Work Text:
What is she doing ? Where is she ? Should I get out and look for her ? Madeline thought, getting more worried by the second. Helen never came home late. As a matter of fact, Madeline had never gone home before Helen, in their year and a half of living together. She was the one who stayed out late, went to parties, met people on her way home and changed her plans, not Helen. And yet, the redhead was nowhere to be seen, and she wouldn’t even answer her phone.
Right before she could actually grab her jacket and get out, though, Helen opened the door. The other girl didn’t even have time to step inside before she was attacked by a flash of blonde and pink.
“Mad, what are you-”
“Where were you ?” Madeline asked once she finally stopped almost choking Helen and dragged her inside. “Why were you out so late ? Why didn’t you answer your phone ? What happened,” she added, not leaving Helen time to answer.
“Let me breathe for a minute, I’m ok,” she said, laughing nervously because what is happening. “Why are you acting like I got kidnapped ?”
“Because you could’ve been for all I know ! I called you at least fifteen times and you didn’t even text me back !”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t check my phone, and I didn’t think you’d get worried.”
“And what exactly gave you that impression ? You never come home after I do.”
“And I never get worried when you get home later than you said you would because I know that you’re probably off to some party.”
“I still answer your calls, and I text you if I’m coming home super late ! And you don’t even go to parties, Helen Sharp, how was I supposed to know you’d stay out late if you didn’t even text me ?”
“Ok, fine, I’ll tell you next time,” she said, finally moving to drop her bag before going to the bathroom.
“What next time ? What were you even doing ? What do you mean next time ?” the blonde girl followed her into the room, clearly not letting it go. What next time ? Is she developing a social life outside of just me ? Madeline didn’t feel that good all of a sudden.
“Can you just let me get changed before questioning me ? I’ll tell you everything, just give me five minutes.”
Madeline complained and glared at her but did as she was told, turning back to leave the room.
“Wait, why are you still wearing your day clothes ? it’s late.”
“Oh, is it now ? I didn’t want to get changed in case you didn’t come back and I had to look for you, which by the way I was 7 seconds away from doing when you got back.”
Helen laughed before realizing that she was serious.
“Sorry about this,” she said, a tiny smile still on her face.
Madeline stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her. She was still worried. Yes, Helen seemed fine, but she hadn’t even told her she was going out. They were supposed to tell each other everything, they were best friends. At least Madeline thought they were. Why hadn’t she just called her ? A horrible thought crossed Madeline’s mind ; she might not be Helen’s favorite person slash number one priority anymore. She felt sick again. No, everything’s fine. She probably just found a new pathetic boyfriend, that’s fine. I can deal with this.
She got into her pj’s and waited for Helen to come back, sitting on the other girl’s bed in the meantime.
“So ? What were you doing ?” she immediately asked when Helen stepped out.
The girl sat down next to her, taking a deep breath to steady herself.
Madeline noticed but didn’t comment on it.
“I was at the library to borrow this book for one of my classes, but I couldn’t find it, so I asked pretty much everyone who works there and they all said they weren’t sure they had it. Except I saw it a few months ago, when I was looking for the books that I’d need. So I just started looking everywhere, and then this girl – Kacey from my literature class – noticed me and so she asked what I was looking for. Turns out she had taken that book already, but she told me I could still borrow it if I needed to. She told me she’d noticed we shared lots of classes together, so we talked for a while, and then she invited me over.”
Madeline’s ears were ringing. A girl ? Helen had been with a girl for hours without telling her ? That was worse than a boyfriend, that was basically the end of the world. Had she just found another best friend ? Madeline knew she didn’t have much in common with Helen, and she knew she was a very toxic friend, and she kept stealing Helen’s boyfriends, and Helen’s other acquaintances – the friends anyone would expect Helen to have – hated her, and it was a miracle that Helen had put up with her for all those years, but she couldn’t just replace her like that, with a random woman she had met four hours ago. Madeline and Helen had a very complex relationship that Helen couldn’t just throw away in a day.
“And so you… went to her place ?”
“Yeah. We talked some more, had a few drinks. She’s nice.”
“So you’re going to hang out with her again ?”
Madeline saw Helen tense up, breathing heavily again. Her mind was already spinning, imagining a hundred different things that Helen might say ; ‘yeah, she’s so nice, I might start spending more time without you now’, ‘I think I need more friends’, ‘we can’t always be together anyway’, but nothing – nothing – could have prepared her for what she heard next.
“Actually, she… asked me out.”
What ?
“She… and you said no, right ?”
“…I said yes actually.”
“Oh.”
She didn’t feel well. She felt really bad actually. Her heart was beating too fast, the room was spinning, her head hurt, her vision was blurry, her hands were sweating. She wanted to say something mean like she always did when she got mad, wanted Helen to know she was hurt, but she found she just couldn’t. For the first time in her life, Madeline couldn’t even find the words to be mean because she was too hurt. She had never been ‘too’ hurt to be mean, usually being mean was a sign to everyone around her that she was hurt. So she just found something somewhat coherent to say.
“Great, goodnight, Hel,” she all but ran to the bathroom.
She closed the door and turned the lock.
“Madeline, are you ok ?” she heard Helen walk to the door.
“Yeah,” she said, trying her best to not let her voice crack.
I’m an actress for fuck’s sake, I can do this.
“I’m just… getting ready for bed.”
“Open the door.”
“I’d rather not, I look awful with all those products and creams on my face.”
“Mad, I promise you that’s not true. Let me in.”
“No, goodnight.”
“Open the door.”
“Stop it, Helen, no,” she shouted, hoping Helen didn’t notice how her voice trembled.
“Open the door. Madeline, seriously, open it.”
She didn’t budge. She heard Helen on the other side, her hand on the knob, soft scratches on the wood. Then, nothing for a moment. But right when Madeline thought Helen had given up, she spoke again.
“Please. Maddie.”
She felt a few tears on her cheeks when she heard that nickname. She hadn’t been called that in forever – since their last fight, about Helen’s last boyfriend. The entire situation had escalated way too quickly, the boyfriend had actually broken up with Helen for Madeline – which she hadn’t expected, her plan was really just to sleep with him once, get caught and then pretend she didn’t know him –, and the two girls had found themselves not talking for two whole weeks. Madeline would do anything to never have to go through that again. The nickname hadn’t been said once since.
