Chapter Text
For as long as Ryoba Aishi could remember, she always felt empty, hollow, and incomplete inside herself. Satisfaction, anxiety, jealousy, rage... emotions weren't readily available to her. Ever since her childhood, she didn't have the ability to truly feel like the peers around her. Didn't have the ability to experience emotions like her classmates, school teachers, even some of the bullies she's met throughout the years. No sense of accomplishment or pride for completing something. No sense of gratitude when something was done for her. The pieces weren't there. Something was missing, and for every day of her life, she felt it.
And for every day of her life, she dreamt a specific dream. Without fail, over and over again. In this dream, she'd meet a boy, start a family with her future husband, and live happily ever after with her child. A beautiful child. She had a feeling, no, she predicted that this dream was showing her the future of her life. The same dream, every time when she went to bed? That wasn't a coincidence. It was fate. Then once she woke up, every day she had to fantasize what it would be like to meet the boy of her dreams. Then to create the ultimate declaration of love, a child... it was like a movie, a movie that she'd buy the tickets to a thousand times over.
So, from elementary school to middle, she wondered when she meet that boy. Her knight in shining armour. Her king. Her supposed everything.
But he didn't come then.
She waited, from middle school to high school, she hoped that she'd meet him.
But he didn't come then.
From middle school to the beginning of her academy years at Akademi Academy, she waited, silently begging, for her to find him, or for him to find her.
But he didn't come then.
Ryoba couldn't help but feel rather confused. Or, at least her equivalent of confusion. Why had she not found her knight? Was her knight supposed to find him? Why has it not happened now? Her mother, grandmother, practically all of her ancestors had found their darlings at her age. Why hasn't she? Was she a failure? Was something wrong with her genetics? Was she not looking correctly? This revelation made her feel even more empty than how she already was. Was she ever going to find love?
Ryoba wasn't unpopular in the academy. She was probably one of the more well-known girls. Due to her beauty, she was able to pose with Chigusa Busujima, the de-facto queen bee of the school. So she definitely had at least the slightest bit of following. But not one boy who liked her was the one. Not one boy intrigued her, or set her heart alight. There wasn't a worthy candidate among the masses, and that felt almost impossible to her.
Ryoba thought back to her family. She was in her second year in Akademi, and her ancestors all found the one by now. The pressure that she might feel from her family for not finding the one might prove too annoying with their silent judging and gazes (especially her sleazeball of a mother), so Ryoba decided to fake it. Fake falling in love, fake finding the one for now. Ryoba spectated her admirers, and found the least boring one.
Jokichi Yudasei.
He was the flirtatious type. Ryoba could tell that he had charisma, it was enough to capture heart of any young woman. Any young woman that wasn't her. He gave off the aura of being a playboy, a ladies' man, so Ryoba assumed that he knew his way around a woman. This seemed, or rather he seemed, to be the path of least resistance. Like lightning finding where to strike. He seemed to be looking for the one, as well. In a way, the two of them could relate. Both looking for that one specific person.
So Ryoba put on her act, the act of having emotion. Responding to Jokichi's flirts with risque innuendos of her own. Whatever vibe Jokichi emitted to her, she emitted back.
Before long, Jokichi was infatuated with her. And for those who noticed, it seemed like Ryoba was infatuated with him. This couldn't be further from the truth. But for anyone who did care, the pair did seem like a power couple who always were around each other.
The years in Akademi passed by lightning quick for Jokichi, as he thought he found the one, his soulmate. The woman that he'd spend the rest of his life with. The years weren't as kind to Ryoba, however. Still the monotonous grey that she has lived in for all her life. Nothing she did with Jokichi was memorable to her, as she just viewed it as something that was... necessary. Mandatory, perhaps. The years were gruelling, and it gave Ryoba little relief to be away from the academy.
Now, it was 1990. A year removed from their academy years, and the pair were both 19. Once Ryoba finished her education, her family members moved out of the house, leaving just her and Jokichi. In all honesty, she would've preferred to keep them here cause she had no interest in this boy. But it would've gotten too crowded, anyway. The house was no longer cluttered and littered with the personal belongings of several family members. Now, it was clean and functional. Beige walls, decently thick doors. Shoes by the genkan. Jackets hung neatly by the door. Dishes washed immediately after meals. Nothing out of place.
It didn't take long for Jokichi to find a job. He didn't stand out. Regular hours, regular pay. Regular expectations, regular life. A now regular morning ritual for Ryoba and Jokichi was to share a quick kiss before he left, then once he got back home they'd share a deeper, slightly more intimate kiss as a sort of "you're home safe" reward. But every time she pressed her lips against his, the spark that she saw in her dreams never came closer, never felt warmer. She felt nothing when he left. She felt nothing when he came back.
