Work Text:
October 11th, 1986
“You’re the most beautiful woman i have ever seen.”
Corny first words, but it flattered Eunseo; A troubled girl, lonesome, an outcast, disowned by her own family without a friend in the world to run to.
Eunseo had her issues. She was violent and explosive, even going as far as to stabbing a girl with a mechanical pencil several times when she was a teenager in school where she was later removed permanently. This was only one of many incidents. Even as a child, she found herself feeling like the odd one out, often getting into physical quarrels with her peers.
Her mother never gave her any mind, so Eunseo couldn’t grasp why she cared so much when she did cause trouble. Her father had never been in the picture, having passed away just after her removal from education, and her mother was already getting on in age when she had Eunseo.
During her few years at school, though, she often brought home boys. Never lovers, just something to make her feel wanted, or alive. However, her mother couldn’t take her bullshit anymore, yelling for her to ‘get the fuck out,’ hollering that she is nothing but a dirty tramp.
The man at the store was fairly handsome. Tall, dark brown hair and perfect sharp eyes. Eunseo visited often. Never to buy anything, just wandering aimlessly. But she later found herself only ever coming for the man behind the counter.
“Oh,” Eunseo smiles sheepishly. She wants to thank him. That’s the appropriate response to being called beautiful, right? Eunseo doesn’t feel beautiful, though.
“Is this all?” He asks when he scans only one item. A pack of cigarettes. Eunseo hums a nod that was a little delayed. “You really shouldn’t smoke, you know.”
“Why not?”
The man laughs half-heartedly.
“Look at that,” he points to the image displayed on the tiny box. “I don’t know about you, but I like my neck without a hole in it..”
Eunseo eyes the image with a face flatter than an iron. Inwardly, she really couldn’t care less what happened to her body. But this man…
“How old are you, anyway?”
Eunseo blinks a couple times, not really expecting that question. If she told him her real age, he wouldn’t give her the cigarettes.
“20.”
“Ahh, I’m older than you by 4 years! So listen to your elders when I say that lung killing crap is bad for you, yeah?” And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, Eunseo laughs.
“I’ll think about it.”
January 8th, 1987
“Did you enjoy Christmas?” The man behind the counter asks, scanning only one item again. Eunseo scoffs without meaning to.
“I’ll take that as a no, then.” He smiles.
“I don’t have a family.” Eunseo says bluntly, tapping the counter and pursing her lips.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the man frowns. Eunseo grimaces. She doesn’t want pity.
“I’m fine.”
“I didn’t assume you weren’t. I see your neck is holding up!”
Eunseo is confused for a split second til she remembers their little back and forth that one time. She’s surprised he even remembers that. Eunseo hasn’t stopped thinking about it.
“I never got your name, by the way.” He’s smiling. Smiling at her. It’s a fond smile, one with interest, a bit of teeth. Eunseo’s heart feels funny.
“Eunseo.”
“Eunseo. Can’t say I’m surprised. Only a woman as beautiful as you would have an equally beautiful name to fit.”
Eunseo wants to roll her eyes and blush like those stupid teenage girls would do in school when a boy complimented them. Nobody at school ever looked at Eunseo the way this man does.
“And you?”
He flashes his work tag, shiny and gold. How had she missed that?
“Seojun. Oh Seojun.”
He’s reaching his hand out to her. Does she take it? God, it’s been so long since she’s actually touched another human being.
He’s patient enough, his hand still mid air for another 5 seconds before she finally decides to take it, and he shakes it once before letting go. Eunseo finds herself missing the warmth.
February 3rd, 1987
“You’re not 20, are you?” Seojun cheeses. Eunseo is smiling too, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“No.”
“I thought you looked too young. How old are you really?”
Chewing her inner cheek, she wonders if she can mirror his flippancy.
“Guess.”
Seojun leans forward on his elbows like getting a closer look will reveal the answer.
“Hmm…18?”
Eunseo shakes her head.
“No? Younger?”
She nods.
“Don’t tell me you’re younger than 16.”
Eunseo shakes her head again, her smile growing wider.
“Uh-uh. Guess again.”
“Okay, thank god. Hmm… not younger than 16, but younger than 20. 17?”
Eunseo nods, tucking a stray strand of black hair behind her ear.
