Archive of Our Own

Kaveh woke up to the familiar sensation of a crick in his neck and ache in his back. He leant up and stretched out his arms, hopelessly attempting to alleviate some of the stiffness he surely knows he'll be stuck with for the rest of the day. No matter how many times he's gone through this routine, it doesn't seem to get any easier. Wake up on the Divan, stretch out the constant aches, kiss Alhaitham (if he slept beside him that night), put away the bed sheets under said sofa, and get on with day, rinse and repeat. One would think his body would've become adjusted by now, but no, it's still as stiff and achy as ever. If Alhaitham was here, he knew his boyfriend would massage those aches away, or at least do it while teasing the hell out of him. They may now be in a deeply loving relationship, but expecting a hundred percent kindness from his boyfriend was the equivalent to wishing for rain in the middle of the desert- highly unlikely! And this wasn't Kaveh's fault either: over the past few months of sleeping on the Divan, both him and Alhaitham had migrated many pillows and blankets from their bedroom to the divan, to make the new sleeping location as comfy as possible, but at the end of the day, a divan was still a divan and was incomparable to the comfort of the soft mattress on their bed. Nevertheless, his boyfriend wasn't here and Kaveh's aches were here to stay, regardless of how much he stretched, all he could do now was get on with the day.

There wasn't much excitement planned for today. It was more of a simple one, filled with client meetings and working on said commissions. It wasn't much but it did come with the nice benefit of getting a lye in, that, despite the aches from the divan, was still quite enjoyable. Thank the dendro archon that his first client agreed to a midday meeting. If the choice was between morning or afternoon, Kaveh would gladly pick the afternoon and luckily his client was of the same mindset; it gave him hope that this will be an enjoyable partnership. Similar minds think the same and work in harmony or so the saying goes. However that ain't always true, seeing as Alhaitham was very much a morning person. Not in the wake up early to enjoy the day from the start type, but more the wake up early and start work early so he could end work early type. What wouldn't that man do to avoid unnecessary work. Simple scholar, my ass. But it was that very reason Kaveh was boyfriendless this morning.

Ever since that nightmare of an incident, almost over half a year ago, when Kaveh had made the divan his new temporary home, they had made an arrangement- one that Alhaitham had initially wanted to disagree on, and he said he was the logical one! On nights when the scribe had to be at work extra early or if he was going to have an extra long day, Alhaitham was to sleep in their bed in the bedroom, instead of with Kaveh on the divan. It made no sense for them both to suffer through the pains of sofa aches, especially when one will have to suffer with them for longer. Kaveh being in the divan was unavoidable but there was nothing stopping Alhaitham from sleeping on the bed, except maybe not wanting Kaveh to sleep alone, but that was besides the matter. So after much argument, they agreed on that one and only rule. Yet, despite it being Kaveh's suggestion, adjusting to the rule wasn't easy.

On the first night that Kaveh slept alone again, fear gripped his heart, and he was terrified the nightmares would attack him once more in his sleep. He so desperately wanted to call out to Alhaitham and beg him to sleep next to him, and how easily he knew his boyfriend would. But he had only just won the argument, he couldn't back down at the first obstacle. Strengthening his resolve, Kaveh wrapped the blanket round tighter and thought happy thoughts as slipped into a gentle sleep, leaving Alhaitham none the wiser of the panic he went through that night. After surviving the first night, it became much easier the next time Alhaitham had to sleep in the bedroom, and even more easier the third time and the fourth and so on. It even became quite cute whenever Alhaitham tried to convince Kaveh to let him sleep with him on the divan, and Kaveh had to send him to the bedroom with an equally cute order, and promise they'd get to sleep together the following night. It was simple but it made him feel a little bit more in control, and Alhaitham gave in every time because of that. By now it had long become routine and waking up alone no longer felt distant and scary. Kaveh knew Alhaitham would be back with him tonight.

The road to recovery was a long and tiring journey, but he didn't have to do it alone. Alhaitham had been by his side every step of the way. From scheduling a therapy appointment, to his boyfriend waiting outside as he attended every one, to the simplest of things such as merely moving all scrubbing brushes out of arms reach so Kaveh couldn't hurt himself when he inevitably had a breakdown, or even just switching from glasses to mugs as the main cup of choice. It was all these little things that made everything a whole lot easier. It made the guilt of it all, almost, disappear entirely. This wasn't going to be an easy journey. They knew that, so when he failed, when he broke down or went silent from flashbacks, no one ever blamed him. Whether it was Alhaitham or any of his other friends, they were all there for him. It made accepting that it wasn't his fault a whole lot easier. Even now, Kaveh sometimes blamed himself: if he hadn't taken that drink; if he hadn't gone to lambard's; if he hadn't done countless things, but as the other's reminded him, he wasn't the one who put that drug in his drink, he wasn't and never did ask for that monster to do any of the things he did. It was all that man's fault, and Kaveh could breathe at ease knowing that monster would be rotting behind bars for the rest of his life, he had Alhaitham and cyno to thank for that.

The road to recovery was long but Kaveh had also come a long way. Thinking about it all Kaveh smiled with pride and satisfaction, as he ate his breakfast, reading the message left behind by his boyfriend. Another useless student has added to his workload and he was going to be home late. Nothing Kaveh hadn't dealt with before. He was a big boy now. He could survive just fine on his own. He was doing better, and Kaveh's heart warmed knowing he believed it, as he drank his cold glass of morning juice- glass not a mug. He was dressed and had enjoyed a nice long shower, not touching a single one of the scrubbing brushes and quite happily smiled at his beautiful reflection in the mirror. Today was going to be a good day, minus the aches and breaks across his body. The sun was shining, his mood was good, everything was going to be great.... so of course that was when things had to go wrong.

Kaveh was just about to leave the house, with Mehrak floating by his side, when he realised he was forgetting the most important thing- the contract! Last night, Alhaitham wanted to look it over to make sure he hadn't left any loopholes his new client could take advantage of. Don't get him wrong, Kaveh could write a good contract but he had finished drafting this one up when he was half asleep, and that was a prime opportunity for mistakes to be made, so when Alhaitham requested to proofread it, Kaveh gladly gave it over. Now he thought about it, it wasn't on the coffee table nor did he see it anywhere in the kitchen, the only place it could be was... the bedroom.

Ok. It's fine. Kaveh's fine.

It's just a room.

He's fine!

Archons sake, he's been saying that for the past five minutes. Just go in there and grab it. He can see it on the desk, so he just needs to go and grab it. Simple.

He's fine...

Kaveh can do this.

He can do this.

Again he's been saying that for another five minutes and he's still standing outside the bedroom. The contract hasn't showed any signs of moving closer to him once in that time. It was up to him. Only he could do this. Kaveh couldn't dillydally, he had a meeting to go to. Time was a-wasting, he can't afford to be standing here, and yet here he is. Kaveh promises he'd move if he could but fear has clenched tightly around his heart and locked it secure in an impenetrable cage. Nothing he could do would break it out now. It was getting hard to think straight. His heart was beating rapidly, fighting hard against the so-called imaginary cage, and Kaveh would give anything for Alhaitham to walk through the front door and hold him safe in his arms. Fuck that he'd give anything for just anyone to grab that contract for him. Because he needed that contract.

He can do this.

It just a bedroom.

Breathe.

Take a step. Take another step. One more.

He's in.

It's ok. He can do this. This is his and Alhaitham's bedroom. There is nothing scary about it. He's spent many years here. It's a fine bedroom. Just needs to walk over to the desk and grab that contract. He's got this. He's halfway there already. Just a few more steps. Everything is fine... everything is good.... everything is ok. Just a few more steps. He's fine. He's - not got this. Kaveh's breathing was picking up and his vision was starting to blur, because it's not just a bedroom. It was just a bedroom last time and look what that got him. Oh no, oh no, oh no no no. He can feel those hands over him. He feels like he's being pushed every which way. Kaveh no longer can tell what's left or right, he just runs. He grabs what he hopes is the contract and runs and runs and runs, until he's leaning against the front door panting hard, like all life had left him.

Kaveh gasps for breath.

His body shakes.

Slowly it eases.

Mehrak's familiar presence by his side helps Kaveh gravitate to reality and slowly find his bearings. Steadily he gets his breathing back to normal, and takes a sigh of relief. It's over. In his hands is the very contract he needs, slightly crumpled but he has it. All of that effort wasn't in vain. He had done it. Kaveh won this round.

