that Lin Nansheng didn’t feel like entertaining.
Besides, he already lost his chance to introduce himself to her, back when he was first brought here by the military car, with only his suitcase in his hand, barely understanding the words that were spoken to him. Now, three months later, it didn’t seem proper to breach the silence.
And so Lin Nansheng bowed his head in the woman’s direction and went on his way, herding his thoughts back to where they should go - towards his job.
The small place that was turned into a school for local children didn’t have any name yet. The newly appointed principal of the place was still battling his similarly freshly nominated vice principal over which of the great heroes deserved the honour of being the patron of this educational facility, and while the arguments were being traded, the teachers and pupils alike referred to the place as the Yellow School, thanks to the colour of the walls, hastily painted over once it had been decided that this would be the new purpose of the old inn.
The Yellow School was not far away from Beijing Street, and so Lin Nansheng didn’t bother with getting a car, or even a bicycle. On a sunny day, walking there took around twenty minutes, which became half an hour, at most forty minutes, depending on how disastrous the state of the road was after snow or rain got to it.
Privately, Nansheng thought that the town should pay more attention to the walkability of the town instead of arguing over the best way to honour general this and that, or whether naming the streets was patriotic enough, but the spirit of excitement was too strong and too fresh to be squashed by such details.
Feeling like an old, bitter man, Lin Nansheng sped up his footsteps, once more forcing his thoughts to focus on the lessons ahead. Tests. His students, most of them not entirely happy about being forced to go to school in the first place, hated the tests with passion. The learning itself they seemed to almost enjoy, but writing seemed to inspire pure fear in them.
Having come from a small village himself, Lin Nansheng couldn’t exactly understand their unwillingness. He remembered himself, eager and so excited to be able to learn. The Normal University, now when he thought about it, was the happiest he’d ever been - gathering knowledge in a city far away from home had seemed like a miracle he wasn’t quite worthy of, yet he had been so determined to make the most of it. Looking at his students whining loudly about having to read and doing homework was something that constantly perplexed Lin Nansheng.
Not that it made him dislike those kids, far from it.
It just made them hard to understand.
“Good morning, Lin-laoshi!” said someone to his left, and Lin Nansheng left his thoughts alone, reminding himself to be a person.
“Good morning, Xia-laoshi,” he replied pleasantly, his greeting drowning in a small cough at the end of the sentence. The woman didn’t seem to mind it in the slightest, her smile remaining on her face without even a moment of faltering.
“Do you enjoy early mornings, Lin-laoshi, or are you afraid to leave your classroom unattended for too long?” She joked, but kept a respectful distance. Xia-laoshi was an intelligent woman, a bit younger than Nansheng himself, and full of passion. She saw her profession as a way of ensuring the bright future of the nation and acted accordingly: underneath her professional smile, she was dedicated and strict, reminding her students to always give their best and to learn with their hearts. With her hair short and with no makeup on, she made an impression of someone who moved forward, despite the circumstances.
“I always worry about being here on time,” Lin Nansheng lied, smiling at her with as much warmth as he could muster. Some old habits died hard, and endearing people to him was one Nansheng often relied on in the recent months.
It seemed to work on Xia-laoshi, whose smile got wider.
“Lin-laoshi truly cares for his students. I just hope they feel the same level of dedication.” Lin Nansheng didn’t mean to, but he felt himself grimace at the mention of 'dedication'. He’d grown to hate that word. He’d heard it so many times ever since he’d been fished out of the river that it had lost its meaning.
Dedication.
Belief.
Sacrifice.
Three words that Lin Nansheng had been rotating in his mind ever since he had woken up and realised that Zhu Yizhen was not next to him. He had searched, of course he had, but while his comrades felt sympathetic at first, soon they grew tired of him asking. Countless faces of other soldiers faded away in Lin Nansheng’s memory, but their words did not. “ Comrade Zhu dedicated her life to the cause and her belief made this nation strong. Her sacrifice won’t be in vain ’, repeated in various iterations, changing the exact phrasing and the tone, but never the meaning - that was all Nansheng got.
“I will be satisfied knowing they live a better life thanks to the knowledge they have,” Nansheng finally said, coughing once again.”I shall prepare the test for them,” he added, changing his expression into a more apologetic one.
Xia-laoshi didn’t seem offended by the small talk at all, nodding at him with a happy spark in her eye. Lin Nansheng’s heart however didn’t feel a thing.
***
“-Write at least five sentences with the words we’ve learned today,” Lin Nansheng ordered, trying to speak over the excited voices of children allowed to leave the classroom. He couldn’t exactly blame them - the weather was inviting, the sun still up in the sky, the warm wind carrying with it promises of food from the nearby market.