“Goodnight, Helen,” she replied back again, knowing this time the other girl could hear she was crying.
She stayed in the bathroom for a while, trying her best to not make a noise. The only thing that could be heard in the room were her cries, she hoped not loud enough for Helen to hear.
Someone had asked Helen out. Again. And this would have been fine, she would have done the same thing she always did, if it wasn’t a girl. A girl had asked Helen out. She had a date with a girl.
And Madeline couldn’t do anything about it.
She sobbed again. She wouldn’t be able to get Helen to break up with her like she’d done with her first high school boyfriend. She sure as hell would not be able to steal her away either like she’d done with all the other boyfriends. She would never- Madeline Ashton would never do that with a girl. She wouldn’t… she wasn’t like that. She was straight. She’d always dreamed of a husband who could watch her shine from far away as she fulfilled her dreams of acting and performing. Why wouldn’t she want this ? Tears fell at the thought of the last time she’d been with a man. It hadn’t been pleasant, it never really was. And something in her head was telling her that it wasn’t supposed to be like that. But obviously it was only because that man was awful. They all were for now, but it would get better someday. She knew it would.
Where was this all coming from anyway ? Helen dating girls ? She hadn’t even told Madeline she was… bisexual ? queer ? …not straight. And who would even want to date a girl ? She was probably just confused. Madeline still was sometimes, but it always went back to normal, she could always remember what she really wanted. She just needed to find a boyfriend who could make her see that this was stupid, she was clearly meant to be with a man.
If Madeline threw up at that thought, it clearly was because her experiences hadn’t been great up until now. It didn’t mean that she didn’t want this. She did. She wasn’t… No, that wasn’t her.
She just had to find other boyfriends, more, and then it would be fine. And if it wasn’t, then she would grow to tolerate it. That would work. She would be fine.
She got up, washed her face – her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was fucked, her cheeks were covered in tear stains, her lower lip was bloody because she’d been biting on it to get her mind to focus on the pain instead of her being- instead of-
Get it together. You’re fine. You’re straight. I don’t care that Helen is… I don’t care.
She finally opened the door and did her best to get into bed without a noise, not wanting to wake Helen up. The other girl would never let this go.
Madeline woke up extra early the next day (she hadn’t slept at all) and left the dorm as fast as she could – after covering every evidence of yesterday on her face with a lot of makeup. She had breakfast alone and then hid in the park, waiting for classes to start, hoping Helen wouldn’t look for her there.
Helen didn’t look for her there, but she blew up her phone. ‘Where are you ?’ ‘are you ok ?’ ‘why did you leave the dorm so early ?’ ‘I checked your timetable your classes don’t even start for at least an hour more, come back’ ‘mad wtf seriously get back here’ ‘why are you acting like this’ and other similar texts that she didn’t trust herself to read without wanting to run back to Helen. Madeline didn’t reply to a single text, simply not knowing what to say. She had no idea why she’d reacted like that to the fact that her best friend had a date with a girl. Why did she care ? It wasn’t her fault Helen wanted to… be gay or something. She knew she wasn’t.
She avoided Helen the entire day – it wasn’t that hard, they didn’t even have classes together – and stayed out as late as she could. By the time she started talking to a new student she had never seen before, she had 71 unread messages and 24 missed calls from Helen.
By the time she left that guy’s room, a bitter taste on her tongue and tears welling up in her eyes like always, she had 96 and 37.
She had hoped Helen would be asleep when she got back. If she had read her texts, she would have known Helen’s date was tonight, and therefore she wasn’t asleep when Madeline opened the door, looking a mess with her teary eyes and runny nose.
“I thought you’d be sleeping already,” she just said, going to the bathroom immediately.
“Yeah, I got that. Are you ok ?”
“Yeah. I’m just tired, it’s fine.”
“Where were you ?”
“I don’t know, some guy’s dorm. Whatever.”
“Who’s the guy ?”
“I don’t know, I said,” she repeated, louder and angrier.
“Why are you crying ?”
“Because he was really bad,” she just replied, still not looking at Helen.
“At least keep track of who you’re fucking, Mad,” Helen just said and left her there.
She would be lying if she said this didn’t hurt. Hearing her best friend imply she was a whore like everyone else thought, of course it hurt. But it didn’t hurt more than what she’d done tonight, or last week, or two weeks ago, or any other time she found guys to sleep with when she got mad and needed to get her mind off of something. It always ended up with her crying, feeling dirty and violated. But every girl felt that way, that was just how it was for now. She was already starting to get better, actually, she didn’t cry as much as she used to. And it did stop her from thinking about whatever was bothering her, anyway, she could handle a little pain. She would have to.
A small voice in her mind, one she had been trying to shut off for years now, told her that no, sleeping with men until she was completely numb wasn’t “getting better”, it was just hurting herself on purpose, punishing herself for something she couldn’t control and yet still wouldn’t admit, but she chose not to listen to it, like she had been for the past five years. Only this time, it was getting louder.
She stepped into the shower, turned the water on and waited until it got hot enough to burn her skin so she couldn’t feel the phantom touch of the hands that had been on her body merely a few hours ago. She scrubbed her skin until it turned red, until her thighs bled where he had touched her, until her chest hurt. She forced herself to spit until she could forget about his kisses – if she could actually call it that, it was more of a dominance thing and shoving his tongue down her throat just to be able to say ‘I made out with Madeline Ashton’. When she felt clean enough – she never really felt clean enough, to be honest –, she changed and took care of the bleeding in various spots on her body before walking out and going straight to her bed. She could feel Helen’s eyes on her. Madeline didn’t say anything, just slipped under her covers, facing the wall so that Helen would not see her tears, again. After a few minutes, she felt Helen kiss her temple while her hand got her hair out of the way.
She wanted to reach out, to keep her close and hold her hand, but decided against it. She couldn’t be so close to her, to anyone, right now. She just couldn’t do it, she felt… she didn’t know how she felt. But she knew that, no matter how much she wanted to have Helen near her, to have her hand in hers and her arm around her waist, it wasn’t possible. That voice came back then, telling her none of this would ever be – had ever been – something friends would do. But that didn’t mean anything, right ?
