Chapter Text
« How are you feeling today, Nina? » Her doctor’s eyes were soft and kind but firm, seeking the truth inside her.
Small. So small. Today was the first day of her new life, and she felt like a child again. Like the first time she went to school. Like the night she slept over at her best friend’s without her brother and felt so alone. Like the time her dad took off the training wheels of her bike. So unsure. She was a little kid again. She was twenty-five but feeling like ten.
She was terrified, that’s the truth. She waited three months for this day, but now that it was finally there, she wished she could stop time just to catch her breath. She was not ready. The world outside was too hard for her to face, she learned that all her life. She was not made for it, and as much as she tried, every time she felt like drowning.
« I’m okay, I guess. » She said softly, playing with a thread of the green couch.
She was trying to look anywhere but Dr Sheen’s face. The sun outside was soft but bright enough, like an invitation for a new life. Some parts of her brain that didn’t believe in happiness kept telling her this was a trap, that as soon as she was going to step outside, the rain would come pouring down on her. But the sky was an immaculate blue, not a cloud in sight. Maybe it wasn’t a trap. The morning birds chirped some melody, it made her feel comfortable and safe. She wondered if the birds sang in the city too. It was something she could miss a lot.
The sound of a pen lightly brushing against the paper made her look back inside. She hated this. She felt locked outside of her own mind when he did that. Dr Sheen saw things she never knew were there, and he kept it all for himself until she saw them too. It took a lot of time for her to understand some things he got on the first day he met her.
Even today, she was aware that whatever she said didn’t matter. He saw the fear in her eyes, he heard her voice shaking. He knew she was petrified.
« You are leaving today. It’s a big thing, I understand that. It’s ok to be scared. » He said, trying to reassure her.
She wasn’t so sure about that. What if she said how scared she was and Dr Sheen decided that she wasn’t ready anymore. It didn’t help that she had no idea if she wanted to leave or stay. Again, she was petrified, unable to choose. Dr Sheen waited patiently, trying to lock his eyes onto hers. She did everything not to, like always. It was something he was not able to work on in the three months she was here, she always avoided eye contact. Nina was convinced he didn’t try so hard to change this. They made a lot of progress together on a lot of things and looking into each other’s eyes was not the priority when Nina came in.
« What if I don’t want to leave anymore? » She asked, almost whispering.
« Well, I would say it’s surprising since three months ago you didn’t want to be here in the first place. I remember you telling me you didn’t belong here even when you were the one asking to be here. » Dr Sheen said, smiling.
« Yeah, that was probably the drugs talking, Doctor. I didn’t make a lot of sense most of the time. » She let out a small laugh. Dr Sheen looked fondly at her, not saying anything. « I am not sure whatever I said back then is something we can take for granted. »
« Do you trust me? » He asked without commenting on what she had just said.
« It would be sad if I said no. »
« That’s true. » He laughed with her. « I need you to trust me a little bit more. I know this is terrifying, I’ve seen it before. You’re not the first person who’s scared of leaving after months of being here. » She looked quickly at him, still playing with the thread of the couch. « Nina, you’re ready. You can’t stay here, life outside is waiting for you. I need you to trust me when I tell you you’re strong enough for this. »
« What if I’m not? » She wanted to believe him but she also knew herself. She stopped counting how many times she had claimed to be clean a long time ago. « What if I relapse? Again. » She wiped her cheeks as some tears escaped her eyes.
« All the times you relapsed, you were alone and didn’t go to rehab, you decided to get clean by yourself this was brave but also really risky with heroin. This is different. You’re leaving but I am still here. This is not the last time we see each other. You are not alone, Nina. » Dr Sheen talked slowly, like he wanted her to hear every word.
She wanted to interject once more but when she raised her eyes to meet his she didn’t say anything. Dr Sheen was a tall man with hair turning grey and a beard framing his face. His eyes were the softest blue that made everyone feel seen. His smile invited people to talk without the fear of being judged. His voice was gentle and firm enough to make people listen. Nina remembered the first time she saw him, he made her feel like everything could be fine for once. He belonged here. Helping people was his vocation and it was all over his face. He was a good man. Right now he looked at her with care, he tried to convince her through his eyes that she was ready.
She looked at the papers sitting between them on the coffee table. There was a pen on top of it, waiting to be used. The papers needed two signatures. Dr Sheen had already signed, he trusted Nina fully and knew she was ready. The missing signature was hers. She needed to sign to be able to leave the rehab centre, needed to consent to being thrown back into the world since she had come in voluntarily.
