Chapter Text
“Okay though seriously Rose, you can’t tell me that this is not a romantic comedy set up. A pair of hot siblings moving downtown to the big apple living it up then, boom, surprise, one of them falls in love with the neighbour or the coworker. There’s making out and a bollywood style musical number and the audience is so moved they’re all in tears, throwing roses at the screen. Alfred Hitchcock rises from the grave so moved that he vows to devote his undead life to the rom-com genre.”
Rose sighed. “Dave, I don’t think you have a romantic follicle in your body that could even make it possible for you to write a romantic comedy much less one that could raise Hitchcock from the dead.”
“Rose, please. I’m so romantic that I shit out chocolate and red roses. My pores literally seep rosé and aphrodisiacs. I’ve got babes crawling from every crevice of nyc asking for my giant toblerone.”
Rose reached into the box pulling out another glass and looking amused
“I’m angry that you made me even imagine that.” She told him with mock disgust.
Dave shrugged, grabbed the glass from her hand, and placed it in the cabinet. There was quiet as they placed the rest of the dishes in the cabinets. All of their dishes and silverware had been an apartment warming gift from Roxy, so naturally they clashed with everything else in the apartment. But Rose and Dave wouldn’t turn down a present from Roxy, especially considering how excited she had been about picking it from amazon for them. She had faced timed them as soon as the dishware arrived, practically screaming about how good they looked in their kitchen (Roxy: “I kneeew chartreuse would look good in your kitchen! Green and red are meant to be, they literally compliment each other on the colour wheel.”)
Ten minutes later as Dave was opening a pack of sponges Rose cleared her throat lightly in the way she always did when she was trying to get his attention. Dave turned his head, facing his ear toward her as a sign that he was paying attention.
“There’s no food anywhere in this kitchen so I was thinking Indian food tonight. There’s a place I’ve passed on the way to work a couple of times that I’m curious about. Plus I’ve heard a handful of my coworkers practically raving about it at work ;their mango lassis are something to behold apparently.” Rose said closing the cabinet where she had just placed all of their pots and pans which were now stacked neatly.
Dave shook his head “No can do Rose. I gotta semi hot date tonight.”
Rose raised an eyebrow. “Really? Another one, Dave? That's the third on this week I believe.”
“Yeah, but I didn't even hook up with the last one. He was a juggalo Rose. A god damn real life juggalo. I thought they were made up.”
“He was wearing clown makeup in his profile picture!” Rose said, exasperated.
Dave shrugged. “So? I thought it was cosplay isn't there some webcomic that has, I dunno, a murderous juggalo or something?”
Rose rubbed her temple with her palm and looked at Dave seriously.
“Look Dave, just... be careful.”
“Am I ever not careful?” Dave asked absentmindedly, unlocking his phone and meandering away from the kitchen, tripping on a box on the way out.
“Constantly.” Rose replied, rolling her eyes and watching him walk out, not even pausing from the stumble.
Dave walked down the vacant hallway (save Rose’s weird American gothic style painting of her and Jaspers II which he wasn't sure was a joke or not) (he wanted one too) to his room and closed the door behind him. He collapsed on his frameless mattress, laying back on his unmade bed and glared at the boxes stacked in the corner. It had been three weeks and Dave had managed to live out of the boxes, only unpacking his desktop, records, and portable record table.
Now though the boxes were an eyesore and he wanted them gone. Dave sighed and readied himself to stand, having been gathering his willpower to sit up and finally do something about them, when his phone vibrated in his joggers’ pocket. He patted his thigh absentmindedly, to find the opening of his pocket, and pulled out his phone. Looking at the cracked screen cover, Dave saw that he had received pesters from multiple people in the ten minutes since he had checked last. Two from John, one from Dirk, a notification from twitter, and a message from Eridan, the guy he was supposed to go on a date with tonight. Talking to Dirk nearly always made him anxious and John was probably just being an idiot so he decided to answer Eridan first.
Eridan: wwe still on for dinner? Red Fork, 7:00?
