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It wasn't too bad at first. Tolerable, for Goh's standards. He was able to lean at the side of the train carriage for a few minutes, elbows against the handrail for support while quietly exchanging words of conversation with Ash when prompted. But he should have seen it coming. The storm was fast approaching in a few minutes, as the streetlamps flickered to life and the office buildings dimmed, to welcome the apartment windows glowing in the skyline.
Besides, he'd been slightly distracted by attempting to focus on Ash on the phone with Professor Cerise. The sight was embarrassingly endearing to Goh as he discreetly watched Ash's eyebrows furrow at his rotom, like he was really trying to remember what train ticket type he booked this morning. To Goh, it was weirdly a charming part of his admittedly unexpected maturity to be so responsible about these things now.
"... I swore I picked a seat booth for us with a window... yeah, the ticket lady said we only have regular tickets so we're standing in the main carriage..." Ash's brown eyes suddenly flick away from the space he was staring off into, instead down to Goh's. It took Goh a heartbeat of realisation just as their eyes briefly met. He snapped and averted his gaze away, cheeks burning. Goh hadn't allowed himself to find Ash's reaction, but his ears picked up a slight delay in Ash's voice before talking to the professor again.
He was just glad for the interruption as he heard the muffled sounds across the call of I'll send you a screenshot... so for Ash to become preoccupied. Like for the past 10minutes they've been in the carriage, he re-settled his gaze out of the wide window across him, noticing how they were fast approaching the next station. It would have been nice to sit down for this journey especially for how heavy Goh's eyes felt—but he's been able to survive almost 4 years of, catching, researching, battling and increased social interaction thanks to Ash so he tells himself he can cope.
4 years. He replays in his head. How long his life has become casually dominated by the battle chaos, sharing of bunk beds, and running from region to region. The privledge to witness Ash's good heart, his kindness and endless desire to help anyone. It still takes Goh aback in awe of his stubborness, he's never been one to stand down and let things happen. "You're stubborn too you know", Chloe's voice popped to his mind.
But Goh has to admit how Ash's stubbornness seemed to stem from something more loving, more pure. It's never for his own desire, it's always to do someone else.
Sometimes he's in disbelief how he's somehow kept his fond gazes for Ash hidden and his reaction to their touches unfazed...until, well recently.
Goh leans his head back against the carriage, frowning for a moment. He doesn't like to think about it, especially how much he regretted telling Chloe anything at that point—but it's hard to ignore that things have been...slightly awkward between him and Ash lately. It's something he hates to admit, the adjective unusable in any normal context of him. Ever since a week ago, the enthusiasm he's used to from Ash has been narrowed down to something softer, a little more reserved and cautious. The memory makes Goh's face burn again just picking up fragments of it.
It had been a normal morning for them to visit Hoenn to investigate the growing number of mysterious pokemon sightings. Goh was chatting animatedly to Ash about it, who responded in equal measure as usual. He was feeling that usual warm way he did after he spoke to Ash and felt more relaxed than usual even as Chloe strolled in to get some snacks for college. "What are you guys chatting about?"
Ash immediately turned and beamed at her in such a way, an amused smile tugged involuntarily on Goh's lips. "What we're doing at Hoenn today! And also the nice food we're gonna plan on getting."
Goh laughed fondly. "We never spoke about that.", but looked eager to do so. Chloe had been looking between them in Goh's peripheral vision, he could tell. But he was too busy smiling towards Ash looking smug he was right after having argued with pikachu, of the fact they definitely had gone to a ramen shop in Hoenn before. Suddenly it all came out of nowhere when Chloe had slipped into one of the stools next to him.
"Hey, Ash" Goh picked up her tone of voice like she was going to ask a personal question and immediately threw her a suspicous look she ignored blissfully. She continued looking at Ash across them who was looking at her questioningly. "Speaking of food, Goh's been wanting to ask you for something lately..."
"What is it?" Ash and Goh simultaneously responded, Ash with confusion and Goh with an exasperated warning glare to her. He couldn't tell what she was up to but he was helpless against her drive now. Pikachu sensed the upcoming tension and gave Grookey inhaling his pokemon food a pointed look before scampering out the door.
Chloe picked her bag up and set it on her lap, shifting through it casually, not looking at them. "What are you doing for Valentines this year?" That's when the remnants of the conversation Goh had with her the night before began drifting back to him in horror. It took all of his resolve to not shove her out of her chair right now.
Instead Ash just looked even more confused. "What's that got to do with food?"
Oh bless him, Goh thought despite it all.
