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Safi opened the patio door leading to the inside of the Snapping Turtle proper.
She should’ve known.
From the moment she’d decided to leave, almost a year ago, she should’ve known she was also relinquishing the chance to see her friendship with Max bloom into something more.
Not that they ever expressed any romantic feelings for each other — never explicitly at least — but, contrary to what some people might believe, Safi was still very much capable of rational thought. She’d seen the way Max looked at her, doe-eyed and hanging on her every word, like Safi instinctually commanded her full attention the second she entered the room. There had been something there, an intimacy that Safi hadn’t known in years. Close to five, to be exact. But Maya had left her behind. And then she’d gone and done the same thing to Max.
Safi disliked hypocrites, but she hated being one even more.
She’d been overwhelmed. By so many things. The wound of Maya’s death, left to fester, coming back to haunt her with the cancelation of her book deal; the rage she felt after finding out so many of the people closest to her had actually worked behind her back to silence the truth; the ugly and visceral betrayal that had taken over her when all clues pointed to Max’s involvement.
Except she wasn’t. Because everything she had done, she had done to protect Safi. Truly protect her, not in the ‘I know better than you’ way that ended up destroying her relationship with her mother.
Max had powers. Just like her.
Safi had spent a decade wondering whether or not she was the only one. If there was maybe something wrong with her. An insecure girl shaped by a woman that desperately needed her to be perfect and instead grew up so fragile that she shuttered into a thousand pieces, each fragment reflecting a different face.
But Max had saved her. Stubborn, overly compassionate Max had seen someone who looked and sounded just like her get swallowed by an icy lake and instead of running away — and maybe fix her front door like any sane person — she dived in to help her when Safi couldn’t help herself.
Their following talk had left her reeling. There’s no correct way to discover that your best friend possesses reality breaking powers. Nor that she’d been using them extensively to undo your death in a different timeline. And yet, what Safi felt above all was relief. Because she wasn’t alone anymore; because Max had never betrayed her, not even when she might have deserved it. She stood by her side, accepted her, even as they sat surrounded by the evidence of Safi’s destructive anger.
It was good for a short while. They reverted back to their old selves, back when they were free to break into abandoned bowling alleys for an impromptu photoshoot, or sit together under the night sky to watch a meteor shower, if burdened by the duty of exposing Lucas. They’d felt on the cusp of something.
Except the guilt had also made its comeback.
Safi knew in her heart that Maya wouldn’t have wanted to see her punish herself in such a way, deny her feelings behind an illusion of faithfulness that, in truth, was nothing more than self-flagellation.
So she pretended not to notice.
And then everything came apart. She’d come apart. And Max had done the impossible and saved her one more time, glued the shards of her soul back together with a care that was intrinsically hers.
Safi had been so close when Max found her in the storm. So close to give in to her desires and Max’s pleas to stay. But the storm left her with so many conflicting emotions: relief, sorrow, anger, bitterness, purpose.
And so she had run away. The excuse to seek out others like them – only true in part – came easily to her lips to hide the paralyzing shame that had seized her body. Shame. And the resentment that her mangled heart refused to let go of. Safi knew, even as she held her face in the palm of her hand, that Max’s promise to wait for her was but the umpteenth demonstration of the girl’s unshakable loyalty. It was never meant as some grand romantic gesture and now it never would.
It wasn't terrible at first. Her search wasn’t solely an excuse to leave. She truly wanted to find out more. For her and Max both.
She was quickly forced to temper her expectations and, after months of what felt like directionless wandering, she found the further from Caledon she went, the faster her mind spiraled. She began shifting, more and more frequently until even Diamond, with no small amount of hesitation, told her she was going overboard. She didn’t listen. She needed to keep her mind busy and pretending to be someone else helped her feel better. More in control.
Until it didn’t.
It wasn’t long until the thought of Max chained itself to the forefront of her brain. It became harder to move forward, her goals less defined even after she began shifting for longer periods of time. She decided to return with her tail between her legs and the selfish knowledge that Max would’ve taken her back in an instant.
She’d spent months imagining everything she wanted to say, dreaming the moment Max would be back in her arms and Safi could finally accept the offer she’d made her back then. To stay; to work to fix her mistakes, hoping it wasn’t too late.
And then she’d gone and fucked up. Again.
She’d opened her stupid mouth, let herself be controlled by her bruised feelings, and blamed her for things that weren’t her fault. Again.
Except Max wasn’t alone anymore. Didn’t need Safi anymore, either. A stab of pain pierced her chest as she watched them together, smiling and laughing and utterly unaware of the way Safi would’ve dropped down to her knees in repentance had Max payed her long enough attention to let her do so.
