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“Caleb?”
Your voice sounds broken, even to your own ears. Like a CD that has been played repeatedly, tossed out as soon as the music falters from overuse. It doesn’t help that tears fall down your face akin to a waterfall.
On the other side of the line, Caleb’s voice is full of concern. A faint sound of a chip bag rustles, and the speaker of his phone rubs against the comforters he seems to be moving around. “Hey. What’s up?”
Courage is elusive, a fire ignited by determination. Unfortunately, you are reduced to nothing but weariness at the moment, only clinging on by a thread. You can’t find the courage to open up, nor can you find the words to explain the mix of emotions stirring in your beating heart.
But your silence is loud enough for Caleb to notice the meaning behind it. “Are you okay?”
You shake your head even though you’re aware he can’t see it. The sniffles should speak for themselves, as well as the little wails you try to hide behind tissues and pursed lips.
“Pips?” he calls for you, a hint of desperation in his tone. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
Yet you are nothing but tears and sadness. Words are too much for a state so devastating. The best attempt you can muster is a whisper of his name, a plea for him to be here. To comfort you until your exhaustion is no longer so consuming.
“I’m here,” he says. “I’ll be here for as long as you need me, okay?”
Tears fall even more at the statement, not only because of the warmth in which he says them, but also because of the lie that coats them. He’s here through this call and his utmost attention to you, but he’s not here. He’s not in your room, whispering sweet words in your ear as you cry on his chest. His arms aren’t around your waist, gently caressing them as your words spill onto him effortlessly. His physical presence isn’t here to whisk your exhaustion away.
“Pips?” His voice is broken now, almost as broken as yours if that was even possible.
“I… I just needed to hear your voice,” you admit, courage seeping into you slowly. “I’m so, so tired, Caleb.”
When your voice comes back to you, you keep going.
“Life feels so… empty, you know? I-I have to drag myself through the day, but it doesn’t even feel worth it at the end. It all feels…”
The sentence drifts off into nothingness, for words are inadequate to describe the dark abyss that has depleted your light and left nothing but your tears to show for it.
For a second, you think Caleb hung up on you. The silence persists long after your last word, and it makes you wonder why you even spoke at all. Why you allowed courage to consume you, even if it was for only a moment.
But you hear him clear his throat on the other side of the line, tethering you back to the reality that Caleb would never ever hang up on you.
“I’m proud of you,” he murmurs, as gentle as the wind yet it makes that aching feeling in your chest rustle. “I’m so proud of you for waking up every day, pips. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been.”
So hard, you want to confirm. There were even days where the only sunlight you saw were the ones blocked by your curtains. Sometimes, when the day feels too much, you only see it through your eyelids.
Caleb clears his throat again. “Can you say that out loud for me? That I’m proud of you?”
His voice breaks as he says the absurd request, but you trust him regardless. “Caleb is p-proud of m-me.”
“Good. One day, I know you will be proud of yourself too, but until then, let me be the pillar you lean on.”
“O-okay.”
“Get some rest,” he follows. “Try to fall asleep by thinking of the clouds, or something that brings you comfort.”
The first laugh of the night escapes your lips. “I’ll imagine you cruising through the clouds.”
“That’s…” He falters for a second. “That’s good too.”
More laughs follow the first, all quiet and hesitant to bloom in the sunlight of hope. You clutch your blankets and bury yourself in them as you close your eyes.
“Feelin’ better?” he asks, and his voice sounds more stable now.
In truth, the emptiness still persists as it always has, but it feels lighter under the warmth of clouds and Caleb and his inability to not be proud of you. You hum a sound that closely resembles contentment.
“I’ll be there tomorrow, okay? Just stay put and don’t go anywhere.”
Delighted by this news, you fall asleep on the phone as Caleb’s voice becomes the music accompanying your dreams.