But since Ryoba was a stay-at-home girlfriend for the time being, her days grew even more quiet than they were before. Ryoba's day usually consisted of: wake up, cook her darling breakfast, prepare him a bento for lunch. Kiss him goodbye. Then on her lonesome, she simply looked after the house. If there was nothing that needed to be done, she'd stay inside and read manga. When she was out of manga to read, she'd play video games. Only to pass the time. She had a part-time job at the maid cafe, but she really only went to work when she needed money. And when Jokichi was the breadwinner, what was the point? Especially since they were doing fine on his salary alone. It did help that they didn't live extravagant lifestyles.
Their neighbours would greet her politely. She'd return the favour, bowing, smiling, exchanging pleasantries. Conversing in the topics that they brought up, she was never one to speak first. Sales at the stores, television programs... marriage and children. The sweet old couple living across from her always asked about that, as much as it annoyed her. Then when Jokichi got home, tired after the work day, they'd eat together at the dinner table. Jokichi would talk about his day and his coworkers, Ryoba would talk about how boring hers was, "wishing" that he could stay home with her. She laughed when he laughed. She mirrored his emotions without fail.
After a couple weeks, Ryoba noticed a change. When they were done eating dinner and have showered, getting ready for bed, sometimes Jokichi would hold her tighter than normal in his arms. Like something was on his mind. When they laid next to each other in the dark, occasionally he'd kiss her cheek or neck a few times, and each time Ryoba would have to playfully deflect with a "Oh, stop it you!"
Other nights, he'd be more serious. Talking about marriage, and the ultimate act of love. Conception... children. So this was the thing that was on his mind? Ryoba didn't give any of those things any thought at all. But to satisfy his thought and not leave him in the dark, she spoke back to him when he talked about children. Taking his hand and placing it on her flat stomach, saying that she obviously wants one someday, saying that she was already thinking of a wonderful name to give to their son or daughter. The gaze Jokichi gave to her lightened up as he heard her response.
He thought that she reciprocated his feelings, if not mirroring them exactly. It seemed that their neighbours have rubbed off on him. The talk about a child didn't exactly last long, as the both of them knew they were going to have one someday. But they weren't even married yet... Ryoba did not know how much Jokichi would accelerate the process into becoming husband and wife.
In the days after that night, Ryoba noticed that he was coming home late, and sometimes even later. Ryoba had not cared but she was still slightly curious. His dinner's grew colder the later he arrived, but it didn't matter for him. He would just microwave his food and eat next to Ryoba like before. Each time he arrived late, he would apologize, and every time they kissed his exhaustion seemed to leak into Ryoba.
The word "overtime" escaped his lips as Ryoba asked him why he was coming home so late. The chance to earn more, the opportunity for his supervisor to notice his heightened dedication. Ryoba just told him it was fine, it didn't make a difference to her either way.
Then on the weekends, instead of lounging home, he left the house early just working on small odd jobs. Just temporary work that would earn him a small bundle of cash. Jokichi brushed it off with a smile, assuring her it was nothing to worry about. That it would all be worth it soon. Ryoba watched him put aside each carefully earned yen, looking at how it would all come to fruition in the coming weeks, perhaps months. He told her that it would be an extravagant ring, and they wouldn't need a ceremony for it. They have each other, and that's all they needed... just private paperwork, and the two lovebirds would be bound until death parts them.
"It sounds... perfect, darling." Ryoba gave him a smile, the exact words that he wanted to hear. A ceremony would've cost more money and made a big deal about the two of them, so she felt relieved she wouldn't have to go through that.
His proposal to her happened quietly, as there was no buildup Ryoba could sense. Before today, Ryoba wouldn't have known if it would have happened tomorrow or years from now. Simply, Jokichi just came home earlier than the new normal that evening. She could sense that Jokichi was a bit strained. He washed his hands more thoroughly, and explicitly made sure not to touch anything dirty, as if he was a germophobe.
Dinner passed with little conversation. Jokichi stared at his food, not even playing with it or pushing it around with his utensils. He did give Ryoba the usual thanks for cooking something so delicious, but he wasn't proving anything by eating. It didn't exactly make a difference to Ryoba. After she finished her food, that's when he finally spoke beyond the usual topics.
"Ryoba..." Jokichi looked up at her, into her eyes. He said her name carefully and slowly, almost as if to catch his breath.
"Yes, darling?" Ryoba gave him a neutral smile.