Bedroom - so many wins,

Kaveh - 1

~~~~~~~~~

Kaveh was late to the meeting.

He had done everything right. He'd got up on time. He didn't waste time whilst getting washed or changed. Everything he needed was securely packed in Mehrak. Kaveh had even left plenty of time for any mistakes or forgetfulness, so when unsurprisingly things came up like forgetting the oh so important contract, he had plenty of time to remedy it. However, he didn't include for any time to calm down after an unaccounted panic attack caused by a stupid bedroom. It was just his bedroom, a room he could enter without problems for years, but ever since that monster laid his hands on him, that bedroom too became a place of nightmares. The man was rotting away in jail, but at times like this it brought Kaveh no solace, knowing that monster had forever damaged him. His bedroom was only one of the many things that had become collateral.

Fortunately, it wasn't all rainy clouds and down hills; there was still some light on the other side. Because he was late, the time on his watch and the cafe clock was testament to that, however the client was also late, and much more than him. For the first time in Kaveh's life, he was grateful a client was late. They were none the wiser that Kaveh wasn't punctual on time and on the bright side, his mishap meant he wasn't waiting around for ages in the cafe. Them both being late meant Kaveh arrived with plenty of time to set up and not long after so did the client. It was perfectly timed, and Kaveh's good first impression for being punctual was still intact. There's always a good side to everything... almost everything.

"I'm so sorry I'm late." The client rushed out, taking the seat opposite Kaveh.

"It's ok. We're all late sometimes, let's just try to not make it a habit." Kaveh replied, ignoring the irony in his words. What the client doesn't know won't hurt them.

"That I can promise. I'm not usually late." the client laughed, easing Kaveh's nerves.

The remaining stress from earlier quickly faded away as he got into the work with the client. They went over the commission and in turn the required contract, and much to Kaveh's relief, the client was very happy with all the terms, not even trying to argue his way out of some of the more nittypicky parts, that, though annoying, were essential. He was glad that his earlier thought, that this client would be easy to work with, was proven correct. Sometimes people just need something nice to get you in a nice mood. After sorting out most of the details, they picked a date for the next meeting where Kaveh would show the first draft blueprint and the client would bring the deposit. All in all, everything worked out nicely and the two parted ways: one off to enjoy the rest of their day, the other to visit their next client.

Now this next client was nothing like the earlier one: he was grumpy, stubborn and rude— and that was at the best of times! He always thought he knew best, but really just wanted to argue and feel superior. It took ages of back and forth for him to agree on something, and most of the time it was the original thing Kaveh suggested at the start. It was a whole lot of hassle for nothing. Kaveh knew he was always going to end up right and on top but, when dealing with this particular client, it took heap load of energy to get there. Kaveh really hated dealing with this man but his mora was shiny and he was offering lots of it, so there was no reason to refuse such a good commission. It wasn't like he was doing any harm to Kaveh, maybe to his mental health but that's a different matter, just being fucking annoying. But hey, if Kaveh could deal with sumpter beasts, and desert creatures, and survive that monster, he could deal with this annoying client. On the bright side, thanks to the lovely client before, where he would find this man unbearable, Kaveh just found him mildly irritating. Just a few more meetings and then he'll never have to deal with this man again!

Soon he was done with that client and then once again off to the next one and the next. Before he knew, it was mid-afternoon and Kaveh was done for the day. His purse was now a little heavier and his pride a little bigger, all joyish at a few jobs well done. Besides the few ups and downs, today has actually gone pretty well. Who said a simple day couldn't be great. The day only consisted of client meetings, a bunch of administrative nonsense with very little creativity but still he ended the day on top. Kaveh thought that earned him a nice reward and at this time of day he was quite craving a good drink. Coincidentally, his last meeting was round the corner from Lambad's Tavern, and what better reward than a drink on Alhaitham's tab— his boyfriend won't mind.

As Kaveh wandered over, he thought over how it had been awhile since he last stepped foot anywhere near the tavern. If this was not long after the incident Kaveh wouldn't have been able to go to his meeting down this street earlier, but in recent days, Kaveh's found himself walking past the building, being meters aways from the tavern, and not thinking anything of it. Compared to before, he's able to talk to previous customers and old friends at the tavern's outside tables, and even order some meat snacks off the outside vendor, all without any problems. A lot has changed in the coming months, and he's gotten a lot better. However, Kaveh still hasn't worked up the courage to actually enter the tavern, but today is a new day and who knows it could be today when all that changes.

It was just a tavern.

It was just a door.

Kaveh had walked this way hundreds of times before, before and after the incident. He knew what he was doing. He could do this. If Kaveh wanted a drink then all he needed to do was walk up to that door, open it and go to the bar and greet kind old Lambad. Oh how lovely it would be to chat with Lambad again. It's not like he hasn't seen the man at all this past year. Occasionally they'd pass each other in the market or some other place and strike up a conversation, but that's nothing like the good old times. It's not the same. Kaveh at the bar, nursing a nice drink, chatting away to Lambad about whatever nonsense that happened that day, and sweet Lambad would just sit back, watching fondly as he cleaned a glass or two. Kaveh would love to live that experience again and it was in his grasp. All Kaveh had to do was open that door and go to the bar and order the drink.

Kaveh could do this. He was walking up to the door. He was almost there. He could do this. He opened the door. Kaveh's got this. He's entered the building. For the first time in a long time, Kaveh has entered Lambad's. He is doing so well... he was doing so well.

Kaveh froze.

He saw the booths round the corner. The specific table where it all happened and he couldn't do it. In his mind's eye, he was seeing that awful man again offering him a drink, and innocently Kaveh took it and drank it and it led to all the awful things happening. That memory played over and over in his head, feeling more real each time. Kaveh felt that if he stayed here any longer, he'd become weak and vulnerable, it would be as if he took that poisoned drink all over again. He couldn't do it. Not again. Once was too much. He couldn't do it again, so Kaveh ran. He turned on his heels and bolted at the tavern, ignoring all the strange looks from people, he didn't have the peace or time to give them any of his thoughts. Kaveh just ran. He ran all the way home and still didn't stop.

Once home, he beelined for the storage in the kitchen, heading straight to the crates of wine, not calming down till he opened a bottle and downed it. Then he grabbed another, and one more for luck. He got his drink at last but now he was drinking for a whole different reason and it made his reward feel bittersweet. All Kaveh wanted was a drink. That's all he wanted that day too. Why did things have to turn out this way? Kaveh grabbed another bottle and dragged his feet over to the divan in the living room. He grabbed the blanket from under his sofa and wrapped it around him tightly, in the closest way he could get to a hug in his miserable state, and continued to drink. Lying in the thing he currently called his bed, Kaveh drank the bottle of wine, whilst he tried not to cry, drinking the only drink he had that was safe to consume. An uncorked bottle, an untampered drink, a safe beverage. The crates of wine Alhaitham got were technically from Lambad's tavern, so in a roundabout way, Kaveh managed to get his drink from Lambad's in the end... it still wasn't the same though.

~~~~~

When Alhaitham finally got home that evening, he was greeted by the sad sight of Kaveh passed out drunk on the divan surrounded by bottles of alcohol. He didn't know what caused this scene but he knew it was nothing good. Alhaitham hadn't run into a sight like this in a long while, and back then it never was for a nice reason either. He hated seeing it, but felt helpless every time. There wasn't much he could do right now besides clear up the bottles, and pull the blanket back over Kaveh. He shouldn't have to be cold as well as sad. Then there was little more he could do but wait for Kaveh to wake up.

Not being one to waste time, Alhaitham took advantage of the quiet to get on with the jobs he needed to do. To start off with, he put away his work stuff in the bedroom, tidied up the bed from the state he left it in (ever since he started dating Kaveh, Alhaitham couldn't get a perfect sleep without his boyfriend in his arms) and started making dinner. It was one of Kaveh's favorites; he made enough for two, hoping that the yummy aroma would be enough to entice his boyfriend out of his alcohol induced coma, and if he was successful then Kaveh certainly should have a portion ready to eat.

However, luck wasn't on Alhaitham's side, no matter how delicious he made the food, Kaveh made no signs of stirring. It worried him. He couldn't remember that last time he saw Kaveh get this drunk. Just thinking about it made him lose his appetite. He dropped his fork back on his plate, and moved the rest of the food into the cool box, along with Kaveh's portion. He just couldn't eat. Not with the uncomfortable lump in his thought and ache in his heart. Alhaitham just wanted Kaveh to be happy. He just wanted him to be ok. He wanted to know that he will be ok. And if he wasn't he'd want to make it so. Alhaitham wanted to take all his boyfriend's problems and whisk them away. Sometimes he wishes he was all powerful just so he could make everything better for Kaveh. But he wasn't. Instead he felt helpless and useless to Kaveh right now. He had no idea what led to this situation so no idea if he had any power to fix it at all. He just wanted to hold Kaveh safe and tight in his arms... so that was what he did.