He realised he just had been sitting temporarily paralysed, allowing to Chloe take wheel with this dangerous conversation. Sudenly the floodwaves of annoyance took over and he quickly gave her a meaningful shove by the shoulder. Yet, even after her yelp of surprise she had the audacity to him a deadpan look. "It's fine—" Goh gabbled, scrambling to close it down before she could reveal worse. Ash blinked between them.
"Uh..." Ash began undecidedly, looking uncomfortable. Goh almost didn't want to know his answer to Chloe's question. They've had years of blissfully sailing past the day and he wants to keep it that way. Ignorant because he selfishly can't stand the thought Ash could be with someone else.
"Might have to change your plans. Someone," She nudged Goh's elbow pointedly who stared right back at her. "is waiting for you to ask them to take them out that day." She chugged down the rest of the strawberry milk Goh didn't even know she had been drinking, set the glass back on the counter and slipped out the stool with her bag as if nothing happened.
Ash was a bit oblivious, sure. But to that extent to not get Chloe's implication Goh wasn't certain.
A few moments later they both heard the door slam of the lab. Silence seemed to be Chloe's parting gift that hung in the dining room, unwelcomed. He heard Ash suck in a breath. It was so unbearable to Goh all of a sudden, that the thought of trying to catch Ash's face was enough to make him sick.
The only sounds left was the crunching of Grookey's pokemon food. Goh turned subtly, pleadingly to him for emotional support, and for the inability to look anywhere else right now. Grookey however seemed to finally notice the tension in the room as soon as his trainer did so. Noticing the panic on Goh's face, he thoughtfully scrambled outside the door flap after licking his bowl clean.
Well great.
There wasn't much use to Goh sitting here in painful silence, so he rose from his chair shakily without a backwards glance, sliding up Chloe's empty glass as he went. The rest of the milk trickled into the sink as he rinsed it and set it to dry. He took a deep breath. "I'll be down in 5 and we can set off soon." Without allowing Ash to respond, Goh charged out the room and up the stairs, managing to come out 20minutes later.
They didn't speak of it again on the way to Hoenn.
"Goh...Goh?—"
"Oh— there you are, c'mon!" Goh was jolted back into reality by his arm being physically pulled into Ash's proximity.
For a moment he felt that betrayal of colour rise to his cheeks in protest to move away, but then Goh found himself recoiling back to Ash in a heartbeat. Suddenly there was a stuffed carriage full of energy-drained passengers standing lifelessly in the carriage with them. How long had he been spacing out for? Everyone seemed to be swinging rhythimically in the momentum of the train while holding onto the hand grippers above their heads. It took all of Goh's efforts not to groan in frustration.
He heard a low chuckle above him, and it was a heart-clutching reminder of their closeness that froze Goh to his spot. Ash was smiling down at him softly, as if he was guessing Goh's emotions. Even the way he was grinning at him right now was a further threat to Goh's heart.
Ash scratched his cheek beginning to look sheepish now he had Goh's attention, one hand secured on the rail behind him. "Sorry. Turns out the Professor was right—I booked the wrong ticket."
Goh could only curve his lips up tiredly in response, murmuring it's okay. Truly, it was though. Something about Ash's prescence next to him alone was so familiar and yet electrifying at the same time, it exhausted Goh further. It's like all the feelings he had contained for Ash sometimes get released in a flurry he can't control. "Good thing I warned Pikachu about the train." Ash mutters. "He would have hated this." Goh could only agree since Grookey was insistent on staying in his ball for the ride.
They stand for a few minutes, and Goh tries to ignore the many times Ash's hand would instinctively reach out to catch Goh from a potential fall forward if the train jolted too quickly. It made his cheeks tingle whenever he noticed those fingers return regretfully to fists at Ash's sides.
But after 10minutes, more and more people have entered the train. They crowded the empty carriages, with leather footware, fur jackets and long trailing scarves invading the eye line of the window. With nothing else to look at, Goh found himself succumbing into a state of drowsiness as he found himself getting closely pressed up against Ash. Eventually, the side of his face was close enough to just lean against the space between Ash's shoulder and his neck. It was almost instinctive, inviting.
Granted he would rather reincarnate into a magikarp than catch himself doing what he's doing now—but it just happens.
Besides, in his defence, it was inevitable with how Ash had to constantly be the human embodiment of warmth and equally inevitable how Goh could resist it. The childish earthy smell of Ash combined with an strong fragrance to cover it up sent a wave of nostalgia and indescribable sadness onto Goh.
As soon as Goh moves into him, he feels Ash jolt away slightly above him, and cringes for a moment in realisation. Holy arceus, what is he doing?!
But what flicked a sense of initial fear in Goh dissapated, when Ash's arm hesitantly enclosed around his shoulders in a half embrace towards him.
He sucked in a breath. It took a chunk of Goh's self control to keep himself neutral, but he couldn't resist a small smile hidden from Ash's view. If he remembered what happened with Chloe a few days ago, he could feel her implied accusations of them creeping in—but when he felt Ash's fingers subtly move across his back, his trail of thoughts were absorbed. Instead, Ash just wrapped him in his irreplaceable warmth and Goh could forget everyone else around them waiting to get home too.
After a few minutes though, he felt a movement from Ash above him and his eyes flickered open self-conciously. He peered up and saw Ash's inquisitive face looking down at him. Out of embarrassment he was about to snap them shut, but Ash smiled again and he found himself watching for a second. There was something about Ash's face... it reminded Goh of autumn leaves, honey and chestnuts. His warmth seemed to cover every part of him and Goh found it beautiful.
Ash being oblivious to his revalation removed his loose hold from Goh's back carefully as he tried not to nudge into everyone surrounding them. "Are you still tired?" He broke eye contact and rested his chin on Goh's head for a moment lazily.
The contact moved away in a split second and Goh swore his internal systems malfunctioned within the time of the casual intimate touch. "I—I'm a little." He admitted, with all the voice he had left. Goh felt like he was in danger with his brimming heart, could take over at any time.
Ash nodded as if he understood. Then he was flicking round the crowded carriage suddenly as if he was looking for someone. Goh followed his gaze cautiously attempting to avoid the eyes of the strangers curiously watching them. Those auburn eyes suddenly lit up and Goh's sight immediately shot back to him, like Ash's eyes attracted him back.
He was adjusting his bag and grinned wickedly at Goh. "Come with me." Then without warning, Goh felt a series of coarse fingers slip through the gaps in his and his breath caught on his question. But he was already being helplessly pulled along by the comforting heat of Ash's hand who winded through the crowd. They parted for them like Ash was the divider of a sea. He raptured everyone in the carriage for at least a second before returning back to their screens— and he could see why when his smile so heart-stopping to Goh as he approached a woman at the carriage door.
"Hi. Can I book one of your carriage cabins please?"
She blinked, looking momentarily surprised someone actually needed to request the help she had on offer. "Hello. Do you not have an online booking?"
Ash handed over his trainer ID while shaking his head. "Sorry no. But I'll pay the extra if you have any left." He suddenly felt a pull to the sleeve of his shirt as he handed it over. He turned to see Goh was obviously read to explode. She scanned it and glanced up at Goh for a moment, and Ash might have noticed her movement.
He gave their twinned hands a pointed lift in the air. The movement caused Goh to look down at their hands in horror while he wondered what the woman was thinking of them right now. "We're together." He assured her so she could pick the carriage space for two. Goh on the other hand groaned inwardly, wanting to face-palm because of Ash's obvliousness, or Goh's own ability to find the double meaning for everything.
She smiled and just continued tapping on her rotom tablet, leaving no comment. As she did, Goh felt he was going to combust if Ash didn't let go of his fingers in the twine of his. Subtly, he took the hand away regretfully, face burning as he tucked it in his pocket rummaging for nothing. He could feel Ash's eyes turn back around to for a moment but could have collapsed with relief when the attendee began to speak again.
"Alright. There's a few left." She showed Ash the screen who squinted at the prices, and Goh's jaw nearly dropped open. They were clearly the luxury cabins that were unnecessarily expensive that were left over. He turned his head back to their original space that had been taken up, I guess we have to stand someone where else for the ride. Goh thought to himself.
"I'll take it."
Goh's head spun back round at Ash's voice, and found him scanning his poké card to pay as he gave her a grateful nod. Before he knew it, Ash was dragging him through the door behind the attendee and they were standing between a hallway of Cabins. Gentle jazz music emulated throughout the speakers above they head, almost feeling like they were in a different train all together.
Ash marched forwards purposefully, ignoring Goh standing at the entrance shocked. When he came back to himself, Ash's stupid decison suddenly surfaced his mind. Angrily, Goh stormed up to him and suddenly grabbed Ash by the scruff of his winter jacket and yanked him down to his level, who looked both shocked and unsurprised.
"Are you out of your goddamn mind?! How did you think to pay for that?!" Goh exclaimed, exasperatedly, trying not to feel breathless from their proximity as realisation of it creeped in. Ash was looking at him passively, at if it was simple.
He unhooked Goh's hands that were clenching round his collar and something in Goh instantly cooled as he stared at Ash in surprise. "You're tired, Goh. I'm not letting us stand there for another 3hours." Goh was suddenly pulled along to a door nearby where Ash scanned his card on the doorframe to which it opened.
The cabin was simple, yet cosy and hugged away from city life. There was a warm lamp shade hanging above an oak tabletop which was enclosed by two booth's on either side. White fluffy blankets were draped across dark red leather seats and a few candles were precariously lit on the table so they flickered a warmth within the cabin that smelt of vanilla and cinnamon. Ash let go of Goh's hand, slipping onto one side of the seat to pull open the curtains. They were passing over a bridge and Goh felt his breath slip away when he could see the crescent moon in the distance hanging above the coast of Vermillion City.
He was secretly grateful for Ash's thoughtfulness. Something about the quiet jazz music in the background relaxed him and he felt more accepting of it now.
Goh clears his throat. He sits down quietly against the leather opposite, feeling relief and guilt flood his heart as Ash was settling himself down happily. "Thank you." Goh uttered, quietly. Ash glanced up. "You didn't have to spend that much." There was no reply as he fiddled with his fingers. "It seemed a lot above the budget Cerise gave us for this week. How did you get it?" He finally looked up, meeting Ash's eyes who had never seem to leave his, even if Goh did a lot.
"I took it out my own account as well, no big deal." Ash shrugged like it was no big deal. Goh was about to heavily protest because he couldn't imagine how much he would have lost with that but—
"Please." He lightly lifted his hand up to stop him speaking. "Let me treat you." Ash interrupted. The action and his words were so genuine to Goh it shut him up and made him blush like an idiot, so he just nodded.
"Okay." He replied, flustered. Leaning back against the booth seat comfortably, he took a good look at everything around them even if the wide window was begging for his attention. They drove past the horizon of the city, the red and orange lights stretched across the roads in every direction. "Its really lovely."
He turned back to Ash who was looking outside with him but immediately met his eyes with a simple smile. The candle was flickering a soft welcoming glow onto Ash's face, shadows dancing against his skin. Goh's heart involuntarily stammered and stumbled at the sight of it. How did he get to the stage where he couldn't even look at Ash's smile without turning to a mess? There was something charged about the air between them, and Goh felt Ash's foot under the table gently knock against his for a moment. But a large unexpected speaker announcement suddenly rung through their chests.
Hello passengers. We're experiencing minor delays from track repairs that will hopefully be fixed up soon. Updates will be given shortly.
Ash grinned as Goh swore under his breath at the sound, the speaker crackling like it was literally struggling under the effort. While he was distracted, Ash found this the perfect oppurtunity to reach down and push off his shoes, stretching them to rest on Goh's side of the booth. As Goh recognised this, he pulled a face at Ash's socks swaying next to him and pushed them away playfully. "Get your stinky feet off my side." He laughed, but Ash had already pulled out his rotom phone purposefully and loaded up the recent PWC battles to fix his eyes on for the next half an hour till his phone died.
Goh rolled his eyes, secretly unbothered. As he realised how much more awake he felt now, and pulled out his crossword book from his bag that Ash has gifted him for Christmas. There was something weirdly satisfying about all of this. Something simple that had been missing from their on the go nature. Where they just sat together in a cosy secluded area, music playing in the background, doing their own thing. But occasionally Goh would read out something like, Wait, what was Lugias signature move called again? And Ash would mumble uhhh, aeroblast without looking up, Goh scolding his head in realisation.
As predicted after half an hour, Goh was interrupted by Ash's loud groan from across him. He zoned back into reality and saw under his poised pencil he hadn't really finished yet—he must have been zoning out in between. Looking outside the window it was almost pitch black, the city shaded by trees and foliage surrounding the track instead. He informed Cerise when they'd be back, and when he finished typing looked up at Ash who had placed his dead rotom phone on the Table. His foot had curled towards Goh's side during his watching, something Goh tried not to be fazed by.
"You haven't finished that." Ash commented. Goh blinked down and nodded. "Do you want some help?"
"Sure."
Goh set the book between them and Ash finally sat up properly while his friend explained the way the words have to make sense so they interchange a letter with an adjacent word. But after attempting to carry on, Ash would keep forgetting the rules and grunted when Goh would rub his attempted Moltres out.
"Ash, look, Bulbasaur crosses over on this row we're doing." Goh stabs the page with his finger. "But Moltres doesn't have a A in it."
"What?! But what else could it be other than Bulbasaur?!" It was kind of amusing to Goh when Ash looked completely demotivated from this, leaning back dramatically with an exaggerated pout.
He groaned thearatically. "How do you even like this?!" His knee began shaking under the table and with his arms crossed. Despite everything Goh could only grin helplessly.
There wasn't much times Ash wasn't good at something and seeing him like this put Goh into amusement but also guilt. After a few seconds of reflection he glanced back up from his crossword book to notice Ash's flame-glazed eyes wandering off outside the window, the only light that was glowing amongst the darkened foliage. His chin was propped up in his palm, lost in thought.
Maybe Goh was staring a bit too long because Ash returned his eyes back, looking wonderingly back at him. Oh crap.
He snapped out of it, but with no where to run or rather no other effort to think, he took his chance. "Oh—Uh—" He gulped unsure of what he was going to say. Simply he could have said never mind. But something inside him was begging him to ask. "Can I do something—like, weird?"
Ash's caramelised skin gently glows under the lamp limelight as he tilts his head in curiousity. He seems to give Goh the invitation without much question.
Goh hopes he won't regret whatever he's gonna do right now. He stands up and the momentum of the train rocks causing him to walk like he's on a tightrope. It doesn't go ignored that Goh hears a chuckle as he stumbled into Ash's side of the booth.
As he entered the seat, their knees brushed. Goh sharply shot it back to himself as he looked out toward the window as nonchalant as possible. He found it hard to do that normally too when the candles danced so attractively across the side profile of Ash's face. Arceus. It's becoming a problem that he physically can't look away anymore.
When Ash turns and looks at Goh in the eye for the first time since he moved, Goh swore he felt his heart drop to his feet. He hopes he doesn't look as flustered as he feels. Ash simply looking at him and making him feel like this is just straight up embarrassing. "So...." Ash began. "What was the weird thing?"
Goh's instincts tell him to lie but he'd had enough of that for one day. He's only figuring out the answer for himself now. "Oh—I, uh. I just felt like I wanted to—" His fingers flex into his palms. "Sit here? As in next to you?"
Immediately he felt the cringe seeping in. With stiffness he shrunk back against the seat away from Ash's piercing but blinking gaze.
Suddenly, he felt a light-hearted punch to his shoulder and yelps in surprise. But he sees a goofy grin before he can look annoyed. "You're the weird one." Ash raises his eyebrows, eyes sparkling. Goh feels vivillon flutter in him as he rolls his eyes, acting unbothered.
"Oh shut up. I'll leave—" He begins, threateningly but Ash grabs his wrist and weighs him down immediately.
He gives him a smug smile. "No way. We both know you wanna stay."
Goh scowls because he hates that. He hates how he knows Ash is right. Because why would he ever want to leave this? Ash's phone and the crossword lay rejected on the table and they just stare mindlessly out the window acknowledging each other's prescence. As the trees blur past the window's navy sky Ash's face stands out the most against it, still flickering golden.
Honestly, Goh gets sick of how he has been unable to like a normal person around his best friend now. He likes Ash and the thought of expressing why he does, he likes the idea of holding his hand— but he despises the agonising reminder that he'll just have to live without knowing what all of that would be like. If that's the way it'll have to be, so be it. Because for the rest of his life he wants, needs Ash in it one way or another.
Thoughts like these make him nervous like the future does, and he tries to stop them flowing.
Goh sighs. It's never felt so much like he's been doing so much and so little to exhaust himself while he gets lost in thought. He attempt to lean against the seat comfortably his fingers winding through the white blanket. It felt nice to remind himself how an hour ago they were standing in the icy prescence of strangers, with their wet coats and deflated expressions. Now just witnessing the softness and warmth of this secluded area was beautiful— with Ash who was beside him being the source of it all.
It had been around 20 minutes that Goh realised he had been drifting into sleep when he felt a hard knock at his side. He jolted back into a drowsy consciousness and just about moved the weight of his head to see a red baseball cap on his shoulder.
His eyes widened and he felt more awake immediately. Something in him clenched for a moment as he realised their proximity, with Ash curled into his side and his head on his shoulder. Embarrassingly for Goh he wouldn't have stopped the contact. Though apparently the nervous bristles from Goh's side caused Ash to stir in his drowsiness. It took a few eye flickers— but then the soft presence beside Ash's arms and cheek was what caused him to shoot upwards in realisation.
Goh jumped back momentarily startled as much as Ash was. "Sorry!—Sorry Goh I—" Ash dragged his hand across his face and sighed rubbing his eyes. To brush it off further he stretched against his seat like a purrloin, struggling to keep his eyelids open while looking uncharacteristically flustered. "I should be.... looking out for the station." He decided on, resoutlely.
Goh was watching him curiously heat playing on his face. As it calmed down, something in him ignored to hear that voice in his head as he usually did. The cold empty space on hid shoulder was now more noticeable, begging to be filled. Glancing up at the digital clock across them the station shouldn't be due for another half an hour at least. As he looked back at Ash, his aching heart spoke instead as he reached for the bill of Ash's cap and gently lifted it off.
Ash made a little noise of surprise. "Hey what!—Goh?" He look confused but grinned immediately after like it was a game. He tried to make a playful grab at it across Goh's arm who just laughed. Instead, Goh placed it on the table infront of them and he shuts down his brain from thinking. He's been so tired of it.
Goh's hand reaches out and touches the otherwise of Ash's cheek facing the window, gently encouraging him back to his shoulder. He feels Ash's skin tense for a second under his touch and his brain begs him to recoil. But Goh can't resist. It doesn't take much prompting and Ash's head softly knocks back against his shoulder. He finds his hair slots more comfortably in the crevice of Goh's neck without his cap. The exhilarating and comfort of Ash back to him made Goh smile.
You don't need to do anything." He corrects Ash, gently. The quietness from Ash speaks volume and Goh can hear his own lovelorn voice speaking loudly. How can Ash not noticed it?
Goh smiles fondly. "You should relax." His fingers linger against the velvet of Ash's cheek for a fraction longer before moving away.
But it came as a shock to him when a hand makes a grab for them before he can take them back. They're stolen away to Ash's lap and all of a sudden the world feels still. It can wait for them, because Goh feels Ash's fingers lace into his and something inside him just absolutely blooms. It was like the memory of their flower field erupting into colour again within his chest. He can only dare to glance at the coarse marks of Ash's fingers wrapped into his and could just about breathe out in awe. Arceus, he thinks Is he being dramatic? Probably.
But dammit, does he realise how everything he's wanted to have in his life has been made possible thanks to his beautiful friend.
And yeah. Goh would be in denial to say he hadn't tried locking away his love for Ash many times over the past four years. Ash always seemed to find the key no matter what lock he had to pick.
It's like a secret that is hopelessly impossible to keep down at times when Ash is so full of life, and attracts Goh with charming ease. It's hard to keep him down in once place, so he values times like this. Maybe he won't be able to be by Ash's side forever which he knows will someday break him at the realisation when it actually happens. But all he can wish is that their friendship will blossom and stay. To see Ash happy was his priority, and that should be the end of it. He really wishes it was as simple as that. But he's starting to see as much as he loves the way Ash makes him feel, this affection for him has grown to the love of protecting him, to taking care of him.
He can feel the gentle rise and fall of Ash's breaths against his neck which steadies his mind, and when Goh turns and watches him—it just all dumps on him. A tidal wave of emotion crashes onto him and he has to physically withdraw himself from crossing boundaries he'll regret. He wants to hold Ash by his side like this forever and keep his heart from hurting.
I'm hopelessly stupidly in love. Goh thinks, defeated. I can't do anything about it either.
However a few seconds later he felt a soft pressure on his hand , and looked to see Ash's thumb gently rubbing the back of his hand. Something calms inside him for a moment, and he just watches quietly. Too entranced clearly that he doesn't tear his gaze away fast enough to realise Ash is looking up at him.
Goh's chest tightens. Is it something about his eyes? They're so soft and welcoming, like melted chocolate at home after a frosty day of travelling. Goh just stares back at him, wondering if Ash can feel the longing throb of his pulse in his neck. "Hey," Ash begins, voice low and soft. His eyes blink dreamily, half awake. "Are you okay?" His voice alone tugs at his heartstrings.
Goh smiles fondly, unable to hide it. Ash looks younger and he can already see that same image of him, but while wearing that silly pikachu-faced pyjama he still probably has lying around somewhere. His eyebrows crease with affection and he gently knocks his head with Ash's and closes his eyes contently.
Even as his heart races, Goh feels calm.
Despite his inhibitions, despite his fears, Goh can't help but smile. Maybe it was weird to do that but it just felt right.
Ash's hair is unbrushed and wild but still the soft thickness of it remains. "Thank you for asking." He whispers and can feel Ash tuck himself further into his neck. Goh could've sunk, drowned and died right there.
"I'm just...." There's a beat of silence with the surprise he felt the need to elaborate. "...Feeling like I'm missing something." Goh decides on. But he doesn't know what since Ash is right next to him, how can he be so selfish?
Ash doesn't say anything yet but Goh's okay with that. He wonders how Ash could tell his thoughts were busy, and how he would react if Goh told him what they were really about. "Missing something?" Ash suddenly pipes up, and Goh's surprised that conversation was taken further. It's land that has to be carefully tread on and Goh gulps slowly. "Did you forget something?" Ash's voice sounds wavering and concerned.
How he sometimes wished he could forget about his feelings when they're together. "No, I..." Goh's voice cracks and he clears his voice. He thinks about what he was going to say carefully.
"More like regretting something."
His eyes settle outside the window and Ash being so close is making him hyper-conscious of how much he can hear what's going on in his chest right now. Then he feels Ash's face move out to look at him, and he doesn't know where the intensity stemmed from, but he meets those eyes and looks into them pleadingly.
It's you I regret. I regret not taking chances when I had one. I regret not being bolder like you to have said it already.
The hazelnut in Ash's eyes turns gentle like he's realised something but his eyebrows furrow slightly like he can't pinpoint it. Despite everything, Goh feels that strange pride and nostalgia at the maturity he has slowly adopted as he does. "Huh. Maybe..." He trails off. Goh searches his eyes but Ash seems hesitant.
But then there's a quiet admission. "In that case I have a regret too." Ash finally and unusually quietly. Goh's breath holds and he watches Ash's eyes leave their intense gaze. It pains Goh that he wants nothing more but to gently tug his face back into it. He leaves a silence for Ash to fill when he's ready instead.
"That I think I should have agreed to Chloe's suggestion back then."
The train trackrails seemed smoother than they were before, the train rolling along at a breezy motion with the ever so often jolt. It seems all the more prominent when Goh looked at Ash, who was still not looking at him.
Instead, maybe after some recomposure the other teen decided to go back and burrow his face back into Goh's neck, whose skin burnt a brilliant red at that contact. It was already burning enough already—he has no idea how they've sat like this nonchantly for almost half an hour.
Then slowly, Goh gulped. Ash's words were rewounding like a stuck record he was trying to pick apart despite how much he would want to deny it. He's talking about the same time Goh's thinking of right? He could find no double meaning to his words, but no reason why Ash would say that in the first place. It's not like...
Goh shook his head, firmly, trying to control his thoughts. But it can't be ignored and he tries to breathe out shakily. "I—" He felt his doubts creeping in and his faltered at how this tension he could be imagining. "I don't know." Goh really didn't know.
The way Ash bristled beneath him urged Goh to finish his sentence. It was probably where this sudden confidence was stemming from either. "Maybe you could still do it." His voice was a hush, not sure if the exhilaration of finally saying that outloud was making him so tired. It's the closest he's said something remotely dangerous, and the admission gives him both relief and tension in his muscles.
When he looks down subtly at their hands, his suddenly feels clammy tangled in Ash's. He feels his heart in a similar tone, clammy and nervous. It's all too obvious, too scary. Gently, he withdraws it, embarassed but regretting it as soon as he does.
At the movement, Ash moves his head up, curiously. Goh tries to look away so there's a few minutes where they say nothing for a while. They stare out the window instead, leaving the unspoken to sit between them until one of them pointed it out. After deciding there needs to be more conversation, Ash finally sits up from Goh to face him. It makes Goh too nervous and he looks away, cheeks burning. "I'm sorry." He mumbles.
Ash just blinked slowly. "What for?" His voice doesn't sound judgemental; it's just soft pure Ash and it relaxes Goh.
He fiddles with his fingers, feeling empty without the warmth of Ash's in them. Only their shadows remain there as a haunting hollow warmth. "For letting go of your hand I just—" Goh sucks in a breath, feeling Ash might interrupt him. But he doesn't, and he finds the words gradually tumbling out at their own accord.
"I just think like being around you—more than I should."
The candle wick begins to quiver and Goh notices it's reaching the end of its burn. His throat feels too tight and he needs something to do. He picks the candle up carefully, feeling warmth cascading his face in a golden shadow. When he gently blows it out, he can still feel Ash's unwavering gaze from his left and puts the candle back like he's not noticed it.
As he does then Ash's hand has immediately come back in offering and Goh stares at it, heart wavering. Ash's fingers seems to do the same, momentarily curling back from their outstretched confidence. But Goh can't allow that and allows his doubts to float away. He gently returns himself back to the place he finds he belongs.
Ash clears his throat. As their fingers tangle together. The air in the carriage is a hush. "I think..." Goh looks up— and suddenly Ash looks down. ".... I like being around you more than I realise I do."
Goh feels his heart drumming in his ears, as he stares at Ash wonderously. He had been expecting Ash to have said anything else in response. Or maybe nothing. Goh lets out a breathless laugh of disbelief at everything he's just ran through.
