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Ed didn’t sleep anymore, looking after himself wasn't a priority. Instead, he looked out of the window in the captain's quarters and imagined what it would be like if today and tomorrow didn’t blur into each other. They always did that. Except with Stede. Stede always made the days distinct. Stede made the days have reason and meaning. Stede left.
The night was dreary. The sea was lit with the moonlight and on all counts it could be considered a beautiful night. Not to Ed. Tonight was cold and miserable. Like all the others since Stede. Tomorrow would be the same.
The boat creaked, which was not abnormal for a boat out at sea, but what was abnormal was the door to the room opening and a glimmer of blond hair strolling in, quietly but like it owned the place.
Stede had returned. After all the pain he put Ed through and he was back. And then that pain didn't matter anymore. Stede was back.
Ed watched Stede tip-toe over the piles of clothes in the captain's quarters, as if Ed wasn't awake and watching him do so. Of course, Stede hadn't seen Ed, who was brooding at the window, yet. Maybe the grease all over his face made him camouflage into the darkness of the ship at night. Food for thought.
Ed drew his dagger. It didn't matter that he had already forgiven Stede, it was the principle of the matter.
Stede lifted a sheet from the old blanket fort and peered inside, wrinkling his nose at the spilled food on his old, although still expensive sheets. It had been there for days and Ed had yet to feel up to chucking it like the rest of Stede's stuff.
"If I was going to steal onto a ship at the dead of night to find the most dangerous pirate on these seas, I wouldn’t start rummaging around in his stuff," said Ed with his best menacing voice which, in this current situation, wasn't that menacing at all.
Ed gestured to his dagger which he tilted slightly so it would glint in the moonlight, if only for a second.
Stede gasped and turned around to face Ed. His smile seemed to light up the darkened room. He seemed genuinely happy to see Ed. That was strange, a surprise.
"Ed," Stede said with such adoration in his tone, "I missed you."
Yep, that was it. Ed had cried so much while Stede was away that he thought he couldn't actually produce a tear anymore, like he had run dry. Now he knew he was just saving them up for now.
"You fucking left! You left me and you didn't come back!" Ed yelled between sobs.
If Stede was taken aback he didn't show it.
"Yes, and it was the worst decision I have ever made," Stede said earnestly, "and I will do anything for you to forgive me."
That fucking bastard.
"Hang yourself then!"
"Do you really want that?" asked Stede softly.
"… No, no I don't."
Ed's sobs were less audible now. Tears were still streaming down his face but his heart was slowly healing with the hope Stede had li,t like a small fire inside him. Like a fire on a ship made of wood, inexplicable but yet when Stede is there, somehow there is a way.
Stede walked towards Ed steadily and surely, and Ed did not move away when Stede's arms placed themselves by Ed's sides and held him. It was a gentle touch, one Ed could easily break, with a pressure Ed could definitely feel but not enough to even remotely hurt. It was tender and soft and Ed felt wholly unworthy.
"Then I'm here. I'm here and I will never leave your side again for as long as you will have me."
"Why?" whispered Ed, quiet enough that Stede may have not heard.
Stede heard.
"I love you," he replied simply.
The fire inside Ed, once small and flickering, burned stronger than ever.
Ed lunged onto Stede, knocking them both to the ground. Instead of breaking his fall, Stede held onto Ed tighter.
Ed kissed like a drowning man, with less gasping for air and more ignoring that he needed to breathe. In that moment, Ed didn’t need to breathe- all he needed was Stede. It was desperate and messy and all Ed had ever wanted. It was like home to a man who had never truly had one.
Too soon they broke apart, both panting heavily because they did in fact need air to live. Stede let out a timid giggle at the ridiculousness of it all. Two grown men should probably be able to kiss properly at this point in their lives, not causing themselves to hyperventilate like inexperienced teenagers. It didn't matter though because they were in this together.
"We need to talk," said Stede.
"I know, but not now, now I just want you," said Ed. Because it was true. Because he needed life to be simple for just a little longer- as if simplicity could ever be used as a descriptor for the complicated and messy phenomenon that is love. Ed needed to be loved simply, just for the moment, just for now, just so he could forget about tomorrow.
"Ed," admonished Stede.
"We're going to have forever to talk, let me have this now," pleaded Ed.
"I guess that's true," said Stede, smiling into another kiss.
Most people consider this sort of kissing a kind of foreplay, a lead up to the main event. That was not the case in this instance. Their bodies were pressed together, yes, but it was less sexual and more like a physical representation of the need to be close to one another, the need to hold and never let go. They were going to have matching fingerprints bruised into their bodies and neither would be happy if it were any other way. Their lips were sharing what could not be said in words. I'm sorry, I love you, don’t leave me, never again.
It could have been minutes but it was much more likely that it had been hours after they broke away. Ed could only stare at Stede's lips- they were red, swollen and coated their shared in saliva. He would need a balm for them tomorrow. Ed would probably need the balm too. Maybe he and Stede could share it and kiss it onto each other's lips. That was a thought. Tomorrow was another thought.
"I'm worried you might disappear," said Ed softly, nervously.
"I won't."
Ed could only look at Stede, not knowing what to say. Only wanting to say one thing but not being able to make out the words.
"I'm not sure I can say it yet."
"That's okay, I will say it enough for the both of us."
Silence fell on the room. So did desperate anticipation.
"I love you so much Ed. I will be here, by your side, always," said Stede, who understood Ed to his very core. Who loved him anyway.
"Stay here tonight."
Stede stood up and Ed braced himself for rejection.
"I won't be sleeping on the floor though," said Stede.
Stede held out his hand for Ed to pull himself up with. Ed did.
"Come to bed, darling," said Stede, leading Ed to the bed, still holding his hand.
Ed lay in Stede's arms which were holding him firmly, like Stede was never going to let go. It wasn't enough but it was enough for tonight.
"I love you so much, Ed," murmured Stede into the back of Ed's shoulder.
After a while, Ed heard Stede's breathing soften and steady, his arms still wrapped around Ed with the same steadfast hold.
"I love you too," said Ed to the darkness.
He will tell Stede soon, he thought, as slumber gripped him as well. He drifted to sleep, more peacefully than he ever thought was possible, in the arms of his beloved.
Tomorrow was full of promise.