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Kai loves Arthur.
He does.
But Arthur keeps him on such a short rein, while giving mostly stick, with very little carrot in return, that sometimes he can’t help but chafe against it.
What grudging moments of relief Arthur allows – some few and far-between stolen intimacies – fleet past so soon, followed by such swift and shame-faced pulling-on of boots and breeches, that it makes Kai feel like telling the whole world, just to see what Arthur would do.
Either that, or crawling into a hole in the ground.
Kai yearns to make love to someone who feels no shame; to someone who can love him with abandon, and not always try to keep their dignity, at his expense.
When first he met her, Goda gave him her whole heart, and swept his up along with it. But that brief interlude, amidst a long campaign, ended too soon. He had to leave her, and move on to the next battle. When it was over, and the many wounded – Arthur among them – were brought safely home, Kai looked for her, but Goda had moved on.
Finding her again so unexpectedly, he thought he might slip Arthur’s leash – if only for a while; regain some self respect, with someone who could love him without hiding it. At the very least he could work off some tension, and at best, Arthur might see what he had lost – beg his forgiveness.
And after Goda’s righteous anger cooled, she seemed so willing; came to him barefoot, leaving her betrothed to ride before him, back to their village.
Kai felt a savage curl of satisfaction in his belly, to see Arthur so discomfited; though when his leader needed help to get down from his horse, Kai wondered, for a moment, what he’d done.
Too keen to trumpet his and Goda’s union, and their love, he couldn’t see the truth.
Yes, Goda always loved with her whole heart. And when he found her hut empty, her belongings gone, he realised that now, her whole heart and her loyalty belonged to that worm, Morcant.
With the whole village in danger – Arthur in danger – he couldn’t let the hollow feeling in his stomach send him to his knees.
~~
Arthur says no word of reproach – he doesn’t need to. Kai’s already green around the gills; a single word might shatter him. So Arthur just gives silent thanks Kai had the sense, and guts, to tell him. That he didn’t run. Under the circumstances, most men would.
But they have time; they stop the raiders in their tracks, and Arthur lets Kai finish Morcant. It must be Kai; he needs to tidy up the mess he’s made.
But that still leaves unfinished business.
“I’ll have words with Athel,” he tells Kai. “You deal with the other matter.”
~~
Kai runs his thumb along his axe’s edge, then shakes his head. He takes a whetstone, and an oily rag, sits with the axe between his knees, and starts to work.
Because of him, the men of Athel’s village now know their defences. But still, those men are Celts. With Morcant – who was not well-loved – the only man they lost, they have no reason to make use of what they know.
But Goda smiled as she betrayed him; would have let Morcant slaughter Arthur’s people in their beds. Perhaps she bore a grudge against Arthur, too, for taking him from her, all those years ago. Now Kai has killed the man she really loved, the venom in her heart might send her to the Saxons, Picts – any of their many enemies – to give away their secret.
Kai tests his blade, and finds it good. He knows what he must do.
Something he has never done before.
…
He could take her first; vent his frustration and his pain – feel her struggle and writhe beneath him …
The thought turns his stomach.
Yes, he likes a woman with some fight in her – he likes to win her round. He and Goda are way past that.
Feeling like hot iron, tortured between hammer and anvil, Kai rides for Athel’s village. He barely sees the villager who points a trembling finger towards Goda’s hut. He sets his jaw, and slips inside.
His heart breaks to see her, thumb in her mouth, careless in sleep.
Blinking back hot tears, he lets his new-honed axe caress her chin.
She wakes, looks up – blanches to see death standing over her – but Goda’s good at this. She schools her features. “Kai. My love! I feared you dead!”
Kai grits his teeth; drags air into his lungs, like a drowning man, surfacing, and hefts his axe. “You hoped –”
Her cheeks flush, panic taking hold. “No! Morcant made me –”
“Liar!”
