Crystal Ice and Soft Lips

“Tyler, go to lane eight please,” his manager calls without looking up from his paperwork. With a sigh, Tyler drags his feet all the way to lane eight. It’s just his luck to be put in the front.

Tyler works at a grocery store, bagging groceries on Mondays, Wednesdays, and occasional Fridays. It’s an awful job, an awful, awful job.

He attends classes at a local community college on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They are nothing more than the basics; college algebra, a biology class, an intro into American civilizations. Tyler wishes he could start working on classes pertaining to his major, but he has no clue what he wants to do with his life. His mother constantly lectures him for that.

“You’re running out of time,” she tells him, and Tyler slams his bedroom door every single time.

Today is Wednesday. People come to him with boxes of cereal and milk and meat for dinners with fake smiles and bratty children. Every greeting is exactly the same, “Hello, how are you? Did you find everything okay?” and the mothers with their bratty children ignore him and yell at the son that punched his sister. He scans a can of chili, and puts it into a plastic bag, tugging at the collar of his green vest. He hates his job.

It also occurs to Tyler that he lives the most boring life out of anyone he knows. But it’s not like he lives a perfect life, no, Tyler is your average depressed young adult.

The mother yells at her kids again. “Ethan sit down! Jess, do not hit your brother!”

Tyler hands her the receipt and flashes a fake smile. “Have a nice day,” he says, and she ignores him again, using all her weight to shove the full cart towards the exit with her kids still jumping on her legs.

He hates his job.

At 9:30, Tyler clocks out, tosses his tacky green vest over his shoulder and practically runs out of the store to his car. He prays his mother left him some dinner.

Yeah, he still lives with his parents. Tyler’s only 20, but most of his friends are actually away and off living on campuses of universities, leaving him all by himself to be constantly pestered by his parents. He never really wanted to leave home and venture into the real world like all his friends. In fact, it terrified him. Tyler was antisocial and anxious and scared of actually living life.

“Hi,” he calls out to his mother as he passes through the kitchen, tossing his keys onto the counter. She scowls, wiping her hands on a dishrag.

“You’re going to lose your keys one day.” Tyler shrugs.

“Did you make dinner?”

“I did. Leftovers are in the fridge.” he sighs with relief and tugs on the fridge door, a plate of mashed potatoes and chicken covered in saran wrap calling his name. God bless his overprotective mother.

“Mom, you’re the best.”

“I know.” she strings the dishrag through the handle of the oven and leans against the counter. “How was work?”

“The usual.” he busies himself by peeling off the wrap and sticking the plate in the microwave. Two minutes goes on the clock. “I had to deal with cranky people and bratty kids.”

She clucks her tongue. “I sure hope you don’t let your kids get that out of control like that.”

“I won’t. Then again, I’m never having kids.” Tyler leans his head back to smile sheepishly as his mother scowls again.

“You’ll have kids. You’re the oldest and I’m expecting grandbabies.”

“Leave that to Maddy. She actually likes children.” the microwave beeps, and Tyler pulls the plate out and ignores the heat on his fingers. She rolls her eyes.

“Men.”

“Mom. Don’t start.” he shakes his head jokingly, and starts piling mashed potatoes in his mouth.

“You have class tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Starts at noon.” her nose scrunches up in disgust at his full mouth.

“Alright then sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” she ruffles his hair on her way out of the kitchen, and with one more scowl, Tyler goes back to eating his dinner.

The next time he’s at work, Tyler is counting down the minutes until he gets to leave. He’s off at five today, and has to study for a history test when he gets home. Which, of course, sucks.

The store has been pretty slow today; it’s the middle of the day on a Friday, and Tyler has never been happier that he gets off before people start coming in to pick up stuff on their way home from work.

A minute passes. Tyler taps his fingers on the scanner and tries not to look at the clock.

He fails. It’s the same time.

With a sigh, he goes back to tapping. There’s only one other cashier here with him, some person he’s only ever worked with once before. Tyler thinks he must be new or something. All the guests have been going to him because he’s closer. Tyler scowls, and looks back at the clock.

A few minutes pass before a woman comes up to his line with a cartful of groceries, and Tyler immediately perks up. She’s alone too, with no bratty kids to bother him.

“How are you?” he asks her, flashing his fake grin, and she ignores him. Tyler sighs under his breath. Great, another one of those people.

So he scans her groceries, bags them, puts them into her cart for her, just like he’s supposed to. After all, it’s his job. She’s quiet the entire time, staring at the floor with her hands shaking next to her. Tyler pretends not to notice.

He tells her the total, and gives her the go to swipe her card.

The system declines it.

Tyler can see the tears in her eyes now, tears that look like they have been building, and his heart thumps against his ribcage. “Go ahead and try again, sometimes the system can be slow.” with a nod, she tries again. The system declines it once more.

The time, she can’t hold her tears in. Her body shakes and her hands fly out to grab the counter as a heart wrenching sob leaves her lips. Tyler decides to take matters into his own hands.

He flips off his light, ignoring the glares from his manager as he walks around the register. He lays a hand on her shoulder, softly, gently, not wanting to do anything that might upset her. He feels awful for assuming she ignored him simply because she was rude.

Tyler puts his own card into the reader, and buys her groceries for her. He doesn’t care that it’s two hundred dollars less in his bank account, doesn’t care at all, because now her tears aren’t just for whatever she was upset about, they’re from happiness.

Then he walks her out to her car and helps put her groceries in the trunk. Neither say a word; neither need to. She pulls him into a hug after that.

“Thank you,” she whispers, “thank you so, so much.”

“I’m happy I could help,” he whispers back, “are you going to be okay?”

The woman pulls away. She’s older, middle aged, with blonde hair and crinkly eyes. Tyler can tell that she’s studying him. “How would you like a job?”

His brow furrows, thumb already pointing back at the store when she catches herself.

“A new job. I’m looking for a caregiver. Oh. My name is Laura. Laura Dun.” she squints, reading his nametag in the sunlight. “Tyler, is it?”

“Uh, yeah. I don’t-”

“My husband and I, we’ve looked everywhere. You’re kind, you’re caring, you’re young. Please, we can get together to discuss it further. I know this is probably a lot, some stranger flinging herself at you, but I’m desperate.”

He looks at her, looks back at the grocery store he despises so much, and back at her. He has no clue what compels him to say yes. “Alright, yeah. We can do that. I’m telling you now though, I don’t have any caregiving experience.”

Her smile is bright. “Perfect.”

They exchange numbers and information, and decide to meet on Sunday for a proper interview. Tyler can’t believe it.

“Someone asked me to be their caregiver today at work,” he tells his mom later that evening, stealing a slice of carrot she’s cutting for chicken noodle soup. She narrows her eyes at him.

“If you eat them all now, you’ll have none for dinner.”

“Sorry.”

A laugh. “So they asked you out of the blue? You have no experience to be a caregiver.”

“I know. That’s what I said. But she said that was okay. I have an interview on Sunday.” Tyler steals another carrot, and his mother slaps the top of his hand, flashing him another playful glare.

“I hope things work out for you then.”

“Me too.”

Sunday morning comes, and Tyler finds himself outside a normal suburban household. He checks the address once more, just to make sure it’s the right place.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but this looks like something he’d find in his neighbourhood. It calms him enough to knock on their front door.

Laura opens it, her smile just as bright as their exchange on Friday (minus all the tears.) “Tyler! I am so happy you’re here. Come on in!” the door widens, and Tyler walks through, his fingers wrapped so tightly around his car keys he thinks he might bruise his skin. Their living room is homey, with a fading sofa and recliner and many, many pictures of their family. He doesn’t look around though, only plops onto the couch and looks at the mother that asked him to be her son’s caregiver. He’s nervous. Why is he nervous?

She sits across from him, on the bricks that jut out from the fireplace. “So, tell me about yourself.”

“Uhm,” he rolls his palms across his knees, beads of sweat already starting to gather on his forehead. “My name is Tyler Joseph. I am 20 years old and currently undecided in school. I don’t have much of an idea for my future, and my hobbies are limited to playing music and procrastinating on my homework.”

“What do you play?”

“Piano mostly. A little bit of ukulele. It’s kinda like a tiny guitar, but with different strings.”

“Oh, how fascinating! I’ve never heard of that. My son loves music too.” she tilts her head, still studying him. “Do you like your classes?”

“They’re okay.”

“Live nearby?”

“Yeah actually, like ten or fifteen minutes.”

“Oh, fantastic. Now, I wanted to talk to you about what you’d be doing, and about your pay.” he wants to stop her right there, because pay is one of the most uncomfortable things to talk about, and Tyler wants to temporize as much as possible. But he doesn’t, and she continues. “My son, his name is Josh, he had a bit of an accident about a year ago. It was pretty bad, and left us in a lot of debt from hospital bills, therapy sessions... that kind of stuff. My husband became our primary source of income and I took a leave of absence to take care of him. But we’re struggling, and I really need another set of hands around here.”

“So... I’d be the babysitter? Make food, do laundry, that kind of stuff?”

“Yeah, sort of. I mean, you’d be his primary caretaker, tend to his needs. He can do some things on his own, but he’s... well...” she sighs, her eyes falling to her fraying blue jeans. “The accident was hard on him. He hasn’t been the same since.”

He wants to ask what happened, but Tyler keeps his mouth shut. He’s sure he’ll learn.

“Anywho, we’ll take things slow. I don’t want to overwhelm you. As for pay-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tyler interrupts, and he’s really not thinking. Something tells him this job will be more important than pay. “Whatever works for you.”

“Oh heavens no, if you make more at your old job-”

“I hated my old job.” he smiles. “I’d much rather do this one.”

“Oh Tyler, you really are a gift from above.” then she’s hugging him, and he’s hugging her, and Tyler realizes that maybe she’s a gift from above too.

She says, “you wanna go meet Josh?”

“Of course,” Tyler replies. He’s expecting a little kid with maybe some broken bones, someone he won’t have to take care of forever, just until the kid can get back on his feet. Tyler never expects to be around forever.

But when they push into a bedroom and Tyler sees a grown man lying in bed, he realizes that this is more than a couple broken bones. Josh lays on top of his comforter, in a white tee and black sweatpants cinched at the ankles. He’s attractive, that’s a given, with pale skin, dark hair, a nose piercing, and the beginning of a tattoo sleeve that Tyler can’t see much of from his side of the room.

He also hides his eyes behind a set of thick sunglasses.

Oh, Tyler thinks, and it all makes sense. Accident. Josh was blind.

“Honey,” Laura’s voice is soft. “I have Tyler with me. He’s the one I was telling you about. He’s going to be taking care of you.”

Josh doesn’t reply. Tyler stares.

He feels her elbow in his side, and Tyler stumbles over his words. “Oh, uhm, hi Josh.”

Josh still doesn’t reply. His mother clears her throat.

“Alright, well, I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll go make some sandwiches. Josh, sweetie, do you have a preference?” when her question is met with silence, she nods her head and slowly begins to tiptoe back out the door. “I’ll surprise you then.”

Things are awkward. Josh doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and Tyler remains frozen with his feet nailed to the floor. He wants Laura to come back, he wants her to tell him more about his job, because right now, he has no clue what is going on.

“So, uhm. Josh.” Tyler moves cautiously, his skin tingling like Josh is watching him. “I’m Tyler. But I, uh, guess you knew that.” Still nothing. Tyler wonders if he’s asleep. “I’m gonna be here to help you while your parents are at work.”

“I don’t need help.” his voice sticks out like a sore thumb, rich and thick like melted dark chocolate. It takes Tyler by surprise, and he jumps back from the bed. “I’m not five. I can take care of things myself. So run along and tell my mom that I don’t need you.”

He can feel his nose turning red. “I’m only gonna be here when you need me.”

“I don’t need you at all. I’m not paralyzed.” Josh grunts as he pushes himself up, his hand flying out for his bedside table, for familiarity, if Tyler had to guess. “Just leave me alone.”

Tyler wants to say more, he wants to say so much more, but he doesn’t want to push it. He works for Josh now, and if Josh wants him to leave, than so be it. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll go.”

Laura is surprised to see Tyler so quickly. He leans back, resting his elbows on the counter. She shoots him a worried look from where she’s hunched over the stovetop making grilled cheese. “Lemme guess. He kicked you out.”

“Bingo,” Tyler sighs. “Are you sure I’m the best fit? Shouldn’t he like, be there to-”

“No, you are. I know you are. Josh is angry with the world, and he would have fought us until his last breath. He still will.” she leans over to turn off the stovetop and huffs. “You’re patient. You have to be, working in a grocery store.” Tyler shrugs. She’s not wrong. “He needs a friend. After the accident...”

“You don’t have to talk about it. It’s personal.” he can see that she’s getting teary eyed. Tyler supposes he would to, if his child’s whole life was turned upside down.

“No, no, you should know. There’s a lot you should know before you start your real first day. He...” she trails off, staring into space. Tyler waits patiently. “Josh traveled a lot, after he graduated. I’m assuming you two are close to the same age? He turned 21 in June.”

He nods. “Yeah. 21 in December.”

She smiles. “He didn’t want to go to college, and we respected his decision. He wanted to travel with some friends of his, playing music. Josh called me every single day; he was happy, we were happy, and then there was a car accident. It was bad. One of them lost their lives, there were all kinds of broken bones and scars, and Josh...” the tears start falling. They are soft and gentle. “He sustained a pretty terrible head injury. The doctors told us he’d get better in a few months, but he didn’t. It only got worse, and it keeps getting more worse. He doesn’t want to do anything now, no matter what we do. And I understand, it’s hard on him, it’s hard on us, but he... he needs a friend. All his friends, the people that toured with him, they don’t talk to him anymore. They left him. We’ve tried everything, but Josh has so much pride that he refuses any help sent his way. But I know he needs help, because he can’t live out the rest of his life in his childhood bedroom.”

