Work Text:
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: DONDE ESTAS
April. Girl. Where are you? I haven’t seen you at school for almost a week now; you haven’t replied to any of my texts or Swype messages—I’m using email to get a hold of you. Email. What is this, 2005?
Me and the others are worried sick. Your aunt doesn’t even know where you are; I know you two aren’t that close or anything, and I’m the last person that would tell you to get all buddy-buddy with her, but she’s your guardian—at least give her a hint. Or give me a hint. Actually, just skip the whole hint thing and tell me where the heck you are. I can and will tear this state apart looking for you. You’ll be that girl whose face is on the milk carton. And I know you don’t to be that girl.
COME HOME APRIL. I MISS YOU.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: aPRIL
Captain’s log, week 2: my best friend still hasn’t turned up, or responded to my emails. The only reason I know she’s okay is because I will for a fact kick her ass the next time I see her again, and nothing can change that.
Which reminds me: if you’re dead I’m going to murder you. We were supposed to be ghosts together, you asshole.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: (no subject)
Okay, seriously? It’s been two weeks since I emailed you. Now your phone’s telling me it’s out of service and your aunt’s hella sure that you’ve run away.
I get the feeling this has to do with those aliens, right? The ones that took your dad?
April, if you’re kidnapped by aliens, and you didn’t take me with you I’m seriously gonna be so pissed.
…
Come home, girl. I’m really starting to worry about you.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: not dead
(1) attachment
Two things:
1) I’m still alive.
2) Aliens suck.
I’m not kidnapped though, so there’s hope for us getting mercilessly dissected together still. But trust me; there are things worse than getting kidnapped.
I don’t really know the best way to tell you things (technically I’m not even supposed but I really couldn’t care less at this point) so just open the picture and read the short-answer explanation caption my, uh, brother wrote, and that should clear a few things up. Or not. It’s really complicated…
And, uh, try not to freak out
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: not dead
Remember what I said about kicking your ass when I see you? Yeah that threat still stands.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: not dead >> HOLY JEEZ
(1) attachment
IS THAT A GIANT TURTLE STANDING NEXT TO YOU WHAT THE HELL
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: not dead >> HOLY JEEZ
(1) attachment
AND HE’S KIND OF HOT UM
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: not dead
Sorrysorrysorry I didn’t want to tell you like that but I’m not the best at explaining. Don’s way better at doing that kind of stuff than I am.
I’m going to ignore that last part. Also, buy me some brain bleach.
Anyway, Master Splinter’s letting me meet you tonight—and if you behave, he might let you come back to the lair. Come to the corner of Jefferson and Park around 1. You can kick my ass to your heart’s content.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: hot ninja date
Sorry about the black eye I gave you. I mean, I’m not really sorry but, you know. It was a very affectionate punch to the face and I only did it because I love you.
And I get that you had to bring hottie ninja turtle along for protection or whatever, but next time can you tell him to stay home? Nothing puts a damper on catching up faster than twin swords getting shoved up my nose every time he hears a sound. (I only punched you once, okay, that is not enough to earn me that much distrust.)
PS: does he talk about me? I bet he totally talks about me.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: hot ninja date >> seriously?
Next time you meet Master Splinter, pleas don’t call him Rat Dad. It’s hilarious but he hates it, and then I have to train extra. And my black eye’s healing nicely, thanks for asking.
Leonardo did talk about you, actually. His exact words were: “Nope.”
Sorry, Irma. He’s taken.
(Speaking of, aren’t you?)
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: hot ninja date >> seriously? >> heck yeah girl
No can do, Apes. He’s Rat Dad forever. Well, I could call him Rad Rat instead, but I don’t think he’d like that any better. Glad to hear about your eye; as soon as it’s all better I’ll give you another.
Whaaaat? You mean someone got to hottie ninja turtle before me? …you did say he has brothers, right?
If you seriously think I dated Jones for more than a week, you’re nuts. We work better as friends, anyway. (More than I can say for you and him though. Cough like him already cough.)
You know, I wasn’t going to press the issue, but you haven’t mentioned your dad…like at all. And I’m not talking about Rat Dad; I mean your human dad. …Have you gotten him back yet?
I know it’s…a touchy subject for you but please don’t brush me off. Serious Irma is very serious.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: hot ninja date >> seriously? >> heck yeah girl
Rat Dad doesn’t appreciate any threats about another black eye. If you think mama bears are protective, you’ve never seen Master Splinter go into full blown ninja-dad mode.
