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Cloud had long forgotten what it was like to be able to breathe properly without the breath rattling in his lungs.
It was easy enough to hide it: His ma had to work long, hard hours to put food on the table. He understood and loved her all the more for it. That was why he never told her how painful it is to breathe sometimes- he did not want her to worry or strain their already meagre budget with medical bills and check ups.
He never had any real friends, save Tifa, but Cloud did not think that she really counted a one. Everyone else tried their best to avoid the Outsider’s child like the plague so no one really noticed the times where he coughs so hard he doubles over in pain.
In the SOLDIER academy, he was a loner and the lowest of the totem pole, partly by choice and partly by circumstance. But Cloud did not suffer thousands of kilometres by himself for nothing and through sheer hard work and determination and a lot of luck, Cloud pushed his body to the limits and got a place as a SOLDIER Third. No one has to know that he spent many of those days nearly hacking up a lung as quietly as he could in many an abandoned classroom.
In between getting into SOLDIER and his first medical check up slash mako injection, Cloud somehow found himself in the company of Zack Fair. He was friendly and loud and so outgoing, Cloud wondered what exactly Zack saw in him to even want to be friends with him. Cloud was confused, but he did not dare mention anything. Better not jinx it.
It was easy enough to hide it from Zack too. Zack may be a SOLDIER Second, but Cloud has been in this hiding game for as long as he could remember. Cloud would laugh happily and go along as enthusiastically as he could with each and everyone of Zack's mad schemes, running and dodging and sparring until his body burned and he could hardly take a breath without the near overwhelming feeling of liquid in his lungs. And every day, Cloud would viciously suppress the urge to cough and go on with his life.
Then the mako injections came. One thing about mako was that people already thought that it was such a miracle substance, they automatically assumed it could heal anything- if your body can handle it. So when the scientists found the liquid in Cloud's lungs and the damaged lung tissue, they did not mention it, because what was the use if it was going to be healed anyway? And it did- sort of.
For the entirety of the mako injection rounds, Cloud could breathe properly for the first time in his life. He took great advantage of it, savouring every breath he took like it would be the last. Then two months passed since the last injection and training was in full swing and he made new friends. Friends! Even he could hardly believe it. So, even though he went to bed everyday dead tired and wanting to die, Cloud couldn't be happier. He had achieved his dream and he did not have to deal with his weak lungs. It was fantastic. (Zack even promised to introduce him to his mentor Angeal Hewley- and if he was lucky, the other two of the Elite Three.)
Of course, since the Universe decided that Cloud couldn't have nice things, everything came to a head on a typical Friday evening.
Cloud had just gotten back to his tiny dorm room after a session of night training when the first bout hit. His sword and duffle fell to the floor with a loud clatter as Cloud practically seized with the strength of his cough. He felt his diaphragm spasm as his throat tightened and every harsh cough grated on the back of his throat. The wetness rattled in his lungs with ever shaky inhale and every cough was paired with the crackle of fluid. It was painful.
By the time it ended, Cloud was on all fours with his stomach and head aching, and his throat sore. Then it was all on autopilot, just like before the injections.
Cloud got up to drink a glass of water and cleaned up the small puddle of saliva on the floor. And just as he was mopping up the last of it, the second bout hit. It was thankfully shorter than the first, but no less exhausting. Cloud was panting heavily afterwards, fast shallow breaths for fear of aggravating another round. It was minutes before he mustered up enough energy again, clearing his mess and practically falling into the tiny shower connected to the kitchen-living room area.
Only after he was safely under the hot spray did the entirety of the situation catch up with him. The tears weld up in his eyes even as he banged his fists against the walls, shattering tiles and cracking concrete.
"Damnit! Damnit. Damnit. DAMN. IT."
Each cuss was punctuated with more cracked concrete and Cloud was so angry he was shaking. Then the anger gave out as fast as it came and Cloud's knees buckled under the sheer force of helplessness that washed over him like a tsunami. He didn't care that he was curled on his knees in pieces of jagged concrete- it wasn't as though the sharp edges could have pierced his enhanced skin anyway, and even if they could, Cloud couldn't bring himself to care.
"Damnit." The word came out as a strangled whisper near inaudible over the sound of the shower, and the tears started to fall. This time his shoulders shook with the force of his sobs.
Cloud stayed in his prone state, listless and empty. He didn't know how long he cried for, but the shower had turned cold a long time ago. It was with a sort of hazy, muffled vision, like he wasn't the one actually piloting his body, that he shut off the water and got changed into a ratty shirt and sweatpants and crawled into bed.
He didn't get up the next morning until Zack barged into his room at one in the afternoon and dragged him out of bed. He fibbed something about not feeling well, but he must have really looked like shit because all Zack did was bundle him back up in layers of blankets and stick him on the couch with hot tea and squeezed himself beside him on his tiny couch to watch some trashy, no-brain soap operas all day.
