Chapter Text
Inko’s leg bounces erratically in the hospital waiting room. She glances anxiously at the clock, not even a minute has passed since the last time she looked. From the corner of her vision, she can see nurses and strangers whispering, their gaze fixed at her, and their faces full of pity. Her heart clenches. Part of her wants to scream at them, to shun them and humiliate them for— for— anything! They don’t understand. The anger and the pain she feels is raw and and she doesn’t know where to direct it because the longer she holds it in, the longer it—
Her phone buzzes.
Inko frantically reaches for it and picks it up. The moment she answers, the voice on the other side—
“Mrs. Midoriya? You called me—”
“Thirty-three times!” she exclaims, finally letting her voice raise and her emotions pile out. Tired of keeping it in, sobs escape her body at a fast pace, the nurses nearby finally starting to take action.
“Mrs. Midoriya?” Aizawa Shouta, Izuku’s homeroom teacher, asks on the other end, “did something happen?”
Inko tries to respond, but all that comes out are broken cries. She collapses onto the ground, the white hospital flooring reminding her of her own white tiled bathroom. The one where she found—
“No—!” she wails, rocking herself at an unstable rate. The nurses circle around her, trying to soothe her and help her calm down, but it was no use. Inko felt broken. Amidst the chaos, one of the nurses notices Inko’s phone, which had dropped by her side, and picks it up.
“Hello?” she asks, putting the phone to her ear.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?” the man on the other end says. The nurse quickly explains what is happening with Inko, only touching the surface.
“She’s at Musutafu General? Is she injured?”
“No sir, she is in the waiting area for her son.”
“For— for— wait.”
He goes silent for a second, then speaks up again.
“Midoriya Izuku, is he injured?”
She glances back at the poor woman, security now aiding the other nurses in calming her. She walks over to the front desk, asking her colleague for the papers regarding the woman’s— she gestures over to the area— son. She hands her the file, and after reading the patient's name, the nurse hands it back. “Yes. And if you don’t mind me asking, what is your relation to the two?”
“Midoriya Izuku is my student. I’m his homeroom teacher at U.A. and I have emergency custody. I’ll be heading over now.”
The man spares no second and hangs up, leaving the nurse feeling her own unique sense of uneasiness.
____
Shouta leaves his apartment at exactly 6:32am. He is dressed in his usual uniform, although he took no time in brushing his teeth or fixing his hair. None of that mattered, because his student, Midoriya, is in the hospital.
“Why is it always you…?” he mutters under his breath, although it doesn’t phase him anymore.
After getting in one of U.A.’s staff cars and speeding out of the area, he couldn’t help the nauseating anxiety that began creeping its way throughout his body. His students get injured all the time, it’s not an uncommon event. Especially with Midoriya. But this time there was no hero present, no call, no incident report, just his mother frantically calling him throughout the hours of the night, the one night Shouta sleeps through.
Shouta wants to blame himself, even though he doesn’t know what happened. He knows it isn’t his fault, even if he did sign the papers to let Midoriya visit home for the weekend.
He scoffs himself, it’s not the time to gloat around, Shouta.
He breaks several traffic laws getting to the hospital, but it doesn’t matter to him. What matters is making sure his student is okay. He knows that he’ll get all the information he needs when he arrives, but it really irritates him that he didn’t take a second longer to ask what had happened. Was he attacked by a villain? Did he accidentally injure himself? Or rather, he probably put himself in danger. That seems like the most Midoriya–like scenario.
As he pulls into the hospital parking lot, he thinks back to Midoriya’s mother. From what he knows about the woman, she has a really sensitive heart when it comes to her kid. Shouta doesn’t blame her, considering how many gray hairs the kid has given him since the beginning of the year. But Shouta also knows that because of that, she tends to overreact to smaller incidents. So, Shouta lets himself cling onto that hope as he rushes into the building, hoping that his student is okay.
____
Turns out, his student isn’t okay. And it seems that he never was.
____
One week before the incident
Izuku felt like he was fading away. Not for the first time, these feelings have always been there. But sometimes they just bubbled under the surface, only threatening to come up, but only just.
He should have known, really. It was bound to happen soon enough. He had gone long enough during his time at U.A. without feeling like his old self. Izuku always feels his old self— in the back of his mind, lingering. It’s the awful, miserable, and repetitive feeling that he’s been avoiding.
After the training camp, he heard the thoughts for the first time in a long time.
After nighteye died and they rescued Eri, the thoughts decided to become louder.
After failing another test. Upsetting his friends. Lacking in training.
He should have seen it coming, not even heroes can stay strong forever.
____
2 days before
9 days before the incident
Endeavor sent him, Todoroki, and Kacchan on separate missions. Human trafficking sites that needed to be taken down. Usually, they wouldn’t send hero students on missions like these, but they had a plan set. Endeavor and some other higher ranking heroes were assigned to the main hideout for this quirk experimentation and human trafficking organisation. The areas they sent their sidekicks and hero students were the smaller rings that didn’t hold as much danger but still held the same amount of importance.
Izuku was sent to a ring that was held in one of the more crowded areas of the city, somewhere where it’s easier to blend in. Endeavor called them team three. The information he was given explained the layout and the targets he’d need to know to succeed this mission. There wasn’t much else, as they didn’t have as much info on the smaller rings. But the target was simple; take down the criminals and save the civilians.
Kacchan and Todoroki were individually sent to the two other different areas that had to do with this organisation. Izuku ended up with a majority of Endeavor’s sidekicks and other lesser known heroes.
This mission was meant to be quick, hence why Endeavor split them up. According to their predictions, it should take no more than an hour to enter the premises and take them down upon arrival. There were innocent people being harmed and taken advantage of each second they wasted.
So, as Izuku and the other heroes found their way in, they were prepared to take down the sick villains and save those in need.
____
When Endeavor’s team finished their mission, an hour after arriving, as predicted, they were contacted by team three.
They had done their job— they had rescued the majority of the captured and arrested the majority of the criminals.
Majority.
A civilian was missing. A villain was missing.
And so was Midoriya Izuku.
____
Four hours later, after extensive searching and interrogation, they found the three missing’s. However, the only survivor out of the three was Midoriya Izuku.