Tyler sighs. His heart pounds against his ribcage and all he can think is how horrible that must have been. “Any siblings?” he scoots closer to take her hand out of support, to which Laura sniffs and squeezes his own back.

“Oh uh, yes. Ashley and Abby, and then Jordan is the youngest. They’re all at school right now. But they’ve been a lot of help. They’re nice to him, which is the biggest help I could get.”

“I’m gonna be here now to help you guys, okay? I’m going to make sure Josh is okay.”

“I know. I’ve known since the minute I saw you.” she uses her sleeve to wipe away tears and lets out a small laugh. “Sorry for being so emotional. It’s been a year and I’m still getting teary eyed about this.”

“It’s okay.” Tyler gestures to the sandwiches still in the pan. “I can take that up to him, if you want.”

“Sure.” she helps slide them onto plates, and pours Josh a glass of milk. “He’ll warm up, I promise. You two have a lot in common.”

He doesn’t know how to answer, so Tyler only smiles, takes Josh’s food, and heads back up the stairs. It’s weird, being in a stranger’s home, taking care of a stranger who doesn’t like him one bit. And Tyler knows it’s only his first day, but things aren’t starting out on a good foot.

Josh’s position is pretty much the same when Tyler pokes his head into the room, except he’s curled on his side. Tyler gets a much better view of his tattoo sleeve. It’s a tree, with swirling greens and blues and oranges. Tyler loves it.

“Uhm, hey, I’m sorry to bother you again, but I have food for you.”

When Josh doesn’t answer, Tyler sets it down on his bedside table, the one he had reached out for minutes earlier. “Grilled cheese and milk.”

“Thanks,” Josh mutters, and it’s quiet and directed more towards his pillow then Tyler. He reaches out, fingers gentle as they find familiar surroundings. Tyler manages to catch the glass before milk plummets to the carpet.

The silence in the room is deafening as Josh scoots farther up the bed, his hands shaking, tears starting to fall from underneath his sunglasses. Tyler pretends not to notice, only hands Josh his food.

“Thank you,” he says again, and this time, Tyler knows he means it.

Later that evening, Tyler’s parents sit in the living room, his father watching some game show while his mother works on knitting a scarf. It’s a bright blue.

“Where’s everyone else?” he asks as he drops down onto the sofa. His dad grunts.

“Zack is at a friend’s house, Jay is upstairs, and Maddy is... somewhere.” She doesn’t look up from her scarf. “Hey, how’d the job interview go?”

“Wasn’t much of an interview. I already have the job.”

An eyeroll. “Tyler, don’t be a jerk.”

“Sorry. But Mom, this guy, I was expecting like a 12 year old. He’s my age.”

That catches both his parents attention. His father turns off the television. “What?”

“He got in a car accident. His brain got damaged and now he’s blind. His mom wants to go back to work so I’d be the one taking care of him. His name is Josh. He’s kind of an asshole.”

“Watch your mouth,” his mother warns.

“Why don’t they get him a service dog or something?”

“He won’t leave his room. I think he’s afraid.”

“I’d be scared too.” she shrugs, and goes back to her knitting. “It’s good that you’re there then. You think you’ll like it?”

“He hates me,” mumbles Tyler.

Dad snorts. “He doesn’t hate you.”

“Nah Dad, he hates me.”

“Alright then. He hates you.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Tyler, go do something else.” Mom interrupts, shoeing Tyler out of the room with a hand. With a sigh, he sulks out of the room and heads upstairs.

He has research to do.

The next time he goes to the Dun household is Wednesday morning. It’s his first official day on the job, and Mrs. Dun is absolutely frantic.

“I have to be at work in an hour,” she explains as she darts around the house. Tyler follows her. “I left a list of emergency contacts on the fridge. My number and my husband’s as well as all of my other kid’s numbers. They’ll be home around three, but I should be home before then ‘cause I’m only working a half day, but just in case I’m not. I’ll call you if that’s the case.” she pauses in the living room so suddenly Tyler almost crashes into her and swings around. “All of Josh’s medicines are on the kitchen counter. Make sure he takes them; he only needs one of each. Make sure he’s fed, and he may need help getting to the bathroom to shower, just, whatever he needs. He’ll let you know. And if he ignores you, please call me. I’ll smack some sense into him.”

“Sure, yeah,” Tyler nods, trying to repeat everything she just said in his head.

“Make yourself feel at home. There’s snacks in the pantry, soda in the garage. If you need anything, call me. I’ll have my phone on me at all times.”

He blinks. “Sure.”

With a sigh of relief, she swings her purse over her shoulder. “Thank you again Tyler. I’ll see you later.” she smiles, the door slams shut, and Tyler is left alone. He takes a few deep breaths. He can do this. It’s not even that hard of a job, he’s just helping someone out.

All he has to do is convince Josh to like him.

After gathering Josh’s medicine and a glass of water, he heads up the stairs slowly, noting that the third one creaks. He stands outside of Josh’s door, and takes another deep breath before pushing in.

Surprisingly, Josh is awake. He’s sitting up, humming along to a song Tyler recognizes playing from his phone. He looks towards the door when it creaks open.

“Mom?”

“Tyler, actually.”

Josh huffs. “Great. Lemme guess, she left.”

“Yeah. You’re stuck with me for a few hours.” Tyler pads across the carpet and sets down the water. “Here, I got your medicine.” He takes Josh’s hand and softly slides the pills into his palm. When Josh reluctantly puts them in his mouth, Tyler hands him the water to chug down.

They are both quiet for a few seconds, the only noise from the music on Josh’s phone. Tyler clears his throat. “So... what do you want to do today?”

Josh scoffs. “Get out.”

“Afraid I can’t do that. I’m sort of getting paid to take care of you.”

“Well, it’s a waste of money. I don’t need help. I’m perfectly fine doing everything by myself.”

Tyler snorts. “Oh yeah? Alright. Prove it.” It is then he realizes how insincere his remark was when Josh feels for the edge of his bed.

“Fuck you man. Don’t tell a blind guy to prove anything.”

“Sorry, sorry.” he slaps his forehead and hovers his hands in front of Josh, who stands up and steadies himself. “That was mean. Just, please, let me help, with anything. I’m only here if you really need it.”

“I don’t need any fucking help.” Josh shakes his head again and takes a step forward, his hands still out in front of him. Tyler sighs.

“Don’t you have like a walking stick or something? Anything that can help you not run into walls?”

“Stop talking to me.”

“Dude, please. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

Josh runs right into his dresser. He grunts, runs his hands down the drawers, and pulls open the first one he feels. “I’m going to shower.”

Tyler’s eyes widen. This guy can’t be serious. “Josh, that sounds awfully dangerous. What does your mom usually-”

“You aren’t my mother! Shut up!” he yells, hands flying up to tug on long hair. Josh rips off his sunglasses, tosses them somewhere, and rubs at the tears falling from his eyes. “I don’t even know you. Please, just stop trying.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says back, frozen to his spot. He feels awful. “Will you at least, like, take a bath? So you don’t slip and fall?”

“Whatever, just get out.” Josh sniffs again, and waves his hand. Tyler nods, and goes across the hall to start a bath. He lines up the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all in a line, just so Josh knows which is which.

Then Tyler waits.

He can hear Josh fumbling around in his room, and it breaks his heart. All he wants to do is lead the guy across the hall, help him get clothes, help him with anything and everything. He feels awful. The door opens, there’s a shuffle of footsteps, and Josh enters the bathroom. By the scowl that comes out of Josh’s mouth, he knows Tyler is in here.

“You can get out of here too.”

“Sure, yeah. I uh, lined up the soaps and stuff. Shampoo first, conditioner, then the wash. From right to left. And I’ll get you a towel.”

“Great. Please leave.” Tyler nods, reaches under the sink to pull out a towel (it’s his first guess, because that’s where his family keeps them, and he’s thrilled when that’s the right place) and sets it gently within Josh’s reach.

Then he leaves, and sits outside the bathroom door. Tyler sighs. He really hopes Josh lets him do something, because as much as it would be great to be getting paid to do nothing, the morality of the situation was not. He had to do something for this day to count, or for any day to count.

Fortunately, Josh’s bath goes smoothly, and Tyler can hear the water draining and the sounds of Josh moving around. Tyler stands up, his ear resting against the door.

“Dammit!” Josh shouts. Tyler steps away and blinks.

“Josh?” he calls back.

“Fuck!” Josh replies.

“What?”

“I dropped my towel in the water. Can you-” he pauses with a groan, “the door is unlocked. Just be fast.”

Relief floods over Tyler’s body, and he is fast to open the door. He doesn’t look, doesn’t think about looking at Josh, who is naked and pressed against the back wall. His face, however, turns bright red as he ducks down and pulls out another towel. He shoves it into Josh’s open hand.

“Anything else?”

Josh sighs. “Make sure my clothes match.”

“Okay!” Tyler is giddy. Josh is actually letting him do stuff, this job isn’t going to be a waste after all! Thank god, he thinks, flying into Josh’s bedroom. He examines all the drawers, noting what draw contains which, and decides on some joggers and a band shirt. Tyler smiles as he runs the material through his fingers.

You two have so much in common.

“What, are you blind too? Jesus, hurry up!” Josh shouts from the bathroom, annoyance in his tone. Tyler’s smile falls, and he grabs a random pair of boxers before returning to the bathroom.

Josh is definitely not out of scowls, producing another loud one. He practically rips his clothes out of Tyler’s hands, and Tyler leaves again.

Tyler wonders if this is how it’s always going to be.

He really hopes not.

Josh stumbles in a few minutes later, with his shirt on backwards. Tyler keeps his mouth shut, but watches him shuffle across the carpet, his hands still out in front of him. When he feels the bed, he rolls onto it with a grunt and sighs.

“You want me to leave?” Tyler asks.

“Tempting,” Josh replies. He scoots up the bed and sighs again. “Can you get me my sunglasses? Please.”

“Sure, yeah.” he tosses them, only to remember Josh can’t see. They bounce off the edge of the bed and onto the floor.

“Hey buddy, did you forget I’m blind?” he scoffs. Tyler blushes again.

“Right. Sorry.” this time, he sets them in Josh’s hands.

“Thanks.” a pause. “My clothes match, right?”

Tyler chuckles into his hands and moves to sit on the bed. He watches Josh closely, testing the waters, to see if he’ll yell or send Tyler away. Fortunately, he does neither of those things. Tyler sits cross legged and leans forward on his elbows. “Yeah, they match. Black joggers and your MCR shirt.”

Josh smiles, freakin’ smiles, and shakes his head. “You like My Chemical Romance?”

“Yeah,” Tyler nods. “They’re great. The Black Parade was a work of art.”

“Cancer is my favourite song off that album.” he takes a deep breath through his nose. “It makes me think.”

“It’s a good one,” Tyler agrees. He watches Josh, studies him, his little habits and movements. He has sturdy arms and such a beautiful smile.

Tyler shakes his head. Josh is work, and work only. He needs a friend.

“Is my shirt on backwards?” he feels the front, then the back, and groans. “Of course.” Josh’s shirt is off before Tyler can comprehend what is going on, and his head reels. Oh god, Josh has such a nice body, stop looking, stop looking, stop looking!!!

“Better?” he directs it towards Tyler as a question, but Tyler is slow, and still in shock.

“Yeah,” he nods slowly, forcing himself to look down at the black and white comforter. “Can I do anything else, or do you want me to leave?”

Silence. Tyler picks at loose threads. Josh is a statue, solid like marble, unmoving.

And then, “What color is your hair?”

“Brown,” replies Tyler without question.

“Are your eyes brown too?”

“Yep.”

Josh chuckles. “So you basically look like me.”

“Two brown haired, brown eyed boys.”

“Would people see us and think we’re related?”

“Nah.”

“Hmm. Any tattoos?”

“I have three black lines on my wrist and one black band around my left arm. I’m working on getting some more.”

A nod. “I think I have some general vision of what you look like in my head. I’m sort of just seeing you as, like, some really punk dude.”

Tyler snorts. “I am far from punk. I play ukulele and piano. Not punk.”

Josh freezes. “No way! I play drums! Or, played. Haven’t touched them since before the accident.”

“Your mom said you traveled.”

“Yeah. I was in a band with some friends of mine. We traveled throughout the midwest, playing to whoever would listen. It was the most alive I’ve ever felt. And now my life is over.” he scoffs, and bunches the top of his comforter in his hands. “I’m sorry for being a jerk. I just hate how much of a burden I’ve been on my parents because of that stupid car accident. We were never even supposed to be on that fucking highway in the first place.”

“I’m so sorry Josh.” Tyler doesn’t look up.

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “Me too.”

The rest of the day is quiet. Tyler makes Josh a grilled cheese sandwich, and sits with him while he eats it. After that, Josh takes a nap, and Tyler moves to the living room to wait for Mrs. Dun. She never called, which he isn’t really sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.

So he scrolls through his Twitter feed absentmindedly to kill time.

The minute she’s through the front door, she’s on Tyler. “Was he good? Was he an asshole? God I hope not. Oop, sorry for saying that.”

Tyler grins. “It’s fine. He was good. Josh is sleeping.”

Laura sighs with relief. “Oh thank heavens. Thank you so much Tyler. It felt so nice to get back to work and know my son is in good hands.”

“I’m glad to be able to help.”