Safi made her way to the bar where Amanda was busy polishing a bunch of cups and the familiarity of the scene helped soothe her storming thoughts. She sat down on one of the stools and gestured to get her attention, eyes looking anywhere else.
Being back at Caledon after everything was… uncomfortable, to put it mildly.
Amanda stared at her, her features a mask of composure. If she was surprised or annoyed to see her, she didn’t show it. “The usual?” She asked, already reaching for a bottle of vodka.
Safi nodded, hoping she would shift her attention away from her as soon as possible. She liked Amanda, always had, but she wasn’t one to mince words.
“Uh, yeah, thanks.”
She downed the glass in one shot, welcoming the burning sensation in her throat.
“Welcome back party not going the way you wanted it to?”
Ouch.
She deserved that, Safi knew. She smiled sardonically. “You could say that.”
Amanda leaned closer to rest her elbows on the counter, eyes fixed on Safi.
About to brighten my day, surely.
“Good. You can’t expect to leave as you did and come back like nothing happened.” Amanda’s words being pointed, but not harsh, was the only thing that convinced Safi to keep listening. She’d still rather avoid the conversation though.
“Look, I didn’t come here to-“
Amanda cut her off, not missing a beat. “She waited for you, you know?”
She didn’t need to specify who 'she' was.
Safi stayed silent, the ever-present fangs of guilt sinking deeper into her guts.
Selfish.
“Every time she thought no one was paying attention, she’d look around. Like you might magically appear in front of her out of thin air. Moses, too. Do you know how hard it’s been for them?”
Safi sighed and rubbed her eyes. If she started thinking about Moses, the weight of it would’ve crushed her for good.
“Amanda I-“ She tried, but a humorless laugh interrupted her again.
“I really thought you were crazy. You know, aside from all the magic bullshit,” She seemed to be considering her words. “I’ve spent months chasing after Max because I genuinely believed we could make it work,” Her tone turned almost accusatory and Safi was taken aback by its earnestness. “But you had her. She was happy with you and you squandered it.”
She sighed, leaning back. “I won’t pretend to know your reasons and I don’t think you shallow enough to have left for purely selfish reasons,”
Then you’d be wrong.
“What I do know is that your absence deeply hurt Max. Even if she pretends it didn’t.”
Safi traced her finger over the rim of the tiny glass. How pathetic was it that she couldn’t even bring herself to meet Amanda’s eyes? Her voice was quiet.
“I know, alright? I’m not blind, Amanda, but what I did- I couldn’t stick around after that,” She briefly looked toward the patio doors and away from Amanda’s frown. “And she seems to be doing just fine without me.”
That was unfair and she knew it, but she’d just seen the girl she loved on a cozy date with her formerly dead girlfriend, so Safi figured she could allow herself to indulge in her own misery for a little bit.
Amanda looked at her like she had grown another head.
“Are you fucking serious right now? Reggie, not now, come back in 10.” She shooed the approaching boy with a brisk gesture, an empty chips basket cradled in his hands.
“I have to leave in 10 minutes. Can’t you put whatever this is on pause for 30 seconds?” Reggie protested.
Amanda pinched the bridge of her nose with a tired expression. “5 minutes and the next beer is on the house.”
Reggie considered it briefly, then shrugged and went back to his table.
The first spark of irritation finally hit her and Safi was too mentally exhausted to bother keeping it together.
“Yes Amanda, I am in fact, fucking serious. Thank you for noticing.”
She watched the bartender lean with her back to the counter and stare at the ceiling with an incredulous expression and Safi couldn’t help but feel slightly insulted. Amanda faced her again, palms spread wide in front of her, resembling a teacher resigned to having to repeat the lesson to a particularly obtuse student.
“Let me get this straight. You think, for some obscure reason,” Safi rolled her eyes. “That just because Max reunited with her childhood best friend after a decade of her being dead, that it automatically means she has no space left for you in her life?”
Safi hesitated, unsure of how much Max had revealed. “She- it’s complicated. She was... special. She’s the reason Max stopped using her powers.”
She heard the bartender mutter under her breath something that sounded suspiciously like ‘fucking dumbass’. Amanda looked at her with a serious expression.
“And you’re the reason she started using them again. Safi, I’m not stupid and neither are you. Max spent the past year and a half pining after you,” Safi lowered her gaze, suddenly very interested in the blemishes marking the wooden surface. Amanda continued undeterred. “Even when I thought we might have been a thing, you were the only thing on her mind. Our relationship tanked in two different timelines because you occupied all the top spots on her priority list. She went above and beyond to keep your ass alive."
A veil of sadness fell over her features and the edge in her voiced waned. “How can you not see that?”
Safi swallowed hard, feeling her throat starting to close as she played with her still empty glass.