____
6 days before the incident
Izuku was finally discharged from the hospital. Although, he still felt like he was trapped in that cold basement, surrounded by the body of who he was supposed to protect and the body of who he killed.
He had failed. He was ambushed, knocked out and hidden away. Normally, Izuku would never let himself get taken by surprise, but his body just… gave out. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that he had never seen such a scene before— naked people strapped on chairs, their flesh ripped open and their blood being drawn into buckets. It was… disturbing. It wasn’t like anything he had seen before, much less prepared for.
He found himself tied up and confined to a small basement closet next to a half-naked middle aged woman who had been trapped there upon Izuku’s arrival. Their captor, one of the masked traffickers, mocked the two before he began slicing open the woman in front of his very eyes. It was something Izuku could only describe as… pure insanity. Seeing the light dim from her eyes, Izuku snapped out of his dissociated–haze and struggled out of the restraints using his quirk. The villain most likely underestimated Izuku due to his young age, so he was completely unprepared for Izuku’s attack. He detroit–smashed the son of a bitch, intending to send him through the wall. But he didn’t expect the man to instead hit the wall at full–force, cracking his head straight open. Izuku remembers the feeling of realization: the wall didn’t break, somehow.
By the time he fully registered what just happened, the force of his body hitting the wall caused the woman restrained against the wall to swing slightly, spraying blood onto Izuku. It left him locked in that enclosed room with the bodies of those who were just alive. Unable to break the walls, Izuku fell defeated and withdrew himself in the opposite corner to the bodies.
They found him almost three hours later, the room hidden in a secret area that no one knew about since it wasn’t in the layout they were given. He laid there surrounded by blood and bodies, a distant expression on his face. His eyes were red and puffy from crying so much, and he suffered a concussion from the impact he faced when he was hit earlier.
At the end of the day, the incident was reported and broadcast on the news, but they left his name out of it. He wasn’t blamed for the death of the villain, as it wasn’t poor judgement on his end. The wall should have broken, anyone would have thought the same, but the individuals who constructed this hidden room built it directly surrounded by layers of concrete.
And, for all the public knows, the mission was a success despite there being a minor incident that occurred. His classmates were told about it though— minus Izuku's involvement in the villain’s death.
They discharged him because his concussion was mild and not something to keep him in a hospital for, and he lied through his teeth to convince them that he was fine. He really didn’t want to talk about what happened, and if he admitted he wasn’t okay, he’d have to. It’s easier that way, pretending that there is nothing that traumatized him so nobody has to worry about him.
But really, Izuku only feels that way because he knows he deserves to. Everyone is telling him not to blame himself, but it was Izuku who laid there and watched as the bodies slowly became colder and colder.
Because Izuku is a pathetic coward.
____
5 days before the incident
Izuku got two days off of school, courtesy of Mr. Aziawa and All Might. The raid was Friday, he was in the hospital up until Sunday, and he doesn’t have to attend classes until Wednesday. His friends have been smothering him with text messages, notes slid under his door, door conversations when they had the chance. Izuku has been trying his very best to put on his best performance and assure them that he’s fine. Unfortunately, he doesn’t think they believe him, and he knows that they just want him to talk about it, but that’s the last thing Izuku wants.
Izuku hasn’t left his room since he got back from the hospital last night. He hasn’t eaten, drank water, in the past 18 hours, and he hasn’t showered since before the incident. He knows that they wiped the blood off him, but the smell still lingers. Still, he cannot find it in himself to leave the room.
He knows that his classmates are at school and there will be nobody around if he leaves to go shower, but he feels bedridden by guilt. He feels like there are chains holding him down, or a weight on his chest, as if the bodies were piled on top of him. He doesn’t deserve to wash away the smell, because he needs to be reminded of what he failed.
____
4 days before the incident
Izuku still hasn’t left his room. That night, he had a nightmare so bad that he pissed himself, but that still wasn’t enough to drive him out. So, he tore off his clothes and sheets and threw them in his closet, flipped his mattress over, washed his inner thighs with a wet washcloth from his bathroom (while avoiding his reflection), and let himself drift in and out of consciousness while he laid naked on his bare mattress.
When he woke up, humiliation took over his thoughts. For twenty minutes straight, he rocked back and forth, naked on his bed, cursing and crying and hating himself. When he was done, he dressed himself and laid back down.
Around 12, Izuku fakes enough confidence and leaves his room to wash his laundry and take a shower. His mind feels faraway the entire time, like he’s stuck on autopilot. Soon enough, his laundry finishes drying and the smell of blood and piss disappears. He stops by the kitchen to grab some water, downing two full glasses within thirty seconds, and notices some pre–made meals in the fridge with his name on them. His friends really are thoughtful, and it almost makes him smile.
But he doesn’t deserve their kindness. He takes a protein bar from the pantry and leaves for his room.
3 days before the incident
Izuku wakes up to another nightmare around four in the morning. He’s grateful enough to have not wet himself, though.
He stays up anyway, because he’s too afraid to sleep.
He spends the next four hours doing everything in his ability without leaving his room to make himself look as presentable as possible.
____
He walks to class with Uraraka and Iida, letting their chatter fill his silence. He’s grateful that they understand him. Although, he notices several times during the walk the amount of times they’d nervously glance at each other.
Classes go by. At the end of their first period, Aizawa asks him to meet him in the hallway to talk. He asks him how things are going, and Izuku lies again. Aizawa may not completely buy it, but he lets him be.
During lunch, he decides to eat a real meal so as to not worry those around him. Though his appetite has felt nonexistent recently, the meal goes smoothly through his stomach and he finds that his mood slightly lifts.
“Midoriya, did you enjoy your food?” Todoroki asks at the lunch table. Izuku nods.
“Yeah, I think I’ll get this next time!” He smiles, genuinely. Uraraka seems to beam next to him.
“I know right! I had that one yesterday, do you think they supplied their vegetables differently than usual?”
Izuku considers that. They taste saltier.
He lets himself think about the meal he had for the rest of the day. As it settles in his stomach, it feels rotten.
(Later that day, he vomits out the meal from earlier. He looks in the toilet bowl, and the vegetables from earlier resemble the mangled bodies of who he failed to save. He won’t be getting it next time.)