Eridan: we*
Dave: yeah man, you’ve asked like twice already
Eridan: Whale, I just wanted to make shore
Eridan: well*, sure*
Dave: are you shore you're not doing that on porpoise
Eridan: Don't patronise me. Sea you later.
Eridan: see*
Dave stared blankly at his phone. He still had a lot of time before they were supposed to meet up and he knew that unpacking would just become harder the more he put it off. However, instead of making any movement towards his packed junk, he contemplated Rose's earlier word and his date with Eridan. They'd been talking for about two days and Dave honestly found Eridan extremely annoying. He took everything to heart and sulked way too much and all he ever did was complain or brag. The more Dave thought about it the more annoying he was. But Dave, it seemed to both Rose and himself, was desperate as well as stubborn. And his stubborn desperation seemed to manifest in grotesque ways; pursuing a nice face with a creepy personality for the first date , a painted juggalo the second (who tried to take him to a 7-11 for a date), and now a moody rich kid who couldn’t seem to decide whether or not to brag about or depreciate himself. Rose had hinted multiple times now that it was Dave’s way of coping with Bro and Terezi, and Dave, ever so astute, had managed to sidestep that conversation. He knew that Rose was even more stubborn and hot headed than Dave was, like her sister and like her mom, and she would find a way to get him to spill the beans but Dave was not prepared. He had never had anything remotely close to a heart to heart with his Bro. From his experience, heart to hearts with Bro had always gone south.
Dave sighed, spine hunched with stupid anxiety about the already dead Bro and glanced once again at the boxes before reaching for his laptop. Memes and Clickhole articles were enough to calm any soul, plus, they were great for procrastinating. He had plenty of time to unpack anyways. Later.
Before heading to the red fork, Dave dropped his film off at Walgreens to get them developed. He couldn't develop anything himself yet since his makeshift darkroom wasn't set up. Also, he didn't have the right supplies or right anything to develop colour film anyway. Most of the time he shot in colour but black and white had their own charms. Also, were good for practicing composition.
After quickly dropping the film off, Dave double timed it to the restaurant from the pharmacy in the biting cold, still managing to be five minutes late. He entered the restaurant, nose frozen and dripping and a light powder of snow sticking to his coat and on top of his short blonde curls. Dave scanned the room and spotted Eridan right as Eridan spotted him. Dave strolled over to him. Eridan looked just like his profile pic (hallelujah, no catfishing). He was tall, taller than Dave possibly, with a thin face and an even tan. His hair was dark brown and his eyes a deeper purple than Rose’s, more indigo.
“Hey Dave, nice of you to show up.” Eridan quipped.
Dave wanted to remind him that he was only five minutes late but instead settled with. “A queen is never late, everyone else is simply early”, using his best Julie Andrews voice and still managing to make his tone flat.
Eridan rolled his eyes, looking completely unamused. “W-Whatever, you’re nowhere near royalty level and you lateness bans you from quoting Julie Andrews. Hurry up, they're holding our table for us.”
Their waitress lead them to a both in the centre of the dining area, told them her name was Debra, gave them their menus with the promise of bread, and left them to their own devices.
“I had other plans that I definitely forgot about for tonight but I managed to cancel. My brother is going over his boyfriend’s for dinner and the last thing I wanna do it's be in the same building as that fuckin family so you really saved my ass.”
Dave held back a remark about Eridan’s ass and instead cleared his throat.
“So you don't like your brother’s boyfriend then?”
Eridan rolled his eyes behind his gold wayfarer shaped glasses.
“Meh, not really I guess. He's kind of a prat he talks way too damn much. Plus his brother is kinda pissy. Can't blame the guy with a sibling like that though. Plus my own brother is totally a douche so I guess he and Kankri deserve each other.”
“Wait his name is fuckin ‘Cranky’?” Dave asked, cocking an eyebrow in amusement.
Eridan rolled his eyes again. “No you dumb fuck. it's Chan. Cree. Say it with me.”
“Can key?”
“You are literally a piece of shit.”
