Work Text:
What have I done?
Oh god. What have we done?
This wasn’t what I intended. I don’t think this is what either of us intended - we shouldn’t have let it happen but.. Fuck. When your emotions are on overdrive like that.. It’s hard to rationalize anything.
I’d been awake for some time now, watching him sleep. His breathing seemed so peaceful, I really didn’t want to disturb his sleep… but I didn’t think I could ease my anxiety enough to do so myself anymore. I reached over, my hand brushing some of the hair off of his face. His lips twitched in his as he slept.. Almost like he was smiling.
My heart ached. He didn’t deserve to be used like this.. I couldn’t believe we’d even done such things.
I slowly rose from the bed, pulling on some clothes, being careful not to disturb him. I just needed to clear my head… get a glass of water and maybe some air? Surely that would bring back my ability to think.
I turned on the tap, allowing the water to run cold as I prepared the glass, tossing in a couple ice cubes from the freezer. I let the liquid fill the cup then, turning off the tap again and bringing it to my lips. I had only gotten a couple of sips in before I caught sight of movement from the corner of my eye.
It took everything I had to keep that cup in my hands right then.
“You got up… Is everything okay?”
I nodded, shyly. I didn’t know what to say. This situation felt so… awkward. I couldn’t even look him in the eye for god’s sake.
“I just… needed some water, that’s all.” I replied, sparing a quick glance in his direction, only to regret it.
He’d come downstairs in only his pants, and I just couldn’t keep focus this way. There was a flurry of emotions swarming through my head unlike anything I’d ever known and I just had no damn clue what to do about it.
“(Y/N) I…”
I glanced up again, only to realize that he, too, was having a rough time facing me.
Did I upset him?
I noticed the cherry colour that tainted his cheeks. It matched mine. Were we both regretting what we’d done?
Did I actually even regret it?
Truthfully? No. That had been… the most intense feeling in my life. In the best way possible. I hadn’t even known I could feel like that before.
But the look on his face- the knowledge that the only reason we did this was to forget about Kenny..and how we lost him.
It was too much.
Silently, we both headed back up to my room. He grabbed his shirt and pulled it on, much to my dismay.
We couldn’t talk.
Had I ruined this? Were we doomed to live in unspoken silence all because of a stupid choice that the two of us made?
I didn’t want this.
I really hoped he didn’t want this either.
But was there even a way to go back?
“I.. should probably get going.”
He spoke finally, breaking the quiet storm that had been festering above us. I wanted to scream - tell him no, beg him to stay. I wanted to hold him here to stay with me and work this out before it became something neither of us could fix at all..
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Uh.. yeah. I’m sure your family will worry if you’re out too late.” I replied, my eyes glued to the floor once more. This was annoying. Why couldn’t I just look him in the eye like normal?
“Right.. Yeah. Um..” He seemed to hesitate, moving close to me. He put his hand on top of my head, leaning down as if he were inspecting something. He must not have found it though, as he pulled back quickly and made his way to my door. “I.. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
Right. School. That was going to be awkward.
“Mhm… see you then.”
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
God, I am such an idiot. I couldn’t believe the absolute stupidity that made itself known to me today. I knew I’d made dumb decisions before but now? I’d probably gone and ruined the one thing that I finally thought I could have.
I wanted to kiss them goodbye, tell them how I felt… but I could only kiss them through my own hand.
I couldn’t even talk to them!
I really am pathetic.
They seemed so uncomfortable with me now.. I’d ruined this just like I’d ruined every other stupid relationship I’d gotten into.
Way to go, Kyle. You walking fuck up.
As much as I wanted to go home and..
...
No. As much as I wanted to march back in there and confess for real.. I was out of time. The Coon had called a meeting as soon as Lyric left the room. I had to go.
I didn’t have time to worry about this right now, and it was killing me.
But Hero work always comes first.
Fuck I hated it.
No, that wasn’t true.
I hated myself.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
The following day came faster than I wanted it to.. I had hardly gotten any sleep the night before despite feeling so tired.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was ruining something perfect here - that this was an opportunity I would gravely regret letting pass by.
The whole night I longed to have them cuddled up in my arms again, I wanted to go back, or better yet - bring them home with me away from their problems and into the safety of my house.
However, thanks to the Coon’s mandatory meeting - a head count for some reason? We’d all gotten away fine so it was whatever.. but thanks to him, I couldn’t stay with them.
It felt wrong leaving, but I guess it had kind of felt wrong staying in that moment too.
I didn’t even know what they thought, if we’d really done the right thing. The silence that fell after our activities was as peaceful as it was awkward. We’d even both fallen asleep.
Everything had felt so right and yet.. I sighed, stepping into the school, my eyes scanning the halls. I spotted my crew immediately. It seemed like a normal day; Stan off moping to the side, Cartman looking clearly annoyed by something, (Y/N) laughing about something that was said, surely and… Kenny. He had his arm draped around (Y/N)'s shoulder so casually - he knows full well how I feel. All three of them do - and even knowing that, Kenny just couldn’t keep his hands to himself, could he??
I could feel my ears burning. My blood felt hotter than usual as I approached, masking how I felt best I could. “Hey guys.”
I greeted, earning an eyeroll and back handed comment from Cartman - normal, and a wave from Stan - also normal. What was abnormal was the lack of response from both Kenny and (Y/N). I don’t even think they’d looked at me since I arrived. I watched the blonde lean in close, whispering something incoherent to (Y/N). It had caused them to burst into a fit of giggles.. But it had caused me to feel knots in my stomach. Did last night really not matter to them?
Was I.. just one night? Time and time again I’ve failed in love, but this had felt so different! I couldn’t let this go so easily. I opened my mouth to speak- but got cut off by the sound of the first bell. Fuck. It would have to wait.