____
2 days before the incident
Izuku manages to go through the night without a nightmare. It already starts his day off lighter. He opens his phone to a message from Endeavor telling the three of them that he won’t be taking them for a mission this weekend. Izuku cringes, hoping Kacchan isn’t too mad. It’s Izuku’s fault, anyway.
They only have heroics class on Thursdays, so Izuku has more time to himself before he has to head over. The morning feels less heavy. He even finds it in himself to go down and eat breakfast with his friends. They seem to notice his genuine mood, so the lack of concern makes Izuku feel less anxious.
The day is good. He excels during his class and doesn’t get distracted at all. Even Kacchan points it out, which makes Izuku feel happy.
Later, he stays downstairs and works on homework with his friends. They eat snacks and joke around and it makes Izuku feel great.
He eats dinner, doesn’t think about what the food looks, tastes, or feels like, and he focuses on the conversations around him. At one point, Iida leans over to speak with Izuku. His voice is louder than a whisper but quiet enough for only Izuku to hear. The sounds of his classmates' chatter drown it out anyway.
“You seem better today.” He remarks. Izuku smiles.
“I am feeling better, thank you Iida.”
“I hope you know that I am proud of you, okay? What happened mustn't have been easy and I’m happy you are recovering at a quick pace. You can always talk to me if you need, though. I can tell you’ve been avoiding that for a while.”
Izuku freezes. He knows what Iida said was all out of kindness and genuine thoughtfulness from friend to friend but… something ugly forms at the bottom of Izuku’s gut. Guilt. Izuku’s gut twists and suddenly all of the food he ate today which he tried so hard not to think about suddenly feels rotten. Izuku tries his best to mask the sudden shift in his mood to Iida, because it’s not his fault for pointing out the obvious. True, Izuku has been avoiding his friends all week and their attempts to talk to him. It hasn’t even just been this week. Even before what happened, Izuku was already beginning to distance himself. How selfish? Izuku didn’t think once about how his actions must’ve made his friends feel. What if it was Izuku, being turned down again and again and again. Looking at it from a different perspective, how rude is that?
His mood is dampened. He feels disgusting.
After a moment, “... Thank you, Iida. That’s very kind of you. I’ll consider it next time.” He says, putting a forced smile on his face. Iida nods and goes back to his food.
Izuku stays silent the rest of dinner.
____
After dinner, he gets invited to watch a movie with his friends. He turns them down though, making up a lie that he has some work to finish up. Because of his cheerful mood earlier in the day, they easily believe him.
He spends the evening sitting against his wall in his room. He cries, because he’s so pathetic and crying is all he seems to be good at. He wants to go down and hangout with his friends, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. Not with how he’s been treating them. It’s all out of pity anyways, he’s sure of it.
His mood gets worse. He feels something scary boiling. Something so scary that it feels like doom. Something terrifying but inevitable. He considers texting someone, a friend, a teacher, or his mom, but he knows that he’ll only be an inconvenience. Why reach out now?
He hugs his knees and curses at himself. He hates himself, really. He hates himself so much that it feels wrong even though he’s felt this way before. But now it’s every aspect about himself. He feels like the same quirkless kid he was not so long ago and the thought makes him sob louder because he’s tried so hard not to be that person again. He’s tried so hard to become someone else, someone who he could genuinely love, someone worth living for.
Someone who can save others. Someone who can save himself.
But if he can't find even the smallest reason to live for the sad little boy he used to be, then he can’t even live for the person he is now.
(That night, his arms sting with nasty scratches, and Izuku cries himself to sleep, hating himself as he drifts into unconsciousness.)
____
One day before the incident
Fridays are off for work studies. Most students are out for their own job, but the rest stay behind with nothing to do. That includes Izuku, Kacchan, and Todoroki. This is their first day off after being busy for the past couple of weeks, but they don’t take it as a sign to rest and slack off. Kacchan and Todoroki decide to use their resources and train in the gyms.
Izuku uses it as a chance to slack off, though. He texts his mom asking if he can come over for the weekend and within seconds she replies.
Izuku has felt like absolute shit since the prior night. He doesn’t want to get out of bed, but he needs to brush his teeth. He can still taste the food from when he last ate, and he feels nauseous. So, he gets up and brushes his teeth. While brushing the thought crosses his mind:
While brushing my teeth makes me have good oral hygiene and avoid cavities, it’s so bothersome. Three minutes of my life, twice a day, dedicated to something so annoying. Having to stare at myself in the mirror while I repeat the motions of my toothbrush is so exhausting. Of course, I can’t avoid it, at least when I’m still alive. If I were dead, I’d never have to brush my teeth again.
He spits out the toothpaste in his sink and rinses out his mouth. At least he doesn’t taste food anymore.
____
Aizawa signs him off and agrees to let him visit his mother for the weekend. He checks up on him, and Izuku lies.
While leaving the building, Izuku runs into All Might. He checks up on him, and Izuku lies.
While walking back to the dorm Ashido and Yaoyorozu notice him. They check up on him, and Izuku lies.
When he arrives home that night his mother greets him with a warm hug. He tosses his empty backpack on the floor and lets himself be hugged. They stay there for a minute, and when they pull back she cups his face in her hands and checks up on him. This time, he doesn’t lie.
“I don’t feel okay, to be honest.”
The truth feels light and calm as it leaves his mouth, and his mother hugs him again. They spend the night eating instant ramen and junk food while watching TV, and Izuku finds himself falling asleep by his mothers side.
Her love almost makes him want to live.
____
The day of the incident
Izuku spends the day with his mom. They eat breakfast together, they go out to the farmers market, his mom even buys him ice cream! They haven’t hung out like this in a long time it seems, but Izuku is grateful nonetheless. When they get back home his mother lets him be on his own for a bit while she gets some work done in her room. Izuku decides to lay in bed. He feels exhausted, having not done much all week would do that.
Eventually, he cries. He just feels so sad. Sad because despite how lovely his day was, he still feels so awful. Sad because it’s all he’s felt recently. Sad because it’s all he’s ever felt. He can feel One for All buzzing in his head, telling him not to give up, but he is just too exhausted.
Wanting his brain to shut off for a bit, he drifts off to sleep.
____
His mom made them katsudon.
“I went to buy the ingredients while you were napping.” She says as they settle at the table. “I hope it’s good.”
