Chapter Text
Flashes of light. A sharp needle poking harshly into his neck. His begging cries, pleading for immovable and unfeeling forces to be moved to stark compassion, as darkness claimed his vision and senses. He could still feel the hands on his body, alien and abrupt and forceful, pinning him to the grass below. He could still smell the cool earth, feel the way his glasses had pressed uncomfortably into his skin. It was a nightmare and he lived it, and he couldn’t wake up because it had been real.
Grace startled awake with a gasp, heart pounding in his chest, only to wince as everything ached.
Memories flooded back slow and sluggish. The Hail Mary. His forced departure into space. Astrophage and taumoeba. And, of course…Rocky.
“Grace awake, question? Heart beat is fast fast fast, what is wrong, question?!”
Panic and relief sparked two sharp notes in his chest, and it took much effort for Grace to force himself upright, groaning as frayed joints popped and withered muscles protested. They were in the last few months of the Hail Mary’s journey to Erid, and the monumental task of starving just slowly enough to survive was weighing on him, both mentally and physically.
“Just a nightmare, bud,” Grace replied, lifting thin hands to rub against his cheeks, feeling the way his skin gave lifelessly under the touch. His cheeks were hollow, and his eyes felt sunken. Not gonna be in the running for World’s Sexiest Man any time soon, he thought ruefully, fingers brushing blond hair away from his eyes. He needed to wash it, but the idea of getting out of his bunk right now made nausea roll in his empty stomach. Yet, the idea of staying made his skin crawl. He’d already been down too much. He had to get up.
“Grace have nightmares too much, more and more,” Rocky toned, humming a trio of concerned notes as he tapped on the glass separating them. “Don’t like it. Hate nightmares.”
“Yeah, I do too, Rock. Just gonna have to live with it for a while longer.”
Rocky grumbled a frustrated pip, then jutted his carapace forward, saying “Finish prototype suit today! Then I will help much more! Happy happy happy.”
Grace smiled at the eagerness in his companion’s tone, tilting his head to take in the rock-like eridian swaying rapidly back and forth, jazz-hands warbling in the air. Merely looking at his dearest friend was always enough to calm him after a nightmare, and he shoved the blankets free of his legs before carefully attempting to stand.
“Grace stop! Stop stop stop! Remember what happened last time, question?! Grace need to stay in bed!”
Grace winced immediately, reminded of the bandaging currently settled across his left temple. He’d tried to walk without assistance from Armando, and had paid the price when his legs had refused to hold him, gaining him a bloody and painful connection with the edge of a table. He hadn’t walked without assistance since then.
“I’m feeling better today, Rocky. I promise!”
“NOT care. Heart and body already working too hard. I go get the ball. Mary, make Armando help Grace-friend, statement!”
“Initiating automated assistance.”
“Thank, Mary.”
“You're welcome, Rocky.”
It had made sense to program Rocky into the ship’s logs as part of the crew, seeing how long of a journey they’d set out upon. Mary was advanced enough to adapt easily to his speech patterns, and Grace himself had become nearly fluent in eridian at this point. He rarely needed the translator anymore, except for the occasional new word.
Grace snorted at the interaction as Armando puttered over, multiple limbs reaching out to offer assistance as the human moved to shift to his feet, and he kicked himself for his initial stubbornness because he immediately leaned heavily upon the robot for support. Yeah, that probably would have earned me another lump for Rocky to complain about. Hate it when he’s right almost all of the time.
Grace stood on wobbly, frail legs as Rocky scuttled off to get into his ball, feeling for all the world like a newborn fawn trying to stand for the first time. He hated how little control of himself he had, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and both he and Rocky had long since discussed many of the risks and potentials that intentional starvation would hold.
They’d been through a lot of it, already. The fits of wailing and crying and sobbing whenever Grace woke without remembrance of where he was. The long nights where Grace curled pathetically against Rocky, either in his rolling ball or pressed against the xenonite barrier, unable to stop shaking, so tired that he couldn’t fully wake, yet so cold that he couldn’t fully sleep. The night where scurvy had caused the burns on his left side to reopen had been particularly bad; Mary had been forced to sedate him, which had been an entirely different issue, and he had fought it until Rocky had rolled right up next to the bed, soothing him with warbled, reassuring notes.
