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Arthur feels as if like he could sleep until the last trumpet. Those days spent in Cerdig’s slave camp, their escape, and returning Col’s people to their village: all have taken their toll. When they finally trail home, he manages to force down some food – better fare than the slop they’ve had over the last few days – and then just sits staring at nothing, vaguely aware of Kai, cleaning their weapons, while Llud checks on the horses.
Setting down the last blade, Kai looks up. “Come on, Arthur – enough contemplation. Time you got some rest.”
“What?” Arthur comes to himself, gets to his feet, and, taking off his sword belt, and letting it fall, stumbles towards the sleeping chamber.
Following close behind, Kai asks, “Do you need anything?”
“Nothing but my bed.”
Arthur collapses onto it, then gives a wince, and rolls onto his side. While fighting for his freedom, he’d forgotten all the welts upon his back; now, he remembers them.
“Let me see.” Kai carefully raises Arthur’s tunic, then draws a sharp breath.
Arthur puts a hand on his wrist. “It’s nothing.”
Kai pulls away. “I’ll get something for that. We mustn’t let it fester.”
A few minutes later, he returns, a wooden bowl in his hand. He sits on the bed next to Arthur, and shows him something green and sticky.
Arthur sniffs, and makes a face. “I hope I don’t have to drink that!”
“No,” Kai says patiently. “It’s to go on your back.”
“Why do all Lenni’s concoctions stink?”
“Come on – don’t be a baby.”
So Arthur strips off his tunic, and lies on his stomach.
Kai starts smearing the stuff onto his wounds, starting with the back of his neck, and working his way down. It stings, but Arthur tries not to flinch. Kai must be feeling bad enough already, and he is being exceptionally gentle. Arthur wonders – as the wheals at the base of his spine are carefully anointed – whether Kai knows it isn’t pain that makes him gasp.
“Taking the whip to you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Kai says, in that voice of mud and gravel.
“I know. And I thank you for doing it. You’re no slouch, but that Saxon foreman would have killed me if he’d got the whip in his hand.” Arthur sits up, and turns to Kai. “If you still think you’ve wronged me, you should know – I forgive you.”
Kai’s brow clears, his relief as plain as day.
Right then, if his life depended on it, Arthur couldn’t have stopped himself from leaning forward, and pressing a kiss upon Kai’s parted lips.
Kai’s mouth softens; for a heart-stopping moment, Arthur thinks he will return the kiss.
But Kai stands up, and backs away from the bed.
Arthur feels the solid earth disappear from under him.
Kai touches his own lips, and stares at Arthur; he looked confused, hurt; possibly just plain scared.
“Kai, I’m –”
But Kai slams the door on his apology.
That night, Arthur doesn’t know on whose pillow Kai lays his head.
~~
As the first cock crows, Arthur, rubbing sleepless eyes, looks out on the unwelcome sight of Kai, already mounted up, and ready to set out for the eastern border of their territory. Some days ago, a village chief sent word that his men needed to be taught some tricks to use against the Saxon axe, and Kai had seemed the ideal man to send.
That was before last night.
Now, Arthur just wishes he could think of some pretext to keep Kai here, so he can somehow make things right between them. But his brain refuses to provide one.
Kai looks towards the hut. Their eyes meet. Kai clenches his jaw, gives Arthur a curt nod, turns his horse, and sets off at a gallop.
Arthur can only hope that last night’s blunder isn’t the distraction that gets his best friend and lieutenant killed.
Four days, Kai will be absent from his side; they’ll be the longest days of Arthur’s life.
~~
Kai feels Arthur’s eyes upon him as he rides away, but can’t bring himself to turn and look behind him. Even when he reaches the oak that stands a mile from the village, still he urges his horse to greater speed.
What is it Kai flees?
He hardly knows: but even now, his lips feel tender from the touch of Arthur’s.
