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It had been two weeks since Diana of Themyscira figured out that the children of her two closest friends were dating and her life had been utter hell ever since.
As she sat there, practically drowning in the shouted yells of Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, and basically all their loved ones, she found herself wondering which life choices, specifically, she should be regretting.
A good candidate started with that one conversation with Bruce and Tim.
“Thank you for the help, Wonder Woman,” Bruce said.
She smiled. “It’s always my honor, Batman, Robin.”
“Yeah that was great!” Tim chirped. “We should team up more often.”
The corners of Bruce’s mouth tilted up — which for Batman is like jumping up and down with glee. “But in the meantime, Robin, we should be getting back. Your classes start again tomorrow.”
“Yeah, um, sure thing!” Tim replied. Diana paused for a second, confused.
“Classes?”
“Sophmore year of college,” Bruce reminded.
Diana’s jaw dropped. She knew Tim wasn’t still that bright-eyed 11 year old she’d met all those years ago, but it was always still a shock to the system to be reminded that he was 19.
“They grow up so fast,” Diana laughed. “Well best of luck to you, little bird.”
“Not-so-little bird,” Bruce reminded. “He’s taller than Nightwing now.”
“So should I call you big bird?”
“Nooo, that’s already a thing,” Tim laughed. “Don’t sweat it — I’ll show you some sesame street sometime. But for now, yeah, I think I’ll head back to my house for the night—”
“Didn’t you say you were planning to stay at the manor during the school year?” Bruce asked, confused. “Something wrong?”
“No! What? No, no, of course not,” Tim rushed. “Just— y’know, I have homework I need to do and, um, I kind of miss my dog. Cat. Shoot, my cat. I don’t have a dog. I don’t know why I said dog. Okay I’ll just—”
“Robin,” Bruce cut in. “You can either explain why you’re lying or you can deal with staying at the manor tonight until you do.”
Tim slumped. “Fine.”
“Oh B, he’s allowed his secrets is he not?” Diana asked.
“The last time he had a secret, I found out later he was nursing a sprained ankle and torn ACL. He didn’t want to tell me because he rightfully assumed I would insist on benching him until he healed,” Bruce informed. “When the smartest sidekick I’ve ever had starts being terrible at lying, I stop letting him have his secrets.”
“Okay fine,” Tim relented. “I’ll just have to stay in that one room on the second floor three windows from the side.” His words were just a bit louder than usual.
“Yes, as always,” Bruce agreed, quizzically.
“Well, I suppose I’ll leave you both to it. Batman, let me know if there’s anything else you need or any other leads you find in this case. Robin, let me know if there’s ever anything I can help you with. Cases, homework, or otherwise.”
And with that Diana took off into the crisp evening air.
A few hours later and she turned right back around, returning to Gotham.
Her mind buzzed as puzzle pieces clicked about the case she’d just assisted with. She’d bring the information to Batman and he’d know exactly what to do with it.
Not wanting to make Alfred answer the door at two AM, she entered through a window in the kitchen. The alarms didn’t go off now that Bruce had installed programming to recognize members of the Justice League and disengage in their presence.
“Bruce?” she asked softly. No answer came. She traipsed further into the house. She repeated the call. Another no answer. She was about to open her communicator and send the message that way when she heard a light thumping crash of something falling. Probably something off of a desk.
“Bruce, I had a revelation about—”
She pushed the door open.
—and stopped short.
Tim was sitting on the edge of the desk, Conner Kent standing between his knees, the papers, stationary, and other items deposited all over the floor. Up until a few milliseconds ago, the two boys had been passionately making out.
Now, however, they flung apart from each other so fast she wondered if Conner had used his superspeed.
“I’m so sorry!” Diana immediately exclaimed, turning around.
“Diana!” Tim shrieked. She turned back around at the call of her name.
She saw the mortified looks on both boys' faces and promptly turned back around to leave again.
“Diana, wait,” Kon called. Diana froze, turning around again for the last and final time. “It’s not what it looks like.”
“Yeah!” Tim agreed abruptly, his voice cracking on the word.
“We were just—”
“Practicing—”
“Combat—”
“Human relations—”
“Research purposes—”
The words piled on top of each other and Diana patiently waited with her hands on her hips until they were done.
“You were practicing human relations combat for research purposes?” Diana repeated, to the best of her abilities.
“Yeah!” Tim and Kon said at the same time.
“With… your mouths. And tongues.”
“... yeah, very thoroughly training,” Kon coughed.
“And do you think that your explanation of human relations combat for research purposes with tongue would hold up to the Golden Perfect?” Diana asked, patting the lasso on her hip.