“I do. See it. It’s just… maybe it would’ve been better if she didn’t.”
Amanda’s face softened. She switched the small tumbler with a glass of water and instead poured one for herself.
Safi laughed bitterly. “I mean, I almost killed the entire school and caused the fucking apocalypse,” She took a sip of the liquid, wishing Amanda wasn’t such a responsible adult. “and then run away and left her to pick up the pieces.”
‘”You mean ‘us’, thank you very much.” Chimed Amanda before downing her own drink.
Safi gritted her teeth. “The point is, I saw her. Amanda, she could barely look at me long enough to say hello. Even if she did feel something for me, it’s clearly gone now.” She paused for a moment, her heart squeezing painfully at the admission. She slammed the bottom of the cup against the counter with a loud ‘clank’. “She looks happy now, I’m not going to ruin that as well.”
Amanda contemplated her words.
“Have you asked her what she wants, or are you blindly guessing?”
“Wha-“
“Did she tell you that has feelings for someone else? Or is it easier to think that so you can keep wallowing in your own self-pity instead of actually owning up to your mistakes and maybe giving yourself a second chance?”
Safi looked at her in bewilderment. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
“Because, and I speak from personal experience, if there is one person that’s worth the extra effort, it’s Max. You should talk to her, tell her how you feel.”
Safi remembered using similar words back when she stupidly insisted on playing matchmaker for the two of them. How ironic. Despite herself, she could help a small smile and was surprised to see it returned.
“And if it really is unsalvageable, fuck it, at least you’ll know you tried instead of immediately giving up. We won’t run out of vodka either.”
“When the hell did this turn into a pep-talk about my love life?” Safi asked more to herself than anything.
Amanda looked at her matter-of-factly.
“When you started looking like a kicked puppy at the thought of talking to a girl.”
Safi gasped in indignation.
“Excuse me, I am NOT-“
Amanda shook her head in an exaggerated manner and began scrubbing the counter again.
“Seriously, one would think you’d have solved these kinds of issues years ago. How did you even make her fall for you in the first place if you’re this much of a mess?” She pointed the dirty rag in her direction and Safi narrowed her eyes but held no real hostility behind them. “Maybe you are right after all.”
“Shut it, Thomas.”
A third voice cut in.
“Hey, I hate to interrupt you guys again, but I really have to go now. I’ll cash in that beer next time!”
“Yeah, yeah, Reggie, now scram.”
Reggie turned around, ready to bolt just to smash into a cheerful looking Vinh, who steadied him with a flirty smile.
“And where are you going in such a hurry?”
Reggie hesitated, looking back and forth between Vinh and the door, before making his way backward towards the exit. “I- I really can’t talk right now! I’ll text you later, okay?”
Amanda shook her head. “You should give the poor boy a break.”
Vinh laughed, watching him disappear, then plopped down in the stool next to Safi’s.
She briefly wondered what she had done wrong to deserve this and promptly retracted the question. She needed a cigarette.
He regarded her with an easy smile, but Safi could tell it missed that charming glint he used to reserve for her. It comforted her. She’d been vaguely aware that he still hadn’t let go of his crush up until she left, but it seemed her absence had freed them both from those shackles.
“Wasn’t expecting to see you two hang out. Mind catching me up on the latest gossip?”
Before Safi could close that particular door, Amanda replied enthusiastically.
“Sure, I was just about done telling Professor X here to stop drowning her sorrows in alchol and confess to Max already.”
Safi raised her arms in exasperation.
“Really?!”
Amanda shrugged, lilting about ‘reparations’ while handing a beer off to a customer. Safi groaned. Why had she decided to come back again?
“Also, I’m a shape-shifter, not a-“
“Max, uh? Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. I’m only surprised it took you this long to get here. Although I’m feeling quite vindicated knowing it wasn’t my fault our relationship crashed as abysmally as it did.”
He gracefully accepted the offered drink.
“But I gotta admit I am a bit surprised. I thought you would have told her by now. I mean, you know me, far be from me airing out anyone’s dirty laundry, but-,”
Safi glared at him, gesturing annoyed between the two offending parties. “No, please go on. That seems to be everyone’s favorite pastime today.”
Amanda smirked and Vinh continued unperturbed, though his face lost some of his mirth.
“It was pretty obvious you had feelings for her even when we were still together. It was pretty hard to ignore it,” He looked her up and down and brought the drink to his lips. “I never took you for the type who’d be too scared of making the first move.”
“I’m not! It’s just- She…” Safi huffed frustratedly. “It’s different.”
Amanda shot her a warning look, index finger pointed sharply in Safi’s direction. “Oh, I’m sorry, was my motivational speech not good enough for you? ‘Cause we can always go over it again.”