Kai has rarely known Arthur to lie with a woman. He’d always thought his leader too discreet to kiss and tell, too bound up with forging and maintaining alliances, or perhaps too fearful of abusing his position.
But what if Arthur’s disapproval of his – Kai’s – habitual wenching, springs not from chivalry, but jealousy?
It makes Kai’s heart beat faster, just to think it.
But this can’t be. Arthur’s kiss meant nothing: only forgiveness for having laid the lash to his back. He was a fool, even for a moment to have thought otherwise – and now, Arthur knows him for that fool.
His eyes sting. It’s just the wind, whipping his hair into his eyes. Only the wind.
Reaching some woods, Kai slows his horse.
Two men, both armed with swords, leap from cover, and attack, and he must fight if he’s to make it home, and find the answer to his question.
So he fights.
He kills a man who’s not his enemy – a Celt. He knows trouble will come of this for Arthur, because of his Saxon hanger-on: the millstone round his neck.
He travels on, teaches some men to kill his kind, then wearily returns home, to face whatever he must face.
~~
On the evening of the fourth day, Kai returns, twice in disgrace – or so he thinks.
As he rides into the village, Arthur meets his gaze, his face unreadable, then calls Llud over.
“I have a matter of importance to discuss with Kai. Will you stand watch outside the door? Allow no man to enter.”
Llud smirks.
“No, nor woman either.” Arthur returns Llud’s grin.
Steeling himself for what must come, Kai goes inside, and Arthur carefully shuts the door behind them.
As Kai expected, Arthur has had word about the man he killed.
“Don’t let it concern you,” Arthur says. “I know you were ambushed. Morged engineered it. I have agreed to settle the issue in single combat, against his champion.”
“Arthur, this is my fight. Why do you not name me as your champion?”
Arthur tilts his head, that aggravating half-smile upon his lips. “Because, when this is over, I want us both to see another sunrise.”
Kai turns away, and slams his axe down on the table. “What? Do you think that little of me?”
“Not little, no. Never that, Kai. But this man I must face is so formidable, Llud fears that I will lose. If I name you my champion, and Karn kills you, then I will challenge him. But I will be so full of rage and grief that I may become careless. Then he will surely kill me too. And where will that get us?”
Kai swallows. “You would be so angry as that?”
“Angry and sad. Does that bother you?”
“Of course.” Kai leans across the table, and looks Arthur in the eye. “I would not be the cause of either.”
“But you were.” Arthur turns away from him. “You left without a word. I was worried – angry with myself, and sad that you had gone.”
Kai’s heart pounds. “I’m sorry, Arthur. I was afraid.”
Arthur turns back. “Of me? Can you not forgive me one mistake? I spend my life forging alliances, but I would break them all, to take back this one thing I’ve done to offend you, if it breaks our friendship.”
Kai feels his mouth drop open. “Offend me? No. I … you did not offend. But I thought you meant nothing by that touch of lips, when to me …”
He takes a breath to steady his nerve. “You know how I am, Arthur. Already, I love you more than I could love a brother. If this means less to you than it does to me, then I may lose myself completely.” He takes Arthur by the shoulders. “Do you understand me?”
Arthur’s eyelids flutter, over pitch-dark eyes. “Is it not worth the risk?”
Kai takes a heaving breath. “Yes … it is worth it.” He throws off his heavy cape, drops to his knees, and looks up at Arthur searchingly. “So… what must a man do for his lord?”
“Not your lord, Kai, not in here.” Arthur takes Kai’s hands, and raises him. They stand, clasping each other’s forearms. “In here, at least, we are just friends – two equals.”
~~
For the second time in his life, Arthur does what he’s waited all his life to do – he kisses Kai on the lips.
~~
Kai tilts his head – lets Arthur take his mouth, grips his shoulders as if he’ll never let him go, and rides the kiss like an un-backed stallion. His jaw aches, and his tongue feels sore, and no woman has ever kissed him like this, nor ever will.