Tim and Kon fell uncharacteristically silent.
Diana sighed. “It’s fine. It’s none of my business. In fact— I’m happy for you. But something tells me that your fathers aren’t aware of this?”
“They aren’t, Diana,” Tim admitted, standing up and urgently walking towards her. Diana’s eyes were drawn to a bright red mark on the side of his neck — which Tim promptly slapped his hand over. “And, um, we want to keep it that way.”
Diana’s stomach churned. “This isn’t my business at all. It’s your secret to keep or reveal. I will not bring this to the attention of Bruce or Kal.”
Both boys breathed a premature sigh of relief.
“But,” she cut in. “I will not lie to them either. A core part of the safety between myself and your fathers is our openness with one another. If I am asked directly I shall do my best not to say something that isn’t mine to tell. But when truth is such a central part of my identity, it’s not something I can abandon at the drop of the hat.”
Kon tensed. “Diana… I— I guess that’s fair.”
“It’s justice,” Diana teased. “Something I happen to know a lot about.”
Tim nodded solemnly.
“... besides,” Diana began, “It’s not my fault the two of you decided to explore your passions in Wayne manor behind an unlocked door.”
Both boys furiously blushed.
“I suppose this was why you wanted not to stay here tonight?” Diana deduced from the night’s earlier conversation.
“...Yeah.”
“And when you said third window, second floor?”
“I was eavesdropping,” Conner admitted.
“And why is it you think your fathers will not accept you?” Diana asked. “I would not so closely associate with two men unless I could personally vouch for their acceptance of others.”
“It’s not like we think they’ll be homophobic about it,” Tim said. “It’s that we know they’ll be overbearing about it. God, I still remember when Dick and Babs tried to hide their relationship and it ended with, head of the GCPD, James Gordon giving them excruciatingly thorough sex ed and Bruce enforcing a schedule in which they were allowed to meet up two to three times a week for fifteen minute increments at most.”
“Yeah, because he wrongly assumed it would be too tight a window for them to put Gordon’s sex ed advice to good use,” Kon snorted.
“I’m curious as to why the two of you think this will end any differently?” Diana questioned.
“Because this time we aren’t dealing with the head of the GCPD and Batman. This time it’s just… y’know… Batman,” Kon trailed off. “And my dad with superhearing. But this will be fine.”
“Yeah, I’m way sneakier than Dick,” Tim insisted.
“And we’re quieter than they were,” Kon said, which, gross.
“Anyone is quieter than Dick and Barbara,” Tim groaned — double gross.
“I switched bedrooms because sharing a wall with Dick became so annoying I had to—”
“Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,” Diana rushed. “I know the two of you are 19 and 20 now, respectively, but that does not mean I want to be having this conversation when I’ve known both of you since you were far younger.”
Tim and Kon mercifully silenced.
“The point is, I think this little secret of yours is doomed to revelation. And while I won’t accelerate that process, I won’t work to slow it either. The mature thing to do is tell Bruce and Kal about this on your own terms and handle the consequences like adults. Dick and Barbara were seventeen in the beginning of their relationship and their fathers had good cause for concern. That isn’t the case here.”
“Okay…” Tim trailed off.
“Yeah, okay…”
A pause.
“So you’ll keep the secret, is what I’m hearing?” Kon encouraged.
“Kon-El…” Diana groaned warily.
“Yeah, because this is really important,” Tim cut in. “Y’know? I mean, this is my happiest relationship ever and when we’re talking about the child of my father’s closest friend, that’s certainly the kind of information I should have the liberty of personally bringing to his attention, right? You wouldn’t want to take that away from me, right?”
Tim was manipulating her. Blatantly. He was pulling on her heartstrings and appealing to her kind nature.
He was also really good at it.
“Fine,” Diana huffed. “But I can already feel regret on the horizon.”
She didn’t know the half of it.
“Okay, so I rolled a three which means I land on ‘Hall of Justice’ and I get your… Green Lantern ring,” Clark laughed. “Cough it up, Bruce.”
Bruce begrudgingly handed Clark the card with the illustration of Hal’s ring. “Well fine, I’m using my Kryptonite to skip your next turn.”
Clark went pale.
“The card, Clark,” Bruce snorted. “I’m not using Kryptonite to win a board game.”
“There’s a Kryptonite playing card in the officially licensed Justice League board game?” Clark asked, shocked. “That’s dark. And I guess the secret’s out about that now, huh?”
“Yes,” Diana said, as she rolled the dice. “It’s unfortunately common knowledge.”