“I think I’ll pass, thanks.” Safi answered monotously.
“I fail to see what the problem is here. Yes, I vaguely remember you almost exploding all of our skulls, but — and I do find this sliightly alarming — Max didn’t seem to particularly mind. Which, by the way, puts her on the same scale of lunatic as you. No offense, of course.”
Safi smiled at him with exaggerated sweetness. “None taken.”
Vinh bumped their elbows together in an amicable way and Safi wondered how they could still be so nonchalant around her. Maybe Max was right and the whole making amends and start over business really was possible.
“You came back for her, I assume?” Taking Safi’s lack of refutal as confirmation, he continued. “Then go or there and prove it. Show her you’re not going to leave again. You’re hot Safi, you have your own absurd superpowers and to be honest, there’s always been an odd sexual tension between you two.” Amanda nodded in agreement, only half listening.
“Ookay, this is approaching super weird territory. I’m just-“ she gestured towards the exit. “Gonna take that as my cue to go.” Safi pulled out her wallet when the creaking noise of the patio doors opening stopped her where she stood. A wave of uneasiness washed over her.
“I’ll see you later, yeah? Text me if you need anything. I mean it Max, anything at all. No matter how stupid you think it might be.” The voice was still unfamiliar, but Safi had no doubts who the owner was. Her posture grew rigid and she held her breath, unsure what exactly she was listening for. She should get out while she could still do so unnoticed — or before she heard something she really didn’t want to hear — but her feet refused to move.
A second voice spoke up, the same that had haunted Safi’s dreams for the past year.
“I will, thanks Chloe. And, I’m sorry. For everything. Having you here... it means the world to me.” Sneaking a furtive glance, Safi felt her stomach sink as she watched the taller girl pull Max in a tight hug and kiss her right temple, lingering a second too long for it to be considered purely platonic. She bit her lip and hurriedly took a dew coins to hand to Amanda. She wasn’t in the mood for any of that.
“Don’t go all mushy on me now, Max. I’ve got the rest of our lives to make you regret that statement.” Breaking the hug, she turned around and her gaze paused on Safi. Cursing herself for hesitating in her retreat, but not one to back down from a challenge, she returned it, shifting uncomfortably as she watched the blue haired girl make her way towards her with a determined look on her face. She stopped a few inches away from Safi and crossed her arms.
“If you hurt her again I’ll find a way to return you to the reality where you got fucking bodied.”
Safi arched an eyebrow, unimpressed.
“Oh, the one where you’re also dead?” She replied. With the corner on her eye, she caught Max shaking her head. The blue haired girl narrowed her eyes, then walked past her without another word.
Max joined them right after, waving at Amanda and Vinh, who, at Safi’s displeasure, were watching the exchange with rapt attention.
“Sorry about that. Chloe can get a little intense sometimes, but she’s secretly a dork.”
Safi’s shoulders slumped, her laugh ringing hollow to her ears. “No, she’s right. I wouldn’t trust me either if I were her.”
They stood in awkward silence for a few beats, then Max spoke again, an anxious glint in her blue eyes.
“Safi? Can we… talk? In private.” Safi’s palms started to sweat and she pretended not to notice Vinh and Amanda sharing a look. Before she could think of an excuse to escape her predicament, the bartender once again elected to kick Safi off the metaphorical cliff. She gladly would’ve taken the real thing if given the choice.
“I can ask the people outside to clear out the patio if you like? I’ll make sure nobody disturbs you.” She offered.
Max smiled gratefully. “That would be perfect. Thanks, Amanda, you’re the best,” The girl in question winked, mimicking shooting guns with her fingers. “Hey, being the campus' hero has to come with a few perks, right?” Max laughed, the sound alleviating some of Safi’s tension. “No way, Caledon’s most beloved bartender is only interested in me because of my powers?” Amanda stuck her tongue out. “That’s no way to talk to a dear friend who’s doing you a favor, Caulfield.” They shared a grin, then Max turned back to Safi.
“Safi?”
Shit.
This was too soon. She wasn’t ready.
“I um, I was actually-“ Safi stammered.
“She was actually telling us that she wanted to talk to you too. Crazy how these things work.”
If looks could kill, Vinh would have dropped dead on the floor of the Snapping Turtle from the sheer force of Safi’s glare. Instead, he smugly turned to her mouthing the words ‘you’re welcome’ and taking a sip of his drink.
She was going to enjoy wiping that stupid smirk off his face with her own hands later. Assuming she made it through the next fifteen minutes or so.
All the walls Safi had spent months building started to crumble when Max perked up, the glimmer of hope in her eyes far too disarming to be denied.
“Really?”