“I have another half day on Friday, and then next week I start full time. You think you’ll be okay? The rest of the kids will be home before I get back, but they’ll stay out of your way.” she pauses. “You have classes in the mornings, right?”

“Just Tuesdays and Thursdays. They’re first thing in the morning.”

“Phew. Okay, we can make this work.”

“Yeah. We can make this work.”

When Friday comes, Tyler realizes that he’s actually looking forward to seeing Josh again. They really might be getting somewhere.

He gets there even earlier this time, just to give Mrs. Dun a bit more time to get ready. She’s rushing around just like the previous morning, shoving things into her purse and cleaning off counters. Tyler sits on a stool at the island and waits for further instruction. He hates seeing her so stressed out and hopes that this really does work out, and that he’ll have a chance to do some good.

“Thank you again, Tyler,” she shouts over her shoulder as she disappears into the living room and returns with a handful of empty water bottles that land in the trash can with a heavy thud. “I know I keep saying that but I mean it.”

“Of course,” he nods, “anything new I need to do today?”

“Just make sure he’s doing okay. He can tell you what he needs. I trust you two. Maybe you just a little bit more.” Mrs. Dun chuckles at her comment before pointing to the fridge. “Contacts are up there. Give him his medicine. You’ll be fine. If you need me call.”

“Sure thing.” Tyler continues sitting with his hands in his lap until the door slams shut, and then he’s scampering up the stairs to Josh’s room.

He knocks first, out of courtesy, and when he hears Josh’s familiar voice, sighs with relief. He’s actually getting somewhere with this guy.

Josh is sitting up with his phone balanced on his knee. He’s playing music again, another song that Tyler recognizes.

“Tyler?”

“Yep.”

Josh scoffs. “Right.”

Tyler smiles. “What do you want to do today?”

With a sigh, Josh flops back against his bed. “What, just because I was nice to you once you think we’re best friends?”

“Well, no.” he backs off. “I was just-”

“I don’t do things. I sit on my bed, and I don’t leave. I haven’t left my room in a year, and I don’t plan on leaving.” Josh is quiet. Tyler is quiet. He moves to sit at the end of Josh’s bed.

Josh continues. “Look, I’m sure you’re a really great person and all. My mom seems to really like you. But I can’t risk it. That accident ruined me. I don’t have any friends now. I can’t afford to have friends now. I won’t be able to do anything for the rest of my life. I can’t drive, I can’t read, I can’t even walk across the fucking street.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Tyler says softly. Josh begins to cry. He tries to hide it, his hand outstretched, feeling for his sunglasses on the nightstand. His fingers curl around them tightly.

“I don’t want to have to rely on people for everyday things. I’m stressed all the time, and I’m the fucking reason my parents are drowning in debt. I can’t even get a real job without having to go through all this crap because I’m quote, ‘disabled.’ And then, how the hell am I actually supposed to do anything without seeing?” he runs a hand through his hair harshly. “It’s better for me not to do anything. I’m so much of a burden that my mom had to hire some random stranger so she could bring in money again.”

“She only wants what’s best for you-”

“How would you know? You don’t know me. You don’t know my family. So please, just get out and leave me alone.”

Tyler leaves.

An hour passes. Tyler organizes Josh’s medicines, pushes around orange and pink and white pills around on the countertop. He hears the door open upstairs, hears it slam.

Another hour passes. Tyler cleans the counters and fixes the couch cushions in the living room. He wants to talk to Josh, but can’t find the words to say. He doesn’t know the words to say. Josh is right. Tyler doesn’t know him.

One more hour passes. Tyler makes turkey and cheese sandwiches, hoping he can make things a little less awkward with lunch.

That is, until he hears a very loud thud that stops his heart.

Tyler is upstairs in seconds, tripping over his own socked feet to get to Josh’s room. When he finds it empty, he turns towards the bathroom, and finds Josh on his back, his breathing rough and choppy like the waves of a storm.

“Oh my god,” Tyler drops to his knees, his hands gentle, calm, as he helps the brunette sit up. Josh rubs the back of his head, his hand coming back sticky with blood. Tyler sighs. “Okay, I’m gonna get a washcloth.”

Josh doesn’t say anything as Tyler wets the washcloth and holds it to the back of his head. He doesn’t move as Tyler dabs blood away.

“What happened?”

“I slipped.” Josh’s voice is barely above a whisper.

Tyler sighs. “Okay, let’s get you back to bed.” Josh holds onto his forearm, and together they pad across the hall. Tyler realizes how fragile Josh is. He tries to be tough, and Tyler understands why.

He understands why.

Josh sits down, still holding the washcloth to the back of his head. His sunglasses hide any trace of emotion, the only exception his quivering lip.

“I have your medicine downstairs. I’ll add some painkillers, see if that helps. Oh, and I made you a turkey sandwich, if you want that.”

Josh sniffs. “Can you put lettuce and mustard on it?”

“Of course. I’ll be right back.” Tyler is quick, he knows he has to be with Josh constantly changing moods. He knows he can’t be mad though. He knows he has to be patient.

With a gentle tap to Josh’s knee, Tyler sets the plate down in front of Josh, and slides the pills into his palm. “Take those. I’m going to see if you’re still bleeding.”

Josh doesn’t fight. Tyler is thankful.

While he gulps his pills, Tyler runs his fingertips over dried blood and sighs. “You got a pretty hefty scab, but it’ll heal. You can wash the blood out of your hair later.”

“Thank you,” he murmurs. Tyler touches Josh’s hand again, this time leading him to his sandwich.

“Eat,” demands Tyler, and Josh fortunately does. Neither speak until Josh has eaten his entire sandwich and gently nudged his plate out of the way. He reaches sideways, his body relaxing when his hand touches Tyler’s knee.

“I’m sorry for being such a dick,” he says. Tyler settles his own hand on top of Josh’s.

“It’s okay.”

Monday is Tyler’s first full day.

He comes over at 8 am Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and leaves at 4. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he comes over after class gets out, and even though that means Laura has to go in later, she’s okay with that. He doesn’t work on the weekends, and they tell him that if he needs a day off or time to study, they are perfectly okay with that too.

Monday is the day Tyler finally gets to meet Mr. Dun. He’s a quiet man that gives Tyler a small smile and shakes his hand proudly.

“Thank you,” he says, and there’s enough in those two words that Tyler knows he means so much more.

Josh is quiet, but he isn’t mean. He lays in his pajamas and taps his fingers on his chest. Tyler opens the curtains to let some light shine through when Josh groans.

“Close the curtains.”

Tyler turns around. “How did you-”

“I can still recognize light. Shut them.”

“No. You need Vitamin D.” the bed creaks when Tyler sits at the end of it. “What’s your favourite shirt?”

Josh sighs. “I have no reason to change clothes.”

The bed creaks again, and Josh grumbles as Tyler ventures over to his dresser. “Are you going through my clothes?”

“No,” Tyler lies, pulling open the shirt drawer. He pulls out a black tee with white folded sleeves. “I found a good shirt.”

“I’m not changing clothes.”

“Yes you are. You have to be ready for the day.” Tyler grabs a pair of khaki joggers and brings them to Josh. “Here. I got you comfortable stuff.”

Josh sighs. “Fine.” he pulls off his shirt, and once again Tyler looks away, his face blossoming into more shades of red. “Make sure I don’t put it on backwards, okay?”

“Yep,” Tyler squeaks. He looks up right as Josh slides on the shirt, and his blush deepens.

“Good?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’m gonna take off my pants. Don’t be a perv.” Josh shakes his head jokingly as he sticks his hand out for Tyler to help him off the bed. Tyler then stands in the window while Josh changes. “Alright, I’m good.”

“Cool. Anything you want to do today?”

“Nope.” Josh settles back down on his bed and goes back to tapping his fingers on his chest. Tyler sits next to him, propping the pillow to lean against. Josh’s fingers don’t stop jittering, and Tyler watches him move. Somehow, he makes everything seem a thousand times more interesting than it actually is.

“You know, you really aren’t using me to my full potential. You could have me doing anything. I work for you.”

He chuckles. “If I told you to do a handstand, would you?”

“Sure. I’d probably snap my neck or something.”

“It’s not like I’d be able to see. You could lie.”

“I won’t lie to you.”

Josh sniffs, runs his fingers along his stubble. It’s obvious it’s been awhile since he’s shaved. “Hey, uhm, would it be weird if I uh, touched your face?”

Tyler blinks. “Uhm-”

“Sorry. That’s weird. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind.” he scoots closer, and maneuvers Josh’s hand to his jaw. Tyler’s eyes snap shut, and he holds his breath.

Josh is soft and compassionate running fingers along Tyler’s jaw, sliding them across stubble and padding against his cheekbones. “Nice five o’clock shadow. Do you usually shave?”

“No,” Tyler replies, “I’m lazy.” Josh snorts and continues. His fingers trace over ears, thread through hair. A thumb slides over an eyebrow, down the bridge of a nose, touches chapped lips. Tyler doesn’t breathe.

“Jeez, you’re so symmetrical.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “As if.”

“It’s true.” he sighs and settles back into bed. “Thank you for that. It means a lot.”

“Anytime.”

A week passes. Nothing much changes, but Josh really seems to be warming up to having Tyler around. He starts asking him for help, they have conversations about music, about Josh’s time on the road.

“I wanted to be as intimidating as possible,” Josh told him. “Dyed hair, piercings, a full tattoo sleeve. As you can see, I didn’t get very far.” He laughs it off, even though Tyler can tell it pains him.

Even so, Tyler has to admit: it’s so nice having a friend to talk to.

Josh’s siblings seem to like him a lot to, or at least, don’t mind his presence. His sisters stay out of Tyler’s way, only bothering him if he looks confused or needs help. Jordan watches Tyler from afar most days.

Tyler’s mother complains.

“You’re basically working a full time job,” she says as she slices strawberries. Tyler sits at the counter watching her make a strawberry cheesecake with his chin resting in his palm. “You’re a student Tyler, I don’t think you should be over there as much as you are.”

“Mom, I’m getting all my studying done and stuff. I have plenty of time to do homework over at his place and here. I’m fine.”

“What about next semester when your classes change?”

“Then I’ll discuss it with Mrs. Dun. Mom, I actually like this job. I like Josh, and I like his entire family.”

She pauses, shooting Tyler a look as she dumps her bowl of strawberries into the mixer. “Are you in love with that boy?”

He groans. “Moooooom!”

“No, I get it. It’s a major step up from cashiering. Just, please don’t get attached. You don’t know where you’re going to be in the next year or so. Are they paying you good?”

“Yeah, the pay is fine. You don’t need to worry so much.”

His mother sighs. “I know sweetheart, but I still get worried about you. You’re my little boy. Sometimes I can’t admit to myself that you’re all grown up.”

“I can,” Zack interrupts as he shuffles into the kitchen and slides into the stool next to Tyler. “When are you moving out? I want the bedroom to myself.”

“Zack!” she scolds him, pointing with a spoon.

“I’m never moving out,” Tyler tells his brother with a smirk. Zack rolls his eyes and dips his finger in the cheesecake batter, ducking out of the spoon swinging towards him.

“Get out of the kitchen.” she points out, and he leaves with his finger in his mouth. Tyler traces patterns in the island surface.

“Promise me you’re not going to live here forever.”

Tyler laughs. “I promise.”

“Wanna help me shave?” is the first thing Josh says when Tyler enters his bedroom. Tyler blinks.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Haven’t shaved in like a month. Probably a good idea. Usually my dad helps me, but it’s been... awkward, for me to ask I guess. So now that I have a servant to do everything for me, you have to help me shave.”

Tyler scoffs. “I’m going to accidentally cut you with the razor.”

“That’s domestic abuse. You can’t do that to a blind guy.” Josh smiles, and throws his hands out. “Walk me to the bathroom please.”

“Sure,” Tyler nods, guiding Josh’s hands to his bicep. They walk across the hall, where Tyler sits Josh down on the closed toilet seat lid. “You have an electric razor?”

“Yep. It’s behind the mirror. You think I should stand over the sink or-”

“That sounds dangerous. I’ll just, uh, put a towel over you and call it good.”

“Sounds like a plan.” The towel is orange. Tyler tells Josh this as he drapes it over his front and plugs the razor in.

“Don’t move,” he commands, and Josh obeys with a short nod. They are quiet after that, Tyler focusing on not nicking Josh’s skin, and Josh on not moving. The razor leaves a buzz in the air.

“My mom asked me if I liked having you around the other day,” Josh murmurs. He’s wary, like he’s deciding whether or not to disturb the peace they’ve created.

“Yeah?” Tyler asks, the tip of his tongue poking through his teeth. He brushes some of Josh’s beard hairs off his face. “What’d you say?”

“I said I liked having you around.” Josh clears his throat. “You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be you know. Could of just shaved over the floor and swept it up.”

“Oh come on dude, that’s gross.”

“No it’s not. I used to shave over carpet. Then you can just vacuum.”

Tyler pretends to vomit. “That’s even grosser.”

Josh chuckles, his hand bunching up a section of the towel. “You’re crazy man.”

“Not as crazy as you.” a pause. “If it means anything, I like being around you too.” The razor clicks off, and Josh goes to feel his face.

“Thank you. It means everything.”

And Tyler knows he’s not just talking about the shave.

It’s raining today. Tyler keeps the curtains closed and brings his books with him into Josh’s bedroom. He sits on the floor, papers spread around him haphazardly.

“What are you doing?” Josh asks. He’s laying on his bed, his fingers tap tap tapping on his chest.

“Studying. I have a history test tomorrow.”

“Oh. Over what?”

“Early American civilizations. You know, like the Aztecs and Mayans.”