The dice landed. Two sixes.
She beamed and moved her little metal Dinah Lance pawn twelve spaces on the board. “I landed on Metropolis! I gain two safety points.”
“I find it infuriating that if you land on Metropolis you get two safety points and if you land in Gotham you subtract three,” Bruce grumbled.
“Statistically speaking—” Diana began.
“I know the statistics,” Bruce interrupted. “It’s just annoying.”
“Sorry Bruce,” Clark apologized. “I’ll make Metropolis less safe so that it doesn’t give more safety points in hit board game Monopoly: Justice Is Served – Official Justice League Interactive Boardgame Now With More Heroes.”
“That would be greatly appreciated,” Bruce snorted.
Bruce rolled the dice and moved forward a few spaces. “Shit, I landed in jail. I’ll play my Robin to get me out.”
He placed a card with a Robin illustration on the pile of discarded cards.
“Huh,” Bruce chuckled. “I think that one is actually supposed to be Tim. Usually they just draw Dick’s old costume.”
Diana and Clark leaned closer to get a better look at the card. Indeed, the longer pants, redder costume, and absence of green were all very telling.
“Wow, they’re learning,” Clark laughed. “I guess Tim’s iconic in his own right now. I’ll have to tell Conner.”
Diana tried not to freeze at the mention of the two of them.
Unfortunately her best friends had, respectively, the best deduction skills and the most tuned supersenses on the planet.
“Something wrong, Diana?” Bruce asked.
“You didn’t get some sort of alert did you?” Clark looked around, worried. “I didn’t hear anything.”
“No no, it’s nothing like that,” Diana waved off. “Sorry.”
“Alright…” Bruce said, unconvinced.
“Well, who’s turn is it?”
“I think it’s still yours, now that you’re out of jail you get another roll,” Clark suggested.
Bruce nodded and rolled the dice.
“Okay well I landed in Central City. I’ll pay the rent and, as promised, I’m playing the Kryptonite card,” Bruce announced.
Clark grumbled. “I dislike everything about this.”
“That means it’s my turn?” Diana asked. Bruce nodded. “Okay… Hera, I landed on jail too. I don’t have a Robin, let me see if I have any other sidekick cards.”
She shuffled through her hand. A lasso of truth, a +5 safety points card, a yellow light card, and… a Superboy card.
“Ahem,” Diana cleared her throat. “Superboy. I’ll play my Superboy.”
“Oh nice!” Clark smiled.
Diana hesitated with the card in her hand.
“Now Superboy goes on top of Robin,” Bruce said.
“What?!” Diana asked, whipping her head to look at him. An expression of genuine concern and a tinge of fear landed on Bruce’s face.
“Um… the discard pile, Diana,” Bruce elaborated. “You… put the Superboy card on the top of the pile. Over the Robin card.”
“Seriously, Diana, is everything alright?” Clark asked.
Diana burned red. Hera, she hated hiding things. “Perfectly fine.”
“You’re lying,” Clark said, his tone thick with slightly betrayed shock. “Y-your pulse.”
Bruce’s finger tapped out a morse code message on the table inconspicuously.
“Do you need help? Is something wrong?” he tapped.
This was getting ridiculous. They were genuinely concerned.
“It’s nothing you need to be worried about,” Diana said, choosing an acceptable (if misleading) form of the truth. “Irrelevant to this conversation and not in the least life threatening.”
Clark and Bruce exchanged looks so Diana held up her wrist. The lasso of truth glowed golden as always — where it had been through the duration of her statement.
“Alright,” Clark relented. “Sorry to freak out like that.”
“I overreacted,” Bruce apologized.
“It’s completely fine,” Diana smiled. “I am grateful for the care. I love both of you. If there was something you needed to know I would tell you.”
“I know,” Bruce nodded. “And you’re right.”
“I trust you, Di,” Clark smiled. “Now, are you gonna escape jail or what?”
Diana was confused for a second before remembering the Superboy card still in her hand.
From there, things only went downhill.
For one, lying for the two of them would be a whole lot easier if either of them were remotely holding up their end of the bargain.
For, it hadn’t even been two days after the initial time she’d stumbled in on the two of them when it happened again.
Diana and Bruce had been strategizing in one of the manor’s many secret studies.
“I think we can get him through the proper legal channels, and that’s always preferable,” Bruce was saying. “Contrary to popular misconception, I don’t strive to replace due process.”
“I think that’s an excellent plan,” Diana concurred. “And if not and you have to show up as Bruce Wayne, I’m more than happy to standby to oversee the proceedings, should anything turn awry.”