I’d rather not talk about Leo’s love-life, but he’s kind of…dating his dad’s mortal enemy’s daughter. Trust me, if you hear the full story, you’d want to give him a black eye.
You two lasted a whole week? That’s actually a little impressive. Any new guy come around I should know about, or are you setting your sights on Leo? (Cough when hell freezes over cough.)
…I’d rather not talk about my dad in an email. Doesn’t that seem a little…cold to you? He’s worth more than just typed words, even if there were multiple pages. We’ll talk the next time I can convince Master Splinter to let me go topside.
(PS, I called him Rat Dad by accident during training today. I didn’t think it was even possible to do that many suicide runs in one hour.)
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: hot ninja not-date
You know where Murakami’s is? That place if safe; we can meet behind the shop at midnight.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: hot ninja date the second
ARE ALL OF THEM SUPER ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM.
I have to admit, I’m a little hurt about Leo passing up the offer to see me. Don’t get me wrong—Raph’s a ten, easy—but you know, I thought we had something special. Who was the one in that first picture with you? The one that explained the Kraang and the Shredder and all that, like, a month ago? You called him Don or something, I think.
You never told me about Leo’s girlfriend, by the way. I get the feeling you don’t like her very much. I mean you don’t really like people in general that much but this seems a little bit more than your normal antisocial qualities.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: hot ninja date the second >> STOP THAT
None of them are attractive! Okay, well, I mean they are but—UGH stop, gross, I don’t think about any of them in that way at all!
Leo actually was out on yet another “secret” date with his evil girlfriend. He thinks they’re secrets but me and Raph know what he’s been up to for the past couple months. For a ninja, he’s bad at being discreet.
Donnie’s the one that was in the picture with me and wrote out the explanation. You two would get along, I think; he’s even more of a nerd than you are, somehow. (Don’t fight it, Irma, you’re a nerd. But you’re my nerd.)
Okay, Leo’s girlfriend’s named Karai, and she’s such an asshole. In fact, she’s part of the reason why I got grounded to the sewers. She tried to kidnap me for the Kraang and… well, I beat her (because I’m awesome) but it wasn’t easy.
I met her at Murakami’s actually; that’s why there’s security systems there now. Poor guy’s gone through enough. She tricked me into sharing lunch with her, then she chased me around the city and kicked my ass until I threw her down some subway stairs. And yeah, it was just as cool as it sounds.
Anyway, Leo thinks she’s a nice girl way deep down and while I think his optimism is admirable, it’s just not real. Karai’s not a good guy and he’s probably just going to get hurt…
And I’m NOT antisocial!
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: hot ninja date the second >> STOP THAT >> NO
You think they’re hot, don’t you, Apes. Don’t you.
Hey, I’ll have you know that my nerdiness is my most becoming quality, and I’m a strong, independent geek that don’t need no antisocial sandbagging best friend. Donnie would probably like me more than he likes you so there.
Simple solution: punch them both in the face. I’m serious. That method hasn’t failed me yet.
And I don’t know if you’re away of this, but the thing you just described with Karai is a date. A date gone horribly wrong, but still a date. I don’t know if Leo’s the jealous type, but don’t him anyway, just to be safe.
If he’s ever your escort again, I’ll give him some dating tips. ‘Cuz he’s doing it so, so wrong.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: re: re: hot ninja date the second >> STOP THAT >> NO
They’re not ugly and that’s all I’m going to say.
Be careful what you wish for. Donnie’s already got a thing for me and I don’t think he’s moving on anytime soon.
Have you ever tried punching a ninja in the face? It usually ends with reciprocation. I quess I landed a hit on Leo once but it was a special occasion.
WOW I
I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH HER WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT.
Your dating tips probably aren’t what he needs. This isn’t a fling, it’s like…a straight up tryst.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: it was totally a date
I found a solution so perfect it’ll make you puke rainbows. You go for Karai, and I get Leo. And Raph. And Donnie too. I haven’t met Mikey yet but with brothers like them my expectations are pretty high.
# ##
With a small stuttering sound, April burst into laughter, effectively silencing all conversation in the living room. The longer she laughed, the funnier the email seemed to be, and it didn’t take long until there were tears brimming at the corner of her eyes.
Interest piqued, Raph and Mikey peered over the edge of the comic book they’d been discussing. “You alright?” the older of the two said, cocking his head to the side.
Still hiccupping the occasional giggle, April nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.” She hesitated before hitting the reply button and hummed a quiet, contented sound. “I just…miss someone, is all.”
Whatever he said next she was hardly paying attention to. All her focus was on typing up a reply.