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The kink in his neck was only one of several aches Steve noticed as he woke. They were familiar twinges, the kind he got with a new type of activity despite having worked hard to nearly gain his pre-transplant level of fitness. The kind of subtle, pleasant pain he got after doing things he hadn’t done in a long, long time. He felt heat next to him, all up in his space and smiled, stretched his legs and his free arm out with his eyes still closed. The sex had been … exactly what he probably would have expected had he expected it, with an edge of competitiveness that he wasn’t used to. The overall effect had made the whole thing very athletic.
And pretty damn amazing.
Steve opened his eyes, raised his head a little to take in the sight. Danny sprawled face down, half draped over him, was an amazing view. In the diffuse light of early morning, his partner’s mussed hair looked golden, mimicking a time when it had been more sun-kissed. The sheet was draped loosely over the lower half of their bodies. Gently, Steve tugged the bedclothes down so he could get a good gander at Danny’s spectacular ass. He’d spent years not noticing it, he realized now that had been subconsciously deliberate; he had earned the ogle time.
He felt the scrape of stubble against his shoulder half a second before Danny murmured, voice sleep-rough, “Hey.”
Shifting his gaze from Danny’s ass, their loosely intertwined legs, to Danny’s face, Steve thought he caught the tail end of an expression his partner always got when he was thinking about saying something Steve wouldn’t like. Steve did the only reasonable thing to do under the circumstances – he shut whatever it was down before it could happen. He pressed his lips to Danny’s in a sure kiss, smiled as Danny responded with only a moment’s hesitation. It was perfect, rank morning taste and all. They fit together so well, like they had been made exclusively for each other.
No one could or would say he was big on sentiment, but right here and right now, Steve thought he was as happy as he’d ever been. It surprised the hell out of him, how quickly it had happened. No, that wasn’t right, he thought hazily as Danny’s tongue did amazing, mindblowing things. It hadn’t been quick at all. The physical, maybe. But in every other way, it had been a long, drawn-out exercise in denial.
Eighteen hours earlier
Since Max’s farewell party a few days ago, Danny had been different, more taciturn. Danny being quieter than usual was something Steve shouldn’t mind. He should have learned by now to appreciate these kinds of rare moments, but it unnerved him too much for him to ever enjoy it when Danny went mute, especially in the car. His partner was a man of strong opinions and he’d never had much of a filter, so the silence wasn’t as pleasant as it should be. All the dead air made him wonder what could possibly be going through Danny’s head, and if it had anything to do with him. He scowled. That felt more like insecurity than conceit. Insecure was not a word he’d use to describe himself. He turned to say something to Danny, try to get something out of him. Danny was looking out the window.
Steve had nothing. He decided didn’t really want to poke the bear, choosing instead to turn on the radio … and began to smile immediately when he recognized the song playing. Steve couldn’t have planned the timing better if he’d tried. He guessed poking the bear was back on the table. This couldn’t be more perfect, and the inspiration came at the exact moment he’d needed it. He turned the volume higher, slapped the back of his hand against Danny’s bicep as the song’s hook kicked in. This, at least, would make Danny react. Interact with him. A sniping Danny beat a silent Danny, any day of the week.
“I need a hero,” Steve belted out along with the song, smiling wide all the while, “I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night. He’s gotta be…”
With a sudden jerky movement, Danny reached for the radio and clicked it off. He didn’t say a word. He continued to not say a word as the seconds ticked by.
If Steve had been put off by the quiet before, it was speaking volumes to him now. Sometimes he wondered where Danny’s sense of humor had gone. Steve would swear that a few years ago, the guy could take a joke. And, honestly, Max proclaiming Danny as a hero had come unexpectedly to everyone who’d been there, except maybe Jerry, who had looked pleased and oddly proud. Danny had smiled and joked about it then, so why not now?
“Aw, lighten up.” Steve laughed, tried to imbue some levity into the dead space. “You have to admit, that was funny.”
Danny said nothing. Steve faltered.
“Not even a little?”