They’d gotten through all of those situations, and Grace was ever thankful for Rocky’s presence, glad that he’d thought to warn Rocky of them before they started happening.
It had, however, been impossible to get Rocky to talk about the situations that ended in Grace’s death, and even now, Grace had the feeling that Rocky staunchly refused to consider it an option. He was blindingly optimistic that they would reach Erid in time, and that Erid would love and adore him, and that the planet would find a way to help him survive. While Grace appreciated the enthusiasm, he feared what would happen to Rocky if things did, in fact, end badly before they reached Erid.
I don’t want him to be alone again.
“Grace-friend, I am here!”
He was rattled from his thoughts by the resounding clunks of Rocky wheeling up in his xenonite ball, scuttling up with expert precision that landed him gently against Ryland’s leg. He could both hear and feel the sound of the eridian purring away at the contact through the xenonite, and the sensation was immensely calming as he reached out to press a thin hand to the top of the ball.
“Thanks, bud. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Grace would cry and leak and be disgusting all over entire ship of Mary, statement.”
“I SO would not!”
“Would. Double statement.”
“That’s the most unfair thing I’ve ever heard,” Grace grumbled as he started moving painstakingly slowly, relying heavily on Armando for assistance. Rocky hovered along at his ankles, ready to roll wherever he was needed as he dutifully tracked at his side.
“Not most unfair. Most unfair when we play Uno and I win eleven times in a row. Grace terrible bad at Uno.”
“I still highly suspect cheating, by the way. You can’t even see color!”
“Not need to see color to win at Uno. Grace terrible bad at ALL card games, statement.”
Grace couldn’t help the huffed laugh that puffed from his straining lungs at the eridian’s unabashed confidence. “Okay, so card games were never my strong suit,” he said as they neared the ship’s bathroom. “Sue me.”
“I will not sue Grace. Already have almost everything I could ever need from Grace. Have life. Have friendship.”
“Oh yeah? Those are pretty important. What’s left to give, eh?”
Rocky went uncharacteristically silent at the question, prompting Grace to glance down at him. “Rock?”
“I test xenonite suit today.”
Grace blinked quizzically as he sat heavily on the chair he’d set in front of the sink, groaning at the relief on his joints with the motion. Rocky was fidgeting with his hands in what Grace knew by now to be a nervous tell, dancing lightly on three legs. Is it just my imagination, or is he NOT looking at me right now? No, he definitely wasn’t, judging by the averse tilt of his carapace, which was masterful in and of itself for a species that couldn’t STOP seeing everything around them.
“Rocky, what-”
“Suit really is just smaller version of ball, so ball itself is technically prototype. I did lots of testing, make absolutely certain it is safe!”
“Uh.” Grace blinked sluggishly as Rocky launched into a detailed explanation of the suit itself, so fast that his earlier conversational hiccup was swept away without any hope of redirecting to it. He was curious about the logistics of the new suit, but Rocky was the most brilliant engineer he’d ever seen, and he trusted his companion’s math to a deep and soulful level. He shifted in order to lean back against the bathroom wall for a moment, consigning himself to a very long sit in order to gain the energy for the task of washing his hair. It shocked him, how many things he had considered easy before. He could remember going days without washing his hair when he was perfectly capable, all because he was lost in some project or task, and now he would give anything to feel even a semblance of cleanness.
He glanced up for a moment as light sparked in his vision, still recovering from the exerting task of walking the short trek to the bathroom, and caught sight of himself in the mirror for the first time in weeks.
The man that looked back at him was painfully unfamiliar, to the point where Grace felt he was looking at a ghost.
His cheeks were hollowed out, sunken against the sharp bones of his face, and his eyes were rimmed in dark circles that stood out against too-pale skin. He could see the lines of recessed muscle in his neck, down his shoulders, disappearing under a shirt that he swore used to fit him well. Blond hair flared haphazardly around his head like a halo, and the stubble on his face was unkempt and scraggly from lack of care.
I look like I’m dying.
The thought had tears burning in his eyes, but he didn’t have the strength to cry. Everything was too exhausting, and he’d done more than enough crying in the weeks prior to this. He would get through. He had to.
“...Grace?”