He only knows that he has split her open by the sound, and the wet splatter on his face. He drops to the ground. His knees hit something soft: her body. Eyes still closed, he stumbles from the hut, and kneels outside, his head bowed to the earth.
It seems like eternity till he stops shaking, and can mount his horse.
~~
His horse falls into step with Kai’s. Saying nothing, Arthur looks across.
Kai breaks the silence. “And what of Athel?”
“Athel knew nothing of the attack. And what of your traitor?”
Grimly, Kai says, “She got what she deserved.”
Arthur doesn’t see the blood on Kai’s right cheek until they reach the village.
When he does, he stares at it. “That hellcat injured you?”
“No.” Kai swallows. “The blood is hers, not mine.”
The truth hits Arthur like a charging horse. Softly, he says, “You … killed her – the woman you … you loved. Killed her, in cold blood.”
“Well … yes … of course I killed her. But my blood was far from cold.” Kai’s face goes white. Sweat breaks out on his brow. “Arthur – you said I was to deal with it. What else could I have done? Did you not mean …?”
Kai’s right. Arthur says, “deal with it”, and Kai – the perfect lieutenant – doesn’t need specifics. What it takes, he does. Arthur hadn’t considered what he’d asked of Kai, this time.
“What else was I to do?” Kai’s eyes widen, panic taking hold. “Arthur, a woman like Goda – with such hatred in her heart – is a most dangerous enemy. My foolishness nearly got you and all our people killed. I had to –”
“It is not foolishness to love.” Arthur feels an ache deep in his chest. “I am the fool. I’ve been too hard on you. If I’d not driven you to this …”
Kai gives no answer.
So now, today, while all around them, villagers tending their horses, prepare meals, and go about their business, Arthur puts an arm around Kai’s shoulders; draws him close. “You deserve better. Come.”
Kai tilts his head. His look of puzzlement gives way to one of hope. He leans on Arthur a little, as Arthur guides him towards their hut.
~~
Once in the sleeping area, Arthur heaves a table up on end, and blocks the door.
He goes to the pail, dampens a cloth, and wipes the blood smear from Kai’s cheek. Then he takes Kai’s face between his hands, and draws it down to meet his own.
“Kai, I’m so sorry.” He kisses Kai on the mouth.
Kai lets him, but does not respond; heart shrinking, Arthur pulls away.
Kai frowns, and says, “Have I done wrong or right?”
“You have followed your heart. Something I must learn to do more readily.”
Arthur tries to lead Kai towards the bed, but Kai resists. He looks at their linked fingers as at some strange artefact he’s never seen before.
It’s not far from the truth.
Arthur squeezes Kai’s hand. “I want to learn. But I need you to teach me how.”
Kai makes a choking sound, and sits down on the bed. His hands shake, as if the room were freezing cold.
Arthur fetches a mug of mead, and puts it in Kai’s hand; steadies it as Kai drinks it down.
But Kai can’t stop trembling. Arthur throws more wood upon the fire, and stirs it with a branch. The new wood sparks and crackles.
Looking into the flames, he asks again, “Will you teach me?”
After a moment, Kai says, “If you permit me – I will try.”
Arthur kneels on the floor in front of him. “I’m ready.”
~~
How many years has Kai waited – longed – for this?
He sighs, shakes his head, and cards his fingers through the dark silk of Arthur’s hair. “I will. But Arthur, I have blood on my hands tonight, and I’m bone weary. Will you ear with me a while … just till tomorrow?”
Without waiting for an answer, Kai lies down on his side, facing the wall.
He feels Arthur lie down behind him; feels Arthur’s arms wrap around him, and pull him close.
“Tomorrow,” Arthur says. “Tomorrow, we begin again.”
~~
Well, Arthur said he deserved better.
When first light creeps into the hut, Kai wakes to find his cock in Arthur’s mouth. He doesn’t know if it’s what he deserves, but he’ll take whatever Arthur wants to give him.
~~
No day before has ever been like this.