“I appreciate the help,” Bruce thanked. He began organizing and cleaning up the mission materials. “If you want to spend some non-urgent time together, I don’t have anything else to attend to this evening.”
Diana’s face became slightly teasing. “Aw, Bruce. Are you, of all people, suggesting quality time?”
“I’m working on my work-life balance, slowly but surely,” Bruce smiled.
He started stacking the case files and putting them away in their respective drawers.
“I’ll be right out, we can use the living room right next door to this one,” he said, as he worked.
Diana nodded cordially and opened the door between the rooms…
… only to immediately slam it behind her to block Bruce’s view of Tim and Conner horizontally making out on the couch, Kon planked above Tim.
They were so wrapped up in their, ahem, activities that they didn’t even notice Diana until she loudly exclaimed, “Really? The living room?”
Kon immediately flew several feet higher into the air and away from Tim like a startled cat.
“Diana! Thank god it’s only you,” Tim breathed.
“You shouldn’t be thanking anyone that your carelessness has led to you being walked in on twice in the same week,” Diana hissed. “For the sake of this awful secret, I’d suggest you choose somewhere besides Bruce’s residence to exchange saliva.”
“That's, like, the grossest way you could have said that.” Kon scrunched up his nose.
“I wouldn’t place wagers on that if I were you,” Diana huffed. “Conner, Bruce is going to be in here any second—”
“Hey, Diana,” Bruce’s voice called, before he’d fully cleared the doorway. Diana looked back around and, thankfully, Kon was already gone. “So I was thinking if we didn’t want to just spend the time talking we could always—”
Bruce finally looked into the room, standing in the doorway. He paused. Diana wasn’t breathing and neither, she imagined, was Tim.
“Oh, hey Tim,” Bruce greeted. “Napping on the couch?”
“Something like that,” Tim squeaked, straightening up. “I’ll just… go to some other living room to… nap.”
Bruce raised an eyebrow. Diana wanted to slap herself on the forehead like a cartoon character.
And it wasn’t like Clark was any easier to dodge suspicion with. For, only a couple days after that, Diana found herself on the Kent farm. And in an equally frustrating situation.
She flew down to the hay-govered gravel driveway next to the barn, eagerly breathing in the countryside air. She could already hear the lively chatter from inside the humble house. She walked closer and knocked on the door.
“Hey Di!” Clark greeted, smiling from ear to ear. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Well I do have mission strategy business talk,” Diana began, “But mostly I just feel like it’s been too long since my last visit to the Kent farm.”
Clark beamed and held his arms out to invite a hug. Diana eagerly accepted, wrapping her arms around him and leaning into his shoulder. Superman, unsurprisingly, gives fantastic hugs.
“Is that her royal majesty I’m hearin’ over there?” Pa Kent shouted from inside the house.
“Clark, don’t you hog our favorite guest!” Martha agreed.
Diana laughed and broke away from the embrace. “I’m sure you say all your guests are your favorite.”
“But with you we mean it,” Martha insisted with a laugh.
Diana walked into the warm living room. The table was set for six and Martha, Jonathan, Lois, and previously Clark had already been digging into breakfast.
“Set another place for Diana, would’ja Clark?” Pa requested.
A gust of wind later and a seventh placemat was squeezed in between Ma and Lois.
Speaking of Lois…
“Hey, Diana!”
“Lois Lane, so good to see you,” Diana beamed. Lois stood and Diana hugged her as well, though Lois was an entire foot shorter than her.
“Sorry to intrude in your breakfast,” Diana apologized, though she knew from Ma’s many profuse invitations that her company was always welcome.
“Diana!” Jon chirped, emerging from the top of the stairs. The young boy must be 11 or 10 by now.
“Jon Ken, is that you?” Diana laughed. “It can’t be — you’re so much taller than the Jon Kent I remember.”
Jon supersped down the stairs and ambushed Diana with a bear hug, wrapping both his arms and his legs around her. The superfamily was almost entirely composed of “huggers,” in sharp contrast to the batfamily.
Diana faked a pained groan, to which Jon laughed.
“You’re way cooler than Clark, you should come here more often,” Jon whispered.
“I heard that!” Clark said, mocking offence.
“If you guys keep hug-attacking Wonder Woman you’re going to regret it at some point,” Lois snorted.
“Nonsense,” Diana refuted. “But Jon, I do think you should probably climb down and eat this lovely meal your family has so graciously prepared for you.”
Jon, who was currently in the process of climbing from the front of her body to the back, paid her suggestion little heed.