Zack never tried to force him to open up about what was bothering him.
Cloud thought that he really didn't deserve someone as great as Zack.
The mood stayed with him a few days, Cloud going through his days on autopilot and Zack coming over to his room every night even though he must have other much important things to do.
One night as Cloud laid in bed, sleep eluding him again, he thought of how Zack's smile dimmed a bit when he thought Cloud wasn't looking and the way Zack sometimes hesitated when he reached out to him like he was afraid of touching him.
Afraid.
None of them mentioned the partially demolished wall in the bathroom even after Zack gotten it fixed up and Cloud knew he couldn't continue on like this. He was disappointed, yes. But he's had this for all his life and never expected to actually get well, so the past months of being able to breath was more of a gift than anything, something he'll cherish and miss of course, but nothing so bad that he could afford to hurt the people around him.
So he buried the hurt and the pain and the agonising 'Whys' and got up bright and early the next day with his usual grump and silently hated the way it made the little tension in Zack's shoulders relax.
The months passed and Cloud was doing regular team missions and training and hanging out with Zack (and he finally met the Elite Three! How cool was that? He was proud of himself for keeping his cool around them too) and everything was back to normal- well, as much as it could be.
Soon, winter reached Midgar and so did the holiday season where all SOLDIERS were given one week of leave to do whatever they wish. Zack was going back to Gongaga to visit his parents and Cloud felt that it was time to go back to Nibelheim. With hearty hugs and promises to take care of themselves, they parted ways at the train station.
The journey back to Nibelheim was much kinder to Cloud this time around. Unlike the first time, Cloud had a SOLDIER Third's enhancements and a SOLDIER's pension, which more than covered all his travel and meal expenses. Nibelheim didn't change much- save for a few new buildings and Cloud made sure to reach the village early enough that he could walk home without anyone noticing him.
Knocking on the door of his own home felt a bit surreal, but Cloud didn't feel like he had the right to just barge into the house after being away for so long.
Upstairs, there was a soft thud and swearing as his mom jolted awake and Cloud muffled a quiet laugh in his hand. Then the door was flung open and a tall blonde woman was hauling Cloud into a tight hug.
"Cloudie! You're home. Oh Gaia, how much you've grown."
Cloud chuckled. "Hi mom. I've missed you."
Helen Strife drew back to take a good look at her son who shuffled awkwardly on his feet, fiddling with he strap securing the sword to his back. Then suddenly, she cuffed the back of Cloud's head. "A year and a half. A year and a half, you barely reply my letters and never phone home. You didn't even tell me you've become a SOLDIER and now you appear out of nowhere and the only thing you could say was 'I’ve missed you'?"
Cloud flushed a deep red and looked down at his scuffed boots like a chastised child. "Sorry ma, I wanted it to be a surprise."
Looking like a sad chikabo, Helen could hardly remain angry at him and tsked softly, pulling Cloud into the house for an early breakfast, heavy duffle and all.
Cloud stayed in Nibelheim for four very nostalgic days before he needed to go. Helen waved him off in a teary goodbye after extracting a promise from him to contact more frequently and Cloud didn’t care much about the other villagers, except Tifa who gave him a small wave. Their reunion was a bit awkward, but they parted as somewhat tentative friends. Cloud made sure to remember to include Tifa into his letter writing too. He had a feeling that she would be a good friend to have.
On the way back to Midgar, Cloud made a detour to Kalm. Kalm was a small town that did not have direct ties to Shinra Headquarters despite their proximity, but they did benefit from Midgar, getting a higher standard of education and medicine than any other small town in the east.
Cloud took a deep breath and stepped into the clinic with ice in his eyes and ambers of hope in his heart.
The prognosis was not good. The doctor was very sympathetic and his voice was full of pity. ‘Five years or twenty before the lung tissues scar so much your body can’t get enough oxygen to keep functioning. It is difficult to tell because mako does strange things to the human body. So far it is suppressing the disease, but who knows if it might just make it stronger in the future.’
The doctor tactfully left after his announcement to give Cloud a moment to digest the news alone. He sat on the rickety chair in the office, staring glazed out at the ceiling. Five years… He is fifteen and he only has five years left to live. It was, undeniably a heavy blow that completely threw Cloud off his axis. How could this have happened to him? Why did something like this happen to him?
At that point, Cloud was startled to feel something drop on his hands. He didn’t even realise that he was crying. Absentmindedly, he thought to himself that the cycle of grief was starting again.
He left Kalm in a daze, walking into the barren desert surrounding Midgar for hours until he hit a small pack of Kalm Fangs. That broke him out of his stupor and anger quickly replaced it, a red haze falling over his eyes.
When it lifted, Cloud was panting and coughing and surrounded by five very dead monsters. Stiffly, Cloud went over to the bodies and salvaged any sellable parts. A tiny voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like his mother screamed at him to not waste such great opportunities.