Safi did her best to appear collected. “Yup, sure did. That’s exactly what I was saying, thank you Vinh.” The last part came out sounding more like a threat, but he remained unfazed, raising his beer towards her in cheer.
“Alright then! I promise we won’t take long.” Said the photographer as the last customer was successfully evicted from the small terrace.
Amanda shooed them with a noncommittal wave of her hand. “Take as long as you need. I can handle a couple of grumpy clients.”
Max turned and Safi took the opportunity to flip the middle finger at her two - what, friends? - before she followed helplessly, heart pounding wildly in her chest.
The air was pleasantly cool on Safi’s face. Not cold yet, but not warm enough to make her seek a spot in the shade, either. September again. Around this time last year was when she’d first met Max. It seemed unthinkable. She’d been part of Safi’s life for such a short time, yet somehow managed to flip her entire world upside down. It made Safi’s head spin to think about.
“So-“
“I-“
They chuckled awkwardly. Safi looked down, gesturing for her to go first.
“I uh, I saw the poem. I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to read it or not, but it was right there and-“
Safi straightened her posture, but shook her head reassuringly. “It’s fine. It felt right, I think. It’s been a while since I wrote something that wasn’t inspired by… anger and grief. “ She looked away and Max stepped closer, laying a comforting hand on Safi’s arm. “I guess a part of me missed having an audience after last year’s fiasco.” She joked unconvincingly. “Besides, it was just-“
“Beautiful.” Max finished. The tenderness reflected in her eyes made Safi’s heart skip a beat. Any attempt at deflection died on her tongue and all she could manage was a quiet “Thank you.”
“Safi, about what you said before,” Max started, sounding like she was afraid her words would spook Safi if she didn’t speak them softly enough.
Safi cringed. “I know. I- I wanted to apologize. I’ve been back for five minutes and I’m already being as ass. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t- It’s not my place to tell you how to use your powers.”
Max’s smile didn’t reach her eyes and Safi wanted to slap herself.
Selfish.
“Maybe. But you were right. Even if I mean well… I always end up hurting people. I brought you back to life and didn’t even think how that would impact you. I should’ve been there for you.”
A tiny, rancourus part of Safi wanted to agree, to ask Max how often she second guessed her decisions. How often she thought of Safi while she was gone. She shook her head. “I’m the one who left, remember?”
“But I should’ve done something! Tried harder to reach you.” Max started pacing, coming to a halt when Safi grabbed her by the shoulders.
“Max, as incredible as I think you are, there was nothing you could’ve done that would have kept me here. I had to get away from… everything. And looking for answers was a much more appealing prospect than coming back to school on Monday to face all my former friends whom I’d just tried to murder.” She tried to smile, but she knew she wasn’t fooling either of them.
“Safi, that wasn’t your fault. You were hurt and lost control of your powers. Lucas-“
“It doesn’t matter if it was or not, Max. Not to them. And not to me either,” Her voice cracked and Max watched impotently as Safi grew more distressed. “I’ve spent the past year trying to understand how much of that was me and how much wasn’t, and I still couldn’t find an answer. Not to that and certainly not as to why we tranformed into the fucked up versions of the characters from Moses’ ridiculous comic books.” She paused, grimacing. “Don’t tell him I said that.”
Max smiled weakly. “I won’t.“
Safi took a deep breath, realizing how agitated she’d gotten. When she faced Max, her voice was soft, devoid of the previous edge.
“I don’t know that I could’ve been the person you wanted me to be, but I am sorry for leaving you alone. And make you clean up my mess.”
Max reached for her hand and held it tightly in her own. The look she gave her made Safi’s heart ache.
“Safi, you didn’t make me do anything. What happened, the storm… it was just as much my fault as it was yours. And I never wanted you to be anything you weren’t, even when you were struggling. Even when you were lashing out or,” Max chuckled. “breaking into my house to look for clues.” Safi lowered her head in embarrassment and Max cupped her cheek with her free hand, catching her eyes again.
“Safi, I never wanted you to be anyone else.”
Safi wanted to scream.
The lump in her throat swelled. She really did not want to cry right now.
“Really, Max? The one thing I’m good at?”
Max didn’t laugh. She just stared at her in complete earnest and squeezed Safi’s hand.
“Really.”
That should’ve been enough for Safi.
Max didn’t blame her. Didn’t see her as the huge screw up that she was. She wasn’t even mad when any sound of mind person would have probably told her to fuck off within the first five minutes of seeing her again.
It should've been enough.
But she’d always been selfish at heart and never good at keeping her mouth shut.
“Not even your blue-haired girl?” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.
Fuck. No turning back now.
Max’s eyes widened, taken aback by her words. Her hand dropped from Safi’s face.
“Huh?”
Shit. Fuck. Fuck.