"..." Jokichi walked over to the coat hanger, retrieving something from his jacket pocket. It was a small box... plain and unassuming. He held it in one hand tight, as if he was afraid it might vanish in his hands. "For months," Jokichi stated, "I've been saving up for this. Saving up... for us. This is the reason why I started coming home so late..."
Ryoba stayed silent. She immediately knew what this was about, but she decided to play coy and not know what he meant. A muted smile on her face, only humming as a response to his words.
"I'm sorry that I've been away from home for so long... for being so tired, for leaving you alone." His voice trembled slightly, wavering emotions leaking through his throat. Deftly, his other hand opened the top of the box, kneeling as he did so... and in it, revealed a modest, tasteful ring. Chosen through devotion.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Ryoba... so will you marry me? Please?" The look in his eyes was almost pleading.
For a second, maybe two, Ryoba stayed still. Staring at him, then the ring in the box. Then a slow, crocodile tear leaked from a tear duct, trailing down her cheek.
"Yes... yes of course I want to marry you, darling." She took Jokichi's hand, helping him up. And gave a cold kiss that was only expectant of her, not desired from her. Ryoba let her soon to be husband put the ring on her finger, and it was a perfect fit. He must have paid attention. She met his eyes and smiled, the same practised smile.
A nervous chuckle soon bubbled into a joyful, grateful, almost breathless laugh. Jokichi pulled Ryoba into an embrace that was lasted longer than usual. His voice became more excited, as he started to talk about the next steps like filling out the paperwork, the dates, and how simple everything would be. There didn't need to be a ceremony or an audience, just the two of them.
"Thank you, Ryoba." Tears started to leak down his eyes, real ones in contrast to hers. His voice trembled even more than before. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."
"Of course, darling..." Ryoba noticed that some of his tears got on to her sundress. A bit of an inconvenience.
As Jokichi did say, there was no ceremony. The weeks went by, like they always have. But to the few observers of their relationship, there was a small personality shift. The married couple started being all cutesy with each other, calling their spouses pet names like darling, sweetie, honey, sweetheart. They were in love before, but they seemed to be obsessed with each other now.
Jokichi was most definitely more happy after his proposal. So happy, in fact, he took Ryoba's last name instead of Ryoba taking his. On the weekends, he would sometimes hang out with his coworkers and treat them as friends instead of just colleagues. One weekend, to celebrate his new beginning, his now friends took him out to drink.
After that weekend, Ryoba noticed that he started to be a bit more attentive to her. Her needs, her desires (of which she didn't have many). Making sure that she ate her food or asking her if she was tired. Embracing her tightly at night to make sure she doesn't get cold. It was a while before Ryoba noticed a pattern aligning, or misaligning within herself.
Her body didn't feel any different, there wasn't any nausea or fatigue. If anything she felt sharper and more alert. Due to how attentive Jokichi has been lately, he worried about her. Also wondering if they did it...
Not quite meeting her eyes, Jokichi mentioned it at the dinner table. "Maybe we should check? Just in case, right?"
"Hmm... of course, darling." There was no reason not to agree. Jokichi then left the house and went to the nearest store that had a test, his stride going from measured and slow to brisk and hastened by the time he walked three blocks.
By the time he came back home he was slightly panting, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. A small yet familiar sight. He immediately gave the package to Ryoba, then waited outside the bathroom door, catching his breath. It didn't take too long for Ryoba to leave the bathroom, afterwards she handed the test to him.
Positive.
Jokichi couldn't believe his eyes. What?! Was he in a dream? For what seemed like an eternity to him, he stood still. Frozen.
"R-really?!" He could only muster. Ryoba just smiled, her dull eyes telling the story of her life. She wondered why Jokichi never noticed them.
He then laughed sharply, before covering his mouth. "But-but are you sure though? Like, this is happening?!"
"Yes, darling."
Jokichi hugged his wife. It was tight and sudden, lifting her off the floor before apologizing repeatedly for doing that, harming the now two of them.
"I'll be careful, I'm so sorry," he apologized again. "I swear, I'll take care of the both of you." Ryoba absorbed his words without comment, only planting an empty kiss on his cheek. What a gullible man.
The pregnancy methodically set into her life, like many things before it. Visits to a doctor, and the suggested nutritional adjustments she'd need to make. And each time she went, Jokichi accompanied her. Asking the questions that she would've never thought to ask herself. Jokichi learned things that she wouldn't have cared to memorize.
Her body changed gradually. She noted the swelling of her abdomen with a detached fascination, tracing her stomach and the curve in the mirror. For some reason, there was a sense of warmth when she did this. More than anything she did with Jokichi.