“Your katsudon is always the best,” Izuku replies, “Kacchan agrees to this day. Every time our cafeteria serves katsudon, he always mentions it.”
She laughs. “Katsuki has always had a soft spot for my cooking, you know. How are you two anyways?”
“Good,” he says, truthfully, “he’s getting better each day. He’s also more… open, now.”
“Thats great,” she hums, “and, how are your other friends?”
“Good as well. We’re all busy but we find time to get together.”
“I’m glad. You really have such great friends, I’m so glad.”
Izuku glances up at his mom. He feels… bittersweet. “Yeah, I do.”
____
At 11:56pm, when Izuku has made sure his mother has gone to sleep, he grabs a kitchen knife and slips into their bathroom.
He feels numb, not sad, not scared, but numb.
He strips into just basketball shorts, sits against the wall, and tears open through his right arm with the knife. As he expected, it hurts a lot. The sting from his scratches are nothing compared to this. He hisses, and within seconds he’s hyperventilating and crying. But he knows that he can’t back out now, he’s already crossed the point of no return.
Quickly, he takes the knife to his left arm and draws it. He puts more pressure on it because his right arm is already feeling extremely weak. The gash on his left arm turns out bigger, and bloodier too.
The knife slips from his grasp and it makes a dull thud as it hits the tiles. He looks down at it, but finds that the once white tiles are now stained with red.
He’s losing a lot of blood.
Just like they did, when Izuku was trapped there. As his vision sways and the pain turns into a cold sensation of burning, he confronts himself. One last confrontation.
“I…” he chokes out to himself. “I was scared.”
His vision blurs, he almost throws up.
“I’m just a kid. I–I–I’ve seen p–people get hurt before. I’ve s–seen violence and d–d–destruction. But…”
He shuts his eyes closed and wails quietly. “I’m still j–just a kid. Everyone was s–s–so mangled and I c–couldn’t move because I f–felt so scared.”
His pulse quickens by the second.
“I’ve always b–been scared. But I’ve used t–that to motivate myself to push p–past it. So the..” the one time, he thinks, the one time I have to use that fear to help others, I freeze.
“I froze. And when t–that v–villain started h–hurting h–her, I couldn’t e–even do a–anything to s–save her life. And i–it makes me f–feel so stupid. Everything m–makes me feel s–s–stupid. And sad.” and I wish I knew how to be happy, how to brush past my failures and forget them.
He slumps over, hitting his already concussed head onto the tiles. “I deserve t–to die. I’ve always deserved to die,” he hiccups, “I’ve a–always just been a u–useless Deku.”
“ And I–I n–never stopped b–being scared.”
The static in his mind finally quiets, and his vision fades completely.
Izuku isn’t met with unconsciousness, but he finds himself in a… void. There are no wounds on his forearms, and his head feels light. He looks around but finds nothing and no one, and that's when everything disappears, leaving Izuku finally gone.
____
Present
Shouta sits grimly next to his student’s mother. They are in a private conference room in the hospital, and the silence is louder than Shouta prefers. Occasionally, Mrs. Midoriya sniffles, but for the most part, she stares silently at the wall in front of her. He called Toshinori five minutes ago, so the man should be arriving soon. Shouta pinches the bridge of his nose.
His student is in the ICU because of a suicide attempt.
He’s dealt countless times with students who struggle with their mental health, and friends, colleagues, even himself too. As a hero, he’s saved several individuals from ending their lives. But he never knew those people.
And those people weren’t one of his students—
The door swings open, it's Toshinori. “Aizawa? Mrs Midoriya? What happened to Izuku?”
Inko doesn’t answer, in fact, Shouta isn’t even sure she’s registered the presence of the other man. “Toshinori, you need to sit down.”
He complies and sits down across from Shouta. “Aizawa, what happened.”
“I’m sorry for being so vague on the phone, but I needed to tell you this in person because of the severity.”
Toshinori swallows anxiously. “Was he attacked?”
“No, he…” Shouta glances at Midoriya’s mom. She was fully zoned out, having exerted all of her energy with her cries.
“Aizawa, please I need to know—”
“Midoriya… Midoriya attempted suicide.”
“He— what.” Toshinori freezes.
“He tore open his forearms with a kitchen knife last night,” he leaned in closer to Toshinori, “his mother didn’t find him until at least forty minutes later after she woke up needing to use the bathroom. He was dead. When paramedics came, they had to shock him back to life.”
Toshinori didn’t respond.
“He’s in the ICU. He’s in critical condition. They’re doing a lot but right now he’s in surgery. His heart keeps stopping.”
“Oh my god…” Toshinori mutters, as if the words have finally caught up to him.
“Any later and Izuku probably wouldn’t have survived. Or at least, he would’ve been more or less a vegetable. And who’s to stay after he wakes up, there won’t be any serious complications, like—”
“Aizawa, shut up.”
Shouta looks up to see Toshinori crying.
“I’m sorry.”
There’s silence for at least a full minute after. Then, Toshinori speaks up.
“It’s fine just— fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck.”
“That’s such a… such a violent way to go through with it.” Toshinori remarks quietly. “I can’t imagine how much pain he must’ve been in.”
Shouta doesn’t respond. He’s crying now, too.
“I almost lost my boy.” Toshinori sobs, doubling over and muffling his cries with his mouth.
Shouta looks over, Inko is crying again. Though, her expression is still distant and her tears are softer.
Shouta turns around and sobs quietly into his scarf. To have three people crying like this for you, Shouta wishes Midoriya could have known how loved he is.
____
Class 1–A met in the common room. Their morning was as usual, until around noon when they all received a message from their teacher telling them to all gather.
“Where’s Midoriya?” Kirishima asked Katsuki as they arrived in the common room.
“He went to his moms place this weekend, dipshit.”
“Ohh, right. Wait— hey! I’m not a dipshit!”
“Whatever you say, dipshit.”
Katsuki sat down on the couch, Kirishima sitting down beside him.
“I wonder what this is about.” Uraraka remarks. “It’s always either something bad or something completely not worth stressing about!”
“I know right!” Ashido replies, “Mr. Aizawa is always so vague and intimidating about this stuff that you never know.”
“I agree. Although, I hope it’s not something like last week.” Jirou says.
The class goes silent for a moment, and Katsuki rolls his eyes. “You want to talk about it now that he’s not here, huh.”