“Now the only person missing’s Conner,” Ma counted. “But you know how teenagers are. Sleepin’ from two am to just about lunch time.”
Diana laughed.
“Last night Conner and Diana were working the same crisis, weren’t you?” Clark asked.
Diana froze. “I—”
Just then, Conner appeared at the top of the stairs, yawning exaggeratedly. “Heyyy Diana! Good to see you after that whole crisis we handled together, last night,” Connor said, with aching pointedness.
Diana wished, in that moment, that she were the one with laser vision.
“There he is!” Lois cheered. “Come eat some bacon, sleepyhead.”
“No flying until you get some calories, son,” Pa chimed in. “It’s a rule I enforced with Clark and it’s a rule I’m intent to abide by.”
“As you wish, Pa,” Kon laughed, still a little strained, floating over the stairwell and down to his placemat.
“That crisis you handled must have been annoying,” Clark mused. “Did you send a debrief to the JL HQ?”
“I… haven’t, no,” Diana said, unwilling to directly lie.
“Huh. I’d suggest you do, since it was nearly four AM before Conner got home,” said Clark.
“Was. It. Now.” Diana gritted her teeth.
“Yeah mhm,” Conner rushed. And no, the very apologetic look in his eyes wasn’t doing anything to get him out of trouble with Diana. “It’s good you and the rest of the crew were there.”
“Well, I’m sure it could have been just a two man job as well.”
“All your assistance was really, really helpful, Diana. So, thanks for being so helpful. It was really great how you covered for me.”
“Call it journalistic instinct but you two are communicating very strangely,” Lois griped. “Care to comment?”
“Oh nothing,” Diana waved off. “I admire how committed Conner is with forming such close connections with his young peers.”
Eventually, conversations returned to normal. Everyone ate and chatted in peace.
Except Diana.
Diana was busy glaring daggers into the back of Kon’s head and she knew he felt it. Finally, perhaps it had all been too much, and Kon’s TTK grabbed one end of the lasso of truth and brought it over to him under the table, discretely.
I’m sorry I— Kon began.
I’m willing to avoid the truth for you. I’m willing to support you. I’m willing to do my best to let you have this young love. But I will not be made your alibi. Diana’s inner voice rang so loudly in Kon’s head that he winced.
I know, it’s just Dad asked me where I was going and I didn’t think he’d still be up and Tim was waiting for me so I just kinda… said there was some big crisis you asked for help from us for. I didn’t think it would get back to you, I swear.
Diana paused. She felt the regret weighing in his soul. The lasso wasn’t just a means of telepathic communication, it was also a deeply empathetic spiritual tie.
I’ve been harsh to you. Diana began. Your behavior has not been forgiven but… I do understand you. I was once young, dumb, and in love too.
Yeah?
Yes. A girl on Themyscira, Kasia, was my first love. We were so enamoured that we began neglecting all of our duties. We called upon cunning Hermes to reinforce our lies. It resulted in a wrath from my mother the likes of which I’ve never seen. We were only allowed to continue seeing one another once we’d thoroughly repented and proven ourselves able to keep our lives in balance. But the point is… I understand you. Love can heal. Support. Mend. But it can also distract if you let it. It’s an easy drug to become addicted to. I only pray you will find equilibrium.
Thanks for being understanding, Di.
Can I ask a question, Kon?
Sure.
Do you love him?
Yes. The answer came quickly, likely a result of the compulsion to truth the Golden Perfect provided. Woah. Sorry, I didn’t even realize that. But… yes. I do.
Diana smiled. Okay, but no more lies. Understood?
Understood.
“Hey, no lasso at the breakfast table,” Clark tutted. “We support open and honest conversations in this family, don’t we, Kon?”
“Yes, Dad,” Conner grumbled, reluctantly releasing his hold on the glowing rope.
“My apologies, Kal.”
“Apology accepted,” Clark smiled. “It’s Conner who should know better.”
Diana laughed.
Soon, piles of eggs, bacon, potato, and pancakes dwindled to crumbs stuck to the plates with maple syrup. Jon tossed Krypto half of a strip of bacon.
“No— Jon,” Lois groaned. “If you feed him food from the table it only makes the begging worse.”
Krypto whined, indignantly.
“Does Krypto understand English?” Diana asked.
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Lois sighed.
“I have to get to business in Gateway City,” Diana said reluctantly. “But I can’t thank you enough for your generous hospitality.”
“Oh of course,” Ma beamed.
“Anytime, kiddo,” Pa laughed.
“You’re going already?” Jon complained.