And so Helen went back to her side of the room, leaving Madeline to feel even worse than she had been. But it wasn’t her fault, it never was. It was Madeline’s. She was the one who was broken. Something was wrong with her, not Helen. And she couldn’t do anything to make it better, she would have to live with it.
It’s fine, she told herself again. It’s all fine. I’ll just find a man who’s good for me and then this will all be over.
The next few days passed by in a haze – Madeline was rarely at the dorm, still doing everything she could to get away from Helen, in case she wanted to bring that girl over. She was coming home later than she usually would, crying more than she usually did. She felt worse every time she flirted with another man, but that didn’t stop her.
Helen had stopped constantly texting Madeline. She didn’t know why the other girl was acting this way, but she had learned long ago pestering her about it was pointless, and it was time she accepted it. Nobody could force Madeline Ashton to talk about her feelings, not even when she was in free fall like right now. Helen knew Madeline tended to overreact and let her negative feelings take over a lot, but now she was simply losing control. Helen could see she didn’t even know what she was doing anymore. Everything was going too fast, Madeline was almost never home, and when she came back she looked even less like herself than she did in the morning. She was going to hurt herself, if she hadn’t already. It was as if she was standing in front of a cliff, looking down, waiting to see if she was actually going to fall – or maybe waiting for something to push her, she wasn’t really sure anymore. Helen hated this, and she hated that she was somehow responsible for all of this.
When she had told her about Kacey, she had expected lots of different reactions. She had thought Madeline would ask her about it, be surprised Helen hadn’t mentioned she was bisexual before – she had been doing everything she could to avoid that subject with Madeline, and she had been doing a great job until now. Then, she had also guessed Madeline would start plotting Kacey’s downfall, like she always did with her boyfriends.
So imagine her surprise when, instead of the murderous glint in Madeline’s eyes that she had grown to know – and despise, no matter how used to it she was by now –, she had seen fear. And then she’d run off to the bathroom and locked herself in. What was happening to her best friend ? What had she said or done that could have warranted that reaction from her ? What could possibly make her afraid ?
Thinking back now, she preferred when Madeline hurt her instead of herself.
Thinking about it some more, she didn’t even know why she kept coming back to Madeline after all the times she had hurt her. All the boyfriends she had stolen, all the potential relationships she had sabotaged before they had even started, her way of making Helen feel small and useless with just one comment. She treated her like a background character. She controlled her life as if it was all a joke. She dismissed her feelings, thought it was ok to undermine her achievements and remind her of her failures constantly because they were “best friends”.
But she also made her feel important sometimes, somehow. She was one of the few people who actually knew and loved Helen – if not the only one. Helen knew Madeline loved her, even if she never showed it. She knew she mattered to her, in some way. And maybe her need to control everything in Helen’s own life was just her way of showing she cared about her. She just didn’t know how to handle not being the center of attention, and so she got mean. She reminded Helen how much better she was, how the girl would be nothing without her attention, how she was more popular and more wanted. She lived in her own world, she didn’t realize that her actions had consequences. They hurt people. They hurt Helen most of all. The girl was almost sure Madeline didn’t actually know that Helen felt that way at all, she probably thought she was doing her a favor. Even with all her flaws, Helen knew Madeline wouldn’t make her feel so unimportant on purpose, she didn’t even believe all the cruel and spiteful comments that she made whenever she got carried away in her anger.
But she still didn’t know why she reacted like that to her having a girlfriend. One thing she knew for sure was that Madeline wasn’t homophobic. She was probably one of the most open minded people at school. She always carried a pride keychain on her bag, in the name of allyship as she called it. She organized performances with her theater club for pride month. She was majoring in musical theater, for fuck’s sake. Yeah, she sometimes got uncomfortable when someone assumed she wasn’t straight and asked her if she was dating someone (she always corrected them with an embarrassed smile), and she always had that weird expression on her face whenever a girl tried to be flirty with her, but that didn’t mean anything.
When they had met, seven years ago now, Helen had noticed some things about her, things that made her different. Things that made it seem like she might be into girls – or even into Helen, like she had thought before swearing she would never entertain that thought ever again.
Whatever Madeline was going through, whatever was going on in her mind, Helen wanted to help her. She was still her best friend, no matter what. But how could she do anything for her when Madeline continuously shut her out and very clearly avoided her ? The only time they were in the same room was at night to sleep, and then as soon as she was awake Madeline would get up and run out.
Madeline came back home late again (for the ninth day in a row, and Helen was beginning to worry about her schoolwork because when did she have time to study if she didn’t even have enough time to sleep ?). She turned on the light, dropping her bag next to the door, almost too tired to do her skincare – which never happened, she was Madeline Ashton for fuck’s sake. She then noticed that Helen’s bed was empty, and the redhead was sitting on hers.
“What are you doing ?” she asked, trying her best to not look or sound too sad again.
“What are you doing ? Madeline, you’ve been coming home late everyday for more than a week, I haven’t seen you study for anything, and I’ve never seen you cry so much. What’s happening ?”
“I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself.”
“Clearly you can’t. Look at you, you’re a mess.”
“Why do you care ?” she glared at her, crossing her arms.
“You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I ? You’re acting like a child. Just tell me what’s wrong, Mad.”
“Nothing is wrong, I’m fine,” she said, taking off her coat before going to the bathroom.
Helen was not letting her lock herself in a room again. She followed her and got in before Madeline could do anything.
“Why won’t you just leave me alone,” she sighed. “I told you, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. What is happening ? Why did you react like that when I told you about-”
“I don’t give a shit about your girlfriend, Hel,” she seemed disgusted by that word.
“If that was true you wouldn’t have been so weird the entire week. Do you realize how far this is going ? You’re not sleeping, you’re not studying, I don’t know if you’re even eating anymore because you’re avoiding me ! This is not normal.”
“This isn’t normal ? What about you, huh ? I’m not the one who’s dating a girl I literally just met !”
“Says the one who slept with the entire school in the last four days ! At least I actually had someone else who cared about me, you’re all alone. I’ve seen you try to fit in with the girls you’ve been hanging out with, you’re not like them. You don’t even really want to be, that’s not who you are.”
If Madeline noticed how Helen spoke in past tense when referring to that girl, she didn’t comment on it.
“You know nothing about who or what I am.”
If Helen noticed the strange wording of Madeline’s reply, she didn’t comment on it.
“Oh, I do. I know you, Mad. You avoiding me for seven days isn’t going to erase seven years. Just tell me what’s wrong, we can fix it.”
“We can’t. I can’t ‘fix’ any of this, and neither can you,” she replied, colder than Helen had ever heard. She was a really good actress. Helen could have believed Madeline really hated her if the few tears that ran down her cheeks hadn’t betrayed her.
“Why ? What even is your problem ?”
“You are the problem ! Leave me alone, Helen !”
“I’ve always tried to help you. Why do you always do this when I’m happy ? Is it so bad that my entire world doesn’t revolve around you ?”
“I don’t care about this, Hel, get a life without me in it at all if you want. Get lots of friends, get a boyfriend or a… whatever for all I care.”
“So what ? You’re mad because you can’t steal that one ?”
“I would never want to.”
“Yeah, Madeline Ashton is so above stealing a girlfriend. Because that’s just so different from all the boyfriends I’ve had.”
“Can’t you see it ? It is different.”
“It shouldn’t be. You should support me, that’s what best friends are supposed to do. And yet you’re here acting like it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened.”
“And what if for me it is ?”
She hadn’t intended for that to sound so… mean. Yes, she was angry, and sad, and confused, and lost, and she really wanted this entire conversation to be over before she said something she couldn’t take back, but she hadn’t intended to be mean. She wouldn’t want to hurt Helen on purpose, especially not by using… this. She might hate herself for what she was, but she would never do that to Helen.
Helen was taken aback by Madeline’s remark. What could someone even answer to this ? She had been convinced that Madeline’s ongoing issue was with Kacey, not her liking girls. She might have been wrong. And she regretted that deeply.
“You know, I thought you’d be fine with me being bi. I thought you wouldn’t care, because we’ve been best friends for so long.”
Madeline looked over at her, teary eyed. Her expression was a mix of fear and sadness, which didn’t make any sense.
“I don’t have a problem with that,” she said, her voice lower.
She seemed so… small. But Helen was way past analyzing her behavior. She was angry, and she had every right to be. She would not shut up to keep Madeline’s peace again, she had to do what was right for her right now.
“Oh, really ? What the fuck do you have a problem with then ?”
“You dating someone,” she muttered, her chest rising too rapidly for it to be normal. She’s afraid. Again. But of what ? “And who cares anyway ? I’m allowed to not be happy all the time.”
“Why do you have a problem with someone actually wanting to date me ? Seriously, Madeline, what’s so difficult to get over ?” No answer. Madeline looked at her, her breathing even faster and more ragged, more tears falling, but didn’t even try to answer. Something snapped in Helen when she saw that Madeline wasn’t even going to try defending herself. She wasn’t even going to say anything that could make Helen think she didn’t actually despise her. She was just mute.
Well. Helen didn’t care anymore. She was over all of this, she wasn’t going to stick with Madeline if the other girl couldn’t even be happy for her.
“You know what, I’m sick of this. I don’t care. If you’re just going to be like this, I’m leaving. And fuck you, Mad,” she said, her voice trembling, turning around to leave.
“My problem is that I’m gay,” Madeline said, barely loud enough for Helen to hear. “I’m a lesbian,” her voice broke when she said that word.
Oh.
Next thing she knew she was on the ground, her knees up to her chest. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, everything was going too fast, she saw dark spots everywhere, her head hurt and the tears just kept falling.
That was it. Madeline had said it. For the first time in her life, she’d acknowledged it. Someone knew. She couldn’t keep pretending it was fake and she’d realize it soon, it was done. She was a lesbian, no amount of denying and sleeping with as many men as she could would change that. It hadn’t worked in the past five years, and she had just been hurting herself all this time. But maybe it had been on purpose, maybe she had known it all along.
The future she had wanted more than anything wouldn’t come true. Her life wouldn’t be what she wanted it to be. Because of one word, one tiny word that she hadn’t even meant to say out loud in the first place, one word that she’d avoided thinking about for years, she was now left to mourn what she could never have.
Madeline couldn’t hear Helen’s apology over her cries. Helen sat down next to her, as close as she could without touching Madeline – the last thing she wanted to do was scare her again. She stayed like this, still and silent, gaze fixed on the other woman’s trembling body until Madeline’s sobs faltered at least a little.
Madeline froze when she felt a hand on her arm, looking up to see the redhead’s eyes, filled with tears, staring back at her with guilt and affection.
“I’m sorry, Maddie,” she repeated once she was sure the other girl could hear her. “I shouldn’t have provoked you like that. I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been a bitch, I deserve it.”
She could barely get the words out in between her sobs, but it was true. She did deserve it.
“No, no one should have to do this. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m serious, you should have been mad at me years ago already,” she stated, crying even more now because even if that was true, Helen being mad at her was a horrible thought.
“It doesn’t mean that was fair.”
Looking into those green eyes, she remembered her sexuality wasn’t the only problem here. But it was too much for today, she simply would not even be able to deal with anything else – especially not if she had to talk about why she kept stealing Helen’s boyfriends if she was… she didn’t want to think about that word anymore.
“I’m sorry, I just really need to sleep and forget I exist now,” she said, trying to get up – and failing, because her head was spinning and her vision was still blurry and her entire body ached and she was sweaty and her mascara was all over her face and she was still shaking.
“Let me help,” Helen said, helping her up.
“It’s ok,” she said, doing everything she could to stand up and not burst into tears again.
She couldn’t do this. It was all too much. Helen knew.
“Mad, stop,” the other girl said when she noticed the tears about to fall from her best friend’s eyes again. “Please, listen to me. You’re alright, ok ? You’re fine.”
“No. No, I'm not. Nothing is fine. Did you not listen ?”
“You are fine. Everything will be ok. For now, just let me help.”
Helen did her best to get her makeup off her face and then held her hand until they got to her bed.
“Thank you,” Madeline said with a shaky voice. “You shouldn’t have helped me, I’ve been awful to you.”
Madeline was aware that was nowhere close to the apology she owed Helen, but she didn’t trust herself to say she was sorry without spilling something she still wasn’t allowing herself to think about – though in her mind she knew what it was, the same way she’d known she was gay for years, and even though it sounded right, she couldn’t put those words together without telling herself it wasn’t.
“It’s alright. You’re forgiven already.”
“I shouldn’t be.”
“Well, that’s too bad.”
She laughed a little at this, which made Helen smile.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight ?” she asked when Madeline got under the covers (still wearing her day clothes, because she just couldn’t bring herself to care today.)
The blonde girl panicked for two seconds, shaking her head frantically before she could answer. “No, don’t worry about me.”
“I’ll always worry about you,” she whispered. “Goodnight, Maddie.”
“Goodnight, Hellie.”
It could have been worse. Madeline had thought it would be worse. She had thought Helen would be weirded out, or maybe not understand, because… well, Madeline wasn’t really known for not being attracted to men.
She was still scared as hell. One person reassuring her wouldn’t make her change her mind. It was scary, to realize that the life you had planned and had worked so hard towards achieving would never be real. It was scary to feel like you were making a mistake, like none of this was ever meant to happen. It was scary to be so lost that you couldn’t tell what was real from what wasn’t anymore. It would always be scary to some degree. And Madeline had just admitted all of that to herself, it would take time for her to even feel remotely fine with her identity.
She was still crying, her pillow was ruined because of the makeup she still had on, and she already knew she wouldn’t be sleeping more than two hours if she was lucky.
But as she fell asleep, she thought maybe, someday, she would be fine. Someday, she would look at herself and be able to smile and say that her life was great and worth all the pain and self-doubt and nights of crying. And when she finally got what she wanted – a successful career and lots of awards –, she wouldn’t be crying over the fact that a husband wouldn’t be part of this perfect life. Maybe she would be comfortable enough with who she was to have someone with her in this perfect life of hers.
For the first time in years, she let herself imagine for just a second what it could be like. Being with someone she could love. It felt weird to let herself think about this now, after so much time spent blocking it all out. But it also felt like she wasn’t pretending anymore, and she was closer to the person she was deep down, a person no one else knew yet, and perhaps wouldn’t for a while, but at least she did. It was scary, too. Scary, and still bittersweet. But also maybe kind of worth it.
When Madeline woke up the next morning, she had a headache. She had woken up sporadically during the night, sometimes in panic and sometimes just to look over at Helen’s bed as if to check if she was still here. But now as she looked at the other bed, she realized it was empty. Where is she ?
She got up, went to the bathroom to see if she looked like a zombie yet. And oh she did.
Madeline Ashton had never looked this bad in her twenty years of living – at least not since middle school and her weekly breakdowns about various aspects of her life. She still had some makeup on, completely smudged, which made her look insane, her hair was tangled and the worst it had ever been since she had learned how to take care of it when she was twelve, her eyes were puffy and still a little red.
She was not leaving the dorm today. She wouldn’t be able to focus on her classes after all that had happened yesterday. She wiped the rest of her makeup off, combed her hair and braided it, changed into her silky top and matching pair of shorts and went back to her bed, sitting against the headboard.
She thought back to the entire evening, and her mind wandered back to Helen. Where was she ? Was she avoiding her now ? Frankly, Madeline deserved it after everything she had said and done, just to end up breaking down and have Helen comfort her. She needed to apologize. But what would she say ? ‘Sorry I slept with your boyfriends and then acted like you killed my entire family when you got a girlfriend, I lost control of absolutely everything because I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that my future won’t be what I wanted it to be and then I took it out on you because I didn’t want to lose you to another girl and I was too deep in the closet to steal her like I did with the guys to keep you to myself’ ? She would rather die than admit this, and it wasn’t even the entire truth.
Oh, God, this is worse than I thought.
She was so caught up in what she could possibly say to Helen that she didn’t even see the girl enter the room.
“Are you feeling better ?” she said, rushing to sit down next to Madeline, who jumped when she heard someone else’s voice.
“Oh, yeah,” she said when she realized she wasn’t hallucinating her best friend here. “Where were you ?”
“I got breakfast,” she said, pointing to a bag she had dropped on her desk. “You were still sleeping when I woke up, and I thought you probably wouldn’t go to class today so I got you something.”
“Thanks. But aren’t you going to class ? Do you not feel ok ?”
“No, I’m fine. I just didn’t want to leave you alone if you didn’t.”
I don’t deserve this, or her.
“Thank you,” she muttered, looking at her hands on her lap. “About yesterday… I know I’ve been awful to you and you deserved better. But I’m so grateful for you. For helping me feel better, but also because you’re a really good person, and I’m glad to be your friend. Really, really glad.”
Helen looked at her like she was her entire world.
“Of course. I’m glad you’re my best friend, Mad.”
She was about to argue again and say the same thing she’d said yesterday, but knew Helen wouldn’t listen to her anyway.
“So, breakfast ?” she smiled.
Helen grabbed the bag and sat back down on Madeline’s bed, bringing her legs under her.
They started eating, but Madeline couldn’t stop thinking about everything that had been said last night, along with everything that hadn’t.
“Why haven’t you asked me why I stole all your boyfriends ?”
No matter how forgiving Helen wanted Madeline to believe she was, the girl could see how her face hardened when she heard those words.
“Because it’s not really my business, honestly. Yeah, it hurts and it does seem like you just keep doing it because you love to annoy me, but I’m sure there’s a somewhat reasonable excuse and it all seems logical to you.”
Once again, they could both hear the hurt and the sarcasm in her voice, and Madeline was convinced that Helen would have been much meaner if not for yesterday’s breakdown slash coming out.
“I… Well,” she started. What could she answer ? “I didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t realize that my actions actually had consequences. And that sounds even more awful,” she thought out loud.
“Mad, is there something you need to tell me ? Do you want me to ask why you did it ?”
She did want Helen to ask, because then Madeline would have to admit the truth. That she might be feeling something she shouldn’t be feeling. And maybe if she said it, then her mind wouldn’t be a war zone anymore, and she would feel better. Or maybe not, maybe it would be even worse, but she had to do it. Apparently, yesterday’s confession had her wanting to be fully honest, and she had to go through with it now.
“I was jealous,” she said before she changed her mind and decided to not say anything.
“Of me ?” Helen asked, shocked. Why would she be jealous of her ?
“Of them.”
That was terrifying. Madeline was terrified. And Helen was… staring into the void, as if her brain had stopped functioning.
“What… what do you mean ? Is it because they got my attention ?”
“I mean… yeah, partly, I guess, but –”
“Then what ? Because I spent less time with you ?”