He wants …
Kai pushes Arthur down on the bed, and though he half-expects resistance – even a fight – Arthur goes down as willing as you please, and suddenly, both find themselves gasping for breath, whimpering into each other’s mouths –
“Arthur, my Arthur …”
“My love …”
The words fly straight and true, and pierce Kai to the heart.
He doesn’t know what this is, but he tugs at Arthur’s breeches, freeing his cock to stand straight as a sword. For a moment, he can’t breathe – feels himself swaying like a man about to faint.
Arthur puts a hand on his arm, and squeezes, reassuring.
Only then can Kai breathe again, enough to speak. “What … what may two men do together?”
“What mayn’t they?” Arthur’s eyes shine like deep pools of obsidian. “That’s something we could learn … discover together.”
As Kai takes courage, and takes Arthur’s cock in hand, and works it as he would his own, the look on Arthur’s face nearly makes him lose control.
Then Arthur raises himself on his elbows; pushes down Kai’s breeches, and looks at him with a hunger Kai never thought to see – not for him.
He can’t bear it.
He closes his eyes, his body flexing as he tries to hold it back, but when Arthur shifts beneath him, and takes both of them together in his hand, Kai – knowing himself lost – comes with a wrenching cry, and Arthur comes with him.
~~
Arthur knows Kai’s whipcord body as well as his own … but not like this. Never like this. Kai lies, relaxed as any cat beside a Roman hearth, his face and chest flushed; hair, wilder than ever, and his eyes, wide and wondering. He looks like someone who has seen his god.
Arthur feels Kai devour him with his gaze. He moves some blond strands off Kai’s face, and says, “I’ve waited so long for this.”
Kai grips his wrist. “Why? Why did you wait? Why leave me stumbling around in the dark if –”
“You mean everything to me, Kai, and I feared losing you – driving you away. For four whole days, I thought I had driven you away.”
“Where would I go, where you were not?”
They kiss again, slowly.
After half an hour, Kai takes Arthur by the balls, and says, “Again.
~~
The hinges creak, and Llud comes in, takes in the scene, and raises one eyebrow.
Kai sits bolt upright, trying fruitlessly to shield Arthur from his gaze. "We were –"
But words fail him.
"Discussing a matter of importance," Llud finishes for him. He nods slowly, and picks up a cloak and blanket. “I’m off to find a bed, so you might want to bar this door.”
He beats a retreat, a slight smile on his face.
~~
When Llud has gone, Kai does as he suggested, then turns back, his brow furrowed. "This must stay within these walls.”
Arthur tilts his head, enquiring.
“If you were not their leader, maybe it would pass, but as things stand, if word were to leak out, you might lose the respect of the village … your men, and more importantly, our enemies. I would not be the cause of that."
"Llud will tell no one."
"People are not blind. If we don’t take care, they’ll see the change in us." Kai pauses; looks away. "Most especially, in me."
"You are right, of course." Arthur tries to keep the regret from showing on his face, and in his voice. "You should … carry on as before."
Kai heaves a sigh. "It will not be easy for me either. Know this, Arthur. If you see me consorting with any woman, even if I should lie with her, it is nothing but a show – a smokescreen. From now, I keep my heart for you, alone. Will you do the same for me?"
Arthur places a hand over Kai's heart. "You know, I always have."
~~
Arthur fights Karn, and lives. Just as well – for Karn and Morged, both. After the trick they played to engineer the contest – after flicking mud in Arthur’s eye – had Karn killed Arthur, Kai would have put an axe in both of them, front or back, without a second thought.
What he and Arthur do together hasn’t changed that, one way or the other; only now, with Arthur gone, Kai would be more reckless whether he live or die.
~~
When first a woman took him in her mouth, Kai thought he’d died and gone to paradise; he thought he was in love – but he was wrong.
Now, he knows he is in love – Kai wants to do this thing for Arthur. But know how to ask? He looks down, licks his lips, swallows, and says, “I want …”
“Oh … Kai …” Arthur’s eyes widen. “Please, let me first wash.”