“Thanks for everything, Diana!” Kon waved.
“I still want to interview you as a representative of the Justice League!” Lois called after her.
“See ya later, Diana,” Clark smiled.
Their farewells and Krypto’s shrill barks overlapped as Diana made her way to the door through a swarm of hugs, cheek kisses, and dog licks.
After that, the biting annoyance of Tim and Kon’s secretive relationship dwindled to nothing. She never found the two of them blatantly lying, she never walked in on them — even their fathers managed not to bring the boys up in a way that would cause her stomach to churn with guilt. Everything had become so peaceful that part of her worried the boys had broken up. But those concerns were soon quenched on Easter Sunday.
“Okay everyone, listen up!” Clark announced. “I’ll be at this head of the table. To my right: Tim, Cassie, Lois, Dick, Pa, Donna, Barbara. Then the other head of the table is Bruce. Then to his right is Kon, Damian, Yara, Jon, Diana, Kara, Kate, and Duke. Jason, Steph, Cass, and Karen couldn’t make it — but I’m sure that’s only to Ma and Alfred’s relief when they’re already cooking for six supers, four wonders, and seven bats.”
The absurdly large group of superheroes (and associates) found their way to their assigned spot at the table.
Alfred and Ma — as well as the rest of the Wayne manor extended staff — were more comfortable creating and serving the meal than actually taking part in it themselves.
Kara was telling a story that Diana was only half-listening to. “... So anyways, I was like ‘what the fuck is wrong with you, obviously I don’t know what oil Lex Luthor uses on his shiny scalp — he isn’t even my villain’ and then he was like ‘you’re just trying to gatekeep so it doesn’t sell out at ulta,’ y’know?”
“Mhm,” Diana hummed absently, looking over Jon’s head to stare at Bruce and Kon, trying to pick up bits and pieces of their conversation.
It sounded like Bruce was asking him how school was going, how he likes Smallville, and other small talk. Good.
“... And then he was like ‘do you think Lex’s obsession with Superman is actually just sexual frustration’ and I was like ‘okay well obviously that’s what it is’ and he was like ‘do you think if Superman gave Lex Luthor a blowjob, Lex would stop killing people?’ and I was like ‘I don’t want to talk about Superman giving anyone a blowjob’ and then he was accusing me of being homophobic and I was trying to defend myself by explaining that I’m bisexual but he said that being bisexual doesn’t stop me from being homophobic and of course I can’t explain that I’m only avoiding talking about Superman giving someone a blowjob because I’m his cousin…”
“Yes, very wise,” Diana absentmindedly acknowledged.
“... And I mean then things just got weird—”
“ — WHAT?”
Bruce’s shout and the clatter of his silverware silenced the room.
“Tim, is this true?” Bruce roared, gesturing to Kon.
Tim looked like he might faint. “... Is, um, what true?”
“What Kon just told me — you know what I’m talking about,” Bruce growled.
“No— Mr. Wayne, I didn’t mean—” Kon was trying to interject.
“Bruce, what’s going on?” Clark looked between Tim, Conner, and Bruce with confusion.
“I don’t know, ask Diana,” Bruce hissed. The heads of everyone around the table whipped to look at Diana like they were watching a tennis match.
“I– what?” Diana squeaked.
Bruce might as well have had steam pouring out of his ears. “Oh, I’m at a table full of supergeniuses and all of a sudden everyone’s stupid.”
“Bruce, you’re being a little harsh—” Clark interrupted.
“No, if anything I’m not being harsh enough.” Bruce put his hands on his hips. “No one is saying a damn word until I get answers.”
Silence swallowed the room.
“Bruce, I think you should know–” Diana began.
“ — KON AND I HAD SEX IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE BATMOBILE!”
A moment of silence.
And then—
Deafening noise. Chairs scraping, voices overlapping, shouts bursting. Jon and Damian were quickly shoved out of the room (despite their very impassioned protest) by Lois.
“That’s how you want to tell them we’re dating?!” Kon screeched. “That wasn’t even what he was talking about!”
“How was I supposed to know that wasn’t what he was talking about!” Tim yelled back. “I can’t read minds!”
“The Batmobile?” Dick asked, incredulous. “Really? Is nothing sacred to you people?”
“What the fuck is ‘you people’ supposed to mean?” Kate hissed.
“I meant young people, duh,” Dick volleyed back. “Don’t accuse me of being homophobic, I’ve had gay sex!”
“KNEW it!” Donna yelled.
“Conner, why would you keep this relationship from me?” Clark roared. “After all the progress we’ve made in mutual trust?”