My chance never really seemed to come - we attended classes, but they sat away from me.
Seated themselves next to Kenny.
Lunchtime? They’d again sat across the table.. with Kenny.
I tried to find them after class, only to watch them leave the building with none other than fucking Kenny.
He was really starting to get on my nerves. I couldn’t believe he would really try to jeopardize my shot like this. Did he have no conscience? I knew I was probably over reacting, but every time I saw the two together it made me feel as if a million little needles were stabbing me in the back of the neck.
What did I need to do to get them to talk to me again?
My head feels like a mess, my thoughts are irrational and I know that - but honestly.. I wanted to let them be irrational. I was so sick of losing everything I chose to love that I just needed to let it out. I don’t even think Stan would be able to talk me down from this one.
I went home first, fully intending to keep myself calm. Try and get rid of the jealousy annoyance I was feeling.. It didn’t work. It got worse. Who knew being alone with your thoughts would do that?
Naturally, the only other choice I had was to talk to him. Just like Stan had suggested from the start.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
I knocked on the door, standing with my hands to the side as I watched it open.
“Oh, Kyle! ‘Sup dude, what brings you he-”
So much for calming down. My body reacted on its own. My fist had taken off before I even fully registered the words he’d said.
I punched him square in the jaw, and I watched him recoil.
I.. I didn’t even feel bad about it.
“What the fuck, dude??”
Kenny’s backwards stagger had opened the door slightly more, and what I saw inside should have made me feel shame immediately. They were there. They were still with him.
This fucker had betrayed me.
I swung again, but Kenny ducked out of the way this time and I heard (Y/N) suddenly approaching.
”Kyle! Kyle, stop! What’s going on with you??”
Their words were fuzzy in my mind. I shook my head.
Ah, there’s the shame.
I stepped back slowly, staring in horror at the expression on (Y/N)'s face. My eyes flickered to Kenny, who was holding his face. I’d busted his lip it seemed.
“Go the fuck home, man. Something has you messed up.”
Yeah, you.
I wanted to say it so bad. To scream at him for what he’d been doing to me today. But they were right there.
I couldn’t do it.
I ran.
Like a coward.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
I’d never seen Kyle act so… off.
He wasn’t himself, both Kenny and I seemed certain of that.
I watched his retreating form and frowned a bit. I hadn’t been able to face him all day - still too embarrassed to talk to him much.
I mean.. he had seen everything. And I was just supposed to act normal?
It’s why I’d chosen to chill with Kenny today. Well, that and I was still uneasy about the day prior. I even got to meet his siblings. It was nice - their family was such a change of pace from mine.
There had been way too much happening recently - and I just needed time away. But maybe I was being selfish - clearly there was more going on for everyone. I hadn’t needed to know Kyle for very long to know that the altercation just now was extremely out of character.
I would have to swallow my embarrassment and ask him how he is at school tomorrow.
Little did I know, I wouldn’t get that chance. Kyle wasn’t anywhere to be seen all day. I still hung out with Cartman and Kenny, but his absence made something feel wrong with that atmosphere.
It wasn’t that the other two were hard to be around, but Cartman had lost his primary target for his usual digs. Things were just too quiet.
Just where could he be?
I couldn’t focus enough for my classes today. I have never intentionally skipped by myself - it had never appealed to me.
But how was I supposed to face those two after yesterday? Act like nothing happened?
I couldn’t.
I’d apologize to Kenny later, but I had to solve these emotions first. I spent all day thinking about it.
I knew what I needed to do.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
It was mere minutes away from the end of the school day.
I knew Cartman and Kenny had already left - dealing with something downtown that had caused a C&F call. Stan was also long gone on a secondary mission.. one that actually involved (Y/N)'s twin sibling.
I, like an absolute creep, was stationed across from (Y/N)'s house, watching for their arrival.
I just hoped I was brave enough to do this.
Shit- There they were!
Walking alone today. I needed to move now.
I casually left my hiding spot, staying a fair distance back at first until they got to their door - I reached the end of their pathway and my breath caught in my throat. Would this even be okay?
“(Y/N)..!”
I couldn’t back out now, not when I was this close. I needed to go for it before it was too late.
- - -
I’d heard my name being called. Heard the voice. My eyes widened and I turned around immediately.
Now I could - !!
A sudden impact crashed against me, my back hitting the still unopened door.
I couldn’t speak.
His lips had crashed against mine, and so I closed my eyes - letting it happen.
It wasn’t like I didn’t want it anyway.
But.. what exactly was ‘it’ ? What did this mean?
He pulled away, and my eyes fluttered open again to meet his. A visible flush was spread across his cheeks… I’m sure mine weren’t any better.
“Ky-”
“No- no shut up. Let me speak now before I lose all courage.”
So I did.
“Dude, I love you. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I do.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I attempted to speak up, but he only silenced me again. He apparently wasn’t finished.
“I..I get so mad seeing you getting close to the others, it’s stupid. I know.. but I just- the thought of letting you slip away is too much. Please- tell me now if you don’t want this to go any further before I drive myself mad.”
I waited a couple of moments, ensuring it really was my turn to speak before taking a breath.
God why was I so bad at these things?
Also, fuck eye contact.
“I..” Fuck, how was I supposed to react to this? It all made so much sense now.
“Oh god, Kyle.. I don’t know what to even say right now.” I breathed, fighting my own mind and making myself meet his gaze.
“I’d been so worried you were ashamed of what we did.. I was scared to face you.” I took another breath.
How was that the easy thing to say??
“I.. I want to give this a shot. Let’s do it. I.. I love you too.”