“Let me.”
Kai gets a cloth, dips it in the pail, then wrings it out. He kneels on the floor before Arthur, and washes him. The coldness of the water does nothing to stop Arthur stiffening, long before he’s done.
Arthur’s hands tangle in his hair.
~~
After a week in which Llud rarely gets to sleep in his own bed, Kai looks at Arthur with hungry eyes, and asks, “Is there more?”
“If you desire it – there is more.”
Kai’s lips quirk. “If there is more, then I desire it.”
Arthur goes to the fire-pit, and collects a bowl of grease from the pig they roasted this night.
Kai looks at it, then lowers his gaze. “Must I be the woman in this?”
Arthur raises Kai’s chin. “You are no woman, Kai. Neither am I. But if you will help me prepare, I will receive you, as I would no other.”
Arthur hands Kai the bowl, and stands ready at the end of the bed. “I washed in the river today. I am clean.”
Kai huffs. “You knew that I would ask for this tonight?”
Arthur looks at Kai over his shoulder. “Do I not always make ready for anything that might come to pass?”
Kai sees his friend’s long, lean back bent over for him, and feels his heart expand in his chest.
He plunges his left hand into the pig fat.
~~
As Kai coats his fingers thick with grease, his heart pounds fit to burst. He stands close to Arthur’s left thigh, and sets his other hand on Arthur’s behind. Then he takes a sharp breath, and looks at his greased hand as if it were his enemy.
Arthur looks up. “It’s alright – take your time.”
He seems so calm … as if he’s done this before. But he said, ‘As I would no other,’ and Kai believes him. Arthur is just … confident. That would be irksome, except that Arthur’s confidence is in him.
Kai closes his eyes, slides a finger along the furrow between Arthur’s buttocks, and finds the place. He feels Arthur shift a little; widen his stance. Kai presses tentatively with his middle finger; presses in, and breeches him, but it’s Kai who feels broken open. He couldn’t love this man more, until he opens his eyes, and sees what Arthur has permitted – his own hand, flat against Arthur’s slim, muscular rear – and thinks of what’s to come.
But when he has two fingers buried in that sacred heat, Arthur jerks, and cries out.
Kai turns to stone. “You’re hurt. What must I do? Shall I withdraw?”
Arthur lets out a gasp of laughter. “That was not pain, Kai. That was … nothing like pain.” He bows his head onto his forearms, taking a few breaths.
It’s the prettiest sight Kai has ever seen.
“So it’s true …” Arthur says, with wonder in his voice.
“You knew of this hidden pleasure?”
“I had heard talk. Never experienced.”
Kai narrows his eyes. “No wonder you submitted so readily.”
“Is it not my duty to make a trial of such things, if I expect others to follow my lead?” Arthur shoots a sly smile over his shoulder.
Kai makes no reply, but moves his fingers gently, out and in, and Arthur gives a high, desperate cry, such that Kai thinks he might come all over Arthur’s back, if he hears its like: and yet he makes him cry out once again.
“Please. Kai. I want –”
“You want?” Kai growls. “You are my chief. When you want something, I must surely give it to you.”
Arthur makes a small submissive sound that melts Kai’s insides.
He frees himself, one-handed; greases himself, keeping his other hand well occupied, splayed across Arthur’s rear, like his own fiefdom.
“Ready?” Kai says, his voice gruff and tender all at once.
Arthur looks up at him with trusting eyes. “I know little of this – but let us see what we may do.”
~~
As Kai labours above Arthur, between thrusts, he says, “Any man who calls … either of us … womanish … I invite him to … try this … for himself.”
He grunts, comes to a jerking climax, and collapses over Arthur’s back, then, as he brings him off with tender strokes, he adds, “But not with you.”
Arthur chokes out a laugh, and comes.
~~
They lie side by side, recovering.
