Chapter Text
He can’t breathe.
The hand over his mouth constricting his airways, as well as the pain of a dry penis slamming into his asshole is enough to kill him. At least, that’s how it feels. Sadly, it isn’t enough to actually kill him.
Sunoo wishes it was.
He doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. Is the physical and emotional pain worth it for the fame he’s acquired? Are the threats enough to keep him quiet anymore?
He doesn’t know.
This has been going on for almost a year now. Since the third week of iland, when one of the choreographers, Mr. Kim, crowded him in the bathroom and told him, “I could make all your dreams come true, just get on your knees for me this once.”
Of course Sunoo said no. But it’s not that easy when your dealing with a 30-something-year old rapist. He was tall and strong compared to Sunoo’s tiny, lithe frame. There was no way he could stop him. No matter how much he punched, and kicked, and screamed, and pleaded, and-
Stop.
He doesn’t want to think about that right now, especially when it’s happening again. For now, he thinks of something else. Something good.
He’s at the beach. Floating in the waves and soaking in the sun.
He’s going to shower and go home to his loving members and his soft bed. He’s going-
“Ahhh yes, you feel so good little one. I’m so close.”
The whisper pulls him back to the present. He feels the man cum inside him and all over his thighs. He feels the man’s cock pull out and the pat he leaves on Sunoo’s lower back. He feels it but he’s so numb.
“Look at you, such a slut with my cum all over your thighs. Now, clean up like a good boy and make sure no one sees you.” Mr. Kim says while buttoning his jeans.
The man leaves with a slammed door.
Like clock work, Sunoo stands and lifts his pants. He winced at the pain but makes sure to school his face before opening the door and making his way to the bathroom.
He immediately gets in the shower and turns the water on the hottest setting. Scrubbing his skin raw and not stopping until it starts bleeding.
After about 20 minutes, Sunoo deems himself clean enough. It’s not like he’ll really be able to scrub away the impurity he’s become. And he knows the others will be wondering what’s taking him so long, since it’s already 1 am and he said he would be home before midnight.
*
The walk back to the dorm was uneventful. Sunoo doesn’t even remember it, disassociating for most of it. Somehow, he put the code in the front door and made his way into the kitchen.
He startles at the sight of his hyung standing by the stove, not expecting anyone to still be awake.
"Oh you home, finally!" Heeseung says, stirring the pot of ramen he's cooking. "We were getting worried, you don't usually stay so late practicing."
"Yeah, sorry, I guess I just got carried away." Sunoo answered in a daze.
It's silent as Heeseung puts the finished pot of ramen on the dining table with two bowls for them to eat. They both sit, a bit awkwardly, across from each other waiting for the other to speak first.
"Here," Heeseung offers the rest of the ramen he didn't put in his bowl, "have some, you must be hungry after dancing for all those hours."
"Ah no thank you, hyung, I'm not hungry."
"Since when is Kim Sunoo not hungry?!" Heeseung says with a laugh but there's an underlying worry in his face. When he's met with just an unamused, airy laugh from Sunoo, he knows something is really wrong.
"Sunoo," Heeseung says, timidly, "you're not okay, are you?"
"What? What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fine, hyung." He tries to play it off with a fake smile.
"You haven't been okay for a while now. It's- we've noticed you being more reserved and sad, we just want to make sure you're okay."
"Like I said, I'm perfectly fine, hyung, you guys have nothing to worry about." Sunoo answers, defensively.
"That's untrue and you know it." The voice from the kitchen doorway startles him he looks to his right to find Jay leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and an unreadable expression on his face.
"You've been acting weird for months now. You're always in your own head and depressed. Physically you've been different too. I can't remember the last time I saw you eat a proper meal, your hands are always shaking and you never let us hug or cuddle you anymore. Remember the other day when Niki went to fix your position during dance practice and you flinched so hard you fell? These aren't normal behaviors, Sunoo, We're really worried about you." Jay says, frantically as he sits next to Heeseung at the table.
Sunoo doesn't know what to say. He can't even look his hyungs in the face, choosing to fiddle with his shaking hands instead. The lack of response makes the tension even thicker, and Jay lets out an exasperated sigh.
Putting a comforting hand on his arm, Heeseung stops Jay before his emotions take over. "Sunoo, we're not trying to make you upset, we just want you to know that whatever is going on we're here to help. You can tell us anything, we just don't want you to suffer alone anymore."
More silence stretches on as Sunoo continues to stare into nothingness. His body is frozen but his mind is running a million miles an hour. This isn't the first time Sunoo has thought of confessing to one of his hyungs but it's definitely the first time the opportunity has been so open. And it's scaring him.
What will they think if I tell them? Will they even believe me? What if they hate me, kick me out of the group, think I'm disgusting?
He doesn't notice the tears in his eyes or the shakiness of his breath until a hand on his arm brings him back to the present.
"Don't touch me!" He screams and flinches so hard he falls off the chair.
"Woah! Hey, Sunoo calm down, baby, its okay." Heeseung says comfortingly while making his way around the table towards Sunoo.
But Sunoo doesn't realize it's him, his mind still in that far away place with the man who hurts him.
"Please, don't- please stop!" Sunoo scrambles away until his back hits the wall, sending him into a deeper panic. He can't breathe, his chest moving up and down rapidly and his airways burn with the breaths that don't make it to his lungs. His head spins and tears blur his vision, making him feel even more disconnected from reality. Maybe this is finally how he dies.
Somehow his mind clears enough for him to make out the voices of Jay and Heeseung in front of him, coaxing him to calm his breathing.
"Sunoo look at me, okay. Breathe with me, deep breath in for three, hold for three and out for three okay? let's try." Jay takes a deep breath and encourages Sunoo to follow his instructions.
"In- one, two, three, hold- one, two, three, out- one, two, three. Good, one more time."
At some point, Sunoo's breathing calms down enough to be aware of his surroundings. He's on the kitchen floor, Jay holding his hand to his chest and Heeseung staring with the most worried, helpless expression he's ever seen. The moment is so embarrassing and vulnerable for Sunoo. And for the first time in almost a year, he breaks.
"I can't- please, hyung! I can't say it, don't make me say it! I can't- I can't!" Sunoo pleads. His entire frame shaking from the force of his sobs.
"Okay, baby, it's okay. You don't have to say it until you're ready, okay? We won't make you say anything," Heeseung says while hugging Sunoo to his chest, tears streaming down his face from watching his dongsaeng break down.
When he looks up, he sees Jay in a similar state, and startles to find the other Enhypen members in the doorway watching with shocked faces. Sunoo's outburst must've woken them up.
Nobody dares to move until Sunoo's cries die down, but it seems he cried himself to sleep because he didn't respond to Heesueng's calls. Heeseung doesn't mind though and starts to rub soothing circles on Sunoo's back just as the others walk slowly towards them.
"Um... What was that?" Jungwon is the first to speak.
"Something extremely worrying." Jay says while standing up, "But something we won't be discussing until tomorrow. We all need to rest, especially Sunoo, so let's get him to bed as quickly as possible."
Jay helps to pick up Sunoo and carry him to Heeseung's bed, where the eldest pulls him to his chest and covers him with the blanket. The peace radiating from Sunoo is something they haven't seen in him in a long time, and it's enough for the members to put aside the commotion of the night and allow their sunshine to sleep.
They'll worry about the rest tomorrow.