Steve’s own good mood evaporated into the silent air. Fine, if Danny wanted to play sullen, he would do the same. Again, it wasn’t often he felt uncomfortable around Danny – despite their differences, somehow Danny always grounded him, completed in a way none of the others did, even when they were picking at each other’s last nerve – but for some reason his failed joke made him all the more on edge. There was something to it, he just couldn’t suss out what.
He was making himself nuts. He darted his attention to and from Danny for the remainder of the drive, though not once did Danny look back at him. This level of non-Dannyness was really eating at him, as was the fact he’d blown through the usual suspects topic list two days ago and had been grasping at straws since. He wasn’t making headway. He didn’t like it. It wasn’t his style to come up empty, especially when it came to his partner. He knew Danny better than he knew anyone.
Steve had to admit that at this point it was up to his unusually reticent partner to open up about whatever was bugging him. It didn’t seem too likely to happen, which was probably his own fault. He didn’t like being unable to cajole the reactions he wanted out of Danny, and he’d been giving that as good a shot as he’d ever done. Maybe, he had to admit, that was bothering him as much as Danny’s odd behavior. He might deny it in the broad light of day, but he was aware he had control issues. The more something didn’t bend to his will, the harder he tried to make it, and he was very often successful. This thing with Danny wasn’t going his way, leaving him off balance. That was what it was. Yep.
Except for the part where he truly hated when Danny was upset. It was a soft spot, a chink in his armor and had been since the day they’d met. Steve pulled the car up to Danny’s spot at the Palace and switched off the engine.
“Are we really not going to talk about this?” Steve said, making one last try for the moment. “It’s not like you and I admit it, okay? The silent treatment has got me bugged as hell.”
That got a sidelong glance in his direction. If he wasn’t mistaken, a flicker of a smile. The bastard.
“Seriously. If you would tell me what’s wrong, what’s going on in your head, then maybe I could help you sort through it. Weren’t you the one who once told me my problems were your problems? Same is true in reverse, pal.”
His partner still said nothing. Steve wanted to reach over and shake the words out of him, but instead huffed out an irritated breath. He had no idea why he let Danny get under his skin like this. He always had been able to rattle Steve’s well-constructed cage, like no one else.
Danny reached for the handle, but paused and turned to look fully at Steve instead of opening the door. He spoke quietly, “You know, I’ve spent the better part of four years believing Max hated my guts.”
Before Steve had a chance to reply or even begin to process what that might mean in context with Danny’s mood, Danny was out of the car. Steve sat there for a few moments watching the back of his partner as he headed into the building. He frowned, turning over the last thirty seconds in his head. This had all been about Max and his quirky nature. That didn’t make any sense to him. Ducking his head to watch Danny’s movements as he tried to figure out why Max’s proclamation had gotten Danny so out of whack, his brain tried to fit the puzzle pieces together. It was a good thing to be someone’s hero; trust Danny to find a positive and fret about it until it turned negative.
Steve shook his head and finally got out of the car, trailed after Danny just as his partner disappeared into the Palace. He thought he should at least feel some sort of satisfaction now that Danny had clued him in to what was on his mind, but if anything he was even more bothered. He was going to have to keep a closer eye on Danny. If something like this had flown right past his awareness, then chances were he was missing other things that were going on with one Detective Danny Williams.
He couldn’t have that.
Danny wasn’t exactly wrong when he complained about Steve co-opting every aspect of his life. Steve had no idea why, but he was driven by a need to insert himself into Danny’s every bubble, work, play or family. Okay, he might have some idea – he loved watching Danny react, even if it was to blow up at him. It was their thing, at least he always believed it was. Now, knowing that Danny had suffered under the wrong impression of Max’s regard, he had to know for sure that Danny got it. Got them the way Steve did himself.
“Oh, come on, Williams, you know it’s the truth,” Lou was saying with a jovial smile, as Steve entered the bullpen.