“Again, you know I don’t like when people don’t pay attention to me, but no, it’s –”
“Because I had actual relationships that lasted more than a week ? Or because-”
“Helen, stop,” Madeline cut her off. “No. I mean, yes, ok, fine, all of it. I don’t like when people don’t pay attention to me, and I don’t like that I haven’t had a stable relationship ever, and it pisses me off that every time you got a boyfriend you seemed to forget about our movie nights and our breakfasts on the weekends and our entire routine. But let’s not play dumb, you know this isn’t what I meant.”
“No, there’s nothing else, there wouldn’t be any reason for you to be jealous.”
Looking at her, Madeline could see Helen was only trying to convince herself now, and it wasn’t even working. They both knew what Madeline meant, but she seemed adamant on just not accepting it. Madeline thought for a moment that Helen looked ashamed. Ashamed of her, and of what she was feeling for her. Which made Madeline feel awful. She had never thought that Helen would be ashamed or embarrassed or disgusted. Not feeling the same, being sad, wanting to stop being friends and all the other things that would break Madeline’s heart, sure. She had been expecting this more than anything else, in fact. But ashamed ? That was too much for her to bear.
She was already trying her best to not have some sort of panic attack because she simply could not keep trying to tell her best friend she might have some feelings for her if said best friend was literally ashamed. But she just had to do it, she had to say it, even if Helen didn’t feel the same at all. Then, she would be able to finally forget it, try to move on and tell herself that at least she wasn’t the one responsible for yet another shitty moment in her life that led her back to depression, too much medication, alcohol, drugs, and whatever losing Helen would do to her.
“Helen, you know this whole thing is really hard for me, you’ve seen how everything ended yesterday. Don’t make me say it,” she begged.
“So you… were jealous of them because they were dating me,” she muttered, looking like a ghost. “But that doesn’t make sense, because then it would mean you like me, and you-”
“Oh my God, Helen, I’ve had feelings for you since high school,” she shouted without realizing it.
Madeline’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hand, looking mortified.
“Yeah no forget I said anything,” she said, getting up and ready to flee like she always did.
Helen grabbed her arm. She was not letting her go now, or she wouldn’t see her for a month – and that was if Madeline was reasonable, which, really, she never was. So, as… stunned as Helen was by that confession, she had to be the bigger person and try to regain some sort of control over the situation, again.
“Mad, please, don’t do this. Stop trying to run every single time you have to face your feelings.”
“I’m not good with feelings, why do you think I’m so good at performing ?”
She wasn’t wrong.
“I don’t care. You’re going to sit down and we’re going to talk about this. You are not leaving this room now. You’re not leaving me here after saying this.”
She heard how shaky her voice was, and she knew Madeline heard it too. Oh, well. She would have to tell her she might feel the same way in about forty seconds, so it didn’t really matter anyway.
Madeline sat back down, looking as terrified as she had been yesterday. This time, though, Helen was just as scared.
“Why didn’t you just… tell me about it instead of stealing my boyfriends ?”
Madeline raised an eyebrow at her.
“Ten hours ago I still refused to acknowledge the fact that I like women, what makes you think I was willing to admit I’ve been in love with one for as long as I’ve known you ?”
She needed to stop talking, this was just getting even worse. Why would she even say this ? What was wrong with her ?
Helen just stared at her best friend, shocked by what had just been said.
Still, her heart seemed to calm down a little.
“Well, I… I wouldn’t have stopped being friends with you if you had told me.”
This is not what I needed to say.
“That’s even worse than being rejected,” Madeline stated, all her fear replaced by outrage now. How she managed to switch between random emotions so quickly, Helen would never know. “I don’t get friendzoned of all things, and it is deeply insulting coming from you.”
“That’s not what- wait, what do you mean coming from me ? Am I this low in your esteem ?”
“Since apparently we’re being truthful now, yours is the only opinion I actually value, so no you’re not. Of course not. It’s insulting that you know so little about me.”
“Mad, you don’t get rejected. Ever. No one tried to 'friendzone' you either. You don’t even get broken up with, for god’s sake.”
“Well, apparently there’s an exception.”
“There wouldn’t be, not if you had asked me.”
Madeline looked up at her, her eyes shining with something Helen didn’t want to think about just yet, even if the other girl had said it already.
“What ? What do you mean ?”
“If you had told me about this, I would’ve said that I felt the same,” she said, her voice smaller.
“Really ?”
She sounded like a child. That hope in her eyes, that shimmer that Helen hadn’t seen in years now, made her look so much younger and genuine – something she had worked very hard on not being since they had started college. But now, sitting in front of her, Helen saw Madeline as she used to be. A girl who cared a lot, who felt things a little too deeply, who loved too much. A girl she hadn’t been in forever, and yet she was right here now.
“Yes. Really. You’re my best friend, the best person I know. And even if you make me crazy sometimes, I wouldn’t want to change it for anything. But you're... you're more than that to me.”
Madeline smiled, a genuine smile. And so Helen did the same.
The blonde girl took her hand then, holding it tight.
“I just didn’t want to lose you,” she said.
“I know. But you didn’t. I’m here, I’ll always be.”
“I’m sorry. For everything. The boyfriends, the girlfriend, all the atrocious comments I’ve made, all the things I did. I’m so sorry.”
That was a first. Madeline Ashton, apologizing for something. Unheard of until now, and yet, it was happening.
“It’s alright,” Helen answered once the initial shock passed. “We all do stupid things when we’re scared, and you were. I get it.”
“No you don’t,” she laughed, but it wasn’t bitter.
“Why do you think I don’t ?”
“You don’t get scared of all that. Of your feelings, of… all of this. You’re more confident than I’ll ever be.”
“Mad, I’m not. I’m the least confident person you know. I don’t know how to deal with feelings, and people. I try to, which is something that you refuse to do, but I’m not very good at it either.”
“Seems like you are.”
“I’m not.”
Helen looked at Madeline, who was still looking at their hands together. She looked so peaceful compared to yesterday, and even ten minutes ago. Seeing how calm the other girl was, Helen decided she had to tell her everything. She was scared too, of course she was, but somehow it all seemed manageable now that Madeline was holding her hand.
