Work Text:
Junmyeon presses his fingers against his temples, a futile attempt to stave off the headache that’s been pestering him for most of the day. After staring at the document before him, barely absorbing whatever it’s supposed to say, he figures it’s about time for him to take a break. But rather than step out of his office, he opens a drawer, takes out a pen and some paper, and starts writing a letter.
Dear my everything,
How are you today? I hope you’re doing well.
Have you been getting enough rest, or are you being a busybody and barely sleeping? I’m not really one to talk to be honest. You know me well enough to know why.
I’ve been keeping myself occupied. Work is... well... work. A lot of papers filled with jargon that even I’m having trouble understanding. So I took a break and started writing this letter to sort of clear my head. See? I’m taking the advice you kept telling me about stepping away from things when I start feeling like it’s getting too much. It’s a small step, but it’s a step nonetheless, right?
Anyway, I should probably finish reading this one proposal. The faster I get it done, the earlier I can go home. You’ll probably get annoyed at how much I can ramble without really saying anything when you see this. I know you. You’ll mock me.
I love you for it anyway.
Yours forever,
Junmyeon
He caps his pen and rips the top sheet from the pad, folding the piece of paper as neatly as possible. Junmyeon opens a different drawer, pulling out a wooden box and placing the letter in it. He notes how the box is almost brimming with papers. He’ll have to get a new one soon.
***
At the insistence of his co-workers, Junmyeon takes off from work for a few days. His boss was adamant in getting him to take a break, citing how a major deal had gone through thanks to Junmyeon, and he deserves a vacation because of it.
If it was anyone else, they will surely jump at the chance. It was a free pass, after all. But Junmyeon wasn’t just anyone else.
Junmyeon prefers to keep himself busy, helping him put focus on something other than the rest of his reality. He’s fully aware that everyone’s caught on to what he was doing by now. So instead of letting himself be subject to their pitying gazes, he takes his leave. Being alone and away from prying eyes is a better situation in his head, actually living through it is a whole other matter.
He takes one last look out into the ocean before making his trek back to the beach house, his deep sigh disappearing into the roar of crashing waves. It’s to the sound of the sea that he starts writing another letter.
Dear my everything,
It’s two days into spring and I’m at the beach. I must be crazy for thinking the weather will be forgiving. The wind definitely makes me think it’s still the middle of winter. I’m questioning my life choices as I write this, just so you know.
I hope the weather is much better where you are. I wish we’re together for this rare time that I’m actually off work. I most likely wouldn’t have chosen the beach if that was the case. I’m sure you would have convinced me one way or the other to take a dip in freezing cold temperatures. So I would have thought to go somewhere warmer, or maybe we’ll just never leave the house.
Freezing but still yours forever,
Junmyeon
***
Junmyeon stares blankly at the sheet of paper in his hands. He sees the words but his brain hardly recognizes what it means, refuses to process it even.
“You should take it.”
He snaps his head up, eyes meeting that of his boss. If the expression on the other’s face is anything to go by, Junmyeon is sure that he looks lost. He doesn’t know what to say, much less what to do.
“You need a change of scenery,” his boss continues. “Seoul holds too much pain for you.”
“I’m not moving across the world just because of that.”
The older man shakes his head, gaze transforming into that one emotion Junmyeon has learned to hate.
“You’re an incredible employee, Junmyeon, and as much as it will hurt for this office to lose you, you’re made for better things. The promotion and move to California will do you plenty of good. It’s much more than what we can offer you here.”
“Can I think about it?”
“The offer is open for two months. Take your time,” his boss says. “But I’m telling you now, getting out of here will be for the best.”
Those words echo and haunt him all the way back to his apartment. His entire being feels heavy, body sinking into the couch cushions like he was made of lead. Junmyeon knows he has time to spare, to allow himself some leeway before he has to seriously think about it. But coming to a decision that will undoubtedly change the dynamic of his entire life isn’t one he can just sit on.
And so he writes.
Dear my everything,
I’m sad and everyone knows it. Seoul just isn’t the same. I hate it but at the same time I can’t bear the idea of leaving.
I don’t know what to do. I used to be the level-headed one between the two of us, but I just feel so out of my element right now. When will you pop out of nowhere with one of your crazy ideas?