“So … now you have seen …” Arthur leans over Kai, slides a hand along his flank, and gives him a questioning look.
Kai gives a slight shake of his head.
Arthur doesn’t ask him why; no man should have to give a reason. He doesn’t remind Kai that he said, ‘If there is more, I desire it.’ He gets off the bed, fetches a cup of mead, drinks half down and – when he has masked his disappointment – offers the rest to Kai.
Kai takes it, but won’t look at him.
Arthur palms his cheek, turning his face towards him. “Chief or no, I would not demand this of you.”
Kai looks like he’s about to say he’d like to see Arthur try, but then he shakes his head. “Let us sleep now.”
Arthur doesn’t ask again.
When Kai feels ready, he will let him know.
~~
“What do the Saxons call this?”
Kai shakes his head. “I know of no word in any language to describe what we do.”
“No, I meant this,” Arthur says, taking Kai in his hand.
Kai grunts, and flexes; Arthur grins.
“It is called … the ‘tarse,’” Kai gasps. “This, and the rest together.”
“‘Tarse,’” Arthur repeats. “I like your word better than ours. Say it again.” He tugs on Kai, to make sure he does as he’s told.
“Taaarse,” Kai says, low and dirty, letting the word linger on his tongue.
Arthur collects it in a kiss.
~~
When Arthur returns from escorting Rowena home, he avoids looking Kai in the face. Even when they go back to the hut, he keeps his head turned away.
“So.” Kai throws himself onto a chair, splays his right hand on the table, and toys with his knife, stabbing it into the wood between each finger in turn. “Did you lie with her?
“Who?”
Kai shakes his head. “You know who. Rowena.”
“She was grateful. She tried to –”
“It’s a simple question. Did you lie with Rowena?”
Arthur purses his lips. “I am not accountable to you for what I do, or why.”
“Did.” Kai stabs the knife into the wood. “You.” Stab. “Lie.” Stab. “With her?” He points the blade at Arthur.
Now, Arthur looks levelly at him. “We agreed –”
“Don’t use weasel words on me!” The tip of the knife shakes. “Yes, we agreed. For a reason. But who was there to hear you plough that furrow? What, have you charged your horse with spreading word around the village of your conquest?”
“And did you not take advantage of my absence to –”
“I did not.” Kai slams the blade into the table; leaves it standing upright.
It carries on vibrating long after he has gone.
~~
The next two nights, Kai lies in four different women’s beds, and brags about it. On the third night, he lies with a married woman.
Finding them, her husband beats his wife, because he fears to challenge Kai.
Kai lays the man out with a single blow.
He feels dead inside.
Arthur summons him.
Kai trudges miserably to their hut … Arthur’s hut, that used to be theirs – and stands outside; stands wilting like a dandelion deprived of rain.
Arthur comes to the door, and sighs. “Have you proven whatever it was you needed to? Or must I forbid you to lie with the women of this village, just to keep the peace?”
Kai snorts, and looks up at him. “Yes. Forbid it. Then I will not need to trouble myself again.” He turns his head away. “I lie with them, but they do not satisfy me.”
Arthur takes a step towards him, takes Kai’s chin in his hand, and makes him meet his gaze. “Neither did Rowena satisfy me.”
Kai’s lips part. “She did not?”
Arthur shakes his head.
“Then –”
“Will you come back?”
It’s a request, not an entreaty – but it is enough. Kai takes a step towards him – grips his upper arm. “You would lie with me again?”
“I will do more than that.”
They slip inside; Arthur drops to his knees, and Kai can’t look. He closes his eyes, his head rolls back. He hasn’t washed in three days, and he has lain with five different women, but Arthur takes him in, and all too soon, Kai looses his frustration and despair into Arthur’s mouth.
He sags, resting his hands on Arthur’s shoulders.
Arthur licks his lips, and looks up at Kai.
