Catamel
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Summary
It’s 2008 and Draco Malfoy is a secret assassin. It's legitimate - he gets paid for it, and some higher ups in the Ministry (probably?) know he’s out there… killing people. He’s quite good, but that tracks with his dubious accounting of rights and wrongs and his penchant for self-preservation. During his downtime he does a great job of acting like a pureblood in penance... mostly by drinking and shagging his way into oblivion.
This double life helps to numb Draco to the constant feelings of shame and guilt from his formative years in which he was an utter cunt- but everything is upended when his team (assassins can have coworkers, alright?) dies in action and he does not. Suspended and forced to go to therapy, Draco is adrift.
When Hermione Granger re-enters the fray, their hateful relationship that was once fraught with swotty bickering (erm, and the occasional slur) is suddenly tense in a very different way.
How will these two come together? How often will Theo say something terribly charming? Do we hate Ron or is Ron just, meh? Oh, and what’s going on with that one murderous witch who’s out to kill them all (forgot to mention that part…)?
Find out all this and more in: A HARD ROW TO HOE!
Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 250,248
- Chapters:
- 30/30
- Collections:
- 10
- Comments:
- 2,885
- Kudos:
- 7,088
- Bookmarks:
- 4,182
- Hits:
- 496,476
Bookmarked by Catamel
08 Jun 2026
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Summary
I settle on the floor next to Drake, head on his shoulder.
“I can practically hear you thinking, love,” he murmurs the words into my hair.
“She would be safer without me,” I hate that my voice cracks at the admission.
He sighs, “I am not sure she will be safe regardless Theo, you know her, she won’t stand for the injustices of the Dark Lord’s regime. If we all survive this, it will be a miracle. Don’t be one more person in her life that promised to love her but didn’t do the job properly.”
OR
Theo, Hermione and Draco have found each other at last but can their relationship survive a war?
Series
- Part 2 of Not Friends Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 53,643
- Chapters:
- 26/26
- Comments:
- 294
- Kudos:
- 647
- Bookmarks:
- 164
- Hits:
- 18,709
Bookmarked by Catamel
06 Jun 2026
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Summary
Truthfully Granger, you were right before. Us talking, it could be trouble..for, for both of us and I don't want...”
She nods. She smiles but it's not right. It's not the smile I want. It looks resigned. It looks wrong.
“Sure Theo. I get it, I will see you around.” She steps back and I can't let it end there so I say one more thing. One more stupid thing. One more thing that I can't bring myself to regret.
“Hey Granger, I would really like it if we could be…not friends.” I hope she understands what I am asking. I hope I don't look as desperate as I feel.
Her soft, secret, smile makes it all worth it. Her eyes, they are full of that mischief that only the people who truly know her would recognize.
“Yeah Theo, I would like that. Not friends.”
POV- First person for Theo, third for everyone else.
This story follows Theodore from 4th year- the end of the war. It will be HEA. If you love soft boy Cinnamon roll Theo turned badass “touch her and die” Theo, pining, protective Draco, and bamf Hermione, you will enjoy this fic. Slow burn.
Series
- Part 1 of Not Friends Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 45,184
- Chapters:
- 24/24
- Collections:
- 3
- Comments:
- 391
- Kudos:
- 997
- Bookmarks:
- 478
- Hits:
- 43,686
Bookmarked by Catamel
06 Jun 2026
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Summary
When Hermione Granger is asked to transfer temporarily into the Magical Games and Sports Department to lend her name to re-elected Kingsley’s platform promises, she expects little more than bureaucracy and bruised egos. But when she investigates the next team on the list, she finds herself tangled in much more than quidditch politics. Especially when two familiar Slytherins start getting under her skin.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 183,875
- Chapters:
- 58/58
- Comments:
- 1,290
- Kudos:
- 1,874
- Bookmarks:
- 835
- Hits:
- 110,365
Bookmarked by Catamel
03 Jun 2026
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Summary
Dumbledore has decided to comply with Lilys and James will. Harrys new guardian is Severus Snape. He helps Harry deal with the nightmares that follow after the encounter with Quirrell and Voldemort. Harry experiences a little regression and Snape helps him handle everything.
Bookmarked by Catamel
01 Jun 2026