“You guys didn’t know they were hooking up?” Barbara asked.
“This has to be the craziest Easter of all time — including the original one,” Kara snorted.
“Why is everyone ignoring the fact that Wonder Woman clearly knew about this already?” Duke yelled. His shout rose above the din of the crowd, winning their attention. And suddenly, all 15 remaining people at the table were staring right at Diana, again.
Diana took a moment to collect herself. “Yes, I did know about them. I walked in on them pleasuring one another in the study here at Wayne manor—”
“ — oh my god she means kissing, we were kissing,” Tim clarified, his face bright red. “Why the hell would you say ‘pleasuring one another’?”
“I mean you both seemed pleased to me,” Diana indignantly pointed out.
“It doesn’t matter,” Bruce growled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “We don’t need the details.”
“Alright, well the point is I was immediately sworn to secrecy,” Diana sighed. “And so I didn’t tell the two of you.”
“Is that why you’ve been so off?” Clark asked, shocked. “This barely even matters!”
“Oh so our son’s first relationship doesn’t matter to you?” Lois accused.
“It’s not his first relationship,” Tim interjected.
“Babe!” Kon protested.
Clark and Lois’ heads snapped to glare at Kon.
“Yeah okay,” Kon admitted. “Me and Cassie. And M’gann. And Bart. And, like, a couple others.”
“Oh, so you just don’t feel you can trust your parents to know about your love life? Do you think we’ll judge you? That we won’t understand? That we’ll embarrass you?” Lois slammed her fork and knife on the table.
“Did you think we wouldn’t be accepting of you?” Clark questioned.
“No! Of course not! You’re Superman, obviously you’re not a homophobe,” Conner exclaimed.
“This wasn’t even what I was talking about,” Bruce massaged his temples. “I was referring to Kon-El saying that you guys had been going on unauthorized missions to fight the likes of the Joker or Deathstroke.”
“Oh my god, what?” Tim wailed.
“I was just saying that to cover up our relationship!” Kon explained.
“You thought Batman would be more disturbed about you being in a relationship with me than us going on unauthorized missions against deathstroke and the fucking joker?” Tim asked, disbelieving.
“I didn’t know what else to say!”
“Are you really that ashamed of this relationship?”
Shouts overlapped, insults were hurled, and tension continued hiking up and up and up and up until Diana just couldn’t take it anymore. Her mind recounted the events that led her to this point.
She decided that enough was enough.
“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Diana roared. The room froze, stunned into silence. “Sit. Down.”
Bruce, Lois, Tim, and Kon all slowly sat down, looking at her with evolutionary fear.
“This is why truth matters. If anyone in this room — yes, including myself — had prioritized the truth over a convoluted web of lies we wouldn’t be in this predicament. Bruce, try to be less overbearing about the lives of your kids. Mistakes are how we learn. Clark, your children are entitled to their own secrecy and privacy without it being a reflection of their relationship with you. It’s hard enough having a dad with x-ray vision and superhearing. Tim and Kon — choosing to keep your relationship a secret despite all inconvenience sowed the seeds of chaos. A far wiser choice would have been to be open and honest. If your fathers failed to let you have your peace, then I could have helped. Not by keeping a secret, lying for you, or being an alibi — by helping your fathers understand you. By bringing about constructive conversations and collaborative cooperation,” Diana breathed for a couple seconds.
Bruce and Clark were ashamed and contemplative. Kon and Tim hung their heads. Everyone else looked around the room with trepidation.
Moment by moment, tension silently resolved itself.
“And finally… Wondergirl, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you dated Kon-El, how dare you hide such a thing from me?”
The rest of Easter was spent much more pleasantly. The world's unfairest egg hunt occurred (x-ray vision kind of gives you the upper hand), people hugged out their differences, and the excitement of the day wound down to a mellow warmth.
At one point, Diana left to find Tim.
Eventually she found him — on the roof of the manor.
“Is that seat taken?” Diana jokingly gestured to the panel of roofing next to Tim. He smiled and patted the surface invitingly.
They sat watching the sunset in silence for a few seconds.
Diana spoke first. “If you came up here to be alone I don’t want to inhibit that.”
“No, not at all!” Tim rushed. “Well… kind of. It’s just noisy in the manor sometimes.”
“I understand,” Diana smiled.
“But your company is definitely welcome,” said Tim. “As a matter of fact— I really want to apologize for everything. I know these past few days have been rough for you and I really put you between a rock and a hard place.”
“All is more than forgiven, Tim,” Diana assured. “I apologize for my inability to escalate the situation myself.”