“On our return journey, Rowena was grateful and willing, whereas before, she was resentful and un-cooperative. She is a future Queen of the Jutes. When she offered herself, it would have been politic to lie with her.”
Kai’s eyes widen. “You did not?”
“I did not. I felt no desire for her.”
“And you told her …?”
“I said she was too young.” Arthur smiles ruefully. “After that, she became sullen once again.”
Kai laughs, an awful burden lifting. Then he frowns. “But you said you had –”
“You will recall that I did not.”
“But you allowed me to think –”
Arthur shakes his head, as if talking to a child. “Was it not easier for you to bed those women, thinking that I had been unfaithful?”
“It was easier,” Kai says. “And much harder. You trick and trap your enemies this way. How have I deserved this?”
Arthur gets off his knees, and stands face to face with him. “You are right. It was not fair to you. I … I wanted to leave you free to choose.”
“This was a trial?” Kai sits on the bed, and puts his head in his hands. “Of me?”
Arthur lays a hand on his shoulders. “If it was a trial, then I’m the one who failed. Can you forgive me?”
Kai puts his arms around Arthur’s thighs, and holds on, tight.
~~
“I am Kai, the Saxon who rides with Arthur.”
He gets tired of constantly excusing his own existence by hanging his curse round Arthur’s neck. Each repetition eats away at him.
~~
“Is that all I am? ‘The Saxon who rides with Arthur’?”
Arthur feigns annoyance. “Is it not enough for you?”
Kai shrugs, throws the knife he has been tossing from hand to hand into the target board, and growls, “It is enough.”
But they both know he lies.
Arthur turns his head, hiding a smile behind his hair. “What about ‘The Saxon beloved of Arthur’?”
“What?” Kai looks up. “You think they know?”
“They know, though they do not know exactly what they know.”
“You talk in riddles, like a preacher.”
“Why do you think you our enemies so often take you hostage – never kill you?”
Kai shakes his head. “I’ve been lucky. They hadn’t the stomach for it, or else I escaped.”
“It’s because they know you are my greatest asset – also my greatest weakness. They know that wherever Kai may be, Arthur must soon come there.”
~~
Arthur agrees to Cerdig’s terms.
Kai feels his throat close up; his heart stops, then it beats so fast that it must surely burst. His world falls apart, in ruins.
He wants to shout out, ‘No!’ He wants to pound his fist into Arthur’s face. Most of all, he wants to beg Arthur not to leave him in the hands of their enemies. But to do that – any of it – now, and show such weakness before Cerdig, would be the height of folly.
He could run; he’s good at running. He could dive out of this hut, leap onto his horse, and go. But even now, though Arthur can leave him here, he can’t leave Arthur, he just can’t. And so he bites his tongue. He can smell his own fear, his own sweat; it makes him feel sick.
He knows Cerdig can smell it too.
Arthur utters some dire threat to Cerdig, but Kai barely hears it for the pounding of the blood in his ears. He still can’t believe it.
Arthur does not look at him again, till – with the briefest glance, his face tight, and resolved – he leaves him behind.
~~
For three whole days, they keep his hands bound, tight; he has to take what little food and drink Cerdig’s hospitality affords, from his guards’ hands. They won’t even untie him when he needs to take a piss. He has to foul himself, or ask for help.
He asks for help.
But even this humiliation seems a trifling inconvenience, compared to what he feels at Arthur having left him here.
~~
Soaking wet, and joyful, Kai runs up to Arthur – his leader, his love, his everything.
Arthur looks at him with amusement; almost with contempt. “Could you not wait?”
Kai’s gorge rises. He expected a fairer greeting. But the Saxon border’s no place for a fight. He takes his horse from Llud, and rides back to the village as if all the devils followed close behind him. He doesn’t want to have to look at Arthur – speak to him – because if he does …
He goes down to the river, to wash off the stink of Cerdig’s camp.