The expression on Danny’s face when he pivoted toward his office was familiar. Danny was smiling and waving Lou off, but now Steve saw something on his face beneath the good-natured agreement with whatever Lou had said. He’d only been behind Danny a minute, maybe two, and it was difficult to imagine what could have put that tenseness on Danny’s face. Steve might not have the context, but he could guess by the way the others were all giving each other amused glances that whatever had gone down had been at Danny’s expense. At least as far as Danny was concerned, and that was what mattered to Steve at the moment.
He narrowed his eyes, chewing the inside of his lip for a second. The thing was, in that brief glimpse of Danny’s face, he would swear he saw genuine hurt.
He really, really couldn’t have that.
~~*~~
The game plan was pretty simple. Deceptively so, as it turned out. All Steve had wanted to do was demonstrate to Danny in tacit ways how he felt about him, that he was valued, so there weren’t any misunderstandings. He couldn’t do anything about the others until he knew for himself exactly what was going on with his partner. He needed to test the theory with actions to belie the words coming out of his mouth, and immediate action at that. He’d taken no time to consider the plan could use some refinement. None of it was much different to how they’d used to be only a few years ago, after all – a frequent but casual touch here, an extended gaze there. It was a reboot, nothing more.
Except the longer Steve implemented the plan, the more he started getting a sense of that it really wasn’t so simple at all. And it had only taken an hour to come to that idea, not days. Not weeks. An hour. Not that it was completely bad. It wasn’t, no. Steve just started to realize a number of things somewhere around the time he told Danny he thought his theory about the case was dead wrong and followed it with a long pat on the shoulder to impart to Danny that it wasn’t personal and that he’d listened before going a different direction.
The first was that he apparently said a whole hell of a lot more things that seemed harsh or flat out dismissive now that he was focused on Danny’s reactions than he knew he had been doing. Stepping back and analyzing himself, he might have to admit that sometimes he was more of an asshole to Danny than to anyone else. Then Danny was an asshole back and without the nonverbal cues that they had used to employ it all kind of seemed less like banter and more like ugliness. It wasn’t a great thing to realize. If it was true that Danny was feeling the brunt of his words but not the intent behind them, even a fraction of the time, then Steve hadn’t been doing right by his partner for a while. The thought alone made his stomach clench. He knew he didn’t bear the full responsibility, he couldn’t control Danny’s reactions, but he could control his own. That was partly what the plan was about.
His own reactions, though. His reactions were what sparked his second realization. He had always considered Danny a strong person, but the more he touched, the more he agreed with Max that Danny was a bona fide hero. From day one, Danny had impressed him and he’d somehow forgotten it. And all of this touching and looking brought back a flood of memories and other emotions Steve hadn’t even consciously chosen to suppress. He was looking at it all through a newly polished lens, and he was a little upset to realize that he couldn’t say when he’d started shifting his reactions, keeping his hands to himself and his words sharp as a razor. The reason why came to him much more readily.
Studying Danny was dangerous, touching him a gateway drug.
Danny wasn’t … he didn’t, as far as Steve had always known, anyway. His new issue was those buried, previously unacknowledged feelings he had for his partner went beyond a firm appreciation for Danny’s skills as a cop into a more personal category and had switched on hard. Now he couldn’t tolerate the thought of hurting Danny just to protect himself. He was vaguely horrified now to take stock and find himself wanting. Some defense mechanisms were warranted; this one might have been at some earlier time in his life and career but not anymore. He didn’t have to self-impose the don’t ask, don’t tell. He also wasn’t sure he could stuff it all back in, even if he wanted to do that. And he didn’t, not now that his frontal lobe was fully on board. For all they’d been through and for all he’d walked them backwards, that wasn’t an option. He was going to have to deal.
That led him to the third thing, the biggest thing, and that was Danny. It hadn’t taken long after Steve had started deliberately changing his mannerisms that Danny’s taciturn trend of the past few days weakened. Though some of his returning glances were inscrutable, Danny fairly leeched onto Steve’s attention and relaxed into something more like his usual self. Maybe a little softer, something about his eyes shining familiar. He didn’t know what that meant, if it meant anything. Maybe it did. He was confused. This day, on the whole it had been a confusing mess.