The first time she felt a kick, it made her pause. Not an analytical or methodical pause, but a pause where she was actually caught by surprise. Her hand rested over her stomach, waiting. Was that a fluke?
It wasn't. It happened again. Her heart skipped a beat or two, but only beating faster by a slight minutiae. Small enough that Ryoba couldn't notice through her anticipation.
A faint flutter, purposeful then happened. She was so focused on what was happening below her that she didn't even care to tell her husband. It was only when he noticed her standing, looking down at her stomach did he connect the dots, shedding a few tears as he did so.
Ryoba's dreams didn't change. Even as the months went by, and as her body became a victim of changes, she wondered why the boy in her dreams wasn't by her side. Was she yet to find him, or him yet to find her? There was no answer that she could find.
The final weeks of her pregnancy got uncomfortable. Then painful. Then exhausting in ways that Ryoba began to view beyond just inefficient. Sleep came to her in fragments, and Jokichi was by her side every time she woke up. He was torn between the anxiety of her pain and the respect he showed to Ryoba for being a powerful woman.
The labour began at night. Jokichi panicked more than she did once he heard her wails. He leaped out of bed and ran towards the coat hanger, grabbing their jackets. He almost dropped the keys to the car twice! He brought her coat and put it around her shoulders, helping her into the back seat. Jokichi started the car and began driving as fast yet as careful as down the streets, in order to get to the hospital in one piece. His eyes couldn't help but nervously look in the rear-view mirror, gritting his teeth at the pain Ryoba was going through.
And the pain to her... was different. There wasn't many times where Ryoba had felt pain in her life. Nor could she remember suffering in any way. This time, it felt that it was both happening to her, and within her. Pain wasn't an abstract concept, and that became more prevalent the minute she hit the hospital bed.
Jokichi never let go of her hand, even in the transition from the car to the hospital bed. Running along side the nurses wheeling her to wherever, he didn't care where they had to go. As long as she was by his side.
In the operation room, Ryoba diligently followed the instructions of the doctor operating on her. Breathing when she was told to breathe, pushing when she was told to push. Suddenly, things around her felt exaggerated. The lights were too bright. The bed was too narrow. Voices around her came and went, asking her questions that she at least had the automacy to answer. Her cries felt like nails on chalkboard.
When everything was over, and she gave one last, desperate push, she almost passed out. Dark circles formed under her eyes, a feeling of exhaustion that was unfamiliar to her. Jokichi could feel the strength in her hand wane as her head fell back... his grip also fell as he saw the result of her efforts.
Their child.
Their baby girl.
The feelings and vibes in the room shifted immensely. She could hear the crying of her husband, open and laughing through it. Not caring about anything about the family in front of him. Thanking both the doctor, and her as if a miracle was performed. But the thin breathing of her daughter cut through the loud cries of her husband. The sound cut through everything else in the room. Ryoba felt like she was in a soliloquy. She felt confused... why was she feeling so different now? Why could she only hear her newborn?
The baby was softly placed into her arms, against her chest. Ryoba lifted her head with the little strength she had, and looked downwards to their child. Her face was red, unfamiliar. Her eyes were squeezed shut. She watched the baby breathe. Ryoba's eyes slowly widened. For an unexplainable reason, in this moment, this precise second, everything that felt missing to her... came to her all at once. Ryoba didn't see everything in a variance of grey anymore. Nothing felt muted to her anymore.
She saw colours, vibrant colours, flooding her vision. She could feel the blanket covering her legs. Providing heat for her, along with the heating in the operating room. The room didn't feel cold, Ryoba didn't feel cold. She could feel her fingers warm up as she held her baby. At last, Ryoba finally felt fulfilled. Complete. The powerful emotions stirring through her, were dormant all her life. Here she was, twenty years old. Finally she can be normal. She felt overwhelmed with euphoria. Ryoba made this? Ryoba made...
"Ayano..." Ryoba muttered under her breath, tears beginning to ebb from her eyes. Real tears.
She felt Jokichi's arms wrap around her and Ayano, careful not to crush their newborn. For the first time ever since they met in Akademi, Ryoba was grateful he was her husband. She appreciated the herculean efforts he went through to make sure that she was living comfortably during pregnancy.
"Ayano." Jokichi said, under his breath. Into Ryoba's ear. His voice... she finally felt more than "neutral" to it. A stirring sense of love emanated from her heart as she heard his voice. No longer was he a means to an end. He was finally hers. Unconsciously, one of her hands held Jokichi's arm. Still weak, but full of an emotion that wasn't there before.
They made her.
They made Ayano Aishi.
Born April 1st, 1991. 1:14 AM.