When the others straggle back, Llud tries to pacify him; tells him that Arthur regrets leaving him; that it was tactically sound. He’s here now, isn’t he? They came for him, as they promised. They always will.
But Kai says only, “Let me take your hut tonight.”
Llud nods.
That night, Kai sits by the fire with the others; cracks too many jokes, drinks too much mead, rips too much meat off the bone, and says not a word to Arthur. Doesn’t even glance in his direction.
Half drunk, his heart breaking, he stumbles to Llud’s hut, alone, rolls himself in Llud’s furs, and lies there, not sleeping; gripping his axe haft.
Someone enters; Kai scrambles to his feet, ready to defend himself.
But he knows Arthur’s silhouette as well as his own hand.
“Kai –”
Kai drops his axe, takes a swing, and knocks Arthur to the ground.
"Sheep and goats, Arthur! You left me as a hostage for sheep and goats!”
He aims a kick; Arthur curls up, and grunts in pain.
“Is that all I’m worth to you?” Kai slams his fist into the wall, once, twice, again.
Arthur struggles to his feet, and takes Kai’s bloodied fist in both his hands. "Sheep and goats mean little to you, Kai, but they were life or death to Cerdig and his people. That was your worth to him ... as it is to me."
Kai sits down on the bed. He doesn’t want to breathe, because when he does, a great shudder will wrack his whole body, and betray him. But he has to breathe, and so he does.
Arthur drops to his knees on the floor before him. “What must I do?”
Kai takes Arthur by the hair, and forces his head back. Then he lets go; shakes his head.
Arthur, his voice full of humility, says, “I have not been kind.”
Kai snorts.
“For reasons of expedience, I let myself forget that to lead many, I must lead each man, be responsible to each man, and most especially to you – my right hand, and my heart. I will not forget again. Please … tell me what I must do.”
Kai sniffs, and swallows round the lump in his throat. “Three days, Arthur. Three days, and not a thing I could do for myself. I could neither feed myself nor …”
“They bound your hands,” Arthur says, his voice grey.
“No! I was treated as an honoured guest! I was feasted every night, and given the fairest women of their village to take to bed!” Kai gives a bitter laugh. “Of course they bound me. I am Kai, the Saxon who rides with Arthur. Kai, the Butcher. They bound my hands behind me, and at night, each of my feet to a post, in case I should try to crawl away.”
~~
Arthur knows what it means to be without the use of your hands for three days; you eat and drink only what you are allowed, and then, only what you must, to keep body and soul together. He shakes his head. “I am sorry. I thought Cerdig –”
“You would trust a Saxon?”
“From now on – only one. You were not to be harmed. I thought –”
Kai snorts. “I was roughly handled, but they took care to leave no mark a man might see.”
“Did they –?”
“Violate me? No.” Kai’s head drops. “Though nightly, my guards spoke of it amongst themselves, knowing that I must hear them. And, on the last night, threatened me to my face.”
Arthur feels a cold rage come over him. “You were harmed, I told him you were not to be harmed.”
“And then Cerdig insulted me further – tried to get me to go over to his side.”
“But you did not. I knew that you would not.”
“No, I did not,” Kai says, through gritted teeth. “I put on a show, and then he freed my hands, and I escaped, so that our people might keep their animals, and I, some little pride that I had left. Only to be castigated, like a child stealing food from the table – told that I should have been more patient.”
Arthur puts a hand on Kai’s arm. “Tell me what I must do.”
Kai heaves in a breath, as though air has been denied to him for days. He slaps Arthur on the back of the head. “Lie here with me.” His voice cracks. “Just –”
Arthur closes his eyes, and breathes a sigh. He lies down behind Kai, and pulls him close.
He pretends he doesn’t notice that Kai is shaking in his arms.
~~
Kai awakes before dawn, and finds himself alone. He goes to the door, but can’t see Arthur anywhere in sight, and, in the stables, finds both his and Arthur’s horses gone.