“Earth to Steve,” Danny’s voice cut through his thoughts, and then his hand landed on Steve’s shoulder and squeezed. “Hello?”
Damn it, he’d gone so far down his mental rabbit hole that hadn’t even heard Danny come in. He blinked as Danny removed his hand and took a couple of steps back, arms crossing over his chest. By the look on his face, he’d been in Steve’s office for a while. Great, just what he needed. He wasn’t done processing yet and now his partner had to stand there looking like that. Danny chewed the inside of his lip, that same unreadable look on his face that Steve had seen aimed at him off and on all day.
Steve shrugged.
Danny narrowed his eyes and said, “This isn’t some sort of turnabout is fair play thing is it?”
“What?” Steve said.
“You know, after you were harping on me for going quiet this morning…?” Danny waved his hands to catch Steve up. “Which I feel I should say I’m sorry about. I’ve had a lot of things rattling around in my head lately. I wasn’t actually trying to shut you out.”
“Oh.” Steve scratched at his jaw with his thumb. If only Danny didn’t look so damnably fond all of a sudden. “No. Uh. And good.”
“Eloquent.” Danny stepped closer, perched on the edge of Steve’s desk. “Everyone else cleared out a while ago. You ready to get out of here?”
“Yeah, sure,” Steve said.
He checked the time, surprised to see it was close to midnight. Shit. He had no idea how it had gotten so late. It wasn’t until they were in the car (Danny’s) heading home (Steve’s) that Steve’s brain fired a couple of neurons. He wasn’t sure if he should say something right away or wait. There wasn’t much that he could do and, well, having Danny at his place had never been bad despite what he might have said. He slid a few looks at Danny, who had his attention firmly on the road ahead, his expression a lot like it had been since Max’s party again. Steve frowned. That didn’t bode well.
Traffic was light at this hour, so they made good time. Steve wasn’t sure if he should be glad at how quickly they made it to his house, a strange pit in his stomach. Some of Danny’s neuroses must have rubbed off on him after all these years, because he started connecting the dots between his reintroduction of the more touchy-feely side of their relationship and Danny’s reintroduction of reticence. His partner had something on his mind; what if he was interpreting Steve’s actions of the day in a bad way?
“Hey, we’re here,” Danny said. From outside the car, where he was leaning on the opened passenger door giving Steve that same inscrutable look.
“Yeah, okay,” Steve said and followed Danny to his front door like an obedient puppy.
There was something wrong with him. He felt like he was in a fog, but Danny didn’t seem upset and he was talking to him again. That had to be good. Steve was overthinking this. Oh shit, Danny wasn’t rubbing off on him – he was becoming Danny. Which, of course, he didn’t really think was a bad thing. Not completely.
“Seriously, babe, I gotta say I don’t like the aneurism face,” Danny murmured the second they crossed the threshold. “I preferred when it was all hands on my deck.”
Steve whipped his attention to Danny’s face, had half a second before the other man shut the door behind them and somehow managed to get him pressed up against it, all up in his personal space. Oh. Oh, okay, yeah. Yes.
“Yeah?” Steve said, hoping he’d remember later to give Danny crap for that line.
“Years, McGarrett. Years.” Danny huffed out an impatient breath. “Was it all sublimation?”
His brain was just starting to catch up, then it all went south right along with Danny’s hands – one on his hip, the other pressing against his crotch. He widened his stance, shifting so they were closer to the same height. Danny was so close Steve could feel the warm breath on his neck.
“Apparently,” he choked out. “Are you o…?”
Danny swallowed the rest of that question as his answer, his kiss ferocious, almost angry. Years, Steve thought. He hadn’t ever given himself permission to fantasize, one of his many missteps, but somehow he was surprised by and intensely turned on by the command Danny had over this situation. This situation that had him rapidly losing his clothes and being shoved toward the stairs. When it came to sex, he was used to being in charge, but he felt heady, slightly dizzy with how Danny was asserting some dominance.