Something that has been winding Arthur up so tight inside – blighting their happiness all these long, hard years – has snapped. Today, instead of quickly cleaning up, and rushing out, Arthur crawls up the bed to lie beside him, smiling.
Arthur has a brilliant smile, but Kai so seldom sees it that, at first, he has to look away. He wants to pinch himself, to see whether he dreams or wakes. He isn’t used to this. He blinks back tears: regret for wasted time gone by, and hope for things to come.
And when, instead of turning his face away in shame while Kai brings him off, Arthur presses willingly into his waiting hand, and looks into his eyes, Kai feels like laughing, and crying, and rushing out to tell the whole camp.
But he restrains himself. He needs no more than this.
The day passes in a haze. Arthur shows his face outside the longhouse now and then, but for only appearances. Kai stays inside, basking in Arthur’s love.
~~
Despite his euphoria, Kai hasn’t forgotten the consequences of his unfortunate liaison, so, the next day, he gets up at first light, catches and kills two rabbits, and takes them to the hut belonging to the sentry, killed by Morcant’s men. Ewan’s two young boys sit in the dirt outside, disconsolate, and Kai hasn’t the heart to ruffle their hair. The man’s wife barely seems to hear him promising to keep her children fed, till they are grown.
And as Kai, stone-faced, trudges back, he feels the eyes of every Celt upon him: a few, pitying; some, angry; all, full of contempt. Arthur, waiting for him in the doorway, stands aside to let him enter, then follows him in.
Kai sits, picks up a knife, and throws it at the board; gets up, retrieves it, throws again.
“What would they have me do? Crawl on my knees, in penance, through the dirt? Have myself crucified?”
“What they want is nothing to me,” Arthur says, calmly. “What I want is this. You are to visit Garet and Gawain. See how they’re getting on. Assess their defences. Make any recommendations you see fit, on my authority. You know our methods.”
Kai leans forward on his knees, to hide his face from Arthur. “You’re sending me away?” He heaves a sigh. “So soon? How long must I remain with those two clowns?”
Arthur tilts his head towards the door. “Just give them time enough to miss you.”
Kai takes a breath, then says, “How long will it be, before you do?”
Arthur drops to one knee before him, on the rush floor, and takes his hand. “From when you leave this hut? The beating of a dragonfly’s wing.”
~~
As Kai urges his horse across the causeway, Arthur feels his blood boil, to hear the gathered villagers send him on his way with jeers, ironic applause and catcalls. He slams open the longhouse door, and casts a jaundiced eye over his fellow citizens.
They turn to look at him with hostile eyes. Conyn spits on the ground, wipes the back of his hand across his mouth, and tells the world in general, and Arthur in particular, “Good riddance I say!”
“Ay.” Mabon sends a restive glance in Arthur’s direction. “Been nothing but trouble since he got here – Saxon scum.”
“Do you say so?” Arthur demands, his voice full of metal. He steps forward and grabs Mabon by his shirt. “What about the time he helped drive the Picts from your door, while you hid, quivering like a maiden, in your hut? Was he trouble then? And you –”
He thrusts Mabon away, draws his sword, and points it at Conyn. “Did you say, ‘Good riddance’ when he dragged your children from your burning hut, while you were lying by the river, drunk?”
Arthur sweeps his sword, taking in all those gathered round.
“If there’s a man among you, doesn’t owe his life to Kai, two or three times over, let him step up and say, ‘good riddance.’ And still, Kai will return in good time.” He looks pointedly at the few disgruntled faces that remain. “As I have asked him to.”
He turns his back on them, but still, he hears some mutterings about ‘bringing strangers in’, and so he faces them again. “And any man who’s never been a fool for love, I pity him. For he is no man. He is but a shadow.”
As the villagers drop their gazes, and go about their business, Arthur adds quietly, to himself, “As I almost became.”
~~
Without the big Saxon to liven things up, an unnatural quiet falls upon the camp. Arthur senses a grumbling resentment with no outlet; feels a gulf opening between him and his men.