Jirou twirls her ear jack. “Well, yeah. Wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable.”
“That was super scary!” Kaminari adds. “Aizawa called us together to tell us there was an incident and Midoriya was in the hospital!”
“Dude’s always in the hospital.” Sato also chimes in. “Not unusual.”
Ashido frowns. “Yeah but, what actually happened was…”
Katsuki scoffs. “Yeah, what happened was fucking horrific. Don’t go making jokes about him being a hospital magnet. Shits fucked up.”
“Yeah, I genuinely couldn’t imagine being okay after something like that. And you two didn’t even know?” Uraraka asked.
Todoroki shakes his head. “After we finished our individual work my old man sent us back to his agency. Didn’t know until everyone around started freaking out about someone in one of the teams being missing. We only found out through Burnin’ when she sent us back to the dorms.”
Kirishima sighs. “That’s insane.”
“Yeah,” Uraraka frowns, “I just hope that this meeting isn’t about him again.”
Ashido scoffs. “What are the odds of that?”
Before anyone can respond, they are interrupted by their building door opening. Expecting to see their teacher, that expectation is quickly shut down when Present Mic and Midnight walk in.
“The hell?” Katsuki mutters.
Their faces are grim, to say the least.
Iida speaks up. “Where’s Mr. Aizawa? Or All Might? Not to be rude, but they’re usually the ones who talk to us during these meetings.”
Midnight’s expression remains stoic. “Not here.”
“Uhm, Mrs. Midnight?” Hagakure asks.
The woman hums.
“Midoriya isn’t here, by the way. I don’t know if you knew that or not, but…”
They share a look, then:
“Midoriya is in the hospital,” she says, “and it’s urgent that we speak with you.”
The room goes silent. Katsuki’s eye twitches, look at those odds.
“It’s urgent because there is a chance that Midoriya… that Midoriya…” Midnight struggles to finish her sentence, leaving the class in anxious anticipation.
“There’s a chance he won’t survive.” Present Mic finishes, putting a hand on her shoulder.
The class finally erupts. Katsuki is able to drown out the majority of the noise by the ringing in his ears, but he catches stuff here and there.
“What happened?”
“Was he attacked!?”
“He won’t survive?”
“Midoriya is so strong, though—”
“Why…”
“QUIET.” Present Mic yells, activating his quirk and silencing the room. When the room is quiet again, he explains.
“Before I tell you this, I need you to know that we have several resources here if you ever find yourself feeling anxious, sad, or in a crisis, all the teachers and Hound Dog, your counsellor, are always here for you if you need to talk.”
Uraraka winces. “What does this—”
“You also have each other. I know it’s scary to open up, but when you do you’ll find just how much you all care about one another, and I never want you listeners to doubt that for a single second.”
The room goes silent. Katsuki already fears the worst ending to this. But, inevitably,
“Last night, Midoriya attempted suicide.”
… it’s quiet.
“His mother found him late, but had she not woken up that time he would have died. He’s currently being treated at Musutafu General. He is in the ICU. He is in critical condition. His heart keeps stopping and he may not survive.” He sucks in a breath to try and compose himself, Katsuki supposes. Wait—
His heart drops.
“Deku… what the…” he says, outloud.
“Oh my god.” Uraraka whispers. Katsuki can’t see her expression, but it must match the shocked horror in her tone.
“Your other teachers are at the hospital in support of his mother right now. We will update you on his condition as it goes. We are here if you need to talk. Please, and I encourage, stay with each other. This is not easy.”
Everyone just nods their heads.
“We are going to hangout around the entrance, if you need us. For now, we give you guys space. Do you guys have any questions for us? I’m sorry that your day is starting off like this. This is truly so awful.”
When nobody responds, they leave them be.
And it’s silent for a long time after.
____
The rest of the day everyone more or less keeps to themselves. Some decide to stay downstairs, others, including Katsuki, decide to go to their rooms.
Katsuki doesn’t cry. His eyes burn and his pulse quickens and his palms smoke but he doesn’t cry. He diverts his attention into studying, even if every word he reads isn’t actually fully registered in his brain. Still, he can’t focus.
Deku might not survive.
The thought angers him. Why now? Deku has been through some real shit recently, that’s true, but he’s always been able to push past it. Even in middle school, Deku never took any of his lame insults seriously. Unless…
Out of frustration, Katsuki gripped onto his pencil case and threw it against his wall. It collided with his bookshelf, and books clattered onto the floor.
I need to chill out, Katsuki thinks. He grabs his phone and leaves his room, heading downstairs. He needs to clear his head. On his way, he spots Todoroki and Uraraka sitting together. They spot him as well.
“Bakugou,” Todoroki acknowledges, “where are you going?”
“For a walk,” he grunts.
Uraraka doesn’t respond. Katsuki glances at the girl, her expression numb and quiet. Todoroki pokes again. “May we come?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Katsuki scoffs. “Why not? ‘Cus I don’t want to fucking talk to you.”
Todoroki’s expression remains unreadable. “We don’t have to talk.”
Katsuki freezes. Then, “I said no, mind your business.”
Without sparing the two a second glance, he heads for the front doors. Present Mic spots him before he can leave, though.
“Ah, Bakugou…” he says. Katsuki stops, not answering but acknowledging his teacher.
“Where are you off to?” he asks.
“I’m just going to walk around campus. Is there an issue with that?”
Present Mic waves his hands in defense. “Not at all. But don’t wander off far, and be safe.” He gives Katsuki this warm smile that makes him feel… guilty, for whatever reason. Katsuki waves him off and exits the building.
He circles the entire U.A. campus around three times before his legs start to ache and he finds his way to a bench. Sitting down, he pulls out his phone. It’s not even the evening yet, and Katsuki is surprised by how slowly time passes when he just wants the day to end. Thinking back to what Present Mic said, about Aizawa and All Might being at the hospital for Deku’s mom, he wonders…
“Katsuki? You don’t ever call me, what’s up?”
Katsuki stares blankly ahead of him. He hovers his phone over his ear, unsure of how to go about this. He‘s calling his mom for a single reason, he reminds himself.
“Uhm… you remember… Izuku, right?” His tone is awkward and quieter than his normal self. He doesn’t call people, especially his mom.
