Chapter Text
“I can’t do this,” the Doctor whispered as he loosened his tie and sat on the bed.
Donna had taken her leave of him to ‘freshen up’ in the en suite. He was glad for the space. He looked to the closed door and figured she probably needed her space as well. He gazed around the room, his sonic had been taken from him, but he was quite certain that there were cameras or other monitoring devices in the room. It was unlikely this would be anything they could talk their way out of or ‘fake.’ In fact, given the level of technology the Orgas had, it was quite likely that there were sensors in the bed as well. He groaned at that thought. For the first time in a very long time, he wished he were not smart. Donna was brilliant, but she would not be thinking of all the things currently running through his mind. He knew if he tried to tamper with anything they would know. The most important thing right now was to get Donna out of here in the safest manner possible. He got up and wandered to the windows to look out.
A few minutes later, the Doctor felt a hand on his shoulder. He nearly jumped out of his skin. He was so lost in thought, trying to think his way out of this, that he had not heard Donna come out of the loo, “Donna!” He gasped in surprise.
She smirked, “Yeah, Time Boy, were you expecting the Easter Bunny?”
He swallowed thickly.
They had obviously provided Donna with the silk pajamas she was wearing. However, seeing her in the clothing that left very little to the imagination and under these circumstances, made him very nervous. He took a step back. Her face fell as she watched him. Now he had done it, he had hurt her. She did not know what was going through his mind, she could not possibly understand. He noticed her hand twitch with the effort she was using to stop herself from reaching out to touch him. He met her eyes and that is when he saw it: she thought he was in control. She was totally convinced he would get them out of this. And she did not know that there was no way for him to save them from this fate.
The Doctor nervously swallowed. Without meeting Donna’s eyes, he took her hand and led her to the bed. He gestured for her to sit and then grabbed the stool from the vanity to sit across from her. Donna looked at him, “Oh, God, we’re going to die, aren’t we?”
At that, he met her eyes, “What? No. Well,” he elongated the word, “Maybe... Donna, there’s something you need to know before we do anything.”
Now, she actually did look worried, “You have spikes or something so we can’t do this!”
He gave her a confused look and she gestured to herself. The Doctor quickly shook his head, “No! No… What? No! I’m not like a cat.”
He was getting flustered and took a deep breath, then released it quickly with a whoosh while running his hands through his hair. At that, Donna’s tone and demeanor became gentle, “It’s been awhile for you? Don’t worry it has for me too and well, I’ve never done it with an alien…”
“Donna, will you stop for a second? I’m trying to tell you something,” he cut her off quickly. He took a deep breath and slowly met her eyes again, “We’ve met so many different species recently. Have you ever given any thought to how they… reproduce?”
Donna looked at the Doctor with a slight tilt of her head, “Well, I thought they did it like everything else on planet Earth seems to. What are you trying to say?”
He held up a hand, “Donna, I’m… asexual.”
Donna gave a shocked expression, “Oh, my God! You mean you don’t have… but your male. You are male, aren’t you? Doctor?”
He caught her hands and gave them a squeeze, “Donna, I didn’t say I didn’t have a gender… I said I’m asexual.”
He could see the panic building within her. He could sense her heart rate increase as he held her hands and so he continued on, “I’m not attracted to anyone sexually. I never have been.”
She tried to process what he had said, “But you had children and grandchildren! You said so!”
He nodded, “Not having a sexual desire doesn’t mean that… copulation can’t happen. I loved my wife, very much. We had sex on occasion, but… in the context of our relationship, sex wasn’t the important part to me.”
It was like a light suddenly went off for Donna, “So when I kissed you in that kitchen… Oh! And everything with Martha… But, what about Rose?”
The Doctor had no desire to address the issues with Rose. So he nodded and smiled faintly, Donna really was brilliant when she let herself! He gently ran his thumbs over her knuckles, “In the kitchen, I was serious about the detox. Really, I should detox myself more often than I do. And Martha... I made a mistake. I needed to buy time, so I needed to do a genetic transfer….”
Donna offered a wry grin as she interrupted, “So you snogged her! No wonder she fell head over heals for you, you Prawn.”
The Doctor simply shrugged, “I told her it meant nothing before I did it – how was I to know she wouldn’t believe me.”
Donna sighed, being reminded again of how alien he is, “Because everyone associates kissing with attraction.” She paused, then asked, “And… this?” She gestured around the room with her eyes and looked suddenly fragile.
The Doctor took a deep breath, “This is… different.”
Donna nodded, “Because you’re alien.”
He paused before continuing. He debated how to explain it. Finally he continued, “I’m not asexual because I’m a Time Lord, Donna. Even if I were Human, I would still be asexual.” The Doctor paused again and when she did not interrupt, he continued, “Donna, there is no way we will be able to fake this. The technology they have is too advanced. They will probably know before we will whether anything happened or not.”