By custom, any man who doesn’t understand Arthur’s decisions, or has a grievance, first asks Kai about putting their problem before Arthur; sounds Kai out for reassurance that their leader hasn’t lost his mind this time.
Losing this vital link leaves Arthur feeling isolated.
He misses Kai. He worries that Kai will find some woman, and decide to stay with her this time. It will be no less than Arthur feels he deserves.
After just two days, he starts snapping at everyone for the smallest reason. By the fourth day, he has bitten his nails down to the quick; he’s ready to reward anyone who asks what ails him, with a Mark-of-Cornwall-style kick up the backside.
Kai could have been waylaid; might, even now, lie bleeding in a ditch.
When seven days have passed, and Kai has not returned, Arthur tells Llud he’s setting out on the route north, to meet Kai on the road.
Llud twitches an eyebrow. “I suppose you, too, are going to leave me with some little jobs and obligations to fulfil in your absence.”
“What?”
Llud tells him of Kai’s promise to the widow.
Arthur blinks. “That’s … well, just keep an eye on things. I hope not to be gone more than a day.”
He slaps Llud on his good arm, mounts up, and – with dread curdling in the pit of his stomach – sets out.
If anything has happened to Kai, now, he’ll never forgive himself for what has past.
~~
As Kai crests the brow of the hill, and sees Arthur, across the valley, on his white horse, his heart leaps with joy. An ironic laugh spills from his lips; he’s a romantic fool!
Arthur must have seen him, yet he seems content to wait. Why doesn’t he come to greet him?
Kai urges his horse on down the tricky slope, as fast as she safely can go, and up the other side, to come abreast with Arthur. “Something wrong?”
A slight smile twitches the corner of Arthur’s mouth. “I told you to give them enough time to miss you. I didn’t say, ‘stay away so long, they forget your name.’”
As so often, Arthur’s greeting lands like a bruising blow on an unguarded flank. Kai’s heart sinks. Perhaps things are going back to how they were before.
Kai keeps his voice non-committal. “I don’t expect any Celt in the village to miss me, however long I’m gone.”
“And yet they did.” Arthur smiles slightly. “Since you left, the camp has been quite out of sorts.”
“And you?” Kai swallows. “Did you miss me?”
Kai tries to steel himself for it, but it’s no use.
It seems like forever that Arthur lets his gaze kiss the far horizon, then finally, he turns to Kai, and says, “As the stream rising in the mountains misses the sea, and travels its whole life to find it. As the mountain misses the sky, and strives all its life to touch it.”
Is Arthur mocking him?
Kai scans his face, but then his heart expands at what he sees. Their gazes lock, their souls exposed. He wants to lean across and kiss Arthur – but neither of them is ready for that, yet, so Kai says simply, “Good enough.”
Arthur punches him on the arm. “Come on – let’s kill us a boar. Celebrate your return.”
~~
They roast the boar, and everyone in the village feasts, and drinks their fill.
Kai has chosen to sit at the far end of the long table. He laughs and jokes among the rest – all complaints forgotten, or forgiven.
Every now and then, he glances Arthur’s way, setting his heart ablaze. His mouth feels dry. He wants Kai more than he ever has before.
Every time Kai even glances at a woman, and more especially when, as is his habit, he slaps a passing wench upon the rear, Arthur feels like scrambling across the table, taking him by the wrist, and dragging him away.
He wishes everyone would disappear, but Kai seems in no hurry to retire.
He sees Kai watching him – a glint of amusement on Kai’s face.
Kai rips the last piece of meat from a rib, throws the bone over his shoulder, then bites into a pear so ripe, the juices dribble down his chin.
Arthur wants to lick his way up that trail of juice, and take Kai’s mouth. He wants to get Kai into bed, or up against a wall, or even on the ground, and taste every part of him.
Finally, he can’t take it any more. He bangs his mug on the table, and shouts, “Enough! The night is old. Off to bed with you all, or else to your duties.”
