Chapter Text
Equius sounds confused when he answers the phone. "Yes, hello?"
"Hey, big guy. Got a minute?"
"Why are you calling rather than texting, Dave? You always text."
"I'm unpredictable. Spontaneous. Like a natural disaster."
"And?" Equius prompts with exaggerated patience.
"And yeah, can I get a voice sample from you? I tried pitch-shifting mine down but it picked up this weird buzz at the bottom of the range. I need your big bass boom."
"Well... in principle I have no objection, but it's a long trip just to say a few words into a microphone. Can it wait until the reunion? Can you bring the relevant equipment?"
You laugh. "Man, I would've texted you for that. I thought you were supposed to be a genius."
There's a brief pause. "Oh. Over the phone?"
"I guess now's a good time to mention I'm recording this call. Let's start with 'shut it down.'"
"Shut it down?"
"An imperative, not a question. And if you can manage to sound a little bit menacing that'd be great."
Once you've finished recording the samples, Equius says, "While I have you on the line -- did Egbert talk to you about the reunion?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I'll be there."
"Er." Apparently that wasn't the question.
"Next weekend, Vriska's celebrity party pad, bring a sleeping bag cuz the beds are all spoken for. I got it, I'll be there."
"Yes." Another hesitation.
Now you think maybe you know what this is about. You give a dry laugh that's probably a little cruel under the circumstances. "Bro will be there too. He's not the backing down type, so I guess you're just going to have to work your shit out like men. By which I mean have a big juvenile fight, end up in bed without resolving anything, then start the whole cycle over again a couple weeks later."
Equius gives a gusty sigh. "That is... not actually the topic I wanted to discuss. But since you brought it up, I'm sorry to say that your sibling and I have mutually agreed to call things off for good."
"Yeah, that'd be a damn shame if it wasn't bullshit."
"What do you mean? Did he say something?"
"I'm not your go-between, guy."
"Goodness. I didn't mean to imply. Er. That was not an ashen solicitation. I only wondered if. No. Never mind."
"Never-minding, aye-aye sir." Which you know isn't what Equius wants to hear, but fuck a pile of that. Your brother and Troll Bruce Banner have been doing their off-and-on thing since like five minutes after you all snapped conscious in this new-and-improved postgame world, and everyone is sick of it. People who've never even met them are sick of it. "How about you just tell me what it was you were trying to bring up, then."
"I asked Egbert to ask you if you have Ampora's new contact information."
"No, man, I didn't even know the old info was old. How can you not have a contact for him? It's not like he changed his chumhandle, email, and phone number all at once."
"As a matter of fact, that is apparently exactly what he did. And deleted his Facebook and his photo blog."
"Dramariffic."
"It's not a proper reunion unless everyone is there."
"I don't know what to tell you, man. I barely say two words a year to the guy. But if I hear something I'll let you know."
"That's all I can ask, I suppose. Well then. I'll see you next Saturday."
"Hang on a sec."
You save the track you've been picking at during the conversation, bump the volume, set your phone to speaker, and click play. It's only a beginning, thirty seconds' worth, but you've got that first sample roughly how you want it: Shu/u/u///ut it dowwwnn stutter sloping into a precipitous pitch shift right before the bass drop. It sounds pretty damn good already.
Picking up the phone again, you cut the music just before it would've trailed off into three and a half minutes of bare drums. "You see why I needed the deepest voice I could get."
"I'm impressed by your technical proficiency," he says.
From anyone else that would've been a backhand, but this is Equius. That's his best compliment. You thank him and hang up. As you're reaching for your headphones, preparatory to diving into this song in earnest, something catches your attention. Something too subtle to name, but your strife-honed senses still pick it up. "You like it so far?" you say to your closed door.
It opens, and your brother leans against the frame, composed as if he wasn't just lurking in the hall. "Did you sample Zahhak?"
"Yep."
"Interesting choice."
Once, that would've sounded like a veiled criticism to you. You would've ended up overthinking the piece, and maybe not finishing it at all. But this Dirk isn't the man who raised you, any more than you're the heroic progenitor he never met in the flesh. In this reality, you're twins. Equality took a bit of getting used to, but you managed it. The fact that you're both emotionally constipated egotists helped with that, oddly enough. Neither of you knows how to defer.
"Only trolls get that harmonic in the baritone range," you explain. "Only big trolls."
"By which you mean highbloods," he points out. "I assume you're aware of the connotations his voice will have to your troll listeners, the vast majority of whom will be lowbloods with unhappy memories of the Empire, and that this fits the intent of the piece. I also assume you didn't inform him of your theme, or he would never have agreed to be recorded."
"Yeah, I have met the guy."
"Also, you mixed the sample too far forward. It sort of ate the rest of the low midrange. It makes the drop a bit of an anticlimax."
"Bro, when I'm done with it that bass drop is gonna be so heavy it'll warp space. As for theme, you know I don't like to get too political, because that is boring as shit. But I will say I'm sampling 'Sunslammer Down'."
"The original or the remake?"
"If I meant the original I would've said 'In Which A Yellowblooded Helmsman Breaks His Compliance Programming Etcetera.' The remake's got that bit where the psionic goes 'I love a good shipwreck' -- I've been wanting an excuse to use that clip since I first saw it."
Your brother nods agreement and begins to turn away.
"Hey," you say suddenly. "Speaking of Equius."
He turns back, a warning written on his face. You ignore it.
"He thinks breaking up was your idea, and he's hoping you didn't mean it."
"It was, and I did. Is that all?"
You sigh. That right there was as much effort as you feel like putting into this clusterfuck. "Sure. Enjoy your misery."
"My romantic involvements or lack thereof are actually none of your business, you realize."
"Yeah, I am pretty much aware of that. You're just a lot easier to live with during the 'on' part of your on-and-off deal. The caramel coffee fro-yo was mine, dude."
"That was nothing to do with this. I was just hungry."
"Uh-huh."
"I'll replace it."
"Uh-huh."
He stares you down for a moment, shades versus shades, and he's the one who blinks first -- or rather, his lenses run with reflections as he turns his head slightly. "I'll go do that now."
"Awesome." You turn back to your desk, expressing your forgiveness with a display of disinterest. "Grab some burgers on the way back?"
"Not a problem." He shuts your door with a near-inaudible click.
You wait until you feel the hum of the elevator against the soles of your feet before you slump back in your chair and shove both hands through your hair with a growl of frustration. He's so much like you in most ways that the differences drive you extra crazy.
"You're a moron," you complain to thin air. "If you're not gonna be serious, don't get serious. You know these things."
This kind of shit is why you don't date. The occasional hookup with a stranger, sometimes a just-for-kicks roll with a friend who knows the score, nobody gets hurt. But if you ever decide to make a stand, by God you are not gonna budge an inch. You're going to make that shit work. No breaking up every other month because you had a fight or quadrants are weird or you have a case of emotional tetanus. Not like every other idiot you know.
Beating the game created a reality in which trolls who couldn't take their crapsack culture were able to emigrate to Earth, humans took the technology the trolls brought and ran with it, and all of you who played are now dirty stinking rich.
And every single one of you is completely fucking dysfunctional.
You're one of the saner ones. Eridan Ampora is one of the craziest; you're not surprised he did a quick fade. He'll turn up at the reunion. Even if he wasn't the attention-seekiest guy in the world, he'd have to show. You players have to stick together. Nobody else understands.