The half-hearted goodbyes echoed throughout the classroom and Lin Nansheng just waved at his students good-naturedly, taking their promises of ‘ we will do it, Lin-laoshi! ’ with a grain of salt. Any promise of a ten year old was not to be taken seriously, especially if it pertained to chores.
As usual, only one student remained in his seat, watching his teacher in silent determination.
“Do you need some help?” Nansheng asked gently. It was unnecessary - Xiao Lu did need help, but he somehow couldn’t bring himself to ask for it when he could be overheard by others.
“Can you help me with the characters, Lin-laoshi?” Xiao Lu was a good kid, but he wasn’t very quick on the uptake. Absolutely useless for any sort of military work, and not suited for any sort of intelligence gathering. He was very earnest, devoted to getting things as best as he could, that much Lin Nansheng noticed already and appreciated in his student greatly. But he lacked a certain brilliance that would make his achievements effortless.
Smart young people were the fuel for the machine that won the war , one of the leaders had said in his speech, and Lin Nansheng had felt proud of being one of them back then, had felt that this was the only cause worthy of his smarts, so appreciated by Chen Moqun once upon a time.
Now, he was glad that there were kids like Xiao Lu. Hard-working and honest, not too clever.
“Of course,” Nansheng replied softly, coming to sit down at Xiao Lu’s desk. Whenever it was the last class of the day, Xiao Lu always patiently waited to ask for help, never making much fuss but always earnestly awaiting the moment he could ask all the questions he had. He never had the courage to speak up during class.
“Which ones do you find yourself having trouble with?” The boy frowned instead of replying, and opened his notebook, the pages filled with his slightly shaky handwriting.
“I wasn’t precise,” he said seriously, his words halted and hesitant.”I was… I understand the characters this time, laoshi. But I don’t know how to do the homework.”
Lin Nansheng waited patiently for the rest of the sentence to come, but Xiao Lu stopped here, expecting that his meaning was clear to his teacher.
“Five sentences about your family,” Lin Nansheng said, simplifying the exercise as much as he could, but the frown didn’t disappear from the boy’s face.
“I can’t write that many. I only have grandma and she doesn’t do much. She mostly sleeps.”
Lin Nansheng had nothing to say to that. Xiao Lu wasn’t the only one, for certain. After two wars one after the other, he probably was more of a rule than the exception, but it still got Lin Nansheng to pause for a moment, wondering what to say next. To tell the boy to forgo the homework would set a worrying precedent, it would also border on plain favouritism, which was something Nansheng tried to avoid at all cost. On the other hand, there was something cruel in making the child think about the possible family members he could have, just for the sake of memorising the necessary characters.
“I am sure your grandma is a bit more interesting than that.” The gentle reproach made Xiao Lu look down in embarrassment. “You can start with her name.”
Xiao Lu didn’t seem very willing to talk about his caretaker at first, not moving forward from the sentence about her name and her age, but Lin Nansheng was insistent. No matter how much time they would have to spend here, it would be more profitable to the student to do the exercise than to abandon it, and it wasn’t like Nansheng had anything better to do.
He could join the other teachers for a meal, as was his initial plan, but if he had to be honest with himself, he didn’t feel entirely at ease in their company. Among them, Lin Nansheng seemed old and burdened. He couldn’t imagine sharing his experiences with them, not his real ones at least. He wondered about it sometimes - should he come up with a backstory? Should he craft a character he could melt into, should he carefully plan out memories that would go along with his identity of Lin-laoshi? He was meant to stop lying once his comrades had won, but the victors had no use for a wounded soldier.Who wanted to hear the stories of friends betrayed and mentors abandoned? The victory tasted the best when no one mentioned the costs, when no one gave them names. " We lost so many great men but their sacrifice was necessary " sounded so much better than giving a whole list, the ages, the life stories making it all more real. Lin Nansheng had the list engraved in his very soul, the names coming back to him every night.
The co-workers didn't need him like that.
The army didn't need him at all.
A nice house and a job where he would be out of sight, that was all they had for him. What sort of family would a kind, slightly ill Lin-laoshi have? What lie would hide the status of a widower by choice the best? And if he decided to tell the truth, to treat the exercise with all the seriousness he expected of his students, if he got a task to write five sentences about his family - what would Lin-laoshi write?
Xiao Lu’s quiet ‘thank you, laoshi’ as he finished writing the last sentence made Lin Nansheng come back to the classroom, chasing the thoughts away.
This time, the smile appearing on his face was not studied at all.