Trying not to disturb Kaveh, Alhaitham lifted up the blanket and gently slid in beside him. Like always, the divan was no way as comfortable as their bed, but with Kaveh in his arms, Alhaitham really didn't care. They could be curled up on a bed of spiky rocks but as long as he was with Kaveh, it would be the comfiest bed known to man. Kaveh made everything better. Feeling the warmth of his boyfriend, Alhaitham felt his own muscles relax, and his body slowly melted into the sofa, curling up nicely against Kaveh. Gradually, his eyelids started to feel heavy, and Alhaitham decided he could do with a quick nap.

~~~~~~~~

 

When Kaveh opened his eyes he found himself to be warmer than normal. Latent sleepiness clouded his mind and he didn't think much of it. Instead he leant into the warmth, wanting it to stay with him forever. It was only when said warmth moved did his body jolt and slightly wake up. That was when he noticed that the warmth had an additional weight to it and said weight was wrapped tightly around him in a comforting hug. Noticing all these elements made a smile blossom on his face, knowing he just woke up into the most blissful heaven and it was exactly the thing he needed.

"Hello lovely." Kaveh sleepily croaked,

"mmm" Alhaitham hummed, pulling Kaveh closer to his chest.

"You comfortable?"

"uhuh." Alhaitham hummed again, eyes still closed, perfectly happy where he was.

"Well too bad. Up!" Kaveh instructed, slowly freeing himself from his boyfriend's hold as he pushed the other up, much to the other's displeasure.

"Mean." Alhaitham groaned. He turned to his boyfriend and pouted, missing his huggable pillow.

"Cute." Kaveh laughed, leaning his head on Alhaitham's shoulder, "If only you were like this all the time."

"I am in the morning. You would see it more if you'd let me stay with you last night." Alhaitham moped, provoking another laugh out of Kaveh.

The blonde couldn't help but fondly stare at the other. Oh he really was lucky to have this cute junior for a boyfriend, even when he tries to guilt trip him out of logical rules- "Hey, we've discussed this. On early starts or long days, you sleep in the bed and me on the divan. I miss your sleepy, cute face too, but it's not worth sacrificing a goodnight's sleep for you, especially when you really need it."

"I'd sleep better with you by my side."

"And me with you too."

"So can't we forget that rule and let me stay with you in the divan indefinitely." Alhaitham begged, staring at him with big old puppy dog eyes, "Wouldn't it be best for the both of us."

Kaveh couldn't help but laugh at that in a bittersweet way, "I think the bed would be better for both of us."

Alhaitham paused at that and turned to face Kaveh properly. He leveled his eyes and got a good look at his boyfriend, a serious shine in his eyes. "Are you ready for that?"

"I'm-" Kaveh sighed, wanting to say yes more than anything but his mind went straight to this morning and the absolute failure of a venture into the bedroom. The room itself caused him to panic, now think what the bed could do.... but he so wanted that normalcy, to be better. "I don't know.... though I went into the bedroom this morning."

"Really!" Alhaitham Cheered, "That's great news.... isn't it?"

"I ended up falling into a massive panic five minutes in." Kaveh dejectedly admitted, "It was so much fun."

The aura of self-deprecation was vividly radiating off Kaveh that Alhaitham felt compelled to wrap his arm round the other and pull him tight. "Kaveh, we've discussed this too. You don't need to force yourself-"

"That's the thing I wasn't... I'm following the doctor's orders. Going at my own pace but god it's tiring and slow." Kaveh mocked, "To the point when I'm corned I can't even push myself just to complete a simple task."

"What do you mean?" Alhaitham softly asked,

"You left the contract in the bedroom, the one I needed for my new client." Kaveh explained, not an ounce of hatred or blame in his voice.

"Oh... I'm-"

"It's ok. We all forget things- hell I've forgotten loads."

"That I can attest to." Alhaitham smirked, quickly dodging a punch from the other,

"Oi!" Kaveh shrieked continuing his half-hearted attack, "That was uncalled for."

"But true."

"Fine. Fine. Fine! I can't argue with that." Kaveh relented, falling into fits of soft laughter, and Alhaitham felt his heart warm, and the pair both felt at ease. This sight was much more preferable to earlier.

"Can I ask, is that what set you up to drink so much tonight?" Alhaitham delicately probed,

"That's the funny thing, no. As a matter of fact, despite it I've had a great day. Earned some good money, survived through annoying clients and discovered some people i'm looking forward to working with.... it was all going well until I stepped into Lambad's tavern."

"You went into Lambad's." Alhaitham exclaimed, unable to not pick up any bits of good news.

"Yeah." Kaveh softly replied, feeling a little bit of pride at his boyfriend's excitement, "I finally stepped inside... only got a few feet in before I saw the table and started having flashbacks, but-"

"You made it inside." Alhaitham pointed out, "Screw the bad stuff. Kaveh you made it inside. You haven't been able to do that since ... it's something you should be proud of."

"I just wished I could go all the way. Wished I could walk into our bedroom like it's normal because it should be." Kaveh frustratedly stated.

"I can understand that, but you are making progress." Alhaitham gently grabbed Kaveh's chin, tilting it so they were locking eyes, "Small progress is equally as good as big and I think it should be celebrated. I made dinner and it's one of your favourites. I'll go warm it up."

Alhaitham gave Kaveh a quick kiss then made his way to the kitchen, leaving Kaveh in the living room to think over his words. Small progress is equally as good as big progress... Kaveh knows that. Kaveh knows he knows that. He was the first to celebrate when he drank out of a glass for the first time again. It was just a glass but he didn't break down over it. Small progresses are big deals too, but it's almost been a year since the incident- fuck it! It's almost been a year since he was drugged and raped. He's lost a year of his life to that monster, he doesn't want to lose any more. Yes he's been making small progress but isn't it time big ones started happening. Isn't it time for him to finally get back to normal or at least some form of a new normalcy. Archons, he wishes to sleep in Alhaitham's arms every night. He wishes he was back in their bed! For celestia's sake, the divan no longer feels like a sanctuary, just an uncomfortable sleeping place he's stuck with every night — isn't that a sign!

Maybe it's time?

Ok. He knows what Alhaitham said. Kaveh knows. He's not forcing himself‒ he promises! But.... he knows what happened this morning, he's not an idiot, but he survived it... minus a minor breakdown.... but he survived it. He knows what he's doing, or at least he thinks he does, because he doesn't know when exactly he left the living room, but Kaveh now finds himself standing in front of their bedroom door and there is conviction in his eyes and determination in his heart. Alhaitham is in the kitchen, warming up dinner if Kaveh remembers, but that's fine. He doesn't need Alhaitham. He can do this alone. Better yet, it might be easier if he does it alone. No negative connotations with being in the room alone, being on a bed alone, because that was his goal. Kaveh was going to lie down on their bed, like it was perfectly normal. Because it is, and Kaveh can do this.

His hand was on the door knob now. That was more progress then this morning, keep it up Kaveh. He can do this. Already got over the obstacle of the room once; he can do it again and this time go a little further. Sure, his hand is shaking but nerves are a good thing. It means his adrenaline is pumping and he can use it to push him forward. Push him forward is what he does and he walks straight through the doorway like he's the boss and there's nothing this inanimate object can do to stop him. Kaveh was in charge. No door, no room, no monster was allowed a say over his life!

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

Keep going.

He was doing this. Kaveh was doing this. Just a few more steps and he's in the middle of their bedroom; in the same place things went wrong this morning, but that won't happen this time.

BREATHE!

Kaveh deep breaths.

It is not just a bedroom- it's his bedroom! The room he and Alhaitham share. His beloved bedroom. There's portraits and photos scattered all over the walls, some he drew, others captured on the Kamera the traveller got them. His personal favourite was the one with him and the traveller and those kids who wanted to learn to draw. The traveller's amateur drawing was nice and they enjoyed Kaveh's feedback. That was a fond memory, and he got to bask in it once more, seeing the photo on the wall. There in the corner are the books he loves to read; the one's Alhaitham is equally obsessed with. If it wasn't for Kaveh, Alhaitham wouldn't understand the beautiful genre of romance. Oh and how could Kaveh forget how the sunlight shines through the window at just the right angle, even at sunset, that it looks just divine.

This was nice. All these sweet memories pushed the fear away and Kaveh felt he could relax. This was his bedroom. In his home. It's a safe place. A beautiful place. He has claimed it back. It's his once more. He did it. In the centre of the bedroom Kaveh stands, the victor. He's at the top of the podium and he's not stopping there. The bedroom was only the first step to his master plan and now it's time to complete the rest. He can see it. It's just before him. His beautiful, comfy bed. Kaveh can see it calling to him. His bed misses him just as much as Kaveh misses it, so like a sailor to a siren, Kaveh obeys the call and runs up to the bed and jumps right on. He falls gracefully into the mattress and welcomes the comfort that engulfs him. Kaveh gladly melts into the peace and closes his eyes in relaxation so happy to be back. Oh how he's missed this. Everything is great again. Everything is perfect again. Kaveh is back in control again. Everything is.... and then Kaveh opens his eyes and everything is... Kaveh opens his eyes and he...

SCREAMS!

~~~~~

Alhaitham was peacefully working away in the kitchen, feeling like everything was right in the world again. Kaveh was smiling and laughing and he had had a good day, with some ups and downs of course, but don't all good things have some negatives. Who cares, in Alhaitham's books it counts as good news. From what Kaveh told him he's made such great progress today; he should be so proud and he really hopes that Kaveh is or at least will be. Alhaitham knows when he serves up this plate of delicious food, Kaveh will smile all over again and will remember to appreciate the little things; Kaveh was the one who taught Alhaitham to do that after all. He knows he can get that spark properly lit back up. All it will take is some extra love, and likely a good meal. Alhaitham knows Kaveh likely needs it. Now where is Kaveh?