The two spent the rest of the night exchanging stories and verbal blows. It was admittedly fun quibbling with Eridan and Dave begrudgingly accepted he was having a good time. At least he was until he noticed that Eridan had single handily destroyed half a bottle of wine and he was getting sloppier by the millisecond. Dave watched, somewhat nervously as Eridan threw back glass after glass of wine. By 10:00 Eridan had more wine than he could obviously handle and Dave could tell that everyone in the restaurant were moments away from choking him on the spot. Eridan’s already shrill voice had managed to raise five levels and his hand eye coordination had gone down twice as many. Dave tried to keep his face passive as Eridan explained to him, loudly, exactly how he had caught his ex cheating on him with his former fiancee. When Eridan started getting hysterical, Dave knew it was time to abscond or they would be asked to leave. Their waitress approached the table wearily, steering clear of Eridan’s side.
“Here’s your bill, sir.”
“Thanks, one sec,” Dave said, holding up his pointer finger as a sign for the waitress to stay put while he quickly fished his wallet out of his pocket. The waitress looked uncomfortable as Eridan continued to sob and wail about his lost loves. Dave handed her back the bill with his card, remembering that Eridan was supposed to pay and deciding it really didn’t matter. The waitress shuffled away and returned with the a speed that would have put Usain Bolt to shame.
“Thank you, have a goodnight.” The waitress said as she hurried away. Dave looked over at Eridan and exhaled loudly.
“Okay your highness, let's bounce.”
“I thought you were the queen”
Dave left a generous tip for the poor staff and shuffled to Eridan, lifiting him from his seat. Eridan protested by going limp in Dave's arms. After much struggle, the pair exited the restaurant, Dave feeling everyone’s eyes on them, regretting everything at once, and hoping the universe would grant him mercy or perhaps the sweet release of death.
The two sat across from the restaurant on a park bench and Dave lightly smacked Eridan's arm.
“Yo, do you got a way to get home? Do I need to get a cab?”
Eridan, whose head had lulled to the side rolled it back to look at Dave.
“Were ya wearin’ thouse shadts earlier?” he asked “Becaus those are fuckin tacky”, Eridan gauffed.
“Do you have anyone I could call?” Dave asked, ignoring him, “A sister, uncle, friend, a-- fuck idk-- chauffeur? You’re rich right? A chauffeur seems like it would make sense. Or like a manservant or some shit.”
“Gimme the prognosis doc, How'd I die?” Eridan responded woefully, blanching even more.
Dave stared evenly at the human mess in front of him for a second before demanding his phone. Another five minutes passed before he managed to actually attain it, finally wrestling it from a giggling Eridan. Dave pressed the home button, thoroughly annoyed, and sighed in relief as the home screen showed up, thanking the universe he didn't have to try to pry Eridan's password from him. Eridan had mentioned his siblings before he had gotten white girl wasted. Cronk? Carter? Cronus— that was the name, Cronus. Dave searched Eridan’s contacts for his brother’s name and texted him the situation.
Eridan: yo is this eridan’s brother
Cronus: yea wwho the hell is this?
Eridan: im dave and your bro is drunk as fuck and can't form a coherent enough sentence to tell me where he lives so i reckon you should come get him
Eridan: he just puked in the bushes nice
Eridan: this is why I never joined a fraternity. this and the raging seas of male testosterone. i can barely stand my own tbh
Cronus: okay so shut up first of all and second of all can you hold on to him until I can get there? It might be a bit. Where are ya guys?
Eridan: Red Fork
Cronus: cool, don't move
Eridan: im pretty fuckin positive we couldnt if we wanted to but well try to resist the temptation
Dave looked over at Eridan who was now sprawled on the bench, trying to sing what sounded like a bad rendition of an Italian opera although it could have been a (pitchy) Ariana Grande cover. Dave settled on the next bench over, pulling his jacket closer to try and consolidate heat.
By time Cronus arrived, Eridan had passed out, Dave’s hands were numb with cold, and he had beaten twenty levels of candy crush on top of catching eight pidgeys and a diglett. The passenger’s side door swung open and the man Dave assumed was Eridan’s brother stepped out. They looked scarily similar. However, unlike Eridan, he had broader shoulders, and his hair was black and slicked back. He was wearing semi formal clothes and looked too much like a greaser from The Outsiders.