“Hmm.” Josh clucks his tongue. “Sounds boring.”

“It is,” agrees Tyler without looking up from his books. Josh is quiet for a minute and a half.

“Is it raining outside?”

“Yep.”

“You know you’ve almost been here a month?”

Tyler looks up. “Really? Wow. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.” With a sigh, he stuffs his papers back into his textbook and slams it shut, flopping onto his back for nothing more than dramatic effect. “That’s enough studying for today.”

“Oh thank god. I was beginning to wonder if you would pay any attention to me at all.” Tyler scoffs, causing Josh to sit up. “I’m serious!”

“Do you need something? Hungry? Wanna take a shower or something?”

“No, I just want you to talk to me.” he pauses. “And some food wouldn’t be bad.”

“Okay. What do you want? I think your mom said you had pizza rolls in the freezer.” Tyler pushes himself off the carpet, straightens his shirt, and heads towards the door when Josh stumbles off the bed.

“Wait! Wait!” he trips, and Tyler steadies him with confusion in his features.

“What?”

“I wanna, uh, comedownwithyou.” his sentence jumbles together and Tyler blinks.

“What?”

“I want to come downstairs. With you. Like, down in the kitchen.”

“...Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Josh swallows nervously. “It’s been awhile. I just think...well, I uhm, think it would be good for me?” his voice rises at the end, like he’s not quite sure if he means it. Tyler shrugs, but he can’t hide the smile rising to his lips.

“Alright then. We’ll go slow.” he moves Josh’s hand to his bicep, and leads him down the hall. The only place he’s ever led Josh was across the hall to the bathroom, and everything about this feels weird. You’re going the wrong way!! He feels his body tell him, especially with Josh’s nails digging into his arm.

Josh stumbles.

“You’re okay,” Tyler whispers. Josh nods.

They take the stairs slowly, one by one, and all Tyler can think of is making sure he’s doing this right, this, this caregiver thing, and to make sure Josh doesn’t tumble down the stairs.

When they finally reach the end of their journey, Josh feels his hand around the end of the railing and lets out a short chuckle. “Holy cow.”

“When’s the last time you came down here?”

“A year ago.” he takes a step forward, and another. “The front door, right?”

“Yeah,” Tyler is grinning now. “And to your left?”

“The kitchen... the right is the living room.” Josh shakes his head in exasperation once Tyler gives him affirmation. “Funny the things I can remember.” he sighs, but the smile is still bold across his face. “You said we had pizza rolls, right?”

“Yeah. How many you want?”

“All of ‘em.”

Tyler scoffs. “You’re going to make yourself so sick.”

“Guess you’ll have to help me eat them, huh?” Tyler only shakes his head.

Later that day, the two of them are in the living room, Josh draped across the couch and Tyler on the floor. They’ve been talking for two hours straight now; Tyler has learned all kinds of things about Josh, and told Josh all kinds of things about himself.

“I got diagnosed with clinical depression when I was a teenager,” Tyler told him, leaning backwards to lay on his back. The carpet tickles the back of his neck. “We tried talk therapy, but that was utter bullshit. I’ve been on antidepressants ever since. I have no clue if they actually work, it could be placebo, but sometimes I don’t care, and sometimes I’m embarrassed that medicine is the only thing keeping me like everyone else.” He sighed. “I dunno.”

“That’s okay,” Josh replied. “We’re all kinda messed up if you think about it. I’m not going to think of you any different.”

Tyler smiles, and the conversation continues on.

“What’s your favourite color?” he asks. Tyler’s moved to the couch with Josh.

Josh takes a deep breath, one of his hands fiddling with the glasses on his face.

“Blue. It’s always been blue. And even now that I have a hard time remembering it, I remember how it makes me feel. It’s never really been something that represented sorrow for me, you know? It’s a color that makes me think. It’s calm, and peaceful, and everything I need to keep me sane. It’s like, you know, those things that hang down in caves? Stalactites? I think that’s what they’re called.” he shrugs. “That probably makes no sense.”

“No, no, it makes perfect sense,” Tyler agrees. He twists his fingers together and stares at the ceiling. “It’s like red. Red is-”

“The smell of wood and the taste of oranges.” he sighs and rubs at his face. “I regret not appreciating color when I had the chance. I took everything in the world for granted, and I feel like a fucking idiot for doing that.”

Tyler reaches out to touch the top of Josh’s hand. It’s soft, but he hopes Josh takes it as support. “You aren’t an idiot Josh. You couldn’t have known. It isn’t like we prepare for life changing moments. They just happen. And you know what? I think getting this job was one of those moments for me. You really make me think, you know that? Like, pure, cool, sweet, magenta, and so much pink it’s sickening.”

“I used to sit on my porch and watch the rain come down. And sometimes, it would come down hard enough that I could see all the colors in the world in between that silver. That’s how I see you in my head. For someone I wanted to scare away, I’m really glad you stuck around.”

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that.” Tyler’s fingers slot the empty space of Josh’s, and there is a brief silence between the two of them. Everything is calm.

“Can I touch your face again?” his voice hides behind a whisper.

“Of course.” and Tyler slides Josh’s hand up to his jaw, allowing him to touch and explore all he wants. There’s something therapeutic about this moment, what with the floorboards creaking, settling, and the sound of rain slamming against the house.

“You shaved,” Josh says.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, smiling. Josh’s fingers trail over his grin.

“Promise me you’ll never stop smiling.” fingers push on his lips, causing Tyler to blush. Josh’s hand falls to his side.

“I promise.”

Josh is asleep, still on the sofa when Mrs. Dun comes home. She’s home early today, before his siblings even, and is soaking wet, clutching her purse to her chest. “That weather is absolutely insane,” Laura starts as she hangs up her bag and takes off her shoes and coat. “I hope today wasn’t too-” she stops in the middle of her sentence when she notices Josh spread across the couch, Tyler sitting right in front of him. He presses a finger to his lips and pushes himself off the carpet.

“It’s been a pretty exciting day for him,” Tyler whispers. Mrs. Dun’s hands fly up to her mouth, and her eyes begin to water.

“He, he hasn’t...” she can’t get out the full sentence, tears already beginning to run. She hugs Tyler tightly, and he hugs her right back. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“It’s been over a month Tyler; when are we going to meet this boy you’re always with?” It’s a Saturday. Tyler got dragged along grocery shopping despite his protests, and he spends most of his time with his face buried in his phone. He’s been creating a playlist for Josh, songs that remind Tyler of him and of the colors he gives off. Tyler figures that if Josh can no longer see color, then he can at least listen to it.

He scowls at his mother’s comment. “I’m always with him because I work for him.”

“Oh hush, you know what I mean. I just feel like I should meet him, what with the way you’re always talking about him. Josh this, Josh that.”

His face blossoms into a thousand shades of cherry red. Tyler knows what his mother is trying to get at. He’s never really talked to his mother about his quote, “sexuality,” but he was sure she knew somewhat, since he never really talked about girls.

“You should invite him over for dinner.” she says. Tyler sighs. That sounds like a terrible idea, but he really wants his mother off his back.

“I’ll talk to him.” Tyler doesn’t look up from his phone.

“You’re such a pain,Tyler Robert.” with a scowl, she grabs two gallons of milk and turns down a different aisle.

“How’d your history test go?” Josh and Tyler sit at the kitchen island with a plate of pizza rolls. Tyler has been tapping his pen for five minutes now.

“I got a B.”

“That’s... good?”

“Oh yeah. I thought I’d fail.” he chuckles, lets the pen clatter to the counter. Josh’s hand inches over, feeling, until it finds stability in Tyler’s fingers. Tyler squeezes back.

“Everything okay? You sound stressed.”

“I’m fine. I’ve been... overwhelmed, I guess.” he swallows. “How would you feel about coming over for dinner?”

Josh is quiet. Tyler fears he’s made a mistake. This is your job!

“You... want me to come over? To your house?”

“Er... yeah. It was my mom’s idea. She wants to meet you.”

“So... your family would be there.”

“Yeah.”

“I haven’t left my house since I got home from the hospital Tyler, and that was over a year ago. Even coming downstairs has been a challenge for me.”

“I know. I told her you’d be uncomfortable. Trust me, you’d be better not meeting my family.” Josh’s grip on Tyler’s hand tightens.

“I do wanna meet your family someday. I love getting to know more about you. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I finally have a friend.”

“Me too. I’ve always been kind of a loner. I was homeschooled, so, yeah. Not many friends.”

Josh sniffs. “Thanks for forcing me to be a person.”

“Of course.”

“He said no,” Tyler tells his mother.

“Fine,” she replies, continuing to cut up fruit. “I’ll get him one day.”

Tyler goes up to his room to finish his playlist.

Josh is having a bad day today. Laura informs Tyler this the second he steps inside.

“He’s been fighting me all morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Tyler promises, going straight towards the kitchen to gather Josh’s pills. He wonders what’s wrong.

“Thank you Tyler. I’ll see you later tonight. Jordan is going over to a friend’s for a science project and I told one of the girls to go grab him. Just so you know.”

“Sure.” he nods, waves goodbye, and goes upstairs. Josh’s door is closed, and Tyler pushes it in just enough for it to squeak.

“Go away,” Josh says. He’s curled on his side.

“Don’t think you can send me away that easily, do you?” Tyler sets his pills on the table next to a glass of water and joins Josh on the bed. He pushes the duvet down obnoxiously, smiling just the tiniest bit at the scowls coming from the burnette. Josh, however, does not protest when Tyler pulls him towards his chest. In fact, Josh seems almost thankful, sighing lightly, and reaching his hand up to run fingertips over stubble.

“Didn’t shave today,” he mumbles.

“Nope. I was too lazy.”

“How’s school?”

“Fine. Josh, what’s wrong?”

He sighs again. It sounds heavy this time. “Everything.” and then, Josh is crying. Tyler holds him closely, tucking the duvet around his shaking body, running fingers through his dark brown curls, rubbing circles into his skin. Josh sobs.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry you feel this way.”

He sniffs and uses his sleeve to wipe away snot. “Sometimes it gets to be too much. I find myself thinking about how I’ll never get to see my sisters graduate, or how beautiful they will each look on their wedding day. I’ll never get to see how happy my brother will be when he finally gets his driver’s license, or gets his first girlfriend, or takes a date to prom. I can’t even remember what my mom looks like anymore.” Tears start falling again, and Tyler continues to hold Josh close to him. “I’ll never even get to see how beautiful you really are. I never asked for this. I never asked for any of this.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispers again. “I’m so sorry.”

“Everything is blue,” Josh cries, and it breaks Tyler’s heart.

They spend the rest of the day curled up in Josh’s bed. Josh sleeps, and Tyler rubs his back, tracing the creases and random patterns in his hoodie. He doesn’t move when there’s a pitter patter of feet downstairs, or when the door to Josh’s room opens and Mrs. Dun comes in.

Tyler shifts to climb out of bed, twisting his arm out from around Josh’s waist in the process. He pauses when she holds her hand out to stop him, a small smile rising to her face.

“Is he asleep?” she whispers. Tyler nods.

“He’s... having a tough day.”

“As I thought.” she shakes her head, her smile faltering, melting into one of sympathy. “Stay with him as long as you need. As long as he needs.”

“Of course.” Tyler nods again, glancing over at Josh still curled next to him. Even if Josh’s mother hadn’t said that, Tyler would have stayed. He needs to stay.

When Mrs. Dun leaves, Tyler shoots his mother a quick text, letting her know he’s working overtime. Then he snuggles farther into the king, curls his arm tighter around the brunette's waist. Josh hums, his fingers gripping over the top of Tyler’s knuckles.

“Thank you,” Josh mumbles, just loud enough for Tyler to hear. Tyler plants a tiny kiss to his shoulder.

“You’re welcome.”

Tyler loves his job. Absolutely, positively, loves his job. In fact, it doesn’t even feel like work anymore. He would so much rather be with Josh than anywhere else in the world. And Tyler knows that his mother is upset by that, but he doesn’t care. For once, Tyler is doing more besides sitting in his bedroom.

He’s been working as Josh’s caregiver for almost three months now. Tyler has never felt more closer to a person than he feels with Josh.

Today is a Friday. Josh sits on the sofa with his knees pulled to his chest. His hands continually tap, play with fraying threads in his joggers, bunch up the blankets around him. Tyler sits on the floor, scrolling through his phone. He finished Josh’s playlist last week, but just thinking about showing Josh creates butterflies in his stomach. He’s a little nervous.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing? You’re awfully quiet.”

Tyler scoffs. “Nah.”

“Uh, yeah. I’m blind, not deaf.”

“Okay.” he takes a deep breath. Just go for it. “I actually made you a playlist of songs. I uhm, figured that since you couldn’t see color anymore, I could help you hear it.”

Josh doesn’t say anything. Tyler moves, the couch cushion dipping as he drops down next to Josh and gently touches the top of his hand. Then, he hits play.

They are quiet as the music plays. Josh leans his head back and hums along, a small smile rising to his lips. Tyler’s stomach settles.

And then, Josh laughs. It’s light, and airy, and sounds like everything good in the world. “Everything is blue,” he says, but it’s different than that night Josh cried. He’s happy. He’s so, goddamn happy.

Tyler has no clue what makes him do it. He knows it’s not a great idea, considering this is his job, but everything feels right. Blue sings to the two of them, Josh continues to smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and maybe that’s what pushes him to lean in and kiss Josh Dun.

He squeaks a little, but wastes no time melting into the couch, his hands attaching to Tyler’s waist. Tyler knows he has to go slow, has to lead, but so many things are flying through his brain, because Josh tastes like red, like a roaring waterfall on a calm day, like mint leaves and avocados and silver bells. His lips are soft, his touches are soft, everything is softsoftsoft.