With a warm plate of food, Alhaitham walked back to the other room, to greet his boyfriend, but he couldn't. The living room was empty. Kaveh wasn't there. He was nowhere to be seen. Their house wasn't that big so where could he be? Alhaitham didn't hear the front door open at any point, so he's surely still in the house, but there aren't many places left that he'd expect Kaveh to be. The house was small and consisted of just a few rooms: living room, kitchen, bathroom, and two bedrooms. They had converted Kaveh's old bedroom to his work station when they started dating, though that didn't stop him from covering the living room in his stuff. That room seemed like the likely candidate but Alhaitham knew Kaveh couldn't be there, because that room was right next door to the kitchen. Kaveh would've had to walk past Alhaitham to reach it and to this day, despite his efforts, Kaveh has yet to successfully sneak past him. Is he in the bathroom? There's no water running though... Alhaitham's stomach churned as a worried thought popped in his head: What's going on?

The universe must really hate them today because his question was answered in the worst way possible- a violent scream. The plate of food fell to the floor, shattering in shards, long forgotten. Alhaitham was running now, running with one thought on his mind: he had to get to Kaveh. Alhaitham had to get to Kaveh; he needed to hold him in his arms and keep him safe; he needed to make everything ok, because everything wasn't ok. Why couldn't they be ok? Alhaitham was running. His heart was beating fast, and his mind was in a panic. This was all too reminiscent of before. Before, when he had discovered what that monster had done. It was all too much the same. Kaveh was alone, likely in distress and Alhaitham was too far away, running to reach him, once again. It was just like last time, because despite the fact last time he was running from Lambad's to home, right now the distance from the living room to Kaveh felt equally miles away, and he just couldn't run fast enough.

"Kaveh!" Alhaitham screamed, "Kaveh! I'm coming."

Alhaihtam panted but didn't stop running.

"Kaveh! ...Kaveh! Kaveh!!!" Alhaithm yelled each one more desperate. Running hoping thing wouldn't be as bad as he imagined.

At last Alhaitham stopped, sighing "oh... Kaveh...."

It took three minutes for Alhaitham to find him. Three minutes for him to run to the bathroom. Three minutes. It was only three minutes, but it was the longest three minutes of his life, and it was three minutes too long! Because there Kaveh was, curled up between the toilet and the bath, obvious signs of puke around the bowl, shaking hard, looking scared out his mind. His arms were wrapped tightly around himself and Alhaitham didn't think even an archon's strength would be enough to get him to let go. The only thing Alhaitham was glad about was that they had moved all the scrubbing brushes, and similar sharp and dangerous objects, out of arm's reach, because it was clear Kaveh attempted to get to them. There were knocked over containers and bottles of shampoo, body wash etc, all over the bath and floor; the aftermath of Kaveh's desperate search before he eventually gave up and resorted to simply digging his nails into his arms. There were small beads of blood where Kaveh's nails broke into his skin, but that damage was incomparable to the scale of what he could have done with something else, so Alhaitham would settle with that as a success.

"Kaveh?" Alhaitham softly called out, doing his best to get his boyfriends attention, but he was sadly met with no reaction, so he changed his tactic.

Slowly Alhaitham knelt down, doing his best to stay in Kaveh's line of sight but it was a difficult thing to do when Kaveh's eyes kept darting around, whilst simultaneously looking glazed over and vacant, like he was lost in a distant memory- or more likely a nightmare. Alhaitham wasn't even sure Kaveh had registered he was here, but still, Alhaitham moved with caution just in case, plus his boyfriend deserved that care and respect. Soon Alhaitham was sat down besides Kaveh, leaving enough distance for Kaveh to not feel crowded but still feel in control. He still felt too far away but he'd go at whatever pace Kaveh needed, and not a second too fast. Only when Kaveh says so, Alhaitham will hold him, and if that's not what Kaveh needs right now, then that's perfectly ok and he'll just continue to stay by the other's side.

"Kaveh? It's Alhaitham, your boyfriend, can I touch you?" Alhaitham asked, trying to find some sort of recognition in Kaveh's eyes.

The response was instant, Kaveh rapidly shook his head and Alhaitham instantly backed off. Better yet, that wasn't the only response he got. Since Alhaitham's question, Kaveh started repeating something over and over. Being sat down enabled Alhaitham to just about be able to make it out.

"Dirty."

That couldn't be right.

"Kaveh? Could you repeat that for me a little louder? It's ok take your time."

"Dirty. Dirty.... Dirty. DIRTY! I'M DIRTY." Kaveh screamed, before falling back into himself, terrified he spoke too loud.

Alhaitham's heart broke at that and it was as if he was finding Kaveh in the bathroom, his body scrubbed raw and bloody, all over again. "Oh Kaveh... you're not dirty. No love your not dirty at all."

Alhaitham wanted to lean over and grab Kaveh's hand and kiss everything better, but he held himself back.

"I am. I am. I am." Kaveh cried, burying his head in his arms, before a thought struck him, making him panic even more, "Don't tell Alhaitham. Please don't tell him. He can't know."

"I won't. I promise. I won't tell him." Alhaitham reassured, trying everything and anything to make things better. "I promise I won't say, so tell me, what do you need? Anything, just tell me, please."

"Alhaitham. I want my boyfriend... he's my safety...but..." Kaveh hiccuped over a sob,

"But?"

"But will he still love me?" Kaveh weeped, staring down at his supposedly dirty body, "After what happened."

"Oh Kaveh." Alhaitham thought his heart couldn't shatter any further, "Of course, he will still love you. I will always love you. Oh Kaveh I love you so much and there's nothing you or anyone can do to stop that. Hun, I'm so sorry."

"Alhaitham?"

"Yes. Yes, Yes." Alhaitham broke into his own tears, "It's me Kaveh. I'm right here. Right next to you I promise."

"When did you get here?" Kaveh asked, nervous about what that meant, "Did you see? Did you see what happened- I can explain..."

At that moment Alhaitham understood exactly what was going through Kaveh's mind... and it made him sick.

"No Kaveh. I didn't see, but I know what happened." Kaveh visibly panicked at that, "I'm so sorry, because if I did see I would've stopped it. I wouldn't have let that monster do anything. I would have kept you safe."

The two were crying together. On separate ends of a bathtub but they were united, crying over a memory only one was tragically forced to live through.

"You're really here... not a figment of my imagination?" Kaveh asked, terrified he was wrong.

"Yes ... can I touch you? Can I hold you?" Alhaitham asked again, now Kaveh was a bit more aware, the answer may be different.

"Please."

That was all Alhaitham needed before he was quickly pulling Kaveh into his lap, holding him tight in his arms, forever safe. Kaveh in turn melted into the embrace, tucking his head under Alhaitham's chin, to keep himself properly protected and continued to hide.

"Is he going to come back?"

"Who Kaveh?"

"... The monster?" and oh Kaveh's voice was so quiet and so vulnerable, Alhaitham wanted to go back in time and hurt that man all over again.

"He's gone forever Kaveh. You're safe. The monster is locked up and will never see the light of day again." Alhaitham reminded, "You're at home with me and I'm going to keep you safe forevermore, I'm sorry I couldn't then."

"Not your fault." Kaveh weakly whispered,

"It's not yours either."

"I'm home?"

"Yes Kaveh. We are sat in the bathroom. You can feel my arms around you right?" Kaveh nodded "We're home. Where are you?"

"In the room. On the bed. Where he raped me."

"Ok. Ok... ok." Alhaitham hugged Kaveh tighter and pressed a kiss to his head.

"But I'm in the bathroom with you... I threw up. I remember." Kaveh slowly strung his thoughts together.

"That's good." Alhaitham nodded, feeling relief wash over him, "What happened love?"

"I? I... I... was..." Kaveh tired and stopped, struggling to put a sentence together when his mind was in two places at once.

"Heeeeyyy..." Alhaitham consoled, gently rocking the other, "It's ok. Take your time. We've got all the time in the world. So deep breath."

Alhaitham breathed in deeply and Kaveh followed in suit, "And out.. that's it. There's no rush. Now let's try again. What happened?"

"I wanted to be better?"

"I'm listening."

Kaveh snuggled closer into his boyfriend, sniffling he continued "I wanted to feel better, like I felt I wasn't making big progress and I was tired of it. I'm tired of sleeping on the divan. I miss my bed ... I miss our room. I miss you... so I... I .."

"It's ok. It's ok. Take a breath then continue." Alhaitham reminded.

Kaveh took a deep breath and tried again, "I tried to take back control. Whilst you were in the kitchen, I tried going back in our bedroom... and I did it. I successfully stood in the middle of the room and made it feel like my room again. It was nice... but that wasn't my goal. I wanted my bed- our bed- so I went and laid down on the bed and it was nice and comfortable ... then I opened my eyes and ... and ..."

Kaveh's breath started to pick up and Alhaitham could feel his boyfriend's heart rate increasingly, seconds after they started to calm it down.

"Kaveh. Kaveh. Look at me. Kaveh. Steady breaths ok. In.... out.... in .... out. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. If you can't it's ok. Just focus on breathing with me." Alhaitham instructed, making sure Kaveh was facing and listening to him. He breathed in and out and watched Kaveh do the same. He kept going, refusing to calm down until he saw Kaveh's body relax, only then did he release the tension in his own body, and lean against the bath for reassurance.