Lost but still yours forever,
Junmyeon
***
It doesn’t take Junmyeon two weeks to decide that perhaps his boss was right. Seoul had nothing else to offer him but a lingering bad taste in his mouth. He doesn’t get to leave fast enough, though. He has to wait for a replacement, to help whoever he or she was to transition into his position. He has to process necessary documents. He has to sell some of his belongings and put some of them in storage. He has to wait for the California office to confirm that he’ll have a place to stay. Those tasks are sure to come easy. But on the list of things Junmyeon has to do before leaving, he’s not sure what to do about one thing.
He has to say goodbye to family.
Dear my everything,
I met your mother today. Everyone was over at my parents house for dinner, but seeing your mom was the highlight of the night.
I’m still not sure whether or not moving to California is the best idea, but everyone is supportive of the decision. They say they’re sure it will do me a lot of good. Jury’s out on that until I get there, I guess. There are plenty of promises to keep in touch, and alternating visits if the opportunity comes.
Your mom said they’re talking about going home. I’m not sure how to feel about that yet. I understand the reason, it’s the same as why I’m packing up my bags, isn’t it? They can make a similar choice. I just don’t know what to think of coming back to Seoul at some point and not being able to see her.
My brother joked about not missing him too much. If anything, it’s the weather I’m going to miss the most. It doesn’t rain that much in California after all.
Yours always and forever,
Junmyeon
***
Junmyeon’s able to settle in fairly quickly. He considers himself lucky that summer in Seoul isn’t all that different to the general California weather. His co-workers have all been accommodating. The only real difference was how he uses more English. He wonders how long it will take before his accent neutralizes, to which some of them chuckle and say it’s not something he needs to worry about.
One person in particular helps him out with things more often than not. Sometimes Junmyeon feels like a cornered animal because of the other’s actions, even if he knows there’s no ill intent behind it. Slowly but surely, he gets used to it. He finds himself smiling more, laughing more. But at the end of the day, he lets his heart break all over again.
Dear my everything,
I’m not sure where or how to start this letter. I feel so wrong for even entertaining the idea behind why I’m writing this.
It can’t be this easy, right? It shouldn’t be. I don’t even want to feel this way and I need to know how to make it stop. Help me. Please.
Send me a sign. Maybe a little fall of rain.
Fighting to be yours always and forever,
Junmyeon
***
Dear my everything,
I heard it’s the official start of winter in Seoul. My brother says he’ll try to send me pictures for when the first snow falls. I’m not expecting snow in California, not unless I go up into the mountain resorts. I have no plans to, of course. You know how I like warm things.
It rained the other day. A short drizzle, really, nothing like what we’re used to.
I guess it’s about time I tell you...
There’s this guy. His name is Sehun.
I miss you.
Still yours always and forever,
Junmyeon
***
Junmyeon tries to keep still, waiting for the perfect moment. When the telltale even, deep breaths tickle the back of his neck, he makes his move. Junmyeon carefully picks the arm resting around his waist, slipping out from underneath the sheets without rousing the other. He pulls on whatever piece of clothing he gets his hands on, not bothering whether it fits or hangs off of his small frame.
He takes quiet steps out of the bedroom, eyes adjusting to the somewhat brighter living area. He gives himself a few moments before picking his steps back up, making his way to the in-home office and shutting the door. He sits at the desk and allows his mind to wander and wonder. These days, he can never be too sure of what he’s doing, much less how he feels.
So he picks up pen and paper like he does, like he’s done for years, and he writes.
Dear my everything,
It’s been two years, or seven depending on where, when, and why you started counting. I wonder how things are with you. I hope you’re doing well, or at least faring better than I am.
It’s hard, I won’t lie. I can’t hide how I feel from you for the life of me anyway. You always had that uncanny ability to see through me and make me do things out of the ordinary. It’s like how you always convinced me to play outside when we’re not supposed to. There’s also our first kiss and that one beach vacation just at the turn of spring. I can still feel the chill in my bones whenever the memories creep into my head.
I know I’m not supposed to do this. Not anymore. I can’t help it though. You left an impression on me that no one can match, a hole no one can fill no matter how hard they try. Sehun can only do so much, but even then it’s not enough.
Am I being too selfish? Here’s a guy who’s been nothing but amazing. He’s patient and kind. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He gets me to talk and be weird, even when I thought only you could do that. He makes me feel things I thought I buried deep into oblivion, things I thought I already forgot. He’s amazing, really. But he’s not you. No one will ever be you.
It does rain in California, but it’s not the torrent I’ve known with you.
I spent the better part of my life wishing for the rain to let up. Now that it has, all I want is a downpour.
I still love you, Yixing.
Yours then, now, always and forever,
Junmyeon