“You Dave?” The man asked, eyeing Dave up and down who nodded casually back. Cronus strolled over to Eridan who was snoring quietly and smacked the side of his face with his hand.
“Ey, Seaweed Brain, get the hell up. Let's get you home.” He tapped his face again and Eridan stirred.
“Water you doin here?” Eridan questioned, words slurred from the drinking and sleeping.
“Me and the Vantas’ we're havin’ desert when blondie here texted me. Kankri said he'd drop us off; let's go.” Cronus slung Eridan over his shoulder like an overgrown sea bass and turned to Dave.
“Hey, you too. I'd feel bad if we didn't offer you a ride.” Cronus turned his head to the car to address the driver through the open door. “Yo Kan is that cool?”
A voice answered back from the front seat. “Yes, perfectly fine.” Cronus opened the back door and was about to slide Eridan in when another voice rose from the back seat.
“HELL NO! I am NOT sitting next to the four eyed scrawny douche. He smells like fucking puke!”
The driver addressed the passenger. “Karkat please it is late, alright? Just deal with it for a moment until I drop you off.”
“Kankri, if I have to sit next to him I swear I will puke all over your front window and cause a crash that will, god be willing, kill us all instantly.” Karkat replied his voice so passionate that Dave was positive he meant it.
Kankri sighed like this was a common occurrence. “Fine, Karkat just… switch with Cronus or something I don't care as long as everyone has a seatbelt.”
Dave heard the car door open and slam close as Karkat walked around the front of the car to shotgun. Dave was surprised upon seeing him. Unlike his voice, he looked... soft, not a corner on him, except perhaps his pointed look. His hair was curly and stuck every which way and his skin was a warm brown, a shade darker than Dave’s own. And man, he was short. Karkat huffed and got in the front seat slamming the door. Cronus puffed out a laugh whispering,“whatever, I don't give a shit”, under his breath and practically tossed Eridan in the car before following suit and sliding in after him. Dave, unfazed, sat in the car seat behind Karkat.
“Hey, what's your address?” Karkat asked gruffly, looking back at him phone poised and google maps open.
“You tryin to pick me up or something?” Dave asked jokingly, wiggling his eyebrows.
Karkat sighed, a bored, pissed look settling on his face
“Look you shady douche ( Kankri: “Karkat!”) , just put the address into google maps so we can drop you off. I want to fucking go home.”
“Anything for the pretty lady.” Dave said winking and grabbing the phone from Karkat's extended hand. Karkat barely resisted the urge to choke the life out of him. Dave typed in the address, and handed it back. Karkat stared at the address for a moment, his face a mask of confusion, discomfort, and slight panic, then he tapped the route button and plugged his phone into the aux.
The drive to the apartment was quiet; occasionally Siri would tell them to turn and interrupt the soft music that was playing or Eridan, who had fallen asleep immediately upon sitting in the car, would snore.
It was a twenty minute drive to the apartment complex. They pulled up to the front and Dave got out.
“Thanks for the ride y'all,” he said waving casually and closed his door. Much to Dave's surprise though, he turned to see the guy in shotgun getting out as well.
“Yo, something you wanted to say?”
Karkat slammed his door and glared so terrifyingly at Dave, he almost flinched.
“No, I fucking live here and I'm going home.”
Dave sighed. The universe truly truly loved to test him. The two boys entered the lobby, the air between them charged with so much awkwardness, Dave had to wonder if the receptionist could feel it radiating to them all the way from the desk.
Karkat and Dave silently stood, stiffly waiting for the elevator. Dave pressed his floor button, 36, and stepped back so Karkat could press his. But he didn't. Instead, his expression changed from a forced casualness to one of horrified realisation.
The elevator was fast and still the ride managed to feel excruciatingly slow. Karkat took the time to curse each and every god he could think of while Dave stared blankly at the floor numbers as they flashed by. When the elevator finally came to a stop, The pair exited as quickly as they could. Karkat zoomed to his door, quickly unlocking it and slamming it but not before Dave let out a awkward “g’night?” Dave stared at Karkat's door for a moment more before inserting the key into his own door, and stepping inside.