"It's ok. That's good. Thank you Kaveh."

Kaveh leaned back into Alhaitham, actively hugging him now, "When I opened my eyes I was back in that room, back on that bed... and he was there. It was like he was raping me all over again."

Alhaitham was lost for words. He couldn't imagine what that was like and he hated that Kaveh could. He hated that Kaveh had to live through that. He hated that even though it's over, his mind can force him to live through it again and again. Once again, Alhaitham was powerless to do anything but hold Kaveh tighter and wish Kaveh's mind would just be nicer to him. His sweet boyfriend didn't deserve any of this. Yet it happened and there was nothing that could be done to change the past, all they could do is try to survive for the future. So Alhaitham hugged Kaveh nice and tight, just the way he knew Kaveh liked it and gently rocked him, soothing him slowly. He hugged him, loved him, and didn't complain as he felt his top grow warmer, and wetter.

"I'm sorry." Kaveh quietly cried, "I'm really sorry. I know you said not to push myself, and I swear I wasn't trying to. I didn't mean to cause a flashback. I just hated it. I just... I'm really sorry."

"Shhhh, it's ok Kaveh. It's not your fault." Alhaitham promised, "Remember what the doctor said, we got to take this at your pace. We've been making so much progress this year and now cleary it seems we've started going a bit slow. You wanted to challenge yourself, then we will, but safely. I'll follow your lead and we'll make it happen, because I'm here for you every step of the way. You did well today, well done. You beat the bedroom, good on you. The bed will be an obstacle for another day."

The pair continued to rock side to side in the bathroom, Alhaitham finding comfort in Kaveh's breathing presence as much as Kaveh did of him. Kaveh relaxed fully into the hug, knowing his boyfriend would gladly accept his weight. Alhaitham would be the pillar of support for both of them tonight. That was ok. Everything wasn't ok but it will be. The last few tears dripped down Kaveh's face, before his eyes slowly grew heavier and eventually closed. The weight of the day had finally taken its toll and the sweet boy fell into sleeps warm embrace, where at last he got a blissful rest. Alhaitham in turn, lifted Kaveh up in his arms and carried him back to the living room. Gently he settled him down onto the divan, wrapping the blanket round him, only to soon follow after. Snuggly, Alhaitham settled himself under the blanket, head on the pillow, arms round Kaveh where they should always be, and drifted off to sleep to join his boyfriend in a well earned rest.

The broken plate and bathroom mess was a problem for the morning.

~~~~~~

From that day on, the pair decided it was time to change tactics. They had gone slow and steady, as the doctor instructed, for a while now, but it's finally time to pick up the pace, but safely and with a thousand safety nets around them for every attempt at every new challenge. Today's challenge was a simple delivery pick up, but it wasn't any ordinary delivery- no it was some new crates of wine from Lambad's which were always required to be picked up at the tavern in person. The challenge, that Kaveh had personally requested, was for Kaveh to go pick them up whilst Alhaitham was at work. Alhaitham had initially suggested for Kaveh to come along when he picked them up after work, however, Kaveh knew he had no clients today so was practically free for most of the day. Instead he suggested he pick them up in the middle of the day when it's quieter, compared to the busy period that aligns with when Alhaitham finishes work. Alhaitham was worried about Kaveh going alone, but conceded as long as Kaveh promised to send Merhak to find him if anything happened. Even that wasn't enough and Kaveh had to relent to his boyfriend writing a letter to Lambad to let him know Kaveh would be picking the crates up- and please look after him.

Overprotective boyfriend!!! It's embarrassing! But at least the matter was settled.

It had been a few weeks since Kaveh's breakdown in the bathroom, and coincidentally, a few weeks since his failed attempt to venture inside Lambad's. Alhaitham said it didn't count as a failure because he had actually managed to go inside the building, which was a huge improvement compared to before, but Kaveh would like to beg to differ, arguing that backing out halfway didn't count as a true success. They agreed to disagree on the matter and that was that. The point is, despite not coming anywhere near this tavern since that day, Kaveh has entered the building and if he did it once he could do it again.

It was just a building. Just a tavern. Kaveh reminded himself as he left the house and continued to do so the whole walk up to the tavern. He wasn't alone; he had Mehrak by his side and worse comes to worse Mehrak will fetch Alhaitham if things go wrong. Although Kaveh hated the many conditions he had to agree to, in order to go on this excursion alone, now he stood outside the building, he was rather thankful for that one. He was back outside the building, the same place he was a few weeks ago. He had come so far back then only to be pushed back by a stupid table and a stupid memory. Kaveh wanted to do this. He wanted to be able to enter the tavern and chat away with Lambad as he fetched their order... but he wanted that back then too and he only made it a couple meters into the building, before he was running right back out again. Would that happen again today? His stomach flipped at the possibility of failure. Would all his effort be for nothing? Will he forever be resigned to never go inside and enjoy the joys of one of his favourite places ever again?

NO!

The idea of never being able to go inside Lambad's again was worse more than anything else that currently ran through his mind. Sure being taken advantage of again was a lot worse, but that doesn't happen every day. Lambad's used to be Kaveh's safe space; the place he could retreat to after a bad day; the place he could go to when he couldn't go home or when he didn't even have a home at all. Lambad and his tavern had always been there for him, and it wasn't his fault what happened to Kaveh. It could have happened at any tavern. Sadly, it just so happened to be this one. But it happened. It's in the past. That monster is locked up. And Kaveh refused to let him take anything more away from him!

That was enough motivation to drive Kaveh forward, pushing him through the entrance, with enough adrenaline to continue marching all the way up to the bar counter, where Lambad was waiting to greet him. The kind, and wise, bartender stood behind the counter, polishing a glass. Nonchalantly, Lambad greeted Kaveh with a smile. Neither of the pair commented upon how this was the first time Kaveh had properly entered the establishment, or how Merhak was frantically scanning Kaveh's vitals, ready to notify Alhaitham the second his stress levels got too high. In that moment, they were just bartender and customer, the same as always on any ordinary day. It was exactly what Kaveh needed in order to get through this, just some normalcy, something he's been seriously missing for a while.

Lambad signalled to wait just a minute as he placed the glass away under the counter, "I assume your here for the crates of wine."

"Yep." His response was prompt, but there were no signs of the deep fear he was feeling. A gentle smile was all the world needed to see whilst he waited for Lambad to grab the wine, "Mehrak I can see you scanning me. Calm down I'm fine."

Mehrak stopped and looked at Kaveh, like really looked at him.

"Oi!" Kaveh laughed, whacking his mechanical friend on the side, "I'm fine. I promise."

"Here ya go lad. Ten crates of wine like usual. Just need you to sign the order to form so it can officially be marked as collected."

"That I can do." Kaveh declared, taking the form from Lambad and quickly signing his name off on the dotted line, "All done."

"Thank you." Lambad put the form back with the other important bits of paper, "Do you need a hand with those crates or anything else."

Kaveh was already picking up a stack of three crates, when Lambad asked, "Nah, I'm quite alright. I'm quite strong and Mehrak's got the others." He signalled over to where his trusty briefcase was levitating the rest.

It was good to see Kaveh acting like his usual carefree self, so much that he really didn't want to see the other guy go so soon, "You sure there's not anything else I can do. What about a drink on the house?"

If Lambad had asked him that a year ago, Kaveh would be jumping for joy and holding himself back from hugging the life out of the man. A free drink always seemed to brighten his mood, especially if it was one of his favourites made by Lambad. However, time passed and things had happened. Things that forever changed Kaveh's outlook on the world. It was no longer the ever shining place he hoped it could be. Even this taven now had darkened in his memories, because a free drink started all of this. Kaveh's favourite thing led to his downfall. Simply looking around the tavern made his heart clench and a breath get caught in his throat. It was lovely to be here; it was lovely to feel normal; it was lovely to talk to Lambad at the bar... but that loveliness was starting to fade and all the nightmares were starting to seep back in. Kaveh didn't know how much longer he could last.

"Maybe another time." Kaveh breathed out, his mask actively breaking.

"Ok then... It was nice to see you Kaveh." Lambad sighed, accepting Kaveh's answer with a sad disappointment in his heart, "You get home safe."

"Thank you. I will." Kaveh nodded walking towards the exit, before he briefly stopped and turned back to Lambad, smiling, "It was good to see you too, here in the tavern. I hope to do it again sometime."

That was his final remark before he left the building, feeling a newfound satisfaction. He had done it. He had actually done it. It was terrifying, but exhilarating. He found it easier to breathe with each step away he moved from the building and with that ability back, it allowed him to view everything clearly. One of his biggest obstacles since everything happened, he had mostly got over. Kaveh may not be at the stage of walking into the bar and ordering a drink like normal, but that no longer was out of the realm of possibilities. He had entered the building and actually stayed there. Stayed long enough to have a quick conversation with Lambad like old times, and to tease Merhak for worrying. It wasn't everything but it was something.

"Now Merhak, that's what I call a proper success." Kaveh cheered, "Let's get home. I'm sure Alhaitham won't complain about me opening one of these up in celebration."