“It’s what I am here for. Whenever you need help, or whenever your classmates need help, just ask me.”
Xiao Lu returned his smile and started to pack his things, his steps a bit lighter.
“Lin-laoshi is kind,” the boy said in lieu of a goodbye and bowed his head in Lin Nansheng’s direction, ready to go home and leave the school behind him and unwillingly bringing doubt into his teacher’s mind.
There was nothing kind about Nansheng. There hadn’t been for a long while, not for years.
Market.
He should go to the market, to at least eat something, Lin Nansheng decided, chasing the shadow of his old life away.
A few streets away from the Yellow School, there was a small market. It was nothing like the one Nansheng remembered from Shanghai, the colourful stalls full of food not only from different parts of the country but also of the wonders imported from all over the world. Lin Nansheng hadn’t paid much attention to the opportunities he had back then - to taste the delicacies of Turkey, the odd alcohol from Poland, to buy cigars straight from Cuba. Back then, Lin Nansheng simply accepted the place as a part of the city, another location people could and did meet. He appreciated it of course, it was a kingdom of smells and textures he would have never had the chance to experience back in his hometown, but he had never stopped on his way to experience it fully. Too little time, too much to do.
The market here was not as lavish and big as the Shanghai one, it was a small place that was mostly abandoned in the afternoons - the sellers from the nearby villages came over in the mornings, while their produce was still fresh, leaving only the stalls with durable goods. Not much of a choice, but it was still better than the emptiness in the cabinets waiting for Lin Nansheng back at home
He should pay more attention to obtaining dinner for himself every day, Lin Nansheng was aware, but it was more effort than it seemed worth.
As he walked around, nodding in greeting at the ladies gossiping behind the stalls, Nansheng couldn’t decide on what exactly he even needed to buy. Rice seemed like an obvious choice, and yet his insides shifted uncomfortably at the mere thought of cooking it. He couldn’t afford to be picky, Nansheng knew: the times of over-abundant Shanghai markets and restaurants were long gone and he was lucky enough to be able to afford food in the first place, he should-
Lin Nansheng’s attention was drawn by a movement in the nearby alley a bit to the right that was probably meant to be unnoticeable. Judging from the absolute lack of concern among the salesladies, the person skulking in the shadows was almost successful in their endeavour.
Except: Lin Nansheng had noticed.
His old instincts demanding him to move, he abandoned the stall, not even making the ladies pause in their heated argument. Lin Nansheng didn’t mind being unseen, especially now, when he had a suspect to pursue. He was not on duty, not anymore, not with his lungs, but whoever the person in the alley was, they were probably up to no good, and this was something Nansheng could not ignore. Didn’t want to ignore.
Trying to keep his breathing as quiet as possible, walking as fast as his lungs would allow him, Lin Nansheng entered the alley just in time to see a sliver of white disappear behind the corner. Not thinking anymore, stealth be damned, Nansheng ran forwards, making a turn faster than even he thought himself capable of.
At this point, it was muscle memory - he caught the first body part he could find and trapped the suspect between himself and the wall, their wrist in his grip, their other hand occupied with a bundle they were pressing against their body and unable to fight the capture.
Tall and not that strong.
Those were the first observations Lin Nansheng’s mind made, and since the captured person didn’t even make an attempt to free themselves, just freezing in place, more followed.
The person looking at Lin Nansheng with his eyebrows raised, as if offended rather than afraid at being caught, was a man. There were cuts on his face, yet even despite the dirt and the wounds scattered on his cheeks and forehead, he didn’t seem like a beggar or a criminal - too styled moustache for a person who should be only thinking about their survival. The clothes may lie, may be stolen or taken from someone else, but even without looking at the man’s attire, Lin Nansheng was sure this was not a man from the streets at all.
Not with the way he was looking at Lin Nansheng.
All the words, all the questions faded under the man’s gaze, shrewd, calculating and above all: seemingly amused.
His eyes quickly jumped to Nansheng’s hair, then to his clothes, then back to his eyes. The wrist in his grasp made a short attempt to free itself, but it seemed to be nothing more than a test of Nansheng’s awareness than an actual escape.
“Well, hello,” the man said, his lips tugging up at the corners.
Not prepared for that, all Lin Nansheng could do in reply was to cough shallowly, the exertion of the chase getting to him.
“You can let go, comrade, I won’t run.” Despite the lightness in his words, the voice was hushed, as if trying not to attract more attention. Suspicious, and there was no reason to trust the stranger just yet, not when every single thing about him posed more questions. And yet, Lin Nansheng found himself letting go. The stranger used his free hand to support the bundle pressed against his chest. Distracted by the man’s attention on him, Lin Nansheng ignored it, unwisely. It could have been something stolen, it could have been-
The bundle made a small cry.