Hands curl in hair, fingers run down skin, tongues dance and fireworks boom in their ears.

Josh is the one to pull away in a long breathy gasp. He feels for Tyler’s hand, squeezes, catches his breath. “Tyler. Tyler. Tyler.”

“Josh, Josh, Josh,” Tyler says back, still grinning ear to ear. He has purple in his veins, he has life in his veins, he feels absolutely ready to take on whatever is thrown his way.

“Thank you for this. Thank you for everything.” Josh laughs, Tyler smiles, and everything feels okay in the world.

“You’re awfully happy today,” his mother says when Tyler comes barrelling through the front door. She’s working on her blue scarf again.

“What’s wrong with being happy?” he asks as he takes off his shoes and hangs up his jacket.

“Absolutely nothing. I’m glad you’re so giggly. Work was well then?”

“Yeah,” Tyler smiles, “work was amazing.”

He calls Josh that night, or rather, calls Josh’s mother. She answers with worry in her voice.

“Tyler? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” he says, “I just wanna speak with Josh. Is that okay?”

“Oh.” she’s surprised. “Oh! Yeah, yeah sure! I’ll give him the phone.” there’s a shuffle, a muffled call of Josh’s name, and then his rich voice falls over the speaker.

“Tyler? What’s up?”

“Hey,” Tyler lets out a deep breath and leans back onto his bed. “I just, uh, wanted to hear your voice. Is that weird?”

“No. It’s nice actually, hearing yours too. You know, I do have a phone of my own. It’s been having some problems lately though.”

“Really? What’s wrong with it?”

Tyler can practically hear Josh’s smirk. “It doesn’t have your number in it.”

“Smooth, Dun. Real smooth.”

Josh laughs. “Today was... really great. One of the best days I’ve had in awhile actually. Just, uhm, thanks again. And, thanks for calling.”

“I’m a little sad I won’t get to see you until Monday,” Tyler sighs. His fingers trace over the button of his jeans, suddenly feeling irritated by the fabric against his legs.

“You can come over tomorrow, if you want,” Josh’s voice is low. “Or, uh, even tonight. Later tonight.”

“Really?”

“Really. You have the house key, right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Tyler’s excited. Tyler is very excited. “Okay. I’ll be over around eleven.”

“That sounds good. I’ll be waiting. Be quiet, and step over the third step, cause it-”

“Creaks, right. I’ll be good.” there’s a pause. Josh’s breathing is heavy. “Bye J.”

“Bye Ty.” the phone line clicks off, and Tyler lets his phone fall to the carpet. He stares at the ceiling and thinks.

He works for the Dun’s. He works for Josh. Should he really be doing this? Should he really be sneaking around, and coming into their house unknowingly?

It’s Josh’s house too, he reasons with himself. He knows you’re coming over.

Tyler smiles, and lets himself relax.

Josh jolts when Tyler pushes into his bedroom. He props his pillow up and grins when the bed creaks. Tyler doesn’t say a single word, only slides his hand around to the back of Josh’s neck and kisses him again, pressing sloppily against his lips, against his jaw, against his neck. He can feel Josh’s fingers tracing the outline of his face, feeling for his jaw, threading through his hair. They’re skating on crystal ice, playing with fire, dancing on glass. Tyler starts to think again.

“Should we be doing this?” he rests his forehead against Josh’s, sliding his hand to cup Josh’s jaw and sighs loudly. “I mean, I do work for you, should we really-”

“Yes,” Josh says immediately. “Yes, we should. I need you. You can’t give me a burst of color and then walk away, that’s not fair.”

Tyler swallows. “I... made you feel color?”

“The whole fucking rainbow.”

“Everything is blue?” Tyler asks.

“Everything is blue,” Josh repeats. He leans forward, his hands fumbling, sliding, back into Tyler’s hair, his lips bumping against Tyler’s chin, finding their way back to chapped lips, biting down. Tyler hums, pushes Josh onto his back and straddles him. Josh moans.

“Shh,” Tyler says.

“Fuck you,” Josh mumbles, but he’s smiling, twisting his fingers in Tyler’s hair.

Everything is blue.

“Stay with me,” Josh mumbles again. Tyler sucks a bruise into his neck and nods his head.

He leaves in the early morning hours, the sun barely peeking above rooftops, swirling the sky in pinks and oranges. Tyler whispers goodbye, and sneaks out like he was never even there.

Tyler’s brother is down in the kitchen when he quietly comes in through the garage door.

Zack looks up at him from his coffee cup with a sigh. “Tyler, can I ask you something?”

His keys land loudly on the table as he drops into a seat. “‘Course. What’s up?”

“Are you happy? At least, do you think you’re happy?”

Tyler’s breath leaves all at once. He taps his fingers against the wood and glances up at the ceiling. He hadn’t thought about that, he never thinks about that. “I don’t know Zack,” he finally decides on. “I think that’s the point of life, you know? To be happy. To find the people that make you happy.”

“Do you think Mom and Dad are happy?” he knocks his knuckles against the ceramic mug.

“Sure. They found each other, didn’t they?” Tyler leans across the table and softly touches the bruises that stretch across his brother’s hand. He wants to ask how Zack got them, but decides that’s probably none of his business. “Zack, are you doing okay? Why are you asking me this?”

Zack chuckles, pulls his hand out from Tyler’s and shakes his head. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came down here. I dunno, I was just thinking is all. I’m fine.” he sniffs and looks right up at Tyler. “You were with Josh, weren’t you?” Tyler nods. He trusts Zack. “Does he make you happy?”

“Yeah,” Tyler says. “He does.”

“Good. Then I’m glad you got that job.” Zack smiles, sets his coffee mug in the sink, and heads upstairs. Tyler leans back in his chair and drags a hand down his face.

On Monday, Tyler comes to Josh with a proposition.

“How would you feel about dying your hair?”

Josh doesn’t respond, instead playing with the sides of his sunglasses. He tugs on his hair and clears his throat.

Tyler speaks again, sitting down on the edge of the king. “I know you had talked about all the stuff you were planning to do before the accident. That stuff, it’s still possible. I’d be willing to help. And I know you wouldn’t be able to see it, but-”

“I’d be able to feel it,” Josh interrupts, and he’s grinning ear to ear. “Blue. I want it to be blue.”

“Of course,” Tyler laughs, popping off the bed. He spins in a circle. “I’ll get the stuff when I head out today and bring it back tomorrow.”

“Get the darkest blue you can find.”

“Sure. Should I talk to-”

“Definitely not.” Josh shakes his head. “It’s my decision, okay? If she gets pissed I’ll tell her that.”

“Okay,” Tyler grins.

“Okay,” Josh says back.

“Have you ever dyed someone’s hair before?” Josh asks as Tyler rolls rubber gloves over his hands and skims over the instructions. Josh sits on the closed toilet seat with a towel around his shoulders and his fingers fidgeting in his lap.

“Nope,” Tyler replies. “I know we have to bleach your hair first. Trust me, I’ll make sure it’s perfect.”

“I trust you.”

He smiles softly, moving towards Josh, setting a hand on his knee, sliding a hand behind his neck.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna kiss me?”

“I was thinking about it.” Tyler’s lips hover, his eyes studying every part of Josh’s face.

“Good luck kiss?”

“Something like that,” he mumbles, finally closing the gap. Josh hums happily, his own hands twisting in Tyler’s tee. And suddenly, Zack’s words hit him like a freight train.

He is happy.

Josh’s hair looks amazing.

The blue is bright, vibrant, and Tyler really thinks Josh’d be happy with it, if he could see it. Josh continues to run his hands through it after Tyler’s blow dried it and they’re laying on Josh’s bed once more.

“It’s dark, right?”

“Yes.”

“But it’s... soft.”

“I’d say so. Like those things in caves you were talking about.”

Josh grins. “Stalactites. Can you see dark? Can you see the bleach?”

“Not right now. Maybe in a few days when it fades.”

“So it’s the sky right before a sunrise. It’s the bite of an apple and the smell of a daisy and the rush of water over rocks.”

“Yes,” Tyler nods. He turns on his side and looks at Josh’s absorbed expression. He’s thinking so damn hard, that hand of his unable to let go of his hair.

“My hair is going to all fall out one day,” he whispers, his fingers curling, “and I’ll probably be bald.”

“Nah.”

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

Josh reaches outwards, and Tyler knows what he wants. He leads Josh’s hand to his jaw and scoots forward, closing his eyes as Josh’s thumb moves around his face like the bristles of a paintbrush. “I decided I like the stubble better,” Josh murmurs.

“Then I’ll keep it.” Tyler smiles when Josh’s index finger pushes into his lips.

“You’re still smiling?” it’s more of a question than a comment, but Tyler nods anyways, his grin growing when Josh leans forward. For him, finding Tyler’s lips now is easy. He always knows where to find them.

They kiss forever and ever and ever, neither one caring that their breaths are short and rapid. At one point Tyler rolls over on top of Josh, Josh’s leg hooking behind his back, and they continue making out. Josh laughs, giggles, lets his hands roam as they often do, because Tyler has become his familiarity, his backbone.

“I’m not sad anymore,” Josh tells him. Tyler pushes blue hair off his forehead and plants a tiny kiss to the underside of his jaw.

“Me neither.”

Josh’s mother is more shocked than furious or excited. She stares, her mouth open, blinking rapidly like she thinks she’s imagining the whole situation.

“Josh, your hair is blue.”

“Yeah Mom, do you like it?” he sits up with a smug grin. “Thought it was time for a change. I love it.”

She laughs finally, and Tyler feels everything leave in one sigh of relief. “I’m so glad honey. I’m so glad.”

“Is it okay if Tyler stays overtime?” Josh asks as he feels for Tyler’s hand next to him. He doesn’t take it, only relaxes when he pads fingertips over knuckles and smiles.

“Not as much overtime as me being here as a friend,” Tyler explains. Mrs. Dun shrugs, but she’s still got a giant grin on her face.

“Of course. But Tyler, don’t think you’re off the hook. You’re the one that made him look like a blueberry.”

Tyler chuckles. “Sure thing Mrs. Dun.”

She raises an eyebrow and shakes her head, but eventually leaves. And just like that, Josh is laying back down with a sigh.

“Do I really look like a blueberry?” he asks worriedly.

“Of course not. You look beautiful.”

“Oh good. Good. I was going to have to throw a fit if that was the case.”

“Just your average punk.”

“Good.” a pause. “You gonna kiss me again?”

“We have to be careful of your mother.”

“Pfft. Lock the door.”

“Cause that’s not suspicious.” Tyler sighs, and flops down next to him. Tyler really is worried about Josh’s mother finding out about their current relationship. He probably would no longer be able to have this job if she found out.

“There’s a park I used to go to a lot when I was still in high school,” Josh starts, his voice low and cautious. Tyler immediately forgets about Josh’s mother. “In the fall when the leaves change colors, it is the most beautiful thing in the entire world. There’s this spot at the very back of the park in the woods where I’d go bring a blanket and think.”

“I know exactly what park you’re talking about,” Tyler replies, bracing himself.

“I wanna go there,” Josh whispers. Tyler nods.

“Let’s go there right now. Although your mother might not approve.”

Josh scoffs. “I’m getting out of the house. She’ll be fine. ‘Sides, I’m with you. I trust you, and so does she.” he stands up and wobbles a little. “Will you get me some more acceptable clothes for public? I kinda forgot how to do that whole shebang.”

“Sure!” Tyler is next to him in mere seconds, taking hold of his elbow to walk him to his dresser. He then gets Josh a long sleeved crewneck and a pair of old blue jeans with a hole in the knee. “I got you punk rock clothes.”

“Good. I need to look as intimidating as possible.”

“You’ll give children nightmares,” Tyler teases as he hands Josh his shirt and takes his old one for the laundry. He does the same for his bottoms, shielding his eyes for privacy.

“You can look you know. I wouldn’t know.”

“How do you know I’m not looking?”

“Because I know you. You’re respectful.” Josh clears his throat, his face turning red. “Besides, someday I wanna feel what the rest of you looks like.”

“Yeah,” Tyler’s face is red now too. “That’s something we can do.”

“You wanna tell my mom, or should I roll down the stairs and surprise her?” he laughs when Tyler huffs.

“That’s not funny Josh.”

“I think it’s very funny.” he clears his throat. “Sorry.”

“Let’s go downstairs and tell your mother.” Tyler shakes his head, leads Josh’s hand to his bicep, and takes him downstairs.

“Are you sure?” Laura asks, her brow furrowed. Josh nods.

“I’m sure. Tyler will take care of me.”

“I want him home before ten. And text me every hour.”

“Mom, that’s ridiculous. I’m an adult-”

“Who’s disabled. Josh, you haven’t left the house in a year, don’t you think I have the right to be worried?”

Josh scoffs, and Tyler can see he’s mad. Josh tugs on Tyler’s arm. He wants to leave.

“I’ll take care of him,” Tyler promises, turning to leave. A hand on his shoulder rips Josh from his grasp.

“There’s a cane in the garage. It’s red, hard to miss. Please, I know he won’t want to use it, but just in case. Please.” she whispers, her voice pleading, and Tyler nods. He knows Josh has too much pride to walk around in public with anything that might tell people he’s blind.

“My mom is always up my fucking ass,” Josh says the second they leave the house. Tyler helps Josh into the passenger seat of his shitty car, tossing the cane the backseat. It lands with a loud thud and Tyler freezes, only relaxing when it seems Josh didn’t notice. “I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

“She’s worried about you.”