“Yeah I know, but that shouldn’t have been your cross to bear.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” Diana asked, conspiratorially.
“Sure?” Tim replied, his voice ticking up at the end of the word.
“When I’m not Diana Prince…” she made a big show of looking to her left and right, “I’m Wonder Woman.”
Tim played along with an over-the-top gasp. “It can’t be!”
“I know, it’s a shock,” Diana smiled. “But the point is, I’m used to accepting burdens that I did not create. If I could go back in time, I would have gotten over my initial shock and scandal and just assisted you to a peaceful conclusion. I should carry more responsibility in these situations. You’re 19. I’m 112.”
Tim looked at her with shock. “Sorry, I forget you’re immortal sometimes.”
“Everyone does,” Diana laughed. “I’m sorry you didn’t have a more peaceful experience with telling your father about your relationship.”
“It’s okay. It’s my fault.” Tim looked down, kicking his legs back and forth as they dangled over the grounds of Wayne manor. “I wouldn’t have told him if I wasn’t pushed to. I guess partly I just get scared that Kon will get… flighty. No pun intended. Like if I told Bruce that he was my boyfriend he’d get all freaked out and not want to date me anymore. Like not wanting to pinch myself because the last thing I want is proof that my thing with him has all been a dream.”
“You underestimate him.”
“I do. I know. It’s my hyperactive brain coming up with shit ‘cause it’s bored.”
Diana laughed, bumping her shoulders into Tim’s playfully.
“I just didn’t want anything to change,” Tim sighed.
“Change doesn’t always indicate conclusion, Timothy,” Diana sagely advised.
Tim smiled, distantly. His eyes were focused on the sun setting before them.
“You should bring these fears to Kon-El,” Diana suggested. “I know he’ll alleviate him. He… is very fond of you.”
Diana avoided using the word ‘love,’ specifically. She’d learned how choosy people are with that word over time and it was the sort of thing Kon should reveal to Tim personally.
“Yeah?” Tim asked.
“He admires you more than you know.”
“How do you know that?”
“The lasso,” Diana shrugged. “And also my eyesight.”
Tim laughed.
A gust of wind blew Diana’s raven hair over her shoulder and suddenly Diana and Tim were face to face with Clark and Conner.
“Hey, Mr. Kent,” Tim said warily.
Clark laughed, his voice rich with warmth. “Clark or Kal is just fine, Tim. I just came up here to apologize. Me and Bruce were just shocked at the table and it overshadowed how happy we are for you. How proud I am of both of you. I hope you feel comfortable now with being open about your relationship but that is your choice to make. You’re always welcome to visit us in Metropolis or on the farm. We’d love to have ya.”
“Thanks Mr— Clark. That’s really generous of you,” Tim said, gratefully.
“Okay, the second reason I came up here was to steal you, Diana,” Clark explained. “Switch dance partners?”
Diana smiled, floating up from the edge of the roof and allowing Kon to take her place. She grabbed Clark’s hand as they both drifted down to the oversized patio behind the manor.
She noticed Clark looking behind them. She followed his eyesight to see Tim and Kon, still sitting next to one another. Tim was laying his head on Kon’s shoulder as their fingers laced together.
“They’re sweet, aren’t they,” Clark hummed. “Tim just explained his insecurity about their relationship and Kon just told him he loves him.”
“How precious,” Diana smiled. “And now you’re going to rein in your hearing and give them their privacy, right?”
Clark cringed, “Shoot! Right, old habits die hard.”
Bruce exited the large glass double doors and stalked out to greet them. He’d undone his bowtie and the top button of his shirt and was holding a stemless glass of red wine.
“Hey guys,” Bruce greeted. A rare smile sat comfortably across the bat’s face. “The kids getting along?”
“Yes,” Diana reported. “All is right in the world.”
All three of the world’s most prolific heroes simply let warm, easy silence settle around them as they leaned on the balcony railing and listened to the chirping crickets.
“Can I ask…” Diana began, “Do you think I made a mistake in not telling you from the get-go?”
“I don’t think you did anything wrong,” Bruce denied.
“I’m sure you just felt it wasn’t your business,” Clark shrugged.
Diana nodded. “It’s true. I wasn’t expecting things to get so crazy — to be dragged so deep into this mess.”
“Young love,” Clark shrugged. “What can you do?”
Crickets. Rainbow clouds. Muted conversations.
Diana breathed the moment in. Her day had been so rough, just a couple hours ago. And now here she was. At complete peace with the people she loves most in the world as her company. Truth is a powerful thing.