The pit that had been in his stomach turned into something more like … butterflies … when Danny shoved him back. Steve found himself laughing softly as he landed on the mattress, his bedframe creaking. It was so cliché, it made him laugh more, though the laughter faded the second Danny straddled him, his hands trailing across the landscape of Steve’s body. The last time he’d been with a guy, any time he’d been with a guy, it had always been a quick tug and pull, about release more than anything. This felt different. This was different. This was Danny.
With a surge, Steve used his size to grab Danny and then roll them so he was on top. Part of him still wasn’t sure if this was actually happening, the haze in his brain now fueled by lust and want and need. Before he could so much as lean down to kiss Danny, the same move he just executed was being pulled on him and he stared up at Danny’s grinning face. His hair was in disarray already, tousled and comfortable. He smiled at the sight, the stiff façade Danny always put up gone.
“All day, you had your hands on me,” Danny said. “My turn.”
Steve couldn’t object to that. He was already harder than he’d been in a long time, a half-formed thought of girlfriends with benefits dissipating as Danny licked and bit his way across his throat, up to his mouth. He had a vague sense of being eaten alive, and he was happy to let it happen. They wrestled a bit, hands everywhere they could reach – a little clumsy and a lot perfect. Danny knew where to touch, how much strength to use as he stroked Steve without hesitation, only determination.
“Want you.”
Danny slid backwards, shimmying a little until he was between Steve’s legs. He nudged the left leg up, reaching down to fondle his balls while he took Steve’s dick in his mouth. After a few lazy swirls of his tongue, he pulled off. Steve let out a whimper, then slapped a hand over his mouth while Danny grinned in delight.
“You got any stuff?” Danny asked, sounding breathless and anxious in a good way.
Steve paused, but also writhed into Danny’s touch. He’d never, there’d never been full-on fucking, but he lifted his head and peered at Danny’s cock. His want was sudden and intense. He fumbled at the bedside table, found the lube he always had on hand, condoms from when he’d been with Lynn. He’d probably be embarrassed later at the way he tossed them at Danny and spread his legs, too turned on to care right this second.
“Sweet.”
“Shut up,” Steve said, “and fuck me.”
They moved like they’d been doing this for years, in turn slow and sweet, then rough and nasty. The sensations rolling through Steve went from odd to amazing, and he discovered he was okay giving up control for this. Danny tore him into virtual pieces and made him whole at the same time, the way only he could. Steve urged him on, demanded the pace be brutal, unrelenting. Somewhere in the back of his sex-addled mind he knew he’d never be the same and he didn’t want to be. He rode the feeling of Danny inside him deep and hard, fraying at the edges until his orgasm hit as if from nowhere.
Steve vaguely felt Danny’s thrusts change from rhythmic to frantic, heard Danny shout his completion as he passed out.
Present
“Good morning,” Danny said, slightly breathless when Steve finally pulled from the kiss.
“Yes, it is,” Steve said, still smiling, felt like he’d never stop.
“So, we did this.” Danny shifted against him, notching his right leg up a little.
“Yes, we did.”
“We’re gonna keep doing this.”
“Oh, yeah,” Steve said, running a hand down Danny’s shoulder. “No going back now.”
“That’s good,” Danny said as he moved swiftly to push Steve onto his back and straddle him. Déjà vu. “Because I have plans.”
“Am I going to like these plans?”
“Oh, most definitely.”
Danny’s smile was almost predatory, and so, so hot. Steve nearly handed himself over to Danny for a repeat of last night, but no. No, no, no. Danny had more of the control than Steve was accustomed to allowing. He grabbed Danny’s hips and thrust up into Danny’s cock, before tumbling Danny off onto his back.
“All night, you had your hands on me,” Steve said. “My turn.”
“Touché,” Danny laughed, sounding so light and free Steve fell for him all over again.
Steve wondered if this was how it would always be. God, he hoped so. He had every intention of spending the rest of his life hero worshiping Danny from head to toe and, never one to waste time once he put his head on straight, got right down to business.