Rocky’s soft chirrup was enough to shake him from his thoughts, and he glanced down to see the eridian had nestled the ball flush to his left leg, pressing his body against the glass, exuding a comforting sense of warmth through the surface. Grace was always cold, now. No amount of clothes or blankets ever seemed to help, but Rocky’s warmth somehow seemed to cut back the worst of the constant chill, in a near-magical way.
“Yeah, bud. Sorry, I uh…lost focus.”
“Is okay. Grace aware is leaking, question?”
Grace blinked and lifted a hand, brushing dry palms over his cheek and staring at the liquid there. “Oh. I guess I am. I’m just…real tired, Rock. Feels like I’m thinking about everything and nothing, all at the same time.”
“I can help, question?”
“...I really just wanna wash my hair.”
Rocky immediately purred and nudged the ball even closer, offering support to Grace’s trembling legs. Grace felt the gratefulness for his presence seep through his veins, the warmth hitting home in his chest.
He tilted his head back against the cool bathroom wall again, closing his eyes for a moment. Just a moment. Just to catch his breath and prepare to stand up. He could do this. He would get cleaned up, and then he would go back to bed and rest before Rocky’s new suit demonstration. He was just as excited for it as Rocky; the idea of finally being able to touch and hug without the thick glass of the ball or the wall was exhilarating. He had tried so hard not to think about how long it had been since someone had touched him with care and kindness in the motions. Was it his last attempt at having a girlfriend, back in college? Not that he could really call that ‘care and kindness’. More like, going through the motions of it.
Wow, had it been that long? He’d kind of given up on the whole dating thing, when all of his attempts had fallen through. He’d tried women and the occasional man, and it always ended the same; they wanted more than he could give. It always felt like he was faking it, like he was doing it because it was what he was supposed to do. There was never any real sense of connection between them. Not like what he had with Rocky, of course.
Not that I’m romantically interested in Rocky! his brain supplied quickly, with a jolt of embarrassment warming his cheeks. Ugh, I know what I mean. The connection I have with Rocky is strong, much stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s like he said earlier; I gave him my life, when I turned back for him. He’s had my friendship since day one. There’s nothing else to give; he has it all.
Did he?
Jesus, something was chirping loudly in his ears. He groaned in annoyance, shifting to try and press his hands over his ears, desperate to block the sound out, but he couldn’t move his arms. Why couldn’t he move his arms? Actually, why couldn’t he open his eyes?
“-ace! Grace! Grace, wake up! Grace!”
The chirping was Rocky, he realized slowly, groaning as he shifted, trying to find the source of the voice. “Mngh…R-Rocky…what…?”
“Grace fall! Blood! Leak blood, much blood! Grace stay, I go get suit!”
“Fall…? R-Rocky, what are you…?”
“Stay, ORDER!”
The second word was delivered with such a distressed and sharp hiss that Grace immediately went limp, stopping every attempt to rise up. He heard the rapid clunks of Rocky’s ball as the eridian shot off into the ship, the sound fading away until all he heard was the rush of his own blood in his ears and the pound of his frantically-beating heart.
Seconds passed in cruel silence as his senses slowly came back to him. Pain was predominant, of course. Terrible pain. Horrible pain. Oh god, everything hurt. Then light as he managed to open his eyes, wincing. Then the sharp taste of blood in his mouth and the scent of it on his skin, causing him to shift uncomfortably on the floor, heedless of Rocky’s order to stay- wait, floor?
Oh shit.
Everything clicked at once, and he managed to rise with a sharp spike of adrenaline, sitting up with a groan that dredged from the deepest recesses of his soul.
I must have passed out. Shit, shi-oot. Shoot. No wonder Rocky was so scared. He leaned heavily against the bathroom wall, panting as he glanced down at himself, noting the steady drip of blood down his chin. Must’ve busted my lip. He could already see bruising forming on his right side where he’d landed; he had no cushioning left, so everything was immediate and sharp in sensation. He shivered, regretting his last clothing choice; the simple t-shirt was fine, but the pair of loose black shorts weren’t doing his starved form any favors against the cold ship walls.
He trembled again, shivers wracking his body without stopping, until the effort of staying upright was too much, and he ended up curled on the floor again, legs pulled tight to his chest. He was shaking too much. He couldn’t stop shaking. All he’d wanted to do was feel clean.
Tears erupted down his cheeks as a single wracking sob ripped from his throat, and then all he saw was darkness as his body did the only logical response left to it, and sent him hurtling into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness.