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“I’m going to die, Wataru.”
Wataru pauses, the half-peeled apple resting caged between graceful, dexterous long fingers.
To Eichi, he stutters. At least, that’s what it seems like - Eichi would like to think that by now, with what feels like a lifetime next to this fascinating man under his belt, he might know that for certain. He doesn’t.
Wataru recovers quickly, just like always. So quickly, in fact, one might call it inhuman.
“What, pray tell, has brought up this line of conversation, your Majesty?”
Eichi gives himself a moment to relish in the way Wataru’s voice comes out sounding measured. Not tight, but focused. He doesn’t get to hear it very often, after all, not when Wataru is an actor born for the stage, so it means he’s caught Wataru off-guard, even if just for a fleeting instant.
Wataru’s continued to peel the apple, shaving away at the waxy red skin. Briefly, Eichi wonders where he’d gotten it, a single glance towards the nightstand next to his cot answering his question.
Ah…another fruit basket. Tori must have dropped by while I was asleep. What a shame. I would have enjoyed a chat with him.
The sound of quiet peeling comes to a halt, and Eichi opens his eyes to see Wataru flicking open a pocketknife, one that he must have snuck past the hospital security with ease.
Wataru slices up a few chunks, carving at the rest of the fruit with a practiced precision Eichi finds himself instinctually admiring, rearranging the pieces like he’s done this a million times before.
He gets so fervently caught up in watching Wataru expertly create a small dove-shaped apple that it only occurs to him he’d forgotten to respond when Wataru presents the thing to him, like he’s leaving offerings at Eichi’s grave.
Eichi takes it from him, cradling the bird gently in his palms. It’s good that he can hold it properly, without his hands shaking like they were yesterday - he wouldn’t want to drop something Wataru’s given him on the dull tiles of the room.
“I suppose I would tell you, but that should be more than obvious to you right now, Wataru.”
“Hm. I do have a few speculations, but I don’t believe I can be absolutely certain unless I hear it directly from the source, can I?”
There’s no pressure behind the lighthearted, casual tone Wataru uses, a way of telling to Eichi that he’s in no way obligated to speak his mind if he doesn’t feel up to it. Eichi still can’t help but feel a bit exposed, like Wataru is prying into his thoughts.
Well, Eichi can’t really say anything about that. He’d only be a hypocrite at best, with how nosy he seems to get when it comes to whatever Wataru’s thinking.
Still, Eichi has been in this terribly bleak room for three days, and he’s not particularly keen on passing up the opportunity to get in another few precious moments with his beloved, not when he’s constantly running on borrowed time, so he doesn’t mind. Not when it’s Wataru, at least.
“I was just thinking about how quickly time passes. It’s already winter again.”
Eichi turns his head to look out the window. It’s started snowing again, far lighter than it had been last week.
He’s sure it’d be nice to feel the snowflakes falling onto his face, although Keito would probably rather get hit by a semi-truck than let Eichi do anything of the sort.
He’d gotten sick again, somehow, the cold somehow reaching through his layers and layers of clothing and vitamin supplements and medications and every other defense he has, and violently throttling his weak immune system.
That’s what the doctor had told him, at least, though Eichi would prefer to believe that he’s simply destined to wind up spending a third of the year holed up inside this miserable hospital room through some kind of malignant curse.
The irony of it doesn’t escape Eichi, that winter seems to despise him even when he has some strange, lingering fondness for it.
New Year’s celebrations will be starting soon, in about three days or so if Eichi’s mental calendar is still working alright. He should be out of the hospital by his birthday, at least, but it’s a pity he’ll have to miss the festivities.
Wataru’s started to peel an orange this time, carefully ripping it open with his nails. They’re a shade of silvery-blue that matches his hair, which he’d bundled back earlier before working on the fruit.
“I’d never even imagined I’d make it to twenty. I’m more than grateful, yet I just can’t help but wonder when my luck will have finally run its course.”
Something solemn crosses over Wataru’s features for a moment.
“I suppose I should play the part of the horribly flustered lover, and tell you to stop thinking such things with a passionate monologue, sweeping you into my arms, shouldn’t I? As it stands, however, I’m quite certain you understand the sentiment far better than I could ever hope to show you.”