His hand laying limp squeezes Ash's hand lightly. His smile makes Ash smile too, but it struggles to hold for a moment and it wears uncertainty. "But..." He meets Goh's anxious eyes which are piercing like the daytime sky. It helps clear his mind and his face twists in concentration to find the next few words. "I'm scared, Goh... And I'm confused."
Goh's mind rushes in the implication and for a moment his mouth hangs open a little. He wants to ask if they're on the same page right now, or why he's feeling that way at all. Instead he breathes slowly. "That's okay." Goh replies. He looks down at their joined hands. "I think I'm scared too." He admits quietly. It was kind of nice to hear how Ash felt that way as well if it were the case.
Ash looks up, and Goh realises he'd been looking at their hands too. "Are you confused?"
"No, I don't think so," Goh replies, carefully. "I know why I feel this way for you."
He fails to hide embarrassment behind a sheepish smile as Ash looks aweful and curious. Goh notices a delightful sugar sprinkling of red on his cheeks though and something in his chest flutters "You'd better tell me someday." Ash nudges him, leaning into Goh's space a little more easily. Goh giggles, ease slowly making it's way through him a little more.
But Ash can't help but feel a little guilt after what Goh said. After a few seconds, he takes a deep breath. "I really like you Goh— I just want to make sure you know I like you for the right reasons too so I—"
"Ash," Goh insists, gently rubbing his thumb against his hand. "Please, it's okay. There's no rush. I'm—" He feels a blush creeping up his neck. "I can't belive you are even saying all of this, anyway. I'd rather just keep you by my side for now."
Ash's ears go an endearing pink. Goh can start to admit, despite his disbelief, that the pieces of the conversation had been put together. He just can't seem to process it. The boys are both just flustered now and giggle anxiously at each other. In comfortable silence they continue staring out the window, until Ash turns to him. "You wanna go eat somewhere on Valentines?"
Goh feels his face heat up betraying him and Ash smirks. God, that smirk. Good thing he's sitting down because his legs might have betrayed him too. "I'll take that as a yes." Then after a brief silence Ash shifts nervously. He quickly adds, "Well, only until you say yes. Obviously."
"Yes, idiot." Goh huffs, quickly, snapping out of his disbelief. But he's smiling too much to say it with annoyance. Ash notices and shuffles closer. Goh registers it and can't help but tense up. But as if it's second nature, Ash is back leaning his head into the space between Goh's shoulder contentedly. Then almost instantly Goh's head leans back atop of his, causing Ash's heart to skip in his chest.
"Ash," Goh breathes out, happily, and something about the way he says his name causes Ash to caress Goh's hand back in simple response. Maybe that's one of the reasons he likes Goh more than he should that could be added to the list. But truthfully there's so many more reasons and he's just grateful Goh can understand he needs time to figure this all out.
Ash hums, his lips smiling against the skin at Goh's collar. He smells familiar and of home all at once and it relaxes him like nothing else. "When do we get home?" Ash mumbles, suddenly reminded why they're on this train.
"I thought you'd know that," Goh teases, but he pauses for a second. He thinks about how insistent Ash had been lately about taking care of everything to do with travel and finance. "Actually, I'll check. Don't move." He uses his free hand to fish his phone out of his pocket and scan the map.
"Wasn't plannin' to."
Goh smiles at that.
After looking at the delays, he comments bluntly "Just under half an hour."
"How did we survive the trip there?" Ash mumbles and huddled further into Goh. It evokes laughter out of Goh as he feels tickled and tries to edge Ash away playfully to no avail.
Goh misses this side of Ash when they go on serious research or have to sort out more and more life problems. To see him so relaxed and carefree, well, it warms Goh's heart. He's glad he can ease him for a few minutes. But the truth is that side of Ash has always been there. Maybe they don't have it as easy as they used to as kids, but they still can find ways to make things better than they used to be. And as long as Ash is still with him, the one he feels he'll forever love dearly no matter what, he's not sure what he's been so worried about.
Goh returns his head to resting against Ash's and closes his eyes. After a period of quietness, he speaks up after thinking about what Ash just said "You know... I think it's something to do with being with you. It's like..."
"...We never left home in the first place?"
"Yeah." Goh breathes. "That's it. "
The train chugs on and Ash's hand squeezes his. "I like the sound of that." He mumbles giving an affectionate nuzzle to Goh's neck before he drifts to sleep.
After watching Ash relax, Goh smiles. Something inside him keeps the dumb smile on his face as he watches the window. As keep his eyes open to stay awake for their upcoming station he whispers, "Me too."
He squeezes Ash's hand back, anticipating how this love could take them further than they've ever gone before.
After all, home will never be far away when they need to go back to it: for they have each other.
🌃