“I thought about asking you out when we were in high school,” she started. “I thought about it a lot, actually. But then I convinced myself that there was no way you liked girls, and even if you did, you wouldn’t like me. So I didn’t say anything. And until two weeks ago, I was still trying my best to not let people know that I’m bi, I was scared. I still am, actually, but I figured that hiding a part of me because I’m scared just isn’t worth it. They’re going to judge me anyway. They always have.”
“Why would you even think that I wouldn’t like you ? That’s absurd.”
Helen looked at her, puzzled. Of course that was the only thing she had focused on.
“Mad, you spend your time belittling me. You constantly remind me people like you more, you never listen to me when I start talking about something I care about. Sometimes I wonder if we’re even actually friends, or if you like me at all.”
Madeline looked up at her, mouth agape, shocked.
“I… didn’t realize I was that awful as a friend,” she said, looking genuinely guilty. “None of it was on purpose. I never wanted to hurt you. I always thought of you as my best friend, this is never going to change. I’ll be better, I’ll do anything, I promise.”
Helen hadn’t seen Madeline so vulnerable in years. It was such a weird feeling to see her revert back to the way she was in high school in a matter of minutes, and yet that was happening, somehow. So Helen chose to trust her, like she always did, and maybe this time it wouldn’t end with her crying herself to sleep because Madeline Ashton had once again hurt her after promising not to.
“I appreciate it,” was the only thing she could say.
“So, what are we doing now ? Just… pretending we didn’t say all of that ?”
By ‘all of that’, she only meant the last part of that entire conversation.
“Well,” Helen started, her heart ready to beat out of her chest. “Say it again, and let me answer this time.”
She really just wanted to hear it again because it was nice, and the look Madeline gave her then showed her that the other girl knew it. Still, she obliged.
“I’ve loved you since high school, Helen,” she smiled. “I love you so much. Is that good enough for you ?” she said with a laugh.
“I love you too, Maddie,” she replied.
“You do ?” she grinned.
“I’ve just spent five minutes telling you this, what did you think I meant ?” she laughed.
“Well, you didn’t say you loved me.”
“Well, I do love you.”
Madeline hadn’t looked that happy in weeks. She got closer to her best friend then, still holding her hand. Helen could tell she wanted to kiss her – and she did too – but she was still thinking about the night before, and she didn’t want the other girl to do something she wasn’t comfortable with yet.
“You know you don’t have to kiss me or anything, right ? If you still need time to process everything after yesterday, I’m not going to pressure you into doing anything.”
“I know. Thank you. I guess I’ll need time for lots of things. But I still really want to kiss you,” she scrunched her nose.
And so when the other girl nodded, she did. She kissed Helen.
Nothing had ever felt so right. For the first time in her life, Madeline actually enjoyed kissing someone. She enjoyed it a lot. It was probably messy, given that she still had a headache and their position wasn’t ideal, but it was also the best kiss she had ever had – the only one that didn’t make her feel uneasy and disgusted. Smiling into it, she knew she would spend the rest of her life wanting to kiss Helen Sharp, and she could only hope she would have the chance to do it.
Their kisses turned into a proper one when Madeline repositioned herself and straddled Helen’s lap. Helen’s hands were playing with the end of her braid, while Madeline’s arms were around her best friend’s neck, bringing her closer. It wasn’t needy or rushed, more chaotic and light-hearted. They were just enjoying it, enjoying being this close to each other. Madeline laughed when Helen’s hand traced her spine and lightly touched her skin where her silk top stopped (it really barely covered anything compared to the t-shirt Helen was wearing, which also annoyed Madeline a lot more than it should have because it just covered too much skin), finally breaking the kiss. As soon as Helen’s lips left hers, her brain started working again.
“Wait, isn’t this cheating ?”
“Oh, because now you care about cheating ?” she raised an eyebrow.
“Because you don’t ?”
She would be lying if she said the idea of Helen being ok with cheating if it meant it was with her didn’t make her happy – and maybe turned her on a little, but that was besides the point – but she also didn’t want to make Helen feel bad afterwards.
“It’s not cheating, because I’m not dating her. Are you dating someone ?”
Madeline gave her a look that could be translated to ‘why would I be dating anyone if I throw up at even the idea of kissing a man’ and, well, she made a point.
“Why aren’t you dating her ?”
Helen looked at her like she was insane and… she kind of was. She had quite literally been mad all week because of this.
“I just didn’t like her enough to date her when you were literally spiralling and lashing out every time you saw me. And we didn’t really have common interests aside from literature since I spend like half my time talking about you.”
“Aw, you do ?” she smiled and brought a hand to her heart.
“Don’t be so shocked, you’re acting like I don’t start standing ovations for everything that you ever do. I’m your number one fan.”
“And I thank you for that. I think I might start doing the same. So you already broke up ?”
“We never really dated, actually.”
“Does this mean I’m your first girlfriend ?”
For the first time, the word sounded sweet coming out of her mouth.
“Do you want to ?”
“Ask me, we’ll see.”
Helen rolled her eyes playfully.
“Maddie, will you be my girlfriend ?”
“I’d love that,” she replied with a grin. “You’re a really good kisser, by the way,” she smirked.
“You’re not too bad.”
Madeline kissed Helen – her girlfriend, Helen Sharp – again, more confidently this time. That felt good. Really really good. She moaned into the kiss, instinctively getting even closer to press their bodies together. When she felt the familiar heat in her stomach, though, she broke the kiss and pulled back abruptly, just enough for Helen to see the hint of fear written on her face.
“Hey, you’re ok,” she told her, taking her hand again. “We don’t need to do anything if you don’t want to.”
“I know, I want to, but… I’m scared. It’s so stupid, oh my God,” she sighed.
“No, Mad, it’s not. Everyone needs time to feel ok, and you literally spent an entire week blocking out your feelings, it’s not healthy. I’d say being scared is pretty normal.”
“You’re saying this as if I didn’t literally do it to annoy you more than anything. You should still be mad, instead of kissing me,” she frowned. “Why aren’t you mad ?”
Helen tried her best to suppress a laugh. Madeline was still sitting on her lap, her arms around her neck and keeping her impossibly close, and pouting because she wasn’t mad at her.
“Listen, no offense, but honestly you’ve done worse to me than just ignoring me for a week. And I was worried. You weren’t just ignoring me, you were crashing out. It was scary.”
“I’m gonna do better next time,” she just said.
“There is no next time,” she eyed her. “Madeline, no next time.”