“Well, don’t tell that to my boss. If he finds out I sold you cigarettes he’ll have me.”
April 3rd, 1987
“Hey, you! I haven’t seen you in a while.” Seojun smiles but instantly frowns upon seeing the woman’s state. “Hey… are you alright?”
Eunseo doesn’t know what to say - hell, she doesn’t even know why she came here. She doesn’t have money to buy anything today.
“…Eunseo?”
Eunseo makes a move to turn and walk away but Seojun is quick to grab her wrist, and when he does, his eyes widen in shock from how thin she is.
“Wait here. Please.”
Seojun scurries off somewhere and later returns without his work fleece. He’s walking back over to her, a look of determination on his face.
“I’m sorry if this is sudden, but… could you come back to my place?”
March 7th, 1988
“I love you.”
“Ah?” Eunseo wants to laugh when Seojun gets down on one knee.
“I love you,” he grabs her hands. “You’re the most interesting, most beautiful woman. I don’t think I’ve ever met somebody like you, and I never will again. Hell, I’d marry you on the spot if I had the money..”
Eunseo stares at him. They had started dating not too long after Seojun invited her into his home - he lived with his parents, though. And they did not like her one bit. She heard them scolding Seojun in another room when she was sitting on their couch.
“I don’t want you hanging around that girl anymore, you understand me? Something ain’t right.”
“She’s very strange, Seojun. Do not bring her here anymore.”
That night, he walked her back to her shabby apartment, but not before stopping in an empty road to cup her cheek and kiss her on the lips.
“Your family don’t like me-“
“I don’t care what they think! I wanna be with you, really and truly. We can… I don’t know, buy a house somewhere near Seoul! We’ll get married, and we can be together. I’ll get a better job, something that pays well. I’ll take care of you,”
“Seojun-“
“I swear to you, we’ll get out of here, away from this god forsaken town and our families and start a new one. Me n’ you.”
Oh, it all sounds too good to be true. It screams freedom, and that’s all Eunseo has ever wanted. For years she has felt trapped, haunted with her problems, her past, her current loneliness. Admittedly, she is growing tiresome of living this way, having to meet Seojun in absolute secrecy somewhere in public, no time to be together in private or warm. Her place is too much of a clutter. It’s small. She doesn’t even use the heating.
“Would you?”
Eunseo doesn’t need to be asked twice.
“Yeah.”
November 12th, 1990
“It’s a little too big, don’t you think?” Eunseo looks around the house curiously. Seojun follows suit, dropping a couple bags off by the door.
“Yeah? It was for a good price, though. I heard there aren’t many people living in this area anymore.”
Eunseo melts when Seojun comes up behind her to snake his arms around her waist.
“Mm.”
“Plus, Seoul isn’t too far from here.” He smiles. “Just like I told you.”
April 28th, 1991
Eunseo, for the last couple days, hasn’t been feeling well. Her husband, Seojun, despite being at work for long hours, always makes sure to call her to make sure she’s holding up alright.
Could she have eaten something bad? No, if that were the case it surely would have passed by now.
Eunseo hopes to god it isn’t what she’s dreading it to be.
She doesn’t want to, but she reluctantly staggers from the futon, throwing on a skin-tight black turtleneck and jeans, grabbing her jacket from the hooks by the door before heading out into the shockingly chilly streets. For April, this weather is most unusual.
A purchase is made, her hands clammy when she takes the white tube-shaped box in hand, stuffing it in her pocket and heading back home. She shrugs off her jacket and discards it on the floor by the door uncaringly and she makes her way to the bathroom.
It’s an agonising wait. Her heart is racing, stomach twisting in knots. She paces back and forth like a trapped animal, glancing occasionally at the stick lying by the sink.
Surely she isn’t. She can’t be! It isn’t rare she and Seojun have sex. Fuck, she loves it, nor have they ever worn protection. Eunseo is on contraceptives.
But a bern is the last thing Eunseo wants. No. A baby means she’s chained. Trapped, forever. Eunseo, never in her entire life has she felt a single ounce of maternalism in any of her bones. It’s just not her, she already struggles enough with her emotions, feelings and outbursts - no, she cannot handle a fucking baby. That means all her efforts for this free life is done for. Over, over, over…
2 lines.
Eunseo wants to scream.