“Katsuki, of course. You two are in the same class, right? You haven’t mentioned him in a while though, not that you ever talk about your friends. Why are you bringing him up?”
Katsuki pauses. He needs to find the right words. “You’re still friends with his mom, right?”
On the other end, his mother laughs. “I’ve known that woman for half my life. Of course Katsuki, Inko is one of my closest friends. Although we haven’t gotten together for a while, now that I think about it. Anyways, why are you bringing her up? Must be important since you’re calling me.”
Taking a deep breath, Katsuki replies. “Something bad happened to D— Izuku. Uhm, I think it might help his mom if you check up on her.”
His mother doesn’t respond for a second. He hears movement on the phone and the sound of keys clattering when his mom finally answers. “Katsuki, what happened? Is Izuku hurt? Where’s Inko?”
“At Musutafu General.”
“Musu— what? Is Izuku in the hospital?”
Katsuki cringes. “Yes.”
“Shit… well, okay. Is it bad?”
“Yes.” He can’t help it, his voice cracks.
“Katsuki, what happened.”
A pause. A long, breathy pause. Katsuki takes a moment, because the words finally sink in. “He tried to kill himself last night. I don’t know how or even why but all I know is he might not live.”
“Oh, Katsuki… That’s— do you know— I don’t—”
“It’s fine, just please check up on his mom.”
“...Of course, thank you Katsuki. Thank you for calling me and thinking of Inko. But I also need you to know that you can always call me, especially if it’s regarding yourself. I can’t imagine how you must feel, that’s… terrible.”
Katsuki just nods, even though he knows his mother can’t see him. He’s afraid that if he speaks, he’ll cry.
“I love you, Katsuki. Okay? I’m here for you, even if you’re too stubborn to accept that. I’ll call you later. Bye.”
The line ends and Katsuki’s arm falls limp at his side. He doesn’t want to cry, so he gets up and makes his way back to the dorms.
____
Five days later
The moment Izuku opens his eyes, he isn’t met with confusion or haze, but a deep understanding of what happened.
Sitting up, the first thing he notices is the sharp pain that shoots up both his arms. He groans, looking down to see that both his arms are tightly wrapped in several layers of gauze and bandages. They ache so terribly that even the slightest attempt to lift them causes Izuku great discomfort. There’s a tube connected up his nose, and he’s dressed in a familiar blue gown. The lights are dim, not off, and the curtains are covering the glass door that closes the room Izuku is in.
He’s alone.
He stares off for a couple moments, letting the heaviness of this situation weigh on him. He really… did it. He looks back down at his arms again, but he has trouble remembering exactly what they looked like when he cut them open. He supposes that’s a good thing.
Suddenly, everything inside of him, everything connected to him, it all disgusts him. He rocks slightly, the anxiety growing inside him like a tornado, which apparently caught the attention of a passing nurse, who rushes up to him in just seconds.
“Honey, just breathe.” The woman says, and Izuku nods. He copies her breathing for a couple seconds before finally settling in at a steady pace and relaxing. She presses some sort of button and other nurses rush in.
“How are you feeling?” The nurse at his bedside asks. Izuku glances around the room, the three other nurses working independently on things Izuku doesn’t want to bother about. Though, their presence discomforts him.
“…” his brows furrow as his throat clenches.
“Is your throat sore?” he nods, “okay, we can get you some water.”
A nurse leaves the room.
“Okay, we are just going to make sure you’re alright for the time being, and then we’ll get your doctor so he can discuss some things with you, okay? Do you want me to call your mom? Or your teacher?”
A wave of panic surges. He can’t see them— he can’t explain to them—
The nurse smiles warmly and traces her thumb on his hand, probably sensing his stress. “It’s okay. You don’t have to see them right away.”
With an internal sigh of relief, Izuku nods.
____
“He’s awake. He’s very aware and doesn’t seem to be struggling with any confusion or forgetfulness. We spoke with him, and although he only gave very vague and short answers, his recite of what happened was exactly what we thought. We haven’t gotten a psych doctor to speak with him just yet, but he did confirm that he was fully aware when he attempted suicide. He’s very timid and quiet and little things our nurses do seem to startle him, so we assume he’s struggling with focus. Unsure whether or not it’s cognitive or to do with his injury. Speaking of, he currently cannot move his arms without feeling intense pain. Nothing really to worry about now as that’s normal after these injuries.
He requested not see you, including his mother. He appears extremely anxious at the thought of talking to the two of you, or rather, any of his caregivers. And because of his age and the suicide attempt, we need to do everything in our care to make him as comfortable as possible, so I hope that doesn’t offend you too much, Aizawa.”
Shouta hums, noting down everything the man on the other end says. “Quite the opposite. I don’t expect Midoriya to want to talk to any of us. The fact that he’s alive and even this lucid is a miracle, but unfortunately that means he has to bear the burden of confronting what he did.”
“Exactly that. Also, thought I’d ask, but does Midoriya have any food sensitivities or issues that you may know of?”
Shouta’s brows fur. Any food issues? “Not that I’m aware of, no. Why are you wondering?”
The doctor sighs. “Nurses found that he hasn’t properly nourished himself for at least a week. It’s my understanding that he suffered an incident just over a week ago, poor kid, so I’m wondering if that altered his appetite. We’re finding proof of multiple instances where he regurgitated his food or flat out didn’t feed himself. When we asked about it, he got very uncomfortable. We tried feeding him around twenty minutes ago, but he didn’t eat.”
“Well, it wouldn’t surprise me. I’ve noticed that Midoriya doesn’t properly take care of himself. Is that normal?”
“Yes, but we thought we’d ask just in case. It’s harder when he refuses to tell us anything.”
Shouta frowns. “Refuses?”
“He’s anxious. Failing a suicide attempt that brutal isn’t the sort of situation anyone would want to find themselves in. Clearly, he wants to avoid thinking about it entirely. That includes everything leading up to it.”
“Oh, alright. Well, if anything comes up—”
“Don’t worry. He’s in good hands. We will need you and his mother to come in within the next couple of days to discuss what to do with him further. It mostly relies on what the psychologist thinks is the best route, although it will be your call unless we need to intervene.”
“I understand. Thank you for calling, I’ll pass the information on to his mother.”
He hangs up, placing his phone down, and letting out a sigh of relief.