Changed into less dirty clothes and parts packed into his duffle, Cloud set a jogging pace back to Kalm for a ride to Midgar.
Returning to his tiny dorm room after a week away made Shinra’s dull colour scheme seem completely washed out. A message on his PHS from Zack snapped him out from that dangerous train of thought and Cloud scrambled to unpack everything before Zack came to pull him away because Gaia knew that he would come back exhausted.
Soon, everything fell back into routine and the next year passed by quickly, peppered with letters from his mom and Tifa- who came down to Midgar despite Cloud’s warnings, fun with Zack, and surprisingly, making friends with the Elite Three.
He became friends with Angeal first, unsurprisingly, because he had the most chance to interact with him, since Zack spends the most of his time with the both of them.
Then Genesis came next- because he often dropped by Angeal’s office to escape from paper work or complain about one incompetent person or another and most of the time, Cloud was there too, having his lunch break with him and Zack or simply chatting in between lessons. Strangely, Cloud didn’t exactly know how their friendship formed because they literally had nothing much in common, but it just was, so Cloud left it at that.
Then last came Sephiroth, who Cloud took an embarrassingly long time to work up the courage to talk to. He kept his fangirling- or fanboying in this case- under wraps because he respected Sephiroth way too much as a person to do that to him. But once he started actively trying to converse with him, he realised through many stilted and awkward conversations that Sephiroth’s usual short unfriendly answers were simply so because of how uncomfortable he was with social interaction. So during one of the rare times Sephiroth was in Angeal’s office taking a break, Cloud brought out a small chess set and the both of them quietly formed a silent friendship.
Zack was predictably ecstatic by the development and his other Third friends remained oblivious because Cloud didn’t trust them enough not to be jealous of him.
The rattling in his chest remained an ever faithful and unwanted companion. Which made the hiding game was easier to pull off, especially once he learnt his new limits. He was careful not to exert himself unless he was sure he could find a place in time to keep his coughing a secret.
However, over the few months the rattling worsened a bit, and it was a study in patience to learn everything all over again, but Cloud made it work just like he did since he was a child.
No one suspected a thing, not even Zack, and Cloud didn’t know how to break it to any of his friends that he might die at twenty. It wasn’t exactly a normal conversational topic. ‘Oh hey guys, I got this disease since I was a kid and it’s killing me slowly so I only have four or more years to live. Good talk.’ So Cloud stayed silent. And obviously, since as previously stated: the Universe decided that Cloud should not have nice things, his secret was found out by none other than Genesis.
It was the first time that they had moved their quiet chats to Genesis’ apartment where it was much quieter than any place they’ve met up in before. They’d been chit chatting over mugs of hot chocolate for about an hour that the big revelation came.
Cloud had just been taking a sip of cocoa when Genesis inquired casually “Cloud, why is there fluid in your lungs?” as though it was just like a part of their usual conversations. Cloud promptly choked on his cocoa that sent him doubling over into one of his coughing episodes. There was a flurry of movement to his left and a warm hands carefully pried the spilled cup of hot chocolate away from his jerking hand before one of them smoothed itself down his back, rubbing soothing circles until the wet coughs subsided. Genesis handed him a towel that Cloud accepted gratefully, wiping his mouth and his dirtied hands.
There was a pinch between Genesis’ brows that spoke of concern and Cloud hastily tried to reassure him. “Its okay Genesis. This only happens occasionally.”
It backfired and just made the furrow deepen until Genesis was now obviously frowning. “Cloud, how long has this been going on for?”
Cloud adverted his eyes. “Since I was young enough to remember.”
Genesis’ eyebrows shot up then furrowed again when Cloud quickly tacked on “But I’ve got it mostly under control so it won’t affect my missions or anything.” As if it would make the news any easier to take.
“Did you see a doctor about this?”
Cloud immediately clammed up because thiswasn’thowhewantedittocomeout. But Genesis was a persuasive and patient man when he wanted to be and in the end, Cloud reluctantly told him the doctor’s prognosis. To say the least, Genesis did not react well to the news at all. No matter how much Cloud pleaded and begged or tried to give reassurance that strangely wound Genesis up even tighter, he insisted on informing the rest about Cloud’s condition.
The other three did not take the news any better.
Angeal took it the best relatively, frowning even more than he usually did, but he was not surprised to hear it. “I has my suspicions, but I wanted to make sure before I said anything.” He shrugged.
Zack took it explosively, turning into a giant mother hen and heckling him with questions even as he tried to wrap him in blankets and ply him with hot tea that was ‘Guaranteed to clear blocked airways!’
But by far, Sephiroth took it the worst. The man listened to Cloud explain his illness and the doctor’s prognosis without moving a single muscle. He sat as still as a statue, back ramrod straight and posture impeccable. Then the moment Cloud fell silent after finishing all he had to say, Sephiroth got up and left the apartment without uttering a single word.