She stares at it with a slung jaw. It’s not possible - no no, it can’t be - she can’t, she really can’t.
She’s silent for minutes, maybe an hour, until everything finally sets in. She wails, clawing over the fabric of her current flat stomach.
“FUCK! FUCK, FUCK!” Outraged, Eunseo grabs the pregnancy stick and snaps it in half, throwing it at the mirror so hard it leaves a mark. She feels dizzy, defeated, lost with the knowledge that there is human being growing inside of her at this very moment.
17:06
“I’m home!” Seojun sing-songs, kicking off his shoes when he notices his wife’s jacket lying by the door. “Eunseo?”
Looking around and poking his head in every room, he spots her, smiling in relief when he sees that she isn’t hurt.
“There you are, why are you dressed? Are you feeling okay?” Seojun bends down by the futon where Eunseo is sitting with her knees up to her chest, absently picking the skin around her finger nails with a blank expression. Seojun frowns.
“…Honey?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Silence. Eunseo doesn’t even make eye contact with her husband when she says it, but when she does, he is smiling.
“You - you are?”
Why the fuck is he smiling?
“Oh, this is - this is amazing!” Now he’s standing, and Eunseo feels her face growing sour, bitterness bubbling in her throat. “A baby.. ours. This is perfect, it’s-“
“No.”
Seojun’s smile falters slightly, finally turning around to face his wife.
“No? What are you saying?” He’s smiling again, kneeling in front of her to take her hands in his. “It’s wonderful!”
“No,”
“Eunse-“
“NO! I DON’T WANT IT! I DON’T WANT A FUCKING BABY!” She shrieks, her eyes burning liquid fire directly into Seojun’s. “It was a mistake, an accident, do you know what happens when accidents happen? I happen, Seojun! I want rid of it, I don’t care! I’ll smoke again, I’ll drink it to death, I’ll-“
Slap
Eunseo’s cheek burns. It was so forceful her vision went black for a moment. She cups her cheek, her breathing ragged.
“Look, I’m - I’m sorry, I -“ Seojun goes to reach out for her, but his hands fall into his lap instead, “Look… We can finally be a family together. We have this huge house, all these rooms, we’re already married, I have a well paying job and you stay at home anyway…”
Eunseo can barely hear a word he is saying from the ringing in her ears.
“I’ve always wanted a family, Eunseo. We’re at the perfect point in our lives, aren’t we?” Eunseo is seething behind her hand.
No. No we aren’t.
“I know it’s sudden, but I promise it’ll turn out alright. We can give this baby a normal family life. One you never had.”
Why should she have to give something a better life simply because she hadn’t?
“Eunseo..”
“Fine. Babe.”
For the next few days Eunseo has been sneaking out while her husband is at work to purchase extra boxes of contraceptives, hoping those might work on killing the thing inside her. Probably not, but it’s worth the efforts. She downs a bunch, even smoking one cigarette a week to keep the smell as discreet as possible. Sometimes, she’ll take swigs of alcohol. Only short ones. If she wound up drunk by accident, Seojun would know what she’s been doing.
December 30th, 1991
It’s been months now and Eunseo’s stomach is huge. Disappointment and emptiness is all she’s feeling, all attempts to rid of the wretched thing failed. The baby is due in a month.
“What do you think it’s gonna be, babe?” Seojun asks. He rummages through the carrier bag on the table, displaying four baskets of freshly picked strawberries. Eunseo’s pregnancy cravings.
She doesn’t care what it is. It should be nothing.
It’s a boy. When they went for Eunseo’s scan, Seojun did most of the talking.
Eunseo wasn’t the least bit interested in what the nurses had to say, sick of hearing, ‘are you excited?’ and ‘he looks very healthy’.
It shouldn’t. The entire world and beyond has to be against Eunseo for this to happen.
“Have you decided on names yet?” The woman asks with a kind smile. Eunseo is off in her own world, staring at nothing in particular. Seojun smiles nervously and rests his hand atop of Eunseo’s.
“Ah, well, not yet, but now we know the gender we will certainly think of something unique.”
January 27th, 1992
At 12:02 AM on a cold winters night, Eunseo went into labour. Seojun was quick to hurry his wife into the car, draped in two long coats and a scarf. It’s freezing out, maybe minus 20.