“I just- I saw you. Earlier on the boat. You looked… cozy.” She scrambled, gesturing toward the lake, hoping her voice sounded steadier than she felt.
Max blinked, now the one avoiding the other’s eyes. “Oh. Right. You were watching?”
“No. I mean yes, but just long enough to spot you. I wasn’t like, spying on you or anything,” Safi would’ve loved if the storm came back and took her away right about now. “Forget I brought it up. Not my business, got it.” She finished lamely, giving two thumbs up.
“N-No, it’s fine. We just needed a place to-“ She didn’t finish her sentence and Safi wished she could just disappear.
“You don’t need to explain anything, Max. I get it. It’s not every day your dead best friend comes back to life,” She tilted her head with a teasing, if timid grin. “Though, it does seem to happen to you more often than it does the rest of us.”
Max lowered her head with a bashful smile and Safi took the opportunity to continue, voice quieter than before.
“I shouldn’t have blamed you, by the way. For you know, focusing on her and not-“ Safi winced, nerves closing up her throat. “I was being selfish. I should stop trying to keep Caledon’s big hero all to myself, uh?” She laughed derisorily.
“You’re not selfish, Safi-“ Max took a step forward, raising a hand to reach for her again and stopping when Safi stepped back. She let her hand drop between them. The poet smiled wrily, not meeting her eyes.
“I got a little jealous, I guess? She seems,” Protective. Caring. Head over heels in love with you. “Good for you. Not having to worry whether or not she’s going to implode if someone says the wrong thing must make for better company, too. Nope, sorry, bad joke.”
God, breathe in Safi.
“She… clearly cares about you a lot. I would’ve given her the shovel talk, but she beat me on that too. We might be a bit too similar. Maybe that’s the problem.” She thought for a moment about what she wanted to say, then figured she might as well get it all out of her system while she had the chance. “It’s weird, you know? Living life with the knowledge that I died even though I technically never did. But every now and then I get these flashes, like trying to look through a fogged up window. Except all I see is my body laying in the snow at the outlook, knowing that there was a version of me that fucked things up so badly," Her voice cracked. "That the best person I know had to to kill me. That I almost…” She stopped with her back turned to Max, staring holes in the floor. “It makes me wonder, sometimes, if… it wouldn’t have been better to leave things as they were.”
Max circled around her, forcing Safi to look at her. Safi couldn’t recall ever seeing Max so… angry. Certainly not at her. She found she didn’t mind enduring the heat of her gaze if it meant uncovering a new side of her. When she spoke, her voice was low with barely restrained fury.
“Don’t say that. You’re so much more than your mistakes, Safi. The days after you- after I shot you… It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. It was like all of my worst fears and regrets came to life right in front of me. And maybe that makes me the selfish one because I never regretted having you back for a moment.”
Max’s eyes shone with a resolve Safi couldn’t bring herself to fight against. Hearing how deeply she cared filled her with sadness — the thought of having disappointed Max when she left was scalding — but it also allowed a small crack in Safi’s heart to start healing.
She sighed, sliding down against the wooden railing and onto the floor. Max mimicked her movements, sitting beside her.
“Because you’re too good to me, Caulfield. I didn’t mean to imply I’d rather be dead. I don’t. But I’m tired of hiding behind excuses. What I’m trying to say is- She took a deep breath. “I ran in circles for a year, Max, looking for some kind of divine purpose or whatever, a compass that would tell me how to deal with all this. And all I ended up was lost and alone.”
“And that’s why you came back? You felt lonely?” Max smiled kindly, bumping their knees together. The previous fire in her blue eyes now diminished to a flame. Warm. Calming.
Safi contemplated the question, then shook her head, nervously playing with her rings.
“Remember when we were trapped in the storm? When you asked me why the final piece of my soul didn’t hurt you and I said I didn’t know? I lied. It didn’t hurt you because that’s where it was already meant to be. Because you’re the only place I’ve always felt safe in,” She chanced a peek at the girl next to her and saw her eyes widen. Safi couldn’t quite pinpoint the emotion reflected in them. “Even Moses. He’s like the brother I’ve never had, but he doesn’t get it. He can’t. Not fully, at least. But you? There was this pull, right from the start. Like someone was yanking on the chains I wrapped around my heart after Maya died. It felt like I could breathe again for the first time in years.”
Max stared at her, mouth agape. Safi could see understanding dawning on her. It was terrifying.
“Safi…”
Safi kept going, ignoring when tears started to cloud her vision. She could keep it together. She could.
“Max, I came back because you’re the only thing that makes sense anymore. And I know- I know it’s not the right time and I have a whole list of bullshit to make up for, but I couldn’t keep going like that. Even if it’s only on my part. I had to tell you before I went insane. Again,” She shot her a teary smile. “That, and Amanda would’ve barred me from entering the Snapping Turtle for the rest of eternity if I didn’t.”
