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December 24.
Sihtric wrinkled his nose and grunted.
He despised December.
Since he was a boy, December would come and go. Glittery and cheerful, only to leave behind a foul taste and an even bigger hole in his life than there had been all year. By the time he had reached his twenties, December had started to change. Glittery and cheerful, festive, and bright. Leaving behind a feeling of hope and courage for the year to come. The change in the young Dane's feelings coming from the same source that changed most men's minds – a woman.
Bodil had been exactly what he had been looking for, without even realising it. A breath of fresh air when he had needed her the most. Sihtric sat staring at the little red ring box in his hand, her bright smile and deep, soulful brown eyes lingering in his mind. Even now, he could hear her laugh, if he listened at just the right moment. When she laughed it was like the world disappeared and they were the only two people in existence.
Around him the snow began to grow heavier, coming down in bigger flakes. Shivering slightly, as the wind picked up, Sihtric shoved his hands in his pockets feeling the velvet covered box. Inhaling, he closed his eyes, he was insane and Bodil would tell him exactly that! She always told him when he was being irrational or too much of an ass. It's why he had loved her.
It's why he had loved her? No, it's why he still loved her.
Standing at the front door of her mother's house, Sihtric steadied himself. Surely they had spotted him by now, he'd been standing here like a bump on a log for nearly twenty minutes freezing his ass off.
What if she said no?
What if, like the last time, he was met with a hard laugh and shouting?
What if she slammed the door in his face and called the police?
Osferth had told him that Bodil was back in town, permanently. The other man had ran into her at a recent party, thrown by a mutual friend. Sihtric's heart had nearly leapt from his chest hearing the news. Frozen to the spot, as Osferth explained that she had never married, nor seemed to have found anybody worthy of her heart, while she'd been abroad.
Shuffling on the front step, Sihtric shook the snow from his dark curls. Straightened his posture, he squared he shoulders and set his chin. He hadn't seen Bodil in nearly three years, yet he had never stopped holding a burning flame for her. How badly he'd wanted to make her his, to love her and never let her go. When he'd shown up all those Christmases ago, holding the red box in shaking hands, asking her to marry him, Sihtric had never imagined she'd decline.
“I've taken the job in Thailand.” was her only answer. “You've said that you weren't willing to relocate, so?”
The words ran through Sihtric colder than any wind could.
At the time he had been foolish.
An idiot.
He should have agreed to go with her. Follow her wherever fate would take them.
Instead he had let his own plans and ego get in the way. Bodil had called him selfish, immature, said that he looked like a rat, and even claimed that he had the ambition of a burnt out light bulb. The first two were true. Sihtric would never deny those, despite what he'd said at the time. Ambition however, he had plenty. Every day Sihtric had kicked himself for not moving with her. While Bodil had been off living, he'd been sulking around, attempting to make something of himself as if to prove to her that he could be somebody worthy of loving.
She had loved him.
Bodil had loved him more than she could have expressed. Sihtric had no idea how hard it had been for her to walk away from him, but what kind of sane person turned down a dream job in Thailand?
Sure, she could have stayed and married the handsome Dane. Where would it have gotten her?
What if she'd said yes?
What if she'd stayed?
What if he had gone with her?
Glancing out the window at the man standing on the front step, Bodil rolled her eyes and reached for her boots. He had been out there far too long, lingering like some sort of weirdo. Her mother had spotted Sihtric the second he'd walked up to the door, but Bodil had refused her to open it. Make him suffer a little, as he had made her.
Declining to go with her had hurt deeper than Bodil had let on.
Spotting Bodil moving through the window beside the door, Sihtric's heart began to race. Clutching the red box in his pocket, he felt his breath catch, reminding himself to breathe. He hadn't laid eyes on her, in person, since the last time he had stood here on the front step. A few times over the years, Sihtric had taken to social media, browsing through her posts like any other person would have. One photo in particular that had caught Sihtric's eye over and over, was a photo from their first Christmas together. Hanging lights around the tiny shoe box of a flat that Sihtric had called home.
Hanging the lights, putting up the small tree, even attempting to make cookies in that small oven that he'd had – that was the first Christmas that Sihtric had ever felt like he belonged in the moment, that Christmas didn't have to be gloomy and unpleasant. For the first time, that Christmas, Sihtric had felt loved.
Bodil took a deep breath, slowly exhaling, before reaching for the door knob. Opening the door, she stepped forward pushing Sihtric back from the step. Standing in the snow, arms wrapped around herself, she stared at Sihtric not knowing what to say.
Dark curls wet from the snow, his coat beginning to build up a layer of the shimmering flakes, he stood like a little boy lost.
The first to find words, Bodil kept her tone even and as steady as she could. “Sihtric.”
“Bods, I....well....” he reached up scratching his head, fingers dragging through the wet curls.
“You look well.” Bodil offered, despite the fact that he looked like a drowning rat.
“You look...” Sihtric was tongue tied. She looked better than he could ever remember. “Amazing.”
“Thank you.” Softly she lowered her gaze. How odd it was to be standing here, talking to the man who had broken her heart. “I...Are you...What do…”
“Osferth said that you'd moved back and I was thinking.” Sihtric frowned and shook his head. “I don't know what I was thinking or...I should have just left. Left you alone then and left you alone now. I'm sorry.”
“You're sorry? For being here now? For breaking my heart? For shouting at me and walking away on Christmas Eve?” Bodil felt her body go stiff as her tone came out rigid and hurt.
“For all of it? I didn't want to hurt you. I loved you, I may still love you, I don't know. I do know that I meant what I said that night, when I asked you to marry me. Bods, you made me feel like I was cared about, like somebody loved me, as if I could matter. I'm sorry.” Sihtric felt his voice cracking as he stood on the frozen ground rambling. “I'm going to go now.”
Turning to walk back to his car, Sihtric paused, rolling the red box around inside of his pocket. For too long the red box with the diamond ring had sat in the back of his closet mocking him. Taunting him for the last few Christmases, whenever he went to open the closet, it was calling to him. Reminding him of the ways he'd failed them both. Pulling the box from his pocket, Sihtric turned back, eyes fixed on Bodil who was standing stone still.
“Sihtric?” Worry in her voice outweighed any thoughts.
Surely he wouldn't? Not now?
“I want you to have this. As a reminder that when something is falling apart, there can still be something hopeful and good. Bods, I want you to be happy. Foolishly I had hoped that I could get a second chance and be the person who made you that way, but I don't think we're meant to be. A happy ever after, it's not ours.”
Reaching for her hand, Sihtric delicately turned it over, placing the ring box in her palm. Curling her fingers around the box, Bodil steadied her breathing, soulful dark eyes catching Sihtric's mismatched gaze. Shaking in the cold and partially out of nerves, Bodil sniffed in the cold air.
“I didn't have the words to make you stay then and I won't even try now, but please, make sure we keep in touch?” Sihtric shrugged, a faint smile on his handsome face.
“Sihtric.” Bodil clutched the box, her voice soft in the night air. “Do you want to come in? Unless you have somewhere else to be?”
“I don't. Not really. I could come in, sure.”
Pushing open the door behind her, Bodil smiled warmly, as Sihtric stood back offering her to go in first. Clutching the box in her hand, Bodil turned to face him, as he stepped inside. Warmth from the fire surrounding them, her breath on his as she leaned in closer, Sihtric shivered once more.