Cloud wrung his hands in worry for days, even with the others promising him that Sephiroth was not actually angry with him. Three days later, Sephiroth went to the secluded garden near the training grounds where they usually met up to play chess and sat in his usual seat, startling Cloud who had been staring morosely at the board the entire time he had been there. Sephiroth picked up a white pawn to start the game and Cloud knew that they were alright. Of course, hearing rumours that five different training grounds had been completely wreaked the past three days had nothing to do with it at all.
Nothing changed much after that, except Cloud was subjected to more mother henning than usual from all four of his best friends and he did not need to hide his episodes when it was just them any more.
Three years came and went, along with promotions and celebrations. Cloud was now a SOLDIER Second and Zack joined the Elite Three as SOLDIER Firsts. But not all was bright and happy. There were still times where the dark moods hit and arguments sprung up, but those were resolved peacefully enough and Cloud’s lungs worsened a bit, but he was still holding up hope that the increased levels of mako in his bloodstream would keep it at bay.
The others still mother henned him in their own special way when he was not on any missions, making sure he ate properly, and did not over exert himself.
There was one time, Cloud was rummaging through Genesis’ cupboards to find something to eat and stumbled upon a scrapbook filled with recipe cut outs on dished filled with as many phlegm and mucus reducing foods as possible. Then Zack started adding honey in his black tea every time and Angeal would train with him sometimes, and subtly teach him a few less strenuous moves that packed equal force. Sephiroth was the most subtle of the lot and Cloud would not have known what he was doing if he weren’t such a light sleeper and good at keeping his heartbeat steady. Sometimes when they play chess all the way into the night, Cloud would crash in Sephiroth’s extra bedroom and hours later, Sephiroth would creep into his room to cast as many powerful curagas as he could manage before going back to bed. It was a sweet, if a bit creepy, but Cloud knew that Sephiroth did not mean anything by it so he kept it to himself.
Then, the mission to Nibelheim came. Sephiroth was sent, along with Cloud who was a local. And they met a grotesque alien half-body proclaiming to be their mother, Jenova. Sephiroth took one look at her and violently exploded the entire capsule, sending shards of glass and metal streaming past with small chunks of alien flesh. He burned the rest until nothing but ash was left.
Then they went home, thinking all was great and normal. But it was not.
Over the course of what Cloud just knew would be the last year of his life, his conditioned made a turn for the bad and he steadily got worse. No one knew that it was because of prolonged exposure, a piece of Jenova had infected his body and changed his mako in a small, but very significant way. The new form of mako flowing in him aggravated Cloud’s disease instead of suppressing it and Cloud quickly went from active duty to being grounded.
It was a heart-breaking day for everyone when Cloud had to be admitted into the hospital because he collapsed from low oxygen levels. Cloud was getting weaker and weaker by the day, his lungs unable to get the oxygen his body needs.
The others continued with their usual bonding moments, just only at his bedside and their touches now lingered and their eyes took longer to move from his face, like they were ingraining his features into their memory. They could not do much to help, even modern medicine has at its limits and Cloud knew that the knowledge rankled them something fierce because all of them had always been able to solve whatever problems they came across.
His twentieth birthday came and went and Cloud had to be fitted with a cannula because his lungs were too scarred to be sorting out the oxygen from ever breath he took. Cloud knew his end was drawing near and started writing letters to all of his close people, penning down his thoughts of them as well as any hopes he has for them in the future. They would be sorted out once he died. He hoped that his Ma and Tifa would not take it too badly.
The four of them visited him with increasing signs of stress in them. Clearly they knew as well as he that he wasn’t going to make it to his twenty-first birthday.
It was getting harder to breathe these days and Cloud was coughing up blood more often than not and he could practically feel Death looming closer.
Cloud joined the Lifestream on the dawn of his Twenty-first birthday. Between one breath and the next, his heart beat for the very last time as the sun rose over the horizon and stopped just as the dark blue gave away to a magnificent gradient of orange and red.
It was a bit anticlimactic, to be honest, and his friends were all horribly devastated and somewhat resigned, but Cloud in his last moments was happy. He was happy that he died with friends- best friends- even though he thought that he’d grow up old and lonely. He was happy that he had an opportunity to breath without assistance. He was happy that he managed to achieve his goal of being a SOLDIER, of being respected and known, of being someone greater than an Outsider’s child.
Maybe in his next life he would be able to breathe properly without the breath rattling in his lungs.
Possibly. Hopefully.
He wishes.
Deep under the crust, the intangible flow of the Lifestream pulsed green. Once. Twice. And settled.
In an abandoned church in the slums, a girl in pink tending to flowers smiled, clasping her hands together to say a short prayer for a safe journey.