Wataru isn’t wrong - Eichi knows the tempting pull of the other side intimately, even if he’s yet to fall to it. He’s been in more than enough life-threatening situations, but he’s still alive, isn’t he?
To be honest, Eichi is a little jealous of Wataru. He’s always been and continues to be, probably always will be - Wataru is young, energetic, filled with life and talent and capability and so many other things Eichi wishes he could have even a sliver of. Most importantly, however, Wataru is not dying.
His overwhelming passion and desire for the man, however, greatly outweighs Eichi’s moments of envy by far. Eichi has wished for so many things in his life, has desperately chased after so much, and yet he’s never ached for something so badly before as he has for Wataru.
He doesn’t quite understand his own yearning, either. Wataru has already pledged to Eichi his very existence, and yet he still continues to long for him. It pleases and terrifies him both, the thought that he’ll always feel this way.
Eichi waves away at him. “No. I’d prefer you to be blunt and honest with me, over acting like I’m a poor child who needs to be pitied.”
Wataru frowns ever so slightly at that, a hint of displeasure reaching up to his eyes. “My concern for you is the truth, your Majesty. What kind of humble servant would I be, let alone a lover, to feel so coldly towards the one and only object of my affections?”
He sets the meticulously skinned orange aside, reaching for Eichi’s hand.
“Eichi, I implore you, I must know - are you content?”
Are you content?
…Well, of course I am. fine is prospering, the love of my life is forever by my side, and despite all odds, I’m alive, even if I’m not quite well.
Of course, I have things to complain about too, but isn’t that simply a natural part of being human?
“I…suppose.”
“Then why, my love, do you speak as if you’re guessing at another’s mind? Call me selfish and pelt me with beans if you must, but I cannot help but wish that you could be as honest with me as I do my best to be to you.”
Wataru is once again saying outlandish things, because how could Eichi ever brand him as self-serving and despicable again, when all he wants from Eichi is the bare minimum?
It’s funny, how previously Eichi had pleaded desperately with him for honesty, over and over again in their highschool years, insecure and worried to death Wataru would leave, and yet he can’t seem to reciprocate. He truly has been pushing Wataru to his limits, hasn’t he, and oh, how he wishes for nothing more than to throw his weak body at Wataru’s feet and beg for forgiveness. No matter how amazing Wataru is, he is still human, and Eichi had already forgotten once before.
“Be kind to yourself, my dear. I can practically hear you tormenting yourself.”
Eichi sighs with effort, a long, weary noise that he hadn’t even known he’d had in him.
He feels so much older than twenty, and for a moment he wonders if this is how Tsumugi feels. Maybe Eichi will find time to pay him a visit when he gets discharged.
(If he gets discharged, something in the back of his mind nags. When, Eichi has to remind himself, not resolutely in the slightest.)
“You won’t be put off, will you?”
“With you? Never.”
Wataru clasps his palms around Eichi’s, intertwining their fingers together, gently and lovingly. Eichi would have never dared to dream of any of this two or three years ago.
“I’m…I’m more than thankful for everything I have. It’s just that I’m constantly reminded I’ll have to lose it all before I’m ready to let go, and this time, I can’t do a single thing about it.”
Wataru squeezes his hand.
“Does that scare you, Eichi?”
“Of course it does!”
The words float between them for a minute or so before Wataru retracts an arm to prop up on the bed and rest his head on, looking towards Eichi.
“May I ask you a question, my dear?”
Eichi slumps back into the cot.
“Go ahead.”
“If you could do anything, anything in the world, without a care for time nor restraints, what would you do?”
Eichi’s a little taken by surprise by that, he’ll admit, with the sudden inquiry. It seems like he discovers a new side of his beloved every other interaction - well, he enjoys it thoroughly, so he has no complaints.
He hums. “There are a lot of things to choose from, aren’t there? I think I’d like to wait a bit until fine goes on hiatus for whatever reason, continue my studies, see the world, whatever things normal people do. Perhaps we could take fine overseas? Ah, but we wouldn’t need to rush anything at all - I imagine taking it slowly would be wonderful.”
Wataru listens to him ramble, almost reverently, drowning in Eichi’s fantasies, holding onto him all throughout.
“What then, your Majesty?”
“Afterwards…I’m not really sure. I suppose I’d figure it out along the way, then - it’d be half the fun, I imagine.”
“Well-spoken, my love. Allow me to indulge in some curiosity, but what exactly might you do after the curtains on fine’s stage come to a close?”
“Ah, I’ve thought about that. I don’t believe I could bear to walk away from idols entirely, so perhaps I’d start working solely behind the scenes instead. Even watching them brings me energy, you know. Shiratori-kun is adorable to see bouncing off the walls of our room.”
“That sounds perfectly pleasant. What else, Eichi? We may not have all the time in the world, but as long as you allow me to remain by your side, I’d love nothing more than to listen to you.”
The answer comes to the forefront of Eichi’s mind in an instant. He can’t stop the edge of his lips from curling up into a pleased smile at the thought.
“Well,” Eichi teases, “I have something in mind.”
Wataru looks up at him with a faux-pitiful expression, eyes wide like a kicked puppy. Even as exaggerated as it is, it’s terribly endearing. Wataru truly does have an iron-tight grip on his poor heart, it seems.
“Oh, Eichi, do tell! You wouldn’t dare leave me hanging, would you? What, my dear, are you thinking of?”
“I’d marry you, of course.”
Eichi’s always had something of an active imagination, so it’s no surprise that visions of a laughing, smiling Wataru in white with a gleaming silver band around his finger spring to mind especially easily.
It’s something he’s thought about before, countless times. Without a doubt, it’s one of the greatest dreams Eichi has ever dreamed, alongside growing old and becoming a beloved idol.
Living a normal life is something he’s always wanted, in the recesses of his mind, but never quite been able to reach out for - and what an ironic coincidence it’d been, for Eichi to fall in love with someone the exact opposite of normalcy.
It’s not to say Eichi doesn’t absolutely savor each and every moment he gets with Wataru, because it wouldn’t be true. Many concepts of average life don’t apply to either of them, and it’s all the more exciting for it.
However, Eichi, at his core, is and always has been a greedy man. He constantly covets that which he does not have, and though Keito’s told him it’s a filthy habit before, it’s never led him astray before, has it?
More than that, Eichi longs to give back to Wataru, to overload and return his affections with all the beauty and brightness that Wataru’s shown to him. If it were possible, Eichi is near-certain he would get down on one knee and present Wataru with the world. To do that, he’d need to have the world in his possession first.
Wataru’s cheeks go a beautiful shade of pink, like sakura trees in full bloom. His eyes widen a bit, entrancing lilac caught by surprise, and he smiles, a little less put-together and imperfectly-perfect all the same. It makes Eichi’s heart skip a beat, like a young girl confessing to her crush, as his heart monitor points out.
“What…a lovely thought that is, Eichi. I…to be honest, I’m not quite sure how to react to that.”
Wataru looks a little more human like this. If they were older and wiser (and married, Eichi wishes), maybe he’d look this way more often.
“Then you don’t have to. You shouldn’t have to force yourself around me, Wataru, not if I’m going to have you by my side for eternity.”
Wataru hums.
“Forgive me, dear. I’m simply not so used to this...and, well, for the record, my love, I’d like to marry you myself.”
There’s a certain high that comes with Wataru’s words, softly-spoken and tender. It makes Eichi feel the same way as he does on stage, at the end of a show, flustered and exhilarated, and happy.
Eichi reaches forward, to touch Wataru’s face, maybe to kiss him, when he almost falls out of the cot, his legs refusing to move properly, if at all. How strange - only a second ago, he could’ve sworn he’d been kicking absentmindedly. He makes a noise or two of surprise.
As Wataru helps him back onto it, Eichi observes the way his arms move, strong and steady, as compared to his own, trembling from a recent flare-up.
As if.
His short-lived balloon of joy pops as he watches himself, weak and pathetic, falling back down to earth, reality slapping him in the face.
He looks up at the ceiling, resignation quickly settling down into his bones.
“...They’re just dreams, anyways. Don’t concern yourself with them.”
“But they’re your dreams, Eichi.”
Eichi laughs, bitterly.
“What do my dreams matter, when I can’t even stand up at all some days? When I know my body won’t ever catch up? When I know I’m going to die? Tell me, Wataru, please.”
“...Eichi, how are you feeling?”
Like shit, Eichi wants to say.
Instead, he says, “Tired.”