The men glance at Kai, in hopes that he will intercede; persuade Arthur to let them tarry a little longer.
Not tonight.
Grousing good-naturedly, they straggle out.
Llud has already taken himself off elsewhere to get some sleep, as Arthur rather hoped he would; they have the Longhouse to themselves.
Now everyone has gone, Kai – who, all evening, has been taking up more room than he needs to – seems less self-assured. His hopeful, hungry look quickens Arthur’s blood.
He offers Kai a hand. “Come –”
Kai takes it.
Arthur pulls him to his feet, and leads him to the sleeping area. Once inside, he slams the door behind them; presses Kai up against it, hot and hard for him.
“I missed you.” He lets a note of accusation trickle into his voice. “Never again stay away so long.”
He feels a shudder run through Kai.
Eyes wide and deep, Kai tilts his head, and blinks slowly, waiting.
Arthur grips Kai by the nape, pulling him down for a kiss; Kai groans, presses against him, and starts fumbling with Arthur’s clothes.
Arthur releases him for long enough to strip off his own tunic, then gets to work on Kai’s. Kai makes an unmanly whimpering sound, and only then does Arthur realise, with shame, that – till tonight – he’s never done Kai the kindness of undressing him.
So he takes care; does it with a kind of reverence.
When both are naked to the waist, they stand apart, drinking each other in.
Kai’s eyes shine in the firelight; his chest heaves, then they crash together, wrapping around, as if to climb, one inside the other, mouths mashed together, hands everywhere.
Arthur backs towards the bed, scrambling out of his breeches, Kai follows his lead, and Arthur drags Kai down on top of him.
~~
By unspoken accord, both men hold still, and calm their thundering hearts.
Kai brushes fine dark strands off Arthur’s face, and kisses him slowly, rolling his hips, so that their lengths nudge, and slide against each other. Then Arthur spreads himself, and lets Kai lie between his legs.
Kai thinks his heart might burst.
They’ve never gone this far, and if they ever did, Kai had felt certain he would be the one laid out upon his back, for Arthur’s use. Now, as Arthur offers himself, Kai closes his eyes, trying not to come just at the thought; trying to get control.
Once composed, he braces himself on his forearms, leans down and kisses Arthur again, in love and gratitude.
Arthur’s lips soften, yielding to him. Then Arthur reaches under the bed, and passes him a bowl of grease. It was there, ready. Arthur put it there, for this …
So amazed, he can’t help laughing, Kai coats his fingers, and slides them between Arthur’s thighs., but, trying to find the place, his fingernail catches the tender skin of Arthur’s balls, and Arthur winces.
Kai curses his incompetence. A lump comes into his throat; he waits to be called a big Saxon oaf.
“Shhh. It’s alright.” Arthur caresses Kai’s cheekbone with his thumb. “Take your time. We have all night. We have the rest of our lives.”
Hope rises in Kai’s chest. He gets to his knees, and tries again, this time more slowly, stroking the furrow behind Arthur’s sac, and Arthur gives a little moan of pleasure. Kai feels a tightening; tries to hold back, but when Arthur hitches a leg over his arm, opening himself up to him completely, it does something to Kai’s insides; he starts to come, can’t help himself.
He lets out a groan. He dares not look at Arthur’s face. Then, wonder of wonders, he feels Arthur’s hand upon him, helping him along. Then he does look, and finds no anger there; no amusement or contempt; only something that looks a lot like love.
When he has finally spilled everything on Arthur’s belly, Kai laughs, embarrassed and relieved. “How can I help myself, when I see what lies beneath me?”
Arthur smiles. “I took it as the compliment it was.”
Kai flops down beside Arthur, and runs a fingertip along Arthur’s lips.
Arthur moans softly.
Kai collects some of his spill, and slides a hand around Arthur’s balls, still tight and ripe. He squeezes gently; Arthur hisses in a breath. Then Kai slides a greased finger between Arthur’s thighs again, and, this time, finds the place.