Eunseo didn’t fully give birth until hours later. Seojun was a nervous wreck, watching his wife heave and gather oxygen through a tube. There must have been seven doctors on the scene at best, maybe more.
Tiny little wails fill the room soon enough, and Seojun is so relieved. The newborn infant is fussed over by doctors at the speed of light before being wrapped up in a white towel. They hand him to Eunseo, who doesn’t even look at him. Skin to skin contact is something just about every mother does - but Eunseo is so out of it. She’s too calm.
While a couple doctors tend to Eunseo’s current state, the one holding the baby offers for Seojun to hold him instead, to which he agrees with much enthusiasm.
“Normally, we only allow the mothers to have at least an hour of skin contact with the baby,” she explains. “But your wife-“
“I understand,” he sighs and quickly makes work of removing his shirt and gently taking a hold of his baby boy.
Seojun smiles when he sees his face, hooking his finger into the towel to get a better view. He’s so perfect. Their little Sangwoo.
A few of the doctors take their leave, another two gathering supplies and such elsewhere. Seojun looks up from his baby to Eunseo, who is still staring off into space. He frowns, walking to her.
“Babe… Eunseo,”
“What.”
Seojun swallows thickly.
“Look at him.”
Eunseo averts her gaze even more, if even possible.
“Eunseo. Won’t you at least look at me? Are you even going to hold him?”
Eunseo’s eye and mouth twitches.
“Eunseo. Please look at him at least. He’s beautiful. Please..” Seojun creeps closer, half leaning on the hospital bed to at least get Sangwoo in her frame of vision, and Eunseo snaps.
“Get it away from me.”
The day drags, as it typically does when neither of them are doing anything.
Bum hasn’t spoke a word about it. He doesn’t know. He was too intoxicated to remember, Sangwoo knows that.
It’s not a day worth of any celebration. There is nothing to celebrate. It’s just another Tuesday, another date on a calendar. Another subtraction to Sangwoo’s lifespan.
He huffs a sigh of no sadness nor stress, merely lost in thought at the kitchen table, gazing at nothing.
Sangwoo hadn’t thought too much about it throughout his life. As a child, he’d receive a small birthday cake. Bought by his father, his mother playing along. Her smile never quite reached her eyes as she clapped, kissed him on the cheek and wished him a ‘happy birthday’.
It all stopped as he got older. Barely even a teen, and birthdays became something he dreaded.
His father was no longer that of a father, and birthdays became a secret in his bedroom, accompanied by only his mother, out of the way of the beast downstairs. Sangwoo didn’t like it, but he played along anyway. For her.
He wonders of Bum already knows, given he already knew so much about him already. Yet again, he never would’ve asked if he had already known.
Sangwoo has never revealed the date to anybody other than legal documents. None of his friends knew, despite constantly pressing on about it.
‘Come on, man,’ Donggyu slaps his back. ‘Tell us so we can do somethin’ for ya!’
‘Haha, guess!’
‘You always say that… March 12th? February 17th? Come on, dude! Please!’
If it fell on a weekend, Sangwoo would tell himself that by going out to a nightclub, it’s technically celebrating. But no matter how much alcohol he consumed, which girl he kissed, that dreaded feeling of heavy woe lie heavy in his chest.
January 27th.
Sangwoo’s eyes flicker up to the digital clock below the cupboard.
15:00
Sangwoo hasn’t spoke a word all day, having snuck out of bed before sunrise to wander aimlessly around the house - cleaning what he can, from the smallest specs of dust to withering cobwebs.
Bum didn’t press about his silence.
In fact, Sangwoo hasn’t seen him since he woke up. Presumably still sleeping. Bum is so lazy, Sangwoo noticed. He could sleep for centuries.
Rendering bored of his own sorrow, Sangwoo heaves up from the wooden chair with a grunt, his joints aching as he tiresomely ventures back into the darkness of his room. No surprise at all when he discovers Bum, tangled in sheets, flat out on the futon like a cat after a slab of disgusting wet food.
Sangwoo seeps back into the warmth, snaking his arms around Bum’s waist, pulling the older man up against his chest.
Bum blinks a couple times, but closes his eyes again, coming to rest his hands atop of Sangwoo’s, and for the first time since any of his birthdays, Sangwoo genuinely smiles.