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Episode #15,761
Til Death Do Us Blart 17776
Published November 23, 17776
Well. It's that time of year again.
Against all odds, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 persists.
Sixteen thousand years of literally anything else to do and we're still here. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Y'know, I feel that way now, but for a while in the nine thousands there…
Yeah, that was a rough patch.
You run out of thoughts to have at a certain point.
And in a way that's the beauty of it— there's an art in the repetition, circling back around to something which you've since forgotten.
It's like coming home to an old friend.
That it is… Can you believe they never made a Paul Blart Mall Cop 3?
It's shocking. I mean, it's not like Kevin James disappeared. He could go film it right now if he wanted.
..And maybe it would turn out better, without a script.
Y'know what, Tim? I do not doubt it.
How was everyone's viewing experience this time around?
Well. It certainly wasn't the best.
What'd you do this time, Griff?
[sigh]
As you may recall, I have slowly, over the years, been doing… investigations before every watch.
Right, like the piano and crane incident.
You were really channeling the shadow man that episode.
So what crazy stunt was it now? Did you finally eat the world's ripest banana?
He already did that, Guy. Like 100 years ago, keep up!
Yeah that's sooo last century….. Anyway. So remember the suitcase in the pool incident?
No way.
Dude.
Did you really?
Someone had to. We have infinite time, right? No chance of death, no way to fuck this up. So, I asked the question no one has dared yet to ask: Could Paul Blart really have escaped that suitcase as it was sinking in the pool?
We've got our very own MythBusters over here!
And the verdict…?
Probably not.
Oh. Huh.
Yeah. I mean, an average suitcase, sure, if you could fit in it. Do they even make suitcases that big? Anyway, your average suitcase, you can easily pull the zipper from the inside, if it's not locked— and this one wasn't— but… The bulletproof suitcase in this film… doesn't have a zipper on the inside. It does on the outside! But in the shots where we see Paul Blart struggling to fall down those stairs, there is no zipper visible. So, somehow, by whatever means, he doesn't have access to it, unless there was a flap or something, or it was off-screen somehow?
Ever the detective, you are.
I take my research very seriously. But anyway, yeah. I was able to break out of a suitcase while it was sinking, but in the canon we are presented with, he would not be able to.
But surely, Griffin, through his sheer strength—
Yeah, yeah, Justin, Paul Blart has plot armor. In this case, bulletproof.
Hey actually that's a good point. This suitcase is bulletproof but it's not watertight?
Cutting corners where it could kill someone…
But hey, it didn't!
Not today, death!
Death has missed todays for a loooong time…
…
So…. What about you guys?
Nothing as exciting as yours, unfortunately. But, this year, I noticed something new.
Ooh!
Ohhh we haven't had one of these in a while.
I know, I know! And i thought we'd have talked about it by now, but I guess none of us watched the show…
What show?
Wizards of Waverly Place.
The Disney Channel show?
Yes. And I know, I know, it's been out for ages, before people stopped dying. But I never really got around to watching it back then, I was too old for it but my kids were too young, I just missed the window.
And how exactly does this factor in…?
Well I threw on the show and there was an actor who looked familiar, and after so many years with so many faces, they tend to get mixed up, so it took me a little bit. Then a few episodes later, it hit me. Justin— yes, I know, I know, same name very funny haha— Justin Russo of Wizards of Waverly Place fame…. is Chicken Chow Lane.
Wow. Riveting.
Hey, I know this is a shallow cut, but I'm sure it's plagued some of our younger listeners for eons. So here it is. We finally acknowledged it. You can let go.
Truly, truly moving.
…
Travis, you usually do a list of laughs, right?
Yeah, still goin'.
How'd that work out, any highlights this year?
Well Griffin. My pad of paper is quite bare. Take a look.
There appears to be a single bullet point.
[laughter] What— What made it on there this year?
Here I've written, "hard exhale: bird terrorizes Paul Blart."
I've gotta say, if you had to pick one, of all the scenes… You could do a lot worse.
Before we get too much into the rest of the movie, Tim, Guy— how about an update on your other podcast?
Yeah, sure— The Worst Idea of all Time… it's going… same as ever.
But now that we have infinite time, it's not seeming like such a bad idea after all, is it?
We have been on the forefront of innovation when it comes to media-watching strategies. On the worst idea, we do what no one dares to.
And for the past 300 years, we have been watching Star Wars movies in increments of five seconds a week.
Ah, of course— how could I forget? Are you on the prequels yet?
No, we're just getting into Return of the Jedi. We've got a while before we even have to think about Jar Jar Binks.
And God Bless for that.
You've got at least a few hundred more years before then.
Exactly!
Did anyone feel like in this watch,
Juice what the hell is this
so these guys, right. every year on american thanksgiving, they each watch the same movie and talk about it and record it.
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. It came out in 2015.
they're watching a sequel?
Yes.
ok with the way football has gone i can see how humans would get around to this kind of entertainment ritual
you'd think that, right?
what do you mean
…how long have they been doing this?
lol
HOW LONG??
well uh
Since it came out.
yeah
…you mean they were doing this before people started living forever?
Yes.
pretty much
so they thought they were mortal. had one life. and they spent their finite time doing this?
Indeed.
Wow. I mean. Wow. I guess it takes guts. And they just… kept on doing it?
I mean, they agreed to do it every year until they died, and… no one's died.
That takes dedication…
yeah and it's funny too. one year they stopped talking about the plot entirely and just argued about the best individual frame
humans are weird.