She waited in silence for a reply, leaving Max some time to digest everything. Her heart was hammering loudly in her ears, already steeling itself for rejection. When seconds stretched into minutes and no response came, Safi’s stomach sank.
What did she expect? She had just waltzed back into Max’s life and dropped a goddamn bomb on her when she already had her hands full. Yet a small part of her had somehow managed to remain hopeful despite everything. Safi found that was what hurt the most.
And if it really is unsalvageable, at least you’ll know you tried.
This was the last time she followed one of Amanda’s advice. Let her stick to comedy.
Finally, she crumbled.
Safi cleared her throat, ignoring the wave of nausea that threatened to clog it shut.
“It’s fine, Max. You don’t need to-. I just thought I should let you know.”
She bit her lip hard, inhaling deeply in an effort to keep the tears at bay. She refused to cry. Knowing Max, she would five straight into trying to console her and her pity was the last thing Safi wanted at the moment.
Nodding one final time, she made to stand up when a hand firmly grasped her forearm, stopping her in her tracks. She turned, bracing for the inevitable look of sympathy adorning Max’s face and the knowledge she’d just made a fool of herself.
She wasn’t ready when the same hand rose up to cup the side of her face and pulled her into a kiss.
Safi froze. Thoughts raced through her mind as she desperately tried to make sense of what the hell was going on before she let herself melt into it with a trembling sigh. Max’s touch was firm, secure, so different from the soft disposition Safi had become accustomed to. She held onto Safi like she was scared she’d disappear again. Like she scooped up all the broken pieces of her heart to stitch them back together for the second time.
They broke apart, breathing heavily and Safi rested their foreheads together, eyes still shut tight. This was real. Was this real?
Max pulled away first, brushing a thumb over Safi’s cheek to gently coax her eyes open. Safi did as instructed and her breath itched.
Max was intolerably beautiful.
The warm light of the late afternoon hours illuminated her features in such a way that Safi wished she could capture the moment to look at it over and over. Her light blue eyes overflowing with affection as she gazed at Safi like the simple action could grant an answer to her every question. Safi felt dizzy.
“I don’t-“ She swallowed, looking for the right words and tried again. “I thought you and the blue-haired girl were...“ She frowned. “Max, if this your idea of a soft rejection, I’d rather you give it to me straight.”
Max shushed her, rolling her eyes lightheartedly. “Safi. You really think I would do something like that?”
“Ok, no, but-“ Safi conceded. “On the boat earlier, you seemed… happy. I assumed you wanted to pick up where you two left off.”
Max nodded. “We did talk about it, but,” She gave her a look when Safi made to speak again. “It didn’t feel right. When Chloe asked if I wanted to give us another try… All I could think about was how much I wanted to hear those words coming from you,” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve spent the past ten years thinking about the choices I made in Arcadia Bay. Debating whether they were the right ones or not. Torturing myself, knowing that because of me, the woman I loved died. And then she came back. And we’re still trying to unpack what that means, but it made me realize how much I’ve changed since then. How much time helped heal wounds I didn’t think would ever close. I didn’t think I deserved to move on. I was still here and she wasn’t. Because I made it so. It felt like a betrayal,” She looked at Safi with so much fondness it almost hurt. “But when I moved to Caledon… For the first time, I started to believe I could forgive myself. Be worthy of feeling those feelings again. Safi, you allowed me to feel those feelings again.”
Safi looked at her in bewilderment. She had dreamed about this so many times before she wasn’t sure she could trust her own ears. Maybe she’d just snapped for good. “Soo… You’re serious? This is not a hallucination my mind made up after I passed out from alchol poisoning?”
Max chuckled, shaking her head no.
Uh.
Safi blinked lethargically.
“I… was sure I’d ruined things when I left. And when I returned, your other tragic dead girlfriend was also here and taking you on a romantic cruise over the lake during the golden hour. Wow, saying it out loud makes me feel way less unreasonable.”
Max lightly hit Safi’s arm with a huff. “I’m sorry! It just took me a while to unravel the whole thing in my brain, ok?”
Safi’s grin vanished, and her expression grew more serious. “You don’t need to apologize, Max. This is more than I could’ve hoped for. More than I deserve.” Her voice came out smaller as she said the last part. “Not that I want to self-sabotage after possibly getting the girl, but… are you sure this is what you want?”
Max took her hand, interlocking their fingers together. They fit perfectly. They always had. She held her gaze firmly as she spoke, a light pink blush tinting her cheeks.
“I love Chloe, more than words can express and that will never change. But I’m _in_ love with you, Safi, and there’s nothing in the world that I want more.”