“Ok, no next time. Fine.”
Madeline sat back next to her, dropping her head on her shoulder.
“Thank you for understanding. And sorry.”
“For what ?”
Madeline looked up at Helen, and just like that the scared look in her eyes was back.
“For not giving you what you want.”
Helen thought she might throw up at this.
“Mad, what ? No, I just want to keep you in my life, I don’t care about anything else. We don’t have to make out, much less sleep together for me to be happy. I need you to know this.”
Madeline’s tears fell and she hugged Helen as tight as she could.
“People who get close to me usually just want one thing,” she said, her voice shaky. “And I give them, because it’s the only thing I have.”
“It’s not. You’re talented, you have so many things to be proud of.”
“No, that’s all I am. You, you’re talented. You write, you’re clever, you’ll be a great writer. Me, I’m… pretty.”
“You’re much more than that. You could do anything you want to. Mads, look at me.”
The other girl looked back at her. She looked so small, again. Helen hated this.
“You’re not ‘just’ pretty, you’re a lot more things. Yes, you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. But you’re also clever, talented, passionate, and you make people feel special. You’re my best friend.”
Madeline seemed to feel a lot better about this entire situation now, and at least she wasn’t crying anymore. She kissed Helen’s cheek and dropped her head back on the other girl’s shoulder.
“Thank you.”
“Do you want to watch a movie ?” Helen asked her, knowing how to deal with Madeline by now. “And then we can just stay here together until you feel better.”
“Can we watch a musical instead ?” she asked, looking at her with her big blue eyes and signature pout that she knew Helen couldn’t say no to.
Anyone who heard her would think Madeline wanted to watch a normal musical, a movie musical, or at the very least a musical that had been recorded, but no, that was just too easy for her. It just had to be an illegally recorded twenty year old bootleg that, out of all the people they knew, only she was interested in. And yet, Helen still nodded and turned her computer on, because how could she say no ? She would do anything to keep Madeline happy, and watching a crappy recording of whatever show she wanted to watch (probably Wicked) wasn’t that bad – especially if Madeline held her hand the entire time.
She let Madeline look for a musical, and smirked when she saw that the other girl had in fact picked Wicked.
“What’s so funny ?” Madeline asked, barely able to contain her own smile.
“You always pick Wicked.”
“No I don’t. Ok, well, maybe I do. But it’s just that good.”
Helen just laughed and scooted closer to her, kissing her cheek. Madeline grinned and then pressed play, immediately focusing on the extremely blurry figures that she would simply not recognize if she hadn’t memorized the entire show five years ago.
“That’ll be me one day, you know,” Madeline said when Glinda appeared in her bubble.
“And I’ll be watching front row."
By the time they got to one short day, Madeline’s legs were on Helen’s lap and her arm was around her neck. She had been taking Helen’s hand, kissing her and looking at her like she was her whole word – she was – sporadically since she’d pressed play, really, and Helen had absolutely no idea what this was all about, but she wasn’t complaining.
When they finished watching, Madeline turned off the computer and kissed Helen, again, slower this time.
“I can’t believe you’re my girlfriend now,” she grinned.
This was the cutest thing Helen had ever witnessed in her life. She hugged her tight, basking in Madeline’s scent.
“Do you want to talk about… us ? and what we’re going to do ?” Helen asked. This probably wasn’t the best way to say this, but she didn’t know how else to put it.
“What do you mean ? Wait, do you not want to date me ? Was it too much, did I make you uncomfortable ?” she moved away from Helen, looking scared.
“No, Maddie, I do want to date you. But I just want to make sure that you’re comfortable and that I’m not going to do something that makes you feel bad.”
“I don’t think you could do anything that makes me feel bad,” she said, a small smile blooming on her lips after being reassured.
“I meant, you know, outside of our dorm. Like, in public.”
“Oh. Well, I don’t really know.”
“Do you want us to be publicly dating ? I don’t mind if not,” she added quickly.
“I don’t… I don’t know. I would love for people to know that I’m the one dating you, but… I think I'm too scared. I don’t know what they’re going to think of me. Being a lesbian doesn’t fit with what people think I am, and it’s scary. What if they think I’m faking it just for attention ? Or what if everyone gets weird, and girls don’t want to talk to me, and boys try to make me change my mind ? What if I am doing it for attention ?”
“You’ve done lots of things to get people’s attention, and I can assure you this isn’t one of them. They might think they know you better, but at the end of the day, no one can tell you who you are but yourself. As long as you’re comfortable with your identity, then it doesn’t matter what people think. They’re going to say a lot of stuff about you, they always have, but it doesn’t mean that they’re right. They haven’t been before, there’s no reason for you to think they are now. Just trust yourself, everything will be ok.”
“Thank you," she muttered, visibly moved.
“You can just give it a few days, you don’t need to figure everything out now. We don’t.”
“Ok.”
They stayed in their room for the rest of the day, enjoying some quiet time together. Being in each other’s arms felt great, better than anything they had ever experienced before. The rest of the day flew by, between kisses and cuddles and conversations and sweet nothings, and soon enough it was getting dark outside.
“Hel, I need to tell you something,” Madeline said once they both got back to her bed after going through their night routine.
“What it is ?”
“I’m sorry, for being a horrible friend. I shouldn’t have spent the week lashing out at you. And I’m so sorry for everything that I said before when I was angry, you didn’t deserve any of this. You’re beautiful, and you’re the kindest person I know, and I’m so glad I get to be your friend. And I’ll be an amazing girlfriend, I promise. I love you, and I won’t hurt you anymore.”
Helen laughed a little at that, tearing up at the same time.
“Thank you, Mad. Really. I love you. And I want you to know that you’ll always be safe with me, you can tell me anything. I’ll always be here.”
“Thank you, Hel.”
Helen stood up to walk over to her bed, but Madeline grabbed her hand, looking at her with her big blue eyes again. She didn’t have to say it, Helen understood. She slipped under the covers with Madeline, holding her close.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms, off to a much better sleep than yesterday night. For the first time in her life, Madeline felt great in someone’s embrace. She was pretty sure she actually belonged in Helen’s arms, and she would do anything to stay there forever. All the fear and sadness that she was feeling seemed to lessen, and she thought maybe, she would be ok. Maybe this wasn’t actually the end of the world.