“Yeah? We’ll she’s always telling me I can’t live the rest of my life in my bedroom, yet I finally show interest in leaving and she’s gotta...” Josh trails off and digs the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I’m sick of everything.”

“Let’s go to Starbucks,” Tyler suggests. “We’ll get coffee and go to the park. I have blankets in the trunk.”

“Should I even ask why?”

“Nope,” Tyler says. They drive on.

Josh orders a caramel macchiato and Tyler gets a white mocha. He parks, and together they walk, Josh close by with his hand still wrapped around Tyler’s arm. His breaths are heavy, and despite his attitude, Tyler can tell Josh is nervous. And he has every right to be.

“Thanks for getting me coffee.” Josh is quiet.

“Of course. We’re getting pretty close.”

“I can feel it.” he takes a long sip of from his cup and sighs. “It’s dark.”

“Yeah, it is.” Tyler rolls his shoulders, and they walk on.

He spreads out blankets, helps Josh sit down, and flops backwards. He can see the stars from where the trees have lost leaves.

“Hey, your birthday is soon, right?” Josh murmurs. He feels for Tyler’s hand.

“Yeah, in about a month.”

“That’s exciting.”

“Eh.” Tyler shrugs. “Birthdays aren’t really my thing. One year closer to the grave, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.” Josh moves closer, burying his nose in Tyler’s sweatshirt. “You smell good.”

Tyler snorts. “Like what, sweat and deodorant?”

“Good deodorant.” a pause. “You know something Tyler? The thought of going outside terrified me, but now that I’m here, I’m not afraid. It feels almost natural.” he sniffs. “Can you see the stars?”

“Yeah.”

“Are they shimmering?”

“Yeah. They’re about as bright as you.” Josh laughs, and Tyler grins.

“Do you have nightmares?” it’s random and sudden and stops Tyler’s smile short. He thinks about it before he replies.

“Of course I do. Doesn’t everybody?” he sighs. “I’m afraid of failure. Of letting people and myself down. Of losing myself so far in oblivion that I can no longer function.”

Josh’s fingers curl in Tyler’s hoodie. “They told me I had PTSD after the accident. I’m sure my mom told you I was attending therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my therapist. He’s kind and helpful and gives a lot of great advice. And he’s super patient with my stubborn ass when I don’t feel like getting back on my feet.” Josh chuckles, more to himself than the rest of the world. “But I wish I could be normal. I have dreams about being normal, about still being able to play the drums and share my vision with the world. My friend, he had been the guitar player, he uh, he passed away in the accident, and that really struck me hard. It’s even hard now, knowing he’ll never get to see the ever changing planet we live on. And when I woke up in the hospital, and everything was black, I panicked. I kept opening and closing my eyes, hoping it was just because I got hurt, trying to get the blackness to go away. But it never went away. It’s never going to go away. And they told me it might, that things would get better, but they never did. They never will. And this, it’s all one big nightmare, but you Tyler, you make things so much better. You remind me what it’s like to be happy.”

“You’re so special Josh. I’ve never met a person like you.” Tyler leans over, rests on his elbow, tucks a hand behind Josh’s neck and kisses him. Stars rain down and destroy them.

Tyler pulls his shirt off. Josh’s hands roam, his throat clicks, as he touches Tyler’s collarbone, his bare shoulders, every indentation of every rib. They even pad over his hip bone and down his sides.

“You’re beautiful,” Josh cries, and Tyler kisses him again. Everything is perfect. Everything is so fucking perfect.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Tyler whispers, his lips still pressed against Josh’s jaw. Josh tightens his grip on Tyler’s waist.

Stars rain down, and destroy them.

Tyler fails his biology test. He shoves his test in the back of his car and ignores it.

He knows he’s been paying less attention in class and considerably more time thinking about Josh, but for some reason Tyler can’t find it in himself to focus.

And his mother’s words rattle in his skull. Are you in love with that boy?

Yeah he was. He was hopelessly in love with Josh.

They go on walks now during the week. Josh stays close, his arm tucked around Tyler’s, his footsteps short. Every time Tyler suggests Josh walk on his own, that he uses his cane, Josh scowls. He has too much pride.

“I’m not going to be here forever,” Tyler tells him.

“I do enough walking on my own at therapy. Just let me feel like a normal person.” He’s angry, fingers twitch at the sides of his sunglasses. Tyler apologizes, and just like that, things are normal again.

When he gets home that night, Tyler’s mother gives him the blue scarf she had been working on.

“Give that to Josh,” she says with a smile and a wink. Tyler watches her disappear down the hall, and wonders if she knows.

“Mom’s been talking to me about you.” They sit on Josh’s front porch step with a blanket curled around their shoulders. Josh is wearing the scarf Tyler’s mother gave him. He keeps shivering, but says nothing about it. “We got in a pretty big fight.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Josh takes a deep breath. “She’s getting suspicious, I guess. We’ve been spending so much time together, and I told her, dude, that’s because you hired him. And Tyler, you do so much for me, and I know it is your job and stuff, but even when you’re not working anymore, you’re still helping me out. You’re my friend. Hell, I would consider us as something a bit more than friends. And I think it’s freaking my mom out, us being so close. She’s worried for whatever stupid reason.”

“Is she homophobic?”

“No. I just think it’s a, ‘you shouldn’t be fucking your employer kind of thing.’ I’ve dated other guys before and she was fine with it. Of course, it’s always a little weird for the parentals at first, but still. I just wish she would understand how much you mean to me.”

“Do you want me to talk with her?”

“No. I’ll talk to her. I just... I don’t want you to leave, you know? You’ve been here for so long it feels normal. Everything feels normal.”

“Is that why you don’t want to be independent? Because of me?” Tyler regrets his comment the minute Josh’s face lights up in pain. He yanks away.

“Independent? I’m perfectly independent. I was independent before you even came here. I hate asking for help. I hate being helpless. And now, I have to ask for help for the stupidest things. I can’t even go get a glass of milk without tripping down the stairs and breaking my neck. I never asked for you to become my caregiver.” he shakes his head angrily and scoffs. “But I love having you here, and maybe that freaks me out just a little bit. I feel like I can’t live without you.”

Tyler sighs. His fingers twirl in his lap, and he refuses to let himself look at Josh’s sad expression. “Maybe I should take some time off then.”

“What?” his voice cracks. Tyler ignores it. He has to ignore it.

“If we’re taking things too fast and you’re freaking out, then maybe we should each take some time apart to think about things. Like the fact that I was hired to take care of you, and now we spend all our time making out. I don’t want your mom to be upset.”

“It isn’t about what my mother wants,” Josh spits. He’s turned his whole body in the opposite direction. “It’s about my happiness. And you, you make me happy. But if you really think we need time, then fine. I’ll go back to being on my own.”

“Are you trying to guilt trip me?”

“No. I can be by myself just fine. I’d just prefer to have you here with me.” he’s pouting now, and Tyler’s stomach does flips. Josh’s hair has faded over the days that have passed, blonde peeking through where Tyler had forgot to run over with blue hair dye. He wasn’t sure if he could go back to being without Josh.

“Josh,” Tyler says softly as he pushes his index finger into Josh’s arm. Josh scowls and wraps his arms further around himself. “Dude.”

“What?”

“C’mere. Stop being all pouty.”

“I’m not,” Josh grumbles, but he relaxes when Tyler’s arms wrap around him and lips bury in his neck. “I just don’t want you to leave me.”

“Three days. I’ll be gone three days. And when I come back, we’ll decide what to do, okay?”

Josh nods, but says nothing more, and lets Tyler kiss him.

Tyler is miserable.

He thought time off would be good. He thought being away from Josh would be good, that he’d have more time to focus on school and other “adult” stuff, but he can’t stop thinking about what Josh might be doing.

His parents talk to him about getting his own place, after he finishes college. They keep talking, and Tyler isn’t paying any attention.

“Tyler, are you even listening?” his dad grabs ahold of his shoulder and shakes gently. Tyler blinks rapidly, his chest pounding.

“Sorry.”

“Sweetheart, what’s on your mind?” his mother slides arm around his shoulders, presses a kiss to his temple.

“I don’t know. Nothing really. I’m just preoccupied.”

She waves her husband away and tightens her half hug, speaking only when they’re alone. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Tyler chuckles. It’s absurd, all of it. “I can’t stop thinking about him. I took time off so I wouldn’t think about him, but here we are.”

“It’s okay to think about him. He sounds like a really good person Tyler, and I know he makes you happy.”

“He does Mom. He really does.”

“Then why are you so distraught over this?”

“Because it’s my job. I work for him, I’m supposed to be taking care of him.”

His mother leans back in her chair and sighs. He can tell she’s thinking. “Tyler, you’ve always been responsible. And I trust you can make the right decision here. I’m not going to tell you what you should do because I know you can figure it out. It might be hard to make the right decision, but sometimes the right one isn’t always the easiest.”

She’s right. He knows she is, but there’s still a pit in his stomach. He doesn’t want to make the right decision. He doesn’t want to have Josh taken away from him.

“Thanks Mom,” Tyler says instead.

Josh hugs him so tight Tyler can’t breathe. But it’s okay, because Tyler hugs him just as tightly back.

“I missed you,” he says. “It was awful. So fucking awful.”

“I was only gone three days.”

“Yeah, and it sucked. I was bored out of my mind. My mom stayed home one of the days because she didn’t think I was capable of being on my own. I had to basically beg her to let me be by myself the other two days.” Josh rolls his eyes. “I didn’t realize how much I needed you.”

“I need you too. Bad actually.” he moves closer, sliding a leg over Josh’s waist. Josh flinches, a smirk rising to his face. His hands curl in Tyler’s shirt as Tyler kisses him, slow at first, before the two start going at it; Tyler nips at Josh’s bottom lip, Josh moans, and everything feels right. Everything always feels right when they’re together, and Tyler can’t believe he ever thought about leaving.

Josh jolts underneath Tyler, his hands sliding under Tyler’s shirt, thumbing over skin, skidding over ribs. “Get this off,” he demands in a breathy whisper, and Tyler nods, leaning back to slide his shirt off and toss it to the floor. And just like that, they’re connected at the mouth again, with fireworks and mint leaves and red red red.

Tyler tugs at Josh’s sweats without removing his mouth, his fingers curling underneath the waistband. “You cool?”

“Oh yeah. Get ‘em off.” he lifts his hips off the bed, and Tyler pulls, dropping them right next to his shirt. He starts to suck a bruise into Josh’s neck.

Tyler’s pants come off, Josh’s shirt gets thrown across the room.

“You hard?” Josh whispers. His hands shift, and Tyler bites his tongue. He can feel Josh pressed into his thigh.

“Hell yeah.”

“You gonna do something about it?”

“Is that a command?” he murmurs, pulling down Josh’s boxers. Josh scoffs, and grabs ahold of Tyler’s wrist, stopping him short.

“This... it’s the first time since... you know.”

“We don’t have to go far.”

“I wanna... I wanna feel everything.”

His breathing stops. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah.” Josh’s hands move down Tyler’s arms, find his waist, move across the bulge in his boxers. Tyler squirms.

“Dude.”

“Sorry.” Josh freezes, and a smug look comes to his face. His fingers move back. Tyler squirms again, but happily accepts whatever Josh is about to do.

His boxers get tugged to mid thigh, and Josh is feeling again. “I’m in the right spot, huh?”

“Mmmm, yeah,” Tyler bits down on his bottom lip and groans the minute Josh’s hand wraps around his cock. “Fuck.”

“You’re telling me,” Josh whispers, still smiling. He trails his fingers teasingly and slowly, painfully slow, and Tyler lets another moan slip. “No one’s home bro. Make as much noise as you want.”

Tyler grinds upwards, his fist in his mouth. He’s not sure what exactly he’s scared of.

Josh spits in his hand and finds his way back to Tyler’s cock. Fingers touch everywhere, the inside of his thighs, the length of his dick, swirl at the head. Tyler is going mad.

“Somehow I always knew you were massive,” Josh remarks, and Tyler rolls his eyes at the comment. He grinds again, and shoots Josh a warning.

Tyler’s embarrassed beyond all belief that he climaxed so quickly, but Josh doesn’t seem to mind. Tyler flops down next to him and sucks in all the air he can, staring at the ceiling as he tries to catch his breath.

“Thanks,” Tyler says.

“Thank you,” Josh replies. He bites his lips, tugs off his boxers, and drops them on the floor. Tyler stares.

“Josh-”

“Next time,” he says, still grinning, but that damn grin of his is the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s crinkly and full of dimples and silver bells. “Take a nap with me. You can clean up before my mom comes home.”

“Dude, don’t bring up your mom.” Tyler shakes his head, wipes at the sweat across his hairline, as Josh laughs.

“Promise me someday we’ll move into an apartment of our own.”

“Promise,” Tyler replies, and he means it. He wraps his pinkie finger around Josh’s, and swiftly wraps his arm around Josh’s waist. Josh buries his face in Tyler’s shoulder.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Josh finally comes over to Tyler’s house for dinner, and Tyler’s mother is ecstatic.

It’s two days before Tyler’s birthday, and his mother makes a roast with mashed potatoes and tells everyone to be polite and kind.

“Everyone needs to act like Josh is normal. We are here to make him feel welcome, not uncomfortable.”

Zack grabs Tyler’s sleeve. “I’m excited to meet the person that brings you so much joy,” he whispers, flashing a small smile before disappearing upstairs.

Mrs. Dun drops Josh off at the door. Tyler had wanted to pick him up, but Laura insisted on bringing Josh over. “You do so much for us, let me be of some use.”

Josh has his bright red cane in his hand and a pout on his face when Tyler opens the door. “You look excited.”