For the past five days, the atmosphere in Shouta’s life has been pure misery. Classes were cancelled on Monday, mainly due to the fact that Shouta was busy dealing with hospital paperwork since Mrs. Midoriya was unable to properly complete it herself. Any reminder of her son brought the waterworks back, and for her sanity, they all thought it was the right decision to leave it to him. For the time being, she’s staying at the Bakugou’s home, and she hasn’t returned to work.
His class has also been a mess. During classes, Shouta noticed that several of Midoriya’s closest friends have been likely losing sleep, their lack of attention and snoozing during class being the proof of his suspicion. Of course, Shouta knows better than to reprimand them at a time like this, especially when they’re children. If they were functioning adults with hero careers, Shouta would have snapped them back into reality, but that’s not the case here. When he lost Shirokumo, he was no different. So, he sent them to either Hound Dog or their dorms after class finished.
Shouta frowns. It was Uraraka who seemed to be the most sleep deprived out of all her peers. He talked to Todoroki about it, asking him about Uraraka, and apparently she’s been avoiding everyone else too. Two days ago, she spent the entire class in Hound Dog’s office. Nemuri was able to get her to open up, and it just so happens that Uraraka’s just feeling super guilty about not realizing how Midoriya was feeling.
Midoriya’s other closest friends, Todoroki, Iida, and, well, Bakugou, they’re all dealing with the news in their own ways. At least they’re all functioning. It almost makes him feel guilty about agreeing to tell them about Midoriya, but the kids would have found out anyway.
He sits up from his desk and makes his way to 1-A’s dorm building. On his way, he calls Inko Midoriya.
____
“Can we see him?”
“When did he wake up!?”
“Is he okay?”
“When—
“Quiet!” Shouta yells, activating his quirk and silencing the class. Intimidated, the class freezes and pays attention to the man.
“If you were to have waited for me to finish, I was about to explain,” Shouta takes a deep breath, then, “like I said, he’s awake. He’s doing fine and experiencing no major physical or cognitive problems other than some discomfort from his injuries. Can you see him? No. He has requested no visitors, that includes me or his mother. Therefore the information I have regarding his psych isn’t something I can help you with.”
“But will we be able to see him anytime soon?” Uraraka asks timidly.
“That all depends on time. Individuals suffering from suicidal tendencies go through different protocals at the hospital, also depending on the severity of their attempt. I don’t want to scare you, but I do want to educate you, but Midoriya’s suicide attempt was severe. They might even recommend sending him to a psychiatric hospital, depending on how his evaluation goes.”
The class remains quiet, forcing Shouta to fill in the silence. “I do believe it would be good for you guys to keep him company, but we also need to be careful as to not overwhelm him. I also want you to be aware that after surviving suicide attempts, individuals may end up even more depressed than before the attempt.”
“Can we do anything to help?” Yaomomo asks. “Like, write a card, send flowers, or… are we allowed to message him?”
“Gifts are entirely up to your guys’ collaboration, and as for messaging… I can’t say Midoriya will have access to his phone at all times, but I don’t believe taking it away from him is a good idea. He may become open to seeing you guys if he appreciates the messages, but I’ll ask first. Don’t send anything without my permission, understand?”
“Yes sir.” the class choruses.
“Alright. Now, for the more uncomfortable portion,” his classes tenses, “how are you all feeling?”
No one answers right away, all sort of glancing awkwardly at each other, unsure of how to answer. But to his surprise, Uraraka speaks up.
“I’m… I’m feeling confused, Mr. Aizawa.” she says, her voice distant and quiet.
“Why are you confused?” Shouta asks, hesitantly. He doesn’t want to upset the girl.
Her eyes start to brim with tears, and she looks at him with her heartbroken expression. “Just… why?” she sniffles, “why did he do it?”
No one answers her, and Shouta isn’t quite sure how to go about this. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to.
“Sometimes, you never know why. People's reasons aren’t always visible, Uraraka.” Todoroki responds.
Uraraka frowns, her voice raising slightly. “No, I couldn’t have been oblivious to it! He’s my best friend! It could have been… It was…”
Shouta cuts in, “Uraraka, how about—”
“It was what happened last week!” she said, suddenly gaining hope. “It was what happened during his mission, right? There’s nothing else that could have made him feel like…”
“Uraraka.” Todoroki interrupts. Uraraka shifts her focus to her friend, whatever small fragment of hope she gained fading away with each passing second. “People don’t commit suicide because of one bad event within the span of a week. If they do, then they’re seriously messed up. So are you trying to say that Midoriya is seriously messed up?”
Her eyes widen. “No! I would never think that.”
“Then, by your hypothesis, his suicide attempt was triggered by this event. Have you considered that maybe it was just the tipping point? Have you not considered that maybe there were other aspects in his life causing him to experience suicidal thoughts?”
“I…” she looks down, then at Shouta. “Mr. Aizawa?”
The class shifts their gaze to Shouta, and put on the spot, he answers. “He’s right, Uraraka. The most painful thing about watching a loved one suffer is the fact that you won’t have one answer. If you did, it would be an easier fix, no? Or, at least, an easier answer to accept.”
She shakes her head. “But Deku didn’t seem depressed at all until last week!”
“Uraraka, one of the most common traits amongst depressed people is the fact that they are good at hiding the fact that they’re depressed. But when they hit that tipping point, their mask crumbles. Mental illness isn’t meant to be simple. Actually, it’s so complex that the majority of those suffering from disorders like depression or anxiety give up on treatment early on, because of how complex it seems. It’s not easy to accept, and if it were, don’t you think he would have reached out for help?”
Sniffling, she shakes her head.
“Exactly. You weren’t oblivious to the fact that he was struggling. You weren’t ignorant, or useless, or selfish. You were there for him when you could see his pain. When it was invisible, how could you possibly have helped him?”
She chokes out a sob, gripping her pants. “I should have always been there for him, regardless if he ‘showed signs’ or not!”
“But that’s not your job.” He says softly. He walks over to his student, who is fully sobbing. Crouching down, he puts a hand on her knee. “You may never know why he did what he did, but the truth is, sometimes there isn’t a concrete reason. Sometimes, burden on top of burden, on top of stress, on top of self–esteem, on top of trauma, it becomes something so overwhelming, so scary, that the only way out looks permanent. You’ll never know what’s actually going on in somebody’s head, and that’s something so dangerous.