« Is he really coming? » She asked, her eyes closed.
« Your brother? Of course he is. I called him last week, he is going to be here. Don’t worry about that. » Dr Sheen said with a hand gesture like he didn’t even want to waste time on this subject.
But as she looked over at her bag sitting by the door, she worried. A lot. During her three months in the centre, she called her brother only once, the first day. She told him she was going to rehab for at least three months and that she loved him. That was it. It was not like she didn’t want to call him more, it was the opposite even, but she needed to stay confined if she wanted to get better. She had to focus only on herself. Any distractions could stop her from healing, and she knew it.
It was hard being separated from her brother for so long. They were twins, they needed each other, at least she did. And during her fight against addiction, she thought about him every day, to keep fighting against it, against herself. Every time she looked in the mirror, she saw him in her, and it made it easier. She didn’t do this for herself, it was for him.
Iann had blue eyes with a little bit of brown in his right eye, and she had a little bit of blue in her brown left eye. He was always with her. And this little speck of blue inside the dark brown of her eyes reminded her every day why she was doing it. This light inside her dark life. It made her hold on, made it all worth it. Even their names were intertwined as a reminder that they weren’t alone. When she felt like she wanted to quit everything, the only thing she needed to do was to look in the mirror, and she would see the hope of feeling better, of being a better sister for him.
« I would understand if he didn’t come. » She shrugged.
She lied. She stole. She broke promises. That was what being an addict was for her. Betraying the person she loved the most, over and over again. She hated herself for that, but the drugs changed her into someone no one could trust. She hoped the bond her and her twin had was not lost and could be salvaged.
« He will, and he wants you to stay at his place. Not to check on you. » The doctor added quickly when he saw the hurt in Nina’s eyes. « Just to be with you. He misses you, he is your twin. »
And if there was one thing she needed to be true, it was this. That her brother was still her brother. That the drugs didn’t destroy everything in their way.
« Take the shot. I am not forcing you, you have the choice to stay a little bit longer, but you’re ready for your life. I know you are. »
And so, with trembling hands and a shaky breath, she bent over and took the pen. She felt the caring smile of her doctor on her, and it gave her the strength to sign for her freedom. The hope of never coming back in her head.
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She stepped outside, followed by Dr Sheen. The sun caressed her skin. It felt new. She looked back at the building behind her, it was huge and cold but it was her home for the past three months and she was weirdly sad leaving all of it behind. She said her goodbyes to the friends she had made, still inside, still struggling with their issues. It wasn’t a good feeling leaving this place alone. She knew they could do it because if she did, why not them? She thought she was a desperate case but there she was today, apparently strong enough for life. She believed in them and looked forward to the day they were ready like she was.
She felt the arms of her doctor around her. She was not usually a fan of being touched by random people, but he wasn’t just any man. He was the one who helped her face her demons and heal. He let go quickly enough, he knew her. He just needed to show her one more time that he was still there for her.
« You got it, Nina. I know you do. And remember, you can still call me every hour of any day if something happens. » She nodded at her doctor. « Also, the group I referred you to is really nice. Carl is a good man, a real good listener. »
« Thank you, for everything. » She said softly.
He dismissed her with a hand gesture like he didn’t do much. He had only saved her life.
She turned around and saw Iann in the parking lot, waiting patiently outside his car. Tears were slowly growing in her eyes already. Dr Sheen pushed her gently, his eyes glistening with pride. She took her bag and walked towards her brother. He had come even after everything she had done.
She let her bag down midway where Iann met her, his arms wide open ready to catch her. Nina fell onto him, burying her face in his shirt, breathing him in like she was finally taking her breath after holding it for the past three months. He was holding her tight just to be sure she was there and couldn’t disappear again.
« You’re here. You came. You still came. » She cried against him.
« Oh my god, yes, of course I’m here. » He said, holding her tighter. « I’m always here. Never doubt that, please. »
They hugged for a long time. Both of them needed it. When they broke off the hug, they looked into each other’s eyes without a word, they didn’t need any. They were one again. Iann saw her eyes so clear for the first time in a long time it filled him with pride towards her sister. He knew the fight was far from over but today he saw a strength in her he never saw before. And Nina saw the light. Those blue eyes which had helped her when she felt alone. Finally, she saw them for real, not just a speck in her own. She cried a little bit more because for a moment, she truly believed she could do it. Stay clean and start living her life.
She could do it.