~~~~~~~~~~

It had now officially been just over a year since the incident and Kaveh was making progress. He hated how a whole year of his life was, in a way, taken from him thanks to that monster and he still had some more progress to go. It was just one step at a time, he had to keep reminding himself. No one was rushing Kaveh but Kaveh, so perhaps he should be kinder to himself and listen to his body. He's been getting better at that lately. However he does feel like he's been keeping himself too much within his comfort zone, afraid to step out of his box of safety. So far that hasn't been a problem or too much of one, but he didn't realise how much he was restricting himself.... until today.

It had been a while since Cyno, Tighnari, Alhaitham and Kaveh all had a chance to hang out, just the four of them all together. They were all busy people with conflicting schedules so when an opportunity where they were all free appeared, they always made sure to snap it up and hang out. This didn't used to be a problem, since most of them were busy during the day but the night/evening was a completely different matter; it was easier to meet then. In the past they would meet once per week at Lambad's, on whatever day works that week. However since the incident occurred, Lambad's had no longer been an option. Kaveh was initially really worried about that, but it was his friends who were the ones that suggested they changed the location and ever since then they've been meeting at Puspa cafe.

Sadly that's where the problem occurred. Cafe's and similar meet up spots had shorter opening hours compared to a tavern like Lambad's. It meant they were quite restricted in the times they could all hang out together and it always had to be during the day- that's when they were the busiest! It unfortunately meant their meetups had become further and further apart. They occasionally hung out just two or three of them together but it never quite hit the same without them all being there. After so long they finally found time to meet up again and were gathered round a table in the corner of the cafe, playing a good game of TCG.

"Ha! You just lost to my sole Kaveh card. I told you I knew what I was doing!" Kaveh cheered, relishing in Alhaitham's defeat,

"Wow. Kaveh what did you do to get your card to be so good." Cyno asked, amazed at such a win. It made him excited to play against Kaveh next.

"Nothing, the creator just knows how good I am so he made a worthy card to match me." Kaveh boasted, and oh archon did it warm everyone's heart to see Kaveh smiling like his usual self.

Alhaitham couldn't stop himself from laughing.

"Oi!" Kaveh exclaimed, "You're just a sore loser at the fact I beat you so spectacularly,"

"Fine you bested me, now try beating Cyno." Alhaitham challenged, hiding a smirk behind his drink as he took a sip of afternoon tea.

"Bring it! "

"I'm all ready Kaveh. I do love a challenge." Cyno declared, his deck already pulled out and set up ready to play.

"You two do that. I'm going to grab another cup of tea. The blend here is really nice." Tighnari declared, leaving the pair to obsess over their game.

Whilst the pair played TCG, Alhaitham simply watched from the sidelines. It was far more enjoyable to see Kaveh fall into the swing of things and truly be himself, than any book he could read to pass the time. In fact he'd trade all the books in his library to keep this moment lasting forevermore. It was truly lovely. He got to see the sides of his boyfriend he thought were long forgotten. A gentle smile. An exhilarated spark of competitiveness in his eyes. That carefree weight in Kaveh's movements that made him look as if stress never pulled him down. For once Kaveh looked free. A happy Kaveh was the most beautiful sight in the world and Alhaitham was getting front row seats. Despite not doing anything, he was having the time of his life.

Meanwhile, Kaveh and Cyno were having an equally great time. They were in the midst of a tense battle of TCG and were currently at a standstill. Both of them had already eradicated one strong card from each other's deck but both parties seemed to stay standing strong. They were keeping their cards close to their hearts, refusing to give any hints to their inner thoughts and showed no signs of backing down yet. They were fighting equally hard to get the edge on the other, but each time some did something to give them the upper hand, the other would quickly counteract it, putting them back on par. The further the game went on, the question was raised: would someone rise to triumph or would they reach round 15 and both be forced to admit defeat? It was one hell of a game, and the pair were enjoying every second of it.

"Wow. That was clever Cyno. I would have lost if I didn't have this card." Kaveh admitted,

"Why thank you, Kaveh, I do try to challenge my opponents."

"Well this is certainly a challenge. An exciting challenge too." Kaveh agreed, looking through his cards, deciding on his next move.

All was going well. They were on round ten and finally down to their last card each. They had both gotten pretty good dice rolls and the cards in the hand were all great choices. At this point it was still anyone's game. The anticipation was high and the excitement was thrilling. Alhaitham was even curious about who would win. All attention was on this game and they were ready to give it their all, but just when Cyno was about to place down his card, Tighnari returned to end their game prematurely,

Calmly Tighnari returned back to the others, with a clear lack of a drink in his hands, only to reveal some bad news. "I've got some bad news. It's closing time."

"What!? Already?" Kaveh exclaimed,

"I thought we had a bit more time." Alhaitham double checked, it was rare for him to lose track of time.

"Usually we'd have another twenty minutes but they're closing early today." Tighnari explained, "But even then it's only twenty minutes."

"We really did lose track of time, how nice." Cyno sighed, packing up the cards to his disappointment, "It is sad that we'll have to end our game early, Kaveh. Hopefully our next game will be as exciting."

"Yeah...." Kaveh's voice trailed off. It wasn't that he wasn't having a good time. He was having the best of time. It was so much fun, and he knew he'd treasure these memories for years to come, but... it wasn't enough. It was the fact he was having such a great time, that it was the problem; Kaveh didn't want it to end just yet. They had barely hung out for a few hours today and who knows when the next time all their schedules will align again. It could take weeks for that to happen. So every minute together mattered and yes it was only twenty minutes but those could've been the best twenty minutes of his life and it was cut short. This was in no way the cafe staff's fault; Kaveh just hated how cruel fate could be at times. Of all days couldn't lady luck be on his side today. He knows she surely wasn't on the day he really needed her.

"See you guys next time." Kaveh and Alhaitham waved off, walking home with a sour feeling of longing in their hearts. They all really missed hanging out together.

~~~~~~~~

That longing feeling lasted for a few days and was still stuck firmly in Kaveh's heart when he was hanging out with Nilou. He had just watched her latest performance the other day, and the pair decided to catch up whilst window shopping. It was a fun thing to do and Kaveh knew he'd surely be enjoying it more, if it wasn't for that sour feeling in his heart. He couldn't help thinking that this was fun but it'll be over soon. Eventually this will come to an end and his friends will go somewhere he can't follow because of his fears locking him in place. His city and home are now restricted to a place of safe and unsafe zones, but for his friends they are free to go wherever they like, whilst he is restricted to a box of his own making. He wanted out.

"This scarf looks really cute." Nilou mentioned, motioning to the garment in the stall,

"Yeah, it does. It really compliments your complexion Nilou."

"Aww. Kaveh your so sweet. Maybe I'll get it then." Nilou blushed, hiding her face behind the scarf.

"My treat." Kaveh offered, handing the money to the stall attendant before Nilou could refuse.

"Kaveh!" Nilou gasped, "Not that I'm not grateful but I could've perfectly afforded that myself."

"I know but as I said my treat. It really does suit you." Kaveh stated, "And I'm having a good time with you so wanted to say thanks in a way, not that I have to, but felt you deserved that scarf."

Nilou went quiet at that... she was happy for the gift but what she was more concerned about was the sorrow in Kaveh's voice, "If that's really the case, then why do you seem so down?"

"I'm sad about it coming to an end. I know you're a busy person, just like everyone else, and I don't know when I'll get to hangout with you again, so I'm sad this will be over soon and we'll have to part ways for who knows how long." Kaveh divulged, staring off into the distance.

"Well that's understandable and I really miss you too when we can't hangout... Tell you what, me and the others from Zubayr Theater will be at Lambad's tavern tonight, celebrating our final show for this performance, the one you saw last night. I'd like to formally invite you to join us, bring Alhaitham if you want and invite anyone else too. It would be lovely to celebrate with all of you." Nilou detailed with a vibrant smile on her face. The plan was to always invite Kaveh but she kept getting distracted. If anything she was thankful for this opportunity else she forget again.

"..."

Nilou waited patiently for a response. She didn't know if Kaveh had any plans already and she did invite him a bit last minute, but she really did hope he could make it, even for just five minutes. As the seconds ticked on and quickly turned into minutes, Nilou got nervous that she had put Kaveh in an awkward position: had someone already invited him out and now he was struggling to choose between Nilou and that other person? Kaveh was a busy person, was he planning to relax this evening or even work, now he had to decide if Nilou's celebration was more important! She didn't know the details but by the way her friend's face scrunched in deep thought, she didn't care- she knew the guilt would eat her alive if Kaveh made a bad choice for her.

"On second thought, If your already busy-"

"Sure."

"What!" Nilou was startled for a second, and was a bit scared she yelled that a little too loud but did Kaveh just say yes? "Could you repeat that."

"I said sure, I'd love to come." Kaveh repeated, "You sure it's perfectly ok for me to come and invite others?"

"Of course. Everyone at the theatre loves you Kaveh and a friend of yours will definitely be a welcome friend there. It will definitely make it a lively and fun event so please do." Nilou encouraged, forgetting all her earlier worries.

"That's great." Kaveh smiled, and just like everyone else, Nilou felt warmed up by it, "I know I was complaining about our hangout ending earlier, but I feel like I'll have to leave you here now, so I can get ready for later."

They both laughed at the irony of that before going their separate ways. Kaveh walked at a normal pace, keeping his vibrant smile, but the second he was out of Nilou's eyesight, he bolted it. With Merhak not floating far behind, Kaveh ran. He ran as fast as he could, knowing he needed to get to his destination before he changed his mind. He didn't want to give himself a single second to think about what he just agreed to or else fear the consequences. It was a simple yes, no reason to think further on that, at least not until he arrives. He ran up the path, through the doors and up the stairs and just kept going till he saw the location in sight. Kaveh pushed himself forward, not sparing a thought to the weird looks from passersby, and rushed through the office doors, leaning his back on them as he tried to catch his breath.

"Kaveh?" Alhaitham looked up from his desk, completely shocked. If he wasn't so used to strange things from his boyfriend, then he'd be utterly lost for words right now, but fortunately enough time around Kaveh and his spontaneous antics left him quite prepared. However, Kaveh running into his office in the Akademiya wasn't on his to-do list for today.

"I leaped." Kaveh gasped between breaths,

"Kaveh? What do you mean you leaped?" Alhaitham urged, slight bit of worry edging its way into his voice.

"Was hanging out with Nilou and sheinvitedmetoLambad'sandisaidyes." Kaveh spat out,

"Ok, ok, Kaveh breathe." Alhaitham instructed, walking over to his boyfriend, "Good, now let's try that again."

Kaveh took another deep breath in and finally calmed down from his run. He looked up into Alhaitham's welcoming eyes and revealed all, "Nilou and others at Zubayr theatre are going to be celebrating tonight at Lambad's and she invited me... and I said yes."

"Oh."

"Yeah... but like I want to go. I really want to go Alhaitham, with you, Cyno, Tighnari, hey even Collei if she wants to come. I just want to hangout with my friends like before and have a proper good time." Kaveh explained, a pure look of want in his eyes.

Alhaitham could see it, but still felt that he had to ask, "Are you sure you're ready?"

"No idea." Kaveh honestly replied, "But I really want to do this."

It was like Kaveh was begging and he should never have to do that.

"Ok."

"What?" It appeared it was Kaveh's turn to be taken aback for a second.

"It's your life Kaveh. If you want to go, we'll go." Alhaitham promised, "I'll send a messenger to cyno and Tighnari to invite them along, and I'm just about finished here, so we can go home and get ready. I'll be with you every step of the way, so if you want to do this, then we will."

It was as if Kaveh had been told Christmas had come early, because a massive smile bloomed on his face and excitement grew in his heart. A great excitement that quickly replaced the previous longing that was stuck there, and soon Kaveh found himself looking forward to a great time to be had later at Lambad's, just like before.

