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  1. Public Bookmark 47

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    Ilya has heard people say that suicide is a selfish act. He's heard people say it about his mother, and it used to make him furious. He’d punched Alexei for it, once, broken his nose when he said, why are you still moping over that selfish bitch, she left us without a thought, even though he knew it was his brother’s grief speaking and not his heart.

    That word, selfish, made him so furious, maybe, because some small part of him believed it. Some part of himself, a part of him that he was too ashamed of to acknowledge, let alone to name, believed that his mother should have been braver. Should have been stronger. Should have fought harder to stay with him, to keep taking care of him. Would have, if she’d loved Ilya as much as she claimed to.

    He knows now, now that he has Shane, that it isn’t true. He knows it is possible to love someone entirely, completely, with the purest and truest love, and for life to still be unbearable.

    ***

    Another look at Ilya's depression in The Long Game.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,280
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    80
    Kudos:
    292
    Bookmarks:
    47
    Hits:
    2,623

    19 Jun 2026

  2. Public Bookmark 13

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    Because it's good news, right? That no one has told him that Ilya is— There probably would have been headlines. Or a press release. A photo of him in his jersey, smiling, two dates only twenty-eight years apart, a few lines about his career, and no listed survivors. Supportive tweets from a bunch of people in the league. Shane's team would put out a press release about the foundation and probably get a flood of donations. There would be something, if he were—

    But there's nothing. There's just this void. Nothing, nothing, no sign of him. It's like Ilya has disappeared off the face of the earth.

    ***

    Shane's point of view on the events of lonely i came, and i depart alone

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    8,373
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    142
    Bookmarks:
    13
    Hits:
    807

    19 Jun 2026

  3. Public Bookmark *

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    “Ilya,” Hollander breathes, which—Ilya isn’t sure Hollander has ever called him by his first name. Surely he has sometime in seven years of acquaintance? But the sound of it is novel, unfamiliar. 

    And far from unpleasant. 

    Then Hollander says, “Baby,” and Ilya knows for certain that he’s never called Ilya that, because it takes the air right out of Ilya’s lungs and makes his guts twist and fuck, he would have remembered if Hollander had ever called him that. Especially in that reverent tone. 

    It’s nice. 

    Ilya doesn't remember being married to Shane Hollander. Probably, he should tell someone.

    He decides not to.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    20,658
    Chapters:
    4/4
    Comments:
    436
    Kudos:
    4,263
    Bookmarks:
    804
    Hits:
    34,022

    16 Jun 2026

  4. Public Bookmark *

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    Shane makes some changes to protect his privacy. People notice.
    *5+1 of Shane establishing his boundaries. AU where Shane and Ilya were never caught at the cottage.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,875
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    621
    Kudos:
    8,521
    Bookmarks:
    1,384
    Hits:
    35,213

    04 Jun 2026

  5. Public Bookmark 37

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    To most of the world, Shane Hollander is the wholesome captain of the Montreal Metros. In the midst of the MLH's latest scandals, he's considered a role model.

    With Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander is anything but wholesome.

    And he likes it.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,072
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    303
    Bookmarks:
    37
    Hits:
    1,734

    31 May 2026