He felt Donna tense. Her voice was barely a whisper, “So they can hear and see us?”
Oh, he hated to see that look in her eyes. He released one of her hands and cupped her cheek with the free one, “I don’t know, but I suspect that the amount of freedom we have in this suite means that they, at the very least, have sensors that can detect such things. The door will not open until the sensors send a message to unlock it.”
She closed her eyes at his touch and tried to take a calming breath, “So we can’t fake it.”
He released her and sighed, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She took another breath and she schooled her features into something resembling a calm acceptance. She met his eyes and leaned her head in until their foreheads touched. She spoke hardly above a whisper, “Don’t be sorry. I trust you.”
She could not have known that on Gallifrey, it was an intimate gesture. But, he was grateful she offered it. The Doctor closed his eyes and took a breath, “There is one thing about being a Time Lord, though, that you should know about.”
At that, Donna sat back and gave a nod that he should continue. He took another calming breath, “Time Lords are telepaths. And specifically, I’m a touch telepath.”
Donna spoke her understanding, “Like what you did on the Ood Sphere.”
He nodded, “In order to,” he paused, trying to find the right word, “Consummate… there has to be a telepathic connection.”
He was looking a bit shy as he waited for her response. She took a breath, she had not been expecting that one, “You’re gonna be in my head.”
He nodded, “It’s a fact of my biology. I won’t be able to…” he made an awkward gesture with his hand instead of saying the word, “If I’m not. I suppose you could call it the Time Lord form of birth control.”
Donna looked up at that, “Oh, my God! Could I get pregnant?”
The Doctor bit his lower lip, “Well, that is sort of the point of why they do this ceremony here.” Donna got off the bed and walked away from him, “But, pregnant with you? I mean, you’re not human, what if the kid has two heads instead of two hearts. What if it’s got green blood? They’ll want to run all kinds of experiments on it.”
The Doctor could tell that Donna was starting to panic. He walked over to her and put a hand on each shoulder to stop her from pacing. He spoke calmly, but there was a command for her to calm down behind his tone, “Donna! The likelihood of you getting pregnant is astronomical. Remember? I tried to explain to them when they were first arranging this between us.” He smiled fondly and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, “Your beautiful red hair. So many places consider you a goddess for it. I’ve been lucky to avoid the violent ones so far…. After Pompeii…”
She simply nodded, took a breath and then spoke, “So you’re gonna be in my head.”
He replied softly, “It’ll be similar to how it felt on the Ood Sphere. More intense. And I won’t be able to see any specific thoughts. You won’t be able to seen any of mine, but we’ll be able to know what the other is feeling at that moment.”
She looked up at him, “That’s what you were talking about when you said we couldn’t ‘fake it’?”
He nodded, “I’m sorry.”
Donna gently slapped the Doctor on his arm, “I told you, I trust you. So stop apologizing.”
He released her and started to walk back to the window, “But I got us into this, I shouldn’t have even tried to come here. A year, maybe two earlier and we would’ve been fine."
She slowly approached him, “But it was wonderful, until yesterday. I mean you were right about the colors of the sunrises and sunsets. The way they dance together like the Northern Lights. It was brilliant.” She paused to look out the window with him, “Wait… a year or two earlier?” The Doctor nodded silently and Donna continued, “Well, what if this was always going to be the way of it?”
He turned to face her, “What do you mean?”
She shrugged, “You’ve got that big Time Lord brain and you don’t know? All that stuff about how you ‘see’ things and you can’t figure it out?”
He was looking at her with a blank face.
She took pity on him and grinned, “Doctor, what if our visit started this whole thing you’re talking about avoiding? Like you said about ‘fixed points’?”
The Doctor shook his head, “No. This isn’t Fixed. It’s in Flux.”
Donna rolled her eyes at him, “I figured that bit. What I mean is what if our visit would always be the start of what you were trying to avoid. So, if we came here a thousand years ago or six months from now, this would happen to us, because we’re the ones that start it.”
The Doctor processed that for a few moments and then grinned broadly at her, “Donna! You’re brilliant! That is entirely plausible.”
She smiled softly and blushed a little.
He signed, “Doesn’t change things much, though. We’ll still have to…”
She nodded, “I know, but I was hoping you’d stop blaming yourself for not getting the time right. Not everything is your fault, Doctor.”
He smiled at her and nodded, “Okay. Not everything is my fault.”
The fact was this was all a bit of procrastination on his part. He simply did not want to do this, as much for Donna’s sake as his own. He was terrified he might hurt her and he shuddered as he thought about the different ways he might have to touch her, or that she’d want to touch him.