~~~~~~

As promised, Kaveh and Alhaitham were now standing in Lambad's mingling with the others. Kaveh was surprised at how easy it was to enter the tavern. It truly was like any other building today and that was one of the best news to his discovery. What was not the best news was the funny fact that we were the last to arrive. Despite leaving early to get ready, all their friends still managed to beat them here, leaving the pair entering like the guests of honour. Yet, at how everyone smiled so brightly at his appearance, Kaveh doesn't think he minds that much anymore. It definitely was unexpected and a bit embarrassing, he promises he's normally quite organised when it comes to time, but as time passed, it had become something nice to joke about as he talked with the other's.

"I swear it's his fault we were last here," Kaveh gestured to Alhaitham besides him, "His head was too deep in a book to get dressed until the last moment."

"The writing was interesting and I knew I had plenty of time." Alhaitham casually argued,

"Yeah yeah, you say that and yet here we are: late."

"You never said we had to be the first here. We arrived only a few minutes after the others, so actually we were pretty much on time." Alhaitham countered, a teasing smirk sitting on his face.

"Oi, you always have to get the last word." Kaveh shrieked, hitting his boyfriend on the arm in retaliation. Sadly this only caused Alhaitham's smirk to grow bigger.

"I'm only replying in accordance with the rules of conversation, the ones you tell me to always follow so diligently." Alhaitham teased,

Kaveh gasped, momentarily lost for words, before turning his head to the side, shunning Alhaitham, "If you're going to be like that, then I'll leave you here and I'll go talk to the others who are actually nice to me."

Swiftly, Kaveh departed, giving Alhaitham no time to reply, neither to tease him further or plead his case; he wasn't going to hear him out as punishment. Alhaitham could annoy Cyno or Tighnari for all he cares. He was going to have a much better time chatting away amongst the great company of the people from the Zubayr theatre, and they were nice. No teasing remarks or attempts to catch him in his words. It was only right he thanked the kindness by gracing them with his presence. Ok he wasn't that narcissistic, Kaveh actually really just wanted to talk to them and thank them for inviting him.

"Nilou, this is such a lively and fun celebration. I'm really thankful you invited me." Kaveh declared, appearing beside Nilou.

"Kaveh!" Nilou cheered, "It's really great you're here. I'm so happy you're having a good time."

"How could I not when I get to see all my friends, as well congratulate everyone on a job well done. WELL DONE EVERYONE ON ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL SHOW, IT WAS A MASTERPIECE!" Kaveh loudly celebrated, bringing a smile to the whole party.

An applause followed Kaveh's declaration, and people took that as their cue to begin the toasts. First began the theatre's director, then the choreographer, then Nilou and the others spoke up and so on. Kaveh sat back, listening intently to everyone's speeches, cheering after each one. It filled him with pride seeing a place of the arts pushing to thrive, despite being in a country that values academics above all. It was great to see them doing well, celebrating the successes, because in a world like this, where things could get as dark as Kaveh knew, people needed the joy of the arts to bring some light to the darkness. Kaveh knows if he didn't have it, this past year would've been a whole lot harder. Thankfully he did.

"Kaveh, thank you for coming." The director of Zubayr theatre grabbed his attention, "I was hoping I could speak to you at some point and ask a favour."

"Well there's no better time than the present, so ask away." Kaveh encouraged, shining a bright smile... but unease was seeping into his heart for some reason.

"Our most recent show has been such a great success that we made great profits, more than expected, so we thought we use that money towards something we need and it was about time we refurbished the stage, so well, who better than light of Kshahrewar to give it that magic touch." The director explained, and Kaveh instantly lit up. It was his dream commission being offered on a silver platter... yet that tension in his heart seemed to grow.

"I'd love to take on this commission. Send me a formal letter tomorrow and I can get set working on it when best suits you." Kaveh beamed, filled with joy... but his breathing was getting quicker.

"Certainly. I'm so happy with this great news. There's no one better I'd want to commission; no mora will be spared for your great work." The director promised, "I must discuss something with my assistant but I will ensure that letter gets sent first thing in the morning."

Kaveh waved off the director as the man moved through the crowd. He had just received great news, and Kaveh tried his best to focus on that but his mind was struggling. He couldn't think straight. He tried taking deep breaths and continuing conversation with those around him, but it was getting harder and harder to pretend to seem fine. The cosy atmosphere of the tavern and his friends was fading away, and no matter what Kaveh did it kept slipping through his fingers. He smiled. He nodded. He cracked a joke or two. Kaveh acted as if everything was fine, but nothing really was. Every hair on his body was standing on edge, screaming that he was in a place of danger. Harm had happened here and it could happen again. No matter how many times he internally screamed, this was just a tavern, CALM DOWN! His body just got more stressed. His heart rate sped up and his vision blurred. He was doing his best to pay attention to the conversation, but it felt like the world was trying to eat him whole and he wouldn't survive. Kaveh just wanted to breathe. The light in the tavern was fading. The darkness was close to consuming him. The nightmares were coming. The-

Suddenly, it was like a breath of fresh air had seeped through the building and Kaveh could breathe again. His muscles relaxed and slowly Kaveh felt the tension leaving his body. He took steady breaths, and relaxed, knowing his heart rate was going back to normal. Everything was ok again. There was a comforting presence by his side and warmth in his hand. His boyfriend had arrived and was giving his hand a comforting squeeze in reassurance.

"Everything ok?" Alhaitham whispered,

"Yeah, much better now." Kaveh breathed freely, "Thank you."

"You sure. We can go home if you want?" Alhaitham offered,

"Nah I'm good. Just a small setback but I want to stay." Kaveh promised, strength finding its way into his voice at the end.

"Let's go join the others then."

Discreetly, Alhaitham maneuvered them away from the crowd and towards the bar counter, where Cyno and Tighnari were chatting with Lambad.

"Mind if we join you." Kaveh asked, announcing his presence, only to quickly be pulled into a hug by Tighnari and Cyno. They knew how much of a big deal it was for Kaveh to be here, but they were polite enough to not say it out loud, though that didn't stop them from hugging the living daylights out of him.

"You're always welcome to join us." Tignari said, releasing Kaveh from the hug.