Kai breaches him, and Arthur’s eyes fall closed. Sweat breaks out upon his brow; he arches off the bed, gasps, and spreads himself wider. “Yes.”
Kai sees the tip of Arthur’s cock glisten, dips his head, and takes him in his mouth, and Arthur comes with an astonished cry. Kai swallows everything, and Arthur sags back, flushed and panting.
Kai crawls up to lie on top of him, and look down on him.
He wants to tell Arthur he loves him. He knows he doesn’t need to – he knows the words are shining in his eyes. But still he says, “I love you, Arthur.”
Arthur closes his eyes.
He’s said those words before, three times, with never a reply, but still, despite himself, Kai finds his disappointment harder to bear. His voice hoarse, he tells Arthur, “You don’t have to say anything. Some things, a leader owes to no man.”
Arthur bites his lip. “But I do,” he says. “I do … I love you, Kai.”
Un-manned, Kai turns his head away. If he could stay frozen in this moment, with Arthur’s fingers carding through his hair; with the certainty of Arthur’s love in his poor heart, he would give up anything the future might ever hold.
“I’m sorry I made you wait so long to hear me tell you so.”
Kai shakes his head. He can’t find any words.
“May I explain myself to you?”
Kai nods. Still, he hides his face, but Arthur shifts, until they’re lying side by side, and Kai can no longer look away from Arthur’s serious dark eyes.
“Some time before my father died, he packed me off to Glevum, to train in different weapons, with the Romans. But the short sword wasn’t the only thing they taught me.”
Shocked, Kai sees Arthur’s lip begin to tremble; it hurts Arthur to speak of this.
“I was lonely. I made friends with one of the Roman boys, there for the same reason. We became close. Not like you and I, but …”
Tears well in Arthur’s eyes, as he continues – “We were caught …”
“Doing what?” Kai says quietly.
“It was nothing. Youthful exploration. In three weeks, we’d barely touched. Until that time we did.” He swallows, hard. “And Rufus, the instructor – he found us together. Called us degenerates, said we were as bad as the Greeks. He beat us, in front of the whole class, he beat us, my friend Atticus worse than me, because – being the son of a Roman – more was expected of him.”
Kai takes Arthur’s hand, and holds it. It seems to help.
“Then Rufus threatened to tell my father.”
“What would he have done?”
Arthur puffs out a breath. “Probably nothing – he might even have been pleased. But I didn’t know that at the time. I was afraid I had disgraced him – that I had disgraced us, as Celts. And all these years, I have been punishing you, for what Rufus did to my friend. The Romans taught me to hate my own desires, because they caused hurt to one I cared about. But I now realise that I have caused you great hurt, Kai, by trying to deny them.”
“I would have been the same.”
Arthur shakes his head. “I have been too timid – too worried about the opinions of others. You would have been angry. You would have stayed true to yourself, whatever anyone said or did to you.”
“Perhaps.” Kai strokes Arthur’s flank. He stares at their linked hands. “All this time, I thought I was not good enough for you. Thank you for telling me of this past sorrow.”
“I should thank you, for having patience with me for so long.”
Arthur kisses him tenderly on the mouth. He reaches for the grease, and works Kai’s length until he’s hard again; it doesn’t take long.
Kai lies atop him, and looks down on Arthur; his desire knows no bounds. He is trembling so hard that Arthur has to guide him in – first his fingers, and then his cock.
And now they are locked together. It feels tight, but he can still move. He rocks his hips.
Arthur’s cock presses against Kai’s belly, and Kai feels a surge of triumph at the look of blissful surrender on Arthur’s face.
“There,” he says: his voice rough with emotion. “No one can hurt you now. Kai will take care of you.”
He keeps his movements slow and rhythmic, like a boat cresting each wave of the incoming tide, and Arthur closes his eyes, and lets Kai take him to the shore.
~~
Fin