Josh thrusts the cane into Tyler’s hands and grabs ahold of his bicep. “Fuckin’ hate that thing,” he mutters. Tyler leans it against the wall and rests his hand on the small of Josh’s back.

“Wanna go to my room?”

“Sure.” Tyler cracks a grin, and leads Josh slowly up the stairs to his bedroom in the back. His room is nothing special, and it’s usually a mess, but Tyler had some decency to pick up so Josh wouldn’t trip over his dirty clothes. He helps Josh to his bed and places his hands on his hips. “So, this is my room. I share with Zack, so there’s two twin beds cause we’re children, and the walls are pretty bare. I do have some basketball trophies though.”

“You played basketball?”

“Yeah. Got offered scholarships and stuff, but I really didn’t want to go off to a four year university. I wanted to stay close to home. I was terrified, I guess. All my friends left and here I am.” he shrugs. “They all knew what they wanted to do with their lives, I didn’t. So I guess it made sense.”

“You like music, right? You could do something with that. Be a music teacher or something. Start a band.”

He snorts. “Yeah, I’ll start a band with my non-existent friends. Unless you’d like to start a band with me.”

“Unfortunately being blind makes it hard for me to find where to hit my drums.” Josh smiles a sad smile. “Man, I haven’t touched my kit in so long. It’s in my basement you know. I used to piss my parents off so much playing that thing, they’d make me go play at the record store downtown.”

“You should sit down and see what you remember. Could be a reflex, or some long term memory stored in your brain.”

“Yeah, maybe.” he clears his throat. “Hey, you play ukulele, don’t you? You should play for me.”

“Oh, sure!” Tyler isn’t sure why he hadn’t thought about that before. He pulls his Luna out of his closet and sits down next to Josh, letting the strings echo throughout the room. “I don’t uh, I don’t really learn a lot of modern day songs. I write my own stuff, mostly.”

Josh blinks. “Why have you never told me this?”

“I haven’t told anyone. Not even my parents. I don’t know, I’m just sort of worried they’ll hear it and think I’m messed up or something.”

“Tyler, you aren’t messed up.”

“You haven’t heard what I’ve written.” he strums again. “I haven’t named this one yet. Been thinking of calling it something like Judge Me or The Judge or something along those lines.” Tyler picks at the strings. He needs to cut his fingernails.

“Are you gonna play for me, or what?” Josh folds his arms and looks up at the ceiling. Tyler takes a deep breath, and plays.

He’s never played his songs for anyone. He’s never thought about playing his songs for anyone. The world, it was all so dismal for him, so dismal that he resorted to poetry to make himself feel better. How could he share his dismal thoughts with other people?

Josh doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t mutter a word until after the final chord has rung out, and Tyler sits in suspense, waiting for Josh to tell him he’s “worried” or call him messed up. And Tyler knows Josh would never say that out loud, but that doesn’t make the pit in his stomach go away.

“Tyler,” his voice wavers, “that was incredible. No, that was fucking beautiful. I didn’t realize how beautiful of a voice you had. I mean, I should have realized that since every other aspect of you is beautiful. You should play for people. You have so much talent dude. You’re like, rapping, talking fast maybe, and singing at the same time! And that line, ‘I’m a pro at imperfections and I’m best friends with my doubt?’ Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.” Josh shakes his head in disbelief. “Call it The Judge. I like that.”

Tyler blushes. “Thank you.”

“Dude, thank you. I’m going to have you start singing for me more often. You know, there’s a coffee shop downtown called Picasso’s that does open mic night on the weekend. You get about four or five songs together and play. I really think you should do that. The world needs to know how stupidly talented you are. And of course, I’d be there, stupid red cane and all.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really.”

With heat on his cheeks and a smile on his face, Tyler sets his ukulele down gently on the floor and grabs Josh’s hip, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Tyler sucks on Josh’s bottom lip, hums happily at Josh’s nails digging into his sides and realizes that his songs recently haven’t been reflecting the way he’s seeing the world.

Everything is blue.

“Tyler, Mom says dinner is r-” Zack flies into Tyler’s bedroom, stopping his sentence short when he notices the scene in front of him. Tyler pulls away so fast he tumbles to the floor and tries to ignore Zack’s wide eyes.

“I can explain,” Tyler starts, but Zack only shakes his head.

“Dude, I don’t care.” he steps forward and reaches to shake Josh’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Take care of Tyler or I’ll come after to you.”

“Noted,” Josh replies, letting his arms hang limply at his sides when Zack lets go.

“Dinner is ready,” Zack says again on his way out.

Tyler is beyond thankful his family is kind to Josh. They ask him all kinds of questions, keep him in the loop, and nobody says a single thing about the fact that he’s blind, or that Tyler keeps whispering to Josh about what’s on his plate or moves his hand to what he’s wanting to take a bite of.

The best part is that Josh doesn’t seem uncomfortable at all. And Tyler knows this is the first house besides his own that Josh has been at since his accident.

They eat strawberry cheesecake for dessert, and Tyler’s mother gives Josh a big hug. “Thank you for coming over,” she tells him, before whispering something incoherent. Tyler narrows his eyes.

He helps Josh into his car after that, once again tossing that “stupid red cane” into his backseat. Josh hears this time, and grins.

“Did you have a good time?” Tyler asks, backing out of his driveway. He adjusts his heater to full blast.

“Dude, I love your family. That was a ton of fun.”

“You’re always welcome you know. My mom’s just happy I have a friend.” Tyler clears his throat. “What did she whisper to you?”

“Oh, nothing too important. She just invited me over again, told me she’s thankful that you have someone you care deeply about.”

“She’s giving away my secrets? How dare she!”

Josh rolls his eyes and smirks. “Yep, every last one of them. Sorry Tyler, your mom is my new best friend.” They both laugh, and it’s loud and pure. Tyler runs a hand through his hair.

“So uh, my birthday is this Thursday, and I usually don’t do much, but I was wondering if you’d want to go do something. We could go get dinner, take a walk or something. Stay the night in a hotel.” he mutters that last part quickly, sort of hoping Josh didn’t hear it. But of course Josh did.

“Yeah, a hotel sounds fun. We can get up to a lot of mischief at a hotel, right?” he grins. Tyler shakes his head.

“Your mother will probably say no.”

“Dude, I’m twenty one years old. And...” he gasps, the realization coming to him. “You’re turning twenty one! Dude, you can finally drink! We gotta get you some fancy ass wine.”

“Dinner, fancy ass wine, and a goodnight’s sleep.” Tyler’s smirking now too.

“I don’t care if my mom says no, you’re coming to pick me up.”

“I’ll make the reservation tonight.” Josh huffs.

“I don’t want to wait until then.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow dork. And I’ll kiss you the minute we’re alone.”

“I’m counting on that.”

Tyler tells his mom he’s spending his birthday out with Josh. She smiles suspiciously when he says he’ll be back in the morning, but says nothing else.

Josh on the other hand, very blatantly lies, and tells his mother he’s spending the night at Tyler’s house for a birthday party. Tyler has to hide his blush when she tells Josh to be safe.

“Happy birthday,” Josh says the second Tyler touches him. They walk to the car, snow billowing softly around them. It’s the first snowfall of the season, and for once, Tyler is okay with the approaching winter season.

“Thank you.” he puts Josh’s stuff in the backseat and helps him into the car. “How are you?”

“I’m doing well. Better now that I finally get to see you. I realize it was your birthday, but you totally blew me off.”

Tyler laughs. He had taken work off to do some things with his family. “Sorry. But hey, I’m here now!”

“Good. You prepared for tonight?” he bunches the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and leans his head back against the headrest.

“As ever. I got the stuff, and told them to bring up the fanciest of wines.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Josh slumps in his seat, Tyler turns on the radio, and the conversation ends there.

At the hotel, Tyler checks them in, his and Josh’s bags strung over his chest, Josh’s hand gripped tightly around his arm. They wait in the elevator, go up three floors, and shuffle down to their room. The second they’re inside, Josh flops onto the bed and Tyler sets their bags on the desk.

“Hah!” he exclaims, pulling a bottle of red wine from its container of ice. “Got the wine.”

“Sick. Bring it here. Oh, and get my bag. I got a present for you.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Tyler replies, setting Josh’s bag down next to him. Josh snorts.

“Dude, it’s your birthday. I’m not not going to get you a gift.” he takes the bottle from Tyler, his fingers sliding along the length, feeling the lid. “This is some fancy wine.”

“Nice.”

“Your gift is the first thing in there, right on top.”

“Sure,” Tyler unzips Josh’s duffel bag and pulls out the package covered in Christmas trees. He can’t help but chuckle.

“Christmas is close enough, okay! Besides, it was all we had,” Josh retaliates, still twisting the wine bottle in his hands. “Open it.”

Tyler does. The first thing is a moleskin notebook and a set of black ballpoint pens. The second is a bright yellow hoodie. He stares, running the fabric through his fingers.

“The journal is self-explanatory. It’s for you to write more songs in.” the corners of his mouth tilt into a gentle Josh-esque smile. “The hoodie should be yellow, if it’s not and my sisters lied to me, then this is going to be pretty embarrassing. Tyler, you are a sunflower. I don’t need to see to tell how bright you are. And I just wanted to get you something to reflect that.”

Tyler kisses him. The duffle bag falls to the floor with a soft thud, and the wine bottle rolls to the end of the bed. Josh melts into the comforter, his hands finding their usual place, and Tyler straddles him, his kisses soft, steady, passionate. Josh is blue, skipping rocks across a white lake, picking dandelions and making wishes, clawing through sand with a plastic shovel. Tyler is in love. Hopelessly, dramatically, perfectly okay with being in love with Josh Dun.

The night becomes a blur, a swirl from Starry Night, as they celebrate with wine and replace words with moans. Clothes come off, fingers pad across skin, touch bones, touch hair, touch faces; Tyler pulls a condom from his bag, and that night, they make love. It’s slow, passionate, and neither have felt happier in their entire lives.

“I love you,” Josh cries out, his face sweaty, blue hair matted to his forehead, skin as red as the smell of orange peels. Tyler laughs loudly, and buries his face in Josh’s sweaty shoulder.

“I love you more.”

They curl up under blankets after that, and watch some TV movie, not really paying attention, still kissing, still breathless and in awe with adrenaline pumping through their veins. Josh runs his thumb over Tyler’s rough jawbone, touches the tip of his ear, burrows fingers into his hair. “I can’t get over how beautiful you are.”

“Same goes for you,” Tyler mumbles against his lips. He pulls away, tucks a loose piece of hair behind Josh’s ear. “You hungry? We never ate.”

“Yeah, I’m famished.”

“Jack in the Box tacos, two for a dollar?” Tyler grins. “My treat.”

“Dude, isn’t it like, midnight?”

“Open 24 hours. C’mon, I’ll wash your hair.” he slides out of bed, helps Josh out, and leads him to the shower. It’s there, with the spray running down their backs, staining their faces, Josh’s back against the tile as they kiss, that Tyler feels limitless.

He hopes they find no end.

A week passes, and then another. Tyler’s been Christmas shopping and is struggling beyond all belief.

But he finally goes down to that coffee shop and signs up for an open mic spot. He’s nervous beyond all belief, but Josh promises he’ll be there, and the world is a little brighter.

Tyler decides to do one cover, Elvis’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. He knows it’s basic, but he loves that song to death and doesn’t care one bit. As for the other songs, well, he’s working on it.

“You better do The Judge,” Josh says threateningly, and Tyler presses his index finger into Josh’s lips.

“Duh.”

Open mic night comes quickly. Christmas is at the end of the week and Tyler feels good about everything. His life is finally coming together.

People file into the coffee shop with bulking coats and scarfs, cradling coffee cups in their hands. It’s snowing outside, and Tyler keeps glancing outside, fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. He wore his yellow one, just for Josh.

His family’s all here, but not Josh. Where is Josh?

“Tyler, you’re next,” one of the employees tells him. Tyler rings the neck of his ukulele. He didn’t come here to play for his family, or for strangers. He wanted to play for Josh. Where is Josh? Why isn’t he here?

His phone vibrates. Tyler sighs, slides his phone out of his pocket, and freezes when he sees Laura is calling him. He excuses himself and squeezes into a back corner.

She’s hysteric. “Josh is in the hospital. He had another accident, please, he needs you, he needs you to be here-”

Tyler can’t breathe. A dark hole forms in his chest, snaps his ribs and sucks air from his lungs. His ukulele clatters to the ground. “Which hospital?” she tells him, and his phone slides into his pocket.

He knows he can’t drive. He knows he’ll do something stupid and crash his car.

Tyler is quick to grab his ukulele off the ground and shove it into Zack’s hands, ignoring his brother’s confused expression. “Josh is in the hospital.”

“What?” Zack’s pupils swell in concern. He stands up, setting the ukulele in his chair. Their parents face them.

“Tyler, what’s wrong?”

“I’m taking him to the hospital,”Zack says, taking Tyler by the wrist. He tosses Tyler’s coat over his shoulder and pulls the keys out of the pocket. “Tell them it was an emergency.”

“Who’s in the hospital?” Zack stares at their mother, and that’s all they need. “Oh my god. Tyler, I’m so sorry. Go, go.”

Zack pulls Tyler out of the shop and into the snow. It’s rough snow, pouring down so hard it’s impossible to see. Tyler feels cold, like each snowflake is an icicle piercing his heart. He’s in shock, unable to move. Zack buckles him in and slides into the driver’s seat.

“He’s going to be okay Ty. I promise.”

Tyler doesn’t respond. He can’t move his fingers. He can’t speak. The world is crumbling around him.