Even though they were not touching, Donna felt the Doctor shudder and so asked, “Hey, you all right?”
He swallowed thickly and nodded.
At that, she knew something was wrong because he did not reply with his usual gusto. She smiled at him, took his hand and led him to the bed. She made sure he was standing with the back of his legs against the bed and then rested her hands on his shoulders, putting a bit of pressure on them to encourage him to sit. All of this was done without a word and as he sat, the Doctor raised an eyebrow at her. She simply shook her head in reply and then took the loose tie off his neck. She slowly and calmly unbuttoned his jacket, like she had many times before when he had fought off sleep for too long and she was forcing him to bed. Once removed, she took the jacket and the tie and draped them over the stool that was still sitting near the bed. Donna then returned to his side and sat down. Finally she spoke, “We have until dawn, right?”
He numbly nodded.
“Good,” she said and he looked at her a bit surprised, “Then we can take our time. We don’t have to rush too much.”
The Doctor sighed deeply, “I’d rather not do it at all.”
Donna was about to reply when there was the sound of a sliding door. A tray of food and drink slid into the room, then the door shut again. Donna had not eaten anything since the ‘binding ceremony’ took place that morning. She smiled excitedly and jumped off the bed. She rushed over to the tray, picked it up and brought it to one of the bedside tables. Setting it down she looked at the Doctor, “Do you think it’s safe to eat?”
He looked at it; many of the fruits looked surprisingly like Earth foods. But, there were a few of fruits present that couldn’t be found in the universe anymore except for in the TARDIS gardens. He sighed, “So that’s how they’ll know.”
Donna backed away from the tray as if it had bit her, “Know what?”
He met her eyes, “The food is replicated and it will be safe for you to eat. They somehow can tap into our minds… which is exceptionally impressive, considering I’m a Time Lord.”
Donna lifted one of the lids and found a meal had been prepared for her: chops and gravy.
Donna frowned, “No way.”
The Doctor met her eyes, “What’s wrong?”
She shrugged, “Nothing.”
The Doctor approached her, “That’s not a ‘nothing’ sort of face. If we’re going to do what we’re going have to, might as well be honest now.”
Donna swallowed, “I haven’t had chops and gravy since Gran died. It was the last meal she ever made for me and I just…” She took a shuddering breath. She could see his wheels were already turning trying to figure out what was going on.
Finally, he sighed, “Lift the other one, please?”
She did and pulled a face as she looked at the food there. The Doctor sighed again, “As I thought.”
Donna spoke up, “Well, I recognize the chips, but what’s that other thing? It smells awful.”
The Doctor offered a sad smile, “J'em Hadar.”
She looked back up at him, “What?”
His smile became a bit less sad and walked over to join her, “It’s the Gallifreyan equivalent to ‘steak’ and the chips are… chips.”
Donna watched him, “I thought you said Gallifrey was destroyed.”
He nodded and she looked at the food and back at him, “Then how did… Oh. My. God!”
He took her hand, “Donna, breathe.”
After the Doctor gave Donna a few moments, he spoke, “They are in our heads. I can’t tell when they gained access. And that’s saying something, since I’ve built-in defenses against such things.”
She swallowed, “So what you were saying about being in my head when we… They’re in my head too and so will know. Do they know what we’re thinking and saying right now?”
He shrugged, “I honestly don’t know. But their intentions for using it aren’t to harm us, or they wouldn’t have been able to know my favorite foods. More likely they simply know things that have created a strong emotional response and they are making judgment calls based on it.”
She did not look comforted by that, so he continued, “The last meal your Gran made for you… creates a strong emotional response for you. Anything to do with Gallifrey does for me.”
She smirked, “And the chips?”
He shrugged, “Reminds me of Earth. No other place in the universe has anything quite like them,” he grinned as he popped one in his mouth.
She smiled and teased him quietly, “So that’s why you’re always saving us, the chips?”
He took a breath, glad for the release of tension, “Well, you can’t have great chips without the people who know how to make them.”
They both giggled lightly at that.
Donna sighed after a few moments, “Well, I’m famished and it should be safe, right? I mean if they want us to do this, it’s not like they’ll try to kill us yet.”
The Doctor shook his head, “No, not unless we haven’t achieved it by dawn.”
Donna rolled her eyes at him, “Killjoy! I’m digging in, you may as well too.”
He could not help the small smile that appeared. Then he picked up the tray and moved it to the small table on the other side of the room, near the window. He smiled at her, “If we’re going to do this, may as well do it right.”
She offered a wry grin and joined him at the table. He set everything out and even lit the candles that were present there. They began to eat in companionable silence. Donna noted that the Doctor was not eating his Gallifreyan Steak, and he noticed she was not touching her chops and gravy. She smiled hesitantly, “So… I will if you will.”