"Join us anytime you like, but make sure your easy to disconnect and separate, or else we'll be stuck together forever." Cyno joked, "Cause we join thing together, but we also say join when we meet up with people."

Tighnari physically facepalmed, "If I wasn't having such a good time right now, I'd strangle you."

"Hey, it's not really hanging out with Cyno if he doesn't drop a bad joke or two." Kaveh said, feeling really happy to be round his friends again.

"See, I know someone would appreciate my good sense of humor."

Tighnari and Kaveh shared a look, "Maybe let's not go that far, but I am happy to be here with you guys."

"Happy enough to lose to me in TCG." Cyno challenged,

"Oh it's on!" Kaveh shot back with equal fireyness in his eyes.

"I'll go grab a table then." Cyno said.

Whilst Cyno did that, Kaveh looked through Merhark and was happy to see his TCG deck was still inside from when they last played. Guess there was benefit to that sour longing feeling, he had never packed it away, but no point still thinking about that, it was time to play TCG. However before Kaveh got a chance to join Cyno, Lambad waved him down from the other side of the bar. Kaveh could never leave the man hanging, it was common decency to see what the man wanted.

"Lambad, what can I do for you this fine evening." Kaveh bounced over, with all his usual suave.

"Actually it's more of what I can do for you." Lambad revealed to Kaveh's surprise, "What are your thoughts on taking up my offer on that free drink?"

That had Kaveh's attention, "Tough decision, I'd love to but I'm about to play cards with the others. Can I grab it later?"

"I'll do you one better. You go have fun and I'll send someone to bring it over." Lambad offered and how could Kaveh refuse.

The architect nodded in agreement before running off to the table Cyno had grabbed, and quickly pulled out his deck. Cyno had laid out his cards ready and was eagerly waiting Kaveh's arrival. What intrigued Kaveh more, was when he arrived he saw Tighnari and Alhaitham were also playing a game. This would certainly become a lively table. However he wouldn't let his boyfriend's card battle distract him from his. Cyno may think he's got this but Kaveh would make sure to quickly correct that thought. Quick work is what he made because it wasn't long before they were back in that tense battle they had the other day. Both were down two cards, with just one remaining, and they kept getting good dice rolls. It was supposedly anyone's game... supposedly because Kaveh had been playing the long game, doing very little in his past few rounds except attacking, but with this next dice roll everything fell into place. He got a great selection of dice, all elements he wanted, and now it was time to win. He played the final cards in his hand, spending the required dice, then launched his ultimate attack on Cyno's last card, completely wiping it out.

"Wow! You utterly defeated me." Cyno was amazed.

"That was quite the entertaining game." Tighnari stated, "It was hard not to watch, once we finished our own game, of course."

"It was certainly enjoyable." Kaveh responded, high fiving in Alhaitham in celebration.

"Guess this is perfect timing." Alhaitham said, pointing to the employee who had just arrived at their table with Kaveh's drink.

Being the kind boyfriend, he sometimes, was, Alhaitham took the drink off the employee and placed it in front of Kaveh. In times of celebration a good drink was surely deserved and this drink was certainly worthy for celebration. It was one of Kaveh's favourites: a delicious wine cocktail made up of the best wine for the base then mixed with local fruits to give it that great exotic taste. It was certainly a delicious drink that ventured a bit more on the expensive side, who would have guessed that Lambad would make him this drink. The man really was treating him today, almost spoiling him. It was so good that Kaveh really wanted to take a sip in celebration, but a terrifying thought stopped him.

He never saw Lambad make the drink, or the drink be handed to that employee. Anything could've happened in-between in that time. Kaveh hadn't thought about that when Lambad first offered to bring the drink over, and now Kaveh wished he had. He wouldn't have minded waiting at the bar for a few more minutes to get his drink, or he could've paused the game and got up and grabbed the drink when it was finished. Kaveh wished any of those options were initially given to him, because he really wanted to drink this amazing drink. His mouth was watering just thinking over the taste, but fear had latched on and it wouldn't let him take the glass; it wouldn't let him take just one sip because all a drug needed was one sip and then it was too late. Just one sip and he'd be weak on the floor all over again. Just one sip and it was all over. Just one sip-

Just one sip and everything was better?

Noticing Kaveh's hesitation, Alhaitham quickly got an idea of the other's thoughts and moved to remedy things. He could see how badly Kaveh wanted the drink and Kaveh sure as hell deserved it, so he was going to make sure he got it. Without waiting for anyone's permission, Alhaitham grabbed the drink and took a quick sip- it really was a nice drink. He put it back down in front of Kaveh, and then made a big scene of showing how great it tasted and more importantly how safe it was. As a few minutes passed and nothing happened to Alhaitham, Kaveh felt himself relax and at last be able to take a sip. He was so grateful for Alhaitham, because Oh archon it was delicious! Truly amazing. Just the best. Kaveh had missed drinking at Lambad's and he definitely missed all these great drinks he couldn't have at home. This was certainly a great reward.

"How is it?" Tighanri asked,

"The best drink I've had in a long while." Kaveh declared and they all cheered at that.

For the rest of the night, they had a lot of fun. They played more cards, chatted about anything and nothing. They had a real good time, like it was normal. Like it was before. Kaveh got plenty more drinks too. He'd missed the drinks here a lot and he wasn't wasting this opportunity to catch up on all the ones he missed. This time though, he made sure to watch the drink be made every step of the way, and the times when he couldn't: too busy with something else, or someone was kind enough to buy him a drink, Alhaitham would always take a sip of it first before handing it over to Kaveh. His boyfriend never commented on it, simply did it without asking and made it a new part of their routine. Kaveh may never be the same with drinks again but they found a new way to make things work, and hey if this method got Alhaitham at least a little bit tipsy, then Kaveh wasn't complaining. His boyfriend should be at least a bit close to how drunk he was. It made it all the more fun.

Now they were home, having walked hand in hand there, Kaveh knew he wouldn't have it any other way. They were getting ready in the bathroom together, brushing their teeth, and definitely both a bit drunk, when Kaveh had a bright idea. He was tired; his body ached for comfort and he had had a long day. He surely deserved the most comfortable sleeping arrangements, and where else is more comfortable than their shared bed. They were already dressed in their jammies, Kaveh had ventured into the bedroom to grab them, so he knew he could brace the room, plus they were all ready so the only thing left was to get Alhaitham onboard.

"You sure you want to do this?" Alhaitham double checked, scared Kaveh was too drunk to think straight.

"Yes more than anything. I tried and failed in the past, but I want to beat it this time." Kaveh said with conviction and Alhaitham believed him. He took Kaveh's hand and together they faced the bedroom.

One step at a time, they embarked into the room. It was a little harder than when Kaveh grabbed his sleeping clothes, perhaps because he was entering to stay this time, but he didn't want that to stop him. He'd been kept out of this room for far too long and tonight he fixed that. Each step got easier, and having Alhaitham by his side, holding his hand tightly, made this whole ordeal a breeze. Things were going so well, it was only when they finally reached the bed did fear take hold of him. This was when things went from bad to worse last time and that was only when he opened his eyes. Maybe if he didn't open his eyes everything would be fine?

"Last chance to back out." Alhaitham offered, but seeing Kaveh's firm glance at the bed, he knew the answer.

To make things easier, Alhaitham got in first. He moved over to his side of the bed then lifted up the duvet and opened his arms up, welcoming Kaveh in. Kaveh gladly took up that invitation and quickly snuggled into his boyfriend's embrace. The warm duvet, the soft bed and the comforting hold, all of it combined to create the perfect recipe for sleep and before either of them realised it, Kaveh was fast asleep, with not a sign of bad dreams to be seen.

Kaveh was utterly beautiful and perfect. Awake or asleep the answer was the same and Alhaitham was happy he got to share in this beauty every day. He was insanely lucky to see this hidden sight at night. Blessed even to fall asleep with the last image in his mind being the cute face of his boyfriend sleeping. It was wonderful and wasn't long till both of them were fast asleep, happy and in love in each other's arms.

~~~~~~~~~

Kaveh woke up to the bright morning sun shining on his face and for the first time in a while, he didn't feel the uncomfortable aches from sleeping in the divan. To his amazement he looked down and realised he was in his bed. Last night he fell asleep in his bed! It was great. He was half awake, half asleep, and he had the best sleep ever. The most wonderful dreams too. It was all so lovely. The only thing that made it better was seeing the cute sight of Alhaitham fast asleep beside him. Thinking about how warm and comforting it was in their bed and how he felt completely at ease here, Kaveh decided to snuggle up closer to Alhaitham and fall back to sleep for a bit longer. He had beaten the bed and finally came up on top. This was exactly where he wanted to be and knew he could be for the days to come. Their bed and no one else could take that away from them again.

Kaveh had come so far and at last he felt like he had his life back. It wasn't the same as before, there were things he could never change, traumas he could never fix but it was ok. It was different but it felt normal all the same. It felt like his life again, and he felt back in control. That surely awarded him a few more hours of sleep at the bare minimum, if not more. All in all, he was very happy.