He had a seizure, they tell him. It was bound to happen eventually, they actually expected him to have them earlier; It was most likely from all the moving around he’s been doing after such a long time of doing nothing. He had fallen, broke his wrist, and his mother had screamed.

Tyler is still in shock, and he sits in a chair in the waiting room with Zack next to him. He feels like he’s going to throw up. It’s all his fault. He’s the one that pushed Josh out of his comfort zone, he knew Josh had damaged his brain in that car accident, he should have known what he was getting himself into.

It’s all his fault.

“Tyler?” a nurse, her name is Marissa, gently beckons to him with a wave of her hand. She has a kind smile, a clipboard in her hand, and takes him by his elbow when he stands up. Tyler’s legs are jelly. He wants to vomit, he’s going to vomit, he’s going to pass out.

“Josh is sleeping,” she tells him, “he’s okay. He’s doing okay. It was just a scare is all, he’ll be right back on his feet in no time. Just be quiet, okay? He’s exhausted.”

Tyler nods. His throat clicks as he enters the room.

Josh has blankets up to his chin, his breathing slow and his eyelids fluttering. Tyler drops to another stupid plastic chair. This is his fault. This is all his fault.

Laura comes in a few minutes later, her eyes rimmed red from crying. Tyler is surprised he hasn’t started crying yet.

She takes his hand and squeezes, forcing a small smile. “He’s okay.”

“Good.”

“How are you?”

Tyler shrugs. “In shock, I guess. I didn’t think-”

“He really wanted to be there, at your open mic. He was frantic all day. He’s been so different lately Tyler, and I know it’s all because of you. He’s being a person again, and I guess his body couldn’t take it.” she sighs. “They had told us he had a pretty high chance of getting epilepsy after his accident. Head trauma tends to do that, and we thought we were lucky when months passed and he was fine. Loss of vision seemed to be the major outcome, even though he would shake, and he’d get the worse migraines. I just never thought...” Mrs. Dun trails off and takes a deep breath.

“Nobody wants to think about that stuff,” he whispers, still staring at Josh. His heartbeat is steady. “I didn’t even think about it. I pushed him so far out of his comfort zone, this is my-”

“Don’t you dare say that.” there’s so much power in her voice that Tyler stops immediately. “It’s not your fault Tyler. It’s the drunk driver that hit their van. He’s the reason Josh is blind, he’s the reason Josh has head trauma, it’s all his fucking fault.” anger keeps building, and she doesn’t bat an eyelash at her language. “You are his lifesaver Tyler. You’re our lifesaver. You rescued him at his lowest point and brought him to his highest. This is not your fault. He’s gonna get better, we’ll get him more medicine, everything is going to be fine. He’s strong, and he’s brave. He’s so brave.

“We’re probably going to be here the rest of the week, which means Christmas too. They want to make sure nothing else is wrong. And it’s a pretty good safety precaution, I would think. You’re welcome to visit, I’m sure he’s going to want you around. Tyler, I want to apologize. When Josh started telling me he wanted to go outside, wanted to hang out with you, and you two kept spending so much time together, I got jealous, because not even I could do that for him. And the way he talks about you, I know he’s in love with you. I know he loves you. And I’d have a hard time believing you if you told me you didn’t love him back.”

Tyler smiles. It’s true.

“I’m sorry for wanting to push you out of his life. He told me you’re the best thing that ever happened to him, and dammit, I trust you with my whole life. You made my son happy again. And someday, if Josh tells me he wants to move out, wants to go live his life with you, I won’t say no. I love you Tyler. I was right all the way from the beginning. You are a blessing.”

He hugs her, tears finally starting to fall. Tyler knows she’s crying too, a tiny wet spot forming in his bright yellow hoodie.

The nurse, Marissa, comes in to tell Tyler visiting hours are over. He looks over at Josh, back at her, and back at Josh.

Laura speaks for him. “He is family. He’s Josh’s boyfriend.” Marissa nods, smiles, and disappears down the hall. “Will you stay with him tonight? I sent the rest of the family home. Probably should go check on them.”

“Of course,” Tyler nods. She gives him another hug.

“Thank you again, for everything. I’ll see you tomorrow.” One kiss to his cheek later, and she’s gone.

Tyler tells Zack he’s staying the night. Zack says he’ll be back in the morning to pick him up.

After that, Tyler sits back down in his rigid plastic chair and watches. Josh coughs.

“Tyler, I know you’re in here. And I’m a little offended you haven’t climbed into bed with me yet.” he sounds weak and fragile, and Tyler fears he might break him just by touching his arm.

“I’ll probably hurt you.”

“Whatever,” he scoots over despite Tyler’s words, and pats the bed with his casted hand. “Now. Remember, you work for me.”

This time, Tyler chuckles, slips off his shoes, and climbs into the hospital bed. There’s not enough room by far for two grown men, but Josh doesn’t seem to care. Tyler avoids all the wires, Josh’s IV drip, and slides an arm around his waist. Josh presses his face into Tyler’s shoulder.

“You’re wearing the yellow hoodie,” he murmurs. Tyler smiles.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your performance. I really wanted to go.”

“I didn’t even play. Came straight here.”

“Really scared the shit out of my mom, didn’t I?” Josh laughs, grimacing shortly after. Tyler’s ribs break again. “Never meant to. Never meant to freak anyone out.”

“They know. We all know. I’m just glad you’re okay J.”

“They’re going to let you stay?”

“Yeah. Your mom told them I was your boyfriend.”

“That’s the truth, isn’t it?” he sniffs. “Good. I need you here.”

“I’m not leaving.” Tyler scoots closer, kisses Josh’s forehead. “I love you.”

“Love you more,” Josh says, and together, they fall asleep in one giant mass of sweat and tangled limbs.

Tyler visits Josh every single day. He brings Taco Bell and ice cream, and sometimes his ukulele. Those days he sings for Josh, plays every single damn song he’s written until Josh falls asleep or tells him to stop. Except Josh never tells him to stop.

“I’m your biggest fan,” he exclaims, throwing his hands into the air. Tyler blushes.

It snows on Christmas. It’s light and fluffy, just like on Tyler’s birthday. The Dun’s are all at the hospital with Josh, and as much as Tyler wants to be there all day with them, he knows he has to wait. He has relatives over, cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles that all want to catch up with him. He talks with them, opens presents, gives others, and eats lots and lots of food. It seems like he’s never gonna get to leave.

Zack approaches him while Tyler’s in the kitchen stuffing rolls into his mouth. Tyler blushes, tries to swallow all the bread in his cheeks as Zack laughs.

“Hey man, get outta here.” he’s serious, pointing at the garage door with a finger. “I’ll cover for you.”

He swallows, wipes his mouth, eyebrows furrowed. “Seriously?”

“Yeah seriously. Go see him.” Zack beams and steps closer slaps Tyler’s back. “Go. Get outta here.”

Tyler pulls him into a hug. “Thank you so much Zack. For everything.”

“Don’t be a sap. Go to the hospital.” Seven ‘thank you’s’ later, Tyler grabs his bag from his room, shoves Josh’s gift into it, slides his yellow hoodie over his head, dresses himself in two more layers, and finally gets in his car to leave. He’s beyond thankful he moved his car before all the relatives parked in the driveway.

He drives with the radio blasting, singing along to Christmas songs at the top of his lungs.

Laura meets him out in the waiting room, grinning ear to ear. “I thought we’d see you sometime today. Although we kept telling Josh to let it go since it’s Christmas.”

“Of course I was gonna visit. Just had to sneak away from the fam.” he returns the smile and gestures to the gift under his arm. “I have something for Josh. Is it okay if I go in?”

“Sure! I’ll get everyone out, give you two some privacy.” she winks, leaving Tyler red in the face as she disappears back down the hallway. He follows shortly after, and nods at the rest of the family as they exit the room. Abby and Ashley both pause to give Tyler a big hug and wish him Merry Christmas. His heart swells.

Tyler takes one step into the room before Josh speaks. “Tyler?”

“Dang, you’re good.” he laughs as he sits down on the end of the hospital bed. “How are you?”

“Don’t bullshit me. Get up here.” Josh waves an arm, and with another chuckle, Tyler climbs up next to him, sighing happily at his warmth. Josh jumps. “Jesus, you are freezing.”

“Sorry.” Tyler starts to pull away, and Josh shakes his head, pulling Tyler close again.

“Not going anywhere.”

“That’s okay with me.”

“Your Christmas been okay?”

“Yeah! All my relatives are over and stuff. It’s been nice to see them again. Anyways, enough of me. I have a gift for you.”

“Shit, you didn’t have to do that. I don’t have anything for you.”

“I think you have a pretty good excuse. ‘Sides, you’re the best gift a person could get.” Tyler smirks, and Josh snorts.

“Smooth Joseph, smooth.” Tyler thrusts the package into his hands and Josh traces around the edges with his fingers. “It’s a box.”

“Uh, yeah. Open it.”

Josh shakes his head, but doesn’t hesitate to peel off the paper. He feels for the seam, and rips open the flaps. Tyler hovers, just in case he needs help.

He pulls out the first item, a new pair of drumsticks. He feels them, dragging his fingers from top to bottom. “New sticks,” Josh says in disbelief.

“Yeah! For when you start playing again. There’s another thing in there too.” Josh nods, and reaches back in.

The second item is a jacket with camo sleeves. Josh feels this too, rubs the fabric in between his fingers and feels down the zipper. “A jacket?”

“It’s got camo on the sleeves, so people can’t see you.”

He smiles, chuckling a little bit as he gently sticks the items back in the box and reaches for Tyler’s arm. When he finds it, Tyler doesn’t move, he only sits patiently as Josh makes his way up to his jaw. “Didn’t shave today,” Josh says.

“Because I’m lazy,” replies Tyler, grinning. Josh slides a thumb over his cheekbone, up to his nose, his eyebrow, down to his lips. He leans forward, and Tyler meets halfway to kiss him. Josh is soft, he’s always soft, and sometimes it blows Tyler’s mind. He’s brave. He’s so brave.

Josh was a lot of things, but at the moment, he was blue.

He was the bluest damn thing in the world.

When Josh finally gets home, Tyler gets all kinds of new instructions. Josh has to take more medicine now, to prevent any more seizures from happening. They have to be cautious with Josh’s health.

He starts going to therapy during the week now too, and has frequent doctor visits; usually it’s Tyler taking him. But Tyler doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind at all.

The end of the year is approaching quickly, which means another semester of classes. This time though, Tyler thinks he’s finally decided on a major.

They’re in the basement when Tyler tells Josh. Josh is sitting at his drumkit, feeling around, muttering things to himself as his fingers glide over each piece. Tyler watches in amazement.

It’s the first time Josh has come downstairs since the accident. It’s the first time he’s sat at his kit since the accident.

One of his hands is curled tightly around the new sticks Tyler got him for Christmas. “I think I know what I’m doing,” he murmurs, more to himself than Tyler. Tyler answers anyways.

“I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Josh sighs and leans on his elbow. “You’re thinking. Whatcha thinking about?”

“Think I finally figured out what to major in.”

“Huh. What’s that?”

“Music therapy. Combining my two favourite things. Music and helping people.”

Josh grins. “Now that’s one type of therapy I wouldn’t mind. I think that’s a great idea dude. Go for it. As long as you do more open mics, because I’m still pissed you didn’t get to play that one time.”

Tyler rolls his eyes.“I’ll do every open mic if it makes you happy. And I think I will. I just gotta thank you for changing my life so dramatically. Sorry to be such a sap.”

Josh snorts. “Don’t apologize. I love when you’re a sap. Makes me happy.”

“I’m happy. I’m actually, fully happy. And that’s the purpose in life, to be happy.”

“I’m happy too. Everything is blue.” he smiles, and Tyler kisses him.

Josh starts playing the drums again. Tyler starts working towards his major. The world is suddenly a whole rainbow.

Of course, they have sad days. There are days where Josh cries and has nightmares, where he remembers something from his childhood or forgets what someone looks like. And there are days where Tyler can’t think, when his antidepressants don’t help him and he feels like giving up.

When they’re together though, they get through those tough days.

The end of January is nearing when Tyler comes to Josh with a proposition. He’s nervous, has been nervous every time he’s talked to his parents about it, or even Josh’s parents. But everyone is supportive and willing to help.

They’re laying in Josh’s bed together, just like old times, snuggled under blankets with mugs of hot cocoa on the bedside table as snow falls outside. Tyler’s looking at Josh’s face, smiling at the way he always looks so innocent.

“Gotta question for you.”

“What’s that?” Josh doesn’t open his eyes and pushes farther into Tyler’s chest.

“Would you wanna move in with me?”

Josh sits up. “What?”

“I leased an apartment downtown.” Tyler can’t contain his excitement any longer. “It’s right by the community college, and all your doctors and stuff. I talked to my parents, your parents, and everyone is supportive. We could move in the end of February. ‘Course, I’ll have to get a new job.”

“You’re joking.”

“Course not. We’re getting out of here Josh.”

Josh starts crying. He grabs Tyler’s shirt, balls fists in the fabric, and kisses Tyler so hard their heads spin. Tyler laughs and kisses back. He thinks back to when his mother had told him making the right decision wasn't always the easiest one, and realizes he had made the right decision all along.

“Is that a yes then?”

“Yes, a million times yes. I love you. I love you so much.” Tyler holds him as he shakes, and they kiss for forever.

They’re infinite, coated in blue and red and yellow, with fireworks, and bubbly creeks, and the crunch of leaves under feet.

They’re limitless, dancing under silver rain and orange covered skies.

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Crystal Ice and Soft Lips

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