If Arthur had been taken against his will, Kai knows he would have woken – so he waits to see what will transpire.
When first light breaks over the hills, Arthur rides into view, leading Kai’s horse, with something on her back. Kai can’t see what, until at last, Arthur comes to a halt outside the hut, dismounts, pulls Cerdig from Kai’s horse, and throws him, bound and gagged, at Kai’s feet.
“Deal with him as you will.”
~~
When they send Cerdig home after three days, he has no mark upon him that a man might see.
~~
In the days that pass following his captivity in Cerdig’s village, it disturbs Kai to remember that his guards threatened to take by force, something he has not freely given to Arthur.
Is that a good reason to allow it? Does he need a reason?
Arthur needed none.
What does this mean? That Arthur’s trust in him is stronger than his, in Arthur?
He feels vexed with himself for resisting, and irked with Arthur, that he has not asked again, though Kai has twice more taken him that way.
And Kai has not tired of Arthur … does not love him less, nor want him less. His love grows every time he takes him. Arthur only has to say, ‘I washed in the river today’, for Kai to grow as rigid as the haft of his own axe.
Since the day Arthur first called him ‘my love’, Kai has held those words clutched closely to his breast. He knows, without having to ask, that Arthur has never said those words to anyone before. But how many times has Kai used those same words to some woman whom he thinks he loves, only to find, in speaking them, that he has let them fly like captured birds, through a cage door flung wide?
He goes down to the river; wades into the water, to his waist.
He touches himself there, where Arthur would enter him, and pushes with his finger. It is not painful, but the water is so cold, he can’t relax. He slaps the surface with his hand.
When he has allowed Arthur this one last thing, he knows he will belong to him – forever.
~~
That night he tells Arthur, “I washed in the river today.”
Arthur draws in a breath, and stalks towards him; Kai holds him off.
“But when we do this, I wish to look upon your face.”
Arthur’s gaze, usually so distant, focuses just on Kai. “I would like that too. Shall we make a trial of it?”
They swiftly shed their clothes, and Kai sits on the bed, and shuffles backwards.
Arthur plunges his hand into the grease; then swarms over him; hot and hard for him.
Kai closes his eyes; his heart feels raw inside them.
~~
Arthur stills. If he asks Kai what it is he fears, Kai will throw him off, with blustering denials, and hurt pride. He runs his knuckles along Kai’s cheek.
“We are already one flesh, you and I.”
Kai looks at him now, his lips parted. He jerks his head. “What are you waiting for? Give me your hand.”
Arthur offers it. Kai grips his wrist, and puts Arthur’s hand where it needs to be. Then Arthur leans over him; kisses him with all the tenderness he feels, and presses gently with his middle finger.
Though he takes great care, still, Kai’s grip tightens, as he lets Arthur prepare him. His eyes widen, his breath comes in short gasps, and when Arthur finds that place within him, he arches, and cries out.
Arthur nearly comes just to see Kai, his head thrown back, every muscle gilded with sweat, and Kai looks so beautiful when he comes, that now, it’s Arthur who must close his eyes.
~~
When Kai feels Arthur’s gaze on him again, those blue eyes – often so opaque, even to Kai – let him right in, and now he wants to do the same for Arthur.
He wants to.
“Come on.” He lies back, and spreads himself. “I’m ready.”
~~
They lie, bare-chested, in the long grass, letting the warm sun soak into their skin.
Arthur trails a grass stem down the middle of Kai’s chest.
Kai grits his teeth, grabs Arthur’s hand, and pulls him down towards him. He kisses Arthur’s perfect mouth. “We should do this more often. Not that I don’t like fighting – but this … this, I could spend all day, and forever, kissing you.”
“We used to do this openly – we Celts. Until the new religions, and the new tribes came. The abbots, and their prohibitions. But we have allies who are not like us. They must be given no excuse to turn against us. This is why we fight. So that one day, all men may –”
“Stop talking,” Kai says, and makes him.
~~