The stranger looked down at it in panic, immediately checking the alley around them for any other witnesses.
“A child,” Nansheng said out loud, not taking a step back. “Why did you steal a child?”
Worry gave way to irritation on the man’s expressive face, making his eyes spark almost dangerously.
“I did not steal it! I am trying to protect it from-” here, the man interrupted himself, his eyes again travelling to Lin Nansheng’s hair. “I am trying to save it. Without certain people noticing.”
Now, that seemed like a confession of crime, which begged a question of why exactly the man felt like he could share that much with Lin Nansheng. What guesses did he make about Nansheng? What could be discerned after only a moment of observation and why was it enough for the man to give away so much?
The baby in the stranger’s hold made a loud whine that made both Nansheng and the man jolt.
“I can bring you to the nearest police station.”
The glare the stranger gave Nansheng communicated his opinion on Nansheng’s intellect very clearly.
“If you want to have me and the kid on your conscience, then of course, lead the way. If you do not, I-” he wasn’t allowed to finish, because a series of shouts, most likely belonging to police officers, judging from the man's previous words, started to sound a few alleys away.
The stranger’s eyes went to Lin Nansheng’s almost immediately, a sense of urgency on the handsome face making it almost impossible to ignore the unspoken plea. He couldn't possibly think he was in any position to ask for help, not when he was looking like a kidnapper at best, and like a deranged maniac at worst, and yet there was something about the man that demanded trust. Something in his posture maybe? Or maybe in the way he looked straight at Lin Nansheng like a man who knew what he was doing, no trace of panic in his intelligent eyes, just a bit of annoyance at having been found.
The voices were getting progressively closer.
"I need aid," the man said, his voice dark, as if it pained him to admit it.
One louder sound from the baby and they would be discovered. It would be out of Lin Nansheng’s hands then, he wouldn’t have to wonder about the stranger’s motivations, about his fate, about saving anyone.
He wasn’t skilled at saving people who needed his help.
“I didn’t kidnap him. I just want him to live,” the stranger said quietly, embracing the bundle tighter. “I can be arrested if that will silence your doubts, but don’t let them take the child.”
These odd words made Lin Nansheng crack.
A memory of a child killed by a police bullet passed in the back of his mind and just like that, his choice was made.
“Come with me,” he said in a whisper, once again catching the stranger’s wrist. Before the man could say anything, Lin Nansheng pulled him in the direction away from the market, already calculating the best route back home. The footsteps echoing behind them made it clear that the chase was close, getting closer with every passing moment, and possibly growing in numbers. Nansheng could lose people in the alleys of Shanghai, but here? Despite the hopelessness of it all, with his blood thrumming in his veins, Lin Nansheng kept on running, tugging the runaway behind himself.
“I am Luo Fei,” the stranger told him, breathlessly after they ran into the market, more and more voices coming closer, seemingly coming from every street nearby. Who was the kid that such a force was looking for it?
“Is this really the moment-” Lin Nansheng started, but the man, Luo Fei, used this moment to free his hand and push the bundle into Nansheng’s startled hands.
“It is. I will be back for him. Take care of him while I am gone.”
Not understanding a single word that was said, Lin Nansheng watched Luo Fei run towards one of the stalls, taking some material from it, ignoring the protests of the owner and bundling it up in a passing imitation of a baby.
And then he ran.
The officers who entered the market place didn’t even lose time to look at Lin Nansheng and the baby in his arms, they just followed the movement - no longer burdened with a child, Luo Fei’s long legs seemed to aid him in capturing the attention of the chase and escaping it, his back disappearing into the small crowd of workers coming back home after a long day. Swearing loudly, around ten men ran after him, bumping into the flow of people trying to enter the marketplace, the commotion growing with each minute.
For a moment, Lin Nansheng was torn.
He had no reason to trust Luo Fei, not even a single explanation that would make his involvement in this make sense.
Maybe this poor child had been kidnapped from his parents? Maybe despite his intelligent eyes and gentlemanly looks, Luo Fei was just a street crook who planned to get ransom for the baby - the safest bet would be to bring the child to the police, and yet Lin Nansheng couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“What are you escaping from?” He asked the baby, turning on his heel and walking in the direction of his home. The child, quite predictably, didn’t answer, preferring to watch him in mutinous silence.
If Luo Fei was to be trusted, soon it would no longer be Nansheng’s problem.
With that thought in mind, Lin Nansheng hugged the bundle closer to his chest and started to walk more decisively.