Safi couldn’t contain herself any longer; she grabbed Max by the back of her head and kissed her for all she was worth. Swallowing the surpised yelp, she tangled her fingers in soft auburn hair and let herself get lost in Max once again.
The second kiss was sweeter than the first, lazier, lacking their initial desperation, but to Safi, it was just as mind numbingly intense. She broke off with a laugh.
“Sounds like a pretty underwhelming reward after such a long ass time.”
Max tilted her head, playfully glaring at her. “I think you’re fine, but I can always make a detailed presentation on how amazing you are if that’ll make you believe it.”
“Oh? Are you planning on holding a lecture on how smart and sexy I am, Professor Caulfield? It sounds highly inappropriate.” Safi asked with a smirk.
“I’d rather pull all-nighters grading papers for a week than bring that up with any of my students.” Max winced at the idea.
Safi hummed in mock agreement. Then she grinned mischievously. “You know, Amanda said something interesting to me earlier.”
Max looked at her quizzically.
“She told me all about how I would plague your every thought even when you two were,” She made a weird gesture with her hands. “Trying things out.”
Max’s face turned a darker shade of red and Safi’s heart swelled with the desire to pepper kisses all over it. “I’d hoped she wouldn’t notice.” She said sheepishly.
Safi shrugged, enjoying the flustered look on the photographer’s face for a few more seconds before deciding to throw her a bone. “If it makes you feel better, His Majesty Lord Abraxas himself complained that I ‘crashed’ our ‘relationship’ because I was too busy fawning over you to pay him the attention he deserved.” She said with an overdramatic emphasis of the air quotes.
“He did mention something like that before.” Max nodded.
“He did? When was that?” Safi glanced at her in confusion.
“Well, you weren’t there. In that timeline, I mean. I found him drinking at the bar and decided to join him,” Max smiled at the memory. “Played smash or pass for a while too.”
Safi shot her a scandalized look. “And here I thought you above playing those shallow little games!” She quirked an eyebrow in curiosity. “Any other competitors I should be aware of then?”
Max pretended to consider the question, then shook her head. “Considering he picked Moses, Gwen, and Lucas… I think you’re safe.”
Safi gasped, laying hand over her chest in mock offense. “So I didn’t make the list?”
“You were dead as far as he knew.”
“Sure, sure, but I’m alive now, right?” She leaned in closer, eyes sparkling with a teasing glint as she rested a hand on one of Max’s knees. Her voice dropped down to a low whisper. “So, Max Caulfield, am I a smash or pass?”
“I-“ Max stuttered, the blush spreading to her neck. Something deep inside Safi’s brain preened in self-satisfaction. Unable to resist any longer, she closed the remaining gap.
A profound craving settled In Safi’s belly.
She was too far.
She pulled max closer, capturing her lower lip between her own and sucking gently, hungrily swallowing the resulting moan. Safi tilted her head and deepened the kiss. Her hands slid down to Max’s waist and with a quick move, lifted her up and carefully set her down on her lap, knees on each side of her body. Max readjusted slightly, holding onto Safi’s shoulder with an iron grip in an effort to keep her balance. She pressed harder against Safi’s body in a futile attempt to get closer, tipping her head back when Safi started trailing kisses along her jawline and down her neck.
Their thoughts blurred together in a haze of lust and longing when a noise broke the silence. A muffled ‘Jesus Christ’ reached their ears and the patio door opened a moment later to reveal a mildly exasperated Amanda.
“Hey, so, I know I’m the one who told you guys to take your time, very happy for you by the way, but if you start fucking in the back of my bar I’m gonna have to ask you to move this somewhere else. Sorry, close friend privileges only go so far.”
Max covered her face with a hand, avoiding her friend’s eyes. “Of course. Sorry, Amanda. We’re done talking anyway.”
“I noticed,” Amanda said, amusement coloring her tone. “Come on, hurry up and the first round is on me.”
Safi sent the bartender a thumbs up as she retreated back inside. Max groaned and climbed off Safi’s lap, holding out a hand for her. Safi grabbed it and rose up to her feet, placing a quick kiss on Max’s lips before dusting off her clothes.
“Any bets on how long it’s gonna take before the whole campus knows? We could be the next stars of Loretta’s podcast, you never know.”
“I don’t think she covers those sorts of things, but… don’t speak that into existence, please.” Max muttered.
They fell into a comfortable silence before Max broke it again, already making her way towards the bar’s back entrance.
“So, I’m your dashing hero?” Max teased.
Safi sighed theatrically, following close behind. “You write one love poem for a girl and it immediately goes to her head.”
You rescued me from the rocks
Then chained me to them
You made me feel alive and I know
I love you
(I do)
I love you