“Would you like to rest?”
“No.”
“In that case, please close your eyes for a moment.”
Because he’s so exhausted, Eichi complies without a second thought. Honestly, if Wataru were to pull a knife on him, here and now, Eichi probably wouldn’t mind at all. In fact, he might even help.
When Wataru places a hand on Eichi’s shoulder a second or so later, closer than Eichi had remembered, he opens his eyes again and sees the sky.
He hadn’t realised it’d gotten so late - it looks around seven or eight at night, although the days in winter are shorter, so maybe it’s a few hours earlier.
They’re on the roof of the hospital, he notices. The snow has stopped, and Wataru is leaning next to him.
“What do you think, Eichi?”
“...The stars are beautiful from here.”
“They are, aren’t they? The view is far more breathtaking with a companion, in my opinion, but that’s besides the point right now.”
Eichi wants to ask him why he’s brought them up here, but he doesn’t. Wataru seems to hear it anyway.
“To answer your question, my love…to be honest, I’m not sure. I wish that I knew, in the hopes of providing a remedy to your suffering.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t mean it, so you don’t need to worry.”
“It’s still important to you, isn’t it?”
“How is it, Wataru, that you always seem to be able to read my mind?”
“I suppose you could call it intuition.”
“...That must be nice.”
“You’d be surprised.”
Eichi leans his head over onto Wataru’s shoulder. The stars really do shine brighter in winter.
“I’m not truly magical, Eichi. I can’t take away your illness.”
“I know. I wouldn’t want you to, even if you could.”
“You hadn’t let me finish, dear. While I can’t fix your health, or ensure you live on to old age, there is one thing I can do for you, at this very moment.”
“And what might that be?”
Wataru takes Eichi’s hand in his, the touch warm and gentle. He smiles again, serenely.
“Eichi, my love, the emperor of my heart, will you marry me?”
In the blink of an eye, a vibrant, yellow rose appears in Wataru’s other hand, offered to Eichi.
Eichi, for his part, blinks.
Weariness turns to confusion, turns to shock, then to incoherency, and finally…
“I- Yes, Wataru, God, of course I’ll marry you.”
Eichi’s fingers seem to remember how to work again as he reaches to accept the flower, fragrant and beautiful in his hands.
He’s still processing whatever had just happened when Wataru leans in to kiss him, passionate but quick.
“What- What in the world, Wataru?”
Wataru cups Eichi’s face in his palms.
“When I promised every fiber of my being to you, Eichi, I’d meant each word of it. If I can turn your dreams into reality, I will.”
“We can’t even get married in Japan.”
“Then we’ll simply have to do it somewhere else, wherever you choose!”
“You wouldn’t regret it? I’d hate it if we went through all of that just to end up separated.”
“When it comes to you, I don’t believe I’m capable of it.”
Eichi’s running out of excuses, he knows, but he can’t bring himself to believe it.
“We’re only twenty.”
“Which is perfectly legal! If the timing is your concern, I would happily wait for you for the rest of eternity, Eichi.”
Eichi can’t stop the smile forming on his face.
“No, that’s alright. I’ve had enough of waiting to have you.”
“Amazing! How about next week?”
Wataru is practically sparkling, just as bright as the actual stars above them.
“That’d be wonderful. We can go, and Keito will have our heads for it.”
Eichi laughs, and Wataru tuts at him.
“He won’t lay a finger on you, Eichi, and we both know it.”
“You’re right. He’ll have your head.”
“You needn’t worry at all, my dear! I’m not so out of practice as to be bested by him just yet.”
“Of course. Shall I book the flights?”
“All in due time, love. I’ll start on the guest list.”
Even though it’s a little chilly out, Eichi doesn’t feel it at all. Wataru is the warmest person he’s met, so there’s no surprise. He leans into Wataru a little further.
Wataru’s question from earlier, are you content, comes back to the forefront of Eichi’s mind as he gazes at the night sky.
It isn’t as if his problems have just gone away - Eichi is still sick, and he’s still going to die sooner than he should.
But here he is anyway, sitting next to his beloved (fiance, now) and watching stars in midwinter.
So, yes, he’s content. Then again, probably not for long, as Eichi will always want more. It’s fine - so long as Wataru is next to him, it will all work out, one way or another.