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She decided to leave the country on a Monday; Brennan could pinpoint the exact moment she knew she had to go. She had stood outside Booth’s office and watched as he talked to—flirted with—the marine biologist. Then Booth had glanced up and seen her, and his expression had gone uncertain and sad, and Brennan had known.
Booth had to move on, but he couldn’t move on with her still around. So, she would leave, because the only thing that hurt more than losing Booth was the idea that she would keep him from the thing he wanted most.
Some people got to be in families; she wasn’t one of them.
Brennan tried to shove her emotions down as ruthlessly as she shoved jeans into her canvas duffle bag. She wouldn’t need anything fancy—jeans and t-shirts and tank-tops. It was a dig site; no one there would care what she wore, unlike the families of victims, or juries, or attorneys.
She could do this; she could walk away. Everyone else in her life had made it look so easy.
When the knock on her door came, Brennan assumed it was the cab driver, and she stared helplessly at her half-packed bag. She ran to the door, pulling it open breathlessly, planning to ask for just a few more minutes, only to gape at Angela on the other side.
“I told you I was going to call a cab,” Brennan finally said.
Angela brushed past her easily. “I know, and I sent him away.”
“Why?” Brennan’s chest hurt. It hadn’t stopped hurting since she told Booth no, told him that she couldn’t be trusted with his heart. “You know I’m leaving to go to Panama. There are—”
Angela held a hand, implacable in that way only Angela could be. “You might be able to tell everybody else that, and maybe you can be convincing, but this is me.”
“There’s a mass grave there.” Brennan repeated the same explanation she had given everyone. Her students had accepted it; Cam had given her the time off with a look that said knew exactly why Brennan was running. Hodgins hadn’t said much at all, only that he’d miss her and solving murders, and that it was boring without her around.
The truth was that she hadn’t wanted to talk to Angela, because Angela would know.
Brennan took a deep breath and steeled herself. “There are victims who need me to identify them. This is what I do, Ang.”
“No, this is you running away,” Angela replied, plopping down on the couch. “So, spill. Why are you leaving? Why now? Does it have something to do with Booth and that doctor chick? Because if it does, I could totally kick her ass.”
Brennan smiled unwillingly. “I’m sure you could, and it—I can’t be here.” The words came out before she could stop them. “Booth needs to move on, and I can’t be here when he does.”
“So stay,” Angel coaxed. “I still don’t understand why you can’t just stay. Booth laid his heart out there for you. I know you love him.”
Brennan shook her head. “I don’t—that’s not who I am. I can’t be what he needs.”
And there it was—the truth of the matter. She and Booth were too different, and losing him would hurt too much.
“He doesn’t need you to be anything.” Angela was giving her that look—the look that said “Brennan, you’re an idiot.” And Brennan knew she wasn’t good at this; she wasn’t good at the relationship stuff, not like Angela—not like Booth. “He just needs you.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Brennan replied, because she was certain of this much anyway. “I have a flight, I have to finish packing.”
“Bren, if you leave now, you’re going to lose him,” Angela warned her. “He’ll move on while you’re gone, because you’re gone.”
Brennan squared her shoulders. “I know. That’s the point.”
“Bren!” Angela followed her back to her bedroom. “Look, I’ll tell you something I’ve never told anyone else—I shouldn’t have let Hodgins walk away. I loved him. I still love him. And every day I remember that I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me because I was too scared to stay.”
Brennan shook her head and focused on packing again, but Angela grabbed her shoulders and gave her a little shake. “You are the bravest, smartest person I’ve ever known, but what you don’t understand right now is that sometimes you have to risk everything just to keep what you’ve got.”
“I can’t lose him,” Brennan replied. “I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can, but you won’t.” Angela squeezed her shoulders. “You won’t. Be brave and smart, Bren. I promise you, it will be worth it.”
Brennan felt as though she was standing at the edge of a precipice; she couldn’t go forward for fear of falling, and yet she couldn’t go back either.
Angela pulled her close. “Stay.”
She took a deep breath. “Okay.”
~~~~~
Her palms were damp when she knocked on Booth’s door, and she shoved her hands into her pockets, curling them into fists. When Booth opened the door, Brennan breathed a sigh of relief; she didn’t think she’d be able to get her nerve up for this a second try.
Booth opened the door, dressed casually in one of his threadbare t-shirts and a ratty pair of jeans. He frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to be flying to Guatemala?”
“Panama,” she corrected. “Can I come in? Is this a bad time?”
Booth hesitated a bit, then stepped aside to let her enter. “No, it’s not a bad time. What’s up, Bones?”
They were awkward around each other now, which had been exactly what Brennan hadn’t wanted. She was too afraid to lose this, to lose him, but Angela had been right. She could lose him by leaving, or by trying and failing, but she couldn’t hope for everything to stay the same.
It was one of the imperatives of nature—adapt or die. She’d thought she couldn’t change, but maybe, for Booth, she could.
“I—I’m not going to Panama. Angela came to see me, and she convinced me—she explained some things to me.” Brennan looked around a little desperately. “Can I sit down?”
“Sure.” Booth waved her over to the couch. “Do you want something to drink?”
“No. No, I don’t—I just need to tell you something.”
“Okay.” Booth sat down next to her, and his eyes were so gentle that she had to look away. “Say whatever you have to say, Bones.”
“I’m not good at this,” she blurted out. “Not like you. And I thought—I thought if we stayed the same, that would be better, because I didn’t want to lose you.”
“Bones, hey, you’re not going to lose me.”
“But I will. Because you have to move on.” She took a deep breath. “I thought, if I left, you could do that. Move on.”
She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t see the expression on his face. Brennan couldn’t see how she’d hurt him. “But I realized—Angela made me realize—that I can’t live without you either.”
“Bones.” His hand cupped her cheek, and Brennan blinked rapidly. “You don’t have to.”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Neither do I.” His thumb stroked her cheekbone. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course. You know I do.”
“Then trust me when I tell you that we’re going to be good.”
She sniffed. “You can’t know that.”
“I know it just like you know the sun is going to come up tomorrow.” Booth smiled. “So, you’re saying yes this time?”
Brennan didn’t think she’d ever been so scared in her life. “Yes.”
“And you’re staying?”
“Yes.” She tried to smile. “I can’t make any promises.”
“Just say you’ll try.”
“I can do that.”
Even if that was all she could do, Brennan could try, because Booth was the one thing she didn’t think she could live without.