Midoriya knows how to act, how to put on a mask and pretend. It is nobody’s job to look after him, or save his life— when he appears as a functioning person with strong willpower. That goes for all of you, none of you guys are responsible for each other’s mental health. Can you help each other? Absolutely. But sometimes, and especially when it comes to wanting to kill yourself, you have to be your own hero. Because no other person can save you from your own self. Only you.”
He pauses for a moment, glancing at his other students. They are all crying, or like Bakugou, who is turned away. Bringing his finger to his eye, he finds that he is almost crying.
“Midoriya is loved so deeply, by so many people. The fact that we can all gather here and cry about him, shows the importance and impact he’s made on all our lives.” He stands up. “There’s no reason to dwell on ‘why’. Midoriya probably still needs to figure that out himself. For now, we can use that love and that sadness and use it to remind Midoriya of who he is to us.”
He turns back to Uraraka, her eyes glossy and bright. “You said Midoriya was your best friend. Then, he probably felt the same. That’s why he didn’t tell you. Because he loves you, and he cares about you so deeply, and he knows that you feel the same. Your empathy, your kindness, and your determination to help others are all attributes that Midoriya valued so much about you, and because of that, he probably didn’t want to hurt you. You weren’t oblivious, Uraraka, he was just too caring.”
“W–will he ever get better?”
Shouta nods. “That’s all up to time. But I can say this for sure: the love and empathy you have in you is something very special, alright Uraraka? As your teacher, I can with confidence tell you that you are enough. You may not feel it right away, but your presence here matters. That goes for everyone.”
With one more choked sob, Uraraka crumbles to the floor, heavy cries escaping her mouth. Yaoyorozu and Ashido run to her side, comforting her and hugging her. Between her cries, Shouta can make out a couple broken ‘thank you’s’’ between her uneven breaths.
____
He stays there for the rest of the evening, talking with his students and sharing stories from when he was younger. Later, when his students went off to bed, he found Bakugou still lurking in the kitchen, filling up a glass of water.
“Bakugou, are you off to bed soon?”
The blonde turns around, his face stoic. “Not that tired.”
“Don’t you usually go to bed around eight?” Shouta scoffs, “it’s 10:30.”
Bakugou just shrugs, taking a sip from his glass of water. “I got a question.”
Shouta nods. “Alright.”
“He really didn’t want any visitors?”
“No.”
“Not even his mom? Or you, or All Might?”
“No, his doctor mentioned he was anxious at the mention of seeing his teachers or mother when they’d ask him again.”
“That’s not ‘visitors’ though,” Bakugou scoffs, “you said that he ‘didn’t want any visitors’, but then you just said that only teachers and his mom made him uneasy.”
Shouta frowns. “Bakugou, I get that you care about him, but I’m sure that also includes everyone else.”
“Hmph. Sure.”
Shouta sighs. “Goodnight Bakugou, get some rest.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
Shouta stares at his student, who glances down at his water in return. Bakugou has always been a tough kid to understand. In the beginning, Bakugou’s relationship with Midoriya was incredibly concerning. That, along with his brash behaviour and unhealthy sense of entitlement, Shouta was almost worried that he’d remain like that forever. Thankfully, he seems to have matured. It probably has to do with all the trauma and hardships he’s been through since starting the hero course.
Bakugou waves off his teacher and walks over to the stairs, leaving Shouta all by himself. He doesn’t linger though, it’s late and he knows that he needs to rest.
Midoriya is awake, so he can finally rest.
____
When Katsuki gets to his room, he doesn’t fall asleep right away. For the past couple of days since learning of Deku’s situation, Katsuki has been having issues with sleeping. He hates that it’s getting to him, that the stupid nerd has so much influence over his life.
He doesn’t want to admit it, but it feels like guilt. Guilt, because he saw it. He saw Deku’s pain, his exhaustion, his defeat. Katsuki saw his determination falling, but did nothing. Despite his teacher's award–worthy speech, Katsuki can’t help but doubt himself.
Was he hoping that Deku would push past it? Like he always had?
Was the idea of Deku losing too… alien?
Tonight is different from all of the other nights though, because Deku is awake. Deku is awake and breathing and alive. But… that means Deku is also aware. He is aware and thinking and he knows what he did.
Katsuki wonders if Deku regrets doing it. Screw that, Katsuki knows that he regrets it. Ignoring the fact that trying to kill yourself is a horrible thing, he knows that Deku would have much rather died than lived. That’s why he tried to, right? And because he survived, he now has to deal with all the shit he tried to avoid by attempting, on top of the consequences of trying to off himself.
Deku isn’t a happy person, he’s never been. He just occupies himself with hobbies and learning and training just so he can avoid thinking. Because if he thinks too much, he can’t fake being happy like he normally does. He tries to distract himself with things that make him happy. But the feeling is only something he can grasp on. During middle school, Deku was obsessed with anything and everything. When he couldn’t fixate on those things, like for example, when Katsuki would beat him up, his mask would slip. Katsuki would see that tired, depressed expression, and use it against him.
Katsuki knows this because he’s the same. He doesn’t try to fake being happy, though, he’s quite neutral with that feeling most of the time. If he isn’t happy, there isn’t any point for him to lie about it. But if he is left without anything to do for too long, then he becomes a version of himself that he doesn’t want others to see. Someone softer, someone quieter.
Katsuki used to think Deku was mocking him, making fun of him. Switching between these personalities of happiness and sadness to mock Katsuki’s own lack of identity. But the reality is simple:
Deku was never mocking him, they were just so similar. So much so that Deku’s similarity to him felt more like a curse than a gift. Here was this kid, Izuku Midoriya, someone Katsuki could have (should have) related to and befriended. But instead, Katsuki threw away that opportunity in fear.
He hates fear. He hates it so much. He hates how weak it makes him. He hates how fear shows up in different ways. He hates how fear has been mocking him his whole life. Like fear is embedded in his DNA, in his blood. He hates how fear shows up as anger, as ego, as superiority.
He hates how feared he is of his and Izuku’s similarity.
____
Katsuki’s phone
Messages — Izuku Midoriya’s Contact
You:
— Hey.
11:43 pm