He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. She gestured to the meat on their plates. He blushed slightly, “Okay.”
They both cut into the meat at the same time. After they had taken a few bites, each from their respective meats, Donna looked across at the Doctor. He had a tear sliding down his cheek. She debated if she should comment or not, finally opting to say nothing. In an effort to distract him from thinking about Gallifrey, she decided to speak, “Doctor, can I ask you something?”
The Doctor smiled, “Like I said, considering what will happen, honesty’s the best right now. I’ll answer whatever you ask. The only thing I ask is you do the same.”
Donna nodded and became sheepish. She focused on cutting her Chops and asked without looking at him, “Have you ever done it with someone from Earth?”
The Doctor had just put a piece of meat into his mouth and chewed it thoughtfully before he responded, “No.”
Her jaw dropped, “What never? You’re nine-hundred and some odd years old and… never?”
He shrugged, “You’ve seen my life, it’s not like I have the time.”
She still couldn’t believe it, “But, this can’t be the first time you’ve been in a situation like this.”
He smirked with a bit of irony, “It’s first time I couldn’t talk my way out of it, or somehow fake it.”
Donna nodded, understanding the Doctor’s reply. They both finished their meal in companionable silence. They stacked their dishes on the tray, retaining some of the fruits and returned the tray near the small sliding door where it had appeared. A few moments later, the tray was taken and another slid in. Donna smiled, there was an assortment of drinks: coffee, tea and water, along with various sweet and desserts. They returned to their table and sorted the desserts among themselves. She took coffee and he had tea. When they were settled, she met his eyes, “Can you explain to me how all this happened? I mean, I remember it… but Earth Girl, so I don’t quite understand it.”
The Doctor nodded, this time there was no reproach about her knowledge. In some ways, it was difficult for him to understand, so he could not fault her. He took a breath, “Well, it has a bit to do with your hair, actually.”
She rolled her eyes, “Oh come on! Is there anywhere in the universe where red heads aren’t discriminated against?”
He chuckled, “Compared to the folks here, your hair’s not red.”
She looked at him with a shocked expression.
The Doctor stood and offered Donna his hand. When she didn’t take it, he twiddled his fingers invitingly. She smirked and took his hand. He led her to the window and started pointing out some of the people, “Red is the dominant hair color here. But browns and blacks are a close second.”
She looked out and then pointed to her head, “Yeah, well, red!”
He shook his head and pointed again, “No, that is red. You have orange. And orange is a color that doesn’t even exist on this planet. They don’t even have a word for it.”
She pulled a face, “I thought red was bad… but orange, really?”
He smiled, “Madness isn’t it?” He paused for breath, “The point is: you have a color of hair they’ve never seen before. And single men and women don’t travel together. And you’re still of child-bearing age. And mrumph…”
He could not continue as she had covered his mouth with her hand, “I get it, Time Boy, I’m a goddess and the fruit of my womb will bring blessings to their planet.” She removed her hand from his mouth as she spoke.
He nodded, “Basically, yeah.”
Donna smirked, “The whole universe over and blokes in charge are still that: blokes!” She paused, “So how did death get wrapped up in it?”
The Doctor nodded and took a deep breath, “Well, that’s simple.”
She raised an eyebrow and he replied, “You said yourself, ‘blokes.’ What do blokes do with false prophets?”
Donna nodded, then a look of confusion came about her, “Wait a minute, are you saying if I don’t get pregnant that they’ll think I’m a false prophet and kills us?”
The Doctor shook his head, “No. I explained basic human biology to them. But, if you don’t get pregnant, then every few months they will put you through this until you conceive. And if you refuse then you will be taken as a false prophet and put to death.”
Donna met his eyes, “And you?”
The Doctor shrugged, “Don’t worry about me.”
Donna gave him a look, “Doctor. Please. Tell me.”
He swallowed thickly, “I will be given three days to settle with you, after that time, I will be taking into custody until enough time has passed to determine if you are pregnant or not. If you are not….”
She gasped, “No!”
The Doctor rested his hands on her shoulders, “Donna, it’s okay. It won’t happen, so don’t worry.”
“But, Doctor,” she swallowed, “How can you be so sure?”
He grinned, “Because the TARDIS will be our home, of course.”
A small smile appeared on Donna’s lips, then she frowned, “Bit barbaric, aren’t they? I mean, if we don’t do this, they kill me, if we do and I don’t get pregnant, they kill you.”
The Doctor nodded, “Well, for all it’s beauty, they struggle to survive here and you are part of their hope right now.”
She spoke flippantly, “Well I guess if those are